December 28, 2023
EP. 335 — Dungeons & Dragons LIVE!
Audience member turned fourth host Morgan Vierling (HDTGM’s Dungeons & Dragons Episode) helps Paul, June, & Jason break down 2000’s Dungeons & Dragons starring Jeremy Irons, Thora Birch, Marlon Wayans, and Justin Whalin. LIVE from the Miller Theater in Philly, the crew discuss Snails’ meaningless death, if priests could do magic, peeping imps, Lipstick Man’s connection to the movie “Switch”, and so much more. #JusticeForSnails
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Transcript
Paul Scheer [00:00:00] A movie that takes the worst parts of the Phantom Menace and the CGI skills of a YouTuber circa 2000. We saw Dungeons and Dragons, so you know what that means.
Music [00:00:14] [Intro Song]
Paul Scheer [00:01:06] Hello, people of Earth! And hello, people of Philadelphia! We are back in Philadelphia with yet another Dragon film, this one. Dungeons and Dragons. It has it all. Dungeons, check. Dragons, check. Plot, question mark. Normally the part of the show where I like to break down what this movie is about for those who have not seen it. I tried. I wrote a couple of things around the movie. I read a Wikipedia page and I don’t think I got it, but I’ll try. The battle for the soul of Izmir is at stake as Thora Birch wants to let people be equal and control gold dragons. But Jeremy Irons wants to keep the gold dragons and also control red ones. Chaos ensues. That is the plot that I know of this movie. Came out in 2000. It’s an hour and 47 minutes. It took 23 years for someone to try this movie again. This was a colossal flop. It is a rough movie. Saved by one person. Jeremy fucking Irons. Jeremy Irons, who said, I only took this gig for the money and the amount of time I had to be on set, which was not a lot. The rest, we will break it down. And I’m going to break it down with my two co-hosts. Please welcome to the stage Mr. Jason Mantzoukas.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:03:11] What’s up, Jerks? What’s up, Philly? How we doing? That’s right. I watched this movie in the car on the way here. I don’t know what the fuck it was about. Yikes. This was like, Yikes.
Paul Scheer [00:03:36] This was truly one that I could not wrap my head around.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:03:40] I kept rewinding to be like, I must have missed a very important thing here, and I’m going to be honest. June and I were just speaking backstage. We don’t know who most of the people there are. I don’t know who most of those people are, including the guy in the blue sweater.
Paul Scheer [00:04:00] I will say that looking at that image, I think two of those people are not in this movie. I googled Dungeons and Dragons without seeing the film. I know they’re not from the new one.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:04:16] Honest to God. Who is the guy? I would have remembered a guy with a jewel in the middle of his head.
Paul Scheer [00:04:23] Not in this film. But if you know, we will come to you.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:04:27] We got over it. We got to bring it. We got it. Because June and I were already so deep into it. I don’t.
Paul Scheer [00:04:33] June Diane Raphael! Welcome, June.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:04:41] And you better believe. Go ahead.
June Diane Raphael [00:04:46] Yeah. So, Paul, Jason and I were backstage, and I did also just complete this movie. I mean, we’re fresh.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:04:52] Fresh.
Paul Scheer [00:04:53] So am I. I was watching it backstage as well.
June Diane Raphael [00:04:58] Okay.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:04:58] You’re not part of the crew.
June Diane Raphael [00:05:01] And for a second, I thought the guy with the jeweled head was Dumbledore. Dumbledore. Oh, D’asiledore.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:05:09] Wait.
June Diane Raphael [00:05:10] Dunkirk? I thought that that was one of our main bad.
Paul Scheer [00:05:17] Dabholkar?
Jason Mantzoukas [00:05:20] If you quizzed me on every character name. I know Snails, and no one else. Justice for Snails! Let him win. Let him get the girl. Let him get the treasure justice for Snails.
June Diane Raphael [00:05:37] Justice for Snails.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:05:39] (to audience member) Is that what your sign says?
June Diane Raphael [00:05:42] R.I.P. Snails. So, Paul. When you make these slides, when you make these images, you’re really just you’re just Google image searching and hoping for the best?
Paul Scheer [00:05:57] Well, most of the time I am aware and I and I had the guy with the purple lips, but it was a low res shot.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:06:04] Now can I ask you a quick question about lipstick?
Paul Scheer [00:06:07] Yeah.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:06:07] Is that the guy from the Mummy?
Paul Scheer [00:06:10] No, it is not. He looks like ah like his name is like Arnold.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:06:15] It’s close though, right? Very similar look. Except with lipstick. So I kept writing in my notes, The Mummy. And so if I say that again, that’s the only reason.
June Diane Raphael [00:06:26] So, Paul, you would prefer a high res image of of people who aren’t in the movie to a low res image of the actual characters?
Jason Mantzoukas [00:06:35] You better believe I would know what this fucking movie was about if there was someone in a tube top in the movie. I’d be all about tube top.
Paul Scheer [00:06:48] I googled Dungeons and Dragons, and this is a tricky one because there is another movie called Dungeons and Dragons. Well, so I’ve pulled up Dungeons and Dragons. And look, I’m watching these movies with you all. So I pulled it up and I was like, okay, well, this is Jeremy Irons. He’s in it. And I know that. And this picture is of this this couple here, and they’re clearly in it. And now I’m looking.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:07:15] Wait, I’m curious. Before you do, can anybody name what movie these two characters are from?
June Diane Raphael [00:07:20] They look familiar, I will say.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:07:23] Okay. So that’s a no.
Paul Scheer [00:07:24] It is from the Rotten Tomatoes page for Dungeons and Dragons 2000. So I was correct in that maybe they were in a deleted scene.
June Diane Raphael [00:07:35] Wow. You really elevated them.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:07:39] Wow. Those two people are somewhere cashing checks because of this. Well, what I’m I mean, now it was.
June Diane Raphael [00:07:47] Jason and I were just in the wings, and I was really like, am I having some sort of a medical event?
Paul Scheer [00:07:54] So, yes, I picked the wrong images, but that’s just because I don’t want to wreck the movie. I’m I’m building assets for this movie months ahead of time, making sure that we bring the best of the best to Philly. And sometimes I make mistakes.
June Diane Raphael [00:08:08] Listen, you are standing in feedback so courageously and vulnerably, and I appreciate it.
Paul Scheer [00:08:15] I do think and I don’t want to whip this out at the top of the show, I this might be from the made for TV sequel.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:08:25] Okay.
Paul Scheer [00:08:26] That’s my thought.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:08:27] I am more interested in. I’ll be honest.
June Diane Raphael [00:08:29] There’s this sequel.
Paul Scheer [00:08:31] There is a made for TV sequel.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:08:33] Series or a movie?
Paul Scheer [00:08:35] A movie sequel with none of the characters returning which is.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:08:40] I’m okay with that.
Paul Scheer [00:08:41] Yes. Hard to call it a sequel when you don’t bring anyone back, but I will. Yeah.
June Diane Raphael [00:08:48] No, I’m just wondering. Just so I know where to steer the conversation and just so we can have a little context. Have either of you played Dungeons and Dragons?
Paul Scheer [00:08:57] That was something that really was not offered to me as a child. I understand Dungeons and Dragons. I can speak to it now, but I was never I never played it. I have I don’t think I ever have, even as an adult played it, but I understand it.
June Diane Raphael [00:09:19] How do you understand it?
Jason Mantzoukas [00:09:20] June, I feel like you don’t believe him.
June Diane Raphael [00:09:24] I guess I just like you’re waiting for it to be offered to you.
Paul Scheer [00:09:29] Well, yeah, because a lot of people say, like, Oh, yeah, there was a club to play dungeons. No one played Dungeons Dragons. I did go to Catholic school, so it might have been illegal.
June Diane Raphael [00:09:38] Yeah, might have been like the occult.
Paul Scheer [00:09:40] You know, I mean, Jason?
Jason Mantzoukas [00:09:41] I did not. I never played Dungeons and Dragons either. The closest I came was the non Dungeons and Dragons game that they play on Harmon Quest, which is.
Paul Scheer [00:09:52] I did that.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:09:52] Which is a which is a similar type thing, but obviously very different. It’s for a TV show, blah, blah, blah. So my real only experience is in that. But I too have now as as people who’ve been improvising for 25 years, how many times have you been in a Dungeons & Dragons scene?
June Diane Raphael [00:10:08] It’s my greatest fear.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:10:10] So just through context clues, I’ve picked up a bunch of specifics from Dungeons Dragons scenes.
Paul Scheer [00:10:17] Well, I would say, June, we could cut this out if you want, but you would say that your greatest fear improvising was that people would hit you with, a Star Wars or Dungeons and Dragons reference right out of the gate.
June Diane Raphael [00:10:28] Yes. And I’ve been forced into those scenes. It’s kind of way to stop doing it.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:10:35] I think you’d make a great Padawan.
Paul Scheer [00:10:38] Here’s the thing.
