EP. 155 — Jetmouth

[00:00:00] [AD BREAK]

[00:01:16] CHRIS: [music transition] Hello to all my parking lot vigilantes! It’s Beautiful Anonymous  with one hour, one phone call. No names, no holds barred.

[00:01:27] THEME MUSIC: I’d rather go one-on-one. I think it’ll be more fun and I’ll get to know you and you’ll get to know me.

[00:01:40] CHRIS: [music transition] Hi, everybody. Chris Gethard. Welcome to another episode of Beautiful Anonymous, a show where me, a guy, takes phone calls from you, the world, and we all just see what happens. And that’s it, that’s the whole show. And I’m really proud of it, and I like it a lot, and I’m psyched to get to do it. Thank you so much for listening. Thanks to everybody who supports the show. I wanted to just start today just to let you guys know I’ve been going out on the road. Want to remind you, March 27, Huntsville, Alabama. March 28, Nashville, Tennessee, and March 29th, 30th and 31st, I’ll be in Atlanta. Go to chrisgeth.com for tickets. I would love to meet you. It’s been so nice to meet so many people out on the road lately. And these are last shows I’m doing before the kid comes, so I don’t know when I’ll be back on the road. Who knows? Who knows? I want to say thanks to everybody who is in the Beautiful Anonymous Facebook group. It’s such a fun community. We discuss episodes there, people bring up topics. There’s recently a thread where some people were discussing whether or not I hate America. I want to reiterate and reassure you I do not hate America. I actually love America. I love it a lot. I love where I’m from. I love New Jersey. I love every- I’ve driven cross-country six times; three by myself, because I think this place is a beautiful place full of beautiful people. And I think a big point of this show is that I love talking to people. And most of them are my fellow countrymen. And I love this place! So that’s that. All right. I want to set up this episode. So, you know, a lot of a lot of times people have said, hey, you’re always doing the calls during work hours. That’s tough for a lot of us. Well, a lot of that is because, you know, this is a job, and Jared and Harry- Harry Nelson, who I think everybody knows has been coming for my slot; he’s trying to steal the throne. Everybody knows Harry wants to take over the show and he’s trying to take me down. Anyway, Jared and Harry, they work here. They work at the studio. So it’s like, of course, we have to do it during work hours, this is a job. That being said, one night, one week, I was like, “You know what? Let’s go. What do you guys think? Let’s come in.” So we came in about 11:00 p.m./11:30 p.m. We did a call real late at night. We said, let’s see if we get somebody different. And I think that we did. We got a guy. It just had a different tone. It was at the end of a night. This guy might be relaxing, as one does at the end of the night, smoking a little cheeb, getting “cheebed up” as my friend Gary would say, back from the “In Your Dreams” podcast. Deep cut. He’s an interesting dude and we are all going come to know him quite soon by a very specific nickname. And some of you guys are going to love this one and think it’s hilarious. Some of you guys are going to go, “what just happened?” I kind of had both reactions, myself, along the way. And I’m excited to see what you think. Enjoy the call.

[00:04:22] PHONE ROBOT: Thank you for calling Beautiful Anonymous. A beeping noise will indicate when you are on the show with the host.

[00:04:29] CHRIS: Hello? 

[00:04:30] CALLER: Oh, hey. Holy shit. Huh! Did you hear me? 

[00:04:38] CHRIS: Yeah. Yeah, I can hear you. 

[00:04:40] CALLER: Oh man! 

[00:04:41] CHRIS: made me giggle. 

[00:04:42] CALLER: Sorry man, yeah, I’m sitting in my garage smoking a bowl right now, so, I really didn’t think I’d get through, this is amazing. That’s just timed perfect because I don’t do this, well, I do kind of regularly, but I don’t do it like every night. But oh, wow, this is awesome. Man, oh, man, I love your podcast. I guess this is…the first ten minutes could be a little jittery because of nerves, but wow, this is awesome!

[00:05:10] CHRIS: Hey! I’m-

[00:05:11] CALLER: How you doing? 

[00:05:12] CHRIS: I’m psyched. 

[00:05:14] CALLER: Yeah. Well, how are you doing tonight? 

[00:05:15] CHRIS: Really good. I should mention for anyone listening,  I came in the other day and I was saying to Jared and Harry, you know, maybe we should just stay up real late one night. Like, the studio, we always record during the day because it’s- the studio is a business, you gotta be here during business hours. I said, let’s do a late night one. So it’s 11:30 at night. That’s why you’re out in the garage smoking a bowl, and I’ve been busy all day. I did jujitsu today, played basketball, worked on my screenplay.

[00:05:43] CALLER: Wow 

[00:05:43] CHRIS: I did a standup set. I’ve done everything and now I’m here. It’s different mindset for me too.

[00:05:50] CALLER: Nice day, man. Very nice day. Yeah. No, it’s, well, I’m not going to give it up way too much, obviously, because anonymous. But I’m on the West Coast. It’s only, whatever 8:30 here. But nah, I’m a stay at home dad. I told the wife, take care of the boys. I’m probably gonna be on the phone for about an hour. And yeah, this is cool.

[00:06:14] CHRIS: That’s great.

[00:06:15] CALLER: My day’s been good too. I got in a nice hike this morning. We had some rain out on the west coast here. You know, doesn’t have any cold like you guys, got down to about 50. But got a nice hike, got the house cleaned up, got to my chores of the day. Like I said, I’ve been a stay at home dad for about three years now. I got, I got two boys. But, you know, it’s the greatest job I’ve ever had.

[00:06:39] CHRIS: That’s good. That’s good. Now, let me ask you right out of the gate, California- 

[00:06:43] CALLER: Yeah.

[00:06:44] CHRIS: Where are we at? Is weed fully legal or you got the the medicinal card? I’m not judging.

[00:06:50] CALLER: No, no, I- it’s legal. I had the medicinal card, since like 2007. But you don’t need it now. You just go in anywhere and buy. So yeah, you know, and, and you know, my wife doesn’t smoke, but she’s known since we’ve been together just over 20 years now. But, you know. But she knows I do this, I- I prefer not to drink. I- I drank a lot in my teens and in my 20s. And, you know, don’t wanna kind of go back to that. But yeah, it’s you know, for me, it’s, it’s, it’s medicinal. It’s, it, it’s spiritual. It it helps me with, you know, just kind of getting things in focus. I’m very ADD at times. And I- I- I tend to, my mind just tends to, well, I tend to go inside my head and things will just spin. And so it’s, it’s a good, it’s a good way to kind of take the edge off. And it, I’ll be honest, I think it makes me a better parent, too. But, you know, 

[00:07:54] CHRIS: Wow, wow

[00:07:54] CALLER: I hear that from other parents that smoke as well. But yeah, I- you know. It’s just…come on out to California, man, it’s all good!

[00:08:03] CHRIS: Oh, I’ve been to California. Been there many times. 

[00:08:06] CALLER: Well, 

[00:08:06] CHRIS: Up and down the whole state.

[00:08:07] CALLER: Well no, I know. I- I- I haven’t seen your show live yet. I- I- I missed the last couple times you were through Southern California. But I definitely want to catch one here soon.

[00:08:18] CHRIS: Some day. I’ll be back. I’ll be back. I don’t get out to southern California as much as someone in the entertainment industry should. What was that sound? 

[00:08:25] CALLER: Yeah. 

[00:08:26] CHRIS: Were you actually-

[00:08:28] CALLER: What’s that?

[00:08:29] CHRIS: Were you, were you toking up while I was talking?

[00:08:32] CALLER: No, no, no. I just. I just leaned back in my chair. 

[00:08:35] CHRIS: Oh.

[00:08:35] CALLER: I was leaning forward. 

[00:08:36] CHRIS: I was hoping. I was, I gotta admit, I was hoping. You’re just waiting for me to talk, so hahaha.

[00:08:42] CALLER: Oh it’ll happen, we’ve got an hour, it’ll definitely happen. 

[00:08:44] CHRIS: So. You’ve been-

[00:08:45] CALLER: It’ll definitely happen, yeah.

[00:08:47] CHRIS:  You’ve been together with your wife over 20 years. Stay-at-home dad, three years. 

[00:08:50] CALLER: Yeah

[00:08:51] CHRIS: How old are the kids? I want to do the math on this one.

[00:08:55] CALLER: Twelve and nine. 

[00:08:56] CHRIS: Twelve and nine? 

[00:08:57] CALLER: Well and I had a full time job.

