EP. 230 — Sasheer Enjoys Corn Dogs

NICOLE: Hello, Sasheer.

SASHEER: Hello, Nicole.

NICOLE: Boy, oh, boy, isn’t this a glorious day in sunny Los Angeles, California?

SASHEER: Yeah, I am cold in my house.

NICOLE:  I’m a little chilled too, but I like it.

SASHEER: Yeah, it is nice, but yesterday was confusing because it was cloudy and I was like, “Oh, I guess this is the day. I’m not going to get out of bed because where’s the sun? Oh, it’s not coming out today.”

NICOLE: Sasheer, same thoughts. I had a singing lesson, I looked outside, and I was like, “Ugh, I’m just not feeling it today.” And Doug is so wonderful and, like, gracious and holds space. I was like, “I’m not feeling the greatest today. Can we reschedule?” And he was like, “Of course! Take time. Take care of yourself.” He’s just so sweet. He’s a sweet boy. Boy, oh, boy. I’m really enjoying my singing journey, except… I’m pretty okay at hitting the notes when I’m with him. And then I have a keyboard at home. And I’ll do-doop-boo-doop on the keyboard, and I can’t hit those notes.

SASHEER: Oh, interesting.

NICOLE: It’s weird!

SASHEER: Is it because he’s, like, giving you a technique in the room that you are, like, not doing at home?

NICOLE: I think it’s mimicking because he’ll sing first and then I’ll sing and then I’ll match it. But when I have nothing to match, I get a little confused.

SASHEER: Have you recorded your voice sessions when you’re at Doug’s? And then you could play them when you’re home.

NICOLE: No, I haven’t done that yet. I think I need to get a little bit more comfortable with the fact that I’m singing. Like, I already don’t like my voice. And I’ve been told it’s a great voice, but every time I listen to a recording of it, I’m like, “Oh, yuck.”

SASHEER: I think that’s how most people feel about their voice. They’re like, “That’s what I sound like? Who is that?”

NICOLE: I like my voice when I do characters. Like, there’s this one character in Big City Greens that I do named Andromeda. And I love her. And I love the voice. And I love the animation. And it truly brings me joy. But the normal voice? Ew!

SASHEER: No! It’s good!

NICOLE: Oh! Thank you, Sasheer. That’s nice.

SASHEER: And I heard you singing during karaoke recently, and you’re in some real high notes–belting.

NICOLE: Thank you. It’s the one thing I’m embarrassed to do. Like, I’ll eat things off the street. I will scream. I’ll do dolphin noises.

SASHEER: You’ll eat things off the street?

NICOLE: Listen, food is food. We can’t be picky about where food comes from. It comes from the ground. Like, Tawny was singing Mariah Carey and was doing well. And you were singing… I can’t remember what you sang, but you were killing it. I always get really, like, in my head when my friends can sing. And I’m like, “Oh no, I’m going to be the worst one!”

SASHEER: But it’s not like we were judging you.

NICOLE: Yes, you are. People inherently judge. Just because we’re friends doesn’t mean you go, “Ooh, that was a crunchy note.”

SASHEER: Sure, I guess so. But we just texted each other separately.

NICOLE: Don’t do that. Oh, Lord. You want me to think about that for the rest of my day? You want me to go to sleep and go, “Did they?” Were they texting about my greatest insecurity? My friends?”

SASHEER: I was just kidding. It was a joke.

NICOLE: I know you were, but… You really want to send me on a spiral on this sunny day in California?

SASHEER: I really don’t want to send you on a spiral during this sunny day?

NICOLE: She’s twisting and turning. It’s a spiral!

SASHEER: No! I was just kidding! There’s no separate texts! I promise!

NICOLE: Okay. Okay. Wow. Sasheer. That was…

SASHEER: Has anyone ever, like, tried to gossip with you about me?

NICOLE: Yes.

SASHEER: Really?

NICOLE: Yes. I won’t tell you who because you know them. And they said something to me, and I responded with “I think you’re just gonna have to ask her about it because I don’t really have all the details.” Well, of course I had all of the details. I had so many details! I know most about your life. Yeah, it’s happened a couple times, where I’m like, “I don’t know. That’s not my thing to really speak on. I don’t really know.” Has anyone tried to gossip about me?

SASHEER: I don’t think so.

NICOLE: I’m not important. Okay.

SASHEER: Well, also, I think people go to you for gossip. I don’t think people come to me for gossip. I don’t think people think I know things. And I don’t. I don’t think they think I’m one to gossip. I do, like, enjoy it. But I don’t think I’m ever starting it. So maybe people aren’t like, “Ooh, here’s the tea,” or like, “Can I get some tea from you?” because I rarely have it.

NICOLE: Has anyone ever talked shit about me? Like, in front of you?

SASHEER: No. Definitely not. I’ve never heard any bad words about you. People love you.

NICOLE: Listen, sometimes I don’t know about that.

SASHEER: It’s true though.

NICOLE: Oh, that’s really nice to hear today. On Thursday. If I heard it on a Sunday, I’d be mad.

SASHEER: Has anyone tried to shit-talk me?

NICOLE: No. People love you and respect you. You’re very well respected. People are always like, “God. She’s so wonderful and beautiful and funny.” And I’m like, “I know. And I get to talk to her on the reg. Are you jealous? Are you jealous, you stupid bitches?” Everyone’s like, “Whoa. Don’t call us stupid.” And I’m like, “You are dumb. You’re not our friend.”

SASHEER: I mean, people do say that. They’re like, “She keeps calling us dumb. What is that about?” I’m like, “I don’t know. You have to ask her.”

NICOLE: We did something out of our comfort zone. We went to a haunted hayride.

SASHEER: We did go to a haunted hayride.

NICOLE: It was fun.

SASHEER: It was fun. It was scary.

NICOLE: It was very scary.  I screamed several times. A man came out of the fog with a chainsaw, and that image really stuck with me. Imagine that’s the final thing you see before you die. You’re going to heaven rattled.

