EP. 240 — Nicole Loves a Dung Beetle

NICOLE: Hello, Sasheer!

SASHEER: Hello, Nicole.

NICOLE: How are you? Yes! You better give me a cough.

SASHEER: We have COVID.

NICOLE: We have COVID! Coronavirus! What is this, 2020?

SASHEER: I know. A real blast from the past. Who does that?

NICOLE: I don’t know. It’s so wild. It’s very upsetting. I don’t like it. I woke up this morning and my eyeballs hurt. That’s a new one.

SASHEER: That is a new one. I have not experienced that.

NICOLE: Yeah, it’s like they did not want to open. And I was like, “oh my goodness, what’s happening?” I wanted to put a little eye mask on–those ones that you put in the freezer–but I didn’t have one!

SASHEER: You can order one.

NICOLE: From the internet?

SASHEER: Or from the store. They are probably at CVS or something.

NICOLE: Oh, you think?

SASHEER: Or Wholefoods or… Yeah.

NICOLE: Also, my eyes were leaking all last night.

SASHEER: Like, watering or leaking some other kind of fluid?

NICOLE: I woke up with crusties around my eyes, so, like, white crust. So, I was like, “Was I crying in my sleep?”

SASHEER: Oh no.

NICOLE: I don’t know if you felt like this, but at one point last night… So–okay–we were together for 14 days. And last night at–I don’t know–midnight, I was like, “Huh. I wonder what Sasheer is doing. I wonder if she misses me. I wonder.” Did you?

SASHEER: Yeah, I was dead asleep at midnight, but… Yeah. I was dreaming real hard about how much I missed you.

NICOLE: Well, I just, like, had someone to talk to all the time. And then I just have Clyde–who’s great–but he doesn’t talk back no matter how often or how much I ask him to.

SASHEER: I mean, you can still get those little buttons and he can talk back.

NICOLE: Well, our friend, Tessa, told me that that dog who speaks with buttons now has depression because he knows too much and has figured out what its reflection was in the mirror and now gets sad because he’s like, “Why am I a dog?” And I don’t want Clyde to know he’s a dog.

SASHEER: That’s a good point.

NICOLE: Yeah, I don’t want him to be depressed. No way.

SASHEER: Yeah, it was a great 14 days.

NICOLE: I had a nice time. What was your favorite part of Africa?

SASHEER: Yes. We went to South Africa and… What was my favorite part? Maybe the train. We took the Rovos Rail, and it was a five-day, four-night trip from Pretoria to Victoria Falls, going through Zimbabwe. Yeah, it was just old-timey and cute and quaint. And we got dressed up for the dinners. And you were encouraged to, like, make friends. And we actually made friends with people.

NICOLE: We did. Before we left, I was like, “Sasheer! I want to make international friends.” Like, Matteo has friends in Rome, and we have other friends who have friends in different places. And I was like, “Let’s make international friends!” And we made friends, and they live in Connecticut. And I was like, “I cannot believe we traveled 20 hours to Africa to meet people from Connecticut.” But they’re really wonderful. And I really like them. And they instantly started roasting me. And I liked that. I was like, “Ooh, okay. These people are fun.”

SASHEER: Yeah. Yeah. The train was really… In my older age, I’m liking trains more and more.

NICOLE: Yeah. To the point where you’re like, “When I have my own train company…”

SASHEER: “When I do my own train company, I’m gonna do it differently.”

NICOLE: I really liked the train. I really loved sleeping on the train because I never went to sleepaway camp, and it felt like sleepaway camp.

SASHEER: It is like, “Everyone get to your bunks!”

NICOLE: Yeah. And I really enjoyed dressing up every night for dinner because I felt like, “What is everyone wearing? Who’s wearing what?” And we were the best dressed of the whole train. I think we won the award of best dressed passengers. That’s what I think we won.

SASHEER: Yeah, I agree. We kept trying to get awards for our travel, like Best Listener on the Bus, Best Passenger on the Plane… And I think we won all of them.

NICOLE: I consistently won Best Listener on the Bus because people don’t listen to the bus driver. I was like, “Well, I’ll respond.”

SASHEER: It would be funny because we’d be, like, in a passenger van going from point A to point B, and then the driver would just be, like, either giving a tour or asking questions. And then you’d be the only one just like, “Yeah! Oh… Oh, yeah. Well, no. It is hot.”

NICOLE: I just didn’t want them talking to nobody. It was making me sad, so I was like, “Okay, I’ll respond.” and then sometimes I got too sassy. One of the bus drivers was like, “How do you find Africa?” And I heard: “How did you find Africa?” And I was like, “Well, I sit at home and look at my globe.” And you were like, “No, how do you like Africa?” And I was like, “Oh no!” And I was humiliated.

SASHEER: It was very funny.

NICOLE: Oh, it was so embarrassing. My favorite part… I have told you several times. Okay, so we did this thing in Victoria Falls called the Devil’s Pool. Now, all they tell you about the Devil’s Pool is you get to sit in a waterfall. That’s so exciting. And we’ve been sitting for five days on a train, and nobody told us that we needed to become Michael Phelps and fucking parkour people because you have to walk sideways on the slippery, most jagged rocks. Also, they were like, “You guys could get water shoes if you want.” And I was like, “I don’t know.” And then I was like, “Well, I am wearing sneakers, and apparently we’re going in water. I’ll get water shoes.” So, all the water shoes didn’t fit me, so this lady handed me a red pair of Crocs. And I was like, “Oh yeah, these fit. I’ll put them in Sport Mode.” And they were the only pair of red Crocs. So, I was like, “I’ve been anointed.” And then we trapeze over these rocks with, like, a nice white family. And you go over so many rocks, and then you swim against a current–the strongest current I’ve ever been in. And I was winded. And then Sasheer emerged as a different human. Her eyes were big, her teeth were bared–

SASHEER: Well, at the beginning, they were like… First of all, they never said you had to swim at all. I don’t think it was on the brochure. I don’t think they said it in the orientation. When you get to the falls, they’re like, “You guys can swim, right?” And everyone was like, “Yeah!” And I was like, “Yeah?” I’m assuming they mean comfortable in the water–you can, like, handle yourself with the water. I didn’t know I was, like, freestyle swimming against a current!

