EP. 242 — Nicole Is Back From Hawaii

NICOLE: S.A. H.

SASHEER: No.

NICOLE: S.A.S.H.E.E.R. How did I spell it before? What did I say?

SASHEER: You said, “S.A.H.”

NICOLE: That’s not your name.

SASHEER: N.I.C.H.O.L.E.

NICOLE: That’s not it! But it could be. I think some Nicholes do spell it with an H, which I think is, like… What? No offense. If that’s how you spell it, why? It’s sick.

SASHEER: I’ve seen people misspell your name that way, but I’ve never met anyone who actually has that name.

NICOLE: Me either.

SASHEER: And it feels like maybe it’s not a thing. Maybe people think that that’s a spelling, but it actually isn’t?

NICOLE: Yeah. If you spell your name with an H, drop us a line and tell us why.

SASHEER: And how’s your life been? Are you okay? How does it feel to be an H Nichole? Is your life different? I wonder, is there, like, a study that’s, like, the better lives of Nicoles? Oh, my goodness. Judith found different variations of Nicole, which are in N.I.C.O.L.L.E, N.I.C.O.L, N.I.C.H.O.L, N.I.C.H.O.L.E, N.I.C.H.O.L.L.E. My god. Okay. Yeah. And it just goes on and on. N.I.K.O.L.?

NICOLE: I don’t like it.

SASHEER: N.I.K.O.L.E.? N.I.K.H.O.L.E.? That’s a lot.

NICOLE: That’s too many. I just like a simple N.I.C.O.L.E. I actually really don’t like my name. I think it’s pretty fucking boring.

SASHEER: Really?

NICOLE: Yeah. It’s a boring name. Nicole.

SASHEER: But I do think people who have the name Nicole are pretty fun.

NICOLE: I don’t think I know another Nicole. That’s why in Africa, when we arrived at the hotel in Kenya and the lady checking us in’s name was Nicole, I almost cried and was like, “My name’s Nicole, too!”

SASHEER: At that point, you were also tired. That’s the end of the trip. “I’m Nicole, too!”

NICOLE: She was like, “Okay.” But yeah, I don’t meet too many other Nicoles. Have you ever met another Sasheer?

SASHEER: No. No, I haven’t.

NICOLE: You could be the only person in this universe named Sasheer.

SASHEER: No. You’re right. There are other Sasheers. When I first joined Facebook in 1902, I was the only Sasheer for a while because that was when it was only college students who were allowed to set up for Facebook. And then they opened it up to anyone. And then it was me and a bunch of Indian men with the name Sasheer. And I think usually it’s spelled S.A.S.H.I.R. And then there’s also the variation of S.A.S.H.E.R. But yeah. I’ve never met anyone in person with the name.

NICOLE: We gotta get you to a Sasheer convention.

SASHEER: We got to gather all of the Sasheers.

NICOLE: I remember when Facebook was only open to college students, and I was like, “Oh, my God, this is so rude. How come I can’t be on the Facebook?”

SASHEER: Your school wasn’t part of it?

NICOLE: No. I think it was, like, real, accredited institutions. And ours was simply not real or accredited nor an institution. And they were like, “Get out of here. This is fake.” We also didn’t have, like, email addresses for the school.

SASHEER: Yeah. So, it really wasn’t real. They were like, “You’re not gonna stay here.”

NICOLE: “You’re not staying. It’s two years, and a lot of people are not going to stay the two years.”

SASHEER: How are you? You just got back from Hawaii.

NICOLE: I did.

SASHEER: Which is wild because it feels like we also just got back from Africa.

NICOLE: Listen, vacation is my job. And that is what I do now because it got back from Africa and then got COVID. And then, like, truly the next week, I was like, “Gotta go to Honolulu!” It was so fun. Mateo and I did a show. Also, Hawaii is just so fucking pretty. I love it. And then today I had to do voiceover stuff. And then on the way back, I was like, “Ugh. The mainland sucks.” There was a bunch of cops, I think, chasing somebody. And I was like, “Why is my life impacted because you people can’t catch this person? Like, what the fuck?” I was so mad.

SASHEER: Yeah. Do better. Be better.

NICOLE: Police officers, do better. And then I guess they caught the person because then we all got to go. It was just so annoying, you know?

SASHEER: Yeah. No. I’m sorry. That’s annoying.

NICOLE: It’s okay. I also almost saw an octopus when I was snorkeling, but I wasn’t fast enough to get there. My friend who was there was like, “There is an octopus!” And I was like, “I’m coming!” And then I missed it. And then also, this was humiliating. I love fish, and I love snorkeling. And I just bought, like, cheap goggles. I need to invest in nice ones. But I was trying to wash my goggles out in the water. And there was this man by me, and he was just laughing to himself. And I was like, “Oh, my God. What is this freak laughing at?” And then he goes, “Hey. You see anything fun?” And I was like, “Yeah.” He’s like, “You having a nice time out there?” And I was like, “Yes.” He goes, “Oh, okay. Cool because I could hear you while you were snorkeling. I just heard you go, ‘Oh, my God! Oh!’” So, he was laughing at me.

SASHEER: No way. That’s so mean. “You have fun out there? Really sounded like you did.” Why is this stranger roasting you?

NICOLE: I don’t know. But I also didn’t know you could hear. But I guess it makes sense because you’re breathing through the little tube. But I had no idea that you could hear noises.

SASHEER: Oh, so the tube is just propelling your sound out, amplifying you to the other patrons?

NICOLE: Yeah. And I was like, “Oh, my God. I was saying embarrassing things.” I would be like, “My friends!”

SASHEER: To the fish?

NICOLE: Yes, because I liked them. And I’d be like, “I won’t touch you. I’m just looking.” And I thought only the fish could hear me. But it turns out everyone up there could hear it. I was deeply embarrassed.

SASHEER: I’m so sorry.

NICOLE: It’s okay. I also scraped my knee on a rock. I was having a tough time.

SASHEER: Did you see any turtles?

NICOLE: I didn’t see any turtles. I just saw a lot of fish. And I didn’t see any coral. So, then I googled coral on my flight back. And I was like, “Coral is pretty.”