June Diane Raphael [00:10:39] I don’t know whether to be hurt or happy.
Paul Scheer [00:10:43] This movie opens up with and I did watch it twice. 45 seconds of exposition over steamy, murky gray.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:10:55] I would even say I would even say the first 45 minutes are exposition. Like people are in scenes giving full lore dumps and in specific dumps that are just like. I felt like this movie was dumping on me the whole time.
June Diane Raphael [00:11:13] What was so hard to understand. Like, I went back and watched a few of those dumps and I was like, What am I missing here? Because, okay, so I know nothing about Dungeons and Dragons.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:11:26] I don’t think the movie does either. I mean, even what limited knowledge I have of Dungeons and Dragons and having seen what I believe to be a very successful version of it, which is this last year’s version of Dungeons and Dragons.
June Diane Raphael [00:11:39] I’d love to see that.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:11:40] This is not this doesn’t seem to be Dungeons and Dragons.
June Diane Raphael [00:11:44] But when you’re playing, audience, Dungeons and Dragons.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:11:48] Oh, should we elect an expert from the audience?
June Diane Raphael [00:11:49] I would really love to.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:11:51] Is there a D&D expert who if we need help, we can go to you for just unadulterated.
Paul Scheer [00:11:57] Oh, right there. You got it. All right. Can you make your way down here just in case? Because we want to make sure.
June Diane Raphael [00:12:04] We need you closer.
Paul Scheer [00:12:07] Sir. What’s your name?
Morgan [00:12:08] Morgan.
Paul Scheer [00:12:09] Morgan.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:12:09] Give it up for Morgan! Morgan. Morgan. Morgan. Now. Was it the Jonathan Livingston seagull expert also named Morgan? You know that? How many people were at Jonathan Livingston Seagull? Okay.
June Diane Raphael [00:12:30] Wow.
Paul Scheer [00:12:30] I’m letting Morgan hold the mic because I trust a DM. I trust a Dungeons and Dragons person with the mic. They understand their role.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:12:42] This is respect.
Paul Scheer [00:12:43] Okay.
June Diane Raphael [00:12:43] So, Morgan, can I ask a question, please? So when you’re playing, you just said I trusted DM Is that a Dungeon Master?
Paul Scheer [00:12:50] Yes.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:12:51] Wow. Okay, nerd.
June Diane Raphael [00:12:52] Okay. All right. So, Morgan, when most people start playing Dungeons and Dragons, are they commoners without magical powers?
Morgan [00:13:02] No, because that’s not very fun to play. And we play for escapism.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:13:08] So everybody has, like an archetype, right? Like an elf or a dwarf or a, I don’t know, a mage
June Diane Raphael [00:13:17] Mage.
Morgan [00:13:19] Yeah. So depending on, like, which year you’re talking about for this game that you’re like an elf or a dwarf or a human, but you’re also like a fighting guy or a magic guy or a priest who’s also magic.
Paul Scheer [00:13:31] Well, now, Morgan, I want to ask you a question about this.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:13:35] Man, priests would really be out of control if they could do magic, these motherfuckers. God damn. Can you imagine if they could do magic? The magic that they do do is getting away with it.
Paul Scheer [00:13:57] I know I’ve talked about it a handful of times, but I went to a school with Franciscan brothers and they would make candy come out from behind our ears and then make us reach inside of their pockets to get more candy.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:14:09] No. What?
June Diane Raphael [00:14:11] Paul.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:14:12] No. Lock them up.
June Diane Raphael [00:14:14] Paul.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:14:15] What are you talking about?
Paul Scheer [00:14:17] At the time, a Jolly rancher was worth it.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:14:20] Oh, I don’t. Here’s the deal. I don’t think priests should be allowed to buy candy.
Paul Scheer [00:14:29] If they are allowed, they have to eat it in front of the person they bought it from. Now, Morgan, I will ask this, because this is the thought I had and this is more of a macro thought about the movie, which is D&D, a campaign is an ensemble effort. And this movie is really about one person. Like the idea of being like, everybody adds to the adventure. Everyone has something to do. And this movie many people have nothing to do.
Morgan [00:15:00] Yeah, you’re absolutely right. Like even the people who are in the party are just kind of randomly picked up along the way, whereas it’s supposed to be more of a collaborative thing where there’s no real star of the show.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:15:11] And also, like, this fails on both like a I feel like a D&D. Like everybody is in a group trying to do their thing together. It also fails. It keeps trying to make itself seem as though it’s Lord of the Rings and it fails as a fellowship as well.
Paul Scheer [00:15:30] And now let me ask you one more question. That’s probably the nerdiest question I have. Talk to me about dragons in Dungeons and Dragons. Like what are dragons? I understand.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:15:41] What are dragons?
Paul Scheer [00:15:42] But I’m asking this because I think Morgan knows that I’m going for like dragons in this movie seem to be the equivalent of, like, a mack truck. It’s like we could drive them into things like that. But in Dungeons Dragons, dragons are different, right?
Morgan [00:15:59] Yeah. So this movie definitely went for more of like a Game of Thrones feel to their dragons. But like in Dungeons and Dragons there, dragons are like intelligent creatures. They’re very like proud and vain and they have like treasure hoards. And some of them are evil and some of them are good. And for some reason the good ones are named after crayons in the box in the sorry, the bad ones are crayons in the box, in the good ones are metallic.
June Diane Raphael [00:16:23] And gold. Okay, So. So, okay, this is so helpful. Now, can I ask?
Audience [00:16:31] (Chants “Morgan”)
Jason Mantzoukas [00:16:39] We didn’t prompt this chant! This is an organic chant.
Paul Scheer [00:16:44] You know what? You can take out your phones, Take a picture of Morgan.
June Diane Raphael [00:16:47] Yeah. I’m going to just be brave, Paul, and I’m going to ask a question I have. You know, I didn’t feel that there were many dungeons in this movie.
Morgan [00:17:06] And there were a couple actually. Even the first scene, once they get past this swirling mess where they have the weird laboratory, that that was essentially a dungeon insofar as.
Paul Scheer [00:17:18] Dungeons go.
June Diane Raphael [00:17:21] Maybe I don’t really know what a dungeon is.
Paul Scheer [00:17:23] It’s below the castle. It’s like a basement. A castle basement.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:17:26] Like the prison where they get tossed in prison a couple of times.
June Diane Raphael [00:17:29] That we would be in them more. I felt we were outside a lot.
Paul Scheer [00:17:33] I felt like the movie literally was like in the first scene, we’ll show you Dungeon and Dragon, and we were like, And now we can move forward.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:17:44] Until the end where there’s more dragons. Out of curiosity. Morgan, as a D&D, I’m assuming fan since childhood question mark.
Morgan [00:17:55] Pretty much.
June Diane Raphael [00:17:55] Pretty much.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:17:57] Did you have feelings on this specific movie when it came out?
June Diane Raphael [00:18:00] Great question, Jason.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:18:01] Thank you, June. I pride myself on my questions.
June Diane Raphael [00:18:06] Yeah, that was a great question.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:18:07] I’m vain like a dragon.
Paul Scheer [00:18:11] Oh, magenta Mantzoukas.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:18:14] Oooh, with my hoard of treasure and gold. Like, Smaug.
Morgan [00:18:20] Smaug is actually a great example of.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:18:23] Go to hell Morgan!
Morgan [00:18:34] I was just going to say Smaug is a great example of like what D&D Dragons are actually like. Yeah, I did not see this movie as a child, actually, probably because my parents shielded me from it and I wasn’t even aware until it was announced for this that this was a movie.
Paul Scheer [00:18:52] Oh, wow. There we go.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:18:53] And how did you feel about it? Just in general, do you have thoughts?
Morgan [00:18:56] It was so bad.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:18:57] Yeah. Morgan gets it. The rest of you fucking idiots don’t.
June Diane Raphael [00:19:04] Yeah. So. Okay. Then we’ll will let you go, I think. Or maybe you have to pull up another chair.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:19:10] Do we have a fourth chair?
June Diane Raphael [00:19:13] But but when you’re a player in the game can, like, could I sign like, could I join as a dragon? Or I’d be a thief or I’d be an elf?
Morgan [00:19:24] You could join as a dragon at certain tables.
June Diane Raphael [00:19:32] Got it, you’ve said enough. I’m not welcome everywhere.
Morgan [00:19:37] It’s not a default assumption that you can do that.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:19:41] Let me say this, if you’re inviting me to play your D&D game, I better be able to be a goddamn dragon.
Morgan [00:19:46] If you want to play my D&D game, you can be a goddamn dragon.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:19:48] I’m in.
Paul Scheer [00:19:49] Wow.
June Diane Raphael [00:19:49] Wow. I don’t think I can, though.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:19:51] Here’s what I’m going to say. I want to let Morgan get back to his seat. Where is your seat, Morgan? Are you far away? Can we let Morgan take the mic with him but kill the sound in case we need him to pipe up he can stay in his chair.
