EP. 208 — Sasheer’s Gonna Love the Meats

 

[00:00:02] SASHEER: Hey, friends. We are back with a live show in Los Angeles. We’re going to be at the Largo at the Coronet, Monday, June 19.

 

[00:00:11] NICOLE: It’s our live show! It’s our first live show in a while. And we are so excited to be together and to be with you. Come! Bring your best friend! Bring multiple best friends! Bring your friendship questions and be ready to have a lot of fun.

 

[00:00:36] SASHEER: Tickets are available at largo.la.com for Monday, June 19.

 

[00:00:46] NICOLE: See you there! People will be like, “They’re sick. They’re not well. Maybe we should go and check up on them.”

 

[00:00:55] SASHEER: Yes.

 

[00:01:08] NICOLE: Good morning, Sasheer.

 

[00:01:09] SASHEER: Good morning, Nicole.

 

[00:01:11] NICOLE: Actually, it’s not morning in either place or at all.

 

[00:01:14] SASHEER: Now, it’s afternoon here.

 

[00:01:16] NICOLE: It’s very much afternoon here. Oh my God. So, Clyde and I went on a walk, and we saw a snake.

 

[00:01:26] SASHEER: Ooh, creepy.

 

[00:01:28] NICOLE: And Clyde tried so hard to shit right next to that snake and make friends. And I screamed, “You can’t get near a snake.” And then a lady walked by, and she was like, “Oh, that is a snake.” And then I clocked that she was holding a tiny bottle of Sutter Home Wine. But there wasn’t wine in it. It was clear, which leads me to believe it is water and she uses it for water for her walk. Or my friend was slamming vodka.

 

[00:01:54] SASHEER: Ooh. You know, a lot of interesting options there.

 

[00:02:01] NICOLE: Yes. And do you remember the house I sent you that’s being built by me, where it seems like their front door is in the heavens?

 

[00:02:08] SASHEER: Oh, yeah.

 

[00:02:09] NICOLE: So, a man working on the house–I was like, “Oh, are you working on this house?” And he was like, “Yes.” And I said, “Why is the front door so high up?” And he was like, “Well, you can access it through the garage, but the views are great.” And I was like, “Sure, but why isn’t the front door lower? Like, why is it so high?” He’s like, “Well, that’s the design we did.” And I was like, “Yeah, but, like, I would never come visit.” He’s like, “Well, you don’t have to.” And I was like, “Okay.” It was so rude. And then I went to dinner with–

 

[00:02:39] SASHEER: Wait, you don’t think it’s rude to walk up and be like, “I don’t like this design”?

 

[00:02:44] NICOLE: I didn’t think of it that way. Didn’t think of it that way at all. But I guess it was rude of me. I mean, it’s so high up. It’s going to be thousands of stairs. What, your house is Machu Picchu or whatever? Machu Pikachu? Whatever. The mountain? I gotta climb Mount Everest to visit you? I would never. And then this man was rude to me because I pulled into the parking lot. And he was like, “Hello?” And I was like, “Hi, how much is it?” He was like, “$12. You park anywhere.” I said, “Okay.” He’s like, “Cold tonight, right?” And I was like, “It is cold. Oh, I wish I had a cardigan. Ooh, I do! I have one in my back seat.” Then I said, “You don’t care, do you?” He goes, “No, I don’t.” And I was like, “Okay.”

 

[00:03:38] SASHEER: I mean, you asked. And he gave an honest answer.

 

[00:03:43] NICOLE: Lie! Tell me you care about me. So rude.

 

[00:03:48] SASHEER: This is a parking lot. This is not like customer service. He doesn’t have to be nice to you at all.

 

[00:03:55] NICOLE: I guess you’re right. I just was really shook. Like, just pretend that you care about me. Is that so hard to ask?

 

[00:04:05] SASHEER: I love when people are honest and don’t do the fake, like, “How are you? How do you do?” There’s, like, so much of that in parts of Georgia, where the customer service is overly like, “Right this way. Let me get this for you.” And I’m like, “Ah.” You can say all the same things. Just be a human being.

 

[00:04:30] NICOLE: Just be chill about it.

 

[00:04:31] SASHEER: I think there are people who like that–who want to feel, like… doted on or something. I don’t like it, though.

 

[00:04:38] NICOLE: They want to feel like this Sizzler is their home. That’s what some people want. I went to a restaurant where the server was overly nice. She was just like, “Have you dined here before?” I hadn’t; my friend had. And she’s like, “Welcome back, and welcome for the first time. What can I get you?” And I was like, “Oh my God. Wine.” And then I ordered these, like… I don’t know what they’re called, but they were, like, bones and meat.

 

[00:05:12] SASHEER: Was it just a piece of meat?

 

[00:05:14] NICOLE: I don’t know what kind of meat it was. It came in a big dish, and there were big bones. Big bones and big meat. And I wanted that. And she’s like, “We’re all out of it.” And I was like, “Wait, what?” And she said, “Sorry.” And I said, “Well, can you, like, find one back there and just give me one? Like, do you just have one?” And she’s like, “Let me see what I could do.” And then she didn’t do it. And I knew they had a piece of bone and meat back there for me. I just wanted the one. I mean, I would have taken one from someone’s table that, like, they didn’t want. Just heat it back up and kill the bacteria from the table and then give it to me.

 

[00:05:53] SASHEER: Ew.

 

[00:05:53] NICOLE: What do you mean “ew”?

 

[00:05:54] SASHEER: I think it’s, like, a health code thing.

 

[00:05:57] NICOLE: No. If you heat it up, you’re killing bacteria from the other people. Give me my bone and meat.

 

[00:06:02] SASHEER: But I think they, like, don’t want to risk it because what if you get sick from it and then you’re like, “It’s because they gave me someone else’s food.”

 

[00:06:10] NICOLE: I would sign a waiver to never talk about it.

 

[00:06:14] SASHEER: At your own risk.

 

[00:06:15] NICOLE: Yeah. I mean, we should start a restaurant where if you don’t want to take home your leftovers, another table can order your leftovers at half price.

 

[00:06:25] SASHEER: I think that’s so gross.

