EP. 165 — Ask Jameela Anything with Beth Stelling

IWEIGH-165-20230601-BethStellingAMA-ACv01-DYN.mp3

[00:00:26] Jameela Hello and welcome to I Weigh with Jameela Jamil. This week I am joined by the excellent Beth Stelling, who’s kindly and graciously returning to help me answer some of your questions. This is Ask Me Anything with Beth Stelling. Hello, How are you? 

[00:00:47] Beth I’m good. How are you? 

[00:00:48] Jameela I’m good. It’s so nice to see you. How have you been lately? Give it to me straight between the eyes, Beth. 

[00:00:56] Beth My body is sore. I’ve played five six field hockey games in the last several days. 

[00:01:03] Jameela Why? 

[00:01:05] Beth And I feel tired. 

[00:01:06] Jameela Why Beth. 

[00:01:07] Beth Why. 

[00:01:07] Jameela I’m sure. I’m sure I join your muscles in saying why. 

[00:01:11] Beth There is a field hockey tournament called Cal Cup this weekend that my team played in. So you have like a bunch of games all weekend. We’re undefeated, but we did not do well in the tournament because there were a lot of ties but no one beat us. 

[00:01:24] Jameela Is hockey quite aggressive? 

[00:01:26] Beth Um, not really. Field hockey is not like body checking and anything violent on purpose. Like, sometimes there’s run ins and you definitely can get hurt by the ball and sticks. 

[00:01:36] Jameela Right. Yeah. It was quite violent at my school, but mostly that was just towards me. So that might have been more of a personal thing. 

[00:01:44] Beth Possible. [inaudible]

[00:01:46] Jameela That’s humbling, that’s humbling information. And other than your body. How is your how is your mind? Does your mind feel quite good after that much physical activity? Because I’m now. 

[00:01:57] Beth It’s a nice time to not think about anything but the game. Yeah, it’s a total. It’s a total unplug from my brain because I’m not thinking about anything else but the game. And I don’t even want to talk about it because what if I start thinking about other things during the game? Like it’s the only time my body just is like bye. 

[00:02:17] Jameela So amazing. It’s your form of. 

[00:02:19] Beth Half my brain is left on the sideline. 

[00:02:21] Jameela It’s your form of kind of I mean, I keep being told to stop saying this, but I can’t stop. It’s your form of meditation. Like, I keep trying to convince people that when I’m cleaning the kitchen because I feel completely mindless, that I’m meditating. And everyone has reassured me that that is not the case. But I think fuck those people. 

[00:02:38] Beth I don’t know why people reassure you that’s not the case. Yeah, because it because I clean for control. Sometimes like if a guy would leave my house and I don’t mean like after some sort of messy sexcapade, I just mean any time a man was in my space, I sometimes would clean for hours, especially if it was a particularly unhealthy relationship. It’s like my version of Wash that man right out of my hair. 

[00:02:57] Jameela Yeah. It’s an exorcism, isn’t it, really? 

[00:02:59] Beth Yeah. 

[00:03:00] Jameela 100%. I need to clean compulsively however, late a night ends when people have been over at my house because the the the mental health impact on for me, if I wake up to a dirty kitchen or living room, is is disastrous. I’m going to be a cunt for 24 hours. So to protect everyone, I clean all night. Anyway, I am. I’m very happy that 

[00:03:24] Beth [singing] I cleaned all night. 

[00:03:25] Jameela Yeah, exactly. I’m very happy that you’re here because I find you to be very wise. And you’ve also lived through quite a lot at such a young age. And I, from what I hear from our mutual friends, you were a sobering, like, voice of wisdom. You’re the voice in people’s head. When they know they’re making a bad decision, they do it anyway. And the only thing that brings them pause is wondering what you’re going to say about it. And you are ideal. Do you enjoy giving advice? Do you feel like you are that figure in most people’s lives? 

[00:03:58] Beth You know, I’m happy to be a good listener sounding board. I definitely sometimes I’ve been I think lately I should say I’m more open to the idea of of it’s not just my way or the highway. I mean, I’m never going to like. I always think I’m right when I’m giving you advice. It doesn’t mean I think you’re going to do it. 

[00:04:21] Jameela One would hope so. 

[00:04:22] Beth Yeah, but it doesn’t mean I think you’re going to do it or I’ll be mad at you. I’m working on that, you know? I can say this is what I think. And you’re going to do it anyway. I mean, like, I want to. I still want to be the friend that’s like, Sure. Tell me how things are going with your partner, and I’m going to tell you to leave them. But you can tell me the next time you get back together with them. Like you shouldn’t be the one. You should never hide it from me that you’re doing the thing I told you not to. 

[00:04:45] Jameela Hundred percent. I feel the same way. And also, like, I feel like you’re in your twenties you still have hope and optimism that someone’s actually going to follow the advice. And I think by your thirties, you realize that we’re all just a bunch of askholes, which is people who seek advice and then don’t use it. And when you come to accept that you yourself are an askhole then you, I don’t know. I think you become more gracious towards others. But for anyone who hasn’t heard that term before, it is an ask hole and it is a very helpful way of contextualizing certain people in your life and therefore liberating yourself from the responsibility of seeing them through on the advice. Also you might be wrong. 

[00:05:25] Beth It is. It’s yes, but it’s also a little to me. It’s also askhole can have a bit of a negative connotation in a good way for you, meaning if you have someone who’s constantly asking you for advice and you are pouring your everything into them, but they’re just a cylinder and not a cup, then you have to decide whether you would like to continue responding to their asks because they might be an ask 

[00:05:51] Jameela 100% 

[00:05:51] Beth hole, an empty, bottomless pit. And it’s like that means you need a therapist just to talk because. I don’t need to keep pouring my actual genuine care into you when you are a bottomless pit.

[00:06:04] Jameela 100%. And note taken because your face got really serious just then. So as we 

[00:06:11] Beth To be honest with you I wasn’t picture anybody I wasn’t picturing anybody

[00:06:12] Jameela Continuing our budding friendship. Note fucking taken. Okay.

[00:06:15] Beth In fact, I could have even been picturing myself like, you know, you never want to drain anybody, be like what should I do? And you know the answer or you know exactly what you’re going to do anyway. 

[00:06:25] Jameela Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Exactly we have to learn by our mistakes. I just don’t want to be the friend that didn’t say anything when I could so that they’re ever like, Why don’t you fucking say anything? 

[00:06:35] Beth See that’s smart. 

[00:06:35] Jameela That’s it. I’m really doing it for my own sake. It’s for insurance purposes. 

[00:06:39] Beth Yeah. And you’d be surprised how many people say, Well, why didn’t you say anything? And my response in the past, especially to a loved one, a family member would be, I couldn’t imagine that you didn’t see what I was seeing. But they didn’t. I guess.

[00:06:51] Jameela Not a helpful answer, Beth not a not a helpful way to say that. But but I do see where you’re coming from. So we’ve been given some some quite personal messages from people, and they would like a bit of our solidarity and support. So are you ready? 