Paul Scheer [00:20:06] Yeah. All right. You could do it.
June Diane Raphael [00:20:08] Wow. Thank you, Morgan.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:20:10] Give it up for Morgan. A Philadelphia hero. Fuck the Eagles, Long live Morgan.
Paul Scheer [00:20:22] All right. So Morgan has set us straight that we don’t need to really know Dungeons and Dragons. This movie makes no sense on its own. So what I will say is this. Amazing, because the movie opens with Jeremy Irons shot out of a cannon. I want to just go to a clip two this is right when it starts. He’s giving a ten plus and.
June Diane Raphael [00:20:45] He doesn’t know another way.
Paul Scheer [00:20:48] Yes. He’s doing it with his eyes.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:20:50] Jeremy Irons is unhinged in this movie. And I was here every second.
June Diane Raphael [00:20:56] Me too.
Paul Scheer [00:20:56] Check out clip two, just a little clip of how he introduced Jeremy.
Movie Audio [00:21:10] Yes, I told you it could be done.
Movie Audio [00:21:14] You have the power of the Immortals. You can control dragons or the Dragon Army.
Movie Audio [00:21:28] Good. I could use ever ounce of your rage. Tomorrow I start.
Paul Scheer [00:22:03] Wow. And just so you know, he’s not acting against a real dragon, that’s all CGI.
June Diane Raphael [00:22:11] What?
Jason Mantzoukas [00:22:13] This movie did. Other than Jeremy Irons, the aforementioned Jeremy Irons.
June Diane Raphael [00:22:17] Did amazing.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:22:19] Did nobody any favors. Even the leader of the Crimson Guard, were they? I can’t remember what they’re called. Lipstick. Then you’ve got this big, imposing guy and they’re giving him, like, metallic lipstick that just like, radiates. It’s like we. I couldn’t. I was like, You’re really hurting his performance right now.
June Diane Raphael [00:22:38] I did. I thought he was amazing, actually.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:22:41] Oh, yes?
June Diane Raphael [00:22:42] I did. I thought that his portrayal of the parasite entering his body.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:22:46] Oh, man.
Paul Scheer [00:22:48] The earworm. Which, by the way, why do they even need an earworm for him? Because he was already doing the work. It didn’t seem like he was doing anything not like he he was on target.
June Diane Raphael [00:23:02] You’re right. I thought. I thought because he says a few times during the movie that he actually doesn’t want Thora Birch to like. He doesn’t. He doesn’t disagree with her thesis that everybody is equal. And I was like, oh, this is going to be a great turn for blue lipstick. Where he’s going. We’re going to see.
Paul Scheer [00:23:23] Right.
June Diane Raphael [00:23:24] That he sides with her at one point, but he never does. He never does. He gets the parasite out and then just continues to want to kill her.
Paul Scheer [00:23:33] There is something interesting about Thora Birch, which I don’t know. I believe that The Phantom Menace came out in 1999, and this movie does feel like she is doing an impression of Princess Amidala from that movie, like she’s always in front of a Senate. Like, that’s the most fun of Dungeons and Dragons, like an appeal to all the governors of this area and one of those guys had a Philly accent. One guy was like, “You got the consequences of your actions there.” Like, I can’t do a great Philly accent. But I would. But there was something about it was like, I don’t know what era anyone is in, because.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:24:19] I did hear that one of the council members say, Warter.
Paul Scheer [00:24:24] You could give everybody warter?
Jason Mantzoukas [00:24:25] And can I just for a brief moment sidetrack us for a second? Do, I suspect, blow your minds. Okay. Lipstick. Yes. The man in this movie that we just watched all of.
June Diane Raphael [00:24:40] I thought he was. And I thought it was wonderful.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:24:42] Fantastic. Played the devil in Switch from Monday’s show in Boston. He’s the devil in the movie Switch. We saw him three nights ago. I just looked it up.
June Diane Raphael [00:24:57] No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:25:09] He’s got long hair.
June Diane Raphael [00:25:10] He had an accent in the other movie.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:25:13] Who knows? It was really bugging me how familiar he was. I swore it was the guy from The Mummy. And I was like, No, no, no. And then I just looked it up, and I was like, there was a picture of him in something else with a hair. And I was like, Whoa, wait a minute. And it was Switch from Boston mere nights ago. Our lives are imploding.
Paul Scheer [00:25:32] There he is. Wow.
June Diane Raphael [00:25:36] God, that is him.
Paul Scheer [00:25:38] And that’s a scene that’s not even in Switch, but that deleted scene from Switch.
June Diane Raphael [00:25:47] You couldn’t even be bothered, Paul, to get his photo.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:25:52] Bruce Payne. A how did this get Made 2023 tour specific all star.
Paul Scheer [00:26:00] This is the Easter eggs that Avril creates for us.
June Diane Raphael [00:26:04] I’m stunned right now.
Paul Scheer [00:26:05] Wow.
June Diane Raphael [00:26:06] Wow.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:26:08] I know this is a wow. I think that’s the end of the show.
June Diane Raphael [00:26:11] I don’t know that I can go on.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:26:13] Time for me to do my cartwheels.
Paul Scheer [00:26:17] Wow, Wow, wow, wow.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:26:20] Sorry to digress, but that really was shocking.
Paul Scheer [00:26:24] Well, this is what I was thinking, though. This movie is really tonally hard to watch because it’s heart. And I’ll put this loosely. Shakespearean. Very actory and big and grand. And then the other side is like Disney Channel, like to a point where I’m like, this character, the main character, the one that we’re following. Ridley looks like he got his clothes and I wrote it down as from Abercrombie & Witch. He’s wearing.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:27:05] Boooooooo.
Paul Scheer [00:27:06] He’s wearing a straight up Henley. Him and Marlon Wayans, they literally say at one point, we’re the cleaning crew. The cleaning crew? Is that even a thing in, is that even a good excuse? They seem like they might just not be there, from 2000.
June Diane Raphael [00:27:27] Clearly. Yeah. And it’s so hard because I kept on both trying to, like, ground myself in the plot, and that was a fool’s errand.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:27:37] I was just going to say.
June Diane Raphael [00:27:38] It was really.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:27:39] Quicksand. Just like snails.
June Diane Raphael [00:27:41] Just like that quicksand carpet.
Paul Scheer [00:27:43] I felt like snails goes into, like, a pizza. Like is that oatmeal? Is that pizza?
Jason Mantzoukas [00:27:53] I would love it if snails opened a pizza place, and the the box cover was him, like, getting sucked into a pizza.
Paul Scheer [00:27:59] I also think that Dungeons and Dragons honor among thieves, which I love, pokes fun at this movie by doing a lot of the things that this movie does way better. Like someone falls into the floor. They say. Honor among thieves. There are a handful of big similarities between these two movies. And it’s almost like.
June Diane Raphael [00:28:17] Interesting.
Paul Scheer [00:28:18] We got this like, we will show you how to make someone fall into a floor. Morgan, is falling into a floor a big Dungeons and Dragons trope?
Morgan [00:28:27] Yeah, it is. Usually it’s like a pit trap of some kind. I think they were going for a mimic. There was like a the carpet was actually a monster pretending to be a carpet, which they usually pretend to be treasure chests. It’s a whole thing.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:28:40] Thing would be cool.
Paul Scheer [00:28:41] Like that thing.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:28:42] Can I have a follow up with Morgan. Is honor among thieves a D&D thing?
Morgan [00:28:48] Not really.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:28:49] Thank you, Morgan.
Paul Scheer [00:28:51] And I would argue that honor among thieves is something that is said, but no one respects. So it does feel like the one true thing is that there is no honor among anyone. I mean, and what is the plot of this movie?
June Diane Raphael [00:29:06] Well, so I got I struggled and I did I did watch this scene where there were some sort of an explanation. I watched it two times because I was like, June, you gotta you gotta listen to this as hard as it is. And it seems like. So Jeremy Irons wants to dethrone the Empress because she wants.
Paul Scheer [00:29:31] Use their names, June.
June Diane Raphael [00:29:32] I can’t.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:29:35] Yes, Jeremy Irons is trying is trying to January 6th with the council and get rid of the Empress, Thora Birch.
June Diane Raphael [00:29:44] Yes, because she believes that magicians and common people are the same.
Paul Scheer [00:29:55] Right. Spoiler alert. At the end the most like the, the basest writing of all time. “All people are equal.”
June Diane Raphael [00:30:08] What I couldn’t quite get clear on like Marina the character Marina does say at one point that she’s an aristocrat. So I’m like, oh, magician, mages are aristocrats. I couldn’t quite get clear on what they had that the others didn’t have.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:30:21] So I couldn’t understand. Similarly, it seemed as though Izmir, where Thora Birch is the Empress and Jeremy Irons is. I don’t know what his position is.
Paul Scheer [00:30:31] He’s a mage.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:30:32] I know he’s a mage, but I don’t know if he’s like.