[00:08:58] CHRIS: Okay…

[00:08:58] CALLER: Yeah, I had a full time job for years, and then my wife ended up being much more successful with- with her career path than I was, and, and about three years ago, she asked if I want to quit my day job, and I immediately was like, “Yes…” You know, that’s, I mean, I liked what I did for a living, but it wasn’t, you know, it was an eight to five job, maybe with overtime, and you know, you dealt with management shit like that, typical corporate. But, you know, I again, like I said, this is the best job I’ve ever had. I mean, it’s got its challenges and it’s definitely, you know, has its own stress and stuff that comes with it. But I’ll, I’ll take it over the corporate bullshit any day.

[00:09:40] CHRIS: Yeah. Yeah. Now, I know I feel like, you know, in the, in the culture, even when I was growing up, let alone back in like the traditional 50s image  Americana, there might be some feeling of- of the male member of the household having to be the breadwinner. Did you have any of that insecurity, or are you- are you modern people who are like, screw all that stuff?

[00:10:05] CALLER: I… you know, I…no. I- I- I’ve got guys my age- I just turned 50 last year, and, you know, I know guys that, you know, they give me shit about it, especially if there’s a group together, they’ll give me shit, you know, as a group. But then individually, they’ll come up to me like, “You’re living the dream, man, you’re living the dream,” you know. But, but I mean, the thing you have to do is just take your ego out of the equation. You know, way I look at it is, my wife and I, we’re in this shit together. So it’s like, you know, what can I do for the team? You know, that, I didn’t see it coming, I didn’t ever expect it, but when she asked me, I was like, it just made sense, you know? So.

[00:10:43] CHRIS: That rules.

[00:10:45] CALLER: Yeah. Yeah. And you know, I got, my- my- it’s great spending time with my boys, but, you know, even, even that sometimes gets a little, you know, especially the one that’s almost 13, and he’s got that…that keen attitude coming in and you just have to stomp it down. No, I’m just kidding about that. 

[00:11:07] CHRIS: How does it show up? 

[00:11:08] CALLER: I mean, he’s a- 

[00:11:09] CHRIS: Does he just get-

[00:11:10] CALLER: What’s that? 

[00:11:10] CHRIS: How does that show up? Is it just like whatever you say, he’s gonna roll his eyes at, end of story? How does it go?

[00:11:18] CALLER: Not completely, no. There, there is definitely… I’m walking back to the house now. There’s definitely a… I don’t know if I’d say a rebellion, but there’s definitely push back. And it’s not all the time. It’s more, like when he’s in a mood. He’s very much me at that age, you know. So it’s, it’s, your kids literally just mirror you back. The good, the bad, the ugly. 

[00:11:44] CHRIS: Oh boy. Oh, that’s terrifying. That terrifies me. 

[00:11:46] CALLER: But yeah. But but but it- it is, but it’s great. It is, but it’s amazing because especially, when they mirror back, like, your faults, and you realize like, you know, where’s that coming from and then oh fuck, that’s me.

[00:12:01] CHRIS: Oh no.

[00:12:01] CALLER: It’s like, you know, that’s your mom. You know, it’s like…it’s

[00:12:04] CHRIS: Oh no.

[00:12:06] CALLER: But- but- but- it’s, it’s great too, though. I mean, you just, you know, especially at these ages, you see them becoming their own people already, getting these little bits of independence wherever they can, so.

[00:12:18] CHRIS: Yeah…I hope my kid doesn’t…doesn’t turn into me and just be 50 percent completely anxious, insecure mess, while simultaneously the other 50 percent a total narcissist. I hope he doesn’t- 

[00:12:35] CALLER: Yeah.

[00:12:35] CHRIS: -walk that line where those things coexist at all, all confusing times.

[00:12:40] CALLER: But, but, but I mean, I think the thing is especially, you know, if if you’ve been at therapy and you’ve dealt with this stuff like, you know, I had anxiety, depression, panic attacks, I had, you know like for me, he’s in middle school. For me, junior high, you know fuckin’ sucked.

[00:12:58] CHRIS: Ugh.

[00:12:58] CALLER: It was the worst time…Yeah. That was just… And the thing was like, I was always the tallest, but I was also the skinniest, and it was kind of established early on, like, you know, it’s it’s like when somebody goes to prison, you know, you take out the biggest guy and nobody messes with you, and it’s like, you know, that worked for a while. They would all just, you know, all pick on me or come at me, and then they realized like, oh, he’s really not that much of a fight. But then by then, it was like tradition like, oh, let’s just chase him home every day and, you know, throw his bike in the ditch and beat him with his book bag. It’s, you know, that fun stuff.

[00:13:32] CHRIS: What the hell is going on in junior high schools that everyone I know has this experience where junior high school is this weird, like it’s like everyone remembers it as like a violent prison yard-like environment where you’re getting pushed to the ground, being beaten with your own bookbag? There were fights every day when I was in junior high. Why is junior high school full of such violence and rage?

[00:13:58] CALLER: It’s just, it’s all the hormones, and then you have these, you know you’ve got different schools mixing together and you got kids just trying to impress their friends or, you know, maybe they realize, you know, it’s like kill or be killed at that age. I mean, it’s, it’s different, you know, what my kid’s going through now. It’s, it still has some of that, but, you know, they’re, they’re not having the fight out by the bleachers every day at three o’clock high or anything like that. But, you know, he’s, I see him. He’s got the same kind of anxiety that I had at that age. And, you know, I- my wife and I both talk about it. We talk about it with him. We’re very open, and I’m very open with, with, you know, my mental health issues, which, you know, I didn’t even really realize that I had them ’til like my early to mid thirties. You know, I- I- I didn’t realize what panic attacks were, and then when I finally got into, you know, see a therapist, he’s like, yeah, that’s a, that’s a panic attack. And I’m like, oh, I’ve been having those for about like since, you know, thirteen. 

[00:15:03] CHRIS: Mm hmm, mm hmm. Two solid decades of thinking this is just how life is when you later find out it’s not how it has to be.

[00:15:13] CALLER: Yeah. And it didn’t help, you know, child of the 70s and 80s, you know, that drinking in high school. It wasn’t… I remember the first time I came home drunk, my parents didn’t…you know, they didn’t get mad at me, they, you know, if anything, they just got mad because I threw up my bed. You know, my dad came in the next morning and just you know, cracked a beer under my nose. And was like, “you want, you want a beer?” And I’m like, “no…I drank enough last night, dad.” 

[00:15:39] CHRIS: that’s not how it went when I got caught drinking, old Sally, ooh, my God. She gave me the guilt for about two decades. She’s still- my dad still makes fun of me about how much my mom managed to make me feel guilty. They caught me drinking one time. Oh, Sally.

[00:15:56] CALLER: Oh wow.

[00:15:57] CHRIS: Sally, she’s little, but she knows how to dish it out when it’s time. And I know she’s listening to this. And, you know, it’s true, mom.

[00:16:05] CALLER: You know, and my mom’s that way, too, she’s not, she’s not very big, she’s I don’t think she ever broke like 105 pounds, you know, at like 5 foot 5. You know, if anything, she’s, you know, she’s 80 now. So she’s probably like eighty five pounds at this point.

[00:16:19] CHRIS: Yeah.

[00:16:20] CALLER: But you know, puts the fear of Jesus in me, and, I’m you know, I’m atheist, so it’s like that’s still, you know. It works.

[00:16:26] CHRIS: Yeah, that tells you everything. I’ve had to explain to- there’s times when my wife and I, you know, have disagreements around the house. It happens. And where I’ll say to her, “stop yelling at me.” And she’ll go, “I wasn’t, I wasn’t yelling.” And I go, “oh, it’s just that you’re making me feel guilty.” And that reminds me of my mom. And in my head, that sounds like yelling ’cause my mom didn’t yell. My dad was a yeller. My mom would just look me right in the eye and go, “well, I guess I just have to get used to the fact that you let me down sometimes.” And I’d just crawl under my own bed and just think forever.

[00:17:03] CHRIS: Go into these- 

[00:17:05] CALLER: Yeah.

[00:17:05] CHRIS: -existential states about how I had failed the expectations of everything I could be in my own mother’s eyes.

[00:17:12] CALLER: Hahaha, yeah, no. My, my dad was a yeller. And I mean, I- I yell, and sometimes it’s warranted, but you know sometimes yeah, my wife definitely will call me out and I’m very conscious of when I- I may be overreact, ’cause sometimes, maybe I’m just, you know, tired, exhausted or something else is going on or whatever. And I- I- I apologize to my kids all the time, you know, and I- I know people that just like they’re like “you say sorry to your kid?” And I’m like “well yeah, I was kind of a dick to them just now, I was an asshole.” Like yeah, I’m gonna, you know it’s like I’m trying to teach them how to be an adult, it’s like, look, when you, when you’re this way to somebody, you apologize, you know? You just. That’s what you do, so.

[00:17:55] CHRIS: Yeah. 