[00:07:10] Beth I’m ready. 

[00:07:11] Jameela Okay. I’m going to hit you with a really infuriating one first. I’ve only skim read it. And I was already angry, so I’m just going to go in. 

[00:07:19] Beth Okay. 

[00:07:19] Jameela So this person says, I’m getting married this July. I’m so excited, but I’m finding myself getting stressed and not enjoying the wedding planning as much because I’m feeling immense pressure to lose weight before the big day. When we got engaged, one of the first things my boyfriend’s mom asked me was, Are you planning to lose weight? It’s gotten to a point where I wake up in the middle of the night with night sweats and anxiety where I’m scared I won’t enjoy my wedding as much because I fear I will not be at the way everyone is expecting me to be at. I want to be able to enjoy this day to the fullest. But how can I make sure I don’t let losing weight overshadow the excitement that comes with getting married? Well, first of all, I’ll reach out to you privately. And if you need me to go and fight your mother in law. Just let me know. Beth does field hockey, so I feel like we could. 

[00:08:10] Beth I got a couple extra sticks, and I’m thinking she might be hungry. Hungry for a couple balls to the face. 

[00:08:18] Jameela My good God. Jesus Christ. For that to be the first thing you say when someone’s kind of joining your family, for that to ever be something that you say ever full stop. I mean, how how much it makes someone feel like it’s been on the tip of your tongue. 

[00:08:31] Beth I mean, first of all, have you considered not getting married?

[00:08:36] Jameela No, Beth! 

[00:08:37] Beth Ok ok, that’s just I just wanted to throw that out there. Look, this is a tough one. I’m just sort of like. She should have never said that to you. She shouldn’t be commenting on your weight or your body. And of course, I’m so sad. We need to come up with some ways for you to still enjoy your wedding and have you let go of this. 

[00:08:53] Jameela Yeah, because I can’t I can’t stress enough to you that what’s happened to you is someone who’s just projectile vomited their own neurosis about their body or their body image ideals all over you. It’s really got nothing to do with you personally. And for someone to be so honestly deranged about body image that they feel compelled to say something so inappropriate and weird, so deeply weird to someone that they are supposed to love, someone who’s the love of their son’s life. 

[00:09:22] Beth Right. 

[00:09:23] Jameela Then you’re dealing with someone who’s like, I feel fairly free to say quite unhinged, because I’ve honestly not. It takes a lot to shock me these days. You know, I’ve been in Hollywood for 14 years I really. I’ve seen I’ve seen stuff. And I was stunned by that message. Stunned and appalled. 

[00:09:40] Beth I mean. 

[00:09:41] Jameela You you have found love with someone who married you at the weight that you are someone who loves you exactly as you are, who didn’t love you on some sort of contingency as to who you are going to become. He looked at you as you are probably naked and thought, That’s who I would like to see naked for the rest of my life. You are not, I hope, planning on fucking your mother in law so she can just go and fuck off. Frankly. 

[00:10:08] Beth Yeah. They have a couple of these things that they tend to say at weddings, like in sickness and in health and good and bad or whatever the other things are, in fat then they should add that right in there. But it’s one of those things where, you know, it doesn’t matter. Wear the dress, so it fits your body and you’re comfortable and can breathe. 

[00:10:25] Jameela The most important thing is that something I really can’t stress to you enough is that I’ve had plenty of friends get married in the last, like, eight years. I don’t know if you can relate to this, Beth, but like, the amount of my friends who starved themselves for their wedding to the point where they are weak, like, thank God the wedding march is so slow. That’s about as fast as I can walk. By the time they get down the aisle and they feel neurotic, the the disordered eating mentality and the body dysmorphia is almost worse for all the frantic starvation that you’ve just put yourself through. You are tired, you are cranky. You don’t get to enjoy those pivotal days leading up to what’s supposed to be one of the most special occasions of your life, like spending all this fucking money on it. All the people that you love are going to be in that room, including the person you loved the most in the world. None of those people, anyone who genuinely loves you, gives a shit about anything other than the fact that you are happy and you deserve to enjoy that day. Like get your fuckin money’s worth and don’t sit there stressing out. By the way, for all the people who crash, die for their wedding, it only comes back and more by the end of the fucking honeymoon because your body’s like, in, like, starvation, death mode. There’s just no point. Don’t put yourself through that. Don’t fuck around with the metabolism and mostly don’t fuck around with your mental health. Someone chose to marry exactly as you are. You just go on and enjoy the day. And I think don’t invite the mother in law. 

[00:11:48] Beth Yeah. I’m just sort of like, gosh, it is part of me. My mind goes like, Oh, did you talk to your husband about it? and it’s like, the truth is, all you can control is your own peace. And if you feel like you’ve planned the wedding to the best of your ability, you’re excited. Like, it doesn’t matter. Like, of course you take other people’s ideas or things into consideration, especially if they’re funding certain things and whatnot. But when it comes to you, that’s all you can control. And as long as you feel like you’ve made a sound decision and who you’re marrying and it’s not a mistake because it’s never too late to back out of that. But as long as you feel good about that, look, I’m very anti-marriage. So sorry. I think you picked up on that. But as long as this is really what you want to do, then all you can control is that you’re comfortable, that you feel good, that you like what you see in the mirror. And you should, you know, like be something in your dress. And be proud. 

[00:12:42] Jameela Yeah, it’s not a pageant. It gets treated. It’s like the wedding industry is already so fucked. And then on top of that, they’ve turned into this sort of infuriating pageantry where you feel as though you have to like you’ve already paid for everyone’s dinner, if I’ve paid for people to eat. That’s that’s their lot. I’m not giving them anything more than that. I’m not giving a thing. 

[00:13:01] Beth I’m just saying I want you to accidentally forget the mother in law’s meal and be like I was going to starve myself so I thought maybe you’d want to. 

[00:13:07] Jameela Give her a green juice. But I think also if I were you and listen, not everyone’s as combative as I am, but I would send that mother a bouquet of flowers with a note on it that says, please, no, I do not plan on losing any weight for this wedding and please do not ever discuss my body with me ever again. And then put your name and a kiss because she won’t really be able to say you’ve been horrible to her because that’s a reasonable thing to say. She’ll tell everyone trying to complain about you and everyone will think that that was a deeply reasonable and fair thing to say and will be quite horrified by her and she might learn a lesson. And so might anyone else who is thinking about having a little comment about your weight, no one has a I can’t believe in 2023 this is still the conditioning. As if as if the the photographs are supposed to show anything other than the greatest of joy. Like the amount of times I have not, I’ve, like, thrown away old holiday photographs because I had, like, the big upper arm, you know, in my twenties and I’m so sad I don’t have pictures of those memories. Yeah. 

[00:14:09] Beth You’ll look back at any photo at any time two weeks from now and go, Wow, what was I thinking? I love great. It’s so stupid, and also have a good time.

[00:14:18] Jameela I looked happy and I want you to look happy. I want you to feel happy. And I really would like you to politely tell your mother in law.

