EP. 201 — Ask Jameela Anything with LalalaLetMeExplain

Jameela Lala of LalalaLetMeExplain, hello and welcome to I Weigh. How are you?

Lala I’m very good. Thank you. How are you?

Jameela I’m great. I’m so happy to have you here. And I think my audience are going to be so happy to have you here because you are exactly what this podcast is about, which is a very no nonsense, straight talking approach to how we can be our happiest and most whole selves and truly live our best lives, not in this sort of frustrating capitalist way it gets projected, but in a very true and authentic and safe way. And so I really appreciate your work, and I’m really happy to have you here to help me answer all these questions which you are far more qualified to answer than I am.

Lala Thank you. Yeah, I’m really excited to be here. I’m really honored, actually. I really enjoy your podcast, and I really enjoy you as a woman and a voice, a powerful, empowering, feminist voice, so absolutely honored to be here.

Jameela Thank you. And likewise, I wonder what your dms, I mean, this episode is probably just an extension of your DMs. It must be constantly people writing to you with very intimate stories and asking you very intimate questions.

Lala Yeah, I mean, so my podcast on a Wednesday is Agony Aunt Wednesday. My podcast is “It’s Not You, It’s Them. But It Might Be You.” So I’m always answering questions on there. And then I do an Insta live which is Agony Aunt questions. And then I’ve got a weekly Agony Aunt column with OK magazine, which is Agony Aunt questions, so yeah. And then I have a special separate Instagram @AskLalalaLetMeExplain where all the questions go. So yeah, that is my specialty, giving out advice.

Jameela Does this mean that it’s like, do your friends now come to you and take your advice with more of a sense of authority? Or do you still have askhole friends? Askhole friends are people who ask your advice and never take it.

Lala Since doing this full time, I’m a really terrible friend. I can’t cope with it. I, when it’s like the weekend, I’m like, I can’t, I can’t like, I just please don’t ask me about your boyfriend, somebody else, I just, I can’t do this right now. So actually, it’s one of the things that I really need to work on in friendships because I just, I don’t have the capacity to help anyone outside of what I do because it’s just constant, constant, constant. But my friends are pretty good. My friends do come to me for advice, but they’re very, they’re all women in their 40s who are pretty, they they know what they’re doing.

Jameela I think it’d be quite funny if they’re all now anonymously writing to you as a way to get you to actually respond. Haha!

Lala Do you know what, a couple of times I have had to use friends things for like, OK Magazine or whatever. I’ll be like, “Listen, I love you, but can I just put this in the column and then I’ll give you an answer there.” Or they’ll get a voice notel I’ll just be like, “Hey, like, I can’t, I can’t cope with this, but like, this is what I would tell you to do.” They all know. If you’ve been following me for a long enough time, or you’ve been my friend for a long enough time, they know.

Jameela They know how this is going to be anyway.

Lala Yeah. I mean me and my best friend have long calls. I’ve got a lot of social workers in my life, so, you know, that’s that’s where I come from. That’s my background. So my best friend is a social worker, and we sit on the phone for hours and we advise each other, and she’s she’s really my sounding board. But yeah, me and my friends kind of bounce off each other, but, but they don’t directly, they know not to be like, “Hey.” Well, actually yeah that’s a lie. People do come to me for advice and I do help them, but sometimes I’m just thinking of actually, literally last weekend when a friend was, we were at a party and she was like, “Oh, something’s happened. I’m feeling really jealous.” And I was like, “I can’t, I just can’t, not at a party.” But I am available on the phone for friends.

Jameela Yeah.

Lala When I have space and time.

Jameela That’s good to know. It’s fair, it’s fair. And I appreciate you talking about balance to something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately is making sure that I don’t pour too much out into the world or into my career or into my work, and then not spend enough time with the people who I’ve built long relationships with. Anyway, that is, you know, that’s a New Year’s resolution for me, and, I think for many of us to find more balance, and I’m going to jump into the questions because just because there are so many and people were so excited that you were coming on the podcast. And these are some deep and intense questions, so buckle up. Alright, so the first one is, “I’m 41, divorced and dating, and I’ve recently started seeing someone for a few months now that I have a great connection with, however, I’ve started to notice some behaviors that concern me. He sometimes makes dismissive or even derogatory comments about women when he’s upset, and I’ve observed him being unnecessarily aggressive in situations that don’t call for it. I care about him, but these behaviors are red flags for me and I’m unsure how to address them. How can I have a constructive conversation with him about this behavior without triggering defensiveness or aggression? I want to understand where this is coming from and see if it’s something that we can work through together.” What a lovely person this sounds like.

Lala What did she say? How long have they been together?

Jameela Just a few months.

Lala Oh, go go, get rid. Why would you want to even talk about this or resolve this at this point?

Jameela Well, she said she’s got a great connection. This person rather, I don’t know their gender.

Lala Yeah, we’ve always got great connections with terrible people, you know what I mean?

Jameela And why is that?

Lala Well, because that’s all part of it, isn’t it? No. If you wouldn’t go on a date, first date with someone who’s absolutely hideous and then remain there, there’s always that balance of the the positive, you know, that that thing that charms us and draws us in. That’s why we we then stay when they are being horrible. You know, if you, if you are a few months into something and there are a number of red flags, he’s reacting with defensiveness.

Jameela Well, he sometimes makes, so it doesn’t sound like he’s been horrible yet to this person. But but they say that, he sometimes makes dismissive or even derogatory comments about women when he’s upset, and he can be unnecessarily aggressive in situations that don’t call for it.

Lala Yeah.

Jameela And so it seems like this person wants to get to the bottom of it in case this is like a trauma response or a mental health issue because they seem to, you know, I think they already feel a bit invested in this person. But you’re saying, no, Chuck, get rid of.

