EP. 206 — Sasheer Does Not Like a Whale Tail

[00:00:12] NICOLE: Sasheer.

 

[00:00:15] SASHEER: Nicole.

 

[00:00:16] NICOLE: Hello.

 

[00:00:18] SASHEER: What was that?

 

[00:00:20] NICOLE: Oh, I said, “Hello.”

 

[00:00:22] SASHEER: Wow, I really can’t hear you.

 

[00:00:24] NICOLE: You can’t hear me? Hello?

 

[00:00:26] SASHEER: I think I cut out maybe. You said, “Hello”?

 

[00:00:28] NICOLE: Hello.

 

[00:00:32] SASHEER: Oh. Hello.

 

[00:00:32] NICOLE: How are you?

 

[00:00:34] SASHEER: I’m good. How are you?

 

[00:00:35] NICOLE: I’m good. I don’t know why I started whispering.

 

[00:00:41] SASHEER: I don’t know either, but that’s okay.

 

[00:00:45] NICOLE: Should we talk normal?

 

[00:00:46] SASHEER: Yeah, probably.

 

[00:00:48] NICOLE: Yeah. I don’t think people would enjoy a whole episode of us whispering.

 

[00:00:52] SASHEER: But some people like it, I think.

 

[00:00:54] NICOLE: It’s ASMR.

 

[00:00:55] SASHEER: ASMR.

 

[00:00:58] NICOLE: ASMR. Do you enjoy ASMR?

 

[00:01:04] SASHEER: One time, there was some sort of women’s wellness workshop or something. And there was a room that was like an ASMR room. And then a woman was in the room, and she would Bring things to my ear and be like, “This is a brush from Mac Cosmetics, and it has really stiff bristles on the top and a wood base.” And then would tap on it in my ear. And then she’d rub the brush on my arm like, “Does that feel nice?” And I’m like, “It does feel good.” And I mean, the tactile part was nice because it was, I don’t know, like, tingly feelings. But then I was like, “Well, do I want this random lady doing that or my lover?” Like, it wasn’t sexual. But I mean, it could. Why is she touching me so softly? I guess that could be a thing that people want from anyone and not necessarily someone wh. Might do more stuff to them.

 

[00:02:25] NICOLE: Sounds like a threat. “Somebody who might do more stuff to them.” “Oh my God, are you going to do more stuff to me?”

 

[00:02:30] SASHEER: “Is this going to lead to more stuff?”

 

[00:02:35] NICOLE: The next time I hook up with someone, I’m going to scream that. I’m gonna scream it right in their face. “Is this going to lead to more stuff?” And I’m going to see how well they take it. And if they don’t take it well, I guess…

 

[00:02:51] SASHEER: I guess no more stuff.

 

[00:02:52] NICOLE: Yeah, I guess no more stuff. Or I’d be like, “Oh, I can quiet down. Was it the loudness you didn’t like?”

 

[00:02:59] SASHEER: “Will this lead to more stuff?”

 

[00:03:00] NICOLE: God. I’m the least sexiest person I know. And that’s okay with me.

 

[00:03:12] SASHEER: Okay. Are you forcing that to be okay with me? You kind of yelled that at me?

 

[00:03:22] NICOLE: “Is this going to lead to more stuff, Sasheer?”

 

[00:03:23] SASHEER: Not now! Not anymore.

 

[00:03:28] NICOLE: I want another tattoo really bad.

 

[00:03:36] SASHEER: Didn’t you just get one? Or was the last one you got with me?

 

[00:03:40] NICOLE: The last one I got was with you. That was, like, maybe a year ago.

 

[00:03:45] SASHEER: Really?

 

[00:03:45] NICOLE: I don’t know. I have no idea.

 

[00:03:49] SASHEER: I guess, yeah, maybe it was a year ago. I don’t remember.

 

[00:03:56] NICOLE: Okay, here’s the thing. It’s 2023. That feels insane to me. I was like, “2020 was just around the bend.” And there was a whole 2021, a whole 2022, and we are midway through 2023. It’s going to be 2024.

 

[00:04:16] SASHEER: Ew.

 

[00:04:16] NICOLE: Isn’t that nuts?

 

[00:04:17] SASHEER: That’s frigging nuts, dude.

 

[00:04:18] NICOLE: Truly so wild. I don’t know what to do. Time won’t stop.

 

[00:04:23] SASHEER: It never will. I keep referring to things that are from the early 2000s as “the ’90s” because that feels right. Like, “Yeah, from the ’90s.” Then I’m like, “Oh no, wait. I guess it’s the 2000s. I guess I have lived many decades.”

 

[00:04:41] NICOLE: What are you referring to? 7th Heaven? ‘Cause that’s definitely the 2000s. You talk to somebody about 7th Heaven?

 

[00:04:56] SASHEER: I assure you, I wasn’t.

 

[00:05:00] NICOLE: Just making sure.

 

[00:05:03] SASHEER: I don’t know what I was talking about. But I was saying something from the ’90s and I was like, “I guess it wasn’t ’90s. I guess it was 2000s.” I don’t know what that is. It just feels like I’m omitting a decade because I don’t want to believe I’ve been alive that long.

 

[00:05:23] NICOLE: It is truly wild. It’s like when you go to Target and you’re like, “Oh, I wore all of this in high school and now it’s back.” And I’m happy about it because I can wear whatever I want now because I don’t have parents. Nobody tells me what to do. I’m a grownup. I’m going to buy the Steve Madden slides. You remember those? I bought them. I bought them. But it does make me feel so old to be like, “Oh, it’s all just back.”

 

[00:05:54] SASHEER: It’s all just back. You know what I don’t want to come back is, like, the tops of thongs coming out of–

 

[00:06:02] NICOLE: Why not?

 

[00:06:05] SASHEER: It just looks so trashy.

 

[00:06:07] NICOLE: Oh, my word. I love it. And I want it to come back. And I want them to make it in plus size. And I don’t think they will. I think they’re going to say, “Keep your underwear under your clothes, fatty,” which is rude. I want people to know I’m wearing underwear.

 

[00:06:25] SASHEER: “I have multiple layers on.”