[00:14:26] Beth I want her to trip. I hope she trips down the aisle. I mean, I have evil plans. It just makes me want to be like, Are you planning on losing weight, Deborah? Or whatever her name is? You know, it’s just sort of like. But I know that’s not the right thing to say. 

[00:14:36] Jameela No, this is at the end of the day, We hate her. We hate her. 

[00:14:39] Beth Yes. I just want you to be prepared to answer things in the future. If she says anything. I just want to come up with comebacks for you. Like, you know. Do you plan on losing weight? I don’t know. Do you? Or do you like just naming it? Are you telling me you think I need to lose weight and then say, because I don’t feel like I do. 

[00:14:56] Jameela Their from a different they’re from a different generation. Yeah, they’re from a different generation. They’re from a generation that really like where women were really taught that. That was to. 

[00:15:03] Beth Just say she looks cold. 

[00:15:04] Jameela We had to show everyone how. How we deserve the love that we have. We have to we have to prove to everyone that, like, look, I’m worth it. It’s like, you already fucking worth it. You got a ring on your finger. It doesn’t matter. So far, so frustrating. 

[00:15:24] Beth As long as you’re happy. 

[00:15:25] Jameela I bet you look great. I, I hope that you can maybe even access some EMDR. That’s eye movement desensitization reprocessing therapy. You need about one or two sessions to get this fucking woman’s voice out of your head. Just. It’s only been in there a while. Get it out. Go and reverse the mentality that she has given you. Get some fucking sleep. Otherwise, you will actually look like shit on your wedding day. If you’re exhausted from the night sweats, hydrate and live your fucking life. Eat on your wedding day, enjoy the cake, enjoy your marriage. And please, please, please do not let the words and fears of a clearly terrified person impact your own peace. Maddening, isn’t it? Maddening. I’m not getting married. I can’t be bothered with the stress. 

[00:16:12] Beth I never am getting married. For sure.

[00:16:13] Jameela No, I’m never doing that. 

[00:16:14] Beth I’m never doing that. I mean, you could just save so much money and go on a fun trip together. Or just buy whatever you want to. 

[00:16:29] Jameela Someone said, Question for you, how do you get over exercise anxiety? I know exercise and movement is good for my mental health, but I have so much anxiety around it because for so long it was tied to losing weight. I struggle with moving my body in a fun way and not letting my mind ruin it. Have you ever had a weird like relationship with exercise? Because field hockey sounds extremely healthy as a way to as a way to. 

[00:16:51] Beth But that’s just something I found that I love, you know, to me it’s the carrot in front of the horse or whatever that is a little thing that’s moving around the horse track. I feel like it’s it’s more of a trick for myself in the sense that I just love the game. And sure, I have a competitive edge to me, but it’s nothing like I’m not I don’t need need it to like, get outrage or anything. It’s just like the game. Like there are rules and I can follow them and I love order and then all of a sudden I’m out of breath and sweating and I wish I ran more outside of field hockey because that would help me have a better game. But because I don’t like exercising, I don’t. So it’s like it’s totally normal to not want to go to the gym. Not want to exercise. Even during the pandemic, we had all the time. Most people had a lot of extra time and it was like I couldn’t even get myself sometimes to go outside. So those things are very real. So. 

[00:17:44] Jameela I completed Uber Eats. I can that’s what I did. That was my super skill. My super skill was trying absolutely everything that was gluten free on the whole of Postmates during the pandemic. 

[00:17:52] Beth Especially if it’s if you feel like it’s something you should do, then you put it off. It’s annoying. It’s like, it’s on my to do list, I should meditate, I should stretch. So there’s no like, good answer other than I think it would be fun if you can explore either. Was there a sport from your childhood that you loved and can you find an adult league near you? That’s one. And if you say I’m really unathletic, it’s like, okay, is there a time where even moving your body that you do remember loving? And was that, you know, dancing alone to some music in the morning, even if just for 5 minutes or was it swimming or trampoline. 

[00:18:25] Jameela Well  I for the last month I for the last month have been starting this kind of move your mind movement where I’m trying to get people to do between five and 15 minutes of exercise every single day and it can just be going for a walk, it could be running around in circles with your dogs. It can be tickle fighting, it can be shagging. Highly recommend, shagging as a way to pump those endorphins, running up and down a few flights of stairs for 5 minutes. All of these things just to I’ve really like put my heart and soul into understanding exactly what happens to my brain when I exercise. I exercise in super baggy clothes because I really think all the attire that we have been given to exercise in it’s just it feels like the eighties again. It’s fucking ridiculous. It’s just it’s so focused on giving you neurosis about your body. I exercise in baggy clothes. I have a sugary snack at the beginning as a deliberate fuck you to the old relationship I had with with weight loss where I mean, I would walk on a treadmill when I was 16 up until exactly 384 calories because that’s how many calories were in a Magnum almond at the time. And I have that number ingrained in my head. And so I always look to exercise only as a way to cancel out. Now, I will eat sugar before the exercise. During the exercise, I will either go and do it with a friend, I will listen to music, I will listen to podcasts, I will I’m doing everything I can to figure out what I where I have done it. And I haven’t even noticed the time going by. The idea that no pain is no gain is absolute horseshit. You just have to really focus only on, you know, write down what your mood is before you do it and what your mood is afterwards. Learn how to really motivate yourself. Because fucking hell like exercising for a longed for something like abs or a nice ass takes years, sometimes years. And I know I don’t know about. I don’t know who is into delayed gratification, but it’s no one I have ever met. Whereas you get the instant dopamine and endorphins from exercising, and so just do it for that. 

[00:20:30] Beth I did notice on the meditation app, which I make myself do sometimes, but I’m not good at keeping up with it. They have the check in thing and I was like, What is this? You know? And it’s like, How do you feel? And then afterwards is like, How do you feel now? And I’m always like, mad that I feel better. 

[00:20:43] Jameela Yeah, yeah. 

[00:20:45] Beth I’m like, Oh, shut up. You were right. 

[00:20:47] Jameela I know. 

[00:20:47] Beth I’m annoyed, but yeah, I think it’s true. You will probably feel better. I just think that definitely doesn’t have to be in a gym. I think, you know, you don’t have to be going to a gym or anything like that. And there’s lots of free apps and fun videos online. I mean, I bet if you even searched on YouTube, maybe something fun would come up. Like, I hate exercising. What do I do? 

[00:21:06] Jameela I like buying, really. I used to love buying cheesy old exercise DVDs. Like I think one of the more humiliating moments of my life was I was having like a full on my actual, actual nervous breakdown when I was 26 and I bought myself the Oh God, it was the Pussycat Dolls’ workout DVD and. You have to have a a feather boa, and you have to do it in heels. And I was there in my nervous breakdown, food covered pajamas, just like picture me like food all over my, like, pancake batter all over my face and in my hair, but with heels and a feather boa on alone in my bedroom slapping my own ass. I’m like, with the blinds open. And in England everyone can see into your window cause our houses are right opposite each other and just God knows what that even looked like. A woman who hasn’t bathed in several months with a feather boa and heels on in those pajamas trying anything to not kill herself. But, you know, it was. It didn’t actually help, I’d say it made me feel worse watching that. I would also seek out instructors who look like you. It really does make a massive difference because it switches off that like, weird. I am. I am other. I am different. How do I assimilate? It gives you a feeling.  

