EP. 177 — A True (Modern) Love Story

[00:01:23] CHRIS: Hello to everybody who wants to claim they didn’t make the first move. It’s Beautiful Anonymous. One hour. One phone call. No names. No holds barred.

[00:01:24] THEME MUSIC: I’d rather go one-on-one. I think it’ll be more fun and I’ll get to know you and you’ll get to know me.

[00:01:46] CHRIS: Hi everybody, Chris Gethard here, welcome to Beautiful Anonymous. You know, just last night I met somebody who was a fan of the show and it was very nice. That always means the world, she said it’s so innovative! And I always say it’s not innovative. It shouldn’t feel innovative. It’s a phone call where we talk and we listen and I think that that is rare these days. But that’s something we got to fight against as a community. We gotta spread this idea that we’ll listen to each other without judgment, take care of each other, feel the bravery to open up and feel the compassion to listen. And thanks to everybody who listens so sincerely. Hey, very last minute booking, if you’re in western Washington/Seattle area, the Thing Festival has booked a live Beautiful Anonymous for this weekend. So if you’re heading to the Thing Festival, come say hello. If you’re on the fence about going, get that pass, baby, come on out. I believe the live Beautiful Anonymous show is on Sunday night, it’s gonna be really fun. It’s the first live show we’ve done in a while. And of course, I’ve been saying on the show, we also have live shows coming up in London and Woodstock, New York and Detroit, Michigan, and then stand up all over. Opening a second show in Buffalo, because that’s sold out, a third show in Philly, a second show in Asbury Park. Also have shows on sale in Richmond and Baltimore. Meet me, say hi, I need an uncomfortably long hug. Let’s do it. 

This week’s episode, a fascinating one. One of the great love stories I’ve heard in my lifetime, fiction or nonfiction. I’ll put out there that in the first half of the call, there’s some really frank talk of life in a mental health treatment facility. Some very frank talk about eating disorders. Sometimes people want a heads up when those topics are coming. So here is your heads up. A love story unfolds that is so unlikely. And that, more than anything, shows that real life is not simple. Real life is layered. Real life can’t be summed up in bullet points. Real life – you just roll with the punches and take what you’re handed and you’ll find love inside of it. It’s simultaneously sad, yet very funny. Most of all, I think it’s hopeful and I really think you’re going to enjoy it.

[00:03:52] PHONE ROBOT: Thank you for calling Beautiful Anonymous. A beeping noise will indicate when you are on the show with the host. [Beep] 

[00:04:00] CHRIS: Hello? 

[00:04:00] CALLER: Hello? Oh, my God. Hi! 

[00:04:04] CHRIS: Hi. How’s it going? 

[00:04:06] CALLER: Is this Chris?

[00:04:07] CHRIS: Yeah, yeah, it’s Chris.

[00:04:09] CALLER: I am going to, I’m currently watching a little baby. I am going to pick her up and take her hopefully outside as long as it sounds okay. But how are you? 

[00:04:18] CHRIS: I’m good. This is our second call of the day, so I feel warmed up.

[00:04:23] CALLER: Oh, man. OK. Yeah.

[00:04:26] CHRIS: Yeah, getting out of my head a little bit. I was all depressed before, but the calls always snap me out of it, so feeling good.

[00:04:32] CALLER: Well that’s good, I’m sorry you were feeling a little down, but I’m glad you’re feeling better.

[00:04:35] CHRIS: These things happen. These things happen. You’re watching a baby. How old is this baby?  

[00:04:41] CALLER: She is almost ten months.

[00:04:43] CHRIS: Almost ten months, OK.

[00:04:46] CALLER: Yeah, I know you’re a new father also.

[00:04:48] CHRIS: Three months, I’m three months into it. And if the baby makes a bunch of noise, that’s OK.

[00:04:52] CALLER: Yeah, I figured you would understand. So I was just going to say I started watching her when  she was about like three and a half month, so I’m familiar with the age for sure.

[00:05:01] CHRIS: Are you, are you just a babysitter or a nanny or what are we talkin’?

[00:05:07] CALLER: I am, yes. So I, I’m outside now, so let me know if this sounds bad. I started, I worked at a restaurant, but wasn’t making a whole lot of money there. So I started nannying to help with some money. But then things picked up with the restaurant, so I stopped nannying her and now I just pick up babysitting here and there when they need me. So I still get to see her, which is nice.

[00:05:30] CHRIS: Got it. That’s cool! That’s cool. 

[00:05:33] CALLER: Yeah.

[00:05:34] CHRIS: It’s fun to hang out with a baby. 

[00:05:36] CALLER: Oh, my God, it’s the best, it makes me so happy. I’m sure it’s different parenting a baby. I’m sorry if it gets exhausting, but –  

[00:05:42] CHRIS: Oh, it’s very exhausting. 

[00:05:43] CALLER: It’s fun.

[00:05:44] CHRIS: It’s so fun and so nice. Even when they poop so much that it shoots up the back of their diaper all the way up to their shoulder blades.

[00:05:50] CALLER: Oh my god, isn’t that so fun?! It’s crazy, I –

[00:05:44] CHRIS: My son, he pooped on his shoulder blades! How do you poop that much?

[00:05:57] CALLER: It’s incredible. I mean, it’s, I mean, thank God we don’t do that still, like that would be terrible, if we all still pooped up to our shoulder blades.

[00:06:07] CHRIS: Yeah. We’d go extinct as a species.

[00:06:09] CALLER: Yeah, thank God they grow out of it.

[00:06:07] CHRIS: Oh, we we’d spend all our time cleaning up and we’d have no time to actually survive as a species. Yeah. 

[00:06:17] CALLER: Yeah. I can tell you for sure, at least my little one has moved on to more solid poop. So you have that to look forward to, hopefully in your near future.

[00:06:25] CHRIS: Nice. Can’t wait for a good solid poop. It’s not this weird –

[00:06:29] CALLER: Yeah right? 

[00:06:30] CHRIS: Yellowish brown goop.

[00:06:33] CALLER: Yeah, it’s scary! You’re just like, this can’t be normal!

[00:06:36] CHRIS: Yeah

[00:06:36] CALLER: But it is, and it’s OK.

[00:06:39] CHRIS: He recently, he didn’t poop for 10 days, which I guess is normal for –

[00:06:42] CALLER: What?!

[00:06:42] CHRIS: – a child his age.

[00:06:43] CALLER: Yeah I guess so.

[00:06:44] CHRIS: They say, cause when – they say with breastfed babies that they take in every nutrient from the breast milk, because it’s so efficient, so they don’t actually need to poop that much and then after that, I will tell you, after that 10 days, that first poop back – was 

[00:07:00] CALLER: Was that shoulder blade poop?

[00:07:01] CHRIS: Uh, it was a disaster in every way. In the places it went in the, in the smells it produced, it was – 

[00:07:11] CALLER: Oh no..

[00:07:11] CHRIS: A beautiful and joyous disaster. 

[00:07:15] CALLER: (laughs) Yeah, I feel like that’s just, that kind of sums up parenting and babies in the first place, doesn’t it? Just a beautiful and joyous disaster.

[00:07:22] CHRIS: I think so. I think so. Now, what would you like to talk about today?

[00:07:30] CALLER: Well, I don’t know. I mean, there’s there’s a lot. I feel like I’ve been trying to get on the show for ever so I’m super pumped that I’m actually here! Uhm, well, it was just my birthday a couple of days ago –

[00:07:42] CHRIS: Happy Birthday!

[00:07:44] CALLER: Oh, thank you. I appreciate that. It was kind of a bigger one for me. Not even in terms of like age and stuff. I don’t really like get, I don’t know, freak out about that or whatever, but I’ve actually spent my last two birthdays in residential treatment. Just for like mental health stuff. 

[00:08:02] CHRIS: Oh wow, OK.