NICOLE: Against the current in one of the largest waterfalls in the world. And then you have to swim against two different currents and then climb up more rocks and then, like, boot-scoot down into the fall. And we were with this nice lady from Africa. I think she was from Zimbabwe. And she had heard about it, and she had never done it, so she came alone because she’s brave. She told them, “I absolutely cannot swim. “So, she held on to a man’s back, and he swam her out there. And then you take pictures at the edge of the waterfall. And the way they hold you from not going over is they literally hold your legs. That’s it. You just trust two men to hold your legs over the biggest waterfall–one of the biggest waterfalls in the world. And this woman was so brave and brazen and was taking pictures. She was out there. I was like, “If she moves the wrong way, this lady’s done for.”

SASHEER: Yeah. She was twisting and turning and posing all over the place, and I was like, “I cannot believe she’s doing that.”

NICOLE: Also, fish bite your legs. And then they tell you to keep your legs down, but then you want to raise them because there’s fish biting them.

SASHEER: They’re like, “Ignore it! Ignore it!” I’m like, “I’m consistently getting bit right now!”

NICOLE: But that was my absolute favorite. Watching Sasheer slowly descend into madness was really incredible. But I kept telling you that you were doing a good job because you were doing a really, really, really great job. And then we took our pictures. And then at one point Sasheer was like, “I’ve had enough!” All of her teeth were out.

SASHEER: Well, they also kept telling me when I was in my individual picture, “Get closer to the edge.” And I was like, “Are you crazy? No.” And they’re like, “No! Get closer to the edge! It’s fine!” I was like, “It’s not.” There’s, like, pictures of me screaming. And then they’re like, “Okay, go on your back.” And I’m like, “Okay.” And I look so uncomfortable.

NICOLE: All of the pictures are my absolute favorite. It was very much a Nicole activity. And everyone was like, “We should all leave! We gotta get out of here!” But I was like, “We can’t just sit here for a while?” There was two rainbows. There was so much water. It was one of the most… I know this is going to sound insane. It was one of the most serene I’ve felt in a very long time. I think water just really makes me feel good. And I was like, “I’m not in danger. These people aren’t going to let us die. That would be bad for business.”

SASHEER: It would really put a stain on their track record.

NICOLE: It really would because they said, “Nobody’s died,” even though you sign a thing before you go that if you die, you can’t sue them or nothing like that. And you have to give them their email. And I was like, “What, are you going to email me that I’m dead? What?”

SASHEER: “Whoops. You didn’t make it back.”

NICOLE: And then when we had to swim back. Again, it’s against the current. This man pointed at Sasheer and went, “You. You come forward. She is the weakest swimmer.”

SASHEER: In front of everybody!

NICOLE: And I just went, “Sasheer, you won something!”

SASHEER: I was like, “You don’t have to say it in front of everybody.”

NICOLE: And what did that man say to you when we were walking back?

SASHEER: Oh my God. He, like, looked at me, and he was like, “Don’t you do sports?” This is one of the guides who worked there. I guess he’s implying, like, I look like I should be more fit than I am. And I was like, “Wow. Well, I’m not. I do Pilates. That doesn’t require a lot of cardio.”

NICOLE: And then at one point, before we swam against the last current, Sasheer said, “I’m done. I don’t want to do this.” We’re in the middle of a waterfall.

SASHEER: I was not close to being done. I swam halfway, and I was like, “You guys have to figure out how to get me out of here. I don’t want to do that anymore.”

NICOLE: It was so funny.

SASHEER: And also, I was like, “Why can’t I get the treatment like the other lady? I want to ride somebody’s back. I give up.” And I think they were like, “Well, we have seen that you can swim, so you have to finish.” And I’m like, “I don’t want to anymore. I don’t have confidence in my swimming anymore. I don’t want to do this anymore.” And then there was also a rope that I saw at the end that went from, like, point A to point B. And a whole group of people were using the rope before we got in to exit. So, I was like, “Oh, that’s how we’ll exit.” And they’re like, “No, you have to swim again.” And I was like, “But why can’t I use the rope?” And the guy just laughed at me.

NICOLE: Also, I was like, “Bring back profiling.” Somebody should have pointed at me and been like, “You are fat. Do you think you can accomplish this?” And then I would have thought twice about doing it. But they looked at this big fat body and said, “Eh. She’ll do it.” I couldn’t believe it. I was like, “Point out the fatties, and ask them how active they are.”

SASHEER: “Bring back profiling.”

NICOLE: I couldn’t believe it because I was winded by the end. I was like, “This was a lot.” And then it was like, “What if I was too fat and couldn’t do it?” I don’t think any of those men were strong enough to swim with me on their back against a current. That’s a lot of weight!

SASHEER: I don’t know. I don’t know what they do in those circumstances.

NICOLE: Maybe they would have let us use the rope if I was like, “I’m too fat. Let me get on your back.” And they’d be like, “No, ma’am. You certainly will not.”

SASHEER: Yeah. Well, you should have done that for all of us!

NICOLE: Well, I really was having fun. And then we get back, and I gave the shoes I rented back to the woman. And she was like, “These aren’t your shoes?” And I was like, “No, I rented them.” She was like, “These are someone’s shoes.” And I was like, “What?” She’s like, “You took someone’s shoes.” They rented me someone’s shoes that they left to go.

SASHEER: It’s funny that you paid to wear someone else’s shoes.