[00:22:28] Beth There’s all kinds of people who have great movement videos. I have friends that teach yoga online stuff.  

[00:22:33] Jameela Yeah Jessamyn Stanley is an amazing yoga instructor and she is a very curvaceous black woman and she can stand on her fucking head. And every time she does, it seems to really upset people because they can’t. And then they insist there’s something wrong with her health, even though she’s much more flexible and healthier than they are. Anyway. Okay, so someone wrote in last week I had a hard time and ended up cheating on my boyfriend. No excuse for it, but I’ve come out of it realizing that I had undiagnosed depression. I also have OCD and body image issues and I’m honestly nervous about being alone for the first time in a long time. Do you have any advice for single young women? How can I begin to heal myself and find fulfillment alone? Even though I’m young, I’m still so nervous I won’t find someone who’s right for me or otherwise won’t figure out how to heal and will hurt another partner. First of all, gotta say it’s unbelievably self-aware messages, like everyone, no one’s coming at us just with a symptom. Everyone’s coming at us with a cause. What did you say? 

[00:23:30] Beth I said did I write these? No I’m just kidding. I think that, first of all, that was very loaded. It was good to have the back story, but there was a lot in there that we’re looking, looking for a bit of a path. It sounds like, yeah, well we discovered the result of the cheating. The relationship ended and it’s like, well, how do I heal versus just jump into something and hurt someone else? 

[00:23:56] Jameela I’ve never cheated on I’ve never cheated on anyone, but I’ve definitely had terrible habits from old relationships that I’ve continued to, for example, being a massive fucking doormat and allowing really toxic behavior that I go in because I’ve got this weird, like martyr complex or hero complex or something. I just feel like, No, that’s fine. You can just take all of my resources so I can relate definitely to participate in a terrible pattern. Can you? 

[00:24:26] Beth Oh, my gosh. Yeah. I mean, I was going to say, the other answer is just keep doing it until you’re a stump. I mean, the very, very sort of self-pitying place to be in. But yeah, I feel very I’m in a place of like I’m a stump. 

[00:24:43] Jameela What are you saying right now? 

[00:24:46] Beth Like the Giving Tree stump? I’ve literally poured my everything into people who didn’t ask for that. And now I have nothing left to give. I have no choice but to try to just regrow a couple sprouts on my own. But I’m currently a stump, so you can wait until you become a stump and you have no other options because you have nothing to give anybody, which is not ideal. But you still might do it. 

[00:25:12] Jameela Yeah, sometimes I have had to. It’s not. It’s not. I’m not saying it’s terrible advice but what it is is

[00:25:20] Beth I’m just saying if you don’t change you have a stump to look forward to. 

[00:25:21] Jameela What it is, is realistic advice, right? Is that a lot of us do tend to keep doing something until we’ve hit complete rock bottom. And it sounds to me a little bit like this person has, which is why they’re reaching out. I think it is immensely painful, the realization that you have hurt someone that you cared about, and it can be full of guilt and shame and humiliation. And while I know we always do understandably demonize the person who cheats, it’s also it also can be a very a very painful thing because it’s not always done from like a place of evil. You know, from what I pick up from this message, it sounds like it’s also partially from a place of low self esteem or low self regulation. And that’s not trying to go out of one’s way to excuse anything or whatever. But I think it just sounds like you’re in pain, you know, you’re in pain and you don’t want to go into another relationship in pain. And I think that’s very healthy. This idea that someone else is going to complete you is such a fucking dangerous disaster from mine and Beth’s my era of teenage years. You know, that’s that’s what everything was taught, is that life, someone’s got a problem then. Then another person, the right person will come along and fix it. And this idea that every relationship has to have a garden and a gardener ballocks two halves make a whole Ballocks!

[00:26:42] Beth Yeah I mean, you’re supposed to be your own hula hoop, hula hooping, having fun, and then you don’t jump into someone else’s hula hoop because then you guys can’t even hula hoop anymore. You just hula hoop next to each other. And sometimes you’re hula hoops cross each other’s path. 

[00:26:56] Jameela Yeah. And sometimes when the hula hoop is snoring, the other one takes their hula hoop in a different bedroom. 

[00:27:01] Beth Hula hoop in another room.

[00:27:01] Jameela Yeah, that’s right. Upstairs. 

[00:27:04] Beth But obviously the answer is, of course, be happy on your own. Be happy. Safe and self. Happy and self. All these things. And the negative way of looking at that is like, oh, when you’re when you’re happy is when the right person comes in. Or love happens when you least expect it. It’s like, what am I supposed to, you know, be just looking aloof at all times? You know, It’s just the the annoying answer is like, just be happy on your own. 

[00:27:30] Jameela It is. It’s also these all these things you’ve talked about depression, body image issues and OCD. These are these are complicated, they’re complex things to unpack and they’re not done overnight. I think it’s I think you should try your best not to panic because how you’re feeling now is not how you are always going to feel. Let’s set aside the fear of being alone. We do know that many people have significantly overcome things like body image issues and depression, and there’s sort of mixed results with certain OCD. But some people are able to control their symptoms and just focus on those because you’ll never feel lonelier than when you’re in the wrong relationship. It’s so much lonelier than when you are trying to build a relationship with yourself and with your body. So take a year, take two years out, block it out as I’m not going to go on the apps. I’m not going to try and immediately jump into another relationship. I’m not going to identify my self worth with being partnered up with someone. I’m going to fix my fucking self. I’m going to fall in love with myself. As [vomit noise] as that sounds, it is the most surefire way to make sure that you don’t jump into another pattern, because sometimes where we have low self esteem or depression, we go into relationships that bring out the worst of us. And we do that deliberately so we can externalize our own self-loathing. We give ourselves a reason to feel self-loathing. 

[00:28:50] Beth Yeah. I mean, there’s been literal times in my life where I’m like, I’m unhappy, I have anxiety, I’m not coming, and I feel bad about

[00:28:59] Jameela As in orgasming?

[00:29:00] Beth Yeah. And it’s like, why are you with this person? And the answer is, I don’t know. So it’s sort of just like, that’s why you don’t want to be stuck in a pattern of getting into something you don’t even want to be in in the first place. And we talked about this earlier, but it’s like you also don’t have to demonize someone to break up with them. It’s okay. It’s enough to just be like, This isn’t working for me. Thank you for your time. And it’s on them how they handle it. It doesn’t have to be like this person’s so terrible, and I got to get out and, you know, or I have to cheat to get out. There’s no other reason you need than the timing’s not right or this isn’t working for me. But I appreciate your time. And that’s the hardest part, is maybe being alone or or maybe you did want to be alone and you’re ready for it. And that’s one reason you potentially cheated. I don’t know. I’ve definitely in my twenties, I would do a thing where I would basically start to sort of set somebody else up, like emotionally cheat. 