[00:08:04] CALLER: Yeah. It’s kind of a cool and crazy experience to actually have a birthday for the first time in like three years outside of a facility. And like to be able to celebrate it with friends and family and all of that. That was super exciting. And I actually spent it with my girlfriend, who I actually met in treatment, which I know is sometimes frowned upon. But we actually became best friends there and had a really solid friendship for about like nine months or so. Neither of us – she’s a female, neither of us really even knew that we were gay, let alone attracted to each other. And yeah, a romance kind of formed from that and we are now very much in love! So I got to spend my birthday with her.

[00:08:57] CHRIS: Wait, wow. Wait a second. Caus that’s a hell of a story. Okay. First of all, I want to say that the idea of spending two birthdays in a row in a mental health treatment facility – it’s not ideal. I’m sorry you had to go through that. 

[00:09:11] CALLER: Yeah.

[00:09:12] CHRIS: I would imagine it creates a lot of –

[00:09:12] CALLER: That’s OK, thank you.  

[00:09:14] CHRIS: I would imagine it has to, as your birthday approaches this year, there must be some nerves there. And I applaud you for, for having the birthday sans treatment center. Now just so I’m clear on the details. Just so I’m clear on the details.

[00:09:30] CALLER: Yeah, go for it.

[00:09:34] CHRIS: You met your girlfriend in one of these facilities or in treatment that happened after one of these trips?

[00:09:42] CALLER: No. So in one of these facilities, so the last two years I’ve kind of been in and out of different settings, I guess, for the last few years, but the last two summers, I spent in like a residential facility for like the entire summer. Where like, we live there 24/7, that kind of deal. So I met her there this past summer, like last year.

[00:10:05] CHRIS: So you are in, would you call it a mental hospital? Or just a facility, an outpatient facility?

[00:10:13] CALLER: No, so kind of in between the two. I have been in, I was actually hospitalized like in an actual hospital during that stay actually, last year. But this is more of like a residential facility. So were there 24/7. 

[00:10:29] CHRIS: Yeah.

[00:10:30] CALLER: But it’s a little more like homey for lack of a better term, not like a hospital and like not that kind of idea of like a psych ward, but just like a residential 24/7, kind of deal, it’s like work on mental health stuff.

[00:10:45] CHRIS: I’ve looked those up. I’ve looked those up. So this is one of these places, because I’ve tried to find, on my darkest days, you know, when I’m sitting there thinking, do I have to call somebody? Do I have to call an ambulance? 

[00:10:56] CALLER: Yeah.

[00:10:57] CHRIS: And I try to look those ones up, like, where are these ones where you ge, kind of just go maybe go live outside the city for a while and they keep an eye on you –

[00:11:06] CALLER: Yeah.

[00:11:06] CHRIS: And you can walk around the grounds and just clear your head and turn off your phone –

[00:11:09] CALLER: Yes.

[00:11:09] CHRIS: and everybody kind of knows – so it’s one of those. It’s, it’s like the one from bottle rocket. You ever see that movie Bottle Rocket?

[00:11:17] CALLER: Oh no, I have not, I feel like I should, though.

[00:11:19] CHRIS: Guy starts out living in one of those. So you’re living in a facility, that’s, you’re buying some breathing room to focus on your mental health. You’ve had some stressful times, you can’t really deal with it. You are – you befriend a person, your friends for a long time. You say neither one of you had shown interest in dating people of the same sex prior. And now you are in love.

[00:11:46] CALLER: Mhm. Yeah, yeah. So, I mean, definitely – so she has questioned, I guess before in the past, she had never even dated anybody before me, but, you know, just I think, I think – and it’s a trap, I guess I have fallen into also just kind of being like, well, I’m a girl and I’m supposed to like boys. So I kind of think that that was her mentality for a while also. But knowing at least for like a year or two leading up to us meeting that she had questioned it here and there, never explored it enough to actually admit that this was like something that she could identify as or that she would then consider dating a girl or anything like that. But just like something that had crossed her mind a few times. And I, on the other hand, had not really ever considered it at all until, until her for sure.

[00:12:39] CHRIS: Wow. 

[00:12:42] CALLER: Yeah. 

[00:12:42] CHRIS: So when you guys are at a dinner party and somebody says, how’d you meet, that –

[00:12:42] CALLER: (laughs)

[00:12:47] CHRIS: That becomes, that’s the whole dinner party. That’s the whole dinner party right there.

[00:12:52] CALLER: Yeah, you could talk for hours. Yeah. It’s like, it’s not just like, oh, she came up to me at like a bar or yeah like, you know our friends introduced ourselves, like there’s a lot of explaining to do, for sure (both laugh). So we were both really suicidal and then we fell in love! It was great. 

[00:13:10] CHRIS: So you start talking and everybody else just kind of shuts up. Buckles up.

[00:13:14] CALLER: Oh for sure.

[00:13:15] CHRIS: Grabs their drinks.

[00:13:15] CALLER: Yeah.

[00:13:16] CHRIS: Wow!

[00:13:17] CALLER: Yeah. Exactly. Exactly.

[00:13:19]  CHRIS: A true modern love story, I would say that’s a modern love story. That’s what I would say.

[00:13:24] CALLER: Yeah, it’s an interesting one. We’re super, I think we’re super lucky because I think the quote unquote, modern love stories of the day, have a lot to do with like online or like dating apps.

[00:13:39] CHRIS: (laughs) Right, right. 

[00:13:39] CALLER: You find your person that way, you like more power to you. I love it. But we are – we love the fact that we have a very unique story that not very many people can say, they have a similar one for sure.

[00:13:52] CHRIS: Right. So you’re like, oh, how do you meet and the couple next to you is like, oh, actually Tinder, Bumble.

[00:14:00] CALLER: Yeah! 

[00:14:00] CHRIS: And everybody’s like –

[00:14:01] CALLER: They’re like I swiped right and it was like history from there..

[00:14:05] CHRIS: Swiped right and everybody’s like, oh, that’s the way of the world these days. And they’re like –

[00:14:08] CALLER: Yeah..

[00:14:10] CHRIS: And then they, it gets to you guys that you’re like, have you ever heard of Bellevue? Have you ever heard of Bellevue?

[00:14:17] CALLER: (laughs) Exactly.

[00:14:19] CHRIS: And I don’t mean to make fun, but I’ve been there as well.

[00:14:22] CALLER: Oh my gosh, no please no, no, no. I know the stuff, so I completely – I’ll say if I ever feel like you step over a line. But as somebody who also loves to joke around about it for the healing of personal purposes that come along with that, I am totally cool with making light of this situation when appropriate, so yeah.

[00:14:43] CHRIS: Well, what else can we do? What else can the people like you and me do except find a way to laugh?

[00:14:49] CALLER: Oh my God. Seriously! My partner and I were actually literally just talking about that last night. I was just getting weird and emotional and whatever about my birthday, just kind of comparing the last 15 years to this year just because it was so different, and we had said that, you know, like that was one of the first times that we had both seen it in a more somber way and like a more like, wow that was really sad that we were both there at this time and like the things that we had to go through and all of that, because we’re usually just like making light of it and joking about it and like talking about all like the funny times that we have together and all of that, because that is – it’s how you, it’s how you kind of, it’s like a survival tactic, I believe, you know?

[00:15:30] CHRIS: Yeah. It’s how you get through the day.

[00:15:30] CALLER: You kind of gotta do it. H

[00:15:32] CHRIS: How do you get through the day?

[00:15:33] CALLER: Exactly.

[00:15:36] CHRIS: I’ll ask a sensitive question, since I already feel, you know we’re 10 minutes in, I feel very comfortable with you, I hope you feel comfortable with me – 

[00:15:42] CALLER: Yeah, for sure! Yeah absolutely.

[00:15:45] CHRIS: I know that for a lot of people that perhaps unanswered questions about sexuality might end in a society that especially oppresses people, marginalizes. That that might be something that ties in to maybe some depression or some questioning or some instability. Do you feel like coming to these realizations about yourself and in your girlfriend’s case, it sounds like maybe embracing some thoughts that had been there for a while. Do you feel like they helped in that area?