SASHEER: You’re at the gates like, “Oh, my gosh. Where am I?”

NICOLE: And you’re checking in like, “I don’t know if you know what happened to me…” Like you would just be that annoying person being like, “It was so traumatic.” And then Tupac’s like, “Shut up.”

SASHEER: “Imagine what I’ve been through.” Yeah, I did really enjoy it. And I don’t usually voluntarily do scary things, but it felt very festive. And I had a corn dog that was mostly corn, and it filled me up very fast. And I had lemonade. I’m just listing the things I had.

NICOLE: Not to interrupt you, but we were on line to get this corn dog, and out of nowhere Sasheer turned around and went, “Well, I guess I’ll have to get two corn dogs!” And I was like, “As opposed to what? And what was this sudden choice?”

SASHEER: It wasn’t out of nowhere because we were looking at a menu. And I was like, “There’s no French fries? I really want French fries.” And then I was like, “Guess I’ll have to get two corn dogs.” Otherwise, I would have gotten one corn dog and French fries. But there were French fries at a different stand. I just didn’t want to change my mind about the decision I made of getting two corn dogs.

NICOLE: And then I came back with French fries, and I shared them with you.

SASHEER: Yeah, I’m glad you did. They were tasty, too.

NICOLE: They were good French fries. Also, I got a funnel cake. I love funnel cake. And I waited. I said, “I ate too many French fries and a little slider. I gotta wait to eat this funnel cake.” And then I got the funnel cake. And it wasn’t fried. It wasn’t golden. It was like a dark yellow. But it wasn’t like a golden, crispy, yummy thing. And I was kind of devastated.

SASHEER: That’s devastating.

NICOLE: I know. And then we sat on a hay thing. And we were waiting for our friends who had already left.

SASHEER: Yes. There were three haunted houses. And we were like, “We can’t do the last one.” And then they went into the last one. And then we’re just chilling outside for a long time, and they’re like, “See you at the bus?” And I was like, “Oh, my God. Where were you guys?” We were just sitting outside. We thought we were outside.

NICOLE: Yeah, I don’t know. I still don’t know where they came out of. Boy, oh boy.

SASHEER: Also, it was the fastest haunted house ever. Just, like, two rooms.

NICOLE: I think it’s because it was closing and there weren’t a lot of people. So, it was like, “Get in, get out!” But it reminded me of the time I got lost in Universal Studios Florida. I had to plan my friend’s bachelorette. She loves Harry Potter. And I was like, “We’ll go to Harry Potter World” because she was getting married in Florida. And we went to this male revue, which was wild. There was literally us and two other people there. It was very funny. But anyway, at Universal, my phone wasn’t charging. And I was, I think, in a zone where I was like, “I simply can’t spend money on something I need. I instead will spend money going to Universal Studios with my friends. But I was like, “My phone’s dying–it’s dead.” And then everyone’s like, “Okay, we’re gonna ride the Harry Potter ride.” And I was like, “Great, I’ll just sit by the ride.” And to me, I sat at a great spot. But when my friend, Evan, found me, he was like, “You’re sitting literally behind the ride. We were walking for 45 minutes trying to find you.” And I was like, “Dee dee doo doo doo.” And I wrote my little Harry Potter joke. And I was like, “I’m getting work done.” And then everyone was frantically looking for me.

SASHEER: Why weren’t they calling you?

NICOLE: My phone was off because it wasn’t charging. So, it was like, “That’s a wrap!”

SASHEER: Oh, damn.

NICOLE: Yeah.

SASHEER: That’s scary.

NICOLE: It is a little scary to get lost in Universal Studios–or at least to be thought of lost. I knew where I was.

SASHEER: “I didn’t feel lost.”

NICOLE: I didn’t feel lost whatsoever. I was having a nice time by myself.

SASHEER: That’s very funny. And it’s a weird feeling when people are like, “I was worried about you! I didn’t know where you were” and you’re like, “Oh, I just, um… I was fine. I was chilling.”

NICOLE: I mean, me and a friend thought you were lost at one point. And they called me. And then I said, “Go. Go to where the show was” because I was in a different state. And it’s wild that we did that because you are an adult woman who knew exactly where you were.

SASHEER: Yeah. Yep. I was like, “I said where I was going to go. I was at a show.” And then I guess I didn’t say I was gonna hang out after. I don’t know.

NICOLE: Fun time! I’m obsessed with this outfit that you wore last night, and I keep thinking about it. It’s so cute because it reminds me of this jumpsuit I had as a kid. And yours is, like, red and, like, magenta flowers. And the one I had was black based with purple and magenta and blue flowers. And I have been on a quest to try to find it. It’s been hard. It’s hard to find vintage things. I wish I had a person who could just sew me exactly what I want.

SASHEER: Yeah. I’m sure you could find it.

NICOLE: You think?

SASHEER: I don’t know, actually. Who does that? It’s not a tailor. No. Who just sews things free?

NICOLE: Yeah. Who just sews stuff for you? There should be a company where you submit exactly what you want, and then they send it to you.

SASHEER: That would be so nice.

NICOLE:  Because I am dying for a denim short set with a matching vest in, like, a floral print denim or a striped denim–very ’80s, ’90s feel. And they’re very hard to find in the plus size.

JUDITH: And a seamstress and a tailor–they can sew things for you and adjust things for you.

SASHEER: But can they create a whole new thing?

NICOLE: Yeah, like source the fabric, make me an outfit, send it to my home.

JORDAN:  I’ll reach out to a friend. Her and my sister worked at Puma together, and she was the one who told me– I was like, “Oh, your jeans fit great.” She’s like, “Every jean I have… I know the people, and they fix the jeans.” And I was like, “Wow.” So, I’ll reach out to her and get that information for you, Nicole. And I believe they do it–all shapes and sizes. But it’s all denim specific.