NICOLE: I paid to stick my naked foot in somebody else’s Croc–

SASHEER: Ew.

NICOLE: That I stretched out a little because I had to put them in Sport Mode so they wouldn’t fall off my feet. And I was wondering why they had a singular pair of red Crocs for the anointed. And it turns out it was just a mistake and I’m not anointed.

SASHEER: You’re a thief.

NICOLE: But after we were done, I was like, “Sasheer, I think I’m going to move to Zimbabwe during the low season, get a job as a tour guide, and, like, go stay at Victoria Falls all day, every day.” And I told this to my friend Evan, and he was like, “When you don’t have COVID and you’re home for a little bit and your life picks up again, sleep on it.” But in my heart of hearts, I really want it. I really want to.

SASHEER: Be a Victoria Falls tour guide?

NICOLE: I do. On the Zambia side so I guess I’d have to move to Zambia not Zimbabwe. Or I could do crossing the border every day, which was the most hectic thing in the world. There was two people working. All they do is stamp your passport. But it takes so long and there’s so many people and there’s no definitive lines. Nowhere in Africa is there one line. There’s hundreds of different lines. And you can cut the lines if you want, and nobody will say anything.

SASHEER: Yeah, it did feel like the whole trip there was, like, no rules. There’s really never any rules anywhere.

NICOLE: No. And then I used this at the airport. When we were leaving Kenya, I was like, “We’re not diplomats, but this line’s shorter.” And sure enough, we got our passports looked at.

SASHEER: We went to the United Nations diplomats’ line, and they didn’t care.

NICOLE: They didn’t give two shits. And I was like, “You know, I kind of like this.” But yeah, if I could go back there–if I could snap my fingers and be sitting in that waterfall–I would. I loved it so much.

SASHEER: Yeah, well, I’m glad.

NICOLE: Ugh. Thank you. “She is the weakest swimmer.”

SASHEER: And the mom of that nice white family that was with us was like, “We don’t hold it against you. We’ve all been swimming our whole lives,” and, like, I guess assuming that I have not. And I wanted to be like, “I’m glad you understand that not all Black people swim.” She gets it.

NICOLE: She gets it. She understands the racial connotations of putting a Black person in water. Not all of us swim. But I do. I swim. I told you about my earliest memory of a pool. I was little. I think I was, like, four, maybe five. My mom put me and my sister in swimming pretty early. I don’t remember my sister being there. But anyway, we were wearing little floaties. And I remember being like, “Oh, I can’t wait to get in this big pool.” And then the nice lady teaching us was saying something. I don’t know. I don’t listen because I didn’t come here to learn. I came here to do my own thing. And I remember her saying, “Don’t lean over.” And I said, “Lean over?” And I leaned over and I was playing in the water and I was like, “Ooh, this is fun. I can’t wait to get in.” And then I fell in. And then I, like, looked up, and I could see the outside. And I was like, “Huh. This isn’t good. I don’t know if this is good! This might be bad!” And then she, like, scooped me out, and I was like, “Hmm. I think I almost died. But I like the water.” And that was my first experience almost dying in water. And I was like, “I’m a water baby! I gotta get in this all the time.”

SASHEER: Oooh. Do you think because of that experience you also like the element of almost dying in water?

NICOLE: No, because when we went to the beach and I dove into the wave wrong and I got all sandy and twisted and turned around, I didn’t like that very much.

SASHEER: Yeah, we went to the… Which island was that?

NICOLE: That was the Seychelles–an island I’ve wanted to go to for years.

SASHEER: But we went to La Digue that day. Then we went to the beach. First, we walked into the water in matching swimsuits and just, like, pranced in there. And then we were like, “Oh, these waves are kind of rough. We should take our sunglasses off.” So, then we pranced out of the water, put our sunglasses away, and pranced back into the water. And then a wave was coming towards us. And then I turned around because I didn’t want the wave to fully knock me over. And you were gone. And then I turned around, and you had just sand all on your face–all in your hair. And you’re like, “How come you’re still standing?” And I was like, “I turned around. I planted my feet.”

NICOLE: And I was like, “Oh, you didn’t lean into the wave and just let it take you?”

SASHEER: Put your face first into the wave.

NICOLE: I was like, “Everyone on this beach probably laughed so hard. The two women in matching bathing suits first prance in, prance out, and go back in. And one gets just immediately taken by a wave.”

SASHEER: It was very funny.

NICOLE: So, on the way to La Digue, we took a yacht because we’re opulent and that’s what you do. It was pretty choppy on the way in, which was fine. But on the way back it was less choppy but still choppy. And then everyone started doing things and rushing and disappearing below deck. And we were like, “What’s going on?” And then one of the guys was like, “Hey, we have a little problem, but don’t worry.” And there was no land anywhere in sight. And this boat–the motor turned off–and we were just bopping around in the Indian Ocean for, like, ten whole minutes. And I was like, “Are we…? Is this it?”

SASHEER: Yeah, because it was, like, stormy and dark and we slowed to a stop. And I was like, “That can’t be good.” And then the captain goes under the boat, and they’re shouting things at each other. And I was like, “Well, you know, at least our cell phone works.”

NICOLE: Somehow our phones did not work in Zimbabwe, but they worked in the middle of the Indian Ocean. I said, “You make that math make sense, but okay. We have them.”

SASHEER: Yeah. I was like, “I guess, you know, if the ship goes down, maybe another one will come.”

NICOLE: But I was like, “We’re gonna be fine!” And we were. The water took care of us.

SASHEER: It took care of us.

NICOLE: The water always takes care of us.

SASHEER: Yeah, they fixed it in, like, ten minutes, and we did make it back to shore.

