EP. 220 — Ask Jameela Anything 5

Jameela: [00:00:00] Hello and welcome to an episode of I Weigh with Jameela Jamil. This is one of our Ask Me Anything episodes where I go on the internet and I ask you for your questions and I pick the ones that come up the most frequently. And I always love these questions. I really appreciate how thoughtful they are, how vulnerable you are, and I do my best to answer them honestly from my own personal experience.

Okay, so first up. So someone’s written in saying, “I’m working on body neutrality, especially postpartum, and I need some advice. How do you stay body neutral about yourself when everyone around you, including society, is not body neutral and keeps reminding you that your body should look a certain way?”

Mate, this is one of the questions that came up the most, uh, for today’s AMA. Everyone is really struggling and I don’t blame you because the body standards have, just when I thought they couldn’t get any worse because of the weight loss [00:01:00] injections and all of this other nonsense, it is really, really severe at the moment what we’re seeing in the media and on the red carpets and even just among us, everyone seems to be losing weight very drastically and very quickly, um, in a way that simply is not very sustainable and is creating again that beauty standard that I grew up in the kind of heroin chic era of the 90s. Um, it is really, really hard and is really intense and I’m in an industry where I’m literally surrounded by everyone is taking these weight loss injections and they’re not eating and I go out to dinners and I’m the only one consuming food and swallowing anything. Um, and I find it a bit stressful and I’m recovered, so I can only imagine what that’s like when you’ve gone through something so monumental and you’re feeling so hormonal and your body’s still repairing from this extraordinary thing you’ve done. I can only imagine the extra strain of that. And what I would say is, get off the fucking internet. I [00:02:00] barely look online anymore. And when I do, I have unfollowed anyone, even people I know, I’ve muted them, maybe so that they don’t know whose body image makes me start to compare myself to them. And that might sound weak or petty or pathetic in some way, don’t give a shit. It’s all about, you know, we were talking about self defense a few minutes ago. Self defense of the mind, protect yourself. I now purposefully go out of my way to follow sort of vintage accounts that show me curvaceous, uh, Italian women whose bodies at my age look like my body at my age and other of my, my, and my friends’ bodies. Um, I do not consume imagery of people who have, uh, an aesthetic that is really far away from mine and who are glorifying body ideals that are impossible to get without surgery or extreme methods. I’m so fucking sad that so many of my friends who’ve had babies, uh, within months of having the baby feel this pressure to quote unquote snap back. I think it’s so appalling given especially the fact that it’s 18 months, I think, post having a baby, that your [00:03:00] insides even start to heal. The idea of even having to think about getting quote unquote in shape, uh, before you’re Insides have healed is a crime against women and crime against people who have babies. It’s insane, so stay away from any bad influences. Really think, really learn about what your body’s done. Really think about what your body’s achieved and ask yourself, would men, would men be putting this much pressure on themselves to snap back and get a six pack after they had a fucking baby if they could do this? Would, would they if they had to go through all of that? Have you seen what men are like after a cold? They don’t go to the gym for months after a cold. Never mind after having a fucking baby. So this is something that is specifically put upon women and just that alone is something that makes me feel so enraged. Whenever I think about the pressures for me on my body, I look at my boyfriend and my male friends who, of course, they have some pressure, they feel some light pressure on how they [00:04:00] maybe could or should look, but it’s not the same. Their value is not dependent on that. It’s the last thing anyone thinks about when it comes to the men in my life. And so, I channel the rage of that into my defiance to not starve myself, to not restrict, to not overexercise. I think about this little boardroom, this committee of men who own these diet companies. Diets, 95% of them fail. Only 5% of diets will ever last and even these injections, almost all of them, you have to stay on them forever for them to have to work. And they’re expensive and they have some side effects for different people, some pretty severe side effects for certain people. I know people who’ve had severe side effects, so all of this just comes at a cost. And there is a small group of men who are profiting from our tears and our self hatred. And it is men who own the social media platforms that we see these images on these face tuned altered images. It’s men who own the big magazines. It’s men who own the Hollywood studios. It’s men who own the record labels. All this imagery we’re [00:05:00] seeing is coming from people who don’t have to face that same pressure themselves. So fuck that and fuck them and please, please, please recognize you have done something extraordinary. You are extraordinary. This is not your job to do anything other than keep yourself and now your baby alive. You do not have to look a certain way, and anyone who expects you to can go fuck off as well. That’s my personal opinion, and I’m so sorry that you feel that way, and whether anyone’s had a baby or not, what we are seeing right now is extreme. It is nonsense, it is unsustainable, it’s not gonna last within the next two years. All of this shit, I genuinely believe, is gonna bounce back around. Everyone’s going to come off the medications they’re on maybe because of side effects, maybe because it’s too expensive. And we’re in a cost of living crisis and everyone’s going to start to gain the weight back again. And then all of a sudden we’ll be shamed for not being curvy enough in all the right places. Why don’t you have bigger hips? Why don’t you have a bigger ass? It’s like, “Oh, cause I just injected it off two years ago when I was told to. Nonsense, just hold tight, eat intuitively, put [00:06:00] nourishing food into your body. Look after yourselves and know that this will go away as it always does, and then it’ll fucking come back again, and then it’ll go away again.