[00:16:17] CALLER: Yeah. So I I have thought about this quite a lot, you know. And I know that in some people’s cases, it really is that suppression of like, you know, who you truly are, which, you know, your sexuality an who you’re attracted to and who you love is like a big part of that. It’s kind of at least a portion of what can feed into those feelings of like feeling super depressed and really down on yourself. I don’t know if I think that my – I don’t think that I identify strongly enough this idea of being gay. I think for me it’s more so just the person and my person just happens to be of my same sex. So I don’t necessarily believe that whatever suppression, if there really even was any, is necessarily like a factor into what brought me to how down I was. But what I think I can speak to is just that I have had a very hard time with relationships and connecting to people and feeling like loved and cared for, I think is really my core, I guess, like what you can kind of bring a lot of my mental health issues back to. So I think in hindsight, it’s more so about just like not finding a person and not having somebody to connect to and that loved me in the way I had needed to be loved and wanted to be loved. And I think now having her in my life and having like my person and feeling very much cared for and loved for one of the first times in my life, I think is what is now helping me come out of my depression and my, you know,  mental health like – issues, I guess. So I think in a weird, indirect way. Yes. But I don’t think that it’s necessarily the actual sexuality part of things, if that makes sense.

[00:18:23] CHRIS: It totally makes sense. So you feel like in the past year you’ve been able to accept love and accept that you’re deserving of love –

[00:18:30] CALLER:Yes.

[00:18:30] CHRIS: And find it and be happy with where it’s coming from. That’s beautiful! 

[00:18:34] CALLER: Mhm. 

[00:18:35] CHRIS: It’s beautiful.

[00:18:36] CALLER: Yeah. Yeah. I feel lucky for sure.

[00:18:39] CHRIS: Another sensitive question, but I genuinely want to know the answer. When you celebrate your birthday in a mental health facility. Do they get you a cake?

[00:18:50] CALLER: Yeah, Yes!

[00:18:52] CHRIS: They do!

[00:18:52] CALLER: They do.

[00:18:53] CHRIS: I’m surprised!

[00:18:55] CALLER: I know so they, they make sure they know everybody’s birthday and they have these like minutes, I guess, that they like send out to the whole campus and the kitchen gets it also, so they know when it’s people’s birthdays and they, they send down this really tiny cake. And it’s kind of sad. And it’s definitely like store bought from some, like, supermarket, but it’s better than nothing. You don’t get candles or anything because I guess that’s dangerous.

[00:19:22] CHRIS: Oh, oh… the unspoken – 

[00:19:26] CALLER: I know…

[00:19:27] CHRIS: Oh, that’s such a sad image – 

[00:19:28] CALLER: Isn’t that kind of sad?

[00:19:29] CHRIS: The unspoken – because I’m sure nobody mentions it, but it’s like hey, we can’t uhm…

[00:19:33] CALLER: No, nobody does. Like we all know that we can’t have candles.

[00:19:37] CHRIS: We can’t have anybody grabbing one of these open flames.

[00:19:38] CALLER: So then you just like awkwardly sit there – like nobody really loves getting like saying happy birthday to you. Like we all know it’s like an awkward experience, but at least at the end of it, it’s like you blow out the candles and it’s like, yay, and then, you know, to cut the cake. But in this situation, you just kind of like sit there and everybody sings Happy Birthday really awkwardly. And it’s like everybody knows that you’re kind of sad that it’s your birthday, too. And there are no candles. So then it’s like done and you’re just like, thanks guys… and it’s like, that’s it. Yeah.

[00:20:08] CHRIS: I have to say – 

[00:20:09] CALLER: I did have – 

[00:20:10] CHRIS: Oh please go for it. You did have what?

[00:20:12] CALLER: Well, I was just I was just going to say I did have – and this is one of those moments, but like I remembered it yesterday and like looking back, it’s probably one of the saddest things in the world, but at the time, it really meant the world to me – one of the therapists there, a specialist that I worked with there found out that it was my birthday and she she drew me some birthday cake on a piece of paper and drew candles and then sang Happy Birthday to me and then made me like blow out my favorite candles, like this drawing of a cake.

[00:20:46] CHRIS: Hurgh!

[00:20:46] CALLER: And it’s like THE saddest thing when I think about it, like looking back, like, how is that? We were sitting on the floor and I was like, crying. And she was like, blow out your candles! And I had to like make a wish and everything. And at the time, it was like, so sweet, that somebody took their time to like, draw me a birthday cake and sing Happy Birthday and like, cared about me that much for those couple minutes.

[00:21:05] CHRIS: Yeah.

[00:21:05] CALLER: But looking back, I like – that makes me want to cry. Like that’s the saddest thing in the world.

[00:21:09] CHRIS: Was your wish – I wish, I wish there were candles?

[00:21:15] CALLER: (laughs) Damn, I should’ve, I wonder if I would’ve came through. I definitely wanted to have, but maybe

[00:21:20] CHRIS: I gotta to say that, my heart bleeds for you. Nobody should be in that position, but you’re out on the other side, which makes me very happy for you. And in a weird way, even though I don’t know you. Proud of you. Proud of you.

[00:21:33] CALLER: Oh, thank you.

[00:21:34] CHRIS: That story is so sad, that – 

[00:21:38] CALLER: Yeah.

[00:21:38] CHRIS: I wonder if you, are you the same way – as someone who has gone to very dark places. It’s like hearing a sad song where there’s a certain level of you’re able to describe the situation that I can see and feel so vividly that I get to live in it a little bit. And in a way, in a way, it washes over you in a positive sense of, oh, right, I’m not alone. I’m not alone.

[00:22:04] CALLER: Yeah. 

[00:22:05] CHRIS: When you hear of stories or one of those songs.

[00:22:08] CALLER: Wow. Thank you. That actually, that really means a lot to me because, I feel as though you have definitely been one of those stories or songs that in my life, definitely, like throughout the years, so it means alot.

[00:22:23] CHRIS: Happy to help, even though it weighs on my soul sometimes, I’m happy to help. The image of a bunch of people who were patients at a facility singing Happy Birthday. The awkward moment of no candles that everyone knows is rooted in the general fear that none of these people can be trusted with open flame right now, God bless them. And then you’re all like, well, at least I get part of the Entenmann’s sheet cake that was bought at the local stop & shop.

[00:22:50] CALLER: (laughs) Exactly.

[00:22:51] CHRIS: Beautiful. A beautiful yet sad story. 

[00:22:53] CALLER: Yeah, yeah.

[00:22:55] CHRIS: But in general, it sounds like you’re feeling good. It sounds like you’re feeling better at least.

[00:22:59] CALLER: Oh my God. I feel like one of the luckiest people in the world, for sure. Like I said, I’d been in and out since I was in and out of treatment centers, not necessarily residential, but just different types of things since I was 18, so to be going through like years of in and out, it gets to you after a while and I know that – I know I’m sure you can kind of like relate to just like that feeling of just like a ugh, not this again like I cannot believe that this is still happening to me. And I went to the residential center two years ago and was there for months. I mean, the average stay there is like three or four weeks, which is absurd to me, but that’s insurance for you and I – my first time there, I was there for three and a half months and my second time there was there for four and a half months. So, I mean, it speaks to one how fortunate I am in terms of insurance, but also just how bad things were. And just going back that second time was just – it killed me honestly. Like it was just, I couldn’t believe it. And I just I had no hope for myself for the longest time that there was – I just kind of got to the point where I was like, this just keeps happening to me that, like, this is just probably who I am now and like, that’s just the life that I have to either accept that I’m going to live or choose not to live it anymore. So just the fact that I even feel an inch better than I did at that time, let alone like a mile now, I know that I’m one of the lucky ones that like made it out on the other side and I’m feeling a lot better. I am truly in awe, honestly that even like as somebody who doesn’t like to be proven wrong about a lot of things, this is one thing that I am so very fortunate and lucky and happy to be proven wrong about, because every single day still, I get shown that I am happy to be on the other side and that I was wrong about what I thought my life could be and what it can be and what I deserve it to be and all of that. So I am very grateful for what my life is right now, and I even have hope that it can just only go up from here.