SASHEER: That’s about the same–seeing it on your phone.

NICOLE: Right? And then there is a lady on my flight. She put her stuff in the overhead bin, and then someone else had put their stuff directly over her. And she was like, “Whose bag is this? Whose bag is this? I need to move this because my purse needs to go up there.” And the guy across from her was like, “Oh, sorry, that’s my bag.” And then she was like, “Just put it over your head. Put your stuff over your head.” And he’s like, “Oh, it was closed. So, I think it’s full.” Then she opened it. And she’s like, “It’s not full. Put your stuff over here.” And he’s like, “I’ll just put it here.” And then he put it in another overhead bin. And then she went up to the front to ask the flight attendant if she could have her purse next to her. And then they were like, “Sure.” So, then she moved it so that she didn’t need anything in the overhead bin. And I was laughing because I was like, “Wow, this lady is very particular. A weirdo. Or something’s going on.” And then I was like, “Oh, I should give her a little grace. I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t have laughed. Oh well.” And then the man next to me was like, “Heh. We got a Karen over here.” And I was like, “Or maybe she’s on the spectrum and she needs her things in a way that’s particular to her.” And he goes, “Nah, she’s a Karen.” And also, he had a balding mullet. And I was like, “Oh, okay.” And then he started talking to me, and I was like, “Oh no. I don’t want to bond with you over this lady.” It was one of those conversations where he didn’t need me there. He was going to just talk. At one point he was like, “I spent the whole day in my hotel room.” And I was like, “Why didn’t you go to the beach?” And he was like, “I don’t go to the beach. It was 1992. I was with my friends in North Carolina. And I went into the water. And next thing I knew, I was in the hospital. It was New Year’s Day, and I was recovering because I almost died.” And I was like, “Oh yeah, I guess I wouldn’t go to the beach either.”

SASHEER: That’s really funny. “Oh, okay. Yeah. Makes sense.”

NICOLE: I told him, “I almost have 2 million miles.” And he’s like, “That’s a lot. I got 2 million miles probably on my truck, but if you put three over two and divide it by eight.” And I was like, “Wait, what? Now I have to do a math problem?” I don’t know. I think he was trying to say, like, years that he drove it. Truly I talked to this man for too long. And then I said, “Oh, I drive a Jeep.” And he’s like, “Is LA home?” And I was like, “Yeah.” And he’s like, “Newsom wants you to drive an electric car. But if you drive an electric car, there’s rolling blackouts in Los Angeles. And you can only charge your car at certain times.” And I was like, “What are you talking about? No, I have friends with electric cars. And I had a friend who charged his car at my house, and we never had to charge it at a certain time.” And he’s like, “Really?” I was like, “Yeah, I’m not sure where you’re getting your information from.” And then he was like, “Okay.” And I was like, “Yeah.” And then he stopped talking to me because I guess he was like, “She likes Gavin Newsom.” And I’m like, “I don’t know. I don’t think he’s great. What’s happening?” He was a very strange man with a balding mullet, which is a sight to behold. He also told me that he was going to snore for most of the flight. And as soon as we took off, that man made good on his promise. He was laying on his back with his mouth wide open, snoring for everybody.

SASHEER: Well, at least you weren’t the loudest snore.

NICOLE: Yes, that made me very, very happy. We were dueling snores, just sitting next to each other.

SASHEER: We gotta get you some tactics on how to exit conversations because you will get caught in these conversations where I’m like, “But how? Why is it still going? How did it keep going? There’s more?” Like, when you talked about… We had to go to Passport Health to get our vaccinations for our South African trip. And you were like, “It took me a whole hour, and I got 16 shots. And this lady kept talking to me and upselling me. And then I went…” And it was truly ten minutes.

NICOLE: She gave me so many vaccines, it made me sick. I couldn’t speak anymore, and I had to go to sleep. It was terrible. And then I forgot my malaria medicine.

SASHEER: That was really funny, which is really the only thing we needed.

NICOLE: But she also gave me a malaria drink.

SASHEER: Yeah, which I still don’t understand. I was not offered a drink. I was never offered a malaria drink.

NICOLE: She made this potion–this cocktail. And she was like, “Don’t watch me make it.” And I was like, “Okay.”

SASHEER: This lady put a spell on you.

NICOLE: She probably did. She talks so much, and she was so inappropriate. And she said a bunch of stuff to you that I was like, “I don’t think you should be saying this to me.” It was pretty wild. Yeah, I don’t know. I just get caught in conversations. And I think what happens is I have a round, friendly face. And people are like, “Ah, she wants to listen to me.”

SASHEER: “I feel safe with her.”

NICOLE: Yeah. Or maybe it’s because, like, I’m a Black lady. I don’t know. Everybody Forrest Gump talks to you on that bench is, like, a round-faced person who’s open to conversation. And then that Black lady is like, “My feet hurt.”

SASHEER: Yeah. Maybe. Hmm. And that doesn’t happen to me because I shut it down. Or my face is like, “I’m done.”

NICOLE: You don’t have a round face. Also, you’ll fall asleep on people, so it’s hard to talk to someone if they’re sleeping.

SASHEER: This is true.

NICOLE: Or you walk away from people.

SASHEER: Yeah. I’ll exit in some way. Physically. Mentally. Yeah. On the plane, if they’re next to me, they don’t have a chance to talk to me because I’m already asleep. I sat down, and I immediately fell asleep.

NICOLE: Well, I just don’t know. I guess I look happy? On the way to Dublin, that man talked to me forever, too. Well, first he was like, “Can you switch seats with my wife?” And I was like, “Oh no, I really like the window.” And then he was like, “Heh. I’ll make you suffer.” And then you just kept talking.

SASHEER: “I’ll make you regret that choice.”

NICOLE: Yeah. And I did instantly regret it. But I was like, “I don’t like being on the aisle because they hit you.” They hit you. The flight attendants punch you. They hit you.

SASHEER: Are you sure?

NICOLE: You’ve never been hit by them?

SASHEER: I guess I’m mostly in the window. I didn’t realize all that activity was happening in the aisle.