Lala Derogatory comments about women when they’re feeling upset.

Jameela Huge red flag.

Lala I mean massive red red flag. And I feel like if you’ve been with this person for ten years and like suddenly their behavior was changing and they were developing these weird character traits, yeah, explore it, figure out what’s happened, figure out what has triggered this. A few months into something, why, why would that be worth the risk? The derogatory about women thing is a huge red flag to me. And what is he saying that’s derogatory about women and also being dismissive of of of of what? Of what you say?

Jameela Dismissive comments about women I guess is what. And but I think also like the, the main red flag is like the fact that already you have a fear that you can’t talk to someone about something without them becoming aggressive is, to me, the biggest red flag. Or it’s like your gut instinct has made you reach out to this podcast or reach out to Lala because you’re afraid. And I think that women have been taught to tolerate and override, and I’m presuming this person is a woman. I might be wrong. But what people who’ve been socialized as women have a big tolerance that we’ve been taught to endure for fear. Fear for our own safety. And and we’ve just been sort of like hyper normalized the idea that that’s just the way it is from the age of sort of six onwards. And so we often, I’m not saying that this person’s doing that, but I only can say from my own experience, I’ve gaslit myself about my own safety sometimes in pursuit of like because of my sympathy for someone that I’m with, especially if it’s a man. And that’s something I’ve had to unlearn over time and draw boundaries. So I, I appreciate how fast you came in there with no get out.

Lala Yeah, yeah. There’s just no, exactly as you say. We have been taught and conditioned to second guess ourselves, to see the man as maybe having the authority or seeing a relationship as being such a pinnacle of what we have to want to be in and achieve that we’ll overlook all these things, to try to make it better, just to get to that place of a relationship with somebody who, quite frankly, it’s clear from this that, you know, it’s probably better to be single because if you are afraid that he’s going to be aggressive, if you have things like this that you need to address within the first few months anyway, and then you’re afraid that he’s going to be aggressive when you when you do raise them with him, it’s only going to escalate. Unless he suddenly goes off and gets therapy magically, and therapy is not just like, “Oh, I’ve got therapy. Six weeks later, boom, I’m a different man.” Therapy is work. And actually sometimes, you know, the more intense the therapy is, actually, you may even regress and get kind of worse for a bit, you know. What happens when this guy gets worse? No. Why are we thinking of even therapy? No, no, no, you’ve got much better things to do on your own. Go masturbate. Meditate. Moisturize. Bye.

Jameela Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I also, I love you, but I also want to, and again, I don’t want to project this onto this person who’s written in, but I do think we should just always flag the fact that sometimes that great connection that’s mentioned in this, this question, is fight or flight having been romanticized as, you know, basically anxiety and fear for our lives is being romanticized as like butterflies and that, you know, that intense connection you have with someone where you’re like, you feel really nervous. And you’re sort of like, I can’t eat and I’m, I’m so we think of it always as excitement. But excitement and fear can have the same physical, physiological impact in our bodies. And it took me a really long time to realize that that is a sign that my body’s telling me to run away, and to the point where, with my current partner, I, we almost didn’t date each other because we didn’t have that feeling of like, you know, I’m just going to starve to death with stress. We were like, “Well, this can’t be love. You know I love you, but I’m clearly not in love with you because I’m, I feel great all the time.” And so we almost missed, like, what’s now turned out to be a nine year amazing relationship because we’d been so programed by media to think that if you don’t feel like you’re going to die, you know, that, that then it’s not really love.

Lala That is such an important point, such an important point. And also, I mean, to add to that, sometimes what we say is a great connection is just the bare minimum. Just someone who’s being nice to us, just someone who is returning our calls because especially I think for a lot of women who have dated men have been in so many situations where we do have that, like, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep because I don’t know when he’s going to text me back. I don’t know what how he feels about me. I don’t know where, where I stand. And then all of a sudden we meet someone who does text us back, who lets us know that they like us. And to us that’s like, “Wow, great connection. I’m in love with him.” Really? Because it needs more than that.

Jameela We’re like king! We don’t know the situation, we can’t undermine it. I’m sure there is a, you know, some sort of a connection there, but I do see where you’re coming from and, straight out the gate, ten minutes in, we’ve ended a relationship, so no wonder you are anonymous.

Lala Good luck to her. She’s going to have a ,she can have a, like I do, I do have empathy. She’s 41 and it’s fucking shit. If you’ve been looking for someone for a really long time.

Jameela Yeah.

Lala At 41 the dating game gets much harder for women. Nobody can deny that. And, and it’s shit. If you finally meet someone, you think, “Actually this is going really well, but fucking hell, there’s now a number of red flags and it would be very sensible of me to cut it off at this point.” It’s not easy to do. It’s not easy to do. And she probably won’t. But I would really advised her to, and tell your friends about this stuff. Don’t hide any of this from your friends. Tell your friends about these red flags. Talk to people about this. Create a little safety support network around yourself. If you don’t leave now, just at least prepare yourself and don’t get too invested with things you know, don’t get a mortgage. Don’t move him in yet. Just take it slow.

Jameela And good luck to that person. They sound very emotionally intelligent and tolerant, and whoever they do end up with will be very lucky.

Lala Absolutely.

Jameela Okay, so this one’s now about friendship, which I always find so interesting. And we got so many questions about this on this podcast. “How do I break up with a longer term friendship? I’ve been friends of the woman for over 16 years, but as we’ve gotten older, I just feel like we’ve grown apart. I feel a lot of pressure from her to keep the friendship going and to make time for her, but if I’m honest, she’s just not my kind of person anymore. And whenever we do hang out these days, I dread it.” Oof. “She’s done absolutely nothing wrong and has always been super loyal, but we just don’t have anything in common. Help.” Oh. That’s so sad. It’s just so, it’s so much harder than “I’m leaving my husband of 25 years” for some reason. It just always feels so much more dramatic and like a a harder rejection that we all find so awkward. I would love to hear what your thoughts are on it.