[00:25:15] CHRIS: What a beautiful thing to say. Hearing four months, three months and four months. This is really serious. 

[00:25:24] CALLER: Yeah. 

[00:25:24] CHRIS: And your insurance covered that! Your insurance helped you out with that?

[00:25:27] CALLER: Yeah. 

[00:25:28] CHRIS: Wooh!

[00:25:29] CALLER: Yeah. I mean for that alone, I know. That in itself makes me one of the lucky ones, for sure. I mean I saw people there for like a week and a half or two weeks and then insurance would kick them out, so how does anybody get better with that? So just for the amount of time that I was allowed to stay there and to heal and get better. That in itself is such a gift. And I got super lucky. And I also worked my ass off and I got here to where I am today.

[00:25:55] CHRIS: Yeah. 

[ADD BREAK]

[00:29:36] CALLER: That in itself is such a gift and I got super lucky. And I also worked my ass off and I got here to where I am today.

[00:29:44] CHRIS: Yeah. Yeah, it takes a lot of hard work, takes a lot of hard work. 

[00:29:49] CALLER: It does. 

[00:29:49] CHRIS: And you know, one thing I’ve always said – I wonder if you would say this is true, too – it’s that, you feel these emotions in such amplified ways. This dark stuff feels so inescapable and you know what I mean? Months, months of hands on treatment and people keeping a watch over, you just see you can find some stability again because these feelings are weighing down so hard on you. One of the things that I feel so grateful for, because, I have bad days still, I’ve been having a bad day today. But one of the things I wonder if you would agree is like, our senses are not dull, you and I. And that when you, when you come out on the other side of it and you are able to let that go, you can also find such immense joy in other things. And I, I always find myself grateful for that of small things. I get the sense that small things weigh down on me more than they do other people. But then on the other side of the coin, small things make me happier than other people, like –

[00:30:54] CALLER: Yes.

[00:30:54] CHRIS: There is a certain sense in which I feel grateful that I get to feel my emotions as big as I do.

[00:30:59] CALLER: Mhm. Yeah. Yeah. I could not agree more. I think that I am a – I think that just in general I am a very overly sensitive person which I have come to really love about myself, and it’s for that reason specifically that like, yeah, I have felt probably the darkest and worst feelings a human being can probably ever feel, and with that, and because of that, I also feel the lighter things and the happier things in a much stronger way than the average person maybe feels. I just yeah, I appreciate the little things. I mean, especially where I was – I mean, there’s, the whole camp is a big campus and a bunch of different lodges and different things like that and, you know, you get to go to the dining hall and go to the art buildings if you are in there, there’s all these different things. And at the same time, there are also precautions that you can be put on if they deem that you’re a little more unstable or unsafe than other people. And there were precautions that I was put on. I think the longest period of time I was on the precaution I think more often than not, when I was there and there was one period of time where I was on them for like six weeks straight. And I mean, you get pretty much everything taken away from you. You can’t go outside. You can’t leave the building at all. Somebody is checking in on you every 15 minutes or you can’t be out of their sight, depending on which level of the precautions you’re on. And there are just, there are so many things that get taken away. You can’t go do like art, you can’t do all the things that the other residents are doing because of, because of this and that gets to you for a while, you know. Like you just can’t even be a human being and get like fresh air and all of this. But I mean, with that, it has made just like the simple act of being able to, like, walk out of my house whenever I want to and just like take a walk at any time of the day, whenever I want. Or, you know like, do art freely or go to my favorite restaurant and get to – you just, any little thing. I just feel like I can’t take anything for granted anymore because I had so much taken away from me at the time. And and now I just, I feel so lucky sometimes just to be like – like when I walk to work, I just close my eyes and look up and just feel like this is a privilege that I got taken away from me. Like this is a privilege that I get to be like walking to work right now and be outside. So, yeah, it really does just make the little things just so much richer and better just because you know that it’s the little things that get taken away from you when you’re feeling the worst things.

[00:33:54] CHRIS: I’ve come so close to being in these facilities and being in hospitals.

[00:33:58] CALLER: Mhm.

[00:33:59] CHRIS: And I’ve never, I’ve never actually gone. There’s been, I would say sometimes when I should have, when I should have got up there and I, and I pushed through in a way that was probably not safe or, you know, or that was rather foolish. I do a questions. Do they let you wear your own clothes? Do you wear your own clothes at one of these facilities?

[00:34:20] CALLER: Yeah. Definitely. So they send you before you go, they send you a little list of like how many items they think that you should bring and what’s allowed and what’s not allowed. So, yeah, you get to, you get to pack a bag and bring your own clothes and everything. But there’s restrictions like you can’t have, you can have shoes with shoelaces, but you can’t have like drawstring shorts or pants, like things that have strings in them, you can’t have, you can’t have belts like different – there are restrictions to what you can and can’t bring. A lot of like makeup products or just like lotions and stuff, you have to make sure that they don’t have certain ingredients in them, just that they’re like – if they have alcohol in them and stuff like that. So, yeah, there are some restrictions, but for sure you can you can wear your own clothes.

[00:35:04] CHRIS: How’s the food?

[00:35:07] CALLER: You know, surprisingly not terrible. 

[00:35:10] CHRIS: OK…

[00:35:12] CALLER: Like for somebody who had – so the menu, it was like on a three week rotation, I think, so for somebody who had the same meals, like for four almost five months, I didn’t really get sick of them. You had some options and stuff which was nice, but I think it was halfway decent food. You know, it wasn’t like gross hospital food or anything like that. So we got pretty lucky with that. 

[00:35:39] CHRIS: OK 

[00:35:39] CALLER: You can’t have coffee though, which was a bummer for sure.

[00:35:42] CHRIS: No coffee. Why not?

[00:35:44] CALLER: Yeah, you can have like one, you know, like one cup in the morning and then you can have decaf throughout the day, but not throughout the day. Only a certain time, like during meals. But yeah, there’s just like people can abuse caffeine and stuff, so. 

[00:35:59] CHRIS: Right. 

[00:36:00] CALLER: That’s restricted also.

[00:36:01] CHRIS: Is everything contained on the facility or are there ever field trips?

[00:36:07] CALLER: Ah, there used to be field trips. The first time I was there, we did little field trips. Mainly, so one of the – I was there for a few different things. So the facility I was at covered a lot of different diagnoses and things that wasn’t just meant for like one specific thing. So there was, you know, a wide range of people. One of the things I was there for was an eating disorder. So the first time I was there, we got to do little, they called them like – what was it like, food discovery, I think? So they would take us to like a restaurant or like Chipotle or something like that as kind of this like challenge for us to, you know, continue working on normalizing food and things like that. So that’s something we used to do. And then they, they took that way. So we didn’t get to do it the second time I was there.

[00:36:57] CHRIS: So when you show up –

[00:37:00] CALLER: I got to go to the doctor once. 

[00:37:01] CHRIS: When you show up that second year – oh, I’m about to make a bad joke, but –

[00:37:05] CALLER: Do it, do it. Go.

[00:37:06] CHRIS: Like when you make up, when you show up that second year, are you like, wait, no fucking Chipotle?! What’s this bullshit?

[00:37:12] CALLER: Yeah, I’m like count me out. I’m like, I came for the free Chipotle and if that’s not what I’m getting, I’m done. 

[00:37:20] CHRIS: You’re like wait I came – 

[00:37:22] CALLER: Where are my burrito bowls? I got the Guac even!

[00:37:24] CHRIS: You got the guac! You got the guac!

[00:37:12] CALLER: I know! And they were so proud of me too. They were like look at you getting the extra food and I was like I know, it’s great, why wouldn’t I?

[00:37:32] CHRIS: You went with the guac.

[00:37:33] CALLER: But not the second time. 

[00:37:34] CHRIS: But you went with a bowl. You didn’t get that wrapped. You didn’t get that burrito wrap.