 

[00:06:30] NICOLE: Okay, you’re gonna think this is nasty. My friend used to work at a restaurant. It’s no more. It was called Henry’s on the Upper West Side. And this table ordered a steak. And I was at the bar having a nice time. They were the last ones. Nobody touched that steak. It was a table steak that nobody wanted. And then they got it wrapped up. And then they left it. And nobody came back. And they were about to close, so I took it home. And I ate it. And it was good.

 

[00:07:02] SASHEER: I guess that’s okay. If it’s in the middle of the table and no one touched it, I think it’s fine. But if someone has food on their plate that they’ve been eating around, I think that food should go in the trash.

 

[00:07:16] NICOLE: Well, they kept taking these dishes with the bones and the meat in them. So, I’m thinking people are taking bones and meat and putting them on their plate and then the bones and meat that they were taking away had not been touched.

 

[00:07:27] SASHEER: Oh, I see. Okay. Maybe.

 

[00:07:31] NICOLE: I wish I knew what kind of meat this was.

 

[00:07:35] SASHEER: I’m glad you don’t. I want to keep describing it as “bones and meat.”

 

[00:07:37] NICOLE: It was the biggest bone and the biggest piece of meat. And it looked luxurious. I wanted it. When you come back to LA, I have a restaurant that I must take you to. Lots of meat on skewers. And they make their own soft serve ice cream.

 

[00:08:08] SASHEER: That’s not for me, but I love that you get to have that.

 

[00:08:11] NICOLE: Yes, it is a thing specifically for me. But you’re going to love the meats.

 

[00:08:17] SASHEER: I can’t wait to get the meat. Is it Arby’s?

 

[00:08:24] NICOLE: Imagine. I’m like, “I can’t wait till you get home. I found this fabulous restaurant.” And we roll up to Arby’s.

 

[00:08:30] SASHEER: You’re like, “They have the meats.”

 

[00:08:31] NICOLE: They have the meats! And I love the meats.

 

[00:08:34] SASHEER: I’m pretty sure that ice cream, too. No?

 

[00:08:37] NICOLE: I don’t know if Arby’s has ice cream. Jordan, will you look up if Arby’s has desserts?

 

[00:08:45] SASHEER: There’s a Dairy Queen near me, and… Do you like Dairy Queen?

 

[00:08:49] NICOLE: Yes. I love a grill and chill.

 

[00:08:53] SASHEER: Yes, I was going to talk about that. I don’t know if you’ve ever been in a Dairy Queen. And it says, “Grill and chill,” so they must have burgers.

 

[00:09:02] NICOLE: Yes. They have some of the best chicken fingers you can get.

 

[00:09:05] SASHEER: Really?

 

[00:09:07] NICOLE: Yes, I love Dairy Queen grill and chill chicken fingies. They are so delightful and delicious. The Dairy Queen in the town I grew up in didn’t have a grill. They only had a chill.

 

[00:09:20] SASHEER:  Yeah. That’s what I’m used to is just the chill. But the grill? Surprising.

 

[00:09:27] NICOLE: Yeah, and I think they have hot dogs, so I think you might have a nice time.

 

[00:09:31] SASHEER: Oh, my goodness. Maybe I will.

 

[00:09:36] NICOLE: Okay, so let’s say you’re going to a Dairy Queen. What is your order?

 

[00:09:42] SASHEER: I don’t even know what they have there. I guess a hot dog and… Well, see, I wouldn’t go because I just thought they only had chills and I would only get ice cream there, which I don’t want to get.

 

[00:09:54] NICOLE: Yeah. You’re not an ice cream fan. And that makes me sad sometimes.

 

[00:09:59] SASHEER: I know. It’s a real contentious point.

 

[00:10:03] NICOLE: I just want to, like, lick some dessert with you.

 

[00:10:07] SASHEER: I’m so sorry. Although I did have some ice cream recently at a restaurant in LA that I liked because it wasn’t too cold. I don’t know how they made it, but it wasn’t too cold.

 

[00:10:18] NICOLE: Where was it from?

 

[00:10:20] SASHEER: Oh, I can’t remember what the name of it was. I’ll have to look it up. It was, like, a new restaurant.

 

[00:10:26] NICOLE: Oh, okay. Ooh, yeah. They got a chili dog for you. Two for $5!

 

[00:10:32] SASHEER: The hotdog is sideways. It’s very strange to look at a hotdog at that angle.

 

[00:10:37] NICOLE: I think they’re trying to show you the goods.

 

[00:10:41] SASHEER: Yeah, but it’s funny to have only chili and not cheese. It is just so strange.

 

[00:10:52] NICOLE: It does look very strange because–yeah–it’s usually like a chili cheese dog, right?

 

[00:10:56] SASHEER: But yeah, this is a proper food menu, like any other fast-food restaurant. Fries and pretzel sticks. Cheese curds. Salads!

 

[00:11:09] NICOLE: Oowee. Give me a salad from DQ. My order growing up was a peanut buster parfait, and they were my absolute favorite. So, it’s a layer of fudge, sprinkles, and peanuts. And I would get a singular Reese’s mini peanut butter cup and then ice cream and then the same layer of the same yum, yum ice cream and then topped off at the same layer of the same yum, yum. And honestly, it was a lot for a child. And my mother let me have it because she said, “I’m setting you up for failure.”

 

[00:11:45] SASHEER: It is a lot for a child. It’s a lot for an adult.

 

[00:11:51] NICOLE: And I would slop that shit down. It’s a royal treat! My fave. Oh, this is Arby’s.

 

[00:12:03] SASHEER: They do have ice cream.

 

[00:12:05] NICOLE: An Orange Cream Shake.

 

[00:12:07] SASHEER: Chocolate Shake.

 

[00:12:08] NICOLE: That sounds good.

 

[00:12:09] SASHEER: Jamocha Shake.

 

[00:12:11] NICOLE: Oh, jamoching me crazy.

 

[00:12:17] SASHEER: And there’s a Vanilla Shake.

 

[00:12:23] NICOLE: Cherry Turnover. This is great.

 

[00:12:24] SASHEER: They have the sweets.