 

[00:06:28] NICOLE: “Multiple. I don’t have pussy just grinding on denim. I’m wearing underwear.”

 

[00:06:33] SASHEER: But like, not really. A thong under jeans? What? What are we doing? What is the benefit of that? It’s not even… In my mind, the purpose of a thong is no panty lines, but your cooch is still covered. But in jeans, you’re going to see panty lines anyway. Unless they’re super tight.

 

[00:06:54] NICOLE: I guess. Is that the–? That’s what thongs are–? It’s for no panty lines?

 

[00:06:59] SASHEER: That’s what I thought. I guess there could be other reasons, but I don’t know.

 

[00:07:04] NICOLE: I’m not a thong wearer.

 

[00:07:06] SASHEER: I really only wear thongs when I don’t want to show panty lines.

 

[00:07:10] NICOLE: Have we talked about thongs on this show?

 

[00:07:12] SASHEER: Probably, but maybe not in depth.

 

[00:07:17] NICOLE: Not a thong person. My butt’s too big. It gobbles up fabric. So, I have to wear some sort of full brief, you know?

 

[00:07:28] SASHEER: Full brief!

 

[00:07:28] NICOLE: Because it’s not a full brief on me because my butt will eat the fabric. It’s so hungry back there. It’s going, “Om-nom-nom!”

 

[00:07:39] SASHEER: It’s like a Hungry Hungry Hippo?

 

[00:07:41] NICOLE: Yes. That’s what I have behind me–a Hungry Hungry Hippo. And instead of marbles, it’s fabric. I just remember the first thong I ever got. It was silver with ladybugs on it. I still have it. I stole it from a store because my mother wouldn’t buy me a thong. And I said, “I will have a thong.” And then I put it on, and I was like, “This is uncomfortable!”

 

[00:08:07] SASHEER: Also, I feel like… Maybe my mom told me this, or this was, like, lore. But I feel like when I was younger, I was told thongs can give you yeast infections. But I feel like that’s, like, not real.

 

[00:08:23] NICOLE: I think that’s not real. I think your mom was trying to cock block–trying to keep you from being a fast little girl because that’s the way mom said it. My mom is like, “Thongs are for fast little girls.” And I was like, “What if I wanna go fast? What if I’m Sonic?”

 

[00:08:42] SASHEER: “I’m trying to zoom, zoom.”

 

[00:08:43] NICOLE: “Trying to have a nice time.” But yeah, I just don’t wear them. People who don’t wear underwear–I don’t understand that either. I’m just like, “What?” You’re just walking around in a dress with no underwear? That’s truly wild to me.

 

[00:08:58] SASHEER: It’s wild to me, too, ’cause also just, like… What if you get moist down there?

 

[00:09:07] NICOLE: Yeah. What if you get horny?

 

[00:09:09] SASHEER: Yeah! And then you’re just, like, what? Dripping wet?

 

[00:09:12] NICOLE: Dripping everywhere? Oh my God. Did you hear about the woman who had an orgasm at, like, the Philharmonic? Or, like, a symphony?

 

[00:09:20] SASHEER: No. Like, an audible one?

 

[00:09:23] NICOLE: Yes. Apparently a very loud orgasm during, like, some symphony. Maybe it was in New York. I don’t remember it. Wait, it was here? It was here in LA?

 

[00:09:35] KIMMIE: I was just reading about it. Let me pull something up. But it was at the LA philharmonic–I think at the Disney Concert Hall. I’m assuming that’s where they performed. It was to Tchaikovsky, which… That’s like Christmas music to my mind.

 

[00:09:49] NICOLE: That’s truly wild. Apparently, they didn’t stop, and she just had a full-blown orgasm.

 

[00:09:56] SASHEER: She’s being so moved by the music?

 

[00:10:01] NICOLE: I guess. “Attendees of the Los Angeles Philharmonic recent concert were startled by the sounds of a woman screaming and moaning midway through the show.” I got to say, this pandemic was good for no one. “During the orchestra’s performance of Tchaikovsky’s Fifth Symphony on Friday, the 28th of April at Walt Disney Concert Hall, several concertgoers claimed to have heard a person having a loud and full body orgasm. ‘Everyone kind of turned to see what was happening,’ Molly Grant told the LA Times. Grant, who was seated in the balcony near the person who allegedly made the noise, said, ‘I saw the girl after it happened. I assume that she had an orgasm because she was breathing heavy and her partner was smiling and looking at her, like in effort to not shame her.’”

 

[00:10:54] SASHEER: “Soon after the event, others shared their experiences on Twitter. ‘I to see LA Phil play… A woman in the audience had a loud, full body orgasm. Band politely carried on. Props to the LA Phil.’” Is there video? Did they record it?

 

[00:11:11] KIMMIE: I think there’s audio.

 

[00:11:13] NICOLE: Audio. Well, we gotta play it.

 

[00:11:16] KIMMIE: All right, here we go. We’ll see if this is actually it.

 

[00:11:24] SASHEER: Oh my God. It also sounded like she was being attacked.

 

[00:11:30] NICOLE: Yes, that is actually the wildest thing I’ve ever heard in my whole life.

 

[00:11:41] SASHEER: Do we think she was being fingered? Or was it the music taking over?

 

[00:11:50] NICOLE: I wonder. I hope she wasn’t being fingered at the Philharmonic.

 

[00:11:54] SASHEER: I mean, like, that’s funny. I could see a couple being like, “Oh, wouldn’t this be funny?”

 

[00:12:01] NICOLE: “Let’s get nasty at Disney Concert Hall at the Philharmonic.”

 

[00:12:06] SASHEER: But then, like, yeah, the seats are closed. So, you’re next to another person. So that would be really crazy.

 

[00:12:14] NICOLE: I don’t think she was fingered because I think the reports would be like, “This woman was being fingered by someone sitting near her.” I think they’re like, “Yeah, she just had a full body orgasm.” I would love to be moved by music that much, you know? I would love to hear a piano, some strings, and just be like, “Hoo hoo hoo hoo!”That would be fun. Music is everywhere in the world. What a treat that would be.