[00:29:56] Jameela Oh yeah, I did that. 

[00:29:57] Beth And find the next person that I was going to move to. 

[00:30:00] Jameela To jump ship. 

[00:30:02] Beth Yeah. I call it Tarzan dating like before I left I would come swinging to the next. 

[00:30:09] Jameela That’s great. Tarzan dating is fucked. Yeah. So don’t try not to wallow in too much shame over what’s happened. What’s done is done and cannot be undone. And that’s okay. And you’re not made of pure evil. And it’s great that you recognize that there’s a reason for all of this. Now, go after those reasons. Look after your fucking self. Put the the dating thing on the back burner. And. And I have all the faith in the world that you will not end up alone and that you will find someone. It’s just going to be so much easier once you have gotten your house in order. 

[00:30:41] Beth And there’s also all kinds of cool people that are single and plan to be for the rest of their lives. 

[00:30:46] Jameela Oh, I mean, 100%. If James and I don’t work out, I’m just going to be alone happily forever and grow a fucking beard and I’m going to live alone in a flat with my dogs, with 15 dogs. 

[00:30:58] Beth I’m going to stay single as well. 

[00:31:01] Jameela In protest and in solidarity. That’s healthy. That sounds like a good idea, Beth. But I loved being alone. It’s a I’ve built up quite a healthy relationship with myself where obviously, I know that I’m an annoying twat, but I like me. And so that’s been kind of great because then it doesn’t I don’t need anyone else to. And if someone does want to have sex with me and they make me laugh, then great. And if not, that’s fucking fine. I can just always hang out with me. 

[00:31:31] Beth And there’s sex toys. 

[00:31:33] Jameela Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Someone has asked, I did the work and finally celebrate my body for what it lets me do. How do I empower a friend in loving theirs too? Now I chose this question to ask. Just because we’re both in an industry. Obviously, like comedy can be slightly different in certain ways, but I feel as though there is still a a pressure, a kind of subliminal pressure on people to look a certain way, especially women standing on a stage. And we’re also in this fucking industry where we’re surrounded by people with with rippling body image issues. Do you have any advice as to things that you say or things that you do to be able to help empower the people? 

[00:32:20] Beth Hmm. I mean, I used to notice myself sometimes when I was with other female friends. I would eat more and faster, almost to be like, it’s okay, see, I’m doing it. I’m not saying that that’s certainly something that’s not healthy. Is is definitely is not. Is not horribly unwell.

[00:32:41] Jameela Oh, no, it’s great. No, but it’s. But it’s great and fine.

[00:32:44] Beth But it’s not ideal. 

[00:32:45] Jameela Yeah. 

[00:32:45] Beth Yeah. It’s not like it ever made me sick or anything like that. It’s just an interesting thing that I noticed, which was like, I was being like, the. Look, it’s not poison. Yum yum yum. Whenever I felt like maybe somebody was not enjoying themselves or not enjoying the food, but I guess it’s like the best thing you can do is obviously lead by example. 

[00:33:08] Jameela And also just stop with the comments. Right. The reason I like what you’re doing is because it’s the opposite of someone verbally out loud terrorizing themselves over what to eat because they’re, you know, they’re like, Oh God, this is so many calories or. Oh, no, that’s too fattening or oh, no, if I have that chocolate, I mean, if I had a fucking dollar for every time I’ve heard a woman of truly any age, almost especially over the age of 30 of well, if I have that desire, I’m going to have to run 20 miles tomorrow. So, so just the absence. Because every time I would hear that, I would suddenly feel an instant jolt of like, Oh shit, should I be eating dessert? And it was doesn’t matter how much I intellectually understand diet culture and eating disorders and and, you know, shame free eating. It’s like a knee jerk thing when you hear someone say, Oh, I shouldn’t do this. You think, oh shit, should I? It’s very hard to have immediate conviction in your own decision. And when I would hear my mum’s friends, like tearing their bodies to pieces, bodies that were the same or smaller than mine, it would fuck me in the head. It still happens with friends now. And yeah, I stopped commenting on the way that people look. I stopped commenting on my own weight as much as possible. I have stopped and whenever I catch myself slip into it, I just kind of stop immediately. And I’m very, very keen on encouraging women to enjoy their food when I’m around, and so I do think that leading by example is really important because you have no idea of the ways that you can accidentally trigger someone’s like, worst internal monologue. 

[00:34:43] Beth Yeah. I feel very lucky that I. I don’t really talk about any of this stuff with any of the women in my life. I’m surrounded by people who just sort of, I don’t know, we were able to go out to eat and order whatever we want and I don’t judge them. And I’ve noticed, of course, sometimes there are people who have different eating habits than me, and I can make the I can notice it in my head and say, Oh, I wonder if that’s because they feel a certain way about themselves or, you know, and I just I just do my own thing. I mean, I’ve done that even just with stand up where I was always like, all I can do control is what I’m doing. And if I can just be a good example and, you know, not lay it on thick or anything, but just order what I feel like and say it tastes delicious. And that was a really good meal. Yeah, I guess it just came for me with age. I suppose I’m just able to sort of like eat until I’m I’m full and and then stop. I usually love to end on dessert.  

[00:35:33] Jameela In the I mean, I literally only found that in the last few years because I 

[00:35:37] Beth I think the same for me.

[00:35:37] Jameela was super anorexic for many, many decades. Well I would just give as empowering advice for your friends is one way you can empower someone just by constantly talking about the shit that’s amazing about them. That has nothing to do with their body. I just constantly bigging up how funny, how smart, how great they are, how much you love them, constantly putting that, that feeling of like building up the stuff that matters so much more than the bullshit that the magazines focus on because they want your money and they want you to be miserable because when you’re miserable you buy more. So constantly feeding the brain with positive affirmation about things that actually matter is really helpful. And second of all, the advice that I always give to people is just this body is going to be with you forever. It’s going to be with you for the rest of your life. It is your car, it is your engine. It’s going to take you out three nights in a row until 5:00 in the morning. It’s going to get over STDs with you. It’s going to protect you from a pandem- it just got you out of a pandemic, going to save your life more than you can even really comprehend. It’s working while you’re sleeping overnight to heal anything that’s not working properly. It’s constantly figuring out how to help you help it. It is your ride or die. You will never have a better friend or a bigger ally than your body. And so you have to you have to advocate for it the way you would advocate for any best friend. If you want this friend to be with you, to be its best, you have to treat it well. You have to feed it properly. You have to pour good gasoline in the engine like it’s it’s. I very much so learned how to separate my body and sort of personify it as different from me, as separate from me so that I can think about like how it must have felt when I said all that terrible shit about it right in front of it, all those years of, like grabbing at my fat and then wishing I could cut it all off and just picking myself apart in front of the mirror like. I’d never do that to someone. I don’t have a friend that supports me a millionth as much as my body does. That has forgiven me for as much as my body has forgiven me. And in doing so, it’s helped me actually build a rela- because I never knew what the fuck anyone was talking about was like, got to build a better relationship with a body. And maybe this doesn’t make sense either. But for me, turning my body into its own separate character named Steve, no you don’t have to name it, but has made me like, want to protect Steve, you know, because he’s doing his best. It’s really like it’s become like a Disney movie now between me and my body, where I just want to look after it it’s my Tamagotchi and I have been abusing my Tamagotchi for most of my life. My poor fucking Tamagotchi, Steve. And so that’s just some maybe some helpful advice that you could give to. 