Lala You know, it’s a really difficult one because I’m not sure whether I would want somebody to sit down and say to me, “I don’t want to be your friend anymore.” I feel like I might prefer them to slow fade, and I don’t recommend that in romantic relationships, so I’m not sure why I feel like I would prefer that in a friendship. And I guess maybe I’m thinking that because, well, some people, a lot of people have multiple friends, whereas unless you’re poly, you have one romantic partner, so it could, I think, probably feel a bit more significant. I think I’ve had friends over the years who’ve outright ghosted me and other friends who have like, slow faded me. I’ve never had anyone sit down and say, “I don’t want to be your mate anymore.” And I and I feel like if somebody did that, I’d be like, “Alright, you weirdo.” Even though that doesn’t make them a weirdo for not wanting to be my friend.

Jameela Well, it’s a more explicit rejection, isn’t it?

Lala Yeah. And I think it can be really hurtful.

Jameela There’s something about, “I want to have sex with other people,” or it’s something about it being a physical attraction that weirdly can be in a way, it can feel more hurtful, but it’s also somehow less personal than your innate personality.

Lala Yeah.

Jameela And lends and sense of being, like like they are, she’s just lost, they’ve lost their connection they have. And it’s so normal. It’s so normal to grow up and grow in different directions. Like we’re all a product of our environment, we’re all a like product of our experiences, and they shape us so differently, but feels like a bigger rejection because you’re not actually stopping someone from having, you’re not getting in the way of anything, when, when you’re asking to be one of someone’s many friends. And so someone’s just going, “No, I don’t want you.” And so actually, even though I do. Yeah.

Lala I feel like that would be a bit harsh.

Jameela It’s quite refreshing to hear you say this because like, traditionally, all advice and like, I feel like the internet has become, has made us so ruthless and really encourages ruthlessness of just like, “I’m setting my boundaries and my boundaries are the most important thing.” And our boundaries are very important, but the way that we have learned how to communicate with people, like the way, have you seen these TikToks where people read out like what looks like a memo from H.R. when they’re drawing a boundary with a friend? These like formal, like hyper pathologized, like sort of insta therapy terms that just feel so cold and so dead and like, this is how we’re telling people to talk to each other, and everyone’s all about like, “I’m just being authentic. I’m just being my real self.” But actually, I can see the logic in what you’re saying of just like, becoming more and more of a disappointing friend until someone becomes so exasperated with you that they sort of opt out might actually be the kind of thing. I don’t know. I don’t know, but I do agree with you that, I mean someone sitting down and just being like, “I just don’t want you in my life anymore.”

Lala Yeah that’s hardcore.

Jameela I think it would kill me. Yeah.

Lala Me too. And that’s why I’m just kind of feeling like, how would I react to that? I’d be really like, “I wish you hadn’t told me that. I wish you’d just not invited me out anymore or whatever,” you know? But but maybe that’s, you know, I think lots of people would have lots of different opinions on this, and I think some people would probably have really kind ways of being able to do that. For me I feel like the kindest way would just be a slow fade because you notice when your friend is slow fading you. You notice when they’re taking a while to reply to things or not inviting you out, and you notice that you haven’t seen them for a little while and you kind of go, “Oh shit. Like are we maybe you’re not friends anymore? Cool. Okay.” Whereas yeah, I don’t think I could handle being dumped by a friend in that way, especially if it was like blindsided, out of the blue.

Jameela No. Yeah. I didn’t expect you to say that. And I’m really glad that you did because actually, I think it’s it’s actually far more empathetic. The only way I could think of, if someone’s like desperate to be able to draw a boundary because they don’t want to keep having this long back and forth for someone making you feel guilty, a possibility, and you could tell me if I’m wrong here, could be to say, “Listen, I’m so busy and my priorities in life have changed in a way that means that I don’t have the kind of capacity and time that I used to. And I do think that you deserve someone who does, and who can give you back what you are clearly putting in. And I don’t want to keep disappointing you, but I also want to be realistic with you about your expectations because I just can’t, I don’t, I’m at capacity and I’m so sorry.” And I, you know.

Lala That’s a beautiful answer. I love that. I would because I feel like you could take that because that’s not someone saying, “I’ve changed.”

Jameela I just don’t like you anymore

Lala We’re not the same people anymore. Yeah. I think that’s like, I’m, I think I think that kind of thing is a lot easier to do if you are, you know, in a new relationship or you’ve just had kids or you’ve had a new job, and that’s the kind of thing that you could blame it on, “Listen, my new job is insane. I just don’t have the hours I have anymore. And I’m really sorry. I’m just letting people down left, right and center,” as you said it. Like, “don’t want to keep doing that to you, so don’t be hurt, or offended.”

Jameela But I think it’s time to seek that, like reciprocity, like elsewhere, because I just can’t. I can’t give it to you. I think maybe that that’s the closest I think I could come to something that I could handle.

Lala I think you said that really well. Yeah.

Jameela Well, hopefully that was helpful because we get that question all the time on the podcast whenever we do an ask me anything. I’m so happy that you’re here. Okay, so “What are your thoughts on hyper independence in today’s society? I shut myself off from dating for years thinking I had to work through my mental health alone, and now I realize that it only made me feel worse about my struggles. How does one engage in healthy connection while we’re working on major health or mental health barriers simultaneously?” Great question.