The, the worst thing about getting older is living through four cycles of this shit, and seeing that all we do is swing in a pendulum, back and forth, back and forth, between different beauty ideals that only women are expected to live up to. And it’s just horseshit, so now I can’t be bothered. So hopefully you’re with me.

Um, okay. Someone’s asked me, “how to build a community as an introvert.” That is a great question. I am an introvert. I have lots of friends, but very few of them do I hang out with at the same time because I can’t handle the social pressure of more than about maybe four people at most at the same time. I can’t hear properly. I feel overstimulated by sound and by too many people’s different personalities to contend with. So I, uh, while I also, maybe same as you, grew up longing for like a huge group of friends like [00:07:00] in the movies. I’ve never really been able to handle it when I’ve actually been in that situation. And so what I would say is that building a community doesn’t have to be something that you do in a large group or even in a group. Um, just looking for friends one on one and then maybe slowly finding people who are compatible enough to be maybe two at a time and then maybe three at a time that you don’t really need it. There’s nothing more nourishing than a one on one connection and even though I don’t always hang out in big groups, I hang out mostly one to one with my friends, I have that sense of community because they’re each feeding different parts of me. And and I think that’s a lovely thing and sometimes for some people, it’s too much to have all those different parts of you being fed all at the same time. There are certain friends that you maybe have as you’re going out friends or your, your, you know, your deep political conversation friends, or, you know, your emotional advice, friends, your childhood friends.

There are all these different parts of ourselves that we don’t always have to represent all at the same time. [00:08:00] And, uh, sometimes it’s nice to be able to just address those parts of you one by one. And if you’re looking for the one on one, I would just say go and do the things that you love. Uh, I always give that advice as well to friends who are dating, is that rather than just always looking online and spending so much time in this sort of virtual reality, look for physical clubs you can go to where you’re going to find like minded individuals. Maybe you’ve always considered learning how to do the fucking tango? I know I have. Maybe one day you’ll see me at a class, uh, or pottery or any of these things, sports clubs, reading clubs, all of these things. Try to find anything where you can be in human physical contact with other people. Uh, that’s where you’re going to find those who you have stuff in common with. Not everyone’s lucky enough to meet all of their best friends when they’re a kid or a teenager. We have to meet them later in life, and it is so intimidating in a way that we really don’t talk about enough.

I think Bumble, uh, [00:09:00] the dating app now has a kind of Bumble BFF service where people can just look for friends and only friends, nothing to do with romance. That might be helpful for you, but I personally also love meeting people IRL, and I never thought that some of the best friends I would ever have in my life would be people I met later, and I’m so delighted to be able to reassure you that you can build those incredible bonds that make you feel like you’ve known them your whole life, even if you’ve known them a few months or a year, but go and do the things that you love to find the people that you love and know that community can look all kinds of different ways, even if it’s just friends we have on the phone or just friends we see now and then, just find your own personal alternative ways to feed all the different beautiful parts of yourself.