NICOLE: But will they supply the denim fabric?

JORDAN: We could check. We could check.

NICOLE: Okay. This is great. Thank you so much!

SASHEER: Hell, yeah!

NICOLE: As if I need more clothes.

SASHEER: Yeah. I just donated a ton of stuff to St. Vincent de Paul. And while I was there, I was like, “Well, I should look just to see what else is here.” And of course, there’s a chair room. And I was like, “Oh, man…”

NICOLE: Did you get any more chairs?

SASHEER: No, I didn’t get any more chairs, but I did find two really cute chairs. And I was like, “They just need to be reupholstered on the seat. But where would I put them? I’m trying to get rid of stuff.”

NICOLE: Well, here’s the thing. Look around your house and go, “Do I like this chair?” because you can get rid of the chair and bring in a new chair.

SASHEER: Well, here’s the thing. I’m trying to get rid of a chair just so I can move another chair. There’s a chair in a place that I don’t want it. And then that’s just displaced another chair in a place that I don’t want it.

NICOLE: “Displaced!” You have chair refugees around your house. Chairs with no home.

SASHEER: They really are. And so, I have one chair that I was like, “I don’t want you. But as soon as you leave, then the other chair can go in that place. And then the chair that’s been displaced can go back to where it belongs.”

NICOLE: Boy, oh, boy. I also need to stop looking at furniture online because they just keep making great furniture that I’m like, “Ooh, this is nice.”

SASHEER: I guess maybe you could do… I mean, well, actually, I have no idea how involved it is. But I was going to say maybe you can do the renting furniture program. I don’t know how to say that. I know there’s Rent-A-Center, right? Or, like, places where you can rent furniture. It might not be cute. I have not looked at the website. But I feel like there should be a cute, rentable furniture place, where they’ll come deliver something and they’ll take it away from you and they’ll replace it with something cute. And that would be really nice.

NICOLE: It would be nice because I follow a couple of Instagrams where people are like, “You know, I had my room like this for two years, and I fully, completely changed it.” And sometimes I’m like, “I would like to do that.” But I don’t think so. I don’t think that’s for me. I think that’s a little too much. But I am painting a lot in my house. Every room is now a color.

SASHEER: Yeah.

NICOLE: And it feels good.

SASHEER: Yeah. Change is good.

NICOLE: I’m trying to learn that through therapy–that change is good and change is okay.

SASHEER: Change is okay. Should we do a quiz?

NICOLE: No!

SASHEER: Okay. Did you have something else to say?

NICOLE: No. I was hoping you had something else to say.

SASHEER: Well, you opened your mouth like you had to say.

NICOLE: Oh, my golly. Okay. Oh, wait. I want to talk about this man on Instagram. I think everybody needs to follow him. Hold on. Let me find out his name real quick. He does reviews, and he is the most earnest person I have ever seen. And he is lukefoods_. And he went to Red Lobster–I really like this one–for $22 endless shrimp. And he, like, rates them. He gives them things like a zero, a two… He ate cake at Golden Corral, and he was like, “This is funky. I give it a one.” And I genuinely love him so much.

SASHEER: Yeah, I love how earnest he is. I love that he has, like, a genuine opinion and he’s not just trying to be like, “Yeah, it’s fine.” He’s like, “This is disgusting!”

NICOLE: “This is nasty!” He used a word that I can’t– I think it was, like, grody or something, I don’t know. It was just so funny to me. I kind of want to go somewhere with him and rate food.

SASHEER: I’m sure he would love that.

NICOLE: Oh, it would be so wonderful–doing endless shrimp with my new friend Luke. Oh, my word. I guess now we can do a quiz. Oh, there he is! There’s my friend, Luke! Wow. He has half a million followers.

SASHEER: The word’s out.

NICOLE: I guess everybody knows him.

SASHEER: “Pick a Food for Every Cuisine and I’ll Tell You Which Fall Scent You Embody.”

NICOLE: Okay, let’s do that.

SASHEER: Yeah.

NICOLE: BuzzFeed! Coming together! BuzzFeed!

SASHEER: How many fall scents are there? I feel like it’s mostly pumpkin spice.

NICOLE: Yeah. Pumpkin spice, leaves…

SASHEER: Leaves? As a fall scent?

NICOLE: Yeah. You’ve never gone outside and put your little nostrils in a bunch of leaves.

SASHEER: I haven’t. I guess I was thinking of scents that are made into, like, candles or…

JUDITH: Like cinnamon?

SASHEER: Yeah. Like cinnamon.

NICOLE: You’ve never lit up a leaf candle?

SASHEER: I sure haven’t.

NICOLE: You know what? Me either.

JORDAN: I have a leaf candle.

NICOLE: You do?

JORDAN: I do.

SASHEER: Oh!

NICOLE: Well, look at me. I’m not an idiot. I’m right here, knowing what fall scents are.

SASHEER: My mistake. I take it back.

JORDAN: It’s just silly Yankee Candle just making up names. They all smell the same to me. But it’s all like, “Fall leaves,” or “Fall trees.” I don’t know.

NICOLE: Well, I’m going to tell you a candle that you need to get the fuck up into. I don’t know if I’ve talked about it on this podcast, but Sasheer’s mother gave her a candle.

SASHEER: My dad.

NICOLE: Oh, your dad. I don’t think you’re into scented candles. Are you a candle girl?

SASHEER: I’m not a candle girl. I think I’m liking them a little bit more, but I’m still not… I prefer incense.

NICOLE: Well, I like incense. And I love a candle. And it’s Gingham Gorgeous. And they don’t sell it anymore. And I’ve been having a real hard time finding dupes. So, then I just went onto resale sites, and I bought ten of them. And then I threw out all of my other candles because I was like, “This is the one for me.”

SASHEER: “This is the new me!”