NICOLE: And we zoom-zoomed. And then we went to… Before that we went to a safari. I have never been on safari. They’re called “game drives.” And I looked up why they’re called “game drives.” It’s because they used to shoot animals, call it “game,” and go on drives to go shoot them. But they kept the spirit of that, but now we don’t shoot them.

SASHEER: What do you mean by “spirit”?

NICOLE: “We’re going to go hunting for animals. But hey, hey, hey! We’re not shooting.”

SASHEER: “We’re not shooting. We’re just here in the background.”

NICOLE: “We’re here looking.” And then before we went on safari, we did see a giraffe. And I almost fell out of a van because I was so excited to see the giraffe. But on safari we saw so many giraffes. They’re cool.

SASHEER: They’re very cool. Yeah. I guess we were driving into a hotel, and that was the first giraffe we had seen. And it was just, like, in the street. Like, it was on the edge of the street. It was really funny because you asked the driver, “Do you think I’ll see a giraffe?” And he’s like, “There’s one right there.” And you’re like, “What?” And he stopped the car and opened the door. You fell out of the car–slid off your foot–but, like, didn’t take a moment to be like, “Whoopsie!” You just hustled over to take a picture.

NICOLE: I was so excited. I just love a giraffe. And then the driver was like, “You got to get back in. They sometimes charge at you.” And I was like, “Oh! Good to know.”

SASHEER: Yeah, because it did, like, take a step towards us, but I didn’t know that they charged at all.

NICOLE: The wildlife is okay with humans in cars. But once they’re on foot, they’re like, “Oh. Food? There’s now food. They don’t have their fast animal that they ride around in, so I can eat them. That’s a snack.” Yeah. And then on safari, we saw zebras.

SASHEER: Lots of impala.

NICOLE: Impala. Hyenas. We watched a bunch of lions eat a zebra. That was wild.

SASHEER: Yeah, we didn’t see the kill, but we saw the aftermath. And it was really wild.

NICOLE: Yeah. And I don’t know if you clocked it, but the zebra was smiling because all of its teeth were showing. I was like, “Was this zebra having a nice moment and then was eaten and, like, rigor mortis already set in as it was having good thoughts.” It was so nuts.

SASHEER: Or maybe it was like, “This tickles! Guys! Stop!”

NICOLE: It was very cool to see zebras. I didn’t know that their stripes are like that because when they’re all together in a herd, it makes the other animals dizzy. And I was like, “This is so wild that, like, nature takes care of itself.”

SASHEER: “Nature does take care of itself. They know what they’re doing.”

NICOLE: What was your favorite animal that we saw?

SASHEER: I did like the hippos–how they, like, would pop in and out of the water and just blow the water out of their nostrils. And we stopped by a pond, river, lake–I don’t know–a body of water. And the hippos were so far, far away. But then they went underwater, and then they got so close. I was like, “Hi, guys!” And the driver is like, “These are the deadliest animals out here.”

NICOLE: Yeah. Wait, what was the name of the game reserve we went to? I call it Campari, but that’s liquor.

SASHEER: Kapama.

NICOLE: If you go to Kapama, say hello to Tumi! Tumi was our tracker, and we loved him so much. My favorite animal other than the giraffe… And I did like some of the monkeys, although there was monkeys by our room. And they were trying to get my peanuts. And I knew what their plan was, and I was like, “You’re not getting my nuts, okay?” But my favorite animal was the dung beetle. I fucking love a dung beetle. Dung beetles make these giant circles of shit, and then they push them around. And it’s so funny. There was one–I don’t know–he fucked up. He didn’t get his shit right. He was moving so fast trying to get his shit somewhere. And then we learned that they roll their shit up to a lady dung beetle. And then if she likes that shit, she mates with him. But if she doesn’t like that shit, he gotta go find somebody else who appreciates this shit, who’s, like, you know, settling or whatever. And then they have a dung beetle baby. They put it in the shit. And then when it hatches, it eats the shit and then goes to find whoever.

SASHEER: Whoever?

NICOLE: Yeah. I don’t know. If it’s a girl dung, I guess she, like, chills. And if it’s a boy, he gets to work hustling.

SASHEER: “Gotta start rolling that dung–find a mate.”

NICOLE: Oh, and then I like the lions. The dung beetles and lions.

SASHEER: There was a day where you became a tracker, too. You were like. “Ooh, look over there. Oh, we’ve been here before. I can tell by the trees.” And you spotted a lion, like, out of nowhere. You’re like, “That seems like something.” And they’re like, “That’s a lion. That’s really good.”

NICOLE: But right before that, I was like, “Look over there, Sasheer.” You’re like, “What is it? I was like, “A rock.” And I thought it was something, and it was just a rock.

SASHEER: And then after the lion, you were like, “A dung beetle!” And I was like, “Wow. Equally as cool.” She tracks.

NICOLE: I am a tracker! But I gotta say, animals, chill the fuck out. We had to be up at 6:00 a.m. to go see them. Y’all can’t sleep in just a little? That was nuts.

SASHEER: Yeah, I think we did four days. I can’t remember. But my last one, I was like, “I do not want to get up at 5:00 a.m. anymore.”

NICOLE: Me either. That was tough. I think we did the right amount because we’re not morning people. No. You better give me some midday.

SASHEER: Are there any animals out here midday?

NICOLE: Yeah. I had a really nice time.

SASHEER: Yeah. Me too.

NICOLE: It was really fun until we tried to come home. We were in the Seychelles, which is, you know, a small, small island. And the beach was really pretty. And the hotel was really nice. But the airport was interesting because nobody seemed to work there that knew anything. And they just put right up on that wall monitor that we were no longer leaving at 6:00 but we were leaving at 9:00. And I was like, “Oh, is there any reason? What do we do about our connecting flights?” And they’re like, “Here’s a meal voucher.” And I was like, “Oh, that’s not what I asked or anything I wanted.” And then we did leave rather quickly, but then we landed and missed our connecting flight by, like–I don’t know–20 minutes or maybe an hour. I don’t know. Something like that. It’s hard to say because they do military time, and we don’t. So, it was tough. And then Kenya Airways–not to shit on them–but they don’t care about your happiness. Kenya Airways doesn’t love you. Kenya Airways–if they saw you sick in a gutter, they would probably push you down further into the gutter. Kenya Airways would serve you raw chicken and tell you it’s cooked. Nobody was helpful!