[00:17:56] CALLER: But. But I you know, I- I- I definitely try to be aware of it, and it’s, you know, they’ve….Yeah, I’ll tell the story. They’ve seen me, the- the only time they’ve ever seen me like really lose my shit, it wasn’t on them or or my wife or anyone, we were on vacation, and we were… basically we had a rental car. We were about to get on the road. We’re basically, we’re in Hawaii, and we stopped off at a Starbucks, and there’s two, probably in their mid-60s, gentlemen sitting at a bus bench. And as we’re walking into Starbucks, they asked us for change, and I didn’t have cash on me. I’m like, “I’ve got no cash, sorry.” Wife didn’t have cash. Get our coffees, walking out, they ask us again, I’m like, “sorry, still don’t have any cash, you know, if I did, it’d be yours, dude, have a good day.” Keep walking, get about thirty feet away and they say some very unkind things to my wife as we’re walking away and I don’t even look back. I just flip the bird over my shoulder. “Happy bird-day.” And, you know, figured that was it. And that that was my mistake, just being flipping like that, I shouldn’t have done it in retrospect, but now, you know, my wife’s heading to the car, we still got fifty feet to go, the boys are in the car and one of the guys gets up and starts yelling and coming towards us. So now it’s like, I realize, you know, we’re not gonna have time to get to the car, get it started and get out of here, so I’ve got to keep this guy from getting to my family, and he’s yelling. And now my adrenaline’s kicked in and I’m yelling and, you know, it’s like, but I’m yelling stuff like “really, this is what we’re gonna fucking get into it over?” You now, it’s like “I flipped the bird, you called my wife fucking cunt? I flipped you the bird like, get on with your fucking day, dude! It’s like, there’s bigger shit in the world, you know, really, you know, it’s like, come on!” And this went on for…for about five minutes and I could tell people were definitely either videotaping or calling the police or whatever, but he kept approaching, and then finally, you know, my wife got the jeep started, but I’m standing right there and like, he’s a foot from me and I’m just watching his friend making sure he’s not getting up and coming towards us. And in my head, I’m just like, I don’t want to get in a fight with this guy. And I wasn’t afraid he was gonna kick my ass, he was older, obviously had some, you know, physical health issues ’cause it took him a while to walk over. But, you know, I also know like my wife and kids are back there and I’ve got to protect them. And so, you know, I just got, I said “Look. You know, if you didn’t say it” because he kept saying “it wasn’t me that said it”, and it’s like, well, I heard you, it was you. But I was like, “Look, this finger was for whoever said it. So if it wasn’t you, it wasn’t for you, I apologize. I’ll shake your hand, I’ll say I’m sorry. Whatever it takes, you know, for us to get out of here, and…” I’m just, sorry. Getting a little emotional when I think about it, because it’s, you know, you don’t want to- you don’t want to ever be in that position with your, you know, your family right, you know right there, so.

[00:21:20] CHRIS: Yeah. 

[00:21:21] CALLER: Yeah, nothing happened. He, he, he shook my hand, he tried to do the thing, you know, the guy thing where it’s like, “I’m gonna squeeze your hand really tight so you’ll know, the ass-whooping been I could’ve laid on you.” I’m like alright, whatever, you know. And then we get in the jeep and drive away and you know, I’ve got adrenaline going for the next 30 minutes. I’m just bouncing off the walls and like, you know, “pull over honey, I gotta like run a couple laps or something.” It’s, yeah. So you know, they’ve seen that side of me.

[00:21:49] CHRIS: Yeah, they were watching through the window, huh?

[00:21:53] CALLER: Oh yeah. Well no, actually the top was down on the Jeep, so. They had a front row seat.

[00:21:59] CHRIS: What did they say? What did the boys say?

[00:22:04] CALLER: Well, because of what the guy looked like, they’re like, you know, “Dad almost beat up Santa Claus!” I’m like, no. Because he had a nice big white beard. I just, I was like, look, no, that wasn’t, you know we sat him down to talk and we were like “Daddy was not going to beat up Santa Claus, Daddy had it under control.” And it’s like, but, you know, you know, they, they still, the youngest one you know, of course tells his teacher and everyone at school “you know, my daddy almost beat up Santa Claus.” I’m like “No!” Now I gotta explained them that’s not what happened.

[00:22:42] CHRIS: Hahaha, I like that.

[00:22:43] CALLER: So 

[00:22:44] CHRIS: Now-

[00:22:44] CALLER: But, you know, I- I acknowledge it. And I- I- I think that’s the biggest thing that I- I think a lot of parents don’t do, is, you know, when they make mistakes, they don’t, they think like, “well, I’m the parent I shouldn’t apologize.” You know, but it’s one of those things, it’s like, look, you know, hey, this is… we’re human. We’re gonna do this. And guess what? You’re gonna make mistakes and you’re gonna apologize to us, and we’ll, hug it out.

[00:23:11] CHRIS: Now, let me ask you, just your advice. Because…

[00:23:16] CALLER: Sure.

[00:23:16] CHRIS: My wife, right now, is over seven months pregnant and I’ve never been there. 

[00:23:24] CALLER: Mm. Yeah.

[00:23:25] CHRIS: And I find, I find myself getting a little bit more aggressive with people and aggressive in certain situations. Is that something that just happens when you have a family, or when that family is on the horizon? Is that like a biological thing is it an emotional shift?

[00:23:43] CHRIS: Because I’ve gotten a few- 

[00:23:44] CALLER: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. 

[00:23:45] CHRIS: Been in a few scraps 

[00:23:46] CALLER: I think it’s a- I mean, it goes back to, you know, whatever, you know, the Neanderthal man or whatever.

[00:23:54] CHRIS: Yeah.

[00:23:44] CALLER:  It’s just, it’s one of those things. I think it’s kind of in our DNA where, you know, but even, even, you know, your wife will be more protective as well. It’s- 

[00:24:03] CHRIS: Yeah. Because I’ll tell you what-  

[00:24:04] CALLER: But, again, it’s

[00:24:05] CHRIS: You wanna hear mine? You wanna hear mine? 

[00:24:08] CALLER: Yeah. 

[00:24:05] CHRIS: I was dr- and my wife doesn’t know this ’cause I didn’t, I didn’t tell her ’cause she would be so mad. So she’ll hear this.

[00:24:17] [AD BREAK] 

[00:27:35] She’ll be mad that it happened, and she’ll be mad when I tell her. I was driving one morning and I’m sitting in some classic New York City traffic, to Brooklyn. I got off the BQE and they had a light, a very poorly placed, like right off the BQE exit, so it always backs things up. And the guy behind me. He must not have been paying attention. And in the inching forward, he taps into the back of my car. Now it’s a new car, brand new at the time. We had just gotten a bigger car cause we got the baby on the way. So we said, we gotta get a little more room. So he taps the brand new car and I’m like, that sucks, you know. So he tries to come up and around me, but he forgets it’s a red light. So then he’s kind of looking at me and I’m looking over at him and I roll down the window and he gives me like a motion. Like a “What? What?” Like he gives me that motion. So he rolls down his window and he’s got somebody in the back. He’s a, he’s a cab driver, Uber, Lyft, something like that. So I’m like “Hey dude, it’s not a big deal, but you tapped me. Maybe we should just exchange insurance or whatever.” And he starts going “I didn’t tap you! I didn’t tap you! No, I didn’t!” And I was like, “Dude, it’s fine, it was really little, like, let’s just exchange insurance just in case, we’ll pull over.” And then he tries to, like, go around me and get out of there. But again, it’s bumper to bumper traffic. He keeps forgetting that there’s a traffic jam. That’s why this whole situation has unfolded. So I’m like, alright, whatever, man. So now he’s right in front of me. I take off my, I take out my phone, I take a couple pictures of his license plate just in case, because it looks like he’s going to just book it. So I’m like let me get his plate, sitting right there in front of me. And then it’s, it’s totally still traffic. So I’m like, I might as well just get out of the car, see if there’s any damage. So I get out of the car right in the middle of traffic. I look back. There’s no damage, not a scratch, not a bump. I mean, it was a little love tap. And I knew that was probably the case. But the guy’s acting like a crackpot, so I gotta to get back in my car, and at this point, I don’t care. It’s like no harm, no foul. He comes flying out of his car, he’s like “You took pictures of me? I got a dashboard camera, I didn’t bump you! This and that!” And he started walking towards me. And luckily, my door was open. So it was in between us. And I was like, “Dude, you don’t get to tap me and then get out actin all aggressive! You don’t get to do that!” And he just stopped in his tracks. And I’m telling you, I couldn’t believe I said this. I looked this man right in the eye and I go, “Honestly, get back in your car right now or I will fuck you up!” And he got back in this car. And then I got back in my car. And then a bunch, I think a bunch of people, like, watched that happen and heard it. And then I had this, like, paranoid thing in my head all day of like, is some…am I gonna get tagged in some Instagram video of me, like in the middle of the highway off ramp at 7:40 in the morning, telling someone to fuck them up? The headline of like “Comedian Very, Very Few Know About, But Some Care About Passionately, Almost Gets Into Fight On Brooklyn Highway.” But that’s not me.