NICOLE: “This is who I am. I am Gingham Gorgeous.” And I was explaining this to my therapist, and she was like, “You have ADD so badly. You hyperfixate on something that you like. And then you’re like, “I have to have it. I have to have more of it.” And then, like, another thing I do is when I find, like, a pair of jeans I like, I will wear them. They will be dirty, and then I will forget that I have two other pairs because they’re also dirty. And then I’ll buy another pair. So, I have another pair, but now I have four pairs of the same pants. It’s literally exhausting.

SASHEER: But then do any of them ever get clean?

NICOLE: Oh yeah, I’ll wash them. Don’t worry about me. I’ll wash them. Also, I keep leaving my car keys in my car, and it’s really upsetting because when I valet, I take it off my giant key ring because I’ve had valet people complain about how big my keychain is. So, then I’ll take it off. But then it has to find its way back on. But then I have to leave the valet stand because it’s busy. And then I’ll put it in the cupholder and then I’ll go inside my house and then I’ll leave the next day and I’ll go, “I don’t know where my car key is.” And then I’ll get in my car and go, “Someone could have really zoom-zoomed away. I gave it to them.”

SASHEER: Maybe you can put your car key on, like, one of those carabiners–one of those clips, so you could just, like, quickly put it under your keychain as opposed to, like, the loopy thing.

NICOLE: Here’s something sad. It is on a carabiner. So, then I still forget to put it on. It’s an illness. It’s sick.

SASHEER: Because that’s so fast. I understand that you have to get out of the valet section, but that takes a second, no?

NICOLE: Yeah, it does take a second every time I get in my car and go, “Oh, here’s my key.” I guess it also would be helpful if I locked my car door. But I don’t because… Okay, here’s the thing. If I lock the car, then I have to dig into my purse to get the keys to unlock the car. And if you don’t lock your car, you can skip that step.

SASHEER: Okay, how about this. What about if you get in your car, they hand you the key from the valet, put it in your bra? And then when you get inside of the house, eventually it’ll come out.

NICOLE: Yes, but probably upstairs. And then I’ll leave the key upstairs and then get my car and then go, “I don’t know where my key is.” It’s terrible. Oh, my God, Sasheer. I told you about this man who tried to get into my car? I mean, I had a bad reaction. I was like, “Huh. That’s wild.” And then later I was like, “No, no, that was actually scary.”

SASHEER: That’s scary. Yeah. He just, like, walked to the car and tried to open it?

NICOLE: And I’m not an Uber. I have a two-door car. And then I roll down the window, and I was like, “Yes?” And he just went, “Sorry,” and then faded away into the darkness.

SASHEER: I don’t like that.

NICOLE: I don’t like it either. But my new rule is when I’m in the car, we lock the doors. When I’m out of the car, you can have it. And something was stolen from my car once–my sunglasses. They were designer, thank you. But they were prescription. And I was like, “I mean, if you really need to see wobble, wobble vision–because I have very bad vision–if you want to not see clearly, you can have them.”

SASHEER: It was just the sunglasses?

NICOLE: Sure was. They left my stripper shoes. They left my basketball. They left my roller skates. They left my blanket.

SASHEER: They’re like, “This girl likes to have fun. But I will take these sunnies.”

NICOLE: “I will take this.” All right, let’s pick a food for every cuisine, and then BuzzFeed will tell us which fall scent we embody.

SASHEER: “Pick an American food.”

NICOLE: “Brownies.”

SASHEER: “Apple pie.”

NICOLE: “Hamburger.” Well, that’s a cheeseburger.

SASHEER: With bacon.

NICOLE:  That’s a bacon cheeseburger.

SASHEER: “Macaroni and cheese.”

NICOLE: “French–” No. “Chicken tenders.”

SASHEER: What was that based off of? The word definitely doesn’t look like “French fries.”

NICOLE: They also don’t look like French fries. Listen, I think what happens is sometimes my mouth is moving faster than what my brain is taking in.

SASHEER: Okay. Okay.

NICOLE: I told you I was mentally ill not five minutes ago.

SASHEER: You did say that. “Hot dog.”

NICOLE: Okay, this is wild because I have to choose between dessert and bar food?

SASHEER: Wait, which one was the dessert? Oh.

NICOLE: The brownies and the apple pie, my friend.

SASHEER: Yeah, that’s very strange. Yeah, well, what kind of mood am I in? What part of the meal is this?

NICOLE: Yeah! Are brownies strictly American?

SASHEER: Interesting. Um. Yeah, I’ve no idea. I would imagine brownies are in other places, but I guess I don’t know.

NICOLE: I don’t know. Are they picking up baguettes and brownies? Are they picking up empanadas and brownies? Are they…?

SASHEER: What else? What else?

NICOLE: Are they picking up lasagna and brownies?

SASHEER: Dumplings and brownies?

NICOLE: Sushi and brownies. I think I’m going to have to go with a burger.

SASHEER: I’m gonna do a hot dog.

NICOLE: Well, I think we all knew that was coming. I really do love how much you love hot dogs.

SASHEER: Yeah. So, I downloaded this app called Fig. And you can put in your food specifications, like if you’re gluten free or if you can’t have certain chemicals or whatever. And all beef hot dogs are okay.

NICOLE: That’s great!

SASHEER: Yes. Thank you so much.

NICOLE: I’m really excited for you.

SASHEER: Thank you so much.

NICOLE: I know how hard it was when you were like, “I can’t have hot dogs anymore.”

SASHEER: Yeah, it was really, really hard. I think as long as it’s, like, nitrate free and just meat–actual meat–I think it’s okay.

NICOLE: Yeah. Not bullshit. Have you ever tried to make a hot dog?

SASHEER: Whoa. I wouldn’t even know where to start.

NICOLE: Me either.

SASHEER: I have no idea because you have to case it?

NICOLE: Oh, yeah, I guess you’d have to grind it–case it. And we don’t have that equipment.

SASHEER: Or the time.