SASHEER: Yeah. It was disappointing because we went to the help desk–got no help. We were like, “Can you, like, put us on an earlier flight?” because the next flight was, like, 11:00 p.m. the next day. And we were like, “Is there anything earlier?” And they’re like, “We’ll send an email.” And we were like, “Well, why can’t you call someone?” And they’re like, “That’s how we communicate. Send an email.”

NICOLE: And then they were like, “Come check in an hour.” And I checked in an hour. And she was like, “Come back in another hour.” So, I on the dot came back, and she actually stepped away from the desk. And I was like, “What?” And then she was like, “Come back at 5:00 a.m.” And I was like, “What? The help desk is just closed for the night. And y’all sent an email? And how do you know they’re refreshing at the rebooking center?” Also, I had called customer service, and they put me on hold for a solid ten minutes. And we played a game that was like, “Is she going to come back or am I going to hang up?” And I hung up. She won, and that’s fine. Sometimes we all need to be winners.

SASHEER: She won this one.

NICOLE: Sometimes we gotta be losers. And I took the L. But I went down to the help desk to see if there was anybody there. And somebody had draped pants and a red blazer over the chair, like somebody was there. And I was like, “Wait, is that…? No!” Why would they do that? That was the meanest trick I ever did see. It was as if they were like, “Ha ha ha! You were hopeful that someone was here, and there’s nobody here because we hate you. We’re Kenyan Airways.” So, at 5:00 a.m., they were like, “Okay, so you are on that 11:00 p.m. flight.” And I was like, “But in those hours we could have gotten on a different one.” And they said, “Ha ha ha. That’s what you think.” And then then I was like, “Well, can we at least have a hotel?” And she was like, “Yeah.” I was like, “You weren’t going to give it to me unless I asked for it, which, again, rude.” So, then we went back to that desk that sent us to another desk that sent us to another desk, where we saw a cartoon character of a man with a stethoscope and a t-shirt that said, “Fire Department.” You were like, “He looks like an extra that got too many costume items.”

SASHEER: Yeah. And he kept talking to the person behind the desk, being like, “I need to find my luggage. It has all my medical supplies in there.”

NICOLE: And I was like, “What, Sally’s cancer treatment is in your checked baggage?”

SASHEER: “All my medical supplies are in there. I need it because I’m a doctor. See?”

NICOLE: “See? I have a stethoscope.” That made me laugh. And then they were like, “All right, you can go get in the van to go to the hotel. It’s a white van.” And you looked outside, and you were like, “There’s a hundred white vans out there.” And it was tempered glass, so I had a hard time looking. I was like, “Is there?” And you were like, “Yes.” And then the man was like, “The first white van,” like we were dumb. And then we went outside and–to your credit, Sasheer–there was 10 million white vans. And none of them said “Kenyan Airways.” The one that we had to get in said “Holiday Car.” That has nothing to do with Kenyan Airways!

SASHEER: And then a man from the airport who had helped us earlier find the hotel desk was walking with us. And he was like, “Oh, well, I’ll help you find your car.” And we were like, “Okay.” And then he, like, walked us away from the cars and started, like, lowering his voice and was like, “Look, so I helped you guys. I’m gonna help you find the car. But, like, could you give me a little…?” So, we now understand after the fact that he was asking for rand.

NICOLE: Which is a currency. But I heard “ranch.” And I was like, “You want ranch?” Also, he was a cop, and we didn’t realize he was a cop because they dressed differently over there. And I just was so bleary eyed and couldn’t put things together. And I was like, “I don’t have any ranch.” And he was like, “Little rand?” And I was like, “No, I don’t have a little ranch. And if I was bringing ranch, it would be more than just a little ranch. And I’m not going to go get ranch because I don’t want– I need to go to the hotel!” And he seemed confused by my indignation about not getting him ranch. And then he was like, “Okay, all right, all right.” I was like, “Yeah!” And Sasheer was like, “I’m gonna go find the car.” And I was like, “And I’m not giving you ranch!” We got in the car, and the driver was like, “Kenyan police are the most corrupt in the world.” And I was like, “Huh. Interesting.” And as we sat there waiting, I was like, “Oh, do you think he was asking for rand and not ranch dressing?”

SASHEER: But it’s also funny because I also didn’t question it. I was just like, “This is a ridiculous conversation. I’m walking away. I need to find the driver. I don’t know why he’s asking for ranch right now.”

NICOLE: And then he must have been so confused. Maybe he didn’t even know what ranch dressing was.

SASHEER: Yeah. Or he was just like, “They must be mispronouncing it. They know I’m talking about money but don’t want to give it to me?” which is also true.

NICOLE: And then when we got in the car, I was like, “That’s so weird that he wanted ranch. If I was bringing ranch overseas, I’m giving it to my family, not a random man.” Before we figured out it was rand, I was having a serious conversation about how I would not give up my ranch because that’s for my family. And then I was like, “Also, it would be in my checked bags. It’s over 3.4oz.”

SASHEER: “He thinks I just have ranch on me?”

NICOLE: “Maybe I can have packets, but those explode. I’m not packing packets of ranch. What’s wrong with you?” And then I was like, “Maybe we’re getting taken. But then I was like, “Wait, Sasheer. There’s a Kenyan Airways sticker. I think this is legit.” And you’re like, “You think this is legit because of a sticker?”