 

[00:12:44] SASHEER: Also, that was loud.

 

[00:12:46] NICOLE: It was so loud. Wait, Kimmie, can we hear it again? That really got me good.

 

[00:12:50] SASHEER: Like, that is echoing.

 

[00:12:56] NICOLE: Well, it’s made for, like, music to bounce around, I feel like.

 

[00:13:00] SASHEER: Yes, that’s true.

 

[00:13:02] NICOLE: Oh God. What a treat to be alive right now. Like, if that happened–I don’t know–in the 1920s, it would be, like, hearsay. But we have audio of a woman just having a nice time.

 

[00:13:24] SASHEER: It’s also so unfortunate that it was, like, during a pause in the music. It timed out perfectly where there was no music happening. Are there more? Oh, “I talked to someone who works with the at LA Phil and they confirmed 1) this happened, 2) the orchestra did not stop playing, 3) that it was Tchaikovsky.

 

[00:13:54] NICOLE: God, that’s so funny. We’re living in the dumbest of times. Oh my God. How funny. Oh my God. I guess I gotta get me to a Philharmonic Performance–see what’s up.

 

[00:14:10] SASHEER: It’s orgasmic.

 

[00:14:12] NICOLE: Honestly, I think it’s good for, like, people to, like, have the Philharmonic in their brains as a thing they can go do, you know? Because I forget about them all the time. I forgot about the Philharmonic. They’re right here.

 

[00:14:27] SASHEER: They’re right here. I’ve actually never been. I’d love to go.

 

[00:14:30] NICOLE: No, but you have seen them play.

 

[00:14:32] SASHEER: Oh, that’s right because they played during Black Panther at the Hollywood Bowl.

 

[00:14:37] NICOLE: Yeah, Black Forever. No, Wakanda Forever. What’s it called?

 

[00:14:42] SASHEER: “Black Forever.”

 

[00:14:43] NICOLE: No, the first one is just called Black Panther. And the second one is Wakanda Forever? Can I tell you a secret? I haven’t finished the second one yet.

 

[00:14:56] SASHEER: Oh. But wait, how did you watch it?

 

[00:15:00] NICOLE: Well, I started it on a plane, fell asleep, deplaned, went and did my business, got back on the plane, started it again, fell right asleep, got off the plane, got home, turned on Disney+, started again, fell asleep, turned on Free Guy. For whatever reason, I was like, “Who are these water people? What is this water kingdom?

 

[00:15:24] SASHEER: But I was enraptured by the water kingdom.

 

[00:15:27] NICOLE: It was too much!

 

[00:15:30] SASHEER: I mean, I guess. It’s a whole other world. First of all, the bad guy does it for me. What’s his name?

 

[00:15:40] NICOLE: I don’t know, but he’s very, very sexy. Him I enjoy. I think I was just mad that the water people just didn’t have a whole movie.

 

[00:15:49] SASHEER: Yeah. I could watch a whole movie of the water people. Namor.

 

[00:15:54] NICOLE: Give me a whole Namor movie because the backstory was very rushed. And then throw them in to be the enemy or whatever. But I was like, “I barely know these people.”

 

[00:16:06] SASHEER: “I’m supposed to be invested in 15 minutes?”

 

[00:16:09] NICOLE: I mean, kind of.

 

[00:16:12] SASHEER: We’ll see more of them, I’m sure.

 

[00:16:15] NICOLE: Are they going to get their own movie?

 

[00:16:17] SASHEER: This, I don’t know. They should.

 

[00:16:22] NICOLE: Because then I’d be into it. But I was just like, “Okay, we’re on land. Now, we’re in water, and we have to go back to the land, but I don’t want to.”

 

[00:16:29] SASHEER: Let me be in the water a little longer.

 

[00:16:30] NICOLE: Yeah, maybe that’s why I loved Avatar: The Way of Water so much because we really stayed in the water.

 

[00:16:37] SASHEER: For so long. Maybe too long, to be honest.

 

[00:16:42] NICOLE: Listen, I loved when the movie just wasn’t a movie, and you were just watching people fish. I was like, “This is great.”

 

[00:16:48] SASHEER: Feels like there’s no story anymore. I’m just watching this swim with whales.

 

[00:16:52] NICOLE: Loved it. And then I loved that the whales had a backstory!

 

[00:16:56] SASHEER: That was pretty cool. Yeah. They had music and poetry.

 

[00:17:02] NICOLE: The way it’s brought up is pretty funny. Like, all of a sudden, they were like, “The whale told me this.” I was like, “Wait, what?” Oh, movies. I’m upset I haven’t seen… What did I want to see? Oh, I want to see the Mario Brothers movie. And I haven’t seen it yet.

 

[00:17:19] SASHEER: I want to see it, too.

 

[00:17:21] NICOLE: Should we go see it when we go to the mall?

 

[00:17:23] SASHEER: Oh, yeah. Let’s do that.

 

[00:17:26] NICOLE: Let’s start off at the Galleria, do a couple of laps, and then walk on over across the street to the Americana and watch the movie.

 

[00:17:36] SASHEER: We’re going to mall hop.

 

[00:17:38] NICOLE: We’re going to mall hop. It’s going to be great. And then maybe we could do an escape room because there’s an escape room at the Galleria.

 

[00:17:43] SASHEER: So many activities!

 

[00:17:44] NICOLE: We are spending that day at the mall! Yeah, it was so dumb. I texted you; I was like, “Hey, you want to do a mall?” You’re like, “Do you have things to pick up?” And I was like, “No, I just want to be in a mall.”

 

[00:17:59] SASHEER: So, yeah, for some reason I never think to, like, go to the mall anymore because I don’t get things from the mall.

 

[00:18:08] NICOLE: Nobody does. Everybody orders things. But I feel like we’re going to come full circle in a couple of years where people are going to be like, “You know how you can shop at home? What if you could go to a bunch of different stores and see everything in person and try it on before it gets to your home?” That’s what I really think the mall rebrand is going to be like. I think people are going to be like, “Oh my God.”

 

[00:18:32] SASHEER: And I would prefer it.