June Diane Raphael [00:30:36] Like big mage energy over there. Yeah, like he is.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:30:40] But I mean, like he’s. He seems to have some sort of role in the council. He gets to speak to the council.
Paul Scheer [00:30:48] I think he’s Dumbledore, I think he runs the Magic school. Because I think the.
June Diane Raphael [00:30:53] Jeremy Irons? No. Morgan?
Jason Mantzoukas [00:30:57] Morgan?
Morgan [00:31:00] So what sets the aristocrats apart.
Audience [00:31:14] Morgan! Morgan! Morgan! Morgan! Morgan!
Morgan [00:31:18] In D&D, you go to school to learn magic. So it’s essentially like the equivalent of going to an Ivy League school of it. Instead of giving it you massive economic advantages, it gave you fireball powers.
Paul Scheer [00:31:31] Got it. So is he, is Jeremy Irons in your eye, like the Kingdom’s main magician?
June Diane Raphael [00:31:41] Now we are asking Morgan to be an expert on the movie, which we all saw.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:31:47] Morgan. Why? Oh, what happened to Snails? I’m just kidding. But what I was confused, I was genuinely confused by, Thora Birch seems to be the Empress of Izmir, and they live in the city or the capital city or whatever. There’s a magic school. And that’s where Jeremy Irons and and lipstick are. And that’s where snails and Ridley break in. And Marina is in there with the guy, and she gets the map. But then they go to all these other places they go to like the elven world, they go to all these other worlds. Is that still Izmir? Is that still the. Or are these other kingdoms?
Paul Scheer [00:32:27] Morgan?
Jason Mantzoukas [00:32:31] Morgan is going to be easily 80% of this show. Once we cut everything else out.
June Diane Raphael [00:32:38] Morgan, what’s your sense of what’s your sense of that?
Morgan [00:32:41] My take is that the like, elven kingdoms are like in Izmir, but not necessarily in the same physical space. There’s a lot of stuff with like alternate dimensions in D&D, and I think they were kinda trying to do that.
Paul Scheer [00:32:58] Cause their time hopping, they’re going through different things.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:33:00] There’s portals, there’s portals. Boy did I want Marina, nobody seemed to use any of their special skills at all.
Paul Scheer [00:33:06] No.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:33:07] Right? Marina has the ability. She has a pouch with stuff in it, it seems like. But she uses it twice. Like, use your magic.
June Diane Raphael [00:33:18] And then, like, if you’re going to open up a portal, like, close it, close it before the rest of them get in.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:33:28] And if I’m that dwarf. The dwarf joins for, like, only because they wake him up. And he’s like, I guess I guess I’ll roll with you guys.
Paul Scheer [00:33:37] First of all, that scene is so crazy. It seems that there is a sign on a sewer grate that says no dwarfs allowed. So he jumps like I guess it’s a a non dwarf sewer. So they go into a sewer.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:33:52] Which wait. Just to back up a brief moment. That means everybody else is allowed into the sewer. Like, what is that? Like what I don’t even understand on a level of, like, who wants to? Everybody wants to go in the sewer, but they’re like, We’ve got to keep the dwarves out.
Paul Scheer [00:34:08] Well, by the way, not to. I don’t. I’m.
June Diane Raphael [00:34:13] Yeah, be careful, Paul, be careful.
Paul Scheer [00:34:15] I’m careful to not say the wrong thing. But I will say this. The dwarf seemed of equal height to the rest of the characters.
June Diane Raphael [00:34:23] So I thought this, I thought this. And I. I actually I will say this. Before the dwarf, quote unquote, the alleged dwarf arrived onscreen, I had already had the thought These actors are very small. And once I saw that dwarf, I thought, no, no, no, either they’re all dwarfs.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:34:57] Do you think the scene where they’re walking through the marketplace in Marlon Wayans Snails is stealing stuff from the stalls was improvised?
June Diane Raphael [00:35:04] Yes.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:35:05] That he was just grabbing stuff and putting stuff and putting boots on his head and all.
Paul Scheer [00:35:08] The director was so frustrated with Marlon Wayans in this movie.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:35:12] What was it because of all the screaming? Well, there was a lot of high pitched screaming he was doing.
Paul Scheer [00:35:18] So Marlon Wayans, fun fact, was shooting Requiem for a Dream at the same time.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:35:26] There couldn’t be a more disparate ends of the spectrum than Requiem for a Dream in this movie. This one did have ass-to-ass in it too though.
Paul Scheer [00:35:43] What happened in this movie was the.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:35:48] Come on, Philly.
Paul Scheer [00:35:49] The director was a producer who couldn’t find a director, so he’s like, well I’ll direct it and I think it’s his first and only film. And he got so frustrated with Marlon Wayans that he said, Look. I’ll give you three ad libs if you just do the line right one time. And that was their agreement.
June Diane Raphael [00:36:12] That’s a great deal.
Paul Scheer [00:36:13] And it felt like they used a lot of the ad libs.
June Diane Raphael [00:36:16] I think they did.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:36:17] Yeah. Felt like it. Yeah. I’ve had that deal.
Paul Scheer [00:36:21] Yeah. But that scene, there’s a scene actually at the end too, where, ah, where Ridley says, Hey, pick on someone your own size. And that’s when I really noticed it. I was like, They’re all the same size. He’s picking on. He’s average height, too.
June Diane Raphael [00:36:40] That’s what I’m saying. They’re either all dwarves or they’re none of them are dwarfs.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:36:45] Well, this is the problem with the new woke Snow White. Get. I’m just kidding. Do you think that the shooting schedule for Marlon Wayans on Requiem for a Dream is why he was killed and is then not in the rest of the movie? And the only way they can insinuate that he is still alive is a glowing stone at the end. Like that’s got to be because that he had other he had a conflict like it made. No he’s the only character who dies.
Paul Scheer [00:37:15] And it makes no sense. It’s like you kill a main character midway through the film.
June Diane Raphael [00:37:23] Yeah, it was early.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:37:24] And in a way that was not to save everybody. Not a sacrifice. Not not worth it at all.
June Diane Raphael [00:37:31] Well, he did throw the scroll.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:37:33] He threw it. He threw the scroll. Not even to them, like two feet in front of him. Arguably, lipstick is closer to the scroll than anybody else is. Everybody, if you get a magic scroll immediately, get a bunch of fakes. This movie needed fake scrolls more than anything else. But here’s the scroll.
Paul Scheer [00:37:56] I will say this, though, too, that we like. So Marlon Wayans watches his two friends get sucked into a map. Then he’s like, Well, let me go flirt with this girl for a bit. Like, there is no “oh, fuck. I got friends trapped in a map.”
Jason Mantzoukas [00:38:14] Yeah, lipstick and the crimson guards show up, and the dwarf is like, Come on, you don’t have time for flirting or whatever he says. And Marlon Wayans looks annoyed. The end. But meanwhile, like, the Big Bad is right there.
Paul Scheer [00:38:29] Also, they have escaped down a sewer and they basically go to, like, a TGI Fridays of medieval times.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:38:38] I will say the food looked good. And that might be because I was very hungry.
Paul Scheer [00:38:44] I do not want to see anyone eat a turkey or chicken like that. It’s the way they eat it. Like, oh, the skin.
June Diane Raphael [00:38:53] Food in beards is to me.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:38:59] Careful. Careful.
June Diane Raphael [00:38:59] And I will say about Jason, I’ve never seen a piece of food in your beard. And I don’t think I ever will.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:39:05] Never.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:39:05] Never. ISometimes it’ll happen like popcorn in a movie theater. I won’t know. I won’t know. It’s. It’s a little piece that’s gotten in there.
June Diane Raphael [00:39:16] That’s okay.
Paul Scheer [00:39:17] But you also eat popcorn like this.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:39:20] Yeah. Or like this.
June Diane Raphael [00:39:24] There is nothing more upsetting than. Than chicken and a beard. And that was. There’s just so much of it. It was very it was tough.
Paul Scheer [00:39:32] It also just felt like he was not even trying to hit his mouth. It was like his energy was like, I’m going to eat this in the most disgusting way possible.
June Diane Raphael [00:39:41] Like he was using that beard, like it was a plate. Like, I’ll just leave it here and then I’ll come back for seconds on my beard.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:39:51] I felt like when Marina and Ridley went into the scroll, they came out with knowledge that we hadn’t been privy to.
June Diane Raphael [00:40:00] Crazy to not see that scene.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:40:03] There must’ve been there must have been a scroll world scene that was not in the movie because they came out with more exposition.
June Diane Raphael [00:40:12] It was another dump.
Paul Scheer [00:40:15] There’s always exposition with someone, not even on camera. It’s like they’re far in the distance. And that’s why you went over here. The emperor said that. That’s why we all believe this. It’s like they never get to the face. I will say, though, the best thing I just checked on it. We got to see a little bit of movie magic. Obviously, we know that Marlon Wayans shooting Requiem for a Dream, but we also see the birth of one of his later films, the 2006 film Little Man, because as he’s walking to the girl, he picks up a little man. He goes, Out of my way, little man. And I bet you in that moment is like, What if I was a little man? Box office gold there. That’s Marlon Wayans. And the cover for Little Man is very disturbing. Marlon Wayans plays the baby that is a jewel thief. He’s a little man who is pretending to be a baby. All right. So that was just, you know, again.