[00:37:37] CALLER: Yeah. Well OK, I’m a bowl girl and then I get the turkey on the side, so I can like pick and choose, you know, do a little halfsies, you know, whatever I’m in the mood for. 

[00:37:47] CHRIS: So you I almost use it as –

[00:37:48] CALLER: But I like the option.

[00:37:49] CHRIS: You almost use it as sort of like a pita or a naan where you can tear off pieces. 

[00:37:53] CALLER: Yeah, yep.

[00:37:54] CHRIS: Wow..

[00:37:54] CALLER: Exactly. And like you scoop a little piece in and then just take a bite of it. I like options.

[00:38:00] CHRIS: I will say there’s many places in the world where I have extraordinarily rigid and standard ordering practices and Chipotle is one of them.

[00:38:08] CALLER: Mhm.

[00:38:09] CHRIS: Taco Bell is another.

[00:38:09] CALLER: Yeah? Oh my god yeah..

[00:38:12] CHRIS: Yeah. I have put in – I’m not kidding when I tell you that I have put in this – any time I have stepped foot in a Taco Bell, starting in 1996 to now, 2019, I have ordered literally the same exact thing

[00:38:32] CALLER: Oh my God!

[00:38:33] CHRIS: For 23 years, which – 

[00:38:35] CALLER: Wow, that’s impressive. I’m not going to lie. Even with all the new stuff that they come out with?

[00:38:39] CHRIS: I ignore all of it. Ignore all of it. I get to bean in burritos, I get one order of nachos with cheese. And then here’s where I really baffle myself because I don’t do this anywhere else. Anywhere else.

[00:38:51] CALLER: OK

[00:38:52] CHRIS: I get a soda and I mix half Pepsi and half Mountain Dew. Don’t know why.

[00:38:59] CALLER: And you only do it at Taco Bell.

[00:39:01] CHRIS: Only a Taco Bell. I’ve gotten that order since I was 16 years old and I continually do it, to this day. I will not eat anything else at Taco Bell between now and the day I die. That is my order at Taco Bell.

[00:39:16] CALLER: I respect it. I do.

[00:39:18] CHRIS: Thank you! Thank you so much. 

[00:39:20] CALLER: Yeah, like you’re a man who knows what he wants.

[00:39:23] CHRIS: Thank you. I’d like to think that, but if I’m being honest, it really only applies to – Taco Bell is one of the only areas of life where I can confidently say I’m a man who knows what I want. Most – I would say almost every other area of life, I am defined by my inability to figure out my place and role.

[00:39:42] CALLER: Yeah, well, that’s why I respect it, because I am so indecisive and I have no idea what’s going on ever and just like panic and everything, so to have such a, just a confidence about you when you go in like you know what to order, that’s, I respect it, I do.

[00:39:55] CHRIS: Yes. Now, I will say that –

[00:39:57] CALLER: Even if it’s just at Taco Bell.

[00:39:58] CHRIS: Jared just sent me a message on our computer. He’s not mad. 

[00:40:02] CALLER: Oh yeah?

[00:40:03] CHRIS: He’s just curious.

[00:40:03] CALLER: Oh no.

[00:40:05] CHRIS: He is curious if your number pad is open, because when you listen back, you will hear and then, I don’t want you to feel insecure about this. An unusual number of times that you’ve pushed numbers with your face. And I know Jared well enough to say –

[00:40:16] CALLER: Oh no!

[00:40:17] CHRIS: I know Jared well enough to say that this is not make him mad, but that the engineer and producer in him cannot handle, cannot handle at the very least, not asking.

[00:40:28] CALLER: OK, wait, hold on, let me see if my keypad’s up.

[00:40:31] CHRIS: Yeah, maybe you got the keypad up. 

00:40:32] CALLER: No, it’s not. What’s wrong with me? Oh my God.

[00:40:34] CHRIS: Nothing’s wrong with you! Hold on, based on what we’ve been talking about thus far, the first half of this call makes it necessary for me to jump and say nothing’s wrong with you. And then when I hear you say the phrase, what’s wrong with you, that I feel honor bound to jump in and say nothing is. You’re perfect.

[00:40:46] CALLER: Aw, thank you. I have no idea what that is. I’m so sorry, because that bothers me, like, when I listen back or when I listen to this podcast, that bothers me. So I’m very sorry that I’m –

[00:40:56] CHRIS: No, no, no apologies –

[00:40:58] CALLER: Contributing to that frustration. Send my apologies to Jared.

[00:41:01] CHRIS: He’s listening right now. Any future callers, if you ever – any future callers, if you want to make a game out of your call, you can legit just call up and keep pushing number buttons and Jared will eventually lose his mind and punch through the glass and between us with his fists and it’ll make those spider cracks and eventually burst through like the Kool-Aid man.

[00:41:21] CALLER: I actually I texted my girlfriend while I was on hold after I talked to Jared. Just like freaking out. Being like, oh my God, I might get [Beep] on and whatever. Saying that I feel I have more of a relationship with Jared than I do with anybody, because I’ve gotten through to at least the Jared part a few times in my calling history. So even though Jared doesn’t know, cause I’ve said something different every time, so he probably doesn’t remember. But I feel a special connection to Jared. So the fact that I’m, that I’m letting him down right now is – I’m so very sorry.

[00:41:52] CHRIS: Not only do I love it, but I will just inform you that in the course of saying you feel a special connection to Jared. You did once again hit the numbers with your face, in a way that was a beautiful moment of comedy for me.

[00:42:03] CALLER: Are you kidding me?!

[00:42:05] CHRIS: Now let me know what’s it like to go from someone who did not,  you know, as you said very beautifully, you love who you love. You’re interested in who you’re interested in. You didn’t necessarily identify as someone who was defined by those feelings but when they came along, you accepted them. What’s that like? What’s that like? That that moment of realization, those conversations. Is it slow or does it kind of just hit you out of nowhere?

[00:42:33] CALLER: Yeah, like how I got to realize that I had feelings for her?

[00:42:36] CHRIS: Yeah, at what point do you go, oh, this is not a friend. This is someone I’m in love with. Is this a ton of bricks moment that slaps you in the face or is this an inkling of suspicion that kind of bruise over a couple weeks or months?