 

[00:12:26] NICOLE: They have the meats and the sweets! One of my favorite treats is from a gas station. It’s called a f’real milkshake. And you get to choose your consistency–f’real. And I was so excited to have one when I was driving back from Vegas. And it wasn’t good. It was, like, rotten. I was so disappointed. I had one little yum, yum scoop and I was like, “This is sick.” And then we got coupons because Mano complained. We got coupons for free ones, but we still haven’t gone to get our free ones. Yes, f’real! Yeah. Find me one. Find one close to me.

 

[00:13:10] SASHEER: There’s one in North Hollywood. Not many places.

 

[00:13:17] NICOLE: Not too many.

 

[00:13:19] SASHEER: And they’re all at gas stations.

 

[00:13:22] NICOLE: Yeah, Sasheer, it’s a gas station treat.

 

[00:13:24] SASHEER: I guess so. Oh, Eagle Rock. The Eagle Rock Chevron.

 

[00:13:29] NICOLE: Yes, the Eagle Rock Chevron. We have a Chevron ExtraMile. We got Honey 2 A Bee Smoke Shop. Okay, branching out.

 

[00:13:41] SASHEER: Yeah, they got a smoke shop.

 

[00:13:41] NICOLE: Quiznos?

 

[00:13:45] SASHEER: Emporium Thai Cuisine?

 

[00:13:48] NICOLE: I love f’reals.

 

[00:13:54] SASHEER: And it’s ice cream or frozen yogurt?

 

[00:13:56] NICOLE: No, no, it’s ice cream. But I do love some frozen yogurt. When we were leaving the Bahamas, I had to stay in the customs line for hours. It was terrible. You breezed right through. But on the other side, there was a TCBY–the country’s best yogurt–and I was so elated. I love a TCBY.

 

[00:14:16] SASHEER: It’s the best.

 

[00:14:18] NICOLE: It’s the country’s best yogurt. We had a TCBY in my town growing up. And my mother would be like, “Do you want TCBY, or do you want Dairy Queen?” And sometimes I’d be like, “Mama, let’s be healthy. TCBY.” But then I would load it up with some fudge and Reese’s peanut butter cups. So, it was not healthy at all. It’s basically the same thing as Dairy Queen.

 

[00:14:41] SASHEER: Right. That’s true.

 

[00:14:54] NICOLE: Growing up, did you have a favorite sandwich shop?

 

[00:15:02] SASHEER: Hmm. What’s my favorite sandwich shop? I did get a lot of burgers from Hardee’s.

 

[00:15:08] NICOLE: Ooh.

 

[00:15:09] SASHEER: Those thick burgers.

 

[00:15:12] NICOLE: Ooh. A Hardee’s thick burger. Oh, shit. What’s the name–? I think it was Luigi’s in Lincroft, New Jersey. No, Luigi’s was a pizza place. Oh, shit. How do I figure out the name of this sandwich shop? Joyce’s. That’s what it was. Joyce’s Subs. And they made the most delicious bacon, egg, and cheese sandwiches and BLTs. They also had pizza. Jordan, can you look it up to see if they’re still in business?

 

[00:15:44] SASHEER: Joyce’s Subs & Pizzas.

 

[00:15:49] NICOLE: Yes! In Lincroft, New Jersey. Ooh. Well, let’s look at that menu. This is a great website. Pretty elegant.

 

[00:15:57] SASHEER: Very elegant.

 

[00:16:05] NICOLE: Very, very elegant. I want to see what they have for breakfast.

 

[00:16:10] SASHEER: “Healthy choices. Egg whites. The Bells. Two egg whites, avocado, green pepper, onion–”

 

[00:16:20] NICOLE: They have avocados now? Wow. Moving on up!

 

[00:16:27] SASHEER: They’re keeping up with the times.

 

[00:16:28] NICOLE: They really are. Okay, let’s see what cold subs there are. Wait. Who’s Kathy Toop? Wait. Go back up. There’s a Kathy Toop special? Who’s Cathy?

 

[00:16:43] SASHEER: “Three pancakes or French toast, two eggs any style, bacon, and toast.” It’s also not very special.

 

[00:16:48] NICOLE: No, it’s not at all.

 

[00:16:51] SASHEER: Kathy Toop. Maybe she was a regular.

 

[00:16:54] NICOLE: Interesting. Maybe, and that’s what she got every day. If anyone knows who Kathy Toop is, please let me know. I got to know. Well, that’s Joyce’s Subs. That was my favorite sandwich place growing up. I’m glad we went over that.

 

[00:17:14] SASHEER: I’m so glad we went over that. I’m not a sandwich person. I think I’m more of a burger or anything else person.

 

[00:17:23] NICOLE: I am as well. I do love a burger. I’m not a sandwich girl, really. I’m never really eating sandwiches, except there is this place in New York called Subsconscious. I’ve talked about them on the podcast before because that’s how I found out that I liked Kraft Ranch so much because I was like, “Your ranch is divine.” And they were like, “It’s Kraft.” And I was like, “What?” But yeah, I like those sandwiches. And we get grilled chicken, bacon, lettuce, tomato, and dip it in some rant. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

 

[00:17:52] SASHEER: Oh, I gotta tell you about this place I went to in my Midwest adventures. I went to The Ark Encounter.

 

[00:18:05] NICOLE: It’s a biblical adventure park?

 

[00:18:08] SASHEER: It is a biblical adventure park. They built Noah’s Ark to what they think is scale. And you can go in, and there’s a museum inside of it.  It is huge. And they also have, like, zip lining and, like, a petting zoo.

 

[00:18:31] NICOLE: In the ark?

 

[00:18:32] SASHEER: Outside of the ark. They do have, like, crates and cages of where they think animals would have been. And this is finished in 2016. And they, I guess, were like, “Well, we can’t deny that dinosaurs existed. So, they put dinosaurs in the ark.”

 

[00:18:55] NICOLE: This makes me very happy to think of Noah corralling a tyrannosaurus rex into the ark.

 

[00:19:05] SASHEER: They have pictures of, like, Adam and Eve surrounded by brontosauruses and other dinosaurs. And I guess they’re like, “Well, you know, the Bible didn’t specify what type of animal it was. It said two dogs. But dogs back at that time were, like, this breed of dinosaur that eventually evolved into a dog. So…”

 

[00:19:32] NICOLE: Wow. That’s actually fully unhinged. That is simply wild. What a treat for all of us. And did you have a nice time?