June Diane Raphael [00:41:12] Well Paul, just to go back to the plot for a second. So. So. Okay, so Jeremy Irons doesn’t want the Empress to have to give everyone equal power.
Paul Scheer [00:41:26] Power of the Dragons.
June Diane Raphael [00:41:28] Well, yeah, but I think more than that, he doesn’t want her to sort of bring equity to this community.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:41:34] I think he wants the aristocracy, i.e., the mages.
June Diane Raphael [00:41:36] To continue to rule.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:41:37] To rule above all.
Paul Scheer [00:41:39] Because they believe that anarchy will happen if everyone is equal. But now, at the end of the movie, when all the dragons are attacking, I was like, Well, it seems like Jeremy Irons is against those dragons. And then Thora Birch released those dragons.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:41:53] Where are those dragons from? Where were those dragons the whole movie?
Paul Scheer [00:41:59] Thora Birch has like a first class seat on Dragonair.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:42:03] She has. But those aren’t the Red Dragons.
Paul Scheer [00:42:06] No.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:42:06] The Red Dragons are part of the scepter that Ridley gets when he gets into the dragon room of treasure.
Paul Scheer [00:42:14] Which, again, I just want to say the cheapest looking scepter I’ve ever seen.
June Diane Raphael [00:42:17] I couldn’t believe it.
Paul Scheer [00:42:18] My kids have higher quality Halloween costumes than those scepters.
June Diane Raphael [00:42:22] So. Okay, so but. But there’s a big plot point in the beginning of the movie that they want to get rid of her, her scepter, the current, the present scepter she has.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:42:34] They want her to, like, surrender it because they want to see him have he has a scepter at the beginning and he’s trying to control that dragon and it fails, right?
Paul Scheer [00:42:42] Yes. So everyone. I think so. In this world, dragons are things to be controlled and and everyone has a scepter. And that’s how power’s kept. It’s like we can keep this, I think. But.
June Diane Raphael [00:42:56] Yeah, but Paul, okay. Yes to all of that. But here’s where I, like, fell apart. So they, they want her to, of her own volition, surrender her own scepter. And it seems she says no.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:43:12] Yes. At the council meeting.
June Diane Raphael [00:43:13] Yeah, at the council meeting. And so then some other person, one of her mentors, tells her to get another scepter.
Paul Scheer [00:43:21] That’s the one he gets.
June Diane Raphael [00:43:22] But that’s where I got really confused. Why does she need that other scepter?
Jason Mantzoukas [00:43:29] Well, I think that the other, the other scepter seems.
June Diane Raphael [00:43:33] I’m sorry about all of this. I hate every second of this.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:43:39] So the. The scepter that controls the Red Dragons, Right. The old man, who is Marina, who is the magic school’s librarian. I think.
Paul Scheer [00:43:49] She’s a young mage. She is like a freshman in magic school.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:43:54] Okay. Okay, great. So she is in magic school here.
June Diane Raphael [00:43:58] I thought she was like a work study.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:44:02] I thought she was the librarian. I thought she was like.
Paul Scheer [00:44:04] No, the librarian is the old guy because she only has two tricks.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:44:09] I guess you’re right. Yeah. Okay, so.
Paul Scheer [00:44:11] Couple more years. She’s gonna have, like, four.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:44:13] So he’s like, there is a scroll that speaks of a scepter that controls all the Red Dragons, but beware, because it will bring about war, right?
Jason Mantzoukas [00:44:24] Yes, but this is what I don’t understand. What he keeps on saying to her and Morgan, chime in whenever you want. But what he keeps on saying to her.
Paul Scheer [00:44:37] Get Morgan’s mic on, just in case.
June Diane Raphael [00:44:37] Is that he that that when they when she gets the red scepter it’s going to somehow reveal Jeremy Irons and what his true intentions are.
Paul Scheer [00:44:46] Morgan, can you help us with any of this?
Morgan [00:44:48] I can, yeah.
Paul Scheer [00:44:49] Okay, great.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:44:49] Thank God.
June Diane Raphael [00:44:52] Put an end to it, Morgan.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:44:54] I’m just going to say right now, the t shirt should be Thank God for Morgan.
Paul Scheer [00:45:05] Dungeons Dragons and Morgan.
June Diane Raphael [00:45:08] Go ahead, Morgan.
Morgan [00:45:09] So the librarian’s idea was that if you have this backup scepter, you can give away your other scepter, but still secretly have the power to control a different group of dragons, which is like pretty silly in the context of, you know, weapons of mass destruction and and sort of a global stalemate of political power.
June Diane Raphael [00:45:32] Did she give up her back. Did she give up her scepter?
Morgan [00:45:36] She did not. Maybe because she didn’t get the backup scepter.
Paul Scheer [00:45:40] Okay. So what you’re saying is it’s like. In The Godfather where they hide a gun in the toilet. Right. So he goes, I don’t have a gun. Oh, we could trust this guy. Hold on. I gotta go to the bathroom. Gets a gun AKA scepter.
Morgan [00:45:59] It’s exactly like that.
Paul Scheer [00:46:00] Okay, great.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:46:04] How come, Morgan, is Jeremy Irons’ little CGI winged spy?
Paul Scheer [00:46:15] Which is the second spy because there’s another one in that man’s head.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:46:19] Oh, there’s a lot of ear stuff going on in this movie, but that little thing. What’s that?
Morgan [00:46:26] It’s either an imp or a quasit. It’s either a demon or a devil. It was a little unclear to me which.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:46:36] And it works for Jeremy Irons as a spy or something.
Morgan [00:46:40] Yeah, they tend to like essentially they’re. They. They’re like interns for spell casters that hope instead of getting degrees.
June Diane Raphael [00:46:48] Paid or unpaid?
Morgan [00:46:52] They work for experience.
June Diane Raphael [00:46:55] Okay.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:46:56] He’s got answer.
June Diane Raphael [00:46:58] Always does.
Paul Scheer [00:47:05] Wow. All right. I guess my final question is. Jeremy Irons seems to have eyes on the people he wants at all times, from the imp to lipstick, but they are always eluding capture in every way.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:47:27] Nor do they ever seem to really figure out they’re being spied on. They’re like, How did you know that?
Paul Scheer [00:47:34] They just seem to let them do the job.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:47:38] Everybody’s bad at every job they are they’re supposed to be doing. Everybody sucks in this movie.
Paul Scheer [00:47:45] Man. Oh, man. You know what I think now it must be time for me to go in the audience and see if anyone else besides Morgan can help clarify some things out there. Oh, you’re in a costume. You’re in. Tell me about this costume, Dutch boy. Oh, from Geostorm. Oh, my gosh.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:48:00] Geostorm!
Paul Scheer [00:48:04] All right. A great cast and both of them. All right. Your name and your question.
Audience Member [00:48:08] My name is Ashley. And what was the giant flirting Eyeball monster?
Jason Mantzoukas [00:48:13] Yeah, it’s a big, giant blob, Morgan?
Morgan [00:48:17] It’s called a beholder. It’s like a classic D&D monster. It shoots like.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:48:25] Boy, we really nailed it with you, Morgan. Holy shit. This show would be an unmitigated disaster without Morgan. And that is real.
Paul Scheer [00:48:35] All right. I have a gentleman in a Dungeons and Dragons, or at least a dragon shirt, and he’s got Dungeons and Dragons crocs. Okay.
June Diane Raphael [00:48:44] Oh, boy.
Paul Scheer [00:48:45] Your name. You’re quite. You said you’re an observation, or you could do whatever you’d like.
Audience Member [00:48:50] Hey, everybody, I’m terrified. I’m Ed. I’ve. Oh, I was going to say, my job would probably be like eating horseshit. I…
Paul Scheer [00:48:59] Morgan, Is that a profession you can have?
Jason Mantzoukas [00:49:03] Ed, if you get to do what you love, then it’s not a job. Yeah. Sorry, Morgan.
Audience Member [00:49:11] So I did. I tried to do deep dive because all these, like, weird creatures, like, none of those were actually people are characters in D&D.
June Diane Raphael [00:49:21] Well, except for the one that Morgan said.
Audience Member [00:49:23] No, I mean, all these, like, background, like Star Wars kind of, like, people in face paint. The purple guy with the third eye. I was hoping to try to get an idea that the novelization of the movie, though, is just as opaque. And I just want everybody to know that, like, don’t try to dig into that. It’s not worth it.
Paul Scheer [00:49:45] I love that.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:49:47] How many people here read the novelization of this movie. Holy shit, Ed. Impressive stuff.
June Diane Raphael [00:49:56] Do not worry, I will not be looking into this any further.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:50:01] Paul, be careful.