NICOLE: The carts will, like, hit you sometimes or. Yeah. And then sometimes when people get on the plane, their bags will swing in your face. And then you’re like, “Excuse you.” And they’re like, “Get over it, bitch.” And you’re like, “What?” And then they hit you.

SASHEER: They say all that? That’s a lot! See, I miss all of this because I go to sleep immediately.

NICOLE: I guess I should just start going to sleep immediately.

SASHEER: Yeah, it’s better that way. And then you get surprised when you land.

NICOLE: Once I fell asleep immediately getting on the plane. And then when I woke up, I was like, “Oh, my God, we landed!” And then the man next me went, “No. We haven’t taken off.” It was terrible. I was asleep for, like, a full hour. And we hadn’t taken off. We were just sitting on the jetway.

SASHEER: Wait, did they say why? They probably did say, and you missed it.

NICOLE: I was like, “Well, I guess I’ll go back to sleep.” And then there was one time where I was flying to Austin, and we had to emergency land in, I think, Dallas. And I woke up, and they’re like, “We’re landing in Dallas!” And I was like, “Wait, what?” And I was like, “No one else is freaking out. Did I just get on the wrong flight? I guess I shouldn’t ask a single question.”

SASHEER: “I guess I shouldn’t make sure I’m in the right place. I’ll just go with the flow.”

NICOLE: But then when we landed, the pilot was like, “This flight will go to Austin as soon as we’re cleared.” And I was like, “Ah. Okay. You wait for information, and you get it.” And I can’t remember how I actually made it to Austin. I know I didn’t rent a car. I think I just waited and then got on the flight.

SASHEER: On that same plane?

NICOLE: No, I think we had to get on a different plane. I don’t know what was wrong with that plane. I wasn’t awake for that.

SASHEER: Yeah. Was it you who was telling me that airlines are hiring less qualified people to, like, manage planes or something like that?

NICOLE: Yeah, that’s what I read–that, like, higher-level people are not airplane people. They’re just college graduates who fit the criteria. And they don’t have very much experience with planes. I could be lying. I skimmed the article.

SASHEER: Sure. I’m gonna believe it. I’m not going to fact-check it at all.

NICOLE: Yeah, don’t fact-check it. Well, that’s because that fucking door blew off the airplane and then took a kid’s shirt.

SASHEER: It took a kid’s shirt?

NICOLE: Yes! And the people who are supposed to be sitting there, I think, missed the flight.

SASHEER: Wow. Thank God.

NICOLE: Yeah. My God. You know, I don’t think I ever want to sit near an emergency exit. Whenever I sit in the emergency exit row–I haven’t in years–they’re like, “Are you willing and able?” And I was like, “Hmm. I could barely pack this morning, and I’m drunk. So, like, if that’s what you want to give me, I’ll be enthusiastic. I don’t know how helpful I’ll be.”

SASHEER: “Yeah, I’ll get out of the way. I’ll be like, ‘This is the door! Someone help!’”

NICOLE: But isn’t it wild that they serve people alcohol in the emergency exit row?

SASHEER: Wow. I’ve never thought about that. That’s a really good point.

NICOLE: You get hammered in the emergency exit row, and I’m like, “If we’re in trouble, I’m not helping.”

SASHEER: I mean, honestly, yeah. They should take that job seriously. If you’re going to check a little box when you check in of, like, “I’m willing to save the plane if I’m in an emergency row,” you should also be like, “I’m also willing to be sober. I’m not going to drink on this flight. I’m going to take one for the team. I’m going to be the designated door opener and make sure we’re safe if we need that.”

NICOLE: Also, they don’t go over how you open the door. The only thing they do is: “Are you willing and able to help in an emergency?” And you can’t just say, “Uh-huh.” You have to look at them and go, “Uh-huh.” I was like, “Just because you asked me to look at you doesn’t mean I’m coherent. It’s just one demand. And I can do that for you and then go right back to being shitfaced.”

SASHEER: They should do pinky promises. “Do you pinky promise that you will be responsible enough to open this door?”

NICOLE: I mean, honestly, I take pinky promises pretty seriously, so I think they should get into that.

SASHEER: I think there is an instruction manual in the pocket in front of the seat, but then I don’t think they even tell you that you should read that.

NICOLE: No, I think they’re like, “It’s a light suggestion.” But also, I’m not reading it. It’s dirty. I don’t know how many people’s hands have been on it. I don’t know if someone puked in a puke bag and then put it in the seat back pocket, right up next to that thing. Planes are sick. They’re dirty. They’re nasty.

SASHEER: They’re nasty.

NICOLE: They’re so gross. You know, I clean most of the planes I get on. And then I look at the little rag, and I’m like, “This rag is dirty. You said this flight was delayed because y’all were cleaning it. How? How were you cleaning it?”

SASHEER: I guess they do something, but they need more time to clean a plane in between deplaning a whole plane and boarding it. Like, you going in there for ten minutes is not going to clean the whole plane. I’m sure they vacuumed something or maybe picked up trash, but you can’t disinfect everything.

NICOLE: No. But I guess it’s like a bus. When do buses get disinfected? At night when they go to sleep?

SASHEER: I think when I go to sleep. Yeah. They can’t do it in between shifts. They’re working all day.

NICOLE: I think planes are the same thing.

SASHEER: Yeah, it’s true.

NICOLE: Which is crazy because you’re sitting there for, like, five fucking hours. Here’s the craziest thing about Hawaii. It took six hours to get there–truly the worst turbulence I’ve ever felt. But also, it rocked me to sleep, so I kind of liked it. I like turbulence because it does put me to sleep. But then the flight back was a redeye, and it was four and a half hours. And I was like, “You can’t… No. The red-eye should be six hours, and the flight during the day should be four and a half hours.” It fucked me up!

SASHEER: Is it, like, the wind or something?

NICOLE: Yes, because when you fly east, the wind, I think, is going with you. Whenever I fly to New York, it’s shorter than when you fly back to LA. I was flying west, west, west of Hawaii and then flying east back. But I couldn’t believe it. I was like, “I barely had time to sleep!”