[00:30:33] CALLER: Oh, yeah.

[00:30:33] CHRIS: I really think there is a part of that that was like, my wife’s pregnant, so I’m extremely protective around her at all times, and there’s some sort of instinct I have right now that is like, no, nobody gets to fuck around. It’s happened a few times like people walking behind- if we’re walking up our block, people walk up behind us too fast and I’ll like spin around with my fists up like I’m gonna fight them. And they’ll be like “Whoa, whoa, whoa, sorry!” That’s a New York thing, you don’t walk up behind people. But now we all have our faces in our phones and our headphones, and people forget. But I’ll spin around with my dukes up like come on. You think, you, then, and it’s, I think I’m in. I think I will, I think I am more willing to kill people now if I feel like they’re going to threaten my wife.

[00:31:15] CALLER: Yeah, no, I- I-

[00:31:15] CHRIS: I think I’ll, I think I’ll murk a person and not think twice.

[00:31:18] CALLER: Yeah, no, it, it’s, it’s completely, ’cause like, I wasn’t, you know, I was- I was the dork in high school. I- I didn’t, I received the- the- the physical end of the fights. I would defend myself to a certain point, but usually, you know, like three or four guys… But like, you know, the closest I ever had to a real fight fight was in college, and that was just like a one punch kind of thing. It wasn’t, and it wasn’t like, you know, I’m a fantastic punch or something like that, I just happen to hit the guy in the nose and he was just drunk enough that, you know, he backed off.

[00:31:51] CHRIS: Yeah, got him right on the button. 

[00:31:54] CALLER: But. Yeah. But, but you just reminded me. You’ll appreciate this. The same thing, my wife was a four or five months pregnant with our first child. And I was still collecting comic books back then and- 

[00:32:07] CHRIS: Marvel or DC?

[00:32:10] CALLER: Some of both, and some independent stuff, too.

[00:32:12] CHRIS: Okay.

[00:32:13] CALLER: Yeah. Well, I just you know, I had my regular comic book guy and I just kind of go with some of his recommendations, you know?

[00:32:20] CHRIS: Sure, and next thing you know, you’re reading something called “Martian Manhunter,” wondering where all the money went.

[00:32:26] CALLER: Oh, yeah. But believe me, I just organized like 8,000 comics two summers ago when my wife took the kids to one of our family reunions. She was gone for a week and was like, you know, this is a good time to get them organized. I’ll make sure they’re all bagged and boarded and, you know, Document them and stuff like that, it’ll take me like two, three days. No, the entire seven days she was gone, I think I got out of the house a total of three hours.

[00:32:50] CHRIS: Oh, that’s the best. That’s the best. So-

[00:32:52] CALLER: Yeah. Yeah, but it was nice. It was such a completionist thing. And, I’m, you know, as scatterbrained and as ADD, as unfocused as I normally am, it’s like I get hyper-focused on stuff like that.

[00:33:05] CHRIS: Yeah. So you’re saying that this was a fight story.

[00:33:09] CALLER: So yeah. So I, my old job, funny you mentioned being in a car accident, I used to be an adjuster for an insurance company. So I was the guy that would write estimates, I’d go out to body shops and stuff like that. So imagine driving around, you know, Los Angeles traffic all day long, dealing with that, dealing with people that have been in accidents, dealing with body shop owners who are just, you know, salt of the fuckin’ earth people. I mean, some of them were decent. But I mean, most of them were just, you know. So it was end of the day, it was Wednesday, of course. New cop looks out, and my guys in the little strip mall. So there’s maybe fifteen parking spaces. They’ve got a little restaurant there, there’s just not a lot of room to park. So I pull in. I’m the only car in the parking lot, waiting for a spot, sitting there waiting. Five minutes late, he’s coming out, put my signal on as she’s getting in her car, this car with two probably 18-, 19-year-olds pulls in the other end coming facing me and they see her getting ready to back out and they see me with my signal on and I make eye contact like you do, like you see me, so, you know, that’s my spot. She backs out. She backs out in their favor, they take the spot and I’m just sitting in my car and I see them because as they’re taking this spot, they’re like looking at me like, yes, you know, “Fuck you, old dude.” I’m like, at the time I was only like thirty-five thirty-six, something like that. But so I’m, I’m just like “No. Fuck this, fuck this.” I’m, I haven’t even gotten out of my car, I’m like “Nope, nope, fuck this.” Get out of my car, and it’s like, you know the fucking National Geographic, you know the puffer fish will puff up to, you know, two times its normal size. I’m just like, you know, I don’t realize how intimidating I can be. I’m I’m a big guy. I’m like 6’4″. At the time, I was probably, well I was sympathy eating, so I was probably like 245, 250. And if you haven’t sympathy-ate along with your wife, you’re really missing out.

[00:35:11] CHRIS: Wait, what does- does sympathy eating? What is sympathy eating?

[00:35:15] CALLER: You put on the weight with her. If she’s getting, if she’s pregnant, putting on weight. You just you know, when she wants a chocolate, when she wants a chocolate shake 10:00 at night, You’re not just going to buy one.

[00:35:25] CHRIS: I do find myself, I do find myself- if she, if she wants to eat, I will eat in solidarity so that she, she knows we’re in it together. I do do that. Alright, so these punks, these teenage punks, they took your spot.

[00:35:39] CALLER: They take my spot. They’re still in the car and so I just, I come up to the driver’s side window, I’m like “Back up your car” and they’re just looking at me. And of course they look at each other and just start laughing. I mean, it was like they were like Bill and Ted or Beavis and Butthead in there. I’m just like “Back your car up now.” They’re like “What?” and it’s like “This is my spot, you saw me with my signal on, you took my space, back up now.” Still just laughing. And then I, that’s when I raise my voice. I’m like, “BACK THE FUCK UP RIGHT FUCKING NOW!” You know, I’m just. 

[00:36:10] CHRIS: Yeah.

[00:36:11] CALLER: And now, they both just, the look changes on their face because again, you know, I’m just like at this point, I’m, I’m like right up against the window almost. So dude backs it up. I’m just like “Fuckin, take my fucking spot” the whole time they’re backing up, I’m just talking shit, like “You think you’re just gonna take my fucking spot, you see my fucking signal, you fucking laugh at me, you little fuck, get the fuck out of my spot!” So then then they get out, I pull my car in and they’re still parked, because it’s a a small strip mall. So they’re, they’re waiting for a spot. So I get out and the passenger leans out of his window, “You know, man, you didn’t, you didn’t, you didn’t have, you didn’t have fucking just yell at us like that, man. You could’ve just asked, we would’ve-” I was like “What? Like what? Fuck you,” I was like, I go, “I’m not apologizing for shit,” I was like “You, you stole my spot, and was sitting there laughing at me like little punks,” I was like “And don’t tell me you’re not a little punk, ’cause I was a little punk like you! I was 18 or 19 and I- I saw somebody in their thirties and I was like, ‘Fuck you, old man.’” And it was just, and it was not cool. So I looked at the license plate number, I read it back to them twice, he was like, “What are you doing?” I was like, “That’s the license plate number.” I go, “I come out, I find any damage on my car, whoever that car’s registered to, I’m going to be at their house tomorrow, and somebody’s going to have to answer for this shit.” So the best is I, as I turn around to walk in, another car is now pulled in waiting for a spot, and it’s two guys that are I know are waiting to go into the comic book store. Because they look like they’re from Big Bang Theory, and I’m just like, as I’m walking past them, they just look at me like, “Everything alright?” And I’m like, “yeah,” like, “You know, we had you back if you needed it.” I’m like, “Yeah, uh-huh, sure.” I was like “Thanks.” I- I- I get in the store, it’s like the adrenaline hits, and I’m just like, “I gotta sit down, I need, you got coffee, anything, I need to, you know the shakes and everything. It’s like fuck. I didn’t tell my wife. 

[00:38:05] CHRIS: Yeah. 

[00:38:05] CALLER: And then she was about eight, she was about eight months pregnant. And then we were at a party, and my buddy, like, ’cause I only told one person, and of course at the party, “Oh yeah, you gotta tell that story again, you know, the one where you almost got into a fight in the parking lot at this comic book store?” He was like “What comic book nerds get into fights in the parking lot?” I was just like- you’re like “What happened?” I’m like “Nothin’…” “So…you…what?” Just like “Why didn’t you tell me?” I was like “It’s not a big deal. Don’t worry about it.” So, yeah.