[00:38:23] Beth Yeah I think my friends can say damaging things to each other. And it sounds like when you said you did the work, it means that you’re not going to be one of those people, you know, whether it’s, Oh, you look so good. Did you lose weight? You know, those classic comments I’ve had things said to me that really rubbed me the wrong way, or I’ve even had times truly when I’m playing field hockey on and off season where I’m like you look this, you know, you look amazing, did you lose weight. And I’m I promise I’m like, I go, I don’t know because the answer is I don’t know and so. 

[00:38:52] Jameela And you don’t want to fucking think about it. 

[00:38:53] Beth Yeah. I don’t think about it.

[00:38:53] Jameela It also makes you feel like someone monitoring you all the time.

[00:38:56] Beth Well, yeah, I’ve. I’ve had I walked into it. Yeah. It’s happened at the Comedy Store. I don’t even know couple months ago it was like, Oh, my gosh, Did you lose weight? I was just. I was baffled because I to be honest with you, my response was like, Oh, sometimes I guess I just don’t maybe dress to accentuate my body because I’m on stage and I want people to not look at it. And two, I really didn’t notice like, Oh, I’ve been playing hockey more. And that’s the way I answer it because. It bothers me that comment just as much as I’ve had friends in the past say, like almost in a jealous or angry way, like, God, you’re so thin. Something like this. Which, by the way, I’ve never been a stick. So it’s just one of those things when people say, when friends who you, you know, maybe just don’t know any better either say that negative thing like, God, you’re so this or Oh my God, you look amazing. I guess there’s also ways which it sounds like you’ve done the work, but me, I don’t think about it maybe as much. I’m not as educated, but my way of dealing with I just go, Oh, I don’t know. I just been playing hockey more. 

[00:39:57] Jameela Yeah. Someone wrote and speaking of comedy, someone wrote in asking how they, as a young woman should go about getting into comedy. And I’ve never asked you how you got into it. 

[00:40:10] Beth Oh, well, if it was standup, I mean, again, this is like me asking Betty White how she got her first agent. You know, she probably, like, drew herself and sent it in as a caricature by snail mail. I went to an open mic that was made that was meant for musicians on my college campus, and a bunch of my friends came to support me. So it was like musician, musician, me doing standup comedy for the first time. And another musician, musician. So it kind of made it very fun for me. And then I wasn’t like up against other, you know, there were even, you know, less women interested in stand up comedy in Ohio. There’s a way to like sort of make it a safe space for you to try it for the first time. And for me, that was that I brought a bunch of friends and things would ebb and flow. But, you know, ideally you usually case the joint, you find an open mic and say, Is this place, I want to try it. You know, you watch other people, you kind of build up your confidence. You say, Oh, I can do that, you know, and then bring supporters to make you feel good and eventually you won’t have any new material and you want your friends to stop coming to watch you. 

[00:41:14] Jameela Yeah. There was a neurologist who was on this podcast who was talking to me about the fact that there is immense like she’s very anti manifesting. She doesn’t think that’s a thing, but she said there is immense like scientific evidence to prove that it has an impact on your confidence to imagine yourself in a scenario like get as much information as possible about that scenario and then imagine yourself doing really well. And it’s not because you’re about to manifest something. So let’s take an example of you go to that comedy store and you watch an open mic and you watch other people do it. So now you have an idea of what the room looks like, huh? 

[00:41:52] Beth I just would not go to the Comedy Store. But yeah.

[00:41:54] Jameela No, that’s quite intimidating. 

[00:41:57] Beth Yeah find like a small open mic. 

[00:41:58] Jameela A small open mic and have a rough idea of the venue and how roughly how many people tend to come where the bar is, what it would look like from your vantage point. And imagine yourself having a really great time and doing really well and feeling really good. And this is not because then you’re going to manifest that because and I’m not sure if that’s ballocks or not yet. Like the the jury’s still out as to whether that’s real. But what it does is, you know, your brain is built to predict and protect. And so all it’s doing all the time is it’s distracted, waiting for and looking for like the next surprise because it wants to protect you from the trauma that sorry, it wants to protect you from trauma by scanning constantly for for surprise. So that’s the thing that makes you feel on edge and it’s the thing that makes you feel stressed. And what you find when you imagine yourself like vividly in the scenario and you’ve actually been able to picture the room is that your brain goes, Oh, I’ve seen this before, okay, I’ve seen this before. I know what this looks like. So I’m not going to be peek on edge. And it massively helps your confidence and it helps your brain kind of reset the anxiety it would have gone in with had you just done it raw dog style. And I did this for my She-Hulk audition, and it’s the only good audition I’ve ever done. And I keep forgetting to do it ever since. 

[00:43:16] Beth Yeah. I mean, I don’t know about I don’t know about woman or wo-manifesting, but I visualization is real. It’s been proven to work, especially for athletes. But I think it’s like it is good to it to case the joint. Check it out. Get comfortable with the space. Picture yourself up there, picture yourself having fun and bring friends that will be maybe the only people laughing and maybe not. I mean, everybody says, Oh, the first time you bomb. I didn’t bomb for a long time because my friends were waiting for me to do stand up comedy for years and they loved coming to see me do open mics. So it’s like, that was very wonderful for me because it gave me such positive experiences early in standup. Took me a long time before I felt the cold harshness. 

[00:44:02] Jameela And what happens if you don’t have a positive experience the first few times what if you don’t have friends who are around, who are going to come with you, what do you suggest then? 

[00:44:09] Beth I mean, it’s a very out of body experience for most. I’m sure it’s a person by person. I can only speak for myself, but I would recommend recording your set. So use your voice memo because you will potentially remember it differently than it went. And that can be for better or for worse. Sometimes I’m like, you know, back in the day I would be I would almost be in awe of people who bombed and bombed and bombed and kept coming back. And in so many ways, I would say, do they not see what I’m seeing? Do they just not get it? And sure, there are very people who are oblivious. Yes. And then there are also people who just don’t want to give up. 

[00:44:50] Jameela And is that. 

[00:44:52] Beth In stand up ultimately. 

[00:44:52] Jameela Yeah it’s a it’s a a test of endurance. 

[00:44:55] Beth I was envious. I mean, in some ways I’d love to be that oblivious but also stand up is is the definition of insanity. You know it’s I’ve done the same thing to different results so many times there’s no making any sense of it. 

[00:45:11] Jameela But it can be really great.

[00:45:12] Beth Be you know. 