 

[00:18:34] NICOLE: I would prefer it, too. And I think malls are not going to be anchored by department stores. I think they’re going to all be anchored by Targets and Walmarts because then people are like, “Oh, let’s go to Target. Wait a minute. Let’s go to Spencer’s.” Or whatever else is in the mall. And I’ll tell you something. I was recently in a mall, and I spent $85 at Spencer’s. Jokes on me. I gave them real money.

 

[00:19:00] SASHEER: What did you get? Whoopee cushions?

 

[00:19:05] NICOLE: Oh, you better believe I got a reusable Sonic the Hedgehog sippy cup. It’s, like, not a sippy cup. It’s adult sized. I fill it up with ice and water, and I drink out of it. And that’s how I’m getting my liquids in. I bought a shirt that said “Sluts.” I bought another that said “Hooters.” I bought another shirt that’s, like, an X-Men shirt. And I bought some candy because they have fun candy.

 

[00:19:29] SASHEER: I mean, that’s a good haul.

 

[00:19:31] NICOLE: Thank you. I was, like, pretty happy about it.

 

[00:19:34] SASHEER: I kind of get exhausted when I shop at malls. I don’t know if it’s the air or lack of it. I don’t know. Something about walking around multiple stores in the mall. At the end of the day, I’m like, “I’m fuckin beat.”

 

[00:19:47] NICOLE: Yeah, but you feel like you did something. You load up your car with a bunch of bags. And then you bring the bags inside, and you hide them from someone you live with. And then you try everything on, and you put it surreptitiously in your closet, so it doesn’t look like you’ve bought more things. And then you quietly fold up the bags and take them out to the trash and nobody sees them in the inside trash.

 

[00:20:15] SASHEER: Why are you hiding?

 

[00:20:15] NICOLE: When I was younger, I went to the mall and, like, bought things or shoplifted things. I would have to hide it from my mom, so she didn’t know I got new things and asked me where I got the money for. I would be like, “I ain’t got no money. Didn’t need it.” Walked right out.

 

[00:20:35] SASHEER: Five finger discount.

 

[00:20:38] NICOLE: And I don’t do it anymore. I don’t advocate for stealing, although I’m like, “These corporations make so much money. And the people at the top make so much money. What if you steal something or other?”

 

[00:20:48] SASHEER: “Just a little something or other.”

 

[00:20:51] NICOLE: “A candle maybe.” I’ll tell you something. Self-checkouts? You trust me in a self-checkout? I’m taking things.

 

[00:21:03] SASHEER: Yeah, it is pretty dumb. They don’t check your receipt when you walk out the door.

 

[00:21:08] NICOLE: Sure don’t. You know what I got last time I self-checked out when I was in Chicago? Two onions for my grandpa for free.

 

[00:21:16] SASHEER: You stole onions?

 

[00:21:19] NICOLE: Not one, but two!

 

[00:21:22] SASHEER: Who are you? Aladdin?

 

[00:21:23] NICOLE: Yes. Yes, I am. I am.

 

[00:21:26] SASHEER: The street rat?

 

[00:21:26] NICOLE: Yeah. Street rat. But my grandpa also… I was like, “Can you, like, chill out?” As we were leaving, I handed him the receipt of what I did pay for, and he was like, “That was so cheap!” And I was like, “You better shut up before someone comes over and they’re like, ‘It was cheap because these two onions are not on it.’” But it’s fun. It’s fun to trick the little weight station.

 

[00:21:55] SASHEER: I know someone who would buy things from– They were banned from Whole Foods because they kept ringing things up as bananas–getting, like, full groceries and then leaving. And they got caught. And then they were banned.

 

[00:22:16] NICOLE: That’s, I mean, a little extreme, I think. Ooh, can I tell you something I had from Irwin? I had that Hailey Bieber smoothie. I don’t know what that is. Okay. Hailey Bieber at Erewhon has a smoothie that is $20 but is very delicious.

 

[00:22:36] SASHEER: It’s pre-made?

 

[00:22:38] NICOLE: No, I don’t know how it became a Hailey Bieber smoothie. That’s a tongue twister. “Hailey Bieber smoothie.” No, it’s not. I was just having trouble on the first one.

 

[00:22:48] SASHEER: It’s not really a tongue twister.

 

[00:22:53] NICOLE: It isn’t. I don’t know how Hailey Bieber got a smoothie at Erewhon. But it’s there. Wait, Kimmie, can you…? Yeah. Okay.

 

[00:23:03] SASHEER: “Hailey Bieber’s Strawberry Glaze Skin Smoothie.”

 

[00:23:07] NICOLE: “It has mock almond milk, NeoCell Hyaluronic Acid, Harry’s Berries, strawberries, avocado dates, maple sirup, vital proteins, vanilla collagen, vanilla stevia, Erewhon Sea Moss, Zuma Valley Coconut Cream, homemade strawberry glaze, and bananas. No substitutions.” And it’s $17.

 

[00:23:35] SASHEER: I didn’t know you could drink hyaluronic acid.

 

[00:23:40] NICOLE: I also didn’t know that. And I didn’t know that was in it until I got it or until I read that right now.

 

[00:23:46] SASHEER: “This collaboration comes at the same time as the launch of Bieber’s skincare line, Rhode Skin. And a portion of Smoothie proceeds will benefit Robb School Memorial Fund to provide assistance to the family impacted by the Uvalde, Texas tragedy.” That is nice. So, it’s $17, but a chunk of that went to help people. So that’s nice.

 

[00:24:13] NICOLE: That is nice. And let me tell you, it’s delicious. I loved it.

 

[00:24:21] SASHEER: And it sounds like it’s good for your skin.

 

[00:24:23] NICOLE: I hope so. Do I look better?

 

[00:24:29] SASHEER: Especially when you make your eyes that big, yes.

 

[00:24:33] NICOLE: Oh, it was so expensive. It travels well. I drank half of it, put the rest in the refrigerator, and it kept. It didn’t get all, like, loose and nasty. It held its smoothie form. It’s probably all that acid in it.

 

[00:24:52] SASHEER: Yeah.

 

[00:24:54] NICOLE: Oh, boy oh boy. Have you ever been to Erewhon?