Lala Oh, I think it’s one of those ones where maybe if you’re I mean, I feel like we’re always, always working on mental health. I feel like that is just an ongoing process throughout your whole life. I think you come to a point I don’t know about you, but there was, in my teens and 20s and whatever, I mean, social media wasn’t around telling us that we had to work on our mental health. We just bounced around the place, galavanting with our mental health proudly like not even realizing we were mentally ill. And and now we are all in a place where it’s like, actually do work on yourself. But I wholeheartedly think that that is an ongoing, never ending process. I don’t think you get to the end of it because I think there’s always new shit. There’s always a new phase of life. You can do all the work in your 30s or whatever. And then as a person with a vagina, you get to 41 and perimenopause hits and you’ve got a whole load of new mental health that you have to do.

Jameela Yeah. Also, if I may add, just quickly, we often I don’t know about you, but I’ve learned a lot of my mental health struggles because they pop up during a relationship, things that I didn’t know I had trauma around, I would never have learned.

Lala Absolutely.

Jameela Without being in the relationship to find it.

Lala Especially well, especially attachment style stuff like you might not even realize how avoidant you are or how anxiously attached you are until you’re, like, practicing with someone. I mean, I think, of course, if you’re in the midst of like a psychotic episode, it’s really not a good time to be dating. Or if you are, you know, extraordinarily vulnerable as a result of your mental health and therefore may end up in relationships that could be really harmful because you’re clinging to, you know, familiarity. And that familiarity is the abuse from your childhood or whatever. You know, then it can be really dangerous to date when your mental health is really low. But it sounds like this person has done a lot of work and is still doing the work. Perhaps dating apps aren’t the best place because dating apps are fucking brutal and a hideous place to be, and will likely cause you mental health problems and trauma if you have not got the thickest skin before you go on there. But I think actually, if you’re just open to it, I think a really great thing for somebody like this to do would be to get involved with community groups like volunteering, go and work at your local or get involved in your local Green Party campaign or or your local soup kitchen or whatever because you will be meeting people in your community and generating love from different people. And by like default, you kind of end up meeting people who you can bond with and who you can get on with. And it hasn’t been like, “I’m out here at the soup kitchen trying to find a date,” which is definitely not the best place to go and find a date, but you just get out there and be out there and be open to love while also working on yourself. I think sometimes we can just be like “My, I’m not speaking to anyone,” and sometimes that can be great for us, but work on you while simultaneously being open to whatever and not feeling like, “I have to be healed.” You’ll never be healed.

Jameela What do you think about the hyper independence and hyper individualism of today? Because I think it’s, I think it’s great to I, I think we have this pendulum problem, right? In our society where we go from, you know, hundreds of years of telling women especially but all people, it’s like you have to be bonded with someone. And if you don’t get married by the time you’re 23, then you haven’t achieved anything in life and nothing else that you do means anything if you don’t have love, and if you don’t have a man, and if you don’t have kids. And then we’ve kind of swung, we always like make these very extreme swings to the other side before we come back to the middle of, like, “You don’t need anything, you don’t need anyone. You like, you are your own boss bitch,” and you know, whatever. And like, you know. This is, you can’t trust anyone out here. And everyone has to be psychically aware of all of your boundaries, and everyone has to be perfect who’s around you, and no one can upset you ever. And and, you just have to, you know, we use the term like, protect your peace, which I think I very much so advocate for to an extent. But I feel like we’ve almost taken that, and this is largely coming just from like the amount of the shit that I see on TikTok, etc.. There’s so much language around this and verbiage around protecting our peace to the point where we’re telling everyone, like we’re, we’re sort of like struggling to find that line. I’ve struggled to find that line between self-preservation and certain sort of self isolation and selfishness. So do you sense a similar trend that we’ve kind of, like, swung it too far, or do you think, no, I’m all here for that because at least people are protected?

Lala I think we’ve swung it way too far. I also think this new generation, there is just so much misinformation and so many armchair experts and so many people saying so many different things now that it’s almost difficult to establish what is right and what is wrong and what should I do. And we’re all just like tunnel visioned into the internet becoming more and more narcissistic, more and more self-obsessed. And, and I think it has had a huge impact. I think the person who had it absolutely right is bell hooks All Bbout Love. If you’ve not read that book, then it’s an absolute must because she talks about love in all its different forms and and like as I say that about, you know, that person going out into the community, even if you don’t in the community find a romantic partner, it is that giving and receiving love in other ways from your colleagues, from, you know, people that you just give care to in the street, like because you’ve bumped into someone who’s had an accident or whatever, you know. Love is generated from so many different sources, and she talks in there, actually, about the hyper independence stuff and about people. She she references Little Kim, actually, and this whole thing of her being, I can’t, she quotes some interview, I think that she did, which was all about like, it’s all about the bag, it’s all about the money. I don’t need anything else. And talking about this kind of drive that people had to just make it to the top regardless, you know, to to become wealthy regardless, and yeah, I think it’s, I think that’s where we’re at now. People are just so individualistic. And I think that’s where we’re at now. We’ve kind of got really, really lost. And then it feels like the only people who are kind of promoting relationships are like podcast bros with microphones who are like,

Jameela Oh my God.

Lala You need to be in a relationship because you need a man to protect you from

Jameela From who?

Lala From home invaders, yeah, exactly from home invaders. I’m like, “How many times have you had your home invaded, mate like really?

Jameela No, but it’s also like when men say, like you need men to protect you, it’s like from whom?

Lala Yeah. Exactly.

Jameela Who do we need, who do we need protection from? Other men.

Lala Yeah. Well, you most likely. You’re the one most likely to cause us problems.

Jameela Oh, yeah.

Lala The biggest killer of women is their own fucking husbands or ex-partners.

Jameela Mate, did you see that viral video? I think it just started going viral in the last week. I don’t know if anyone else has seen this, but it’s a guy being like, “A woman should never be more than two thirds your size or your weight because she has to be able to know that you are big enough and strong enough to kill her, but you choose not to. But she knows you could. She knows you could pick her up and throw her against a wall, but you choose not to. And that’s how to create a feeling of trust and safety for her because she knows that you are controlling, you know, this sort of animal within.” I was like, we have reached a new level of the fucking shithead matrix now, like this is.