Paul Scheer [00:50:01] Okay. I’m going to go over here for a second. Oh, my gosh. A baby. Okay. Oh, my gosh.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:50:05] Wait, what? What do you mean, there’s a baby? There’s a. Oh, I see it. There’s a baby right at the back.
Paul Scheer [00:50:12] Well the baby didn’t have a question. I’ll come back. I’ll come back over there. All right. So you are in. You are. I need to explain this. What is it?
Jason Mantzoukas [00:50:21] Can we make? Is there more lights? Is there more I need? Oh, boy. Wow.
Paul Scheer [00:50:27] He is snails. The rocks. The rocks.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:50:31] He’s the grave of snails. Holy shit. This is iconic.
June Diane Raphael [00:50:44] Elevated.
Paul Scheer [00:50:47] All right, so you’re in a snails costume. This is awesome. I love it. What’s your name?
Audience Member [00:50:53] My name is Adam.
Paul Scheer [00:50:54] And what’s your question?
Audience Member [00:50:56] My question would be, I don’t know if you’re going to get to it.
Paul Scheer [00:51:00] This is it.
Paul Scheer [00:51:01] Yeah. We’re here.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:51:03] We are getting to it. It’s happening now, Adam.
Audience Member [00:51:06] I’m a rock.
Paul Scheer [00:51:10] This is a great question. He did say I’m a rock. He asked, Are they dead at the end? Which was a question that I thought too, because, oh, snails is dead. But then he’s like, I’m going to take you to where I am, which seems to be death.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:51:30] Well, I feel like because there seems to be some sort of like his name goes off of the rock, so and the dragon eye starts to glow and the it just when Ridley’s about to say like, can I have an exposition dump for what’s going on. The elf is like, No, no.
Paul Scheer [00:51:49] It’s almost over. Get out.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:51:51] You’ll ruin it. No, no. We’re all just going to disappear. The movie’s done.
Paul Scheer [00:51:56] Okay. You came over. I feel the energy that you have. A good question.
Audience Member [00:52:01] I have been only thinking about this for the last two days. My name is August. I work here, so I would be a commoner. And my question is, when lipstick is right before he’s about to mind meld with Marina, do you think he was actually going to have a redemption arc or do you think he was trying to manipulate her into giving him the answers and she either failed or won? In terms of interpretation?
Jason Mantzoukas [00:52:27] I don’t know. That’s the lipstick remains.
Audience Member [00:52:29] Might have significance. This film might have a little bit of depth.
Paul Scheer [00:52:31] I love it.
June Diane Raphael [00:52:35] I know it’s so hard now looking back at lipstick, because I. I really believed that his character, we spent so much time with him on the screen that I thought for sure there’s going to be some moment where we get that turn and we’re going to really land the plane with lipstick. And and I felt connected to him. But I think maybe that’s because we had just seen him in another movie, Jason.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:52:59] I also was like, Oh, I really wanted lipstick to have a moment where he turned on Jeremy Irons.
June Diane Raphael [00:53:04] Me too.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:53:05] And he was like, No, I won’t be manipulated. I won’t have your ear based parasite living inside of my head.
June Diane Raphael [00:53:12] Yeah.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:53:14] But how’s the baby doing? Honest to God, Morgan, I would kill you for that baby.
Morgan [00:53:22] Understood.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:53:24] I would kill everybody in this room for the baby, and then I would raise the baby as my own.
Paul Scheer [00:53:30] This theater is so complicated to get around.
June Diane Raphael [00:53:35] Please be careful up there, Paul.
June Diane Raphael [00:53:38] Be careful.
Paul Scheer [00:53:39] The true balcony now.
June Diane Raphael [00:53:41] It really is.
Paul Scheer [00:53:42] What’s up? I’m in the back row of the top balcony. I only ask this every now and then when I might use. I hope you don’t get insulted by this. How old are you?
Audience Member [00:53:53] 14 years young.
Paul Scheer [00:53:57] Great. You are two years older than the show or maybe one year. I don’t know.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:54:01] One year older than the show.
Paul Scheer [00:54:02] Okay. What is your name and your question?
Audience Member [00:54:08] My name is Finn. I’m usually the Dungeon master, but.
Paul Scheer [00:54:13] All right. So, Finn, first question. How’s Morgan doing?
June Diane Raphael [00:54:18] I don’t know what that means but I’m so happy.
Paul Scheer [00:54:20] How is Morgan doing? As another person who knows Dungeons and Dragons.
Audience Member [00:54:25] We love Morgan. He’s doing fantastic work. He is great.
Audience [00:54:37] Finn, Finn, Finn, Finn!
Audience Member [00:54:40] Okay, So, yeah. During the scene where, you know, Ripley or whatever his name is, he like, comes out of the dungeon.
Paul Scheer [00:54:53] How much better would this movie be if Sigourney Weaver as Ripley was instead in the lead role? Sorry. Go ahead.
Audience Member [00:55:02] When he comes out of like the cave with the party city staff, lipstick guy’s like I’ll let her go if you give me the staff. And he’s like, fine. And then lipstick let’s go for a second. And he’s like, You promised! He’s like, I lied. It was like, the weirdest thing. It feels like. I don’t know.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:55:31] You’re saying this movie doesn’t make much sense.
Audience Member [00:55:34] Thank you. I am. But I don’t know if lipstick Guy has any, like, moral compass or whatever. But that was the most eight year old way of putting it where it’s like, Actually.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:55:47] And that’s coming from a 14 year old.
Paul Scheer [00:55:49] That’s true. All right, How do I get?
Jason Mantzoukas [00:55:54] This kid gets it. But I’d still kill him for the baby.
Paul Scheer [00:55:56] I don’t know. I don’t know how I’m going to get over to you. It seems deadly. Let me try, if I can.
June Diane Raphael [00:56:03] Paul.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:56:05] Careful near the edge.
Paul Scheer [00:56:06] All right. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. All right. Thank you. So sorry.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:56:10] That balcony is very high up, I will say. It scares me from where we are, by the way, now that full house lights are up. Gorgeous theater, Philly. Gorgeous theater.
Paul Scheer [00:56:21] Love this theater. Okay. Hi. How are you? Your name and your question.
Audience Member [00:56:26] My name is Adelaide. And my friends and I watched it earlier and we gave an ungodly amount of time to the consideration of the breastplate. And like, what did it look like aroused breasts with no nipples going on? Like the kind of statue, Right? And then, like. And then like also, how much better would the movie have been if the two lead characters had come from the year 2000?
Paul Scheer [00:56:46] That would be amazing, right? They would be like a like the Connecticut Yankee King Arthur’s court. Like that kind of vibe?
Audience Member [00:56:52] Exactly. You get me.
Paul Scheer [00:56:53] Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, look, they definitely.
June Diane Raphael [00:56:56] Just to address the breastplate for a second. And I it was strange because I did. I thought about it a lot, too. Oh, thought about it.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:57:04] I haven’t stopped thinking about it, and I’m going to think about it a lot in the hotel later.
June Diane Raphael [00:57:11] I was like the. I had the same questions, which were, Is the breastplate preparing for boobs that are always erect, or are those just where the wow and are they customized per person, or is that just like your standard breastplate?
Jason Mantzoukas [00:57:32] That’s what I was going to say I wonder if the armor is is bespoke for each warrior and in which case, how do I become the person that makes that armor or at least does the measurements?
Paul Scheer [00:57:45] All right I have a question here. Another back row question, Standing room question. All right, you’re ready. All right. Your name, your question. What do you got?
Audience Member [00:57:54] I’m Rachel. I had hoped to be an elf. Marina very clearly has glasses on in the library scene and then loses them in the kerfuffle of, like, exiting that space and then seemingly just doesn’t need glasses for the rest of the film. And I’m really, like, confused about this.
Paul Scheer [00:58:13] So much so that her wanted poster doesn’t even have the glasses on it. And most people would recognize her as someone who would have glasses on, like if you were to draw also terrible drawing of somebody.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:58:26] I think that at once in the first scene, she’s a nerdy, she’s in the library, and then she takes her glasses off, let her hair down and is beautiful and gorgeous for the rest of the movie. Alas, she’s all that.
June Diane Raphael [00:58:39] And that hair comes down so quickly.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:58:42] Oh, yeah.
June Diane Raphael [00:58:43] And it stays down.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:58:44] Oh, yeah. It’s like baba vavoom. Okay, Get get her a breastplate.
June Diane Raphael [00:58:54] It is one of my favorite tropes in movies in general that, like, we cannot find women attractive if their hair are up.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:59:02] Yes. And they’re wearing glasses.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:59:03] It’s too much to imagine.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:59:06] If they’re wearing glasses. They’re fucking gross.
Paul Scheer [00:59:09] Now, June, what I will say to you, I love you with the hair up and I love with glasses on.
June Diane Raphael [00:59:13] I know you do. He does.