Next up, “how did you recover from your worst friendship breakup? Did it end maturely? Can you see yourself mending any of those past older friendships?” I’ve been lucky that I’ve held on to most of my friendships because I [00:10:00] made those friends pretty much as an adult. I was like 19 when I became friends with most people I know and, uh, therefore I’ve had pretty strong sense of who I am, but there was one very significant friendship breakup that I think I’ve spoken about in this podcast before. It was just that we’d grown apart. They’d done something that had really hurt my feelings, uh, that they hadn’t done to intentionally hurt my feelings. They had just become a very different person, uh, over the course of us knowing each other, which was maybe seven or eight years. We’d gone through very different life experiences, and that had shaped them in a way that didn’t resound with me anymore. And we didn’t resonate with each other. Well, I didn’t resonate with who they’d become. And I just said to them very honestly that if I met who you’ve become now at a party, I don’t think that I would ask for your number. And that’s not to say there’s anything wrong with the person that you’ve become, but it no longer fits me. And it’s a really fucking hard thing to say, um, and brutal, it totally, totally is brutal, and I said it as kindly, but [00:11:00] as, um, clearly as I could, because I personally think that ghosting a friend is such a cruel thing to do. And I can understand why people do it and sometimes the thing that you want to say feel so personal and feel so much like an attack that you’d rather not say it not hurt them but in my personal experience when I’ve been left to draw my own conclusions my imagination draws up the worst possible conclusion and, uh, it can be so detrimental to me and I don’t know of anyone who’s been left completely in the dark and in silence who’s ever come up with a reasonable or rational, um, non self hating reason for why they’ve been abandoned.

So I find it kinder to just be clear even if it’s a slightly deadly blow and what I was saying to this person isn’t, “They’re a horrible person,” it’s just, we’ve grown apart and I don’t see that changing because our fundamental world view has shifted away from each other and we didn’t talk for maybe another seven years, and then over time, we’d both gone through very different things again and somehow [00:12:00] found our way back to each other. They had consistently kept trying to get in touch with me over the years on my birthday every year. And for some reason after seven years I was like, fucking hell this is persistent. Um, and didn’t feel too invasive. It was just a very loving, kind, sweet, non invasive birthday message. And I, uh, messaged back for the first time. And then I, uh, we started talking and started to go over what we’ve been through, a whole pandemic had happened, which obviously changes people so much, and we started to piece it back together again, uh, in a very wholesome way where it really felt like we were starting from scratch, where if I’d met the person they are now at a party, I would ask them for their number, and our friendship, I would say, is stronger than ever, and sometimes you just need to give each other a little fucking break to live.

I can’t imagine how much damage we would have done if I tried [00:13:00] to force them to be more like me or if they tried to force me to be more like them. I think there’s a lot to be said for giving each other space, even though it feels really painful. And I’m so happy now that we did that because it’s created one of my favorite friendships in my life. Even if I hadn’t re found that friendship again, I would have been okay leaving it where it was because we’d shared so many beautiful things together and I don’t personally believe that everything has to last forever to be meaningful. I don’t look at something that ends as then meaning that that time together was wasted, that those experiences have less value. Uh sometimes friendships can just be, just like relationships, uh, can just be something that you have for a short period of life and it’s there to help you grow or for them to grow in some way, we need each other, uh, maybe not always forever, just for who we are right now. We shift so much, I’m even a different person to who I was two years ago. I’m such a different person to who I was when I started this fucking podcast. I’ve grown up so much in [00:14:00] front of you, and so it’s okay to not always be compatible at all times with all of the people that we know, and so, as I said at the start, just be honest, try to be kind, you know we don’t live in a world where we’ve been taught how to give or receive rejection very well and so be tender and try to explain why you want distance from someone in the way that you would hope someone would explain it to you. And that is truly my advice across the board when it comes to communication is how would it be best for you to be communicated with and, and try to offer that same grace that you would hope for yourself and good luck because it is fucking brutal and there’s no songs about it and there’s not enough movies about it. There’s no fucking great Dickens novels about it. Uh, we just have to navigate that on our own and it can be so much more painful than a breakup that has something to do with sex or romance. So I, I wish you lots of love and luck with that and you never know, you might find each other again at a, a better and later time and [00:15:00] place.