[00:38:35] CHRIS: Well the best perspective on that is those two teenage kids have a story about once pulling into a parking spot when a man descended on them, screamed and cursed and flew into a rage, and then they pulled out and watched him turn around and walk into a comic book store. That’s the best perspective, their version of that story is incredible. They’re like, in their version of it, you flipped out, you’re this six-foot-four dude, you go ape-shit and then you turn around, go into the store and the little bell rings, and you walk up to the front of the store and you’re like, “Um, can I have, do you have the new West Coast Avengers?” Now- 

[00:39:12] CALLER: I’d never buy West Coast Avengers.

[00:39:13] CHRIS: It was fine. I used to read it cause I read everything. It was fine. It was weak. Anyway. Do your kids know you smoke weed? 

[00:39:20] CALLER: Yeah. The youngest doesn’t know really what it is, but he, he gets that it’s compared- I- I- I hate comparing it to alcohol, but it’s it’s something, it’s, if mom has a glass of wine, dad smokes a bowl. The oldest one, I mean he’s, we just- this is the other thing you get to look forward to, we just had the talk with him, that was fun.

[00:39:42] CHRIS: How’d that go?

[00:39:45] CALLER: He wanted to just crawl out of the room. The best part is my wife’s very “Type A” and you know, makes lists, you know, da da da, And I’m just, I’m not. Which is why I’m probably a stay-at-home dad now.

[00:39:55] CHRIS: We never had the talk. My dad has never- 

[00:39:59] CALLER: You never had the talk?

[00:40:00] CHRIS: No, my dad has never even really recognized that sex exists in my presence. I’m 38 years old. 

[00:40:07] CALLER: You’re so lucky. I mean.

[00:40:07] CHRIS: Based on con- like I’m, I’m aware I exist, but based on conversation, I would not even… 

[00:40:13] CALLER: Yeah.

[00:40:15] CHRIS: My father and I have never even recognized the existence of sexual activity.

[00:40:20] CALLER: Oh, God. My mom was an emergency room nurse, so she was very clinical. Blunt as hell, like I mean. I mean, you know, I- I didn’t even lose my virginity until my senior year of high school. Girls didn’t even, you know, acknowledge I existed. They- They all wanted to you know, me to talk to my friends, and oh, okay, you know, I was just-

[00:40:42] CHRIS: Yeah, 

[00:40:43] CALLER: Well, that’s just, you know, so-and-so, it’s like yeah, okay, 

[00:40:46] CHRIS: So how does the talk come up? Do you sit him down?

[00:40:47] CALLER: Well you know, I’ve been-

[00:40:49] CHRIS: Do you sit the kid down-

[00:40:49] CALLER: Oh, yeah.

[00:40:49] CHRIS: -and be like “Hey, we gotta talk about some stuff”?

[00:40:51] CALLER: Well, you know, because the school is gonna have the class anyway. So we want to at least, you know, kind of give him like, a talk before the school just throws their information at him. But you know, my wife read a book, and she’s got a notepad with bullet points of subjects she wants to make sure we cover. And I just, you know, walk into the room and sit down, and it’s like, she’s got her list I’m like, “Babe, I’ve got a penis. I lived through this, I- I- I know how this goes.”

[00:41:19] CHRIS: And then is your son, like, is your son trying to peek into her notebook to see that like bullet points? And he’s like, “Oh, god, three boxes down, we’re talking like boners?”

[00:41:27] CALLER: No, no, but I- I- no, no, he was-

[00:41:29] CHRIS: “Three check marks down and it’s boners…Oh no. Oh, no.”

[00:41:33] CALLER: He was, he was laying on the floor, face down. He didn’t, he was just trying to not look at us…

[00:41:38] CHRIS: He laid down, face down on the floor to try to avoid it?

[00:41:44] CALLER: Oh yeah- Oh yeah. He was trying to like, crawl out the door like really crawl out the door like he was crawling under barbed wire. But we’re just like, “No, you gotta, you gotta have it! You know, we gotta do this!”

[00:41:55] CHRIS: Hahaha yes! You’re like, “No! Don’t you try to crawl away. We haven’t talked about wet dreams yet! You get back here!”

[00:42:00] CALLER: Oh, Yeah. Yeah.

[00:42:01] CHRIS: “You get back here!” Listen, it’s going to happen. It’s nothing to be ashamed of!” And he, you’ve got him by the ankles while he’s trying to claw at the carpet and get out of there?

[00:42:09] CALLER: Oh, yeah. No, and of course I’m looking at my wife’s list, grab the whole thing, and I had her cross a couple of things off, I’m like, we’re not going to spring this on- he doesn’t need to know about menstruation just yet. Let’s just, let’s focus on the the tools, let’s focus on the equipment he has. He doesn’t need to worry about menstruation like I grew up when, you know, I was in the 70’s watching the the the whatever, tampon commercials and it’d always be a woman in a swimsuit, and I’d be like eight years old trying to figure out like, well, what the hell does this do? Where the hell does this go?You know, and it, so it’s like he doesn’t need to know about that just yet. I mean, he can hear about it. That one will let him hear from his friends if he needs to. But, you know, let’s just cover the like, this is what’s going to start happening.

[00:42:48] CHRIS: Yeah. There’s only so much time in the day. And does he ever settle into it? 

[00:42:52] CALLER: Yeah.

[00:42:52] CHRIS:Is he asking questions or is he just like, “Can I go now? Can I go now? Can I go now?”

[00:42:57] CALLER: No, it was just “Can I go now?” 

[00:42:59] CHRIS: Yeah. 

[00:42:59] CALLER: Yeah. I mean we- we- we covered it. We had him repeat some stuff back just to make sure he heard it. 

[00:43:04] CHRIS: Yeah. 

[00:43:04] CALLER: But we also made sure he understood. Like, look, if anything comes up, just you know, and he’s got any questions. It’s embarrassing, but we would rather have you ask us than, you know, try to get information from a friend or God forbid, Google it. You know. 

[00:43:18] CHRIS: Yeah. Yeah.

[00:43:18] CALLER: Who know’s what’s going to come up on that?

[00:43:22] CHRIS: Yeah. And was he like, “I know all this stuff. I know it all. I already know this.”

[00:43:27] CALLER: Oh, yeah, of course. He’s he’s twelve and a half, almost thirteen. So of course, he knows everything.

[00:43:32] CHRIS: Now here’s a quick hey, here’s a question I have. Is the father of a teenage son. 

[00:43:38] CALLER: Yeah 

[00:43:38] CHRIS: Because I’m sure this came up in the talk, here’s- because you seem obviously like a very progressive liberal guy. You live in Southern California, smoke weed in the garage, open minded dude, talking with your kid. I remember the first time I bought condoms and I drove to a different town and it was a fiasco. And I was so scared that the type of thing you tell your kid, like, “Hey, if you get a girlfriend, I’m gonna slip you some of these things. Don’t be embarrassed. It’s just for safety’s sake, just in case, I’m not trying to rush you into anything.” Or is that the rite of passage? He’s got to go off, he’s got to go buy them on his own and sweat it out in the pharmacy in the back of a shop right in Lackawanna Station in Montclair, New Jersey? In my case, in years, he’s not going to travel 3000 miles, just to get condoms, they’re available elsewhere.

[00:44:23] CALLER: Yeah. No, I mean, I’d definitely tell him. That’s the thing. I would talk to- I definitely- we talked him about them. And want to, you know, like if he doesn’t feel comfortable buying, if he thinks he’s gonna be in a situation where he needs them and he doesn’t feel comfortable buying them. I have no problem buying them for him. But, you know, I would be going roller skating and be all in ninth grade and my mom would be like, “Make sure you wear a condom!” I’m like, “I’m going roller skating, Mom! May play some video games! But like, I don’t know, I don’t know what you think’s happening tonight.” But, you know, so I’m not going to be quite that blunt with him. But I definitely want him to, you know, I’d rather have him, you know, ask me to buy them than, you know, be a grandpa when he is a senior in high school. You know, he’s he’s a dad and I’m now a grandpa, it’s like I don’t, I don’t need that.

[00:45:07] CHRIS: Yeah. Now, when you called, you were smoking weed in the garage. On a scale of one to 10, how high are you right now?

[00:45:15] CALLER: Hmm, six. 

[00:45:16] CHRIS: Six?

[00:45:17] CALLER: I only had a couple of hits and I came back in the house. It’s, it’s, it is a little cold out there, it’s getting, it’s down to the 50s out here in the winter time.