NICOLE: No, sirree. Okay.

SASHEER: “How about something from Mexico?”

NICOLE: “Burrito.”

SASHEER: Ooh, “Elote.”

NICOLE: “Enchiladas.”

SASHEER: “Tamales.”

NICOLE: “Quesadilla.”

SASHEER: “Tacos.”

NICOLE: Oh, I fucking love a quesadilla.

SASHEER: Is that your choice?

NICOLE: Mmhmm.

SASHEER: I’m going to say elote. I love elote.

NICOLE: What’s elote? Is that corn?

SASHEER: It’s corn. Yeah. With, like, seasonings and cheese and stuff.

NICOLE: I’m not a huge corn head just because, like, I just see it in the toilet later, and it’s upsetting. Do you know what I mean?

SASHEER: That is upsetting. Yes.

NICOLE: It’s like, “Oh, God! Whole kernels?” “Italian food, anyone?”

SASHEER: “Pizza.”

NICOLE: “Calzone.”

SASHEER: “Lasagna.”

NICOLE: “Gelato.”

SASHEER: “Minestrone soup.”

NICOLE: “Meatballs.” I was doing that to our friend Julia, and she was like, “Nicole, you can’t… What if I talk to you in a Blaccent?” And I was like, “Oh, I guess I’d be upset.” She’s like, “What if I did an Asian accent?” I was like, “Oh, I guess we’d all be upset.” And she’s like, “So don’t do an Italian accent.” And then me and Will were like, “But why?”

SASHEER: “Mamma mia.”

NICOLE: “Mamma mia, you can’t tell me not to do it.” I can’t remember who I was talking to, but they were like, “Italian accents is the last accent you can, like, make fun of.”

SASHEER: Yeah. Yeah, I guess, because–I don’t know–I’ve never heard anyone really get mad about it except for the story you’re describing.

NICOLE: Let’s see…

SASHEER: I feel like I gotta do pizza. Yeah. Pizza.

NICOLE: I think I have to do lasagna. I fucking love lasagna. Call me Garfield. “Care for some French cuisine?” I guess you could do a French accent, too.

SASHEER: “Crepes.”

NICOLE: “A quiche.”

SASHEER: “French–” No, I’m not good at this.

NICOLE: Yes! You gotta commit! Come on. You can do it. This is a safe space. It’s only me listening and Judith and Jordan.

SASHEER: Are you sure no one else is listening?

NICOLE: No one else will hear you do this.

SASHEER: Okay. “A French onion soup!”

NICOLE: The way your whole body jiggled with that was incredible. “Cream puffs!”

SASHEER: “Chocolate soufflé!”

NICOLE: “Apple tart!” That brought me joy. Oh, my God. I do love a quiche–an eggy treat. But I also love a souffle–a chocolate treat. What are you going to go with?

SASHEER: I think a cream puff.

NICOLE: Oh, look at you, you little slut.

SASHEER: Oh no.

NICOLE:  I think I’m going to go quiche.

SASHEER: “Japanese food?”

NICOLE: This one we can’t do in an accent. “Udon.”

SASHEER: “Tempura.”

NICOLE: “Miso soup.”

SASHEER: “Nigiri.”

NICOLE: “Mochi.”

SASHEER: “Tofu.”

NICOLE: I’m really, like, a new tofu person. I didn’t really love tofu, but I had tofu the other day and I was like, “This is great.”

SASHEER: Oh, nice!

NICOLE: Yeah.

SASHEER: Are you going to say tofu? I’m going to say mochi.

NICOLE: Oh! Mochi is, like, a little too chewy for me.

SASHEER: I think that’s why I like it because it’s like cold ice cream. But it has, like, a gummy exterior that I can bite into. And it doesn’t hurt.

NICOLE: Oh. Are you the person who chews ice cream?

SASHEER: No, but it’s just so, like, loose and cold.

NICOLE: Oh. But ice cream is loose.

SASHEER: But mochi is encased. Mochi’s got, like, a boundary, so I can do it.

NICOLE: I like that your issue with ice cream is that it’s loose.

SASHEER: It’s just too loose.

NICOLE: A description nobody has ever heard about ice cream.

SASHEER: I don’t think I describe ice cream well.

NICOLE: I don’t think you do either; it’s very funny.

SASHEER: One time I called it “thin.” No, I was talking about gelato. I was like, “It’s thinner than ice cream.”

NICOLE: Which is not true. I think it’s thicker than ice cream.

SASHEER: Well, I don’t know.

NICOLE: It’s a good memory. I laughed so hard that night. I laughed hard last night, too.

SASHEER: Yeah. Me too. Last night was fun.

NICOLE: That was very fun.

SASHEER: “Pick a Chinese food item.” “Chow mein.”

NICOLE: “Peking roast duck.”

SASHEER: “Wonton soup.”

NICOLE: “Spring rolls.”

SASHEER: “Sticky rice.”

NICOLE: “Potstickers.” I really like pork fried rice and I’m kind of upset it’s not there.

SASHEER: So sorry.

NICOLE: It’s okay. I think I want to pick chow mein because I love a noodie. Oh, no, I’m gonna pick potstickers because I love meat encased.

SASHEER: I’m going to pick wonton soup because it’s, like, nice and warm. I like the warm soup aspect of it, but I like that I’m also chewing a meal.

NICOLE: That’s great. “I like that I’m chewing a meal.” For someone who loves food, the way you describe it is wild.

SASHEER: I need to do food reviews.

NICOLE: “This is great because you get to chew this.”

SASHEER: “Lastly, pick a famous dish.”

NICOLE: “Paella.”

SASHEER: “Chicken tikka masala.”

NICOLE: “Kebab.”

SASHEER: “Pho.”

NICOLE: Uch. “Beef Wellington.”

SASHEER: “Arepas.”