[00:42:49] CALLER: Yeah. So she loves to say that I made the first move, but she forgets a very important part of our story. Which is why I quote unquote, made the first move in her eyes. So, yeah, we had a you know, we – she was also at this facility for a long period. We were there pretty much the exact same amount of time, which is why we got so close while we were there, because we were having so many people go in and out and we were still stuck there. So, you know, we were incredibly close. And I’ve never had like a friend as close as she was. And the first time after we had both discharged and we were both home, we had planned a trip for her to come visit me because the facility that we went to was very far away from where both of us live. So we did not live close to each other even a little bit. So we planned this trip and she flew out and she spent like a week with me or so. And at this time, we’re just friends and everything. And, you know, in hindsight, we like laughed so much about it, because this is not really things that like platonic friends do. But we just had little moments here and there where I guess we just exhibited more intimacy towards each other than the typical – you know there was one night we were like watching a movie and a part really got to me and I guess like triggered me in a way. And she comforted me by just kind of like holding me as I just kind of got through it. And then we just kind of stayed like that the rest of the movie. So we kind of like snuggled throughout the movie and then like her last day, we were just driving around and we were like holding hands and just crying, because were so sad that we were gonna be separated again and all of that. So I thought nothing of it. And – I don’t know. I guess I just kind of thought that we are just a different kind of friend, like we went through an incredibly difficult time together and we grew through that. And I didn’t think much of it. But then about a month later, over face time, she had brought it up and she was like, you know, I’m – I’m a little confused, like, I don’t know how to think about this and pretty much just said, like, I don’t know if I feel differently towards you, but I’m confused. Basically is what she was saying, like we held hands and we snuggled and that feels weird. Like, I don’t do that with my other friends and blah, blah. And I had heard her out and I wasn’t super like, friends of mine were like “where you freaked out when she told you that?” An I was like, no! I don’t know. I didn’t think anything of it. And I pretty much said what I said to you. Like, I just think that we have a very intimate friendship and a very different kind of friendship. And who is to say, like what we can and can’t do as friends? And if that’s what makes us feel connected to each other and comfortable with each other, then so be it. And that’s that. But we did say that before the next time we saw each other, we would have to revisit this conversation and just see how we were doing, I guess, in terms of like her and what she was thinking and everything, I just wanted to make sure we were both feeling comfortable. So then maybe two months later, so we had a trip planned that I was going down to visit her and throughout – since that conversation, I couldn’t really like get it off my mind, like what she was saying. Just like thinking about it a lot and just trying to figure out, like where I’ve – sat with all of it, I guess. And I just noticed that it was kind of like in the back of my mind a lot. And it wasn’t really until the week leading up to me seeing her that I was starting to. Think about her differently or like watching, like, a movie where two people are kissing, like she would come to my mind and I was like, well, that’s weird. I don’t know. Like, whatever. So I was kind of just like, I don’t know what to think about this or what this means. It was especially confusing for me because, like, I – this was nowhere near my radar in terms of who I thought I was attracted to or anything. So then pretty much my plan  – where she’s super mad at me for now – but was to go on this trip and just to like gage how I felt, just to kind of see like, OK. Do I have feelings for her, was I just thinking it too much in my head and just like getting ahead of myself and maybe once I see her in person I’ll know and like, whatever. And then I wanted to, like, gather more information for myself, give myself some time to think about it and then talk to her about it, kind of in the same way that she did to me. I was like, she took like a month after our trip to tell me that she might have feelings for me, so maybe I can just do the same. And then we got there and I barely lasted 24 hours until I was like yep, can’t hold this anymore. Like I think I like her. And yeah, I – when I first got there, she took me on a drive in movie. Like we went straight to the drive in movies, which was like the most romantic thing that two people who are secretly in love with each other could do. And we were so awkward about it. (Both laugh) Like literally just like so stiff and like not touching each other. Just like, OK… whatever.

[00:48:13] CHRIS: Let me go ahead and pause there. My wife and I recently almost went to a drive in movie and we invited my dad, so hearing how romantic drive in movies are – that makes me feel very awkward. He didn’t want to go. We wound up not going. Anyway, we’ll be right back.

[ADD BREAK]

[00:49:56] CALLER: Like literally just like so stiff and like not touching each other. Just like, OK… whatever. And then we went to this fun little museum where you just get to like run around like kids and just play around and be free and have fun. And we did that the following night.

[00:50:13] CHRIS: So dates, you went on dates. (Caller laughs) Those are dates.

[00:50:19] CALLER: Uhm, sure. 

[00:50:20] CHRIS: I’ve been, I’ve been in these situations, these are dates.

[00:50:23] CALLER: You mean you don’t go to drive in movies and snuggle up under a blanket with your best friend?

[00:50:30] CHRIS: (laughs) I don’t remember any conversations where I’ve been like, yo bro – you wanna hit up the drive in? those have always –

[00:50:39] CALLER: Yeah, and hold my hand while we drive, this is great.[Beep] 

[00:50:43] CHRIS: There you go. Oh – you just hit the button with your face again and Jared just ran. He jumped out of his chair and did a backflip. I’ve never seen anything like it. I’ve never seen –

[00:50:54] CALLER: But was I doing OK up until then? 

[00:50:56] CHRIS: Yes.

[00:50:57] CALLER: Or was I pressing. OK. 

[00:50:59] CHRIS: No, I will let you know. I literally every time for my own amusement. You don’t need to stress about it.

[00:51:05] CALLER: OK, just do it, because I’m trying to hold my phone as close to my face as possible now, I thought holding it further away would do the trick, but it didn’t.

[00:51:12] CHRIS: (laughs) So you’re going to drive ins, you’re going to drive ins. You’re holding hands while you drive around. You’re going to these cutesy museums that are very tactile.

[00:51:20] CALLER: Yes. And like running around like little kids and just like peeing our pants laughing and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. And it was at that museum that I was like, yep, can’t deny this. We we do say that like in hindsight, like the second I saw her in the airport. She said the same thing about me is like, I think I knew then. But I was kind of in denial about it. So once we had that little like museum experience, I was like, there is – there’s absolutely no denying this. Like, I very much like this girl. So that night, that night we got home, we were like so sweaty because we were like literally running around this place. So I feel like we both took showers and then I was like laying in bed and she got in bed and words like on our phones or whatever. And then I just like snuggled up next to her. And she was like, well, what do are you thinking, what’s going on? And I was like, nothing. What are you thinking? And she was like, nothing. And then like, three minutes of awkward silence went by, of us not doing anything and not moving. And then she was like, have things changed for you? Yes. And the rest is history.

[00:52:27] CHRIS: Damn. This is truly a modern love story.

[00:52:32] CALLER: (laughs) Yeah, yup. Met in a mental health facility and fell in love at a museum.

[00:52:40] CHRIS: Now, has there been any discussion of when you eventually get married, seeing if you can rent the grounds of the mental health facility to hold the marriage there?

[00:52:47] CALLER: Oh, my God, Chris. Yes. We have talked about that. (Chris laughs) We have not talked about actually getting married – (laughs) we have not talked about actually getting married on the ground, but we thought it would be adorable if we took our like, engagement pictures or something there, like we thought that would be really cute because it’s a really nice grounds, it’s really pretty. And we thought it would be funny also because we’re all about the humor.

[00:53:09] CHRIS: Now you’re going to see the photos there. Have you thought about having any like, you know, sometimes people will have themes to their weddings. Have you thought about any mental health – like perhaps, you know, it’s very popular right now to have photo booths where you wear like big funny glasses and hats. Have you thought about having things like that, like straight jackets? Have you thought about this in the photo booth –

[00:53:29] CALLER: Straight jackets, scrubs, like giant needles for when they like to sedate you – for sure. We thought about like –

[00:53:38] CHRIS: You don’t really have discussed this?

[00:53:41] CALLER: We have. Yes. (Chris laughs) Like table numbers – instead of like table numbers, it’ll be like the town that the facility was in and like we we’ve played it, we got really into like bananagrams, I don’t know if you’ve ever played bananagrams. But you should, it will change your life. It’s the best game ever. 

[00:53:56] CHRIS: OK.

[00:53:57] CALLER: We played that like at least three games of it every single night that we were there. So we figured, like during the cocktail hour – and there was like corn holes and stuff, so we were like, we’ll have all these games that we played there. And like the table names will be different things that are related to this facility because it’ll be hilarious. And yes. We’re going to invite all the staff members, especially the one that yelled at us for being too close. We thought it’d be fun to have her there.

[00:54:23] CHRIS: And I’m going to make another suggestion about this wedding. This one’s going to – I’m telling you what, I’m going from, silly, right now to softie.

[00:54:33] CALLER: OK.

[00:54:34] CHRIS: It is not traditional, but I hope you have a couple of candles on that wedding cake.

[00:54:41] CALLER: Oh – my gosh. Chris. Yes. Done. We’re going to blow candles on our wedding cake.

[00:54:47] CHRIS: You better, because you missed a couple chances, you missed a couple of chances in this life, so you get this one back.

[00:54:53] CALLER: Aw, I love that.

[00:54:55] CHRIS: So you’ve already talked marriage! How long have you guys been dating that you’re doing all these jokes about marriage?

[00:55:02] CALLER: OK, well, don’t laugh at us. We’ve only been dating for – for almost five months now, so it hasn’t been that long but we’ve been I mean, best friends for a while, and I think that we’ve gone through enough like. I mean, we got to know each other at like our darkest moments. [Beep] So I think, like, we know everything we need to know about each other, to know if, like – 

[00:55:25] CHRIS: Jared just kicked Harry in the stomach. Jared’s losing his mind with all these face beeps. He kicked Harry in the stomach. Harry’s rolling around on the floor in pain.