[00:45:13] Jameela When it when it’s something that starts to be really good. Yeah. 

[00:45:16] Beth Yeah. And it can be such a good feeling for sure. 

[00:45:19] Jameela And also I by the way, it’s also fine to not go with your friends. Sometimes I like I prefer to take a risk in front of strangers who I’m never going to see you again. I still don’t really let my friends come to anything that I do. I’m quite psychotic about it. Like I never let James come to anything that I do because. 

[00:45:35] Beth I mean, I think there’s two different types of people right, that’s like can accept someone holding your hair back where you barf and other people who are, like, don’t look at me. 

[00:45:42] Jameela Yeah. 

[00:45:42] Beth Look away!

[00:45:42] Jameela I’s a very vulnerable moment, 100%. Lastly, someone wrote in saying. Apart from EMDR therapy, because they know that I bring it up every single fucking time I do this, which isn’t available to everyone 100%. What other methods have you found useful in leaving behind or working through past trauma? You haven’t really got any past trauma, have you, Beth? 

[00:46:06] Beth I would say somatic therapy probably saved my life. 

[00:46:10] Jameela What’s that? 

[00:46:12] Beth You know, the way I imagine is different is I’ve only been with one somatic therapist that I found and stuck with. But I guess if I had to summarize it in a sentence, I would say, you know, with talk therapy, we can talk about things all day, but until you sort of get it out of your body, then there’s no maybe there’s more of a chance of recovering from it and moving on, I suppose. In my particular case, it would be finding where I might be holding that particular pain or traumatic event in my body. Like if I think about it, where does it come from? Is it my heart, is my throat where it wasn’t like I couldn’t speak up for myself and there’s like a, you know, a literal cinching or a gripping of what would feel like a hand over your throat. And when I think of it, that’s where it where it comes from. And my somatic therapist would take me to that painful place, but be with me and hold it with me and talk me through it and walk me through the experience again. But with my sort of with her and also essentially sort of, I guess, with my higher self and then release it. And sometimes that looks different for people. Sometimes people barf, sometimes you cough, sometimes your body shakes a little and it’s sort of moving it out of. 

[00:47:25] Jameela I feel like I need that because I’m a very detached person, like a scary, disassociated person. And so I always feel like I’m watching everything from above or more accurately, below from hell from my own private health. So like most of my life, I’ve never felt like I’m in my body at all. And that means that I’ve probably stored because, you know, I don’t have an emotional response to most of the the things that I’ve seen or gone through. I just sort of I used to push it down with food and then I think I learned how to put it down even without food. I would literally, like push down the food. I would I would overeat until I couldn’t breathe just to, like, get the feeling to move down away from my brain. But I think after a while I learned how to do that, even without food or drink. I think I learned how to just bury it somewhere. I think that’s probably why I get kidney stones and all kinds of shit. Not to say that those things aren’t also just, you know, biology, but 

[00:48:18] Beth Oh there are total [inaudible] responses.

[00:48:19] Jameela It’s a form of like, yeah, it’s a form of kind of physics, all of this that’s going on. And I’ve heard amazing things about somatic healing, and I think that’s a really interesting shout that people don’t really talk about enough. I highly recommend everyone looking it up. A lot of people are moving on from that because sometimes, sometimes you were really little when something happened and you don’t remember it, but your body does. Or sometimes you’ve blocked it out. I know I have certain things that are just too painful to remember, so I don’t really I couldn’t really talk therapy out. I couldn’t EMDR it. I had to just figure out where my pain was coming from in a body sense, so I might trouble you for that person’s number afterwards. And then all the ways to things like. Well, yes. Speaking. Speaking to friends. Speaking to free online group therapy, tech services, all these kind of things exist and are accessible. And I think mostly taking time, if you have any, out of your week, even if it’s just one day a week, even if it’s just for hours, one day a week to just do something that is just for you to sit with yourself, to journal, to, to do something kind for yourself that maybe you were missing before, really spending time with yourself, starting to really unpack all of this stuff and give yourself the love that has been missing to get you to that point of desperation knowing that this is a it is a marathon. It’s not a sprint. Not punishing yourself for not getting better fast enough is very, very important. And just. 

[00:49:49] Beth Yeah, it’s the easiest thing in the world to avoid helping yourself. 

[00:49:52] Jameela 100%. And so really dedicate like go like, look this stuff up, make a plan, take hours out of your week that are just for you for no one else. Start unpacking. What are my bad habits? What could be making me happier in my life and really start to make a list of all the things that make you unhappy and start to extract them one by one by one. Not all at the same time. Just microaggressions. Microaggressions of the great cull. Start culling things that make you feel bad. 

[00:50:25] Beth I think inner child work is also and can be really helpful and powerful, especially if it was something from you don’t remember or earlier age. 

[00:50:31] Jameela Was that like hypnosis?

[00:50:34] Beth No, it can just be something you do actually with yourself every morning, like 5 minutes in the morning, 5 minutes at night, you sort of picture yourself at whatever age it was, maybe where you felt unsafe and just know that where you are now is that you’re an adult and you can control it. And that was in the past. And now you can look out for yourself, you know, like basically this idea of like, I’ve got us now because I’m an adult. I know that was scary, but I’m not going to let that happen again because I take care of us. So you have that way of picturing yourself as a kid who you would never hurt, you know, you would never want to hurt a little child. So by imagining yourself as a little kid, whether it was during a time where you were hurt or not, it can allow you to be a little more compassionate with yourself. So, yeah, like checking in with your inner child and you know, looking out for yourself in that way can be really powerful as a daily exercise as well. 

[00:51:26] Jameela So speaking of exercise, actual exercise is amazing when it comes to trauma sometimes, because again, not going to the gym, but doing some sort of I’m really just fine honestly, walking walking is my favorite thing to do in the world is my favorite way to move my body is my favorite way to work out problems. But mostly also gives me such a sense of freedom and autonomy. And so, you know, after I had my proper big nervous breakdown, the big one, the Pussycat Dolls era breakdown, I it was two and a half years before I learned about any kind of therapy. I just kind of had to survive the suicide attempt on my own and pick my way out of it. And walking and walking and walking really, really changed the way that I felt. Walking to really high vibration, happy music. It just gave me a sense of like, I’m in control of my shit. Because part of the thing with trauma is it kind of leaves you with this hangover of an absence of self-control. It’s like something happened to me and I was not able to stop that thing. I was unable to escape that thing. And now that thing has left a mark. And it’s about reminding yourself, Now I’m moving through this. I’m in control. I’m deciding where I’m going to go right now, how fast I’m going to go, what I’m going to listen to, really exercise moments of of of ultimate self determination. And something as simple and basic as and free will are free as walking is is one of those. 

[00:52:51] Beth And another free program. Obviously it’s not and it has to be more multi like, you know, if you read a book like the Body Keeps the Score or something, people find the most recovery and multiple approaches to healing, you know, diet. And I don’t mean limiting. I mean like what you’re putting in your body, I should say, like certain types of foods that are more healing. Like you’re saying meditation and exercise. 