 

[00:24:58] SASHEER: I actually don’t think I have. I don’t really buy food.

 

[00:25:07] NICOLE: No. No, you don’t. Also, I may have to stop buying food. I did it bad. I bought just so much chicken–chicken, chicken, chicken–because I was going to make it and eat it for the week or whatever. But then I was like, “I don’t have time to make this chicken. I’m going out to dinner the next three nights.” So, then I put the chicken in the freezer. And then I took it out of the freezer and put it in the refrigerator to defrost. Then I left it in there for a week, and then I was like, “I don’t think this chicken’s good.” So, I put it back in the freezer. I don’t think I can eat that chicken. What are chicken rules?

 

[00:25:33] SASHEER: I don’t know. Like, if you defrost it once, you have to eat it? How long was it defrosted?

 

[00:25:43] NICOLE: For, like, a week.

 

[00:25:44] SASHEER: Oh, then I think it’s done.

 

[00:25:47] NICOLE: It’s done. Okay. I also bought shrimp and did the same thing with them.

 

[00:25:50] SASHEER: That definitely needs to go.

 

[00:25:52] NICOLE: Okay. This is tough out here in these streets. But I guess I should wait till trash day to throw the chicken out in the trash outside because I don’t want to be the smelly chicken house.

 

[00:26:04] SASHEER: You don’t want to be the smelly chicken house. Isn’t your trash can lid broken? You don’t want a coyote crawling in there, trying to get a piece of chicken.

 

[00:26:18] NICOLE: Okay, so my lid is more than broken. It doesn’t exist. It got banged right off and I need to, like, ask the city for a new lid. But my trash cans are so close to the street that people throw their dog shit in there. And when there was a lid, people wouldn’t open the lid. They would just throw it into my fucking driveway. So, I was like, “I guess I’ll just not have a lid.”

 

[00:26:43] SASHEER: They would throw it in your driveway? That’s crazy.

 

[00:26:47] NICOLE: Isn’t that nuts? Terrorists. Terrorists living among us. And then my mailman has decided to sometimes drop packages by the trash cans, and then I don’t see them. And I think I need to put, like, a sign down there that’s like, “Please don’t drop that down there.” I’ll never see it. I was like, “What was the thought process? ‘She needs this. She’ll never see it. This is a good spot.’”

 

[00:27:18] SASHEER: I drove down the street in my neighborhood today, and some people have new trash and recycling bins. And I still have my stinky old ones. But it was so many new ones that it looked like this just happened. A truck just, like, came by and dropped off a bunch of new ones. So, I feel like maybe I’m going to get a new one. But maybe I have to check.

 

[00:27:45] NICOLE: I don’t know.

 

[00:27:46] SASHEER: I don’t want to be the only one with the old ass trash can. I want a new one!

 

[00:27:50] NICOLE: Talk of the neighborhood. They’ll be like, “Uch, she is old and nasty.”

 

[00:27:56] SASHEER: “Her recycling is still gray.”

 

[00:27:58] NICOLE: Oh, they changed colors?

 

[00:28:01] SASHEER: Yeah. Now all the bins are black. And then for recycling, the lid is blue. And I think for trash, maybe the lid is black or something. And for the green stuff, it’s green. But all the actual bins are black.

 

[00:28:15] NICOLE: Wow. Interesting.

 

[00:28:20] SASHEER: Isn’t that interesting?

 

[00:28:21] NICOLE: I don’t think I like just a colorful lid. I want my whole can to be a color.

 

[00:28:28] SASHEER: Yeah, I did like the whole can being a color. But they do look so nice and new.

 

[00:28:34] NICOLE: I had a wheel broken off mine. And I requested a new bin. And they were like, “What’s wrong with it?” I was like, “The wheel broke off, and they were like, ‘We will bring you a wheel.’” They wouldn’t give me a new bin. It was put on, but they wouldn’t bring me a brand new one.

 

[00:28:52] SASHEER: Oh. That’s really funny. “We’ll bring you one wheel.”

 

[00:28:57] NICOLE: “You can have one wheel.” Or maybe it was the lid. I don’t remember. It was some part of the trashcan that I needed a new part. And they didn’t replace the whole thing. And I thought that was wild.

 

[00:29:06] SASHEER: My recycling bin is all fucked up. It looks like someone hit it with their car. I don’t know what happened. And to the point where my neighbor across the street–I actually texted my neighbor because there is some loud ass bird making so much noise really late at night. And I thought it was maybe fake because it was making all the bird noises. It sounded like a car alarm. I was like, “This is not real. There’s no way this one bird is making all these sounds consistently at 3:00 a.m. And I could hear it in my house. It sounded like it was on my neighbor’s house. And I could hear it across the street, in my house, in the back room, with all the doors closed. And so, I texted my neighbor because I was like, “Maybe he has some sort of, like, fake bird sounds that are on his house.” I don’t know what the point would be. To deter intruders? I don’t know. But I was like, “It sounds like something someone installed on their house.” So, I texted my neighbor and was like, “Hey. Just go back to LA. Have you been hearing an increase in bird noises late at night?” thinking he’d be like, “Oh, it’s this alarm thing that I installed.” But instead, he was like, “Yeah, I’ve been hearing them. I think the birds are just out more now. Also, your recycling bin is messed up. And the wheel is, like, off the axle. Do you want me to fix that?” And I was like, “Oh, okay, thanks about the birds. And no, don’t do anything to my recycling bin. I’ll figure it out.”

 

[00:31:00] NICOLE: That’s pretty funny. He was like, “You shouldn’t be concerned about the birds. What you need to be concerned about is your fucked up recycling cans.”

 

[00:31:08] SASHEER: Yeah. “I hate looking at it. It’s really gnarly. And the birds are birds. Get over it.”

 

[00:31:16] NICOLE: I love that you texted your neighbor about bird noises.

 

[00:31:20] SASHEER: Well, because I was really convinced he was doing it. I thought he had installed something on his house to make bird noises because it didn’t make sense otherwise. It was only one bird and no other birds. I was like, “That doesn’t make sense.”

 

[00:31:40] NICOLE: That’s very funny.