[00:55:32] CALLER: Harry, I’m so sorry, Harry. I’m sorry. (laughs)

[00:55:38] CHRIS: Now I have to ask. We’re five months in. You met where you met. Neither one of you has had a same sex relationship before. Are people in your life expressing any concern?

[00:55:52] CALLER: No. Honestly, no. There was – there was one person we told that we were very close with while we were in treatment, ho cares about us a lot, that when we were nervous to tell her because we weren’t quite sure how she would take it. And she didn’t express concern for, it was more so just like take things slow and protect yourselves. And like, don’t rush into this because I think she saw us at our worst and I guess didn’t want us to influence each other in a bad way or, or not influence each other, but like if things didn’t work out, if we would be like so crushed that we would spiral again. You know, I think – I think any concern that anybody has is coming from a place of, you guys are both relatively fresh out of treatment and are building this great life and just be careful because you don’t want to risk that, I guess?

[00:56:57] CHRIS: Right. You’re sensitive people. And maybe fair to say that past experiences proven at times fragile people.

[00:57:04] CALLER: Yes, absolutely. Yeah. Which is fair and I mean, we’ve also, like we’re not stupid about that, you know, like we also realize that this could be, like we laugh at ourselves because clearly we’ve both been in like way too much therapy because after – after I had technically made the move and she asked if things had changed for me, rather than just being like, yes, I like you and then we just kiss and like everything’s like fairytale – I would imagine most couples do, when they’re like, hey, I like you. And it’s like I like you, too. And then they kiss and like that it – we had like a two and a half hour discussion about the pros and cons of us, like doing anything moving forward before we like kiss each other or like moved on and anything like that. So we are very, I think we’re very self-aware as individuals and as a couple to understand where we are most fragile and where, like, we can help build each other up and where there are risks and all of that. So I think we’ve spent a lot of time exploring that and making sure that we’re doing this for the right reasons and taking care of ourselves individually and taking care of each other. And I think that’s the main concern. I think it would be a lot different if we fell in love at treatment, because that I think would be concerning that we didn’t take treatment seriously and like, what if we didn’t actually work on the things we needed to work on because we were so distracted with each other? Where like, that really wasn’t the case. We were very much just friends there, very platonic. And we, we both say that we don’t think that – we think that we started dating at the time that we did that because we had done enough work on ourselves individually to be open to a relationship and be open to our feelings. Just in general and towards each other and everything. So I think that we are smart enough about it, hopefully. But that seems to be the only concern. Most other people were like, well, God, it’s about time because we were both just like obsessed with each other as friends. So most people knew it, knew or thought they knew about it before we even knew about.

[00:59:12] CHRIS: Wow…You know what I really like on a base level –

[00:59:17] CALLER: What…

[00:59:17] CHRIS: Is that? You two met at a place where, by definition, if you wind up at that place, it’s probably a signifier that, you know, not to reduce it to the most basic terms possible, but you’re not happy. And then you get there and you find someone who makes you happy. I think that’s a pretty good – when I think of it in those basic terms, it’s a pretty beautiful thing.

[00:59:42] CALLER: Yeah, yeah it is. Yeah, it was – it’s a terrible place to be, not just, not that place specifically, but just in general to be at a location like that and to be in that place mentally and to find any ounce of happiness or companionship or whatever it might be that comes out of that that’s positive, I say is a win. We’re the lucky ones.

[01:00:09] CHRIS: Who would think that seven months spread over two years in a mental health facility would end with you saying we’re the lucky ones?

[01:00:21] CALLER: Yeah. Honestly, if you would have told me that a year ago even, while I was there, like, hey, just like hold it out for even like nine more months and you’re gonna be the happiest you’ve ever been. You’re gonna think you’re so lucky for this. Like all of that, I – oh, my God. I would have never I would have never believed you. I never thought I would be in this position.

[01:00:40] CHRIS: And that is an important thing to know. That is an important thing to know, because I’ve had that feeling, too. When you’re a few months out from something or a few years out from something, and then you take a step back and you go, I never would have believed you if you told me I could be this. I’ve had that, too. 

[01:00:58] CALLER: Yeah. 

[01:01:58] CHRIS: I never would’ve believed you.

[01:01:00 ] CALLER: It’s a wild feeling and I used to, oh my God – I used to hate when people would say that. When like, I don’t know, like when somebody was telling their recovery story or like, whatever. And they would come in and be like, when I was in your position, if you would have told me how happy I am now, I would have laughed in your face. Like that used to bother me so much. Like, I would be like, shut up. Like, you don’t know. Even though they did know and whatever. But I didn’t want to believe it. You know, like I wanted to be right about my life and how terrible things were and how I have no hope in all of this. So I didn’t want to believe any of that. So, yeah, now that I’m on the other side, and I can say that that’s true. And that’s exactly what happened to me.

[01:01:40] CHRIS: Well, cause that’s the other thing – it doesn’t have to be a motivational speech and it doesn’t have to be a miraculous love story either. For anybody listening, like I know for me those moments, you know, times where things crashed and burned for me to the point where I wound up back on medications after having been off them for a few years. And, you know.

[01:01:58] CALLER: Mhm.

[01:01:59] CHRIS: And then for me, sometimes it’s just as simple as like, oh, you know, a bunch of friends – we’re all getting together for lunch and I went and I was able to actually participate in the conversations without feeling – 

[01:02:14] CALLER: Yeah. 

[01:02:14] CHRIS: Cripplingly self-conscious. And I was able to like ask people how they were doing and listen to the answers. And when they asked me, I was able to be real with them and not hide and not self-consciously – then afterwards, you know, I was walking home by myself and I cut through a park and a bunch of people were playing, you know, I saw like a bunch of grownups playing in a soccer game. And I just sat on a bench and I watched for a while. Like, it can be a as simple – for me, it’s as simple as that. For me, it’s usually small things that happen by myself that make me feel like, holy shit, I get to be this happy. That’s a miracle.

[01:02:50] CALLER: Right. Yeah. No, I completely agree because, I agree – I don’t want it to make it seem like, because I found this love and all of that, like that I’m the lucky one because even straight out of treatment when I mean, my partner and I were friends, you know, and he was a great influence on my life. But at that time, I still did feel very alone. And I didn’t have this, like, beautiful love story and all of this. And yeah, like those, I think for me and that’s when I guess what I say when my partner and I couldn’t get to the place where we were able to love each other and to be in a relationship with each other until we did this work by ourselves.

[01:03:29] CHRIS: Yes.

[01:03:30] CALLER: And it was that time, you know, like that was the time that I think I really grew the most as an individual and out of this dark spot that I had dug myself into for years and years. Yeah, just those, those little things of being able to go out to dinner with my friends and not worry about my eating disorder. Being able to get out of bed at a normal time and just like watch a TV show or – yeah. Like any little thing that I might be – I think were definitely the most powerful for me as an individual, getting myself to the point now. And because I did those things then, I was much more open and happy and able to see that life can be this thing that I can create for myself. And then that allows me to bring other people into it, which is why I think I’m able to have my partner now.

[01:04:16] CHRIS: That’s beautiful. I do want to ask, you know, we just – I haven’t, I will say I haven’t asked for too many specifics on it, A because it’s sensitive and B, we just had a pretty intense episode we put out with someone who had an eating disorder and hadn’t really spoken to anybody about it. I do have to say that.

[01:04:32] CALLER: Right. 

[01:04:33] CHRIS: Hearing – hearing you say that – that this was a major factor in what you needed treatment for and that you went and got the treatment. You’re so much happier now, does fill me with hope. I do want to just ask, is that, is that issue in particular something that you’ve said, that you feel like you’re more in control of now?