SASHEER: Anyone could just get a sticker and put it in their car.

NICOLE: You’re right. But it ended up being okay because he took a flight attendant somewhere, and we’re like, “All right, this feels a little bit more legit.” That was wild.

SASHEER: That was wild. And then we got to the hotel, and I think… I feel like… I don’t know when we got COVID, but I feel like the symptoms started the minute we laid down in bed because we were both coughing. And I was like, “Is it the air ducts? Is it, like, the AC or something?” And then, you know, we were just getting sicker by the hour on our way back home, on the plane, on the next plane, and in the lounge–just getting sicker and sicker. And then we both got home, took a test… COVID.

NICOLE: And I thought it was just a cold because the air was gross in the hotel, and it felt very dusty. And I was like, “Ugh.” And I have very sensitive sinuses. They’re so sensitive and really cute. And I was feeling the way I feel in a dusty house, so I was like, “Oh, it’s dust.” And then I got home, and I was like, “Well, I do have to go pick up my dog and stuff, so let me just take a test to be sure.” And then that test was negative. And then my eyes started hurting. And then I was coughing even more. And then I was like, “I didn’t enjoy my Burger King as much as I thought I would.”

SASHEER: “Something is off. I didn’t enjoy Burger King as much as I thought I would.”

NICOLE: “My Whopper wasn’t whopping.” So, I took another test. It was positive. And I was like, “Oh no.” But I will say I’m glad we got African COVID and not, like, dumb American COVID.

SASHEER: Yeah, ours is international and exotic.

NICOLE: Yes, we imported it. But I had such a lovely time. It was really nice to spend uninterrupted hours and hours and hours with you, which sounds sarcastic. But you’re one of the few people I can just spend hours with.

SASHEER: This is true. I agree. Yeah. I feel like two weeks is a long time to spend with one other person. But you are the only person I can do that with. It’s hard to think of other people I can do that with.

NICOLE: And it was really nice in the Seychelles. I was like, “I will wake up and go to breakfast with you tomorrow because I didn’t go to breakfast with you the day before.” And you very gently opened a curtain and went, “Nicole, you have to go to breakfast.” But I really liked how gentle you were with it. Also, I’m a ridiculous person sometimes. I couldn’t figure out the light situation in one of our rooms. And I sat at the edge of the bed, covered my face, and went, “Aww… I need help.” And I feel like anybody else would be so annoyed with me. But you turned on the light, and you helped me.

SASHEER: And it was funny because it was already dark. And I just saw your silhouette. And I just saw you, like, put your face to the heavens and cover your face. And you went, “Aw… I need help.” I was like, “Did you want the light on?” You’re like, “Yeah.” And then I just pushed the switch that was next to my bed.

NICOLE: I don’t know why I couldn’t figure out those lamps. It was kind of the whole trip. I was having trouble.

SASHEER: Yeah. Any corded light situation you had a real problem with.

NICOLE: I’m not used to it. I have light switches. They’re in the wall!

SASHEER: Yeah, well, sometimes the light switch is on the cord.

NICOLE: Yeah, and that’s tough for me.

SASHEER: Yeah, I understand.

NICOLE: Thank you. Thank you so much.

SASHEER: Yeah.

NICOLE: I decided that I needed to get hiking boots just in case another thing arises where I have to be in dirt because for some of the game drives we got out of the van or the… I don’t know. What’s it called?

SASHEER: The truck?

NICOLE: The topless truck?

SASHEER: Yeah.

NICOLE: Sometimes we get out of that slutty truck and be, like, in the mud. And I was like, “I need boots for this.” And I found the most incredible boots. But they’re sold out. And I sent them an email asking for when they’d be restocked. And they said that they’re not getting restocked.

SASHEER: Like, ever again?

NICOLE: That’s what they said. And I said, “This is one of the saddest things that I’ve ever experienced.” And they haven’t responded to that. But maybe they’ll respond to this podcast. Okay. So, it’s a company called GaitLine. Spelled the way it’s said. And it’s a Kikut TRX Leopard/Champagne boot. They’re on sale. The reviews are in. There’s 24 of them. People love them. It has 4.8 stars. These are the boots I need, and they’re fully fucking leopard print. And they seem to have good traction. And I think they would sustain with the elements. And they’re waterproof! And I want them. They’re on sale. They are $143.40. Odd–the $0.40. But that’s okay. That’s fine. I’ll pay you $0.40. And they said that they’re not coming back. And I love them. So GaitLine, if you want to make an orphan happy, bring back those shoes, please.

SASHEER: Help the orphans. Bring back the shoes.

NICOLE: Bring back the shoes. And I can’t find them on eBay. I can’t find them anywhere.

SASHEER: Okay. I’m sorry.

NICOLE: It’s okay. Thank you for being sorry. That makes me feel good that you’re sorry. That sounds weird. “That makes me feel so good that you’re sorry.”

SASHEER: I mean, I didn’t do it.

NICOLE: You didn’t. It’s not your fault.

SASHEER: Although you blamed me for a lot of stuff on the trip.

NICOLE: Well, you kept doing stuff.

SASHEER: I was not doing stuff! We were staying at the safari camp. There was an automatic light outside the door, and it would ideally go off when you walked away from the building, so that it didn’t attract bugs. And then when we approached the building, it would turn on, so you can open the door. And ours just stayed on. And I was like, “Oh no, what happened?” And you were like, “I don’t know. You did something.” I was like, “I didn’t do anything!” “You must’ve. You must’ve did something.”

NICOLE: Well, you were in charge of the keys, so you must’ve did something. I don’t know what, but you were the last one to touch it.

SASHEER: I didn’t do nothing. And then we get to the door, and it’s covered in bugs. Every kind of bug in the world was on the door, and they were big and ugly. I kept trying to kick the door to, like, shake the door to get the bugs to, like, fly away and get away from it so they wouldn’t go in with us.