SASHEER: “Do another lap.”

NICOLE: “The rotation of the Earth helps, too”? What? Oh, yeah! The Earth does spin. That’s crazy.

SASHEER: We’re, like, propelling off the inertia of the Earth?

NICOLE: No, the Earth is spinning. So that slow spin helps the plane move a little faster because it’s spinning with it.

SASHEER: So–okay–if a plane is, like, hovering in the air… Maybe a drone. Do planes hover? Can they just stay in one spot? Maybe not. Okay, a drone. They can stay stationary in one spot. How long do you think it can stay there before the Earth rotates enough that it’s in a different place?

NICOLE: Think about the sun. So, like, as slowly as the sun would move, that would move, right?

SASHEER: Well, I guess the sun’s not moving. But yeah, as we visibly see it. You mean like that?

NICOLE: Because the sun doesn’t move. The Earth is moving.

SASHEER: Yeah.

NICOLE: So, if it could stay stationary at one spot… I don’t know. I’m not a fucking scientist.

SASHEER: No, I think you’re right.

NICOLE: Okay, great. I am a scientist.

SASHEER: You’re a scientist. This is science. And we are very correct.

NICOLE: We’re so correct. And we’re never going to look up the real answer. Dr. Byer in the house!

SASHEER: Some person reviewed our podcast and said that you don’t learn anything from this podcast. They’re wrong. We are teachers. We’re instructors. We are scientists.

NICOLE: Unfortunately, when I had COVID, I got so bored of just being on my couch, I was like, “I’m going to read reviews.”

SASHEER: “I want to feel worse.”

NICOLE: There was a ton of lovely, wonderful reviews. And then one person was like, “They give borderline bad, harmful advice. And it really just is not educational. It really just shows off how uneducated they are–mostly Nicole.” And I was like, “Okay, but I am smart. But I guess I just don’t…” The way I’m explaining this, I sound like an idiot. I think I just don’t think. My brain moves at a different speed than my mouth. And it’s hard.

SASHEER: Yeah.

JORDAN: I would like to say neither of you are dumb or idiotic. And you guys ask questions that I know a lot of people ask. Yeah, it might come out weird. But we do research it, and we figure it out. This is called Best Friends. This isn’t Best Friends Who Teach You How the Universe Works.

SASHEER: We’ve never lied about that. We’ve never tried to advertise this as an educational podcast.

NICOLE: No. I’m never trying to educate anybody. I just want to make people tee-hee-hee and giggle. And that person I don’t think came here wanting to giggle.

SASHEER: Yeah. And I hope they find the show that’s for them. I hope they went somewhere else.

NICOLE: Me too. Yeah. Go fucking find Bill Nye. He’s the Science Guy.

SASHEER: It’s in his name! You will definitely learn something on his podcast.

NICOLE: You’ll learn something from him! I think I want to learn how to dive.

SASHEER: Dive? Into the water?

NICOLE: Yeah, I think I want to find more ocean stuff. And that didn’t come out very smart. But I want to see more of the ocean.

SASHEER: Oh, scuba dive?

NICOLE: Yes. What kind of diving did you think? Like, mining?

SASHEER: Like, off of a diving board. Like, Olympic diving. The sport, I guess? Competitive diving.

NICOLE: No, Olympic diving worries me because you’re not as buoyant in a pool as you are in the ocean. So, like, you can jump off a boat, and you’ll come right back up. But if you go into a pool, you can hit the bottom and then look up and go, “I have so much to go. I don’t know if I have the lung capacity.” Has that ever happened to you in a pool? You’re like, “Oh no. Deeper than I thought.”

SASHEER: I guess maybe when I was a kid. Yeah. Definitely jumping in there and being like, “Oh, this is going to take a while. Yeah.”

NICOLE: Yeah. It’s happened to me too many times that I’m like, “I don’t think I could dive off a diving board into a very deep pool.” But yeah, I think I want to, like, scuba dive. But here’s the thing. Do they make wetsuits in plus size? I tried finding a ski suit in plus size, and I couldn’t really find one. But also, I was looking for a vintage one.

SASHEER: Well, that’s very specific. It was a very specific vibe.

NICOLE: I was looking for a purple one, and I couldn’t find one.

SASHEER: Wait, are you going skiing?

NICOLE: No. Just in case. Just in case someone invites me skiing, I’ll have a ski suit.

SASHEER: Yeah. You gotta dress for the activities you want.

NICOLE: Yes. And hopefully, I’ll… Oh, okay. They do make plus sized wetsuits.

SASHEER: Judith found some wetsuits.

NICOLE: Okay. Temu has one for $14. I will probably get so cold, and it won’t do anything for me. Oh, scuba.com.

SASHEER: That sounds official.

NICOLE: It does sound official. I think this summer I’m going to try to figure out how to take, like, some sort of diving course.

SASHEER: Nice.

NICOLE: I think it would be really cool because, like, I want to befriend some ocean animals.

SASHEER: And then no one can hear you talking to them. It will be an intimate conversation between you and the fish.

NICOLE: Yes. I want to meet a manatee. Apparently–I think it’s manatees–you are not supposed to touch them, but they can touch you. And they can give you hugs and stuff, but you just can’t, like, reciprocate the hug. And I was like, “Oh, my God. To be hugged by a manatee.” I would never, you know, be sad about being single again. I’d be like, “I was hugged by a manatee.”

SASHEER: Yeah, a real manatee.

NICOLE: A real manatee. More than a man–a manatee.

SASHEER: I think I’d also feel like the queen of the ocean. “I’ve been chosen.”

NICOLE: Right? Do you remember when we were in Hawaii and the guy on the boat was like, “Oh, if you make noises, the dolphins will come.” And then I immediately was like, “Honk! Honk!”

SASHEER: And I think everyone was just clapping.

NICOLE: Well, they didn’t start clapping until the dolphins came. And then I was like, “These are my dolphins. I called them.”

SASHEER: “I brought them here.”

NICOLE: You felt stupid about doing it.

SASHEER: And they’re like, “Oh, we’ve been called!”

NICOLE: “The Queen of the Ocean wants us.”