 

[00:19:43] SASHEER: I had the best time. I was laughing the whole time. That’s why I went. I was like, “This is going to be a riot. I can’t wait.” And yeah, it was, like, astounding to be like, “So many people signed on to this.” Like, there’s a whole wall of donors and people who, like, paid for a plank, paid for the side of the ark, paid for a window. And I’m like, “Did they know dinosaurs were involved with this when they paid for this stuff?”

 

[00:20:16] NICOLE: Honestly, that is so fucking funny. I think there’s another Christian amusement park maybe in Florida. Maybe I was in the Midwest. I don’t remember. But I remember driving past, being like, “I would like to go to there. And I wish I didn’t have to drive to, like, go to a show. I wish I could just stop here and have a nice time with Jesus.”

 

[00:20:38] SASHEER: Yeah. But it was interesting to watch people who I think came for a nice time with Jesus. They were confused about what they were seeing.

 

[00:20:50] NICOLE: They were like, “What? Dinosaurs aren’t real. It’s Adam and Eve. What are you doing?” That is so funny.

 

[00:20:58] SASHEER: There was also, like, a placard at the beginning of the tour that was explaining how they included the women of the Ark–Noah’s family–his wife and his daughters because I guess the Bible didn’t really explain that much about them. But they’re like, “We’re expanding their story.” And I was like, “Who’s trying to make this woke?” I guess I appreciate it, but all of it’s, like… What? They’re like, “If we’re going to do this, we’re going to do it in a way that’s above board and inclusive.” There was even a part about, like, racism and how people use the Bible to further their agenda of inequality or oppression. And then they explain, like, “Yes, unfortunately, some people use some Bible verses to, like, be racist. But God says…” And they put some quotes about everyone being equal and we’re all God’s children and all this stuff. And I was like, “I mean, not what I was expecting at all.”

 

[00:22:14] NICOLE: No. Imagine someone’s whole philosophy changed just by reading that. They’re like, “I’m racist. God doesn’t want me to be racist. I love black people!”

 

[00:22:24] SASHEER: Maybe. Who knows?

 

[00:22:25] NICOLE: Maybe they’re changing lives. Who knows? I found something where a man was explaining… So, you know how people will use the Bible to be like, “A man lying with another man is a sin”? But they don’t read the whole thing because men should be on top back in the day to assert, like, dominance or whatever. So, if you lie with another man, the man who’s bottoming is an abomination because he’s not on top. That’s all they meant by that, allegedly. I might be bastardizing it because I don’t comprehend and retain information. This man had, like, spliced himself with this woman, explaining why being gay is wrong or whatever. And he was like, “No, I actually have a doctorate in the thelothian studies.” What’s that called again?

 

[00:23:14] SASHEER: Theology?

 

[00:23:16] NICOLE: Sure. Yeah, that sounds right. That sounds better than “thelogian.” And then he just was explaining what it actually meant. And I was like, “Oh my God. People have just been twisting words for centuries.”

 

[00:23:27] SASHEER: Oh, yeah. There’s also, like… I don’t know if it’s versions of the Bible or just parts of the Bible that were written by women that just got fully erased.

 

[00:23:38] NICOLE: Oh my God. They’re like, “Martha, fuck off. We don’t like this.”

 

[00:23:44] SASHEER: “We don’t like any stories about women.”

 

[00:23:46] NICOLE: “Wait. What? God said this to me.” “God don’t talk to women. Fuck off, Martha.”

 

[00:23:51] SASHEER: Pretty much. Yeah.

 

[00:23:56] NICOLE: Wild. The world is truly wild, Sasheer. Do you have any fun plans planned, or are you just working, working, working?

 

[00:24:10] SASHEER: Working, working. We’re going to go to Usher this summer, which will be great.

 

[00:24:16] NICOLE: Hell yeah. Dude, I’m so excited. We’re going to go see Usher. We might go to a Cirque du Soleil thing as well. I’m just, like, really excited for Usher. We got good seats. It’s going to be great. Oh my God. Oh, I love that song, Climax. I’m going to be singing along just not knowing any of the words. Also, we’re seeing Beyoncé.

 

[00:24:51] SASHEER: Yes! We finally got tickets. Thank God.

 

[00:24:54] NICOLE: I’m excited.

 

[00:24:55] SASHEER: I feel like we were like, “How do we do this? How can we possibly get there?” And all we do is just buy tickets.

 

[00:25:02] NICOLE: Yeah, literally, I was like, “Sasheer, I’m going to look into it.” So, I just went to beyoncé.com, looked at the tour date, clicked on the tour date, then clicked on ticketmaster.com, bought tickets for the wrong day, and then Ticketmaster makes it very easy to relist that ticket. So, I relisted them at the same price I bought them; I just lose, like, the fees or whatever. But I was like, “I’m not going to try to make money off this.” And then I bought them for the correct day. And they’re pretty decent seats.

 

[00:25:32] SASHEER: Yeah. When you said, “I’m going to look into this,” I thought you were going to, like, ask connects–try to get the hook up.

 

[00:25:40] NICOLE: No. I literally just went to beyoncé.com. I was like, “Ooh, here are some dates.” And then bought them like a regular-ass person.

 

[00:25:52] SASHEER: Yeah, perfect.

 

[00:25:54] NICOLE: Well, the internet says this might be her, like, last tour for a minute. And I was like, “She is getting old. She does have three kids.” I mean, I understand.

 

[00:26:04] SASHEER: Yeah. I can’t imagine wanting to tour a lot with three kids. How old is she? I don’t actually know.

 

[00:26:12] NICOLE: 47.

 

[00:26:18] SASHEER: I think that’s too old.

 

[00:26:20] NICOLE:  43.

 

[00:26:23] SASHEER: That sounds more–

 

[00:26:24] NICOLE: She’s 41?

 

[00:26:25] SASHEER: Okay, 41.

 

[00:26:25] NICOLE: Wow.

 

[00:26:30] SASHEER: Which is also not that old. She definitely has more tours in her. But if she wanted to slow down, I would understand. It’s been actually a while since her last one.

 

[00:26:40] NICOLE: Yeah, that’s why I think it’s going to be a minute before her next.