 

[00:31:41] SASHEER: But I think it is, in fact, one bird.

 

[00:31:44] NICOLE: And is it every night?

 

[00:31:46] SASHEER: So far. Yes.

 

[00:31:48] NICOLE: Oh no.

 

[00:31:49] SASHEER: But I’ve also… I was listening during the day, too, because I was like, “Is this a real bird?” But there are birds that do that–that do that wackiest succession of noises, one after the other. But they just do it during the day when the other birds are chirping, so it sounds normal. But when it’s individualized late at night, it sounds really wild.

 

[00:32:13] NICOLE: I wonder if that bird is, like, doing a mating call and it’s like, “I’m horny! I’m trying to fuck!” And everyone’s like, “Bitch, shut up!”

 

[00:32:22] SASHEER: “Yeah, we’re asleep!” It needs to do it during the day. Why are you trying to mate at 4:00 a.m.?

 

[00:32:28] NICOLE: She’s trying to get it sneakily. She doesn’t want her bird husband to find out.

 

[00:32:32] SASHEER: He’s going to. She’s loud.

 

[00:32:35] NICOLE: That’s funny. Maybe they live in the next town over, and she comes to this town to find some bird strange. Should we take a quiz? Zillow for a Dillow? What do you want to do?

 

[00:33:03] SASHEER: We could do Zillow for a Dillow.

 

[00:33:03] KIMMIE: All right. Zillow for a Dillow. House number one is called The Bunker. And just a reminder, I’m going to show you two. I will try to go quickly. And you guys can just describe what you’re seeing. And then at the end, you choose which one you would choose if you had to.

 

[00:33:24] SASHEER: Okay. So, this is in Washington State. These look like they were grain silos.

 

[00:33:33] NICOLE: Sasheer, I don’t know. What’s a grain silo?

 

[00:33:38] SASHEER: Something that houses grain. It’s like a big old tin can.

 

[00:33:42] NICOLE: I’ve never heard of a grain silo. These look like big tin cans to me that, like, corn comes in but a thousand times the size of what corn would be.

 

[00:33:57] SASHEER: It’s for 1.6 million. Three beds, one bath, 1,300 square feet, and they are all connected, I guess.

 

[00:34:06] NICOLE: Yeah. And they have three outside doors, which is wild. So, this kitchen is nuts. It’s the inside of a tin can. They don’t have nothing else going on.

 

[00:34:16] SASHEER: There’s no walls in here.

 

[00:34:18] NICOLE: No. But they hung pictures on this tin can.

 

[00:34:21] SASHEER: And also, deer.

 

[00:34:25] NICOLE: There’s a lot of antlers.

 

[00:34:26] SASHEER: There’s a deer head, two antlers not attached to deer, and a boar’s head.

 

[00:34:31] NICOLE: And they have a stainless-steel refrigerator, stainless steel little carts with wood tops.

 

[00:34:36] SASHEER: They have stainless steel walls.

 

[00:34:39] NICOLE: And then they have a TV in the kitchen. Who’s watching TV in the kitchen? There are guns.

 

[00:34:49] SASHEER: The door handle is a rifle.

 

[00:34:53] NICOLE: “Oh, yeah. A man must live here. Oh, yeah. Okay. Individual recliners? That’s a man’s pad. And I think there’s tools.” There’s a tool room. And then lofted beds.

 

[00:35:12] SASHEER: So many golf clubs.

 

[00:35:13] NICOLE: Too many golf clubs. Yeah, a man lives here. “A dirt bike for manly adventures.” This is the weirdest house I’ve ever seen in my whole life.

 

[00:35:26] SASHEER: Oh, there’s an outdoor shooting range.

 

[00:35:29] NICOLE: Oh, my goodness. And a stocked pond. What is that?

 

[00:35:34] SASHEER: Is that 386 acres? “A phenomenal hunting ground with an abundance of game available all year round. This property is perfect for outdoor enthusiasts–from the stocked pond and outdoor shooting range with targets up to one mile, to the fully improved grain bins–”

 

[00:35:52] NICOLE: You were right.

 

[00:35:53] SASHEER: See? Grain bins “that make an ideal entertainment venue. With state-of-the-art security system equipped with cameras and smart home management system in place, you can ensure your safety and peace of mind wherever you are. The property generates income from pasture rent and crop production–” Oh shit, you got a farm? Why don’t they show a picture of that? Do they have pictures of the farm or just the grain silos? It’s really in the middle of nowhere. I would be terrified to be here.

 

[00:36:23] NICOLE: Truly. No, I couldn’t do that.

 

[00:36:25] SASHEER: Oh, there’s the pond. It looks sick.

 

[00:36:28] NICOLE: It does look pretty sick.

 

[00:36:31] SASHEER: Like, not well. No, I would not feel safe here.

 

[00:36:35] NICOLE: No, you couldn’t pay me to live there. “It accommodates up to six people, providing you with the ultimate rural experience. The pond is stocked with bass and is engineered to never freeze.”

 

[00:36:49] SASHEER: “Engineered”? That seems wrong.

 

[00:36:53] NICOLE: There’s a heater in there? It’s like a pool? They put a heater?

 

[00:36:57] SASHEER: Or there’s chemicals in there? Why doesn’t it freeze? Something’s wrong.

 

[00:37:02] NICOLE: Weird. Maybe they put that goop that’s in, like, ice packs that are just kind of always…? They’re never hard? And there’s liquid in there? Maybe that’s what the pond is made out of.

 

[00:37:16] SASHEER: And there’s bass?

 

[00:37:18] NICOLE: You can’t eat the bass.

 

[00:37:21] SASHEER: They’re radioactive, but they’re there.

 

[00:37:25] NICOLE: Okay, this is house number two. The Brass in Berkeley, California. It’s $1.997 million. Five bedrooms. Five bathrooms. 4,083 square feet.

 

[00:37:37] SASHEER: Oh no.

 

[00:37:39] NICOLE: This house is wild! It looks like trumpets are coming out of the side of it. And then… Uch! Okay, so it looks like they turned a garage into, like, more living space because there’s definitely garage doors.