NICOLE: Beef Wellington is surprising to me because it’s something that I feel like I should like. It’s meat encased in a puff pastry, but you put mustard around the meat before you encase it in the puff pastry. And that’s where you fucking lose me. Why are we putting mustard on meat like that?

SASHEER: Yeah, I get that.

NICOLE: I think I have to pick kebab. I love kebabs.

SASHEER: Yeah. They’re so simple! Just meat on a stick.

NICOLE: Yeah. And that makes me really happy. What are you picking, diva?

SASHEER: I think I’m gonna pick the paella.

NICOLE: Yes, diva!

SASHEER: Yeah!

NICOLE: I think I had paella once, and it was, like, burnt on the bottom.

SASHEER: Yeah. That’s usually how it is.

JUDITH: This is Sasheer’s results.

SASHEER: “Cinnamon!” That’s my fall sense. “You’re not afraid to stand up for what you believe in, and you’re filled to the brim with sarcasm and wit. You’re intelligent, but you don’t always show it.” Wow.

NICOLE: BuzzFeed says you’re dumb. BuzzFeed said you read dumb to people. That’s a wild thing to say to somebody. “You’re intelligent, but you don’t always show it.”

SASHEER: Or maybe it’s like I’m not trying to brag about how smart I am?

NICOLE: That’s a good way to spin that.

SASHEER: But also, are these the qualities of cinnamon?

NICOLE: Yes! Cinnamon is so smart, but it’s, like, coy about it. Also, cinnamon is always like, “That’s wrong! That’s not right! I don’t believe that!” Have you ever talked to cinnamon? It is so sarcastic. You’re just like, “What?”

SASHEER: Yeah, you know, I guess I don’t hang around cinnamon that much.

NICOLE: Me? Jars and jars of it right next to me at all times. Okay. Mine is “cedarwood.” “You are a strong person who is even a bit stubborn. You can be described as a natural leader. You admire originality over anything else. And it matters a lot to you that you make the best decisions.” BuzzFeed looked into my soul. I think yours is pretty spot on, too, except for the intelligent part. I think you show it off.

SASHEER: Oh, thanks.

NICOLE: You’re welcome.

SASHEER: Yeah, this is actually a pretty good assessment.

NICOLE: Excuse me.

SASHEER: Is your hand raised?

NICOLE: I raised my hand.

SASHEER: Yes, Nicole?

NICOLE: Okay. I figured out the intelligent part. It’s in regard to me. So sometimes I say something very, very dumb, and you just let it go because it’s not, like, a detriment to me and the world. So, you’re just like, “Sure. That’s a belief she can have for the time being.” And you’ll only correct me if I, like, say it to too many people. So, you’re, like, not showboating how smart you are; you’re allowing others to be who they are. And then you’ll be like, “Hey, Nicole, that is fundamentally wrong,” when, like, there’s a bunch of people and I’m like, “Guess what I learned?” And you’re like, “No, no, friend. That’s not it.” But it’s gentle and nice.

SASHEER: Wow! Thank you! I like that.

NICOLE: You’re welcome. Honestly, I think I’ve told you this. I think I called you, and I was like, “I had an epiphany! One of my favorite things about you is you don’t make me feel stupid!”

SASHEER: Yeah, I’m glad. I’m glad I make you feel that way because you’re not stupid.

NICOLE: Hey. Thank you. I just say insane things sometimes.

SASHEER: Yeah, and I like that.

NICOLE: It’s just because my mouth is moving faster than the brain. And sometimes vice versa. And sometimes it all shuts down. Like, last night, for whatever reason, I decided to stomp into a conversation. And then I, like, followed you around this bar. I was like, “You will not leave me alone.” And then the next conversation I tried to sneak in, but then I didn’t have enough room. And I think my brain was off at that point; I was just being weird.

SASHEER: Yeah, but it was funny.

NICOLE: Oh, boy. Should we answer questions and, like, help people?

SASHEER: Let’s help people.

NICOLE: Is this a onesie you’re wearing, or is this a hoodie?

SASHEER: Just a hoodie. I wish it was a onesie.

NICOLE: You’re so daring wearing white. White is scary.

SASHEER: And I’m drinking pressed juice with carrot and orange in it. It’s a risk.

NICOLE: That is a risk. What if you spill it?

SASHEER: Then I get orange on my white hoodie.

NICOLE: Oh, Lord, that would be devastating. But do you have OxiClean?

SASHEER: I do, and it works. I like it.

NICOLE: Maybe you were the one who was preaching the good word of OxiClean. It’s wild. I feel like we should all be talking about OxiClean more.

SASHEER: We should. It really works.

NICOLE: It’s great. It, like, gets any old stain out. And it’s truly incredible. It is a miracle sent by the good Lord. Like, how did they figure this out?

SASHEER: I don’t know, but that man who’s always yelling figured it out.

NICOLE: Figured it out. And I understand why he’s yelling now. He’s like, “It works!”

SASHEER: He’s like, “Why aren’t people listening to me? I’m telling you it works!”

NICOLE: And I’m here now, unsponsored by OxiClean. Get yourself a tub. If you got whites to wash, get yourself a tub.

SASHEER: Get yourself a tub.

NICOLE: Sprinkle it in. Have a nice time.

SASHEER: We have an email. “Hello, hello. You ladies are the absolute best. Your honest and funny advice, but more importantly, your incredible friendship has kept me hooked on your podcast for years. Here’s the Q. My boyfriend, 28, and I, 29, each have a couple of circles of friends. He has his hometown friends and college friends, all of which he seems relatively close to, meaning the group hangs out frequently. I have a handful of hometown friends, some college friends, and friends I’ve made since moving to the city four years ago. I have different friendship dynamics with each group. I met my boyfriend’s friends pretty quickly. We all tailgated at a concert together, and I’ve been invited to group events ever since. The group is mostly couples. I don’t have group hangouts with my friends as regularly as he does with his friends. My boyfriend has met some of my city girlfriends when we were all already out and just ended up meeting up at the same bar. My girlfriends and I usually either do solo weeknight dinner or drinks or plan an event or something with the larger group weeks to months out, holiday parties, birthday outings, etc.”