SASHEER: “Hark! I hear her calling.”

NICOLE: Yeah. I keep being like, “Okay, do I move to Zimbabwe? Should I take a diving class?” I just want to be in the ocean.

SASHEER: I mean, we got to get you closer to the water.

NICOLE: I just love it so much.

SASHEER: Yeah. Yeah! That sounds very cool. I’m sure there’s a course that you can take or something nearby.

NICOLE: I wonder how cold the water… Yeah. That’s why I’m gonna wait till summer. The water is so cold over here.

SASHEER: Yeah.

NICOLE: But yeah. Imagine meeting a seal. “Arf! Arf! Arf!”

SASHEER: Yeah. I think it’d be like that.

NICOLE: I just want to meet animals. So, when I was little, I was super into animals. And I drew a lot. And I had these, like, aquatic animal books that I would draw things from. And I love drawing seahorses. And then I got older, and I was like, “I don’t care. Whatever.” It wasn’t an active thing where I was like, “I don’t care about the ocean or animals anymore.” But the older I get, the more I’m like, “I love animals.”

SASHEER: Yeah, maybe it’s some, like, inner child stuff happening or some healing stuff. I think that does happen to adults. After a while, you’re like, “Oh, I should just revisit the thing that made me really happy when I was younger, as opposed to all this other stuff that bogged me down as an adult or, like, got in the way. I could just actually enjoy the things that make me feel good.” You know?

NICOLE: Yeah, I guess it’s the same with decorating. It wasn’t like my creativity was stifled with decorating because I was like, “Mummy, I like purple.” So, everything in my room was purple because I loved it so much. So, I felt very creatively seen. And then, I think, when I got older, I was like, “Oh, it doesn’t matter if your space is reflective of what you like and who you are.” It was like, “The rent is cheap, and we’re not spending any more money on decorating because we gotta get drunk.” And I think now the older I get, the more I’m like, “No, no. We can get drunk any old time, but I will hang this wallpaper. I will buy another weird painting.” I bought a weird painting of a weird dog and I’m so excited for it to come. It was, I think, $8.00. I found it on Cherish. It’s great. I can’t wait.

SASHEER: I’m very excited to see it. A weird painting of a weird dog…

NICOLE: And I found animal bookends. I found a toucan bookend, a horse bookend, and a pig bookend–and flamingo ones. I was like, “Am I a book end lady now?” And I was like, “Yes, I am!”

SASHEER: She is a bookend lady. I like that.

NICOLE: I love it! Yeah. You hung curtains recently.

SASHEER: I did, yes, I’ve been doing a lot of tedious housework–stuff that I’ve been putting off for so long. And I had this curtain. Actually, I must say, all the curtain rods in my home were left over from the previous owner. I can’t tell if she was like, “I don’t feel like removing the curtain rods,” or if she was like, “I’m going to be generous because these are curtain rods that fit the size of this window and that’ll be easier to leave up for her than to, like, have her find new curtain rods.” I don’t know what the thought process was, but I was grateful because I was like, “Thank God. One last thing I had to do. I’ll just put my curtains on those curtain rods.” But there was one that was, like, just thicker than the normal curtain rod. And the curtains I had didn’t glide the way that I wanted them to. They just kind of were a little sticky. And then I had these gold, velvet curtains that are great on their own. But I just needed, like, a little bit more. So, I put some blue velvet curtains in between the two gold panels. And it looks so pretty, and I’m so happy! And I changed that whole curtain rod to a thinner curtain rod that glides with so much ease.

NICOLE: Oh, that’s stunning. Beautiful. I love it. The next thing I have to do is I bought a bunch of speakers, and I put them in different rooms so I could have ambiance and music and all of the rooms that you go into. You’re like, “Oh, the music’s following me.” But I don’t know how to fucking do it. And Sonos made it really, really hard. And I can’t figure it out.

SASHEER: I want to do the exact same thing.

NICOLE: Well, I think what I need to do is not plug them all in at once and do it one at a time.

SASHEER: Ooh. Yes. Probably. Yeah. You probably have to program them individually or something.

NICOLE: Yes. And I don’t want to. I wanted to plug them all in and be like, “All right. Work.” And that’s not it.

SASHEER: “All of you, connect to my phone.”

NICOLE: Maybe I’ll do that tomorrow.

SASHEER: Yeah.

NICOLE: I don’t want to. I think I have things to do tomorrow, and I don’t want to. I just want to sit, which is funny because I sat with COVID and was like, “I just want to do things.”

SASHEER: But this is a different kind of sick because it’s not… At least I wasn’t productive at all. I think we talked about this. We would do one thing and be like, “Ooh. Gotta lay down. That was a hard day. I put dishes in the dishwasher. I didn’t wash them, but I put some in. And now I’m exhausted.”

NICOLE: “Oh, boy.” Ooh. That’s something I need to do. I need to put my dishes in the dishwasher.

SASHEER: Yeah. There we go.

NICOLE: Because I got pancakes yesterday from a restaurant I will not name because I used to really like them. They’ve gone a little downhill, but I don’t want to, like, affect their business. And I ordered pancakes. And I know–risky to order pancakes to leave a restaurant to come to you.

SASHEER: They don’t travel well.

NICOLE: No, but they looked like they traveled well. The taste was just off. They were, like, slightly funky. And then they didn’t give me enough syrup. And I was just really upset. And Clyde was staring at me. And I was like, “I know! Usually, I get food, and I eat it. But, like, I don’t want this.” And he was like, “Well, can I have it?” And I was like, “No, I don’t think you can eat pancakes.” So, then no one ate the pancakes.

SASHEER: Dang. What a waste.

NICOLE: Yeah, it was a real waste. And I felt just like a nasty, little, wasteful bitch.

SASHEER: Do you ever make pancakes at home?

NICOLE: You better believe I bought pancake mix and syrup because I said, “Why don’t you just make them at home?” And then I was like, “I can’t do that.” And then I ordered them. But I have the ingredients to make them in-house.

SASHEER: You can make in-house pancakes?

NICOLE: Yeah! I can make them in-house! Can I tell you what–next to pancakes–my new favorite meal is?