Paul Scheer [00:59:16] All right. I hope this question can conservatively take a ten minute long answer, because that’s what was just presented to me as far as how to get back down. So when I just asked for directions, it was like, okay, go down. The brown says, make a left, go make a right, because then you go over to the elevator to, yes.
June Diane Raphael [00:59:33] I don’t think we’ll see you again, Paul. Like maybe you.
Jason Mantzoukas [00:59:39] I feel like the brown stairs definitely go to the bathroom.
Paul Scheer [00:59:42] Your name?
Audience Member [00:59:43] My name is Mark. And I would be a trap. Rug weaver.
Paul Scheer [00:59:46] Ooh, a trap rug. Weaver. Okay. And your question?
Audience Member [00:59:48] I have a question for Morgan, unfortunately.
June Diane Raphael [00:59:51] Wow.
Paul Scheer [00:59:53] Fortunately.
Audience Member [00:59:55] So when the party goes to heal Ridley with elf Doctor Who, they, he explains that dragons were related to magic in some incredibly convoluted way. So dragons are magic. Morgan, are dragons a natural resource?
Paul Scheer [01:00:11] Great question for Morgan. I’m gone.
Jason Mantzoukas [01:00:14] Whoa, Slow down, Paul.
Morgan [01:00:17] No, sorry.
Jason Mantzoukas [01:00:18] Okay. That answer was not long enough to cover Paul’s descent.
Morgan [01:00:26] I do have a question, actually.
Jason Mantzoukas [01:00:27] Oh, Morgan has a question. Yeah, okay. Okay. No, Morgan knows his place.
Morgan [01:00:38] I know my place.
Jason Mantzoukas [01:00:39] And it’s amongst you.
Morgan [01:00:41] Yes.
Jason Mantzoukas [01:00:41] The baby, though. Ooh, I want the baby on stage so bad. Okay, go ahead, Morgan. What’s your question?
Morgan [01:00:49] Why did Lipstick think he was acting in a credible movie? Because he had a lot of like, gravitas and pregnant pauses in his delivery. And it was blowing my mind a little bit.
Jason Mantzoukas [01:01:00] I think that he and Jeremy Irons, especially because they shared so many scenes together, they were going for it.
June Diane Raphael [01:01:07] Yeah. And tonally they were matching each other.
Jason Mantzoukas [01:01:11] Yes. It was like a Meisner exercise.
June Diane Raphael [01:01:13] Yeah, it was a mirror exercise, but. Yeah. You know.
Jason Mantzoukas [01:01:21] Here’s what I’ll say. I think the only person who can answer that question is you, Morgan.
June Diane Raphael [01:01:27] I’ll turn it back to you. I’m so scared when Morgan’s asking us questions.
Jason Mantzoukas [01:01:31] Oh, I feel really on the spot.
Morgan [01:01:36] It was just always in my head while I’m watching every scene with this guy.
June Diane Raphael [01:01:39] Oh, yeah. I know, I know. To go back to that gentleman’s question before Morgan, because you gave such a brief answer, Paul’s back.
Paul Scheer [01:01:47] And by the way, can we get the people to come on down? And Morgan we’ll have to take you’re mic in a second.
June Diane Raphael [01:01:52] Sorry. Sorry, Morgan But just be before you take his mic away. I want to ask you one other question, Paul.
Jason Mantzoukas [01:01:57] We can pull one of these, I bet.
June Diane Raphael [01:01:59] Because I know I know you said that that elves aren’t a natural resource, but. That moment when they said, we are magic. You used the mages used magic, and the commoners, I guess, or the thieves don’t even think they can have anything to do with it. But the elves actually are magic. Does that does that resonate with your understanding of this world?
Morgan [01:02:24] No.
June Diane Raphael [01:02:26] There it is again. Okay.
Morgan [01:02:28] Made up whole cloth for the movie.
Jason Mantzoukas [01:02:30] Thank God for Morgan’s brevity. Yeah, because sometimes people are like, I’ve got power now. I’m holding the mic.
Paul Scheer [01:02:40] All right, well, here it is, people. Obviously, we have opinions. We have thoughts about this movie. There are people out there with different opinions, different thought. It is now time for second opinions.
Audience Member [01:02:54] I do need I do need a little help. I need a little beat. Not too fast, but can I get a stomp, clap, stomp, clap. In West Philadelphia, bored and crazed on Amazon is where I spent most of my days. Chilling out. Max In relaxing all cool. Watching some movies and then leaving reviews. When a couple of users who were frankly wrong try to say my favorite movie was a bomb. I read one bad review that said they weren’t entertained and thought, You’re not giving enough credit to Marlon Wayans. I logged in, cracked my knuckles and started to type in a case for why D&D is more than all right, publish my thoughts and admire my bars. And that’s my second opinion as the Prince of five stars.
Paul Scheer [01:03:41] What’s your name?
Audience Member [01:03:41] My name is Abby.
Paul Scheer [01:03:43] Thank you, Abby. All right. These are five star reviews pulled from Amazon. There are 2590 reviews, 2590 reviews. 59%. Five star, 59%. A five star.
Jason Mantzoukas [01:04:09] Holy shit. Did we blow it? David writes, title, it’s a good movie. Then he writes, “I like spending time watching movies with my loved ones, and definitely this is a cool one. Five stars.
June Diane Raphael [01:04:32] Is there any way people were reviewing the 2023 movie?
Paul Scheer [01:04:37] As a matter of fact, as I’m looking at the dates here. Yeah.
June Diane Raphael [01:04:41] Yeah. Yeah.
Jason Mantzoukas [01:04:47] Holy shit. That’s amazing. Are any of those reviews, Paul, from 2000?
Paul Scheer [01:04:57] I have some that were before the movie came out. But this one I’ll read regardless of what it was from, because it seems to not even make a difference. Michael Emmerich writes, “I have what I wanted. Five stars.”
June Diane Raphael [01:05:19] Terrifying. Absolutely terrifying.
Paul Scheer [01:05:24] This one written back in 2022 by Rick McGlargen says this.
June Diane Raphael [01:05:30] Not a real name.
Jason Mantzoukas [01:05:34] McGlargen? Of the Philadelphia McGlargens? You know, Ricky McGlargs.
June Diane Raphael [01:05:41] I do feel like if you’re if you become an adult with that name, you change, you change it.
Jason Mantzoukas [01:05:46] Or it’s like with the bar, everyone goes, I’ll meet you at McGlargens.
June Diane Raphael [01:05:51] So hard to say.
Paul Scheer [01:05:52] Where everyone forgets your name. McGlargens. McGlargen titles his review. “Good movie if you like this stuff like I do.” The review reads “I’m very into Dragon. Magic. Knights, fiction or fantasy. So I liked it. Five stars.”
June Diane Raphael [01:06:18] Fair enough.
Jason Mantzoukas [01:06:19] Why not again, by the way, why not? You nailed it, McGlargen.
Paul Scheer [01:06:24] In this one by Dan Krieg, written in 2013. The title is “I’ve seen this movie before” and the review goes like this. “I like this kind of movie. I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know what else to say. Five stars.”
Jason Mantzoukas [01:06:44] Wow.
June Diane Raphael [01:06:45] Wow. To sign on to your Amazon account, to log in. Like, wow.
Jason Mantzoukas [01:06:54] Do you think that if they had brought snails’ body to the elves, they could have healed him the same way they seemed to be able to heal Ridley?
Paul Scheer [01:07:03] I was thinking that. Why wouldn’t they?
Jason Mantzoukas [01:07:05] Why not? Why not just heal everybody if you can? They take them all to the tree City on Koushik and are like, Here’s the deal. That’s a Star Wars reference.
June Diane Raphael [01:07:15] Yeah, I didn’t get it.
Jason Mantzoukas [01:07:16] And seem to be able to heal Ridley from death. Ridley Ridley’s like and they’re like, We’re bringing them back with just hands on a Hardbody.
Paul Scheer [01:07:25] Well, here’s what I’ll say. I also was confused at the end because.
Jason Mantzoukas [01:07:31] I just want one more thing in that Elven city when they’re in the thing and Ridley comes back to life. He and Marina have a make out. Yeah, and the little imp is watching like a fucking creep.
Paul Scheer [01:07:43] I wrote that.
Jason Mantzoukas [01:07:44] He’s creeping on them like hehehe. Like I get to watch them. He’s like a little perv. Morgan, are there pervs in D&D?
Morgan [01:07:54] Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Paul Scheer [01:07:57] I will say, and not to be too gross about it, but I felt like the angle that they shot that little imp like you saw his little it looked like you saw his dick.
Jason Mantzoukas [01:08:09] And you thought it was little. You’re saying you thought it was little? Because it seemed like a normal adult dick. Right?
Paul Scheer [01:08:18] So that’s what happens there. What do we think people what do we think here?
June Diane Raphael [01:08:27] I will say this, so I haven’t seen the new Dungeons and Dragons movie and I am excited. This is my overall review, excited to see another Dungeons and Dragons movie, which is the 2023 one. Yeah.