Lala It’s unbelievable.

Jameela This can’t be real. I was like, “Am I awake? Is this a nightmare that I’m having, that this is advice that is being given?” And like the comment section, there’s so many people being like, “Yeah, this is absolutely right.” And even women being like, “Yeah, I like this feeling. That makes me feel safe, like it’s the Tarzan to my Jane,” and I just, it’s very stressful.

Lala It is very stressful. I saw one the other day with this bozo on a podcast, and he was like, “Did you know that every time a woman has sex with a new man his sperm enters her brain?” And then this guy was, like, deadly serious. And then all the people in the comments underneath were like, “Why don’t they teach this in schools?” And like because it’s not true, you fruitcake. Like that it’s all mad. And this is what the, this is part of the problem is like, in some ways, it’s almost better to be on your own for the rest of your life than to be with someone who has been indoctrinated into what relationships are by a man with a microphone. And there are a lot of them out there.

Jameela Ah, wild.

Lala So yeah, love love yourself.

Jameela In short, you don’t have to wait till you are perfectly well. There is no end to the journey of happiness and and mental health. But don’t close off the idea to all love just because you’re still working on stuff because sometimes, as I found with my boyfriend, we’ve been a massive help to each other with our mental health, like a massive support and like a big ride or die friendship has grown underneath all of the love. So sometimes with the right person, that journey towards happiness doesn’t hinge on being in a relationship, but the right person is a friend above all else.

Lala Absolutely.

Jameela Who then you’re also attracted to and you also are in love with who can be an amazing companion through the fire because it’s fucking lonely and it’s fucking hard, so you can do it by yourself, but don’t feel like you have to. Right?

Lala Yeah, just be open to love at all times.

Jameela Right.

Lala I think unless you really are in a place where you just shouldn’t be, but you’ll know that in yourself.

Jameela 100%. Alright, next one, “What advice would you give to people who are struggling with self-esteem or body image issues when it comes to dating? My sisters put off dating, quote unquote, until she loses more weight, but she’s in her late 20s now and seemingly not doing anything about getting in better shape or putting herself out there. And I’m worried that the longer she stays single, the greater her chance of remaining that way will be because she’s depriving herself from the experience in building that skill set. Would love advice for how to encourage her without being patronizing.”

Lala It’s not really your business, you know what I mean?

Jameela Yeah.

Lala Why are you talking about your sister like that? Like, it sounds like you’re almost, I don’t know, “Well, she’s not in very good shape and she’s not doing anything about it.” Like let your sister do what she needs to do in her own time. And the best way to, you don’t even need to encourage her. Make her feel good about herself. You can help her to boost her self esteem by giving her beautiful validation about what a wonderful person she is. Make her feel great, your her sister. There’s surely loads of things about her that are fucking fantastic and wonderful. Help her to develop those things and don’t even like, I mean you could find out about local things that are going on like a pole class or something. But don’t be like, do you want to come to this pole class because I think you need to lose a bit of weight and feel sexier at the same time? Be like, “I really wanted to spend some time with you doing some fun shit. Do you fancy this?” And she probably won’t fancy a pro class at this point because she’s feeling crap about herself and her weight, but you need to gently encourage her to get out there. Maybe ask her to like go to

Jameela And just work on her confidence. It’s like, it’s the inside, not the outside like I yeah, my whole life I believed that I had to be really skinny to find love, and I just became more and more and more anorexic. Not for that purpose, but just because I thought that’s what would be attractive, and that’s what you know, would make me worthy of love and worthy of like, whatever acceptance. And my unhappiest years were when I was in my quote unquote best shape, where I was exercising, like, frantically and starving myself. My estrogen was on the floor. I was diet obsessed, like calorie obsessed. Didn’t have time to think about growing the parts of my personality that would make me enticing or attractive, like I just there was nothing there because my brain was just like a calorie book rather than like any kind of focus anywhere else. And and then when I was at my biggest that I’ve ever been, that was the time when I least expected because of the programing that we have anyone to find me attractive. And it’s when I had some of the best sex of my life and some of the like the happiest times and the most romance and and so it was such an amazing awakening to me to learn that these things are, like us are so arbitrary and so nonsensical. You know, we’ve we’ve talked about it before on the podcast, like The Fuckable Pound, the number that you have in your head of, like, the weight you have to be for when you’re fuckable and it’s all a lie. It’s all about chemistry. I went years with like, at like a model weight without meeting anyone I was compatible with, or even having the energy or urge or desire to to eat anything, never mind a dick or a pussy. Like I just, I was, I was on an all around starvation diet. And so I really want like that to be also like the narrative that we push at people. It’s just like, you have never, you never know and you have no idea. And it is so much less, I’m not saying it’s not at all about the way that we present ourselves in the world, but it is not about your size. Nothing guarantees you meeting someone you have a connection with, and nothing gets in the way of a true connection when you find it. Just encourage her to get out there.

Lala Absolutely. Yeah, and follow some accounts of some big, beautiful women of all shapes and sizes who are in healthy, loving relationships with themselves. Maybe single women who just feel great and who are having great sex. There’s loads of great accounts of just hot women. Follow them and feel like and they’re hot because not because they they are models or they look, you know, particularly wonderful. They’re hot because they believe that they are hot and and by virtue of that they glow and they they love themselves. And that is a point that is really hard to get to. And I that changes for me throughout the month, like when I am ovulating, I think I am spectacular buffting. Nothing can touch me. I walk out into the world with just the most confidence. I would get my tits out for anyone. Literally a week later, when I go into the luteal phase, I look exactly the same, but I am disgusting as far as I’m concerned. I am ugly. Do not look at me. My tits are on the floor. Why are my nipples scraping against my belly button? Why do I look so old? You know, I look exactly the same. It is all in my mind and

Jameela It’s all subjective.

Lala And it’s so dictated, yeah, by hormones and how I’m feeling. But I think the best thing for your sister is to to really work on her confidence. And I think the only way for her to do that is by having a sister like you who is supporting her to feel like a spectacular buffting, not not making her feel like she needs to change.

Jameela Yeah, I think, I think her sister’s heart is in the right place. I can I can see the logic where she’s like, “Well, if you’re saying you’re going to start dating when you do this thing, but you’re not making an effort to do that thing, then what do I do?” I can see the logic of it. I just think ultimately then we’re still placing importance on this arbitrary thing that I can tell you from experience makes very little difference, having been all the different sizes.

Lala And it’s probably bigger than that, isn’t it? It’s probably bigger than that.

Jameela Yeah.

Lala It’s, there’s something more than that because if she’s saying, “Oh, I’m not going to date until I’ve lost weight,” and then is not doing anything about losing the weigh, it’s, there’s more. There’s fear, she’s she’s frightened and and, and and maybe that fear is rejection or abandonment and maybe that rejection, fear of rejection is not even anything to do with her weight or, you know.

Jameela But what the sister does mention, I think her big concern is that then the sister’s like letting it go longer and longer, longer and not developing the skill set or the confidence that comes with trying out dating. I can I can see the heart in the message, and I don’t want this person to feel like demonized for having sent this message. I can see where you’re coming from. I just think that, that you’re you’re close. You’re warm, you’re close to the thing that will help your sister, and it just needs a little bit of a tweak. And I do understand, like, you know, I remember like, cause I hadn’t lost my virginity til I was, like, 22, 23, and it was like I was just avoidant. I hadn’t kissed anyone till I was 21. And it was just becoming something that I was now actively avoiding because it was getting longer and longer and longer. And so I see the fear. I think it comes from a really good place. It’s just, we’re all having to unpack the fucking narrative of, you know, society for women, so thanks for writing in. And I think it was solid advice.

Lala No, I think you’re right. And it is nice that her sister is concerned. Just don’t push her.

Jameela Yeah, yeah, not in that direction because it doesn’t, it doesn’t change anything. “What advice would you give to someone who’s recently become sober and has lost their libido because they’ve always relied on drugs and alcohol to feel sexy and worthy? I feel like a newborn baby in this department and I’m petrified.” Oh bless.

Lala Um, I think this is an exciting time, though because you’ve got a whole new loud of shit to discover, and I think that’s a good thing to reframe that rather than feeling like, “Oh, this is all new, I’ve never done it,” like, this is all new, and I’ve never tried what I’m about to try, which is sober sex, which is going to be amazing. And there is something in it, if you’re somebody who’s always relied on being high or drunk to have sex, and that is the way that you get out of your head because obviously being out of your head is a really great way to achieve orgasm. If you’re in your head and you’re worrying about what you look like and what’s going on around you, and whether you’ve actually remembered to pay your council tax bill and all of that kind of stuff, then you’re not having that as, you know, that wonderful, heady sex. So, so often people rely on drugs or alcohol to A) get the confidence to be like, “Oh, I can do whatever because I can also blame it on being high or drunk,” but also it takes you out of out of your head. And I think it can be a lot to adjust to that. I think you need to reframe it as something exciting. I think you need to use tools like adult sex education platforms. Beducated is an amazing one that I use all the time, which is just a really great platform for re learning and rethinking about sex. Like, I think a lot of people feel like it’s a really stupid thing to do, like, I’m a grown up. I’ve fucked my whole life. Why would I go into a platform to learn about how to finger or how to talk dirty or whatever? But it’s more than that. There are so many courses on there that just help you to think about self esteem and think about confidence and rethink sex. You know, especially as a heterosexual woman, a lot of the sex we’ve been having, I mean, when I watch the anal course on there, I was just like, “Fucking hell. How many men are actually doing this like this in this proper way?” You know, so I think actually going and just relearning sex completely and getting the confidence from some Beducated or there’s plenty of other platforms. I’m not sure what the other names are, but try something like that before you get into your next sexual experience so that you have that confidence and you’re not panicking about not being high or you’re drunk.

Jameela 100%. I’ve not, I’ve never, been not sober when I’ve had sex because I’ve been teetotal my whole life until probably like a few years ago. And even then, I’ve never, like of anything, I think I’ve gone, like, high a few times, but not during sex. And so I will definitely attest to the idea that, like, it’s quite intense, you know, like being that intimate when you are, like, completely self-aware and aware of everything. But it also like there is such a beauty to it, I find, and I can say this, you know, like from a very biased position of I’ve never tried the alternative and I’m sure it’s wonderful, but it also has led to me not having a lot of bad sex in my life because I’m so hyper aware that I know very quickly if there’s a connection, and I know that that connection is real or not, just not there because there’s no, there’s no kind of like a social lubricant there. Do you know what I mean? There’s nothing like masking whether or not this is real, whether or not there’s something good. And that means I’m able to pay attention. And then when it’s really good, I know it’s because it was really fucking good and not because we were off our heads. And so that’s not to cast judgment at all on inebriated sex, but it is just to say to this person, as you’re saying, reframing it as exciting. I am personally glad that all the sex, even the first time sex, which is, you know, something that is a very self conscious experience. I’m so glad that all the sex I’ve had has been sober because it has, it’s just given me so much information. And then when it’s fucking amazing and you’re still able to like, lose your mind during it and like kind of travel to another space, to know that that’s 100% organic is just the most bonding and crazy feeling. And there’s such a vulnerability to it.

Lala I think you really hit on something there as well, that this person will probably make much better choices because often times when you are having sex because, or when you are drunk or high, you can end up getting with people just because you want to carry on the party just because you you don’t want to be alone drinking or smoking or whatever it is that you’re doing. You can end up making relationship choices based on your inebriation and sex choices. So I think it’s it’s it’s exciting all round because this is going to be a whole new, I’m assuming they’re not in a relationship, but like whole new choice of partners, whole new style of sex, whole new ways to explore things. I would be really excited, but like get your confidence.

Jameela Yeah, I’m almost like write to us again in six months, like, we should do another episode together, and I want to hear how it’s going.

Lala Yeah.

Jameela We’re both excited for you. Okay, so another one. “I am postpartum,” and this one’s very relatable. And a lot of my friends are going through the same thing. “I am postpartum, and I found that I am not into some of the same things I used to be sexually, which has been confusing not only for me, but also my partner. Wondering if this is permanent or temporary. Some things I used to like, for example certain positions or biting do not feel pleasurable or even neutral, like maybe I’m okay with them sometimes. My partner has been so supportive and does not pressure me. I am the one who feels pressure from within and often confusion or frustration towards my changing body despite all the healing work I’ve done in the past few years. Do you have any suggestions?” That’s a difficult one.

Lala Just give yourself a little break and just don’t. Well, you don’t have to be a sexual being right now. Like, if she’s I don’t know how long postpartum, but your body is so, oh, it’s such a strange feeling, like it took me at least, I don’t know, maybe even 18 months. I mean, I don’t know if she’s still breastfeeding. If you’re still breastfeeding, I think it can be really difficult to feel sexy and sexual. And there was always this really weird thing for me of like, after I stopped breastfeeding my son when he was about nine months, and then the next time that, like, someone sucked on my nipples, I was like, “Ah, ah!”

Jameela I thought you were going to say that.

Lala Not right. Like looking down and seeing a head with hair on it rather than a little bald head was like, “No!” like ugh. And it can take a long time to not feel like a vessel, you know, like a vessel that has just given birth and everything just feels different. And that’s okay. Like, I feel like it’s all right. Just go, “I don’t need to be a sexual being unless I really want to, but it sounds like you don’t want to right now. Like, maybe you want to cause you feel like you should.

Jameela Or at least not in those ways, right?

Lala Yeah, well, it sounds like she wants to because maybe she feels like she should. And maybe she needs to just like, you know, ease herself back into, first of all, you’ve got a supportive husband, and you don’t need to have sex with him in any way, shape or form in order to keep him. And if you feel that you do, then maybe he’s not the supportive husband that you think he is, and maybe you need to have that conversation and communicate how you feel and why. It’s going to take you a little while to feel ready again, and to feel like your body is a sexy thing, rather than someone’s mom.

Jameela Yeah.

Lala Maybe easing yourself in with masturbation and self-pleasure and, like, loving your new body because it does feel like a new body and it is a new body. It’s done crazy new things.

Jameela Yeah.

Lala And and love it and touch it and and experience it and explore yourself again when you’re ready. And then ease back into sex with your husband when your head is back to it. And it can take a while, but if you’ve still got a kid chomping on your nipples daily, it’s very hard to feel sexy.

Jameela Totally. Also, I would just say that like, again, you know, when you were talking about reframing with the last one, there is potentially when you are ready to be sexual, like from an organic place, not a place of, you know, feeling guilty, that maybe you’re going to be into new stuff now. Or maybe that’s fun and that’s exciting, and you can learn new stuff that you both find pleasurable, you know, in the maybe the old routine’s out for a while or forever. And like maybe it’s time to shake it up and, you know, find new forms of pleasure, new zones of pleasure. I think that’s something that can be exciting for you and your partner to do together. I agree that you should communicate your anxieties around this, and sometimes even just communicating that anxiety of the pressure can make the pressure go away. Just saying it out loud because of the ways we paint, especially I feel like women, just ping pong our own anxieties around our head and just grows and grows and grows, and we feel so responsible for everything and everyone’s needs. And it’s like fucking hell, you’re already responsible for this little person. That’s already so much. So just give yourself a break, communicate, and then look at this as like, maybe this is going to be over sexy. It be a bit of a sexy adventure for the two of you. People change over time, even if it isn’t because of a baby. People, like people, find new things that they become curious about or things that they felt ashamed about before that now they’re suddenly kind of into or they’ve seen something that they’re like, I would like to try that. That’s okay. Nothing has to stay the same, like these relationships are transient. Sex is transient, pleasure is transient.

Lala Absolutely.

Jameela And so I think it could be fun.

Lala And she’s probably exhausted.

Jameela Oh my God, so tired. And your estrogen is all over the fucking place.

Lala Yeah, so like it really, give yourself a break. And if you know, if you would rather use your spare time sleeping than having sex, that’s okay. That’s allowed. That’s normal. You don’t have to be a sexy MILF right now.

Jameela 100%. Amazing. Thank you for that. So last one, this is a good sort of dating one. “I’ve been dating someone new and really like him. We’ve started to become more intimate, and I want to make sure that we’re both on the same page about expectations and boundaries. I’ve read about the importance of communication in a healthy sexual relationship, but I find it a bit challenging to start this conversation. How can I initiate a talk about sexual boundaries and expectations without making it awkward or feeling too forward? I want to ensure that we both feel comfortable and respected in our relationship.” Can I just say, the people writing into this podcast are largely just so emotionally like sound and intelligent. It’s just great. These are wonderful questions. Sorry, go on.

Lala It’s lovely. No, I love that people are thinking about this stuff.

Jameela Yeah.

Lala But actually, don’t overthink it. You know, this is exactly one of those ones where, and I totally get what they’re saying, that it was a woman dating a guy, is that what she said?

Jameela I’m not sure I know that the, “I’ve been dating someone new, and I really like him.” So they’re dating a man, so we’ll, I mean, it’s we don’t need a way. Yeah.

Lala So, so

Jameela I can’t but think that the duty of care means this is someone who’s been socialized as a woman like

Lala Possibly, possibly.

Jameela Yeah, but go on.

Lala I do understand that thing of feeling like I don’t want to be, like, “Right. I don’t like anal. I don’t like being spat on. I don’t, but I do like this. And you can do that,” you know, and it doesn’t, the conversation doesn’t have to be like that. The conversation can be much more natural. And actually, if you are, you know, wanting to get intimate someone and and developing an intimate relationship, it’s a great conversation to have before you’ve had sex, like, what do you like and what don’t you like? You know what, what, what are you into? What are you not into? What turns you on? What turns you off? Like, have that conversation and and that’s how you can set your boundaries, you know, if they sort of say, “Oh, I really like this.” You could say, “Oh, I’m not into that at all. That’s not something that I’d like to try.” Or, you could say, “I’ve never tried that. I might try that, but I’m not entirely sure.” You know, you can communicate. Have those conversations.

Jameela Yeah. I’ve said on this podcast before that, like, I remember when I was making this documentary about porn years ago for, I think for, like, the radio or something. And, I was speaking to the sex educator who was telling me that, you know, the BDSM community is extraordinary when it comes to this sort of, like, pillar of consent. Obviously, no community is perfect, and I’m sure that there are problems within any sexual community, But the fact is, is that they have completely de-stigmatized like the way that you tell someone what you like and what you don’t like. And so often before even meeting up on a dating app, people will send each other their sort of like sexy list of like, I really like doing this. I really like doing that. This is less for me, but I’d be willing to try it. And there’s a way of doing that in a way that doesn’t feel like you’re giving someone an instruction manual. You’re just saying, like, this is my sexy secret list, and I’m showing it to you, and if you like the things on it, then let’s try them together. And if not, that’s so fine. And it was so nice to meet you, and I hope you find someone who’s compatible with your list. Like there’s a way of doing that. And I, it really changed the way that I looked at the BDSM community because I kind of like, felt like it was all very intimidating and, and and scary and, and and overly pushing of boundaries. But actually it’s the most respectful of boundaries. It’s kind of fucking crazy that we go into something as intimate as sex, not knowing each other’s histories. And it’s just like, “Don’t talk about it. Just stick it in and wish for the best.”

Lala Yeah.

Jameela So I think there’s a way to do it that’s playful.

Lala Oh, absolutely. And I always feel like, you know, it’s it’s it’s so strange that we can feel ready to allow someone inside our bodies physically, but but fear letting them inside our minds and, and I and I feel like we probably shouldn’t be fucking people who, or allowing, I don’t want someone in my vagina who I don’t want, who I don’t feel comfortable knowing what’s in my head, you know?

Jameela Yeah.

Lala I feel like the two have to line up, and I feel like, I feel like it’s, of course, unless you’re having casual and a one night stand and whatever, and that’s what you’re up for, but if you are developing relationships with people, I feel like the two go hand in hand. I have to be able to communicate with you before I’m going to allow your penis anywhere near me. And that does happen in a kind of like, that can happen in a really nice, flirty way, like just what do you like? What don’t you like? What turns you on? Does this turn you on? That doesn’t turn me on. Don’t, it doesn’t have to be a formal conversation unless you have really, you know, something that is an absolute no no. And you really feel it’s important to be like, “By the way, I really freak out if somebody,” I don’t know what, could be anything, kisses my neck or whatever, and it would, “It’s really important to me that that that you don’t do that,” you know? But otherwise make it fun, make it flirtatious, make it like part of the lead up to sex. As you say, like BDSM when they are talking about consent, it’s not necessarily, “Right. Let’s write this down. This is a formal thing.” It’s sexy. It’s, “This is what I’m open to. Let’s do it.”

Jameela Yeah.

Lala Yeah. Talk. Communicate.

Jameela I love that. Thank you so much for your advice today. I think it’s just felt very relatable and sound. And I would love to know, given that we are still kind of like still tiptoeing into the year and people, you know, are getting into the, you know, I don’t know, dating resolutions, etc., is there a sort of big thing that you want people to look out for as they are, you know, rebuilding their confidence in the dating world?

Lala I say this genuinely not because I’m, I’m here trying to be like, “Yo buy my book,” but I wrote my book specifically, it’s old now, it came out in 20- not old, but came out in 2022. But I wrote that book really for people like me who went onto the dating scene totally naively after a very long term relationship. I entered the dating scene, went on to dating apps like an absolute idiot, fanny first, like heart on my sleeve, “love me, love me.” And I made a ton of mistakes. And my book is really a mix of my professional knowledge, but also my my knowledge that I’ve gained from making all the mistakes that I want people not to make, so that is always my best advice to people. If you are heading out into the dating scene, my book will help you. It’s called “Block, Delete, Move On.” And I really want people, I think it helps to keep people safer in this crazy dating world.

Jameela Yeah, 100%. Well, you’ve heard it from Lala. Thank you so much for coming on today, and I really hope you come back. This was fantastic.

Lala Thank you for having me. I’m really honored. You’re lovely.

Jameela Likewise. Thank you so much for listening to this week’s episode. I Weigh with Jameela Jamil is produced and researched by myself, Jameela Jamil, Erin Finnegan, Kimmie Gregory, and Amelia Chapellow. And the beautiful music that you are hearing now is made by my boyfriend, James Blake. And if you haven’t already, please rate, review, and subscribe to the show. It’s such a great way to show your support and helps me out massively. And lastly, at I Weigh we would love to hear from you and share what you weigh at the end of this podcast. Please email us a voice recording sharing what you weigh at iweighpodcast@gmail.com.