SASHEER: Okay.

NICOLE: It’s a bagel with cream cheese, scrambled eggs, and bacon.

SASHEER: Oh!

NICOLE: I’ve never put them all together before. It’s really good.

SASHEER: That sounds very good. I’ve had bacon and egg on a bagel but not with cream cheese.

NICOLE: But I don’t want it, like, closed as a sandwich. I like it open-faced because otherwise the cream cheese gets a little too runny. But you have to, like, make it as you go. And I had a nice time.

SASHEER: Wow. Okay. What a combo. I’m into it. My favorite combo for bagels is cinnamon raisin bagels with bacon, egg, and cheddar. It’s like breakfast in a bite. It is sweet and savory–cheesy.

NICOLE: That sounds delicious. I used to only eat cinnamon raisin bagels because that’s the only bagel my dad liked. And I guess my mother was like, “Well, I simply won’t get a different kind.” It wasn’t till, like, I moved out that I was like, “Plain bagels exist?”

SASHEER: That’s really funny. You never experienced a plain bagel. You immediately went to the cinnamon raisin, which I feel like is a rare thing that even people like. I don’t even know of many people who like cinnamon raisin.

NICOLE: I grew up on cinnamon raisin bagels. Isn’t that wild?

SASHEER: That’s funny. Yeah.

NICOLE: I love them. They’re so good. Although whenever I have them, it just reminds me of my dead papa.

SASHEER: That can be nice sometimes.

NICOLE: Sometimes it is. And other times I go, “I just want to be normal and have living parents. I just want to have a breakfast and not be reminded that I’m different.”

SASHEER: “I just want to be normal!”

NICOLE: “I just want to be a normal girl with two healthy parents! Maybe they’re divorced.”

SASHEER: I just wanted a boring bagel. But now I think of my dad!”

NICOLE: “Now I’m gonna think about my dead daddy and what he’s taught me.”

SASHEER: Yeah, every bagel is a lesson.

NICOLE: Oh, boy.

SASHEER: Should we answer questions?

NICOLE: Yeah. Let’s answer questions. My uncle has a snow blower. And it was snowing in Chicago the other week. And instead of going out to help my grandpa, he just took a picture of him and said, “Shoveling snow.” And I was like, “What?”

SASHEER: “Look at him go. Can you believe this old man’s doing this all by himself?”

NICOLE: Why are we doing this to him? Oh, boy. I just wanted to tell you that. It really made me laugh.

SASHEER: Do you think maybe he thought he was showing the family, like, “He’s still got it! He’s doing so well! Look at him!”?

NICOLE: I’m 100% sure that’s what he thought he was doing. But I very much was like, “Can you go outside and help him?”

SASHEER: “Can you help him, please?” Yeah. That is very funny.

NICOLE: Okay. All right. Now we can help people.

SASHEER: Yes.

CALLER: Hello there. I have a question about hosting friends. So, I’m 25, and I have finally, for the first time, enough space and friends to host a dinner party or event of some kind. I don’t want it to be, like, a stand around, drink alcohol, and vibe party, you know? I want it to be, like, a little more structured, a little more fun, a little more mature and grown up. But I don’t know how to make that enjoyable for people. I would probably invite, like, probably six to ten people. None of them really know each other that well. There’s, like, one or two that know each other, but not… It’s not, like, a friend group, you know? So, I’m wondering what kind of parties, dinner parties, or weekend hangs have you guys been to that you really enjoyed and remember? What makes for a good group hangout session? How do I bridge the gap between new people? Do I need, like, activities? I would definitely have snacks. I have plenty of chairs, Sasheer. Don’t worry about that. What else do people do? You know? How do I make sure everyone has, like, a nice time? So, yeah, hosting tips would be lovely. Thank you so very much.

SASHEER: I’m so glad they have chairs. I was really worried. I was like, “Six to ten? People? I hope they can all sit somewhere.” Thankfully they can. Actually, one of my friends just went to a… The host called it “Questions and Dinner Party.” So, it was dinner. And then I think they had Esther Perel’s question pack. I guess she has a card pack maybe of questions to ask people. I haven’t looked into it, but there’s many things like this. And you just kind of use the prompts and, like, answer questions individually. And I think it was kind of the same thing where not everyone was a close friend or maybe some people knew each other. But you get to know each other very quickly. One that I have done is called “We’re Not Really Strangers,” where it’s questions like, “Do you have any goals you haven’t reached or any regrets? What’s a secret you haven’t told anyone?” Very kind of invasive questions.

NICOLE: “What do you regret most in your life? Do you like these mashed potatoes?”

SASHEER: “What’s the saddest you’ve ever been?”

NICOLE: “Do you miss your dad? I have bagels.”

SASHEER: Yeah. “I have cinnamon raisin bagels. Do they remind you of your father?” And maybe you could be like, “You don’t have to answer all the questions if you don’t want to.” But I think that’s a good, easy icebreaker. No one has to think of these questions because they already exist. Oh, and Jordan sent one. What is this? This is… “The Hygge Game?”

JORDAN: It’s Scandinavian.

NICOLE: Oh! We’re global.

JORDAN: It’s similar to what you said, Sasheer. It’s a cozy conversation and pleasant company game where you just pull a card, and it just says, like, “Describe one moment in your life that you were, like, really scared or really happy.” And it’s a ton of different cards. And it’s a conversation game. I actually did it with my family, and it was actually really enlightening.

SASHEER: Ooh. That sounds great.

NICOLE: I like that. I think those are fun, nice things. I think we get older, and we’re like, “We can’t play games anymore.” But you can also just, like, have a dinner and a game night, where it’s, like, if everyone wants to play monopoly or whatever games that you have, I do love the conversation thing. You can also have a themed party where it’s like, “Problem party! If you have a problem that you want solved, bring your problem. And we’ll all brainstorm on how to fix it for you.”

SASHEER: I love that.

NICOLE: I just came up with it!

SASHEER: That’s really good. I love it. You probably, like, already exhausted your friends on whatever is plaguing you at the moment, so why not get some strangers to put their input in, too?