Okay, so next up, someone said, “I’d love to hear your thoughts on women being able to safely protect themselves. What do you think about pepper spray being illegal in the UK? And the legal pepper spray alternatives are just UV paint, likely just to aggravate and attack more and not actually protect us.” Now, I don’t know if you are aware, but I’ve been talking a lot about women’s safety in particular because we get attacked so frequently. And even if we’re not attacked, we are terrified of being attacked, um, because the world is so deeply unsafe for us from almost as, uh, as soon as we can understand, and so I’ve been hosting these events. We did our last one in New York where we had a member of the secret service come on. And we had, we used that talk with her as an I Weigh episode that you can go and find, it’s with Evy Poumpouras. Uh, and so she gave us some self defense tips, and uh, then we all went out on like a late night walk together, just hundreds of women, um, finally feeling safe [00:16:00] in a big group, feeling all hyped up and ready to beat the fucking shit out of someone if we needed to, um, in a community and it was really beautiful. So I’ll be doing more of those events, hopefully all over the world, so look out for those. But it is a subject I care about so deeply. Um, I think we should be allowed to have pepper spray in the United Kingdom. I think we should be allowed to have any kind of weapon that we need to protect ourselves. You have to be careful because you don’t want a weapon to then be used on you. What I’ve been saying at these events that I’ve been hosting and what I’ve been saying online is that I, I think it’s so, so important for us all to learn some self defense. It’s never going to guarantee your safety, but as the woman, as Evy Poumpouras said, the woman from the Secret Service, she was like, it’s so important to not go down without a fight if you can. Listen, everyone has a different response. Some people, you know, it’s the fight, flight, or fawn. Some people freeze, uh, this is never a criticism of that, but the reason I advocate for self defense [00:17:00] is not only because you might learn something that could save your life, but also it shifts your mental health just knowing that you would have some idea of how to protect yourself against someone who weighs more than you, who’s bigger than you, who comes out of nowhere, just knowing that you have a sort of muscle memory of what to do to perhaps keep yourself safe or get away, it changes the way you feel walking at night, or in the daytime, or entering your house. I know this only because when i played a super villain in marvel they made me train, literally forced me to train five days a week learning jiu jitsu and martial arts and and I learned how to kick the shit out of someone, and I’ve thankfully not had to use that since but even my male friends noticed at the time that it changed my gait. It changed and I I don’t exactly know what that term means, but I think it means the kind of way that I stand, the way that I hold my body. Um, they said it was shifted and I walked with more confidence with my shoulders back and I no longer had, you know, I think there [00:18:00] was something about me that, and they didn’t use this term, but I have been told before by men that I know that I walk like I’m prey, and they weren’t trying to say that to me in a scary way, they were trying to give me a heads up that I don’t, that I, that I walk as though I’m, I’m waiting to be attacked. And that’s because I had been assaulted before. And I think there was a part of me that’s always been so terrified it’s going to happen again, that I had more of a sort of fawn response, so my shoulders like pulled in together, very unconfident, um, very afraid, and I felt very, very defenseless, and feeling defenseless in any area of your life is never good for your brain, because then you feel vulnerable, and if you feel vulnerable, you feel a higher level of stress, and that’s just terrible for your mental health and for your physical health. So learning that I at least could potentially kick the shit out of someone, uh, completely changed how I feel all of the time, and it has changed since how I feel, and it doesn’t mean that I’m invincible, but it does mean that [00:19:00] I feel empowered somewhat, and so I think that we should be giving, especially girls, but all children, everyone’s vulnerable, self defense classes.

I think we should all be learning how to fight and most importantly how to get away safely. How not just to defend ourselves but how to protect ourselves. That should be something that we learn way before we learn about fucking igneous rock and trigo-fucking-nometry which almost nobody uses. And I think that, as adults, I’m trying to encourage, especially women and people from minorities who are more vulnerable, to start doing self defense classes as a form of exercise because then you’re getting the exercise, which is good for your bones, you’re also getting the happy chemicals from all of the movement, and you’re learning how to fucking protect your body whilst also protecting your mind. So that’s my tip. I will happily advocate for pepper spray in the United Kingdom, and I’m so sad that we are still having this fucking conversation.

Next question. I’m not sure if I have the most helpful answer for this, but I’m just gonna say it and then you can tell me if I’ve annoyed you. But the question is, “Any [00:20:00] tips for coping with a career that has a lot of pressure?” My most honest answer is that I would first start with a question of, is it worth it? If it’s incredibly stressful, if it’s ruining your quality of life, and life is not work. Life is living, and community, and friendship, and orgasms, and cake, and dogs, and all kinds of lovely things. Is it ruining your quality of life? Is it worth it? Who are you pursuing this career for? Is it for your parents? Is it to prove something to yourself, that you are valuable? Uh, is it because you have a particular dream that you are trying to fulfill, which I hugely support and I love innovators and I love people with an amazing work ethic. I think they are incredible. I was one of those people for a long time. And then I, I think I’ve just had a few too many friends die to now continue the way that I was going because I realized that I might miss out on time with the people that I love spending my time [00:21:00] on my career which was going really well and I don’t know if that would be totally worth it for me. And that’s just me personally maybe you’re doing something you’re super super passionate about um, but I would say that nothing is worth sacrificing your physical health, your mental well being, or your time with loved ones. Nothing. There’s nothing that’s worth it. There’s there’s not a single party I’ve been to, award I’ve won, paycheck I’ve received, or moment of glory that would, would ever be more important than, than the things that we most are encouraged to take for granted, which is our, you know, our mind, body and experience.