Jason Mantzoukas [01:08:41] Oh, it’s fantastic. Genuinely.
Paul Scheer [01:08:43] Yeah, I love it.
Jason Mantzoukas [01:08:44] Morgan, how did you feel about the recent Dungeons Dragons movie?
Morgan [01:08:48] I thought it was a lot of fun. I thought that it mirrored the structure of a D&D campaign a hell of a lot better than this one did. It’s a great movie.
Jason Mantzoukas [01:08:56] Yeah, it’s a great movie. It’s a blast. I thought it was a fun ride. This movie. This movie to me feels like it’s. It’s not even getting to, like, willow levels of interest for me, you know?
Paul Scheer [01:09:09] All right, So would you recommend this movie? I’m going to go first and say, no, I didn’t find it to be enjoyable enough. Like, you can definitely watch all the Jeremy Irons scenes on YouTube, and I think that would be fine.
June Diane Raphael [01:09:25] I do, Yeah. I mean, it was so I had a crazy experience watching this because we’ve again, we’ve been watching these movies during this tour for how many days now? Five? And so we are deranged. We are a deranged people. And so I didn’t mind watching this in compare in comparison to some of the other films we’ve seen this week.
June Diane Raphael [01:09:47] So to be A How did this get made completists, sure, why not? But I will say, as I have said for many other movies in the past, it is perfectly okay to fast forward through, you know, like I scrubbed a lot of 30 seconds forward, 30 seconds forward when they were just walking between places. There’s a lot of there’s a lot of like just like stuff in there. There’s a lot of filler.
Paul Scheer [01:10:09] I will say this and this really was hard for me and I didn’t know how else to do it, but my audio was not sync with my video.
June Diane Raphael [01:10:17] Neither was mine. Neither was mine.
Paul Scheer [01:10:19] I complained today about it.
Jason Mantzoukas [01:10:22] To who?
Paul Scheer [01:10:23] To Apple because I think it’s an internal issue.
June Diane Raphael [01:10:25] Did you write a review?
Paul Scheer [01:10:26] And it was so weird. It made the movie ten times more frustrating to hear like ouch. And then all of a sudden you see the thing that happened.
Jason Mantzoukas [01:10:35] I hope that someone at Apple is like, Hey, you know, the comedian. Paul Scheer Yeah. So he’s like emailing me about the sync on the Dungeons and Dragons movie? Oh, that’s a great movie. No, no, not the recent one.
June Diane Raphael [01:10:52] Like, like with her children, hearing all that was going on today, getting here from New York, When did you have time to write that email?
Paul Scheer [01:10:59] I’m busy. I got a lot of stuff I do like.
Jason Mantzoukas [01:11:02] We also have received like 300 boxes of horse shit from Philly.
Paul Scheer [01:11:08] Again, I have to get stuff done. I’ll tell you one thing, just a couple of fun facts about it. Like I mentioned, the guy who directed it was supposed to just produce it and whenever people say, Hey, this movie sucked, he’s like, Hey, I was just trying to produce it. But you did direct it. The main actor never played Dungeons and Dragons. He goes, I tried to watch some games, but it just felt like people were arguing. So I trusted the script.
Jason Mantzoukas [01:11:36] I trusted the script. First mistake.
Paul Scheer [01:11:40] Now, Morgan, you may or may not agree with this or not, but it seems like the director decided to focus. He created a generic setting, loosely based on a lesser known game setting called Mystara. And he used, he felt like if he used anything from the game it’d confuse viewers, he decided to confuse viewers on his own without having anything to relate to. And that’s really all I will say this, the other thing that’s interesting about this movie is the budget was $45 million, 45 million.
Jason Mantzoukas [01:12:15] That can’t be true. If it is, somebody needs to do forensic accounting to find out where that money went.
Paul Scheer [01:12:26] I think it went to all the CGI dragon’s blood.
Jason Mantzoukas [01:12:29] Oh, you’re right. There is CGI nonsense. So maybe that.
Paul Scheer [01:12:33] Opening weekend, 7 million domestic gross, 15 million. The tagline, “It’s no game.”
Jason Mantzoukas [01:12:45] That’s it? Jesus Christ.
Paul Scheer [01:12:51] It’s no game.
June Diane Raphael [01:12:52] Wow. Yeah, It’s like it’s not. It’s not just a game. It’s. It’s no game.
Paul Scheer [01:12:56] It’s no game. Now I feel like we normally go and debate what the shirt should be, but really, the shirt to me feels like it’s just Morgan.
Jason Mantzoukas [01:13:05] Yeah.
Paul Scheer [01:13:08] I’m the Morgan of my group?
Jason Mantzoukas [01:13:10] I’m the Morgan of my group or Philly’s own Morgan.
Paul Scheer [01:13:16] Morgans & Dragons. Morgans & Dragons in the font of Dungeons and Dragons.
Jason Mantzoukas [01:13:29] Morgan, are you happy with that?
Morgan [01:13:31] Can I be riding a dragon in it?
Jason Mantzoukas [01:13:33] What’s that?
Morgan [01:13:33] Can I be riding a dragon in it?
Paul Scheer [01:13:37] Morgan, come close to me. Yeah.
Jason Mantzoukas [01:13:41] Can we get house lights?
Paul Scheer [01:13:44] I got a picture.
Audience [01:13:45] (Chanting “Morgan”)
Jason Mantzoukas [01:13:52] Give it up for Morgan! Give it up for the baby!
Paul Scheer [01:14:06] Give it up for Jason and June! Thank you, Philly! Thank you, Top Balcony. Thank you, Middle mez. Thank you, orchestra. Thank you for coming out. Good night, everybody.
Jason Mantzoukas [01:14:15] That’s right, eat shit, Philly!
Paul Scheer [01:14:19] And what a show. Wow. That was a fun episode. Thank you so much to the staff at the Miller Theater, our amazing tour manager, Beth Thomas, and all of you in Philadelphia who made it such a great time. And I have to give a special thank you to the one and only Morgan, who is the subject of our Morgan and Dragons shirt, which is finally back up for sale on Teepublic.com/stores/HDTGM. I love this shirt. Get that shirt. We’ve had two banger shirts between that and Ben Cannon. You can’t go wrong with the merch that we’re making. Anyway, if you’ve been wanting to attend one of our live shows and you maybe have been like, Well, I can’t travel to the States, don’t worry, we’re coming to Europe. Well, that’s really only good if you live in Europe. That’s right. We are going to be in Europe for the first time ever. How Did This Get Made is going on a European tour to the UK and Ireland from March 28th to April 3rd, 2024, We’ll be traveling across the pond to London, Glasgow, Belfast and Dublin. Tickets are on sale now at HDTGM.com and once we select the movies for each show, you will find those listed there as well. People, now we can talk about all the things that we’re doing and all the things that we are supporting. I want to just give a huge shout out to the great Lower Decks on Paramount plus, I love doing that show and I wasn’t able to talk about it throughout the entire season because we were on strike. If you haven’t watched it, just jump in. You don’t have to know anything about Star Trek. It’s just a funny fucking comedy show that happens to take place in the Star Trek universe. Again, Family Switch is on Netflix, was the number one movie in the world. Wow. How about that? And Disturbance in the Force, I think has a 100% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, or at least the last time I checked. And that is a documentary about the making of the Star Wars holiday special. It’s a lot of plugs for Scheer, but you know what? I got things to plug. Anyway, heads up. Next week I will be taking a Last Looks off for New Year’s. That’s right. I take a break. And don’t worry, though, because in its place we will be rereleasing a how did this get made classic episode on the movie Anaconda with guest Michael Ian Black. If you want to find out what our next movie is going to be, make sure to tune in to the Anaconda rerelease because I will announce our next movie at the top of that episode. So don’t worry, we’ll still be covering Dungeons & Dragons on a future super sized last looks. But that doesn’t mean that just because we’re not doing it next week, you don’t have to send us corrections and omissions. Please do that still. Give us a call at 619-PAUL-ASK. Write a comment on our discord. At discord.gg/HDTGM. And remember, you can find us everywhere online @HDTGM and make sure to follow us on threads. And lastly, I got to say thank you to our entire behind the scenes team who keeps the show running. I’m talking about our producers, Scott Sonne, Molly Reynolds and our movie picking producer Avril Halley, our engineers Casey Holford and Rich Garcia, and our associate producer Jess Cisneros, who makes our amazing social media videos. But even more importantly, I have to thank all of you listeners who support the show. And as of last week, how did this get made has been going on for 13 years. That’s right. 13 years. And we couldn’t continue doing this show without such a loving, dedicated fanbase and team behind the scenes. Thank you, Earwolf. Thank you, Sirius. Thank you, listeners. We love you all. We appreciate you all. We are so thrilled when you buy a ticket or a T-shirt. Truly. And I go into this new year just happy that we’ve had you for 13 years. Can’t wait to continue in year 14. See you in 2024.
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