 

[00:26:42] SASHEER: Yeah, that makes sense.

 

[00:26:44] NICOLE: I need to get a Beyoncé shirt to wear. I like wearing the shirt of the thing I’m going to. I went and saw Fast X. Oh, her birthday is 1980? 1981? That’s so wild. She seems older, and I don’t know why. I think it’s because she’s accomplished so much.

 

[00:27:03] SASHEER: Yeah. And she’s been around forever.

 

[00:27:05] NICOLE: When I went to go see Fast X or Fast and Furious Ten–I don’t know what they’re actually calling it–I wore my Fast and Furious Hello Kitty t-shirt. And I was so happy to be there. I went and saw it the day before its global debut. I don’t know how the theater I went to got it the day before, but I saw it. And I’m here to report it’s a perfect movie. No notes.

 

[00:27:35] SASHEER: I’m sure it is.

 

[00:27:38] NICOLE: It is so good. I had the time of my life. People were popping up all over the place that you’re like, “Wait, what? Aren’t you–? What? How are you here?”

 

[00:27:49] SASHEER: Like cameos?

 

[00:27:49] NICOLE: Well, there’s some people who were thought to be dead who are not dead, which is a theme of the franchise because Han dies allegedly in 3, but then is in 4, 5. He’s in the rest of the franchise because he was a fan favorite. So that’s why the third movie is out of order. I think the third movie happens after 6. It’s very fun. Did you know that?

 

[00:28:17] SASHEER:  I did not know that.

 

[00:28:20] NICOLE: It’s fucking great. And then they based this movie on the best movie in the franchise. I don’t want to give too much away. It’s based on Fast 5, which is the best movie in the franchise. And Jason Momoa is in it. And they put him in Gaucho pants for a lot of the time. And it’s fabulous. Sasheer, I would like to see it with you. I think you’ll have fun.

 

[00:28:43] SASHEER: I would love to see it. The only Fast and Furious movie I’ve seen, which is not actually a Fast and Furious movie, is Hobbs & Shaw. And I had the best time.

 

[00:28:49] NICOLE: You left the theater, and you went, “Wow, that movie was fun as heck.” And I was like, “Fun as heck?” And then we laughed and laughed.

 

[00:28:58] SASHEER: It was fun as heck. I love big, flashy, dumb stuff.

 

[00:29:02] NICOLE: Well, get ready because it is the flashiest and the dumbest. And then, for whatever reason, the costume designer put a lot of the women in white pants. I don’t know. I was like, “Why are all the women in white pants?” Also, Wonder Woman’s in it. No, not Wonder Woman. What’s her name? Captain America? Brie Larson.

 

[00:29:30] SASHEER: Yeah.

 

[00:29:30] NICOLE: And I was like, “Was she in any other ones?” I need to go back and rewatch.

 

[00:29:35] SASHEER: I don’t think so. I think this was her first one.

 

[00:29:39] NICOLE: I’m trying to get into these movies so bad.

 

[00:29:43] SASHEER: They keep expanding the cast. There’s room.

 

[00:29:46] NICOLE: They really do. There is room for me. There is room for me! Let me in, Vin Diesel! But yeah, that was the highlight of my week last week. Or this week. It was great. I loved it. I think you should see it. You should really see it.

 

[00:30:04] SASHEER: I do want to see it.

 

[00:30:06] NICOLE: Okay. Should we do a Shrek quiz?

 

[00:30:20] SASHEER: Oh, yes.

 

[00:30:21] NICOLE: Let’s do a Shrek quiz. I’m very excited about this Shrek quiz. I do love Shrek.

 

[00:30:27] SASHEER: “This friendship quiz will totally expose if you’re good enough to be Shrek’s friend.” Shrek doesn’t even want friends.

 

[00:30:45] NICOLE: No, he doesn’t. But by the end, he learns he does.

 

[00:30:49] SASHEER: That’s right. Lessons. “Have you seen all the Shrek movies?”

 

[00:30:55] NICOLE: “Yes.”

 

[00:30:58] SASHEER: “No.”

 

[00:30:58] NICOLE: “Some of them.”

 

[00:31:00] SASHEER: “Huh? What’s Shrek?”

 

[00:31:02] NICOLE: I don’t want to meet anybody who says, “What’s Shrek?”

 

[00:31:07] SASHEER: Yeah, that is strange. Shrek was such a cultural phenomenon.

 

[00:31:12] NICOLE: Yes. Like, do you live under a fucking rock or are you a loser? How do you not know what Shrek is?

 

[00:31:18] SASHEER: How many movies were there? Just two?

 

[00:31:20] NICOLE: I believe three.

 

[00:31:21] SASHEER: Okay. I definitely have not seen all of them.

 

[00:31:24] NICOLE: I’m pretty sure I’ve seen them all. But I have gaslit myself into thinking I’ve seen all the movies of a franchise that I like. “Shrek the Halls?” Oh, is that a short? Wait, there’s Shrek 5.

 

[00:31:39] SASHEER: What?

 

[00:31:41] NICOLE: So–okay–I have not seen all of them.

 

[00:31:48] SASHEER: Whoa. Yeah, Shrek 2, Shrek the Third, Shrek the Halls, Shrek Forever After, and Shrek Five.

 

[00:31:52] NICOLE:  I missed Shrek Forever After. That’s pretty upsetting for me. Wow. This is a blow. I thought I had seen the whole Shrek franchise.

 

[00:32:05] SASHEER: I wasn’t even aware. Okay, so neither of us have seen all of them.

 

[00:32:09] NICOLE: Yeah, I’ve seen some of them.

 

[00:32:11] SASHEER: I have also seen some of them.

 

[00:32:17] NICOLE: Okay. “If Shrek walked up to you, what would you say?”

 

[00:32:20] SASHEER: “‘Oh my God. Is that Shrek?’”

 

[00:32:24] NICOLE: “‘Hi.’”

 

[00:32:25] SASHEER: “Don’t say anything.”

 

[00:32:30] NICOLE: “‘Huh?’” Again, I don’t want to meet the person who sees Shrek and just goes, “Huh?”

 

[00:32:35] SASHEER: That’s also rude.