I would also say, is there a way that you could have this career, but perhaps a bit slower? You know, this, this culture of also, you know, being the best 30 Under 30, you know, getting to the top at a really young age, getting on the property ladder before you hit 30, having a baby, like meeting all these fucking milestones that are kind of invented, um, at such a young age. Is there a way you could slow it down and achieve these [00:22:00] things later in the name of quality of life? I don’t know what this job is. I don’t know what it means to you, but I, I do know that if you’re writing this question in, you must have been thinking about this for a long time and it must be weighing on you. And my personal belief is that I’m not willing to have to cope through anything. Your question was how do you cope with a career that has a lot of pressure. I don’t, I don’t want to cope anymore. I want to enjoy my life and enjoy my job and if that means working less, means living in a smaller house or in a not as nice city or not as nice place or not having as many nice things, then that’s more worth it to me than spending too much time at work. So I wish you loads of luck and love, but I also really want you to reconsider why you are having to cope through a career that’s stressful. Is there anything you could do that would bring you a bit more joy, even if it’s a bit less impressive? I’m [00:23:00] considering chucking everything in and just opening a dog sanctuary in the countryside, which I think is on the cards for me, maybe in the next 10 years, so who knows? But, um, maybe I’m a bad influence and sorry.

Okay, so next up. “How can I fight the feeling of thinking I look horrible whenever I see myself in a picture?” This is very very frequent. Uh, very few people love the way that they look in photographs. There’s something so morphing about a picture. I fucking hate having my photo taken and I can’t believe I chose a career in which I have to have my picture taken all the time and where I get videoed without even my consent while I’m eating. It’s so strange. But um, I think something that I, uh, I, I have huge regrets about is that I allowed my hatred of how I look in photographs to stop me from taking any when I was in my twenties, any personal photos. I didn’t document little trips I went on with friends or hilarious moments or even if someone did document it, I would delete the photo, uh, because I, I thought it was too embarrassing and I was so mortified looking at myself and I would give [00:24:00] anything to have those pictures of those moments back because now it’s it’s far away. It’s a fuzzy memory. You know, we’ve all, we all struggle to remember what we did yesterday nevermind five years ago ten years ago and there are these precious moments even with friends who don’t live near me anymore or who aren’t even with us anymore, they’re not alive anymore, and I would, I would give anything to have taken more pictures, to have documented them and us having so much fun because I know we had that fun together but I can’t picture it anymore. And, you know, even now I look back on pictures that I saw that I cringed at five years ago, one year ago, or one week ago. And I, you look on it later with fond eyes, especially pictures of you when you were younger, you don’t notice all those little imperfections or how your arm looks when it’s pressed against your body or how your thigh looks while you’re sitting down, or if you’ve got a double chin when you’re laughing. It’s so brutal that we pick ourselves apart like this and it stops us from documenting or keeping memories of the best moments. For what? For [00:25:00] what? To look like a fucking model in a magazine? Bullshit. Nonsense. So it’s okay to not like the way that you look in a photo. Remember that you will look back in a year’s time or later and not feel the same way. Take the fucking photo. Document your lives. Print those pictures out and keep them somewhere .You’re going to be so happy later that you did and and also my business partner Erin Finnegan who I run I Weigh with, and she’s one of the producers of the podcast, she told me that once she heard some advice that really changed the way that she feels about herself in pictures which is that, but it’s so rare that you ever take a picture of a sunset and it actually captures the sunsets beauty. It always just looks a bit dead and a bit shit and the sun just looks a bit small and unimpressive. We’ve almost never been able to capture some beautiful nature and actually show in the photo how amazing it looks and how incredible the moment is. So therefore there’s no point in expecting yourself to be captured at peak beauty. If we can’t even [00:26:00] get a fucking sunset or a full moon and make it look good, what chance do the rest of us have? So just let it go. Let it go and know that that’s not what the photo is for. The photo is not supposed to bring out your utmost beauty. It’s just supposed to trigger a memory of a wonderful moment.

And now that I look at photographs like that, I just sort of squint through photos of myself the first time I have to see them. And then I wait a few weeks or maybe a few months, look back at them and I go, “Okay, I’m really glad. I’m really glad I caught that moment of me and James laughing together with our dogs and I’ve got a double chin and maybe some snot in my nose.” I don’t give a shit. I’m so happy I caught that moment. So take the damn picture.