NICOLE: Yeah! Why not? In the invite, you could be like, “It doesn’t have to be a deep problem. It could be like, ‘My neighbor’s annoying me,’ or ‘I want to start wearing more colorful shoes.’” I don’t know. “What brands are there for colorful shoes?” “I don’t really know how to go to Subway and order a sandwich. Help!”

SASHEER: “How do I talk to the fish without people listening to my conversation?”

NICOLE: I mean, I would really like to know. I really would because those were private ooh and aahs to me and the fish. And other people were listening.

SASHEER: Yeah. Invasive.

NICOLE: But yeah, I think that’s a fun one. Yeah, I think you could get really creative. Also, Sasheer and I do themed dinners with a couple of girlfriends. Last time, we did leopard print, and we were the belle of the fucking ball at the restaurant. People loved it. And they were like, “What are you celebrating?” And we were like, “Friendship!” But also, if you’re not loud like that and you don’t know if your friends have leopard print… Also, you’re not the first group I’ve made wear leopard print.

SASHEER: Whoa. Why didn’t you tell me that?

NICOLE: I made a bunch of boys wear leopard print. It was very fun for me. Sorry! Sorry about it!

SASHEER: Excuse me? I’m not the first group? What?

NICOLE: Sorry. Yeah. I made a bunch of boys figure out how to wear leopard print. It was, like, my improv team years ago. Oh my God. Sasheer’s throwing things now?

SASHEER: I’m really upset.

NICOLE: My God, I didn’t know this would rock you so bad. But you could throw, like, a theme party where everyone has to show up head to toe in a color. Or, like, red shirts, green pants… I don’t know.

SASHEER: Or they wear their own favorite color, and they have to explain why it’s their favorite–or their favorite animal and have to explain why that’s their favorite animal.

NICOLE: There’s, like, a bunch of fun– And I think people feel silly doing it. But people love fun.

SASHEER: Yeah. And being told to have a reason to have fun.

NICOLE: Yeah. Solved!

SASHEER: Solved!

NICOLE: Oh, and get some good butter and baguettes.

SASHEER: You got to have good butter and baguettes.

NICOLE: Well, I love French butter. And if I went to a party where someone broke out some French butter, I’d be like, “This is the party of the year.” “Am I the asshole?” Oooh.

SASHEER: “Hi, beautiful friends. Let me get right into it. A few months ago, a group of friends and I went out drinking and dancing. We were all having a great time, and the drinks were flowing. After some time, our group of six dwindled down to just three of us: me, a female friend–let’s call her Nancy–and a male friend–let’s call him Tony. It was planned that I would be crashing at Nancy’s place, as we had plans the next day as well. Tony ended up paying for a taxi to get the three of us back to Nancy’s place. He lives in the same city, so I thought he would just carry on home because who doesn’t love to sleep in their own bed after a long night out? But no. Tony decided he would crash on Nancy’s couch. Nancy lives in an apartment with two roommates, so we basically just hang out in her room until we decide it’s time to go to bed. Nancy and I share a bed, and Tony’s on the couch. The couch is in Nancy’s room, too. I fell asleep immediately and was enjoying a much-needed sleep when I was woken up by Nancy being fingered by Tony right next to me in bed.” All right. Now you can read.

NICOLE: “I had no idea what to do and ended up pretending to be asleep. They ended up fucking right next to me in bed and didn’t say a word about it the next day, even though I know that they knew I was awake because who can stay who sleep with the bed shaking, moaning, and wet noises happening right next to them? Needless to say, the morning after, no one mentioned it, and I personally felt very violated. I ended up talking to them about it and asking them both for a little bit of space. Once I felt like enough time had passed, I messaged them that I would like to restart the friendship, but we needed to take it slow. Since then, it has been radio silence from their side–no effort at all to try to rekindle the friendship.”

SASHEER: “Am I the asshole for reacting the way that I did and not wanting to run after them to be their friends, even though they were the ones who did something wrong? I get it. People be horny. But do you have to have sex next to someone who is just trying to sleep? Sorry for the long email. I love you both and honestly cry with laughter while listening to the podcast.” Damn.

NICOLE: Yeah. Wow. I do not think you are the asshole. Has that ever happened to you, Sasheer?

SASHEER: Oh, okay. Someone has definitely fucked in the next room. Like, I’ve had, like, thin walls in my college apartments where I just heard fucking so loud. And then I guess there was… You know what? I did have a roommate who told me years later, “Oh, I fucked in our room while you were sleeping, like, in a different bed.” And I was like, “What?” Like, I knew there was one time where a guy was, like, making out with her, and I was like, “Could you not? I have to sleep. I need sleep. I’m studying, and I have finals in the morning.” And then I guess they just waited for me to go to sleep and probably fucked. But never in the same bed. And no one’s ever been directly next to me and had sex. No.

NICOLE: Yeah. I’ve never had anyone have sex in the same bed as me. But once in college–if you want to call it college–our beds were very close to one another. And I was sleeping. And I woke up. And the window was steamy, and the room smelled like a locker room. And I was like, “What?” And I look over, and my roommate’s little toes were curled up in the air. And I was like, “You have got to be fucking kidding me.” And then I woke up, and I was like, “I’ll just be sitting in the hallway. Let me know when you’re fucking done.” I was like, “I can’t sleep. It’s moist in here. It’s nasty.”

SASHEER: Eww!

NICOLE: Her little toes were shaking in the air. It was nasty. I was so mad.

SASHEER: And so, they just finished while you were in the hall? That’s so rude!

NICOLE: Yes! And she’s like, “I’m really sorry.” And I was like, “You’re not, and it’s fine.”

SASHEER: Yeah. “You’re not because you would have just stopped.” She was like, “Okay, I’ll let you know when I’m finished.” What?

NICOLE: And it was only, like, a good five or six minutes. I think she was like, “You have to finish. She’s mad.” And then the next day, I was like, “Guys, I just don’t want to be home for this. Like, please–”

SASHEER: “Give me a heads up.”