 

[00:38:01] SASHEER: Also, there’s, like… What are those? Golf tees? The things that you put a golf ball on top of?

 

[00:38:06] NICOLE: It does look like they’ve decorated the home–the outside of the home–with a golfing pick.

 

[00:38:13] SASHEER: Or nails?

 

[00:38:16] NICOLE: That house is nasty.

 

[00:38:18] SASHEER: Why do they do this? I mean, the whole house is, like, an instrument.

 

[00:38:22] NICOLE: Oh my God. Those flumes are more golf tees.

 

[00:38:29] SASHEER: Oh, it’s just all golf themed?

 

[00:38:31] NICOLE: This is a golf themed home.

 

[00:38:34] SASHEER: Gross.

 

[00:38:35] NICOLE: Nasty.

 

[00:38:36] SASHEER: The inside is not bad. Gold-accented. It kind of looks like a hotel.

 

[00:38:41] NICOLE: Yeah, it’s gray. Fucking shades of gray, white, and black. I will never, ever get used to seeing such boring homes. Like this? They managed to make a golf outside themed home boring on the inside. Where’s the green? Where’s more golf stuff? I don’t know.

 

[00:39:02] SASHEER: They do have, like, a lot of wavy– There are spiral staircases, which are kind of annoying honestly. Why do you have a spiral staircase in your house?

 

[00:39:10] NICOLE: So, you get dizzy when you get upstairs.

 

[00:39:13] SASHEER: They’re so annoying to me. Carpeted spiral staircase.

 

[00:39:20] NICOLE: Yeah. This house has too many compartments.

 

[00:39:25] SASHEER: Circular bedroom?

 

[00:39:27] NICOLE: Listen, I like a circle bed. That’s fun.

 

[00:39:29] SASHEER: I think I would get confused.

 

[00:39:32] NICOLE: Yeah, that’s why I think it might be fun.

 

[00:39:36] SASHEER: A black bathroom.

 

[00:39:37] NICOLE: Black bathroom with tiny squares and gold. This is a nasty house. A pool table. Nasty black floors. And I have to choose between these two nasty houses?

 

[00:39:57] SASHEER: “Welcome to the 1985 Tunnel Road. The Saxophone House–” So it has to be a saxophone.

 

[00:40:03] NICOLE: Okay…

 

[00:40:04] SASHEER: Okay. “The Saxophone House, designed by ace architects, is a stunning piece of art featuring some of the most whimsical looks. Built in 1996 for an amateur jazz player–” Okay. First of all, they’re an amateur jazz player, and you’re committing that hard to making your house into a saxophone? You’re not even a professional?

 

[00:40:28] NICOLE: Well, they’re selling it, so I think they’ve moved on.

 

[00:40:32] SASHEER: “Can you see yourself hosting a grand party in this castle or enjoying an incredible sunset view from the deck? A must-see to appreciate?” I guess so because I’m looking at it now, and I don’t appreciate it.

 

[00:40:44] NICOLE: Okay, if I had to choose, I would definitely live in the saxophone house over the fucking middle of fucking nowhere in a tin can.

 

[00:40:53] SASHEER: Oh God. Yeah, I hate the saxophone house, but I would rather live there because at least people could hear me if I scream. That wilderness one scares me.

 

[00:41:03] NICOLE: Yeah. Your scream would be amplified through the plumes. Ew, both those houses are nasty, and I didn’t like it.

 

[00:41:14] SASHEER: Gross. Okay. Should we answer some queries?

 

[00:41:32] NICOLE: Let’s help the people.

 

[00:41:37] BRADY: Hi. Longtime listener, first time caller. My name is Brady. I live in sunny Los Angeles. I’m actually on the 405 right now but paying attention on my driveway. Anyways, if you couldn’t tell by the tone of my voice, I am a homosexual. And a lot of my close friends are, you know, straight guys that I’m really close with from college. And, you know, I’ve always been super out to them. They’re wonderful, great, great guys. I love them so much. The thing I wanted to kind of ask about though is just different levels of friends are not super comfortable talking about relationship stuff, like, sort of unprompted. My best friend in the world–I kind of had to drag it out of him when he started dating because he mentioned her offhand and I had to be like, “Whoa, hold the phone. You said this name. Who is he?” And it’s something that I wish I’d be able to talk about with them more because, you know, with a lot of my gay friends or with a lot of my, you know, girlfriends–straight, lesbian, bi, all that–I’m able to really talk about dating and all that shit more. And, you know, part of me wonders if it’s, like, worrying about referencing gay sex stuff, which I talk a little bit about with them. I joke that I am the ambassador of gayness for them. But also–I don’t know–it’s just weird because I feel like that is something that I like talking about and want to be open about. And, you know, my friends aren’t, which I understand. My roommate, who’s a good friend, jokes about me being nosy when I was asking about this stuff, which we kind of laughed off because he’s met my family who can be very nosy. But yeah, I just wanted to know, like, in y’all’s experience with straight men or with otherwise–sort of getting people to be more comfortable talking about topics that mean a lot to you because, you know, I’m looking for love. And it’s part of my life. It’s something I want to talk about with everybody. Okay. Love the podcast. Sasheer, both my parents are UVA alums so, you know, wahoowa. And yeah, thank you.

 

[00:44:22] NICOLE: “Wahoowa.” Is that a UVA thing?

 

[00:44:27] SASHEER: It is. Yeah. That’s, like, a chant at the school. Wahoowa.

 

[00:44:35] NICOLE: I’d be like, “Guys, you’re in college? Okay.” This is tough for me because I feel like all the straight men I know will hang out with another straight man, and I’ll be like, “What did you all talk about?” And they’re like, “Nothing personal.”

 

[00:44:47] SASHEER: That’s what I was going to say. I was like, “I think this might just be straight men.” I don’t think they really get that deep about their relationships–or much else at all. They can know someone for decades and have no idea that they’re having problems in their marriage or whatever.

 

[00:45:08] NICOLE: Yeah. Maybe it’s something like, “Oh, I’m being nosy because you’re my friend and I’d like to know things about you.” I don’t know, maybe bring it up. Be like, “I know straight guys don’t like talking about it, but, like, maybe it’ll be fun for us. Do you want to just gab?”