Next up, “how did you bring up having EDS with past partners? What did you share and when?” So EDS is Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. It’s the health condition I have where my body doesn’t produce enough collagen and it affects my joints, my organs, my balance, my brain, um, it causes neurodivergence. It causes all kinds of, uh, horrific problems in every single area of my life all of the [00:27:00] time, and it gets worse with age. Um, so I’m sorry to hear that you probably have this if you’re asking this question, a lot of people do. They’re only starting to really get proper diagnoses now. I’m very lucky that I was diagnosed at the age of nine, so I’ve had my whole life to understand and work my way around it. A lot of people find out later in life, and then they’ve been done so much damage because doctors have gaslit them out of understanding their own bodies. Um, EDS is a very intense health condition, as are many chronic illnesses. And, um, I have chosen to learn and I have chosen to learn how to stop feeling shame about this thing that I have to live with. I’ve realized that actually it makes me a bit of a legend that I get out of bed every day, that I ever go for a walk, that I socialize at all, that I have, that I achieve anything in the day given how horrendously shit I feel waking up [00:28:00] every single morning. How much pain I’m in, how exhausted I am, I feel like I’m buried underground every day for the first few hours. I can’t even grip my coffee mug. My boyfriend has to carry it for me, um, in the morning, otherwise I’ll just drop it all over the floor and smash everything like I normally do. Um, it’s very debilitating and I, uh, it was, it was probably my relationship with James where I, where I was probably about 28 where I finally was sick of trying to hide it from people because it’s this terrible stigma that people with illnesses have about thinking that they’re a burden and inconvenience like, yeah, you know what? I am slightly, I am a bit of an inconvenience, but I’m still worth being loved and cherished and there’s lots of other different types of inconveniences that other people bring and they might not be physical inconveniences, but they might have personality or mental health stuff that maybe cause you some stress. And so I think we should all just be looking after each other and not look at a physical difference [00:29:00] as more of a burden than someone else’s emotional issues. You are worthy of being loved and you are worthy of being looked after. And so I told my boyfriend pretty quickly, uh, into the relationship cause there were limitations that I had and I, in every way, just didn’t want to give him any kind of false expectations about me. And so I told him straight up, I explained that I have EDS. It’s nothing to be afraid of. These are the things that I have to be aware of all the time. These are the things that I can’t do. Um, I did, I did say that I couldn’t do reverse cowgirl, but that’s actually not a symptom. Just couldn’t really be asked, but I did try that one for years. Um, but other than that, I told him the truth about ways in which it makes life a little bit more, uh, colorful and I think it. Tells you a lot about someone and you should find out as early as possible whether or not they’re a good human being because someone’s response to that is pivotal as you understanding whether or not they have any humanity. [00:30:00] He was like, “Cool thanks for letting me know. I’ll do my best to make you comfortable.” And he did and hiding it would have only created a weird secrecy between us and resentment from me that I feel like I can’t say anything and I would never have got to find out so quickly what a great person he was, so tell someone straight up. You don’t have to freak them out. You’re living with this every day. You’re killing it. And so just tell them and the burden’s not on you, the burden’s on them as to how they respond. Are they a good enough person to be with you? That’s my personal advice. That’s how I feel. And I hope you feel the same way cause you’re a legend.

This is potentially a bit of a triggering one, but also something that comes up all the time and came up so many times this week for some reason. Um, but there is mention of sexual abuse. So the question is, “Do you have any advice to give to a [00:31:00] 32 year old woman who’s a sexual abuse survivor who’s been afraid to go to a gynecologist because the idea of being touched by a stranger is paralyzing, even though it’s in a medical context, because they’ve been dealing with trauma regarding years of mistreatment in the medical field, as well as someone with an unknown chronic illness and chronic pain?” I have so much advice. Um, I have been that person. I, uh, have spoken about it actually years ago on this podcast with, uh, I think Dr. Jen Gunter. The first time she came on this podcast was the first time I realized that it didn’t have to be horrific and painful to have a pap smear. Um, and I think I cried on that episode, uh, for the first time ever really publicly talking about how hard I find it. So I’m someone who when I would first go for pap smears, which I think was like when I was about 28, um, 27, 28, would have to be physically restrained by multiple nurses, uh, eventually started having to be half sedated with laughing gas, which is available in America. I don’t know if they have that in other [00:32:00] countries. Um, but I would still wriggle and I still felt like I was having a panic attack and I was being assaulted all over again, even though I knew the doctor, I trusted the doctor, I liked the doctor, it was a woman, she was really gentle, but uh, my body just remembered what happened to me and I, I even find it difficult if I haven’t seen my partner for a while to be intimate immediately because I’ve, I’m just, I’ve been left for the rest of my life with this sort of muscle memory. Um, what I would say is that EMDR really helped me. That’s eye movement desensitization reprocessing. It’s really, really good for mental and emotional trauma for breaking kind of thought cycles. And so when you’re in that chair and someone is, you know, placing their hands between your legs, uh, you can picture that moment while doing the EMDR and break the attachments to the terrible things that have happened to you in the past. That’s one thing that’s very helpful.