NICOLE: “My question is what’s the best way to introduce my boyfriend to my friend groups when the dynamic of my friend groups is different than his? I obviously want my boyfriend to meet all my friends as these are important people in my life that I care a lot about. I also don’t want too much time to pass before my boyfriend thinks either 1) my friends are imaginary, 2) I don’t take our relationship seriously enough to introduce him to my friends, or 3) I just depend on his friend group to do fun things regularly. More questions. What was your approach to introducing your current/past partners to the friend group? What was the balance between hanging out with theirs versus your friend group? Would you think less of your partner if their friendship dynamic was different than yours?”

SASHEER: “I’m interested to see where this discussion goes. Truly grateful for any and all thoughts and advice you have.”

NICOLE: “F is for friends. P.S. Nicole, I can’t wait to see you in Boston in November. I’m excited.” I’m at the Wilbur, I believe, November 11th. So, there’s a late show added because the first show sold out. So, come. Glad I got to plug myself during a question. Sasheer, I feel like you have introduced a partner to friend groups. Do you want to take the lead on this, friend?

SASHEER: Oh, sure. Way to lead me in. I thought you were going to actually answer the question. You’re just like, “You can do that. So go.” Well, I feel like I have told people, like, “I want you to meet this person. So, we will make a, like, specific hangout so we can do that, like a double date or just, like, come to my house and we’ll hang or something like that.” If it’s, like, a first meeting,  I think I’ve been clear about, like, “I want you to meet this person.” Like, either to my friends–“I want you to meet my partner.” Or to my partner–“I want you to meet this friend because this person is important to me. And since you’re in my life, they will also be in your life, so…” Yeah. I think I’ve done it like that. And then eventually it just becomes natural or, like, “Oh, we’re going to do this. Do you want to join?” Or if there’s a larger hang and people are bringing their partners, then I would bring my partner, too. But yeah, I think if you’re having trouble initially at first, you can just tell people, “Hey, it’s actually important for me for you guys to meet my partner. Can we set up a hang so we can do that?” And then that can happen.

NICOLE: Yeah, I think that’s solid advice. I think it’s important to tell your partner that it’s important for them to meet your friends. And then it’s like, “Yeah, just set up a little hang where, you know, maybe there’s a partner mingle.” I like the idea of him joining your friends for drinks. Like, that’s fun. Like, you know, he could just tag along to things. And just, like, tell your friends, “Oh, he’s going to come because I want you to meet him.” But then also, I think it’s okay if he has a more active friendship life where there’s, like, a group leader who plans things and you go to those things. I think that’s absolutely fine. I think it’s fine to have different friendship dynamics.

SASHEER: Yeah, totally. Yeah. And there might even be an opportunity for you to mix the groups, like if it’s someone’s birthday or whatever. If your partner’s friends are doing some big activity, like going to a sports thing–

NICOLE: Yeah. A sports thing at a stadium.

SASHEER: Or, like, a park or. I don’t know. They’re doing something where it’s like other people can come, too. Maybe you invite your friends as well and then see if, like, the groups can mingle a little bit or that your partner can, like, be introduced to people in an environment where they have their own people too. And there can be breaks–social breaks–where they’re like, “Okay, now I’m going to go talk to people I’m comfortable with. And I’m going to try to, like, meet new people. Etc.”

NICOLE: Yeah, I think that’s great.

SASHEER: Yeah.

NICOLE: Solved!

SASHEER: Solved!

CALLER: Hello, Nicole. Hello, Sasheer. Hi, Kimmie and Jordan as well. I wanted to call in because I have a bit of a little friend group drama. And I’m unsure, like, how to go about it. Me and my best friend–Jenna–we have a friend group. And we have a girl in there. We’ll call her Mary. Mary has always had this thing about, like, people texting back too slow–it’s kind of a pet peeve of hers. And she doesn’t also quite get that, you know, we all have, like, other things that we do. And, you know, I’m a full-time student and I work, so I don’t have any days off. My best friend’s a businesswoman. She literally works, you know, Monday through Friday–she puts their nose to the grind. And sometimes we don’t text back right away. If it’s anything like an event–the needs are, like, RSVP, like a reservation or anything–we definitely kind of, you know, reach out and everything. We do all that. But, like, there’s certain things, like memes and stuff, that we don’t really, you know, respond to as quickly as she’d like. It’s kind of been building up in her. And she has this cousin that isn’t really good with his liquor–is not really, like, fun to be around either. And we’ve kind of expressed that. And so, in our group chat, she put that he was having a birthday thing. And she was like, “No obligation to go.” And you know, when I hear that, like, I don’t feel obligated to reply because it doesn’t matter if I’m there or not. Why does it matter if I am attending? It’s not like there is a reservation. It was, like, just to hang, and I don’t really want to be around him when he’s drunk. So, I kind of thought we were on the same page with that. But anyway, my best friend, Jenna, reaches out to her because she got called–we all got called–“assholes” by this girl because we didn’t reply. And Jenna reached out and said, “Hey, I don’t appreciate being called an asshole. There are better ways to bring something up that upsets you. You don’t need to resort to name calling.” And they get into it, and then it ends up with Jenna leaving the chat. And I’m kind of wondering, like, are we the assholes? We’ve told her, “Yeah, girl. Sometimes we’re not really there to respond right away. That’s just kind of how we do it. I’m not always there to respond.” And she still kind of doesn’t get that. And she kind of expects us to respond super quickly. And then she’s just, like, throwing it in our face that we don’t. And it’s kind of like, “Well, that’s just kind of who we are. I’m sorry, but…” This is getting really long. But I don’t know if we’re the asshole or not.