[00:53:12] Jameela Staying away from depressants. Alcohol.

[00:53:13] Beth Talk therapy. Yeah, and then of course, like there are also free group meetings, 12 step meetings that again, that have helped me like Al-Anon in particular, where I was very much in the world of like black and white and good and bad. And if I’ve messed up, I’m bad, bad, bad. And so for me, it’s been great because it’s less about this perfectionism that I put on myself. Like even during this podcast, all have had said stuff that people didn’t like, or maybe I wasn’t even like, maybe I didn’t even like what I said because I’m recording my voice and that makes me already feel weird and oh, it’s being recorded and it’s not. I can’t do anything about it and it’s already out of my mouth, you know? So it’s sort of like, but I’m not perfect. So these types of meetings are also like, yes, there’s like sometimes a higher power involved doesn’t mean there’s no religious affiliate. It doesn’t have to mean that you believe in God. And it’s basically take what works for you and leave the rest. And that should be like to me that has been really helpful. 

[00:54:15] Jameela There also a sense of community and Al-Anon because people are in it with you. Yeah. 

[00:54:21] Beth For sure. There’s community their support there’s just coming as you are and being heard. And so yeah, I just think it can help you shed some of that perfectionism feeling a sense of community and taking what works for you and leaving the rest. 

[00:54:35] Jameela Also slightly controversially because who am I if I don’t try and get myself in trouble and then drag other people like you done with me Beth, but I do also think and I say this from a place only of personal experience, but I am also having a mental health expert on to talk to me about this soon which is that, you know, this kind of like explosion of pathology, right? That’s happened where there’s a lot of self diagnosis and a lot of diagnosis and a lot of terms for every different type of personality or behavior. Um, I think that that can in some ways be incredibly helpful and good and interesting and help us to unpack, you know, certain patterns of ours. But I also think that we have to split the difference, right? So it’s like I’m traumatized, I have CPSD or I have PTSD that’s post-traumatic stress disorder or I have this or I have I have general anxiety disorder, I have this, that and the other. I think it’s important to be able to name it. But I also think it’s important to not allow yourself to be fully labeled by it. And I think that I grew up in a generation that was more extreme when it came to not being a quote unquote, victim of anything. And then this next generation, because they have so much info on all of these different conditions and the Internet’s updated and there’s so much discussion now in the way that wasn’t when I was younger about mental health. I feel as though sometimes people can fall into a trap of, well, I have this issue, I have trauma or PTSD, so therefore I will never get better. I’m just a traumatized person and I’m stuck in this. And it’s very important to make sure that you grab some empowerment somewhere in there and be like, I’m still standing. I might have been wounded, but I’m not forever scarred. And that these things or, you know, like pressure cuts the diamond, you know, this is unfortunately a little bit of stress and a little bit of harm and a little bit of trauma is how we learn. It’s how we grow, it’s how we learn how to empathize with others. And so it’s important to try to not fear these things too much. So it’s okay, but it’s something that you shouldn’t necessarily fully label yourself with. And I’ve kind of gone in and out of that and realized that my sweet spot is going, okay, yes, this terrible thing happened to me. And it’s left a few unhealthy habits for me and a few fears that aren’t mine that I’ve inherited from this other person or this other thing. And now I’m going to work on it and I’m going to get better and I’m going to move through this. And I’m not that person forever, and I’m not damaged goods. 

[00:57:00] Beth Yeah. 

[00:57:02] Jameela I think that’s something that’s sometimes in this generation very hard to grasp now. 

[00:57:06] Beth Yeah and I also just think the work is not really done. You know, you don’t just it’s not I can do this when I’m cured or I once I figure this out or once I get this amount of money or these things, then I’ll be happy. It’s like, Well, that’s been proven many, many times now. 

[00:57:22] Jameela Yeah, it’s just about like you know. 

[00:57:24] Beth All you can do is look out for yourself and find peace. 

[00:57:27] Jameela Our generation was we’re not victims were survivors. And then and I’m not talking about specifically sexual assault, but and then the next generation was we’re not survivors. We’re victims. And we’re going to own the fact that someone did something or something terrible happened to us. I think let’s just split the difference somewhere between the two. Because neither one is totally helpful. And so I hope that’s helpful to anyone out there listening that you are more in control than maybe you think you are, especially if you’re spending a lot of time on the Internet that you move through this. 

[00:57:54] Beth Yeah, you’re just never a finished piece. It’s a work in progress. You know what I’m saying it’s not like, Oh, I figured it out and now I don’t go to therapy anymore. It’s just like you might ebb and flow with it, but it’s definitely. 

[00:58:07] Jameela We’re never done it. Otherwise. What’s the point? What’s the point in any of this shit? 

[00:58:12] Beth There are times where I thought I figured it out and I was like, uh oh. 

[00:58:16] Jameela Do you get a bit smug? 

[00:58:17] Beth Not anymore. I’m a shell. 

[00:58:20] Jameela Well, you’re a lovely shell 

[00:58:22] Beth Thanks. 

[00:58:22] Jameela and one that I. I very much enjoyed spending time with for this past hour. Thank you for bringing your thoughts and experience to my lovely listeners. Thank you to everyone who wrote in with your questions. You are all wonderful and you’re all intelligent people. I love these messages and I’m sorry that you’re going through this. And again, I’d just like to reiterate to the first person who wrote in, If you want me, and Beth to go and start some ship with your mother in law, you just say the word alright. 

[00:58:50] Beth I’ll be there. 

[00:58:51] Jameela Say the word. All right. Thanks, Beth. 

[00:58:55] Beth Yeah. Thanks for having me. 

[00:58:59] Jameela Thank you so much for listening to this week’s episode. I Weigh with Jameela Jamil is produced and researched by myself, Jameela Jamil, Erin Finnegan and Kimmie Gregory. It is edited by Andrew Carson. And the beautiful music you are hearing now is made by my boyfriend, James Blake. If you haven’t already, please rate review and subscribe to the show. It’s a great way to show your support. We also have a bonus series exclusively on Stitcher Premium called Ask Jameela Anything. Check it out. You can get a free month the Stitcher Premium by going Stitcher.com/premium and using the promo code I Weigh. Lastly, over at I Weigh, we would love to hear from you and share what you weigh at the end of this podcast. You can leave us a voicemail at 18186605543 or email us what you weigh at IWeighpodcast@gmail.com. And now we would love to pass the mic to one of our fabulous listeners. 

[00:59:51] Listener Hi there. My name’s Isabella and I’m 22 and I weigh my good relationship with my parents. My parents sense humor and my sense of humor, my ability to make people laugh, being an empath and wanting to dedicate my life to helping others. I weigh my health, my ability to menstruate. And I know I complain about it a lot, but it’s something that I’m really proud of because then I’m able to have a baby when I get older and I weigh all my good friendships, my friends that make me laugh and make me so happy and comfortable and safe and I weigh myself, my good attitude and my ability and willingness to seek out things that will help me and make me a better person. All right. Love you. Bye.