The other thing is that don’t be a fucking hero. Take the anti anxiety pills, take the [00:33:00] muscle relaxants, get high, however you have to, if you need to, make sure that you have someone who’s there afterwards to maybe bring you home. But for me, I take, I take anti anxiety medication, and I just get loosey goosey, however I need to, in order to relax because even though I’ve had EMDR and it’s massively helped my brain to the point where at least I now book the appointment because I’ve sometimes gone years without an appointment when I really need to for my health and that led to real fucking complications at one point, leaving it so long. So now I actually book the appointment and I show up and I’m calm, but the drug intervention of your choice, uh, helps me get through the muscle memory.

I’ve heard that somatic healing is very helpful, S O M A T I C, for anyone who’s dealing with body trauma. Um, it’s something I’m yet to try. I will try it and I’ll let you know once I do. I’ve just found the name of someone who does it because [00:34:00] I’m sick of my body having a reflex that my brain seems to not be in control of. Um, but just until you get to that, cause these things are all inaccessible and expensive and have huge waiting lists. Uh, just use chemicals to relax yourself and really break it down to your gynecologist what’s happened to you so that they go really, really slowly. Move at your own pace. Don’t be with someone who makes you feel like they’re rushing you out to get the next patient in. This is a huge deal. And you have survived something extraordinary and you deserve to be treated with the most care possible. If you do not have that gynecologist, leave, find someone else. There are amazing, especially women out there who, um, are so aware. Sometimes they’ve been through what we’ve been through and, um, it is such a different experience with them. So don’t feel like this responsibility is on you. Advocate for yourself, and do whatever you need to get through it, because I’m begging you to go for those appointments. I know they’re so unpleasant, but they’re [00:35:00] so, so important. It’s life or death sometimes. Sending you lots of love and, uh, strength.

Okay, so, “How do you tell your friend that her long term boyfriend isn’t good for her? I’ve done it before with her ex and lost her friendship for a year. After she finally broke up, she said I was right all along, and I feel like I can’t again tell her to break up with the current one, and I’m starting to feel like I’m the problem.” Oof. That’s difficult. I feel like almost all of us have been there at some point. Um, I’ve had several friends who’ve only ever dated absolute shitbags. Um, and it’s been incredibly difficult to hold my tongue because I’m, as you’ve probably gathered, a very straightforward person. Um, and I’m, I really love my friends. I would, you know, I’d, I’d die for them and I’d go to jail for them. I really love these people and I can’t bear watching them get hurt or undermined or underestimated or abused. And it is, I’d say, one of the biggest challenges of my life trying to figure out how to navigate that. I’ve made the mistake in the past of just saying [00:36:00] everything, and then they stay with that person, and then they fucking push you away, uh, because they feel either embarrassed or they feel like you’ve attacked someone they love. And yes, similarly as with you, they’ve then come back later and we’ve, you know, reformed the friendship, but it’s terrifying. And it’s also not necessarily helpful. We had Chelsea DeVantes on this podcast recently, who was a domestic abuse survivor, and she was very clear that actually the best thing you can do if your friend is in a dangerous situation or a bad situation is just stay close. Stay close and don’t be judgmental, just make sure that you are there. You can sound the alarm that you’re not sure that this is necessarily looking the healthiest. And then judging from their response, if they have a kind of knee jerk reflex, no, fuck off, then just back off and be like, okay, yeah, sorry, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I read it wrong. And then just stay close because they’re going to really, really need you at some point. And the worst case scenario is that they’ve pushed you away and alienated you and [00:37:00] then they don’t have somewhere to turn when they really need someone. So unfortunately, you’re going to have to maybe bite your tongue and try gently saying something to gauge the temperature, but other than that, wait until this person flags something. They will, inevitably. You know, they found out eventually with that other guy, and you weren’t even around, they found out that that was not the right person. And so, have faith in your friend that they’ll figure it out sooner rather than later, and just make sure you’re there when they do.