 

[00:32:36] NICOLE: Yes. You can’t walk up to anybody and just say, “Huh?” Like, Shrek is green and has big ears. You shouldn’t want to other Shrek. You know what I mean? You got to accept him. I would say “Hi.”

 

[00:32:52] SASHEER: I think I would say, “Oh my God, Is that Shrek?” Even though I know it’s Shrek.

 

[00:32:57] NICOLE: Wait a minute. There is no mistaking. I might not say anything because when I saw one of my favorite Instagram ladies at The Grove, I was just like, “Oh my God, there she is. I can’t believe she’s there.” And I didn’t say anything to her. So, yeah, I might just whisper and not say anything.

 

[00:33:20] SASHEER: “Do you want to be friends with Shrek?”

 

[00:33:24] NICOLE: “Yes!”

 

[00:33:26] SASHEER: “No.”

 

[00:33:27] NICOLE: “Eh.”

 

[00:33:28] SASHEER: “Who is Shrek?”

 

[00:33:30] NICOLE: I hate this fourth person–someone who doesn’t know who Shrek is. I would like to be friends with Shrek because then I can meet Donkey.

 

[00:33:38] SASHEER: You’re just being friends with Shrek to meet Donkey?

 

[00:33:42] NICOLE: I can’t believe that is how you phrased it; that is not how it came out of my mouth.

 

[00:33:45] SASHEER: That’s how you said it.

 

[00:33:46] NICOLE: I cannot believe it.

 

[00:33:47] SASHEER: You’re using Shrek to get to donkey. Shrek is his own entity–his own being. He’s not just Donkey’s friend.

 

[00:33:58] NICOLE: You’re right. You’re right. Shrek is more than just Donkey’s friend. I would like to be friends with Shrek for his own merit.

 

[00:34:08] SASHEER: I don’t want to be friends with Shrek.

 

[00:34:13] NICOLE: Okay.

 

[00:34:14] SASHEER: He’s kind of rude. He’s stinky. And it seems like trouble follows him.

 

[00:34:25] NICOLE: That’s funny.

 

[00:34:26] SASHEER: “What do you think of Donkey?”

 

[00:34:30] NICOLE: “He’s all right.”

 

[00:34:32] SASHEER: “He’s awesome.”

 

[00:34:35] NICOLE: “This is awkward, but I think Shrek would be better off without him.” Ugh.

 

[00:34:40] SASHEER: “Who’s Donkey?”

 

[00:34:43] NICOLE: Ugh, boring. Okay. I think he’s awesome. I want a donkey spinoff.

 

[00:34:49] SASHEER: I’m just surprised there wasn’t a donkey spinoff.

 

[00:34:52] NICOLE: Right? Wild.

 

[00:34:55] SASHEER: I guess I would say “he’s all right.”

 

[00:35:00] NICOLE: Oh my God, Sasheer.

 

[00:35:01] SASHEER: No, wait. “He’s awesome.” “He’s awesome.” I think “he’s awesome.”

 

[00:35:06] NICOLE: Thank you. Thank you.

 

[00:35:10] SASHEER: “If you could choose what color Shrek would be, what would you pick?”

 

[00:35:14] NICOLE: “Red.”

 

[00:35:16] SASHEER: “Orange.”

 

[00:35:17] NICOLE: “Yellow.”

 

[00:35:18] SASHEER: “Still green.”

 

[00:35:20] NICOLE: “Blue.”

 

[00:35:20] SASHEER: “Purple.”

 

[00:35:21] NICOLE: “Other.”

 

[00:35:23] SASHEER: “Rainbow.”

 

[00:35:24] NICOLE: What “other” colors? We named them all! I guess we didn’t name pink. Okay, that’s another. I would say “still green.” I like a green Shrek.

 

[00:35:34] SASHEER: Maybe blue? That could be fun. Like an alien?

 

[00:35:42] NICOLE: Blue Shrek? “How old do you think Shrek is?”

 

[00:35:46] SASHEER: “1 to 10 years.”

 

[00:35:49] NICOLE: “11 to 20.”

 

[00:35:50] SASHEER: “21 to 30.”

 

[00:35:53] NICOLE: “30 to 50.”

 

[00:35:56] SASHEER: “51 or older.”

 

[00:35:58] NICOLE: I think “30 to 50.” “21 to 30” is such a small gap. “11 to 20” is a small gap. “30 to 50” is a large gap.

 

[00:36:09] SASHEER: Very large. Yeah, I think 30 to 50.

 

[00:36:18] NICOLE: Yeah. Same. Judith says, “According to Variety, there is a donkey spinoff.

 

[00:36:29] SASHEER: Oh, well, well, well.

 

[00:36:33] NICOLE: Okay. That’s nice. Wow. Ooh. It’s from April 4th. Hot off the press. Okay. That makes me happy. I’m very excited about this.

 

[00:36:45] SASHEER: So, Shrek 5 and a Donkey spinoff are in the works. Wow.

 

[00:36:52] NICOLE: This is great. Ask and you shall receive. Yes, Lord.

 

[00:36:59] SASHEER: This is what the people need.

 

[00:37:01] NICOLE: This is what the people wanted.

 

[00:37:05] SASHEER: “Would Shrek look good in a hat?”

 

[00:37:07] NICOLE: “Yes.”

 

[00:37:09] SASHEER: “No.”

 

[00:37:10] NICOLE: “I don’t know.”

 

[00:37:11] SASHEER: “Of course.” I was expecting “What’s a hat?” I would say “Yes.”

 

[00:37:28] NICOLE: I’m going to say “No.” The ears.

 

[00:37:30] SASHEER: Oh, yeah.

 

[00:37:32] NICOLE: “Do you know who Shrek is?”

 

[00:37:35] SASHEER: “Yes.”

 

[00:37:37] NICOLE: “No.”

 

[00:37:38] SASHEER: “Obviously yes.”

 

[00:37:38] NICOLE:  This quiz–we need to defund BuzzFeed. I say it almost every week. This is a little wild–this quiz.

 

[00:37:50] SASHEER: “Does Shrek creep you out?”

 

[00:37:51] NICOLE: “Yes.”

 

[00:37:52] SASHEER: “No.”

 

[00:37:53] NICOLE: “Not really.”