NICOLE: I don’t think they’re the assholes. I sometimes get worried when people don’t answer me quickly. And I think I’ve gotten better with this because sometimes I’ll text you. Or in the past, I’ve, like, texted you and been like, “Excuse me. Hi. Where are you? Hello?” And I think I’m better now at not doing that. And it’s just an anxious attachment thing where you make up things as to why people aren’t responding to you. And it’s a hard thing being on the other end of it because it’s hard to be like, “It is unreasonable for you to expect me to respond instantly.” And I don’t know how to tell that person that because it is really hard. And I feel like it’s something that an anxious, attached person has to realize for themself–that it’s like, “Oh, me expecting someone to answer me five minutes after I text them is literally insane because people are living their own lives. And it’s not a life-or-death question.” Like, you’re not in the hospital, there’s no emergency, and you’re fine. But to answer your question, you’re not assholes. I think it’s fine to not reply to a text that’s like, “Here’s an invite. No pressure. You don’t have to come.” Yeah.

SASHEER: I think Mary’s hurt because… I agree with what you’re saying about  no one should be expected to respond so quickly. I don’t know what the other scenarios are where Mary was expecting a fast text. But the specific issue that they’re talking about–Mary invited her friends to her birthday and no one responded. I think I would be hurt.

NICOLE: It wasn’t her birthday. It was her cousin’s birthday.

SASHEER: Is that right? It was her cousin’s birthday? Oh, I thought it was her birthday. I was like, “What the fuck?”

NICOLE: If it was her birthday, I’d be like, “Yeah, you guys are all assholes. You’re friends, and you’re not responding to this girl’s birthday invite?”

SASHEER: That’s what I thought was happening.

NICOLE: It’s her cousin, who’s hard to be around, who’s a bad drinker. So, it’s already not a fun time. And then Mary invited them to this person’s party and then said, “No pressure.” So, when I hear “no pressure,” that means there’s no pressure to respond to this. There’s no pressure to go to this.

SASHEER: Yeah. I guess I sometimes am a person who is like, “What’s happening?” If there’s silence, I’m like, “What’s happening?” And I think I do have a little bit of anxious attachment stuff, too, but… I also just love communication. I just would rather you say, “Oh, thanks for the invite.” Even that–even if just “Thanks for the invite. I don’t think I’m going to make it.” You already have had the talk. You guys don’t like her cousin. You don’t want to be around this person, especially on their birthday because they probably will drink too much. That discussion does not have to happen in the group chat. But just saying– Even thumbs upping it–something! Getting zero response, I think, is kind of shitty. And yes, I guess I understand what the caller is saying about we can’t be expected to respond quickly. But you should respond at some point. I think at some point I would get frustrated, too, and be like, “This sucks. Why do I feel like I’m talking to myself?”

NICOLE:  I do see where you’re coming from as well. I guess if it wasn’t late responses on a ton of things and then no response on this, that would make me upset. But if it was like, you know, timely responses, late responses, timely responses, no answer, then I think I’d be fine. But if it was, like, a culmination of being ignored, I think I would also get frustrated. So, I see what you’re saying.

SASHEER: Yeah. And, you know, Mary probably didn’t need to call them assholes and could have voiced their frustration in a different way and been like, “Hey, this doesn’t feel good because I don’t know what you guys are thinking. Can you respond to anything?” But also, I understand that feeling because you want to feel like you are part of the group and that the group is excited to talk to you. And of course, there needs to be some grace and leniency for people who have busy schedules. But also, this is your friend, right? Like, you should respond at some point to let them know that… I don’t know. Just let them know anything. If it’s a no, I think I’d rather see you write “no” than nothing. And also, maybe she’s inviting her friends to her cousin’s party because maybe she doesn’t want to be alone at her cousin’s party. Maybe she wants some support. And she said, “No presh,” but maybe it wasn’t actually no presh. Maybe it’s like, “No presh because I actually don’t want to pressure you, but, like, it’d be nice. Like, actually, it would be nice if you were there with me” because maybe she feels obligated to be there for her cousin. Or maybe she likes her cousin. I don’t know! We don’t know the parameters of her relationship with her cousin. But she invited you for a reason. So maybe just respond.

NICOLE: Yeah. Okay. I change my advice. It was bad.

SASHEER: It wasn’t bad.

NICOLE: No, it was terrible. And I’m stupid. I agree with you. Smart. Solved.

SASHEER: No, I still agree with you about the responding thing, which also can be a conversation. Not everyone has the same communication etiquette. And I think for people who have annoyed me communication-wise, if they say, “Oh, actually, when I start getting involved with work or a thing, it’s hard for me to jump back on my phone. So, this is why I fall off.” And then I have that information, so when it happens again, I’m like, “Oh. That’s why this is happening.” Or, like, “Oh, sorry. When we start texting, I don’t know how to stop because I feel like we’re in a conversation. And when you stop, it makes me feel like you just walked away from the conversation or something. I’d rather you say ‘brb’ or, like, ‘Oops. Running, running to do a thing,’ so I know that the conversation has ended as opposed to you just putting your phone down.” I think those things can be said because it’s not inherent and people communicate differently. And text is hard. It’s just very hard.

NICOLE: So hard to read nuance and sarcasm and…

SASHEER: Yeah. Okay. Solved!

NICOLE: Solved!

SASHEER: Well, if you have any questions or queries that you want to email or text us, you can email nicoleandsasheer@gmail.com or call, text, or leave a voice memo at (424) 645-7003.

NICOLE: And if you have money burning a hole in your pocket, we have merch at podswag.com/best friends.

SASHEER: We also have transcripts of our new episodes. You can check them out on our show page at earwolf.com.

NICOLE: Lastly, please don’t forget to rate, review, and subscribe. It’s the easiest way to support the show!

SASHEER: Yes!

NICOLE: Oh, my word. Well, Sasheer… Goodbye!

SASHEER: Well, Nicole… Goodbye.