 

[00:45:26] SASHEER: Yeah, I guess you could ask, like, specific questions about their relationships. But then maybe you would still be met with the “you’re being nosy” energy. Part of me wants to say, like,” I think you can’t expect that kind of relationship with your straight male friends.” I haven’t seen it.

 

[00:45:47] NICOLE: I also haven’t seen it. But I do have some straight male friends that I will have conversations with that are more interpersonal. Okay, if you bring it up and you’re like, “Tell me about the girl you’re dating,” and they’re like, “You’re being nosy,” be like, “Yeah, I’m gay. Tell me about your life.” I think maybe that would be helpful. And then maybe they’d be like, “Oh, this is a man that I can talk to.” I don’t know.

 

[00:46:14] SASHEER: That’s an interesting point. You know, maybe because they don’t share with other men what’s going on with their lives–maybe because you’re a man–they’re like, “Nope.” But maybe if you’re like, “No, no, no, no, no. I’m different.”

 

[00:46:28] NICOLE: “I’m not like those other men.”

 

[00:46:31] SASHEER: Yeah.

 

[00:46:35] NICOLE: Yeah. And then maybe you’ll break the cycle of straight men not talking about their feelings, and all straight men will go get a gay friend and drama dump on them. No, I’m kidding. I don’t know. Maybe men will learn how to open up. I don’t know. I wish men wanted to open up. I wish we didn’t socialize men to keep it all inside.

 

[00:46:55] SASHEER: Yeah, I think they’re getting better. There are some men who are naturally open, but I think it might be few and far between. Like, there’s men’s groups that are created for men to feel safe to talk.

 

[00:47:10] NICOLE: Really?

 

[00:47:11] SASHEER: Yeah.

 

[00:47:13] NICOLE: How do you find a men’s group?

 

[00:47:16] SASHEER: The internet?

 

[00:47:18] NICOLE: Hmm. Okay.

 

[00:47:22] SASHEER: A place for them to share feelings and… I’m sure there’s some sort of, like, self-development in there. That’s how little they share in their lives. They have to go specifically searching for other men who are willing to share about themselves.

 

[00:47:42] NICOLE: Wild. Oh, I wouldn’t wish masculinity on anybody.

 

[00:47:46] SASHEER: No, I know.

 

[00:47:47] NICOLE: Seems exhausting.

 

[00:47:49] SASHEER: Yeah. Yeah.

 

[00:47:53] NICOLE: But yeah, I think it would be easy… I don’t know. “I’m not like other dudes. Just talk to me. You’re my friend. I want to know about you.”

 

[00:48:01] SASHEER: Yeah. Or you share first. Maybe you share with them some stuff about your relationship. Maybe that would make them feel more comfortable opening up to you. Give it a try!

 

[00:48:14] NICOLE: Judith? Kimmie? Do you guys have any advice?

 

[00:48:17] KIMMIE: I think I’d just say maybe try once to be like, “Hey, I really like to talk about, like, dating and life and what’s going on. And I’d love to hear that about you.” And if they really don’t bite… You can’t force it if they’re not comfortable. It might be, like, a long journey, but I definitely know straight guys who do that–are game for it. And then I know straight guys who are just, like, not into that. So, it depends. I think it’s fair to say, “Hey, this is how I show I care. I ask these questions. And then if they’re not into it, they’re not into it. But I don’t think it’s wrong for you to express that. I think that’s really reasonable.

 

[00:48:50] JUDITH: Yeah, I agree. I definitely think keep your expectations low for straight men for sure. That’s the smartest strategy there. They need all the prayer and help they can get. But beyond that, I do like the idea of also asking, like, “Hey, I need advice on something. I’m thinking I might start dating again. What do you guys think?” Just kind of gauge their interest if you’re wanting to open that up–if you want them to be a little bit vulnerable–normalize being vulnerable with them. If you trust them enough to do that, then maybe that will be reciprocated. And yeah, use your discernment because, you know, you don’t need to share everything with all of your friends sometimes. You know, you can keep things to yourself, or if you want to make sure you foster that community, then try and be a little bit vulnerable with them and see how it goes.

 

[00:49:48] KIMMIE: I’d also say if someone does, like, start maybe a tiny bit opening up, be very gentle because I’ve heard stories from guys where they start toying with more emotional realness. And someone will tease them, not even me. I don’t know. With my female friends, I can tease them a little bit. But we’re used to being emotionally vulnerable, so it’s not sensitive. But if someone’s new to it and they get teased, it can shut it down. So just be cognizant and gentle if someone does start doing that because they might not be used to it. They may be oddly more sensitive to it.

 

[00:50:18] SASHEER: Yeah.

 

[00:50:19] NICOLE: Yeah. I once had a straight man tell me his feelings, and I laughed. And then I never heard–

 

[00:50:23] SASHEER: Oh no!

 

[00:50:24] NICOLE: It was funny. It was a funny feeling. And I never heard the end of it. So, I think Kimmie is on to something. You cannot laugh at a straight man because… I don’t know.

 

[00:50:40] SASHEER: Yeah, they start opening up, just be like, “Sounds gay, dude.”

 

[00:50:45] NICOLE: Solved!

 

[00:50:49] SASHEER: If you have any questions or queries or concerns or advice or anything, you can email nicoleandsasheer@gmail.com. Or call or text or leave a voice memo at 424-645-7003.

 

[00:51:02] NICOLE: Merch is something we have at podswag.com/bestfriends.

 

[00:51:08] SASHEER: Transcripts are also something that we have for our new episodes. Check them out on our show page at earwolf.com.

 

[00:51:15] NICOLE: Rate, review, and subscribe is what you have to do! That’s the easiest way to support the show.

 

[00:51:22] SASHEER: Yes! Goodbye.

 

[00:51:24] NICOLE: Signing off from sunny Los Angeles, it’s been Nicole and…

 

[00:51:29] SASHEER: Sasheer. I didn’t know you weren’t going to say my name.

 

[00:51:34] NICOLE: Keeping you on your toes.