[00:45:27] CHRIS: It’s pretty mu- I mean-

[00:45:32] CALLER: Huh?

[00:45:34] CHRIS: Rubbin’ the good weather in my face when I live in New York and we’re in a cold nightmare 

[00:45:39] CALLER: Oh, God.

[00:45:40] CHRIS: So a, you’re at a solid six, you’re at a solid six of highness. Okay. 

[00:45:44] CALLER: Yeah. Yeah. It’s a five and a half, six, I’d say it’s just a nice. Yeah.

[00:45:47] CHRIS: Five and a half, six. I can feel it a little bit in your storytelling style. I can feel that it’s a little freewheeling. A little bit up in a-

[00:45:56] CALLER: I- I- I’ll tell you the truth, my wife even confirms this. I talk like this normally. I might talk, I might talk longer. 

[00:46:04] CHRIS: Okay.

[00:46:04] CALLER: I might, I might go longer than I- I- I- I- my- my nickname when I was growing up definitely had a lot to do with talking fast. It was basically “Jetmouth,” so.

[00:46:16] CHRIS: Jetmouth? 

[00:46:18] CALLER: Yeah. I’m- I’m-

[00:46:19] CHRIS:That’ll get under your skin.

[00:46:20] [AD BREAK]

[00:48:30] CALLER: Well, it’s funny. My wife just realized like, she goes, “I just realized,” she goes-

[00:48:33] CHRIS: Jet mouth…

[00:48:35] CALLER: “You’re an introvert. You’re an extroverted introvert.” And I’m like, we’ve been together 20 years, like you’re just now figuring this out. Like, I- I- I have social anxiety, you know, I- I- I, you know, but I can… You could put me in any situation like any of her, you know, work parties or we have parties where I don’t know anyone. She knows, she could just throw me in the mix and I could pretty much, you know, jump into any conversation with anyone and just kinda, you know, like a chameleon. It was, you know, like that in high school. I was like Ferris Bueller, but I wasn’t as popular as he was. I just was able to float between the, you know, the different groups. 

[00:49:11] CHRIS: Yeah

[00:49:11] CALLER: I didn’t really belong to any one group, but I, you know, they they allowed me to interact with them, so. But. Yeah, I- I have a tendency to talk a lot, but.

[00:49:21] CHRIS: Yeah.

[00:49:22] CALLER: That’s one thing I- That’s one thing, you know, my kids get from me as well. I try to, I try to work on it. But- but it’s great, though, because, like, they both just tell great stories.

[00:49:28] CHRIS: It’s literally happening right now, it’s literally happening. You’re being a jetmouth about explaining to me the origin of being Jetmouth. When you listen back to that-

[00:49:37] CALLER: You can tell me to shut the fuck up at any point.

[00:49:40] CHRIS: Bro, when you listen back to that, you’re gonna, you’re gonna, I feel like everybody listening right now is laugh- probably laughing, because you’re, “They used to call me Jetmouth because you can throw me into any situation and then blahdeblordeblahdeblordeblor…and that’s how I became Jetmouth.” Packed so many words in.

[00:49:54] CALLER: Yeah.

[00:49:55] CHRIS: My nickname, my childhood nickname, you were Jetmouth, my childhood nickname was Mega Head. So the kids made fun of how big my forehead was. Mega Head. That’s helping my forehead was.

[00:50:05] CALLER: Yeah. 

[00:50:05] CHRIS: they don’t even go with “Get Hard.” I barely got “Get Hard.” They called me Mega Head. made me mad.

[00:50:10] CALLER: Wow, yeah. Yeah, you’d be, yeah, “Get Hard,” get hard’s right there. I mean it’s, they don’t even have to do anything, geez.

[00:50:15] CHRIS: Sitting there right for the taking. But they went with Mega Head instead. 

[00:50:18] CALLER: Yeah, yeah.

[00:50:19] CHRIS: Now walk me, walk me through the schedule of a stay-at-home dad. I’m very interested in that. In my mind, are you always wearing a bathrobe? Do you often wear a bathrobe?

[00:50:30] CALLER: No, no. I’ve got- typical day, I’m wearing shorts and a tee shirt because, you know, great weather out here. But.

[00:50:36] CHRIS: Okay, let’s cool our jets, Jetmouth.

[00:50:37] CALLER: There’s no real, there’s no real like typical day. It’s kind of typical like, you know, get up, you know, make their make their lunches, drop them off at school. And then depending on what’s going on, I’ll either hit the gym really quick or I’ll take a nice hike, if I’ve got a little more time, I’ll do a hike, some sort of exercise because that’s, you know, especially as you get older, that’s, you just gotta get that in. But. And then just stuff around the house, you know, I mean, everything that needs to get done. Laundry, cleaning the house. Sometimes I’ll take a day and just knock everything out. And, you know, maybe the next two days I still have- laundry is never-ending, but then I don’t have to do a deep clean of the house or anything like that, or stuff in the yard or get the garage organized, it’s- there’s definitely some, you know, more “me time” throughout the day that I could take, I’m not going to lie. I might play a video game or two at some point. Red Dead Redemption. Just finished that. That was pretty awesome. But.

[00:51:39] CHRIS: Okay. I’m not a gamer, but I’ve heard a lot of that is just riding around on a horse, bored.

[00:51:46] CALLER: It can be, yeah. But, you know. Yeah. You know, but I- I- I listen to lot- I listen to you a lot-

[00:51:48] CHRIS: Okay, okay. Anyway, I interrupted. Yeah, keep going.

[00:51:53] CALLER: Yeah. No, I mean I listen to a lot of podcasts. Like even my old job, I was in the field so I was pretty much by myself all day long. I might be on the phone with some people, or deal with the, you know, few body shops in person. But but, you know, podcasts are basically, you know, those were like my coworkers. And that’s definitely my coworkers now, I’ve got like about eight or nine that I- I- I listen to on the regular. And yours obviously being one of them. 

[00:52:22] CHRIS: Thank you. 

[00:52:22] CALLER: But, you know, then it’s, you know, the, you know, doing this stuff around the house, I don’t think of it as chores. I don’t really think of as work. It’s just shit that has to get done. And it’s like, you know, again, we’re a team. So she’s, she’s off and on the money and keeping the house the level of, you know, that we- we agree is, you know, clean. You know, she’s definitely more anal-retentive than me, and, you know, sometimes I have to get “called into the boss’s office for a little review.” But you know, the real work is when the boys get home from school because it. 

[00:52:58] CHRIS: Yeah. Okay.

[00:52:58] CALLER: You know, doing homework with them and, you know, keeping them off- to keep them off the electronics as long as you can, you know, get them outside. But you know, sometimes, you know, it’s like, “Okay, you guys got your homework done. You got this done. You know, you practiced piano, you’ve done some reading. All right. You can, you know, you can play some video games while I make dinner,” you know? Yeah, I- I- I’ve definitely become a better cook since being a stay-at-home dad. I used to just master the grill. But now we get, we get like the three, four meals a week delivery thing. You make it yourself, they send you the ingredients kind of thing. I don’t wanna say the name of it because they’re not a- 

[00:53:34] CHRIS: Oh! Believe me, I’m sure it’s one of the many, many fine food delivery services that have advertised here on Beautiful Anonymous over the years. Maybe, who knows.

[00:53:46] CALLER: Yeah, but you know, it’s it’s it- we definitely have dinner, because before, it was like, the kids were in after school care and, you know, she’d work late, I would I work late, and then it’s pick the kids up, and now it’s like you’re not even home ’til almost seven o’clock. And it’s like, okay, well, what is there to make? Well, what can you make quick? Because the kids’ gotta be in, you know, bath by 8, bed by 8:30 or 9, whatever. And so now it’s like the- the stress level of the household has decreased immensely. Like, we took a hit money-wise, but we knew that if we just made a budget, tighter belt, you know, we were never really big spenders. Like my car is 15 years old. I’ll drive it. So, you know, another 15 years as long as it runs. I’m not, you know. But, you know, it’s one of those things where yeah, we had to, you know, we can’t go out to dinner as much as we like. And we didn’t didn’t do other things. But- but stresses, I mean, stress kills. I mean, that- that’s it. That’s all there is to it. And, you know, just you know, both of us being stressed to the gills that, you know, definitely affected the kids. And so that’s why it was kind of a no brainer when she asked me to quit. You know, if I wanted to quit my day job, I’m like, “Can I call them now? And can two weeks start this minute?”

[00:55:00] CHRIS: Jetmouth! Jetmouth, I asked you the daily routine. I just asked you the daily routine, and you Jetmouth me hard on that. You Jetmouthed me hard on that, Jetmouth.