Someone’s written in, “How is your book coming along?” Um, I’m pretty sure that’s my publisher who can’t get hold of me on WhatsApp who’s written that in. Um, I, uh, I don’t want to talk about it. Okay, guys, I don’t want to fucking talk about it. But, um, it’s coming along. It is, it exists. I’m writing it. I’m dealing with my procrastination issues. I’m finding it very intense and scary because I’ve chosen a very difficult subject matter, um, but I’m figuring it out, and [00:38:00] it’s just maybe going to be a bit later than I meant it to, but I’d rather get it right than do it fast and impress everyone with my speed. I’m not going to do it impressively fast, but I’m hopefully going to write a book that helps people and that matters. Um, so yeah, it’s very hard and anyone who’s ever tried to do this before or done it before or finished a book, you are my hero, um, because it’s very confronting and scary and I’m doing it by myself. Uh, so we will, uh, we’ll see how that turns out. And if it’s a massive failure, then that’s fine because I will only find a funny story out of that. Um, but yeah, for now, for now, I’m figuring it out and I’ll keep you posted, but I’m not really going to talk about it till next year.

Now, lastly, the question is, “How do you navigate the question of politics in friendship when you don’t necessarily all agree?” I think it comes down to what do you not agree on and why. Are you not agreeing on fundamental principles of humanity? Are they proving to be an inhumane person who wants terrible things for other [00:39:00] people? In which case, maybe that’s not going to work out for you guys because you literally don’t share a worldview. But if they’re disagreeing on smaller political things that maybe have something to do with their background or their um, their upbringing or their current environment, I don’t know that I would cut those friends off. I have friends that I don’t align with on everything, and they’re still good people, and there are things that they’ve been able to teach me, and there have also been things that I’ve been able to teach them. And it doesn’t have to be this big fight. If anything, we’re much more likely to be able to align with someone when we are kind to each other, when we don’t push them away and shut them out. And so I think if someone’s got lots of redeemable qualities, if they are mostly a kind and redeemable person, I would urge you not to think about cutting them off. I think if they don’t intend to hurt anybody, but maybe they just have certain, you know, more conservative or backwards or different, I don’t know, different beliefs to you [00:40:00] and they’re willing to accept the beliefs that you have that they don’t agree with. Then work it out, stay close to each other, be kind, find a kind way to communicate with just facts, present them with the things that you know that make you feel the way that you feel and just invite them to see it from your point of view and try to see it things from their point of view. It’ll massively help you refine your own argument and maybe you’ll learn something from them that you hadn’t considered. I I think it’s for me personally, uh, within reason, I have friends who I have different political or social beliefs to, and it has expanded my horizon, it has made me a better debater, it has made me a better person, and also sometimes it surprised me because there were certain things that I’d gotten wrong that they were able to teach me about and, and help me grow from, so remember that people need each other, and it’s okay to have, you know, when we talk about having diversity in this world, we also need some diversity of thought, but as I said, within reason, as long as this is a humane person. Um, don’t lose faith and [00:41:00] don’t lose friends over politics because information is always changing, politics are always changing, everything’s always updating. Don’t dispose of each other too easily.

And so that is how I’m going to end this podcast. I, uh, love you lots. I hope to do this again soon. Next time I’ll probably bring a friend with me. Um, but right now I’m traveling, so it’s just me solo. I hope you’ve enjoyed these answers. I’m sure you will tell me if you didn’t in DMs and I love your letters, even if they are critical. Um, so look after yourselves. The world is fucking trash. It is a hell dumpster fire right now, and I applaud all of you who’ve getting on with it and showing up for yourselves and for each other.

Thank you so much for listening to this week’s episode. I Weigh with Jameela Jamil is produced and researched by myself, Jameela Jamil, Erin Finnegan, Kimmie Gregory and Amelia Chappelow. And the beautiful music that you are hearing now is made by my boyfriend, James Blake. And if you [00:42:00] haven’t already, please rate, review, and subscribe to the show. It’s such a great way to show your support and helps me out massively. And lastly, at I Weigh, we would love to hear from you and share what you weigh at the end of this podcast. Please email us a voice recording sharing what you weigh at iweighpodcast@gmail.com.