 

[00:37:54] SASHEER: “Not sure.”

 

[00:37:56] NICOLE: I’m going to say “No.” Shrek does not creep me out.

 

[00:37:59] SASHEER: I’ll say “Yes.” If I did see Shrek in real life, I’d be like… I don’t know. He’s an ogre. That’s a little scary.

 

[00:38:10] NICOLE: Maybe. I guess. I’m just an adventure person who’s into meeting different types of people.

 

[00:38:20] SASHEER: Not me. I’m close minded.

 

[00:38:26] NICOLE: Okay. “Lastly, how would you rate Shrek?”

 

[00:38:30] SASHEER: “1 out of 10.”

 

[00:38:32] NICOLE: “4 out of 10.”

 

[00:38:33] SASHEER: “6 out of 10.”

 

[00:38:35] NICOLE: “8 out of 10.”

 

[00:38:37] SASHEER: “10 out of 10.”

 

[00:38:38] NICOLE: “Other.” What’s a rating? I would do “10 out of 10.”

 

[00:38:43] SASHEER: I would do “8 out of 10.”

 

[00:38:44] JORDAN: So, this is Nicole.

 

[00:38:49] NICOLE: Yes! “You and Shrek will be friends forever. Welcome to the swamp, baby.” I’m excited.

 

[00:38:54] SASHEER: Wow. I would also be friends! Okay. I feel like I didn’t really give too many positive answers, but…

 

[00:39:02] NICOLE: I don’t think you did either.

 

[00:39:03] SASHEER: “You are friends with Shrek.”

 

[00:39:12] NICOLE: “You are friends with Shrek.”

 

[00:39:18] SASHEER: Great. I’m so glad.

 

[00:39:18] NICOLE: We did it. We’re both friends with Shrek. Should we answer some questions and queries from our friends?

 

[00:39:24] SASHEER: Yes!

 

[00:39:25] NICOLE: Load them up, Jordan. Lay them on us.

 

[00:39:28] SASHEER: Lay it on us.

 

[00:39:30] NICOLE: Lay it on us, baby.

 

[00:39:36] CALLER: Hi, Nicole and Sasheer. I’ve been a fan of you guys for so long. I’ve been listening to this podcast from the beginning. And then I listen to, Nicole, your podcast, Why Won’t You Date Me? I love you guys. Anyways. Moving forward. I’m driving, but I can do this. I have two best friends. We’re like a trio. Whenever we go anywhere, people expect us to all go together. Like, we’re always together. All three of us were at a friend’s wedding. We were on a dance team in college. We were at our friend’s wedding from the dance team. Our one friend got super-duper drunk. She was falling all over the dance floor. She got cut off at the wedding. It was an open bar; she got cut off by the bartenders. And she got onstage with the band, and the band had to get her off stage. So, she just got really drunk. Me and the other friend–we were high not as drunk, and we were trying to take care of her. And she was, like, being a mess. So, then we get on a charter bus to get downtown to go party some more with the wedding party. And she is yelling at us at the bus. We’re just, like, not responding. We kind of just, like, ignore her. And then I leaned over to her, and I tell her, “Hey, I need you to calm down. You are being a lot.” And she calmed down. She literally calmed down. She’s like, “Oh my God. Oh my God. Okay.” And she takes a nap on the bus. It was perfect. We get to the club–the three of us and people from the wedding party. And we’re all having fun dancing, and she is, again, just falling all over the place–super drunk. So, my other friend notices that everyone around us from the wedding party kind of just, like, walk away. Like, they’re just kind of uncomfortable with how drunk she is. And so, my friend–she looks to our drunk friend, and she says, “Hey, you’re making everyone uncomfortable. People are starting to get embarrassed.” Now, I did not hear her saying this, but then she says this, our friend basically flips out. She runs away to the bar. We go find her. I’m still so confused about what’s happening at this point. And then our friend is like, “Hey, let’s talk about this.” But in front of everyone, she’s like, “Fuck you guys! How dare you say that I’m embarrassing to you? Like, how dare you? I would never say that to you guys. I would never say that.” I’m still confused. I’m like, “No one ever said that we’re embarrassed by you.” Our friend is like, “We’re not embarrassed by you. But you’re just making people feel awkward and weird.” She gets so mad. She’s yelling at us in the club. The bouncers come over and are like, “You guys need to leave.” And so, then she leaves. She goes downtown by herself. Me and the other friend get an Uber to her place to basically be there when she gets home. She gets back to her place. We’re there. We’re like, “Hey, let’s talk about this. We weren’t saying that we were embarrassed by you. We’re letting you know other people are uncomfortable by how drunk you are.” And she would not hear it. She’s just, like, throwing a fit, cursing at us, saying, “Fuck you. Get the fuck out of my house.” She is just yelling at us, belligerent. And, we’re trying to keep our composure, but eventually I get pissed off because you’re only going to yell at me for so long before I yell at you back. So, then it’s just, like, all-out war basically. I don’t know what to do with her. Cut to the end of the night. We resolve it. At least, I think we resolve it. We’re basically friends again. Two days later, she texts us. She’s like, “I need space from you guys. I can’t believe that you said that you were embarrassed by me. I need space from you.” And my question is, are me and my friend in the wrong for what was said? I did not say what was said. I guess I cosigned what was said. And maybe I shouldn’t have because I didn’t really hear what she said. But I don’t know. If you were that drunk, that belligerent, and that messed up, and then you proceed to yell at us, tell us to fuck off, and we’re supposed to your two best friends… I don’t think that we deserve that. And I don’t know if us saying that other people are uncomfortable, other people are embarrassed– I feel like I’m being punished for being a good friend and telling it how it is. What would you do? Okay. I’m sorry about this. Thank you. Let me know! Love you guys.