[00:55:15] CALLER: Oh, I wasn’t- yeah. But the boys get home, we do homework, I make dinner-

[00:55:20] CHRIS: Now, you’re gonna jump back into the routine? You’re going to pick up at 3:00 p.m.- You made it to 3:00 p.m. before you spiraled out into Jetmouth philosophizing!

[00:55:31] CALLER: Anyway, then you know, then you just get them down to bed and it’s, it’s the same thing the next day. You know, it’s- again, it’s one of those things where some- I don’t get too much shit from people. I mean, definitely I get some confused questions and people, especially living in this town, people just say, “Oh, you’re stay at home parent, so you’re, you’re an actor.” And I’m like, no, no. “Well, well, why are you staying at a home then? Why don’t you have a day job?” Well, because my wife is is good enough that I can stay home. So, you know, but.

[00:56:06] CHRIS: And you’re happy. 

[00:56:06] CALLER: And you know, again- Oh, yeah.

[00:56:09] CHRIS: It leads to a happier home for you and your wife and your kids.

[00:56:12] CALLER: Oh, yeah. And again, you know, nobody, nobody is on her deathbed going, you know, like “I wish I would have, you know, put in more overtime of work. I wish I would have, you know, read more reports or, you know, attended more meetings” or something like that. It’s like you never want, it’s- I wish I would’ve spent more time with the people I love, the people I care about. 

[00:56:30] CHRIS: Yeah

[00:56:31] CALLER: Especially in this day and age. It allows me to, you know, raise my boys to be better men, to be better humans. You know, it’s, I- you know, I- I don’t raise them from a perspective like, you know, I was, I actually just was going back listening to one of the podcasts, The Scottish Parish Lady, the “What it means to be a man today.” And, you know, it’s, for my boys, it’s just, you know, the basic fundamentals, treat people how you want to be treated. Don’t be a dick. Don’t be an asshole, you know? No, definitely, no means no! And, you know, that was that was something, you know, I give my parents credit for. That’s how I was raised too, you know, I- they were very you know, they were from the Midwest. You know, I was raised Catholic, but, so I definitely know about guilt and all that, but, you know, it’s raising them to just you know, look, this is, you know, we try to be very honest with them because, you know, you can’t have the news on in the main room and they’re in the room and not have something come on the news that you’re gonna have to discuss with them, because it’s, you know, there’s not much happy news. I mean, they throw it in like the last three minutes. You know, Lester Holt will come on and just be like, “And here’s something good because we’ve just been pounding you with bullshit and horror stories for the last 27 minutes! But here’s a puppy getting hugged by a duck!” You know, like okay, great, thanks. So it’s- 

[00:58:00] CHRIS: Jetmouth! When we hit puppies and ducks, you’ve officially gone Jetmouth on me. Gone and hit the Jetmouth… Now in about 10, in 10 years, one of your kids will be graduating college and the other will be in college, or of that age if they decide to go a different track, but they’ll hit the age traditionally where it’s expected for them to maybe fan out, not be in the nest so much. Are you going to go back to work at that point? Is that the plan or is it you can be close enough to the retirement age at that point that you sail into the sunset? 

[00:58:33] CALLER: The plan is- well hopefully- 

[00:58:38] CHRIS: And talk. And then you just sail into the sunset and talk forever.

[00:58:42] CALLER: Well, yeah, exactly. Well, the wife will have the wife will have her book and just kind of like, okay, you know, she’ll just go sit by the pool or something. But no, the- the idea is that, you know, I’ve even brought this up with my wife. The idea is that I don’t go back to a day job again. Like I might, at that point, maybe find a part time job or even something, you know, or you know, something I’m interested in, you know, if I’m looking for something to do throughout the day or something like that, because they’re more independent, they’re more out there and stuff. But the goal is, you know, for her, and by the time they’re out of college, for her to be able to quit her job as well. We were, you know again, we especially in this in this town, we definitely don’t live beyond our means. If anything, we, we’ve you know, been much more conservative with our money and squirreling it away. And, you know, anyone who’s- anyone who’s getting out of college and starting a job and your company offers a 401K where they match your your donations, if you don’t do it, you’re fucking stupid. That’s just my advice to anyone out there- 

[00:59:48] CHRIS: Yeah.

[00:59:48] CALLER: -finding a job. But, you know, it’s like it’s one of those things where because I love you, I learned from my parents, my dad even admitted to me like, “God, I wish I would have started saving earlier. I wish I would’ve started, I wish I would’ve put more away for retirement instead of spending it on this or this or this.” And then, you know, you go to his Elks lot, and you could definitely tell the difference between the people that the, you know, planned for retirement and the people that just kinda, you know, “I’ve got a jet ski and I’ve got an RV and I got a you know, I’ve got a timeshare in Maui!” It’s like, okay, well, what, what, what do you have saved up? I mean, I I know it’s you know, it sounds square and boring, but it’s like, you know, if you gotta, gotta look at, especially if you have kids, you gotta, you gotta be saving, you gotta be thinking about college and about-

[01:00:33] CHRIS: Gotta buckle down.

[01:00:35] CALLER: Yeah. So, I mean, the goal is, you know, at that point to be able to you know, they may go to college, they may not. It depends. They may do trade school. You know, it’s it’s a different market out there. Wasn’t like when I was growing up where it’s like, you know, go to college, get your degree and get a job. It didn’t matter, you know, unless you were, you had a field that you were particularly good in or you excelled in, you know, it’s like, you know, me, it took me six years, four years in junior college, two years at state, to get a degree in communications, you know, with a C+ average. So I’m not, you know, I wasn’t breaking any records, so my-

[01:01:13] CHRIS: Jetmouth? Jetmouth. The question was, will you go back to work at some point? And it spiraled to the point where I now know you had a C+ average for your communications degree! Jetmouth.

[01:01:26] CALLER: Okay. My high- my highness level might be an eight. I take it back, but it might be an eight.

[01:01:30] CHRIS: I feel bad. Well, I feel bad that we interrupted your sweet-ass toke session in the garage. I feel bad. Yeah. You’re higher than a six, Jetmouth. 

[01:01:39] CALLER: No, no! Not at all! 

[01:01:41] CHRIS: Jetmouth, you’re, you’re flyin’ high, Jet-man.

[01:01:46] CALLER: No but yeah, I mean the idea is travel. I mean, I just want to travel. 

[01:01:50] CHRIS: Yeah, that’s cool. 

[01:00:33] CALLER: We travel with our boys now, but I just want to travel even, you know, at that point get a nice RV and you know, hit the road and, but also do some international travel, so.

[01:02:03] CHRIS: That’s cool. 

[01:02:03] CALLER: But, you know, hopefully we’ll get them out, hopefully they’ll they’ll be able to get out of the house. You know, they’ll be able to- to- to get some sort of job or get into something, you know. Like my oldest, he may get into the tech side of the industry out here. He, he loves, you know, he does tech crew at his middle school. So he loves doing that. He doesn’t, neither one of them, you know, wants to be the one up on stage, you know, they they they like doing more, you know, breaking stuff down and getting technical with stuff. So, you know, if they go that route, I mean, at that point, whatever money we have saved up for their college, we’re just like, “Hey, you know, you want to, here’s your money. You you you do something with it. Don’t just, you know, blow it, but you’re an adult. You know, you’re gonna make choices. And here you go.” But you gotta, you gotta also let them fail, too. So.

[01:02:54] CHRIS: Yeah. Yeah. That’s cool. That’s cool. 

[01:02:59] CALLER: Yeah. But like, I mean- yeah. And one thing, I mean, I don’t know where we are time-wise. I want to just make sure I get this in as well, but-

[01:03:09] CHRIS: Six and a half minutes. 

[01:03:10] CALLER: Like, like my, well my 12 year old at some point, both boys, I’m going to show them “Career Suicide” because I think it’s a it was an amazing special.

[01:03:22] CHRIS: Thank you.

[01:03:23] CALLER: It- it- it, it really I- I- I, it- it hit every emotion. You know, I cried, I laughed, everything. I- I grew up listening to comedy. You know, Richard Pryor, George Carlin, Cheech and Chong, all that stuff. And I’m a comedy nerd. I hit shows whenever I can out here in L.A. It’s nice because, you know, a lot of comedians you can just, you know, catch anywhere. But, you know, that’s a special I would definitely you know, I’m going to shown them that. I’m going to show them Richard Pryor live in concert, you know, show them George Carlin. But, you know, I want them to realize, you know, it’s not like when I was growing up, you know, people didn’t talk about mental health issues. Like, I never talked about mental health with my parents until I was in my thirties. And my dad just kind of ignored the subject. And, you know, my mom just was like, you know, well, you know, “Just don’t- be careful what they prescribe you.” I’m like, all right. You know, but, you know, I- I can guess what mental health stuff they grew up with just from how they act and how they are. And again, I know I feel pretty self-aware. But, you know, what I’ve got going on, so with my boys, it’s like, you know, we’re gonna have these discussions. And especially, I- I- I’m excited for them to be adults. I want to have a relationship where they’re adults and we can sit down and, you know, if they want, we smoke a bowl out in the backyard and have a talk.