NICOLE: Yeah. “Let me know. I won’t come home. I’ll go find something to do or I’ll go sleep at somebody else’s place.” And then I think they got a hotel for the rest of the weekend, but I was like, “Jesus fucking Christ.” I cannot imagine fingering someone, looking deep into their eyes, and then looking at someone who’s sleeping next to them?

SASHEER: Yeah. That’s so rude.

NICOLE: It’s insane!

SASHEER: I mean, maybe there’s, like, some sort of turn-on. I mean, I know there’s a turn-on of people like, “Could we get caught?”

NICOLE: And it’s like, “You will. She’s next to you.”

SASHEER: She’ll feel the vibrations.

NICOLE: Her body feels everything you’re doing.

SASHEER: It’s just so rude.

NICOLE: Yeah. I will say, our listener took space and then was like, “I would like to rekindle the friendship,” but also it is within their rights to go, “This person overreacted. We don’t like it. We don’t want to talk to you.” I don’t think that makes you an asshole. I think they made a choice–an insane choice. But also, maybe they’re, like, ashamed.

SASHEER: I was about to say, I don’t think the reason they’re not responding is because they think she’s the asshole. I think they’re not responding because they are embarrassed or just, like, ashamed. Yeah, I think they’re ashamed. They’re like, “This is awkward. We got called out because we did do a bad thing. And I don’t want to be reminded of that. So, I would just rather not talk,” which is a shitty way to deal with that. But also, these people don’t sound like good people, so, like, I’m not terribly surprised.

NICOLE: I it is also… I will say to our listener, there was hints along the way that this might have happened. I’m not blaming you. But the fact that he didn’t go home, and you all were, like, tee-hee-heeing in her room and staying awake… I personally would have been like, “Oh, Tony’s sleeping in the room with us? I might want to sleep on the couch. Tony’s not going to his home, which is close? I think I’ll sleep on the couch if y’all wanna be in the room together.” Or it would have been like, “Tony sleeps on the couch in the living room if I wasn’t going to be fucking Tony.” But I think Tony and Nancy was going to fuck regardless of where you were.

SASHEER: Yeah, but the issue was that the couch was just in her room, unfortunately.

NICOLE: But there was no living room?

SASHEER: I don’t think the living room was an option.

JUDITH: They had roommates.

SASHEER: Oh, they had roommates is what it was.

JORDAN: So, the couch was in her room. So, Sasheer, you were right.

NICOLE: Oh, I see. I see.

SASHEER: So, they were already just in the same room. There was never a separation, which–yeah–I think at some point I would have also been like, “It seems like I’m the third wheel. It seems like something’s going on here.”

NICOLE: “Yeah. Should I step out for a little bit? I can sit in the hallway while y’all fuck.”

SASHEER: Yeah. Which sucks because had– Well, she didn’t have to stay at Nancy’s. But that was the agreement–that she would stay over. But now there’s a dick here. So, things have changed.

NICOLE: But also, if I’m Nancy… And I know Nancy might have had Nancy’s own reasonings. But if I’m trying to get fucked, I would have told my friend. I would have been like, “I’m really sorry. I need to get him in. This seems like a sure thing. Do you mind hanging out somewhere else for a little bit or…?”

SASHEER: Yeah.

NICOLE: Something. Trying to work it out. Tell your roommates my friend is coming. “Can you just, like, talk to her for a little bit because I have to have sex.”

SASHEER: But also, guy has a place that he lives. So, Nancy could have went to his place, and then homegirl could have just went to sleep and just went to Nancy’s by herself and been like, “I’ll see you when you come home,” as opposed to, “Let’s all go to Nancy’s.”

NICOLE: Maybe they were hoping she would wake up and be like, “Ooh la la! Finger me, too!”

SASHEER: Oh, maybe. I mean, yes, maybe. But that’s also shitty. Like, it’s really just a shitty position to put anyone in–period–because, like, either you have to say, “I don’t like this. Please stop doing this right next to me,” or, I guess, like, “I have no choice but to join.” But then, like, hopefully you want to do that and don’t feel pressured to do that. Or you just pretend you’re asleep and that sucks because now you just, like, have this… This person’s right. They were violated. Like, you didn’t ask for sex to happen around you.

NICOLE: Yeah. Like, that’s shitty. And then, honestly, maybe you’re dodging a bullet with these people not wanting to rekindle their friendship because they’re gross. Like, that’s so gross. Also, I wonder how old you guys are. I hope this is, like, early 20s, but still.

SASHEER: This sounds like a young problem. Yeah. Jordan said that maybe it’s a kink to do it next to somebody. Yeah. I mean, yeah, probably. Yeah. It’s really, like, big of you to even reach out and be like, “I’m down to rekindle the friendship.” But I don’t think you should. I don’t think you need to. Find better friends.

NICOLE: Yeah. Yeah. I’ll never forget my roommate’s toes just curled up in the air. It was so gross. I was so upset.

SASHEER: Well… If you have any questions or queries or complaints about people having sex right next to you or anywhere else that you don’t want, you can email nicoleandsasheer@gmail.com–or call or text or leave a voicemail at (424) 645-7003.

NICOLE: And if there’s people naked having sex near you, we have merch at podswag.com/bestfriends.

SASHEER: You can put a shirt on them.

NICOLE: Put a shirt right on those idiots.

SASHEER: And if you want to deter them from still having sex, you can read them our transcripts. We have transcripts for our new episodes. You can check them out on our show page at earwolf.com.

NICOLE: And if you want someone to lose their erection or dry them right up, tell them to rate, review, and subscribe. It’s the easiest way to support this show. Imagine if she woke up and was like, “Hey! Can you stop right now and rate and review and subscribe to Best Friends?” I think he’d be like, “Ugh!”

SASHEER: I don’t know what you’re talking about. I would get so wet if someone told me to rate, review, and subscribe Best Friends.

NICOLE: You heard it here first. Sasheer’s kink is asking for herself to be rated, reviewed, and subscribed to.

SASHEER: “Oh, my God! You want to rate my podcast?”

NICOLE: Ew! There is someone out there with that kink. They’re like, “God, you subscribed to me? Oh!” Bye!

SASHEER: Bye.