[01:04:56] CALLER: Yeah. Yeah. So my eating disorder was the first thing that I knowingly, I guess, struggled with and the first thing that I sought treatment for. So the first three times that I was in any sort of treatment program was a specific eating disorder program. So that’s the thing I’ve been working on the longest and the thing that I’ve been struggling with the longest. However, the last two summers, the main reason, I guess I went into treatment and it was more for my depression and my suicidality and my self-harm like things like that and my trauma that I didn’t even know of until I got there and so many different things that led into it. But it was mainly that I was, you know, I couldn’t quite keep myself safe and I was so depressed. But with that, I think the eating disorder is the easiest thing for me to immediately go to, to cope with all of that, because, you know, it’s an unhealthy and ineffective coping mechanism.

[01:06:04] CHRIS: Or an effort to have some sort of control. 

[01:06:07] CALLER: Exactly. Exactly. So I think, you know, my my eating disorder was always something that, it’s always something that I need to work on when it comes to my mental health and all of that. But these last few times, it was almost – you know, at first I went to treatment for my eating disorder and there were also other things I needed to work on. And I feel like these last couple of times I’ve gone to treatment for my PTSD and my depression and my suicidality and all of that and my eating disorder was still something that I needed to work on. So it was severe and I don’t want to, I don’t want to downplay that and minimize it even for myself. It was very severe and really scary. And this last time was probably the worst that it had ever been. But I think that once I started to get the other things under control, it helped, you know, everything. So, yeah, I mean, that was a roundabout way of saying that things have gotten a lot better with that, I definitely still struggle with my body image and things, but I am able to just like follow what I need to follow and follow my meal plan and eat my meals. And I’m getting to a much better place of being more like intuitive with it, so I don’t have to be rigid about – rigidity is just never a good thing, at least for me, in my recovery. So even if it’s rigidity in following a meal plan and that’s what recovery is, I don’t even want to be rigid necessarily about recovery anymore. I want it to be more intuitive. So that’s what I’m starting to work on a little bit. But yeah, it’s much more under control now.

[01:07:33] CHRIS: I’m very very glad to hear that. Very glad to hear. 

[01:07:36] CALLER: Thank you. 

[01:07:38] CHRIS: I hope that that past caller hears it. And I’m glad – 

[01:07:42] CALLER: Yeah.

[01:07:42] CHRIS: You’re doing well, I hope she’s doing well too. I’m sorry to bring up someone else’s call during your call, but it did remind me. 

[01:07:48] CALLER: No, no, no, please. Yeah. 

[01:07:51] CHRIS: This one flew by. What a what a – 

[01:07:56] CALLER: How much time do we have left? 

[01:07:57] CHRIS: One minute. We got one minute left.

[01:07:59] CALLER: No way, Chris.

[01:08:01] CHRIS: Well, you’ve just explained one of the most unique love stories in the history of the world. Of course, that hour is going to fly by.

[01:08:08] CALLER: Aw…honored.

[01:08:09] CHRIS: You’ve given us a beat by beat breakdown of the mental health residential facility experience and then segwayed it into being – a truly unlikely story of love and I’m glad I got to hear it.

[01:08:20] CALLER: Yeah, well, thank you for listening. This was an honor.

[01:08:25] CHRIS: Please, the honor is all mine. I do want to ask you one favor, because we come up on 30 seconds left – I want you to just go ahead and open up the keypad on your phone.

[01:08:34] CALLER: Oh, my God.

[01:08:35] CHRIS: And just one last time, if we could just push one of those sweet little buttons.

[01:08:43] CALLER: All right, you ready? 

[01:08:45] CHRIS: Mhm mhm. 

[01:08:47] CALLER: Here I go. Just one button?

[01:08:49] CHRIS: Yeah, just one button – I just want to see what happens…

[01:08:53] [Beep] 

[01:08:53] CHRIS: Oh, my God. Jared – he just opened the door to the studio. He kicked out the window. Oh, God, Harry, are you seeing this?! He jumped out the window down to 40th Street. He’s jumping up and down like the Incredible Hulk. 

[01:09:08] CALLER: Oh my God. 

[01:09:10] CHRIS: He’s like leaping through stories at the time. He’s punching holes in the buildings across the street. 

[01:09:13] CALLER: Oh no. 

[01:09:14] CHRIS: He just flipped over – 

[01:09:16] CALLER: Jared! 

[01:09:17] CHRIS: He just flipped over one of the food trucks out there on 40th Street, that Philly cheesesteak truck. He just flipped it over! He picked up the Philly cheesesteak truck and he is using it to hit the hipster lobster roll truck! Oh my God!

[01:09:32] CALLER: Jared, don’t do it! 

[01:09:34] CHRIS: Jared don’t do it! 

[01:09:37] CALLER: It’s not worth it!

[01:09:38] CHRIS: Harry, you’ve got to stop him, you’re the only one who can!

[01:09:40] CALLER: Harry, save him, Harry!

[01:09:40] CHRIS: Save him Harry! What a fantastic call – 

[01:09:44] CALLER: You’re our only hope. (both laugh) 

[01:09:46] CHRIS: Thank you for calling. I’m glad you’re feeling better.

[01:09:48] CALLER: Thank you so much. Oh, my gosh. Thank you. Me, too. Thanks for listening. This was so fun.

[01:09:53] CHRIS: Thanks for telling us about true love.

[01:09:56] CALLER: Yeah. [ring]

[01:10:02] CHRIS: [music transition] Caller. Thank you so much. Thanks for the call. Thanks for being so honest about the struggles. And thanks for being so honest about the triumphs that come after the struggles. I want to say I’m sending you and your girlfriend all the love in the world. And I hope that you continue to support each other. And I hope that it works out. And I hope that if it doesn’t, you remain friends who can lean on each other. And it was such an inspiring thing to hear about your very unusual love story. Thanks for telling us. Thank you to Harry Nelson. Thank you to Jared O’Connell although he’s currently rampaging through the streets of New York. I’ll have to thank him in person later when he calms down about all those beeps. Thanking Shellshag for the music. You wanna know about me and when I’m going out on the road? chrisgeth.com all my road dates – stand up and live, Beautiful Anonymous are up there. Want to help to show, what you can do is go on apple podcast you rat, review, subscribe – really helps when you do. Thanks so much for listening. See you next time. [music transition] 

[01:11:11] Hey, everybody, Chris here. I am very excited to tell you that Earwolf has a new podcast. It’s called Earth Games and it’s a spin off from the Hello From The Magic Tavern, which is a long running and truly innovative and fantastic podcast. The premise of this new podcast is wild. It’s that a podcaster is trapped in a magical land with a wizard and a shapeshifting badger. And they got a tryout board games from a realm called Earth. So if you like comedy, board games, fantasy, and if you don’t like one of those three things, then I don’t know what’s going on with you. You’re gonna like this podcast. You’re gonna really like it. You can learn more at stitcherpremium.com/magic. And if you use the code stories, when you sign up, you get a free 30 day trial. Stitcher Premium lets you listen without ads. You’ll be supporting our show too, right? You get the whole back catalog. You the new episodes ad free. You get a whole bunch of live shows that you can’t get anywhere else. You get a whole bunch of follow up calls you can’t get anywhere else. So it behooves you as a B.A. fan. Sign up, check this one out. So check out Earth Games. Check out the whole Beautiful Anonymous back catalog. Enjoy it.

[NEXT EPISODE PREVIEW]

[01:12:20] CHRIS: Next time on Beautiful Anonymous. A life of prison and trauma and fights, all due to an addiction, that’s very hard to explain.

[01:12:31] CALLER: Do you want to hear about my shit? 

[01:12:33] CHRIS: Yeah! That’s why they put me on this green earth to hear about your shit! (both laugh)

[01:12:38] CALLER: Cool. Cool, cool. OK. I am in love with somebody who is incarcerated. We started dating and then a whole world of things happened and then he got put in jail. But basically, I’m in a 12 step program called Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. For that reason, I don’t have a Facebook, but he has me use Facebook sometimes to reach out to his family and let them know what’s going on. So basically, I just signed up to his Facebook to do some earnest reaching out. And I saw a conversation I didn’t want to see.

[01:13:18] CHRIS: That’s next time on Beautiful Anonymous.