EP. 193 — Best Friends Presents: Best Friends With Meatball

Nicole [00:00:02] We are rereleasing for the first time onto the free feed this episode of our premium series, Best Friends’ Friends with Meatball. This was the first time Sasheer met Meatball. It’s really fun, and Meatball’s stories of throwing people out of clubs never grow old. Okay, bye-bye.

Nicole, Sasheer, & Meatball [00:00:16] Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.

Sasheer [00:00:43] Happy New Year.

Nicole [00:00:49] Okay. Wow. Hello, Sasheer.

Sasheer [00:00:51] Hi, Nicole.

Nicole [00:00:53] It’s another epis–

Sasheer [00:00:56] What happened? Did you fall asleep?

Nicole [00:01:00] I started talking. And then you started talking. So, I was going to let you talk. But I was just gonna introduce our podcast.

Sasheer [00:01:09] Yeah, I think you should.

Nicole [00:01:11] This is an episode of Best Friends’ Friends.

Sasheer [00:01:15] It’s like a bonus episode with one of our friends.

Nicole [00:01:19] Yes. Let’s introduce our guest today. Our friend co-hosted the podcast with Big Dipper called Sloppy Seconds. Also, a very funny drag queen who performs all around Los Angeles. My favorite drag queen, Meatball.

Meatball [00:01:40] Do you guys know Wicked?

Sasheer [00:01:41] I haven’t seen it yet.

Nicole [00:01:44] I’ve seen it.

Sasheer [00:01:46] I know some stuff about it. I know there’s a green witch, and she feels ostracized for being green, right? Not easy being green. And then there’s a good witch, but she’s, like, not that good. Is that a thing?

Meatball [00:02:06] Yeah. You know what? You’ve seen Wicked, basically. You get it.

Nicole [00:02:09] Yeah, that’s essentially Wicked.

Sasheer [00:02:11] Yeah. And then someone’s defying gravity.

Nicole [00:02:12] Yes!

Meatball [00:02:16] Defying Gravity. That’s the only good part about the whole thing.

Nicole [00:02:19] Idina Menzel–she gets up in the air and she’s screaming, “Defying gravity!” That’s not how that song goes.

Meatball [00:02:29] That’s almost exactly like it. All I know is that she just screams. She just goes, “Ahhhhh!” And that’s all I care about. And I do that just around the house, just walking around. My boyfriend hates it.

Nicole [00:02:41] I also walk around the house screaming. I scream, “Living spaces!”

Meatball [00:02:48] But you do it so much that you don’t realize that you’ve been doing it.

Nicole [00:02:52] Yes. My roommate, John Milhiser–his boyfriend was like, “Did you hear me come up the stairs because I came upstairs and all I heard was ‘Living spaces!’” I was just, like, alone in my room, singing, “Living spaces!” I love it. It’s the best jingle ever to have appeared on television.

Sasheer [00:03:15] My man’s also been losing it during this quarantine and just fully screaming nonsense. Not even songs. Like, it’s just coming out in spurts. And I’m like, “Are you okay?” I don’t think he is, though.

Nicole [00:03:31] I was supposed to go visit Meatball yesterday, but I started cleaning. And then I got too into cleaning. And then I had a little bit of a headache. This whole quarantine is bad.

Meatball [00:03:42] Oh, it’s no good. I got into, like, a cleaning thing where even my boyfriend cannot come into a room while I’m cleaning because I’m like, “I don’t need a distraction. I am doing this.” The whole house is spotless now.

Sasheer [00:03:55] Oh, nice!

Nicole [00:03:57] My house is pretty clean.

Meatball [00:03:58] But I still don’t feel better about myself.

Nicole [00:04:00] I don’t feel better either! I ordered a new comforter, new pillows, new shams for the pillows. Did you know that a pillowcase is called “sham” when it’s decorative?

Sasheer [00:04:14] Wow.

Meatball [00:04:16] But isn’t a sham, like, a bad thing? Like, “That whole thing is a sham.”

Sasheer [00:04:19] Oh, like a fake. Oh, interesting.

Nicole [00:04:22] Sham has two meanings. Oh, it’s a fake pillow. You’re not supposed to sleep on it.

Sasheer [00:04:25] Oh.

Meatball [00:04:30] We got to the bottom of that one, diva.

Sasheer [00:04:32] Can’t get nothing past us.

Nicole [00:04:37] And we all got so excited about it.

Meatball [00:04:40] That’s how bad this quarantine is.

Sasheer [00:04:43] Yeah.

Nicole [00:04:44] I think I said this last week or on another episode. Someone stole my recycling bin, and I was so excited for a thing to do. I was like, “Now I get to contact someone? Talk to someone new?” So, I talked to Johnathan down at LA Sanitation, and he hooked me right up. I said, “Thank you, Jonathan.” He was like, “No problem.” And I was like, “Okay, thank you again.” And then he didn’t respond.

Sasheer [00:05:11] Yeah. He’s like, “We’re done.”

Nicole [00:05:13] Well, I was hoping maybe it’d be, like, a meet cute. Girl loses recycling bin and then finds a man.

Sasheer [00:05:19] Jonathan’s not going to look for your trash. Jonathan’s at home, taking calls and trying to go to sleep.

Nicole [00:05:28] But, like, what if maybe we start looking for my trash can together?

Meatball [00:05:32] Six feet apart.

Sasheer [00:05:33] Yeah, it’s gotta be six feet apart.

Nicole [00:05:37] Again, I think I’ve said this, but I dread the day that there’s a movie called Six Feet Apart and it’s about people falling in love via social distancing. And they’re like, “I want to kiss you, but we can’t. The virus!”

Sasheer [00:05:49] I actually think there’s a movie called Five Feet Apart.

Nicole [00:05:52] Yeah, that’s about cancer kids.

Sasheer [00:05:54] Okay.

Meatball [00:05:55] Oh.

Nicole [00:05:56] And they’re, like, star-crossed lovers, but they can’t touch because they have cancer.

Sasheer [00:06:00] Damn. But, yeah, I’m sure there’s going to be a lot of, um, romantic comedies.

Meatball [00:06:06] Oh, yeah. There’s a lot of the screenwriters just bored in their house right now. Very inspired.

Nicole [00:06:13] There’s going to be a whole movie made on Zoom.

Sasheer [00:06:16] Oh no.

Meatball [00:06:17] You heard about the Zoom sex parties?

Nicole [00:06:21] Wait, what?

Meatball [00:06:23] Oh, welcome to the gay world, baby. They said we can’t go out; we’re taking it to the internet. These homos will all sit in a zoom and just, like, host one person up. And there’s, like, one deejay in the corner, spinning music, though it’s supposed to feel like a bathhouse. There’s just like gays in bed in other places, just jerking off together. They’re resourcefully homo.

Nicole [00:06:46] That’s honestly incredible.

Sasheer [00:06:47] Truly that’s very innovative.

Nicole [00:06:50] Truly. I love the deejay set up in his house.

Meatball [00:06:54] Oh, and the thing was, like, you had to… I forgot. I didn’t do it. My friend was telling me about it because I got a man. You had to, like, download a playlist and all start it at the same time.

Sasheer [00:07:11] That’s so funny.

Meatball [00:07:14] Listen, after this, I may never leave the house again.

Nicole [00:07:18] I mean, yeah, everything could come to me. That’s so funny. Everyone had to download the same playlist and press play at the same time. Someone thought about that.

Meatball [00:07:29] Oh, someone put in the hours to make that happen.

Nicole [00:07:33] Oh, I love it.

Meatball [00:07:34] Making the Zoom group, emailing it all out, trying to make it happen. I just tried to do a Zoom drag show the other day and it was not a success. It was so bad because it was just a bunch of people in a room talking over each other. And then it would be like, “Okay, do your performance from your bed, please.” The art of drag does not transform from, like, a stage in a club to a bad.

Nicole [00:08:01] Yeah, I mean, same thing with these standup shows on Zoom. I haven’t done one yet, but it’s like you just perform for your computer and then you’re like, “Thank you. That was my time.”

Sasheer [00:08:12] Yeah, I haven’t done it either. It takes away the point of the performance. You want to be able to connect with the audience. And if everyone’s on mute, they’re just, like, silently clapping their hands. It’s not the same.

Nicole [00:08:27] No. Wait. Meatball, you’re, like, in half drag right now.

Meatball [00:08:43] Oh, yes. I have been filming because I do like to do the digital drag shows because it’s a lot of money for, like, maybe two days of effort. So now that you can’t be out, we’ve been going on to this streaming service called Twitch, which is mostly for video games. But you can, like, prerecord and basically now drag queens are just making shitty music videos and posting them. And then, like, people are Venmoing us money.

Nicole [00:09:11] This is great.

Meatball [00:09:12] The other night, I literally spent maybe five hours shooting a video and got, like, $3,000.

Sasheer [00:09:17] Oh my gosh. That’s great.

Meatball [00:09:19] It goes out, and it, like, is played everywhere. So, I’m like, “Yeah, I’ll fucking do it. I’ll go roll around my neighborhood in drag for some money.” I got bills to pay. I don’t get to travel every weekend anymore.

Sasheer [00:09:32] Yeah. So, is it like you have to pay to even see the video or they see the video and they just give tips?

Meatball [00:09:38] It’s free. It’s, like, a free stream. And if you want to donate $10 to watch it, you can. But, like, our Venmos are at the bottom of the screen while our videos are playing. So, people just tip us directly. And a lot of people still have jobs and, like, money, so a dollar isn’t a thing.

Sasheer [00:09:56] Totally.

Nicole [00:09:57] I wish I had anything like that because comedy truly doesn’t work. Someone told me I should start an OnlyFans for pole dancing, and I was like, “I don’t know.”

Meatball [00:10:11] There’s a stigma to OnlyFans. If there was, like, another service where you could do it and make people pay, and it wasn’t just for porn, that would be great.

Nicole [00:10:21] Oh, maybe I could do a Patreon. But also, Patreon has some rules, and I don’t know if they’ll be like, “Too sexy.” But maybe I’ll just, like, you know, show a titty here and there and get an OnlyFans.

Meatball [00:10:34] Wait, so what have you two been doing to get your comedy out?

Sasheer [00:10:38] Nothing.

Nicole [00:10:41] Yeah, nothing. I haven’t written a joke in a month and a half. No, no, that’s a lie.

Meatball [00:10:44] Do you miss it, or is it nice?

Nicole [00:10:47] At first it was nice. And then maybe a week in, I was like, “Oh my God, this is bad. I really hate this.” But then I started writing some really offensive jokes with Sasheer, and that really got my juices going. So, yeah, I can’t wait to go out in the world and show people what I’ve worked on in quarantine.

Meatball [00:11:10] You come out more offensive.

Nicole [00:11:14] It’s a bunch of, like, slave jokes and 9/11 jokes and…

Sasheer [00:11:23] But no need to credit me. It’s all Nicole.

Nicole [00:11:25] After every joke I’m going to say, “Sasheer Zamata helped me with that slave joke.”

Meatball [00:11:33] Wait, Sasheer. Do you miss doing stand-up or working in any way, or are you just fine chilling at home?

Sasheer [00:11:38] I do love being at home. I love solitude. I love sitting. I’ve got a lot of chairs to sit in. I do like the break. I like being home as opposed to being on the road. But then I really do miss performing. And I think I’m still resistant to the virtual aspect of performance, and that’s why I haven’t done it yet. But I think eventually I might have to figure something out because I have this pent-up energy. I don’t know what to do with it. And I’m just like, “I guess I’ll buy more outdoor furniture to build. Maybe I could paint, too.”

Nicole [00:12:17] Wait, but, like, maybe we can set up a show… No, because we can’t have gatherings of more than, like, you and the people you live with. I was like, what if you, like, got into a cul-de-sac. Everyone is six feet apart.

Sasheer [00:12:31] I mean, if everyone’s on their stoop.

Nicole [00:12:33] Oh, we should contact the drive-in movie theater and see if we can perform standup while people are in their cars.

Sasheer [00:12:40] I love that.

Meatball [00:12:41] That could be good.

Nicole [00:12:43] Right?

Sasheer [00:12:44] That’s great.

Nicole [00:12:48] I saw someone on Instagram… Kimmie-on-the-keys! Kimmie?

Kimmie [00:12:49] Hello.

Nicole [00:12:55] Can you look up drive in movie theaters in LA?

Kimmie [00:12:59] Sure. Let me start. One sec.

Nicole [00:13:01] I think this is a good idea, Sasheer.

Sasheer [00:13:04] Yeah. I think everyone would have to bring their own mic, though.

Nicole [00:13:07] Oh, yeah.

Meatball [00:13:08] Wait. Now, are you getting out of your car to walk up on stage, and then before the next person, you run down?

Nicole [00:13:16] Yes. So, we would have to set up rules… Oh, they’re temporarily closed.

Sasheer [00:13:22] Of course.

Kimmie [00:13:23] I’ve heard of this Electric Dusk Drive-In. But yeah, maybe it’s not open.

Sasheer [00:13:27] That would be really cool.

Nicole [00:13:31] Maybe we can, like, contact them and be like, “Will you open for a show?”

Sasheer [00:13:37] A social distancing show.

Nicole [00:13:38] “A social distancing show, where, like, your staff doesn’t work, but maybe take tips or whatever to, like, help with your rent or whatever. I don’t know. Like, split the door 50/50.” And then the rules are somebody will be hosting from their car.

Sasheer [00:13:56] Yeah, there’s a god mic in someone’s car.

Nicole [00:14:00] Yes. So, it’s BYOM. Everyone has to bring their own mic. And then the host just does time so people can make it from their cars to the stage.

Sasheer [00:14:12] Yeah.

Nicole [00:14:14] I think this is a great idea.

Meatball [00:14:15] I want to see a drag show like that, too.

Nicole [00:14:19] Ooh. Yeah. I’m going to contact this fucking theater today or tomorrow. No, I’ll do it today.

Sasheer [00:14:27] Do it today, girl.

Meatball [00:14:30] Yeah, what else are you doing?

Nicole [00:14:34] Well, I have so much to do. I was watching pole dancing videos until 4 a.m., so I have to try this new move that I think I can do.

Sasheer [00:14:43] Which move?

Nicole [00:14:45] Um, it’s called a Juliet Spin. And Veronica–she taught it to us. But it’s a backwards spin, so it immediately left my brain. But then I was watching this, like, Eastern European lady who was like, “You plant your foot like this. You swing your leg like this.” And I think I get it.

Meatball [00:15:06] That’s all it is sometimes.

Sasheer [00:15:07] You just need someone to scream at you.

Nicole [00:15:09] Yeah. A nice Eastern European lady screaming at me, telling me I’m strong enough.

Meatball [00:15:14] I’ve been trying to learn how to roller skate. Well, I have been learning how to roller skate. And I’ve been watching videos of the lady named Dirty Debbie. And there’s nothing I like more than a middle aged, like, white woman with hair to really teach me how to get around the floor. And she’s doing it.

Nicole [00:15:32] Could you roller skate before you started learning?

Meatball [00:15:36] Kind of, but not great. But I was a roller blader. And it’s a very different feeling.

Nicole [00:15:43] So I bought roller skates and roller blades. I keep trying to peer pressure Sasheer into buying some blades so we can play together on a nice sunny day.

Sasheer [00:15:54] I just don’t realistically think I’ll use them.

Nicole [00:15:58] Yeah, but you’ll use them that one time.

Meatball [00:16:02] And they take returns.

Sasheer [00:16:04] I guess I could return them.

Nicole [00:16:07] You can’t be renting shit that people’s feet– You don’t want Corona from roller skates.

Sasheer [00:16:11] I really don’t want Corona from roller skating.

Nicole [00:16:13] You could get it from a sock. You can get it from a dead body, I just saw last night.

Sasheer [00:16:17] What?

Meatball [00:16:17] What?

Nicole [00:16:18] Yes. You could get it from a fucking dead body.

Meatball [00:16:22] Have you been watching apocaloptic movies though?

Sasheer [00:16:28] Apocalop movies.

Meatball [00:16:31] Apocalop movies. Like Outbreak? I just watched that the other day. Uh-uh. It made going to the grocery store hard.

Nicole [00:16:37] No. Because going into the grocery store is so hard.

Sasheer [00:16:42] Yeah, it’s scary. They got bouncers letting you in one at a time.

Nicole [00:16:47] And then I just saw a picture of people in Ohio, like, banging on the governor’s office, being like, “Open up our economy!” And they were so close together. I don’t know if it’s true or if it’s like a sensationalized picture, but I was like, “People can’t be trusted in public.”

Sasheer [00:17:02] No. They can’t because they don’t understand. They’re just like, “I want money. I want my money back, so please let us out. Let us be free. Let’s go to work.”

Nicole [00:17:12] I think it’s Candace Owens. She’s a Black contributor on Fox News. She was like, “I go to Whole Foods every day. And today they said I couldn’t come in without a mask.” And I was like, “You been going every single day with no mask, just spreading your fucking germs at the hot bar? What’s wrong with you?”

Sasheer [00:17:30] Also, buy enough for the week. You have to go every day?

Meatball [00:17:36] Who wants to go to Whole Foods every day?

Nicole [00:17:40] I mean, have you had their mac and cheese? Have you had it? It’s so good.

Meatball [00:17:50] Is it the baked kind, or is it, like…?

Nicole [00:17:51] It’s baked macaroni and cheese, and it’s better than some–dare I say–Black people’s.

Sasheer [00:17:58] Wow.

Meatball [00:18:00] Wow. One of her new racist jokes.

Sasheer [00:18:05] It, like, doesn’t really make sense? Who’s she offending?

Meatball [00:18:10] Nobody.

Nicole [00:18:14] Yep, that’s my new racist opening. It’s all about mac and cheese.

Sasheer [00:18:21] Are you trying to work out or anything during the quarantine by skating, Meatball?

Meatball [00:18:27] No, it’s not a workout. I mean, if I’m getting one by accident, that’s great. But I have, like, not looked at a scale. I don’t care what I’m eating. I’ve given up on caring. I, like, don’t have to worry about corseting or fitting in the costumes right now because, like, all you can see is waist up. Unless I’m, like, making it a point. So, then I’m like, “They gotta have spandex. Like, I don’t care.” Have you been watching what you eat? Do you care?

Sasheer [00:18:54] No, I don’t care. I’ve been doing these stretch classes with Nicole. Our pole instructor has been doing Zoom classes. And honestly, that might be the only way I can work out because I have access to, like, online workout videos. But I’m not motivated to do it.

Nicole [00:19:16] You don’t know those people!

Sasheer [00:19:16] I don’t know those people. Why are you in my living room? Who are you? But our instructor is a real person I know. And she’s like, “At this time I’m going online and doing this class.” And I could be like, “Oh, then I will, too.” It just feels, like, more real. I don’t know. There’s a responsibility. There’s someone who’s, like, going to do it for me. So that feels good.

Nicole [00:19:38] And she cares about us.

Sasheer [00:19:40] She cares. She knows who we are. She knows our bodies.

Nicole [00:19:43] I do do yoga with this woman named Adrian. She’s a white lady who, like, giggles at herself when she makes a mistake. And she’s always telling me to, like, get in the zone with my body and, like, feel my body. I like Adrian.

Sasheer [00:19:56] Oh, good.

Nicole [00:19:58] Thank you. Thank you for finding some nice white ladies on the internet to help me out.

Meatball [00:20:03] They’re the best.

Sasheer [00:20:05] Yeah.

Meatball [00:20:06] I’ve just been watching a bunch of cooking videos. Like, I’ve been trying to, like, learn to cook. So, I just started making my own sourdough starter, which is a very disgusting process.

Sasheer [00:20:19] How? I never tried.

Meatball [00:20:20] It’s just, like, flour and whole wheat, but it starts bubbling and fermenting on its own. It’s just two things, then it starts growing, and you’re like, “Why have I been eating that? It has this many germs that it can just grow on its own in my kitchen.”

Sasheer [00:20:36] That’s a good question. How long does it take?

Meatball [00:20:40] Just, like, four or five days. And then you can, like, bake a loaf.

Nicole [00:20:45] Really?

Meatball [00:20:48] Yeah. Well, it’s because the stores were out of yeast, and I was looking to make some fucking bread.

Sasheer [00:20:52] Everyone’s making bread.

Nicole [00:20:54] Yeah. Everyone is making bread.

Meatball [00:20:57] It’s truly the only thing to be doing. If you’re not making bread, are you even quarantining? I mean, what’s happening?

Nicole [00:21:05] I guess I’m not quarantining right. I got to make some bread. I keep just ordering delivery and risking my life to get some alcohol.

Meatball [00:21:14] Risking your life? In what way?

Nicole [00:21:16] They might sneeze on me.

Meatball [00:21:20] Wait, but when you order food–here’s my question because I’ve been afraid to order food–are you just taking it out of the package, dumping it onto a plate, then throwing the package out, and immediately washing your hands?

Nicole [00:21:30] Yes.

Meatball [00:21:32] That just seems like so much extra stress.

Nicole [00:21:34] It is extra stress, but, like, I have been eating crunchy noodles because I can’t figure out how to cook pasta. So, I was like, “I have to eat good.” So, I’ve been ordering out. It’s hard to cook! I can’t do it!

Meatball [00:21:52] Okay!

Nicole [00:21:56] It’s too hot.

Meatball [00:21:58] It is too fucking hot.

Sasheer [00:22:01] Oh, yeah. It’s really hot today. But it’s a nice break from the rain.

Nicole [00:22:05] It is. I don’t like the rain… What is that song? “The rain falls down and in my soul.”

Meatball [00:22:17] “Let the rain fall down and wipe my–” Hilary Duff.

Sasheer [00:22:18] Yeah.

Nicole [00:22:20] Yes. The first day of the rain, I was, like, all about that song. And then I was like, “Okay, the sun needs to come out. I’m done. ”

Sasheer [00:22:27] And then you’re like, “I can’t stand the rain!”

Nicole [00:22:34] Yes. That’s exactly how I was. First, I was Hilary Duff, and then I morphed into Missy Elliott.

Sasheer [00:22:40] Yeah. Yeah.

Meatball [00:22:54] Are you going to be doing any more drag shows in your living room? That was a hit.

Nicole [00:23:01] It was a hit. The people liked it, and they did not like that Miss Stakes won. My roommate, John Milhiser–his drag name is Miss Stakes. But I don’t know. Maybe we’ll do another. We haven’t gotten bored enough. I don’t know. Also, it took work. I had to, like, learn a snippet of a song that I’d never heard before.

Sasheer [00:23:27] But did you?

Nicole [00:23:29] What do you mean?

Sasheer [00:23:31] I was reading your lips, and it didn’t look like you knew any of the song at all.

Nicole [00:23:38] Well, I clapped early at that part.

Sasheer [00:23:43] I’m not talking about the clap. I’m talking about the words.

Nicole [00:23:46] Yeah, he synced it to the clap. So, all my audio is slightly off.

Sasheer [00:23:51] Oh, okay.

Nicole [00:23:54] So whatever. Also, it was hard. And I knew some of the words, and I didn’t know a lot of the words.

Meatball [00:24:05] That song just came out. And, you know, I’ll say I listened to it once and I didn’t know a lot of the words either.

Nicole [00:24:10] It’s hard.

Meatball [00:24:12] Yeah, ’cause they don’t go with the song.

Nicole [00:24:15] They don’t. And then when you read the lyrics, you’re like, “That’s not what I heard.”

Sasheer [00:24:21] It was Dua Lipa’s… Which one?

Meatball [00:24:25] Physical.

Sasheer [00:24:25] Oh, yeah.

Nicole [00:24:26] Yes.

Sasheer [00:24:27] That’s a fun song.

Meatball [00:24:28] It’s a bop!

Nicole [00:24:29] Maybe I didn’t fucking know the words. I think that’s what I’m getting at. I didn’t fucking know no words.

Meatball [00:24:34] Listen, I came to the defense. I tried to help. But if you’re just going to admit it.

Sasheer [00:24:39] It’s okay.

Nicole [00:24:40] Thank you.

Sasheer [00:24:40] Yeah. You sold it. Just move your lips up and down.

Meatball [00:24:51] You can do some of these.

Sasheer [00:24:51] Oh, yeah.

Nicole [00:24:51] Oh, that’s good!

Meatball [00:24:58] If it’s a long part, take someone else’s drink. Well, not anymore.

Nicole [00:25:03] Yeah. Not anymore.

Sasheer [00:25:05] Oh, yeah.

Nicole [00:25:05] Dang.

Meatball [00:25:06] What do you guys miss most? I know, like, everyone’s tired of hearing about it, but what’s the one thing that you wish you could do the most?

Nicole [00:25:15] Besides shows, I really miss restaurants and bars.

Sasheer [00:25:22] I just want people to see my outfits. I just want people to see me look good.

Meatball [00:25:28] Have you been, like, trying to turn looks at home just to feel better?

Sasheer [00:25:31] Yeah, I’ve been buying stuff. And then I’m like, “Well, this is a nice outfit.” And then–I don’t know–someone might see it next year. I don’t know when people are going to see it. I guess I could just take a picture of it, put it online, like, “Do you like this dress?”

Meatball [00:25:47] You could do that thing that influencers do with their, like, outfit of the day.

Sasheer [00:25:50] Yeah. I could.

Nicole [00:25:54] And did you know influencers–sometimes they abbreviate it to “OOT.” I never knew what that meant.

Meatball [00:26:06] “OOTD?”

Nicole [00:26:07] Oh, I forgot the “D.”

Sasheer [00:26:09] I was like, “I didn’t do that right.”

Nicole [00:26:19] Oh my God, guys. I’m fully stupid. I just realized Star Wars happens in the past and not the future. Everything is so hard.

Meatball [00:26:29] What?

Sasheer [00:26:32] Is that true?

Nicole [00:26:34] Oh, you guys didn’t know either?

Sasheer [00:26:36] No.

Meatball [00:26:38] I thought it was the future.

Nicole [00:26:39] No. So, the beginning of every movie–someone screenshotted it for me and sent it to me–the crawl says fucking, “Long ago, in a galaxy far away.”

Meatball [00:26:53] Oh.

Sasheer [00:26:54] But I’ve also heard that argument. But we don’t know when we, the audience, are supposed to be watching this. Like maybe this was meant for the audience of the future.

Nicole [00:27:10] Hmm.

Sasheer [00:27:12] You know?

Meatball [00:27:15] How literal is Star Wars?

Sasheer [00:27:18] From the Bible.

Nicole [00:27:21] I don’t know. Now I’m even more confused.

Sasheer [00:27:25] I mean, I guess–yeah–it does say, “Long ago.”

Nicole [00:27:26] Okay.

Meatball [00:27:32] I’m sorry. I wish I could help. I wish I cared about space movies.

Nicole [00:27:37] It’s okay. You can’t help me. Nobody can help me. I’m just a stupid bitch.

Sasheer [00:27:45] Nicole, what’s going on? You keep calling yourself stupid.

Meatball [00:27:48] Yeah. You having a bad day?

Nicole [00:27:50] I need to leave my house and do more than just a walk. I’ve been walking, and I need to leave. I did wake up on the wrong side of the bed today. John was like, “Sasheer texted me asking where you were. Your friend, Nick, Facebook messaged me, asking me where you were. I think you got a delivery, but the package isn’t there. Who was it?” And I was like, “Just let me sleep!” There was too much happening today.

Meatball [00:28:23] I will say a very similar feeling is that now that this is all happening, I’m in, like, seven or eight fucking Facebook group messages. So, it’s just constantly going off. And so now I just don’t check my messages at all. I don’t answer texts. I barely read emails. Like, I’m so tired of speaking to the outside world.

Nicole [00:28:44] Same! I think I’m tired of speaking to the outside world because I can’t be with them. So, I’m like, “Don’t email me. We’re never going to talk again in person! We’re going to be stuck in our homes for years to come. Stop texting me!”

Sasheer [00:28:58] But then you’ll be really alone. You’ll have no contact at all.

Nicole [00:29:03] I know. I think yesterday I just needed it.

Sasheer [00:29:08] Yeah.

Nicole [00:29:10] ‘Cause when I’d be on the road, I would have days–like a Saturday–where I’d get no texts, no emails, and I’d be like, “Mmm. Yay. I’m alone.” And I don’t have that now because everyone’s like, “We need to keep in contact!” Do we?

Sasheer [00:29:28] Well yeah, I think a lot of people never have that alone time. They’re always either at work or at home, where they have, like, families to take care of or whatever. And so having to be home now, they’re like, “Gaaah! How do I contact people every day?” And I love not contacting people. I love not having to talk to anybody. And so, I’m thriving right now. But a lot of people are having issues adjusting to that, so they don’t know what to do and they overcompensate by finding more things to talk about… Or connecting, and they’re like, “I haven’t talked to you in 32 years. Do you want to Skype? Do you want to FaceTime tomorrow?”

Nicole [00:30:09] I mean that recently happened to me. Someone I haven’t spoken to in almost a decade was like, “Do you want to FaceTime?” And I was like, “What? No.” She’s like, “You wanna talk to my kid?” And I was like, “No.” I had a routine. It was a chaotic routine, but a routine–and it’s been disrupted. “This is really inconvenient for me!” is what I said to my therapist last week.

Meatball [00:30:35] Well, I was thinking about it because I know I keep, like, wanting to order things that are, like, so non-essential. I’m out of, like, certain makeup. And, like, to me, it’s essential. But, like, to anybody else–or, like, an Amazon worker–they’d be like, “Who the fuck cares about this tiny pot of eyeline?”

Nicole [00:30:53] Yeah, but if you order it, you’re keeping part of our economy afloat… But also putting people in danger.

Meatball [00:30:59] But I’m also keeping people working who probably shouldn’t be working for fucking eyeliner.

Nicole [00:31:04] Yeah. Yes, you’re correct. Maybe look up brands that are giving hazard pay and protecting their workers.

Meatball [00:31:13] Good idea.

Sasheer [00:31:14] Yeah. I got some clothes from Aritzia because all their money’s going straight to their employees. And I was like, “Alright, Aritzia. You’ll get my money.”

Nicole [00:31:23] What is “Aritzia?”

Sasheer [00:31:25] It’s a clothing store. I actually sent you a link because they have that, like, leopard cowl.

Nicole [00:31:30] Yes, yes, yes. Oh, is this the place with the weird font?

Sasheer [00:31:35] Yes, it is. It has really goofy font.

Nicole [00:31:38] Can I tell you guys something? Last night I got so crazy and a little too stoned, and I bought two pairs of Sketchers. And I might buy a third.

Sasheer [00:31:49] Girl, you’re going insane.

Nicole [00:31:51] Kind of. Let me show you the Sketchers that I bought.

Meatball [00:31:54] First, the Crocs. Now, the Sketchers. Are they the Shape Ups? Are they the round bottom ones?

Nicole [00:32:00] No, they are… Hold on, I’ll show you.

Sasheer [00:32:04] I feel like… Maybe it wasn’t Skechers. I think Skechers also used to have the shoe that had the little dip in the middle where you can skateboard with it. Do you know what I’m talking about?

Nicole [00:32:15] No, sorry. Those are Wheelies.

Meatball [