 

[00:45:10] SASHEER: I think it’s hard to use logic when dealing with a belligerently drunk person. No, what you were saying wasn’t too harsh. But also, she was gone. She wasn’t in a place to accept critique. She was gone at the wedding. Like, really the next move should have been to put her in a car to go home instead of bringing her to a second location where she could get even more drunk. Not to be like, “This is what should have happened.” But, like, how could you expect anything different to happen when she already showed you how drunk she was at the wedding? And now you’re at a club and she’s still drunk/getting more drunk. So, it sucks that she got that drunk. The caller didn’t describe if this is a habit–if she the person gets that drunk all the time or if this is a new thing or a one type of occasion kind of thing. But either way, like, if you’re arguing with a drunk person, you should know it’s not going to go well. It’s not going to be like, “You know what? I understand.” They’re going to still be drunk and rowdy. So, the best thing to do is kind of just, like, walk away and let them sleep it off. And hopefully have a coherent conversation the next day. But yeah, you can’t really expect a logical outcome when a person is being in an illogical state when they’re not of clear mind.

 

[00:46:55] NICOLE: I feel like then sober you could be like, “Sometimes drunk people are embarrassing or whatever. You were being just, like, a little unruly. But that’s just one night. And I’m not sure why you’re so upset that we said that because that’s what happens when people get a little too drunk.” I also agree with you, Sasheer, that, like, if you could time travel, it’s like, “Just send her home.” Just say, “Hey, friend. You got to get home. You got to get to bed.” And I do think it’s really sweet that you went to her house to make sure she got home okay.

 

[00:47:28] SASHEER: Yeah, that is nice.

 

[00:47:29] NICOLE: I don’t know. I wonder if drunk friend has more things going on?

 

[00:47:38] SASHEER: Yeah. Something got triggered when you said that she’s being embarrassing. She really latched on to it. I guess you didn’t say she was being embarrassed. You’re saying people are uncomfortable. But she latched on to the embarrassing aspect of that and to the point where she remembered it after the fact. So, like, it does seem like there’s something in there that doesn’t have anything to do with you two. Also, she probably wants to take space because she’s embarrassed, too.

 

[00:48:10] NICOLE: Yeah, that also might be a thing. Sometimes, you know, I’ve gotten drunk, and I have said things and I’m like, “You know what? Maybe I won’t talk to that person for a little bit. It was a little weird. It got a little weird.” So, yeah, maybe taking some space is a good thing. And then you hit her up a couple of weeks from now or a week from now and be like, “Hey, how are you feeling? Are you still feeling upset?” Or actually, I don’t know. Maybe you just, like, hit her up like, “Let’s hang out,” and then let her bring up if she’s still feeling some type of way.

 

[00:48:37] SASHEER: Yeah, but I wouldn’t look at her saying, “I want to take some space” as punishment to you guys because she might actually need some space to work out whatever’s happening. And maybe you could just be like, “Okay, we’re here if you need us. Best. Be well.”

 

[00:48:59] NICOLE: “Best of luck! Be well.” Yeah, I agree. I think that’s pretty solid.

 

[00:49:06] SASHEER: But yeah, don’t fight with drunk people. It’s best to walk away. It’s never going to go the way you want.

 

[00:49:12] NICOLE: Just walk away and say, “I’ll talk to you tomorrow when you’re not drunk.”

 

[00:49:17] SASHEER: Yeah.

 

[00:49:19] NICOLE: Solved!

 

[00:49:20] SASHEER: Solved! I want to know what the bride and groom or the people who got married think about this person getting on their stage at the reception. My goodness.

 

[00:49:31] NICOLE: Yeah, that’s pretty wild. That’s very wild. I’d be like, “You must leave. You are banished from the wedding.”

 

[00:49:39] SASHEER: Yeah. I can’t believe those people weren’t just like, “Go home.”

 

[00:49:46] NICOLE: Yeah, that’s pretty wild.

 

[00:49:47] SASHEER: Yeah.

 

[00:49:49] NICOLE: Let’s do another one.

 

[00:49:50] SASHEER: Yeah.

 

[00:49:52] NICOLE: “Okay. Hi, Kimmie, Jordan, Nicole and Sasheer. I’m an interior decorator. During the most recent podcast, I was super excited to hear about Nicole’s guest room renovation.” There’s no renovation, I just painted. “I have a tape recording regarding the lime wash.” I didn’t do lime wash. “A lot of locations you see online have Venetian plaster texture with the lime wash applied over it. This allows for more of a brush texture to show and create the more impactful finished product. From my experience, this looks way better. All the best. Thank you.” I painted. I did bad. Maybe someone will fix it; I don’t know.

 

[00:50:31] SASHEER: And maybe you could do a lime watch over it.

 

[00:50:34] NICOLE: Oh, maybe I could. Maybe there is still hope for me. Did I tell you I painted the door, and I ran out of paint and just left it? I’m thriving, honey.

 

[00:50:50] SASHEER: You’re painting everything.

 

[00:50:51] NICOLE: Listen, I want my walls colored.

 

[00:51:01] SASHEER: We don’t call them “colored” anymore. We call them “walls of color.”

 

[00:51:11] NICOLE: I really want some walls of color in my home. I’m trying to diversify my space. And, you know, I have an inclusion incentive to diversify my space. That’s what I’ve been getting into. Yeah, man.

 

[00:51:31] SASHEER: If you have any questions, queries, or concerns, email us at nicoleandsasheer@gmail.com. Or you can leave a voicemail, a voice memo, or a text at 424-645-7003.

 

[00:51:46] NICOLE: Podswag.com/bestfriends has merch.

 

[00:51:50] SASHEER: We also have transcripts for our new episodes. You can get them at our show page at earwolf.com.

 

[00:51:59] NICOLE: The easiest way to support the show? Lastly, don’t forget to rate, review, and subscribe.

 

[00:52:04] SASHEER: Oh, look at you.

 

[00:52:08] NICOLE:  Gotta keep it interesting.

 

[00:52:10] SASHEER: You gotta. Well, goodbye, Nicole.

 

[00:52:16] NICOLE: Well, goodbye, Sasheer.

 

[00:52:17] SASHEER: Ta-ta!

 

[00:52:20] NICOLE: Ta-hoo-hoo. No one in the history of goodbyes has ever said, “Ta-hoo-hoo.”

 

[00:52:27] SASHEER: Ta-hoo-hoo.

 

[00:52:30] NICOLE: But I think I’m going to start. Ta-hoo-hoo. People will be like, “Are you okay?” No. She’s not.

 

[00:52:38] SASHEER: Bye.

 

[00:52:39] NICOLE: Goodbye.