[01:04:51] CHRIS: You will, you’ll smoke with your k-? If your kids enjoy, if your kids enjoy it? I guess, I guess, we’re turning that corner huh? It’s a legal thing. You would have a beer with your dad, so I guess your kids can eat a- can eat a gummy if you want, eat an edible or two. 

[01:05:03] CALLER: Yeah! I mean, I- yeah, but I mean, we’ve already had the talk as far as like, look, you know, more, even from the scientific point, like here’s why you shouldn’t drink when you’re in high school, here’s why you shouldn’t smoke weed when you’re, you know, this age because your brain’s not fully developed till then. And I admit my regrets, like I- I drank way too much in high school. I- I- I, that was my self-medication through, you know, well into my 20s. And, you know, it wasn’t ’til I just gave up- I still have a beer now and then, but, you know, it’s not like it was before. And I’m definitely healthier for it. I mean, alcohol does nothing but, you know, it’s a depressant. It, it doesn’t help you with stress. It doesn’t help you with anything.

[01:05:47] CHRIS: Yeah.

[01:05:47] CALLER: You know, it’s like if anything, I’d rather I’d rather have them smoke weed than drink alcohol. I mean, it’s just, it’s an easy one for me. I know how it is with me.

[01:05:55] CHRIS: I’ll tell you what. I’ll tell you what. 

[01:05:58] CALLER: Oh, go ahead? 

[01:05:59] CHRIS: I think.

[01:06:00] CALLER: Yeah. 

[01:06:01] CHRIS: You being a single dad, you guys sacrificing that money, it sounds like you have such a clear sense of who your kids are and what the game plan is, and it seems so cool, and I feel like that conversation your wife had with you, what a like, what a life-changing thing. And for you to say, like you said, to get the ego out of the way and go with it and know that it’s gonna help your boys like this? I think that’s a beautiful thing.

[01:06:22] CALLER: I think getting a lot of people need to get their ego out of the way that especially you know, men. Again, like I said, I see with buddies I’ve known since high school, it’s like they still, they’ve got that ego there, they’ve got that- you know, my my dad was hesitant when we first told him I was quitting my day job. I’m like, “Look, would you like me to tell you what what she’s making at her job now? Would that make you feel better?” You know, of course he’s like, “Yes, that would,” so. But.

[01:06:51] CHRIS: Yeah. 

[01:06:51] CALLER: It’s- yeah, and that’s, I’m trying to, if anything, I want my boys to have a healthy ego. To understand what it’s getting in the way, you know, you don’t have to get rid of it completely. But just understand when it’s- it’s making, it’s making the decision for you. 

[01:07:06] CHRIS: Yeah. 

[01:07:07] CALLER: ‘Cause, I mean that- that’s what kept me out of a lot of fights. I mean, being a tall guy, short guys always came at me because, you know, you’re the tall guy and it’s like I would either deflect, or self-deprecation. That’s where I got my sense of humor from, was just getting picked on. It was like, if I could make them laugh, they won’t beat me up.

[01:07:24] CHRIS: Okay. Jetmouth. Jetmouth! Jetmouth?

[01:07:27] CALLER: Yes. Oh, we’re out- time’s-

[01:07:29] CHRIS: No, no, no. We have two minutes left. I want to try- I want to test the limit, because we’ve said- you’ve shared some beautiful stuff. 

[01:07:35] CALLER: Sure.

[01:07:35] CHRIS: Some cool stuff, some funny stuff. 

[01:07:36] CALLER:Oh, well thank you. 

[01:07:37] CHRIS: I wanna try a Jetmouth experiment- 

[01:07:37] CALLER: Thank you, thanks for letting me share. 

[01:05:03] CHRIS: I’m gonna ask you a question that is ostensibly a yes or no question. We have two minutes left. 

[01:07:45] CALLER: Oh, hahaha.

[01:07:46] CHRIS: I’m gonna see if you can just go with yes or no, or if…how long this goes. Does it make sense that we still have fax machines? We got e-mail now.

[01:07:57] CALLER: No. No, I don’t. Well, I don’t understand why we have a lot of technology. Fax machines, that’s the dumbest fucking thing. And you could still like apply for a job as fax machine salesperson, I don’t know who would even want to, I mean, may as well just stand on the corner and ask for money. It’s like shit, that’s, why would you do that to yourself? Now I’m being self-conscious! I’m realizing like, oh shit, we’re on a timer now! It’s like, he’s, he’s listening to everything. He’s, he’s waiting to see where this goes. I’m definitely gonna come see your next live show, you come out here in L.A., so. Are we up?

[01:08:37] CHRIS: No, wow, you only took a minute to answer! It only took you a solid, full minute to answer if we should still fax machines or not!

[01:08:45] CALLER: I could have gone longer, but I- I wanted to make sure I got that last part in. 

[01:08:49] CHRIS: Yeah.

[01:08:49] CALLER: ‘Cause I don’t have a great sense of time right now, so. 

[01:08:51] CHRIS: Well, I’ll tell you what. 

[01:08:52] CALLER: Time- time- time to go smoke another bowl.

[01:08:54] CHRIS: Yeah. Talking to a dude who is in the process of smoking has been eye opening, and it means the world to me. Let me say that, it means the world to me that you’d share “Career Suicide” with your kids. I just got in a fight this week with my high school ’cause they don’t want to have me come back and talk ’cause of career suicide. Pissed me off.

[01:09:09] CALLER: I saw that. That’s the dumbest fucking thing in the world, man. 

[01:09:10] CHRIS: Yeah.

[01:09:12] CALLER: And any- anyone who thinks high school is their golden days, they’re just wrong. I mean, that’s-

[01:09:15] CHRIS: Yeah, right? And maybe I’ll get to meet you, Jetmouth, next time I’m in L.A. You know, I just performed at that, one of the great ven- Dynasty Typewriters, the new venue out there? Man. That’s a great venue.

[01:09:25] CALLER: Yes! We’re actually, we’re going, well, I’m taking my wife on a date night soon to see Eddie Pepitone, so.

[01:09:31] CHRIS: Ooh, one of my old favorites!

[01:09:34] CALLER: Yeah, I love Eddie.

[01:09:35] CHRIS: My all time favorite jokes, he had a joke about a rooster, and I loved it.

[01:09:40] CALLER: Awesome. Well, you have a great night, dude. I’m- I’m glad we got to talk. I- I- I seriously I- I- I literally tried calling in like 90 times and then I got to your boy, and I was like, holy shit, this worked.

[01:09:54] CHRIS: Alright. Thanks, Jetmouth!

[01:09:56] CALLER: No worries. You take care, Chris. [ring]

[01:10:02] CHRIS: Thank you so much to the caller. And caller, I just want to say too, time cut out. You did open up and tell me about your childhood nickname that you were mocked with, and then I proceeded to mock you with it for the last 30 minutes of the call. I just wanted to say, I hope you know that was in the spirit of fun, in the spirit of moving the call along, and that there was no ill intent with that. So it was really so fun to talk to you. And I think we could talk all day about, I bet you could give me a lot of fathering tips, we could talk about comic books, and you and I, we could just get caught. Good. Good, fun call. Thank you, Jared O’Connell and Harry Nelson for staying up so late. It’s almost 1 in the morning and you guys are still in your office. That sucks. I get to just drop by for this part. Thank you guys for this experiment. Thank you to Justin Mindell. Thank you to Shellshag for the music. ChrisGeth.com is where all my dates are, I go out on the road a lot. Going out all throughout March. Check it out. If you like the show, go to Apple podcasts, rate review, subscribe. Helps a lot when you do. Thanks so much. We’ll see you next time.

[NEXT EPISODE PREVIEW]

[01:11:21] CHRIS: I once did standup in Minneapolis in February and I couldn’t walk down the sidewalks because there were sheets of ice. Wild.

[01:11:29] CALLER: It’s like insane because like, the first two months, I was in love, because like in Brazil, there’s no snow, you know, there’s nothing like that. I was like, “Oh my God! I am seeing snow for the first time!” And I went skiing, and I was like, “Oh! this is perfect!” And then the snow would never go away. Like three or four months into doing winter, I was like, “Holy shit! Like, people live like this? Really? All the time? Why? You know, move south!”

[01:11:55] CHRIS: That’s next time on Beautiful Anonymous.