NICOLE: It’s imprinted in my memory forever. You were banging on the door and hitting the door with your fist and literally kicking the door. And you’re wearing this, like, striped outfit–this, like, striped, two-piece ensem. And you look like a nice, normal woman. And you’re kicking a door. And you’re like, “Get out of here! Get out of here!” And I couldn’t stop laughing. And then at one point, you started squatting as you were, like, hitting the door. And I was like, “She’s going somewhere.” And then you turn around and you take one arm and you, like, wave at me. You go, “You gotta get close to me!” And I was like, “Wait, what?” I understood what you meant. Get close so the door wouldn’t be open for very long. But it was like we were fucking Tomb Raider or Raiders of the Lost Ark going on an adventure. And you were screaming, and I was like, “What did people think? You’re screaming, ‘You got to get close to me.’ I’m doubled over laughing.” I couldn’t stop laughing. And the light is on. There’s a spotlight on you. And then once we get inside, there was a spider in the bed with us. And thank God, again, I was having issues with the light.

SASHEER: Thank God.

NICOLE: So, you had to turn on the light. And then it was like, “Oh no! There’s a spider!” And then we knocked it on the floor. And then I was spraying him with bug spray, and we were both screaming. And then you lifted a magazine over your head, and you were again in your half squat going, “Ahhh!” And then you slowly lowered the magazine on the spider in a way that was so primal but also so slow. It was slow and primal. And again, I could not stop laughing. It’s very funny.

SASHEER: I just had to, like, use all my power–use all the strength that I had. And so, I guess going slow is summoning every piece of energy I had in my body to smash it because I didn’t want to hit it, and then it’s still alive.

NICOLE: But you killed it. And we were safe. And no more bugs got in the bed with us.

SASHEER: It was scary.

NICOLE: It was very scary. And then you were like, “Gotta close my suitcase at all times.” And I was like, “I can’t.” I packed like I was going to shit my pants every single day. I had so much underwear. I had every sock I’ve ever owned. I packed, like, 20 outfits. I did not wear all of them. And then I wore clothes the way I normally do on a trip because I usually only have a carry on. And I’ll wear things over and over till they’re, like, slightly stinky and then put them in a bag. And that’s what I kept doing. And then I was like, “But I have so much.” It was tough.

SASHEER: Well, it was hard because we needed fancy outfits for the train. We needed hot outfits. Part of it was rainy, so we needed, like, things that were, like, a little bit warmer. It was hard to know how to pack. But everywhere we went, people were like, “Are you guys going to be here for a month?” because we had, like, five bags between both of us.

NICOLE: And they were heavy, and everyone made sure to tell me how heavy they were.

SASHEER: Yes. Everyone. I was like, “Okay, you don’t have to comment on it.”

NICOLE: And then on the flight back, this man on Air France… I was like, “Is G over here?” And he looked at my ticket and looked at me and went, “You have a long journey home.” And I said, “Sure do. Is G over here?” And he was like, “Two long flights.” And I was like, “What’s happening?” Did he think I was like, “An hour and I’m home!” It was so strange. Yeah. People kept telling me, “Long flight.” And then I packed too much, and I was like, “Leave me alone.”

SASHEER: Or when we were, like, in the airport for hours waiting to get a response from Kenya Airways, people would be like, “You were here for a long time.” And we were like, “Yes, we know. We would like to leave.”

NICOLE: “We would like to go home. We’ve been here longer than you.” Okay, I have a bone to pick with the Kenyan airport and the France airport–the Paris airport. How come I have to go through security again after I get off a fucking plane? I have all plane stuff because they let me on the plane. So how do you think in the sky I accumulated more liquids or more electronics or things you’re not going to let me on this plane with?

SASHEER: Maybe you encountered a bird that brought you something.

NICOLE: A little birdie. A little birdie done brought me a bomb. But Sasheer was caught with water and then chugged it. And I was like, “You don’t have to!”

SASHEER: And I was like, “I’ll chug that whole thing!”

NICOLE: “You don’t have to!” But I will say, I think this trip was a success.

SASHEER: Yes, it was a lot of logistical issues but very fun.

NICOLE: It was fun. And we went to five countries? Or four–four countries. No, five because we spent the night in Kenya. I’m counting it. Claiming that. Claiming that hotel as an experience in a country.

SASHEER: It was quite an experience. I mean, I feel like… I don’t like having COVID, but I do like having a reason to, like, sit the hell down because we’ve been moving for the last two weeks.

NICOLE: We really have. I feel like my butt has gotten a little firmer because I’ve been carrying my heavy backpack, which is, like, kind of cool. Oh, we did make international friends! But they’re moving to Cincinnati.

SASHEER: Oh, yeah. They’re moving from Brussels to Cincinnati. That was really funny.

NICOLE: Yeah. I had a nice time.

SASHEER: Yeah. Me too.

NICOLE: Should we answer a question? Just one?

SASHEER: Do we have time?

NICOLE: Yeah. Let’s do one question. We haven’t answered a question in a while. And I’m full of answers.

BRADY: Hello. Hi, Nicole, Sasheer, Kimmie, Jordan, Julie–everyone on team Best Friends. Yeah. My name is Brady. I actually called a little bit ago asking about getting straight guy friends to open up more emotionally. That was appreciated that you answered it. I’ve actually gotten better with them about that. Now, I have a question about a straight lady friend. I contain multitudes. Anyways. So, I have a super close friend from college who currently lives in Amsterdam with her husband. So clearly, we don’t get to see each other in person all that much. But last month, she was in Mexico for a wedding, and I was able to take a few days to visit her in Mexico City, which was super fun. I was there with her and her husband. We had a great time. And she announced that she was pregnant. Now she’s actually the first of my real friends that I hang out with to be pregnant–have a child. And yeah, that’s for a myriad of reasons. A lot of my friends are, like, working in nerdier professions and are also just very career focused people. But, yeah, my first friend having a child and it’s not on accident. As I start to transition into that phase–especially as someone who does not have any plans to have kids myself–what’s your advice on dealing with that first friend who has children, especially if it’s someone who doesn’t live right near you but is someone who may be moving back towards where you are/is someone you have that’s special in their life. Anyways, I love the podcast. Yeah. Take care, y’all.

NICOLE: What do you got, Sasheer?

SASHEER: Well, I feel like we’ve had many questions like this of, like, the transition of “Now, one of my close friends is a parent.” And I think what we’ve heard from other parents is, like, don’t forget that they do want to still hang out. So, I think just, like, keep treating them like your friend. Like, keep inviting them to things. Keep trying to hang. And they hopefully will be honest about what they can and can’t do. And, you know, there’ll be a time where it’s like, “Oh, actually, I can’t go out because I have to be home with my child.” Or, like, you know, the hangs might be different because I don’t know what your hangs used to be. But if it was, like, bar hopping, you probably can’t do that anymore. But maybe you can switch to a different type of, like… Maybe movie nights or making dinner together or something like that. But you can just, like, ask questions, too, and be like, “Hey, I want to keep hanging out with you. But I understand your body’s going to be going through changes and your time is going to be going through a lot of changes. So, like, what feels good to you because I want to maintain this connection that we have?”

NICOLE: Yeah, I think that’s nice. And then the friend also lives in Amsterdam, right? That’s what our caller said–that their friend lives in Amsterdam?

SASHEER: But didn’t they say they’re moving back to where they live or something?

NICOLE: Oh, I see. I see. Okay. So, scratch that. Doesn’t matter about Amsterdam. The only thing about Amsterdam that matters is KLM is a wonderful airline that I believe is based in Amsterdam. It’s the Dutch Airways. And they give you little houses full of booze, and they’re great. Anyway, I think Sasheer’s right. I think keep the lines of communication open and ask what they’re, like, willing to do. But, like, don’t turn your back on your friend. Don’t let the sun go down on your friend. Don’t close the door on your friend. Don’t put the book away on a shelf on your friend because they’re still a person who wants to hang out with you. You just have to adjust a little bit.

SASHEER: And now you have, like, a little person to give cool stuff to. Whenever you’re out and about and you’re like, “Oh, my God, this is a cute toy,” there’s, like, now a person to give that to.

NICOLE: Yeah! Clothes, too. Now you have an excuse to go in The Children’s Place.

SASHEER: “In the children’s place?”

NICOLE: I think that’s a store that still exists.

SASHEER: Oh, yeah, I think I have… I’ve never needed to go to The Children’s Place.

NICOLE: Me either. But now they have a reason to go right up into The Children’s Place.

SASHEER: Is it really called The Children’s Place? That sounds absurd.

NICOLE: I’m 100% sure.

SASHEER: I do think you’re right. But I’ve never heard anyone say it out loud. And I’m like, “Why is it called The Children’s Place?”

NICOLE: Because that’s where they can go for their clothes. There’s no big clothes there. This is your place for little things. The Children’s Place!

SASHEER: “The Children’s Place.” I don’t know why it bothers me so much.

NICOLE: Yes, Sasheer. What? Are you mad that there’s no Adult Place? Wait. My favorite thing about Africa is that instead of Old Navy, they had Old Khaki.

SASHEER: Oh, yes. That was very funny.

NICOLE: Old Khaki. But yeah, The Children’s Place.

SASHEER: Maybe because it sounds like the Upside Down to me. It’s, like, hell for kids. The Bad Place for kids.

NICOLE: What? It’s a good place because there’s other children there, Sasheer.

SASHEER: I just don’t understand why it’s called The Children’s Place. It’s like, “You don’t want to go to The Children’s Place. You better be a good little boy or else you’re going to go to The Children’s Place.”

NICOLE: Or… “You are such a good little boy. Do you want to go to The Children’s Place?”

SASHEER: Yeah.

NICOLE: I think it just really depends on your tone because it could be scary.

SASHEER: That’s how it’s coming out for me.

NICOLE: Oh, I’m really sorry. Were you taken to The Children’s Place one time? What did they do to you at The Children’s Place?

SASHEER: Oh, well… One time I went to the mall and…

NICOLE: Oh no.

SASHEER: And then some troll came out of nowhere. He’s like, “Do you want to go to The Children’s Place?” And I thought it was a fun place.

NICOLE: Well, Sasheer, that’s on you. That’s your fault. You never follow a troll to a second location.

SASHEER: You’re victim blaming!

NICOLE: I’m going to victim blame you again. I told you we were landing at 1:00 p.m., and you said out loud with your full fucking chest, “I wish we were landing later.” And you know what happened? We landed a whole day later. You did that! You’re powerful in a way that you don’t understand.

SASHEER: I didn’t know that that was going to happen.

NICOLE: You did that. You bah humbugged our ride home.

SASHEER: No!

NICOLE: I won’t put that on you. That’s not nice. But it was your fault.

SASHEER: Well, now we’re home.

NICOLE: Now we’re home. And you know what else is home? This podcast. And if you have a question that you would like answered–nicoleandsasheer@gmail.com. There’s also a number: (424) 645-7003.

SASHEER: We also have merch at podswag.com/bestfriends.

NICOLE: To put in your home. We also have transcripts for our new episodes. Check them out on our show page.

SASHEER: Lastly, while you’re in your home, don’t forget to rate, review, and subscribe. That is the easiest way to support this show!

NICOLE: From your home! We’re home!

SASHEER: Dingdong! We’re home!

NICOLE: Dingdong! Open the door! We’re home! Bye, Sasheer.

SASHEER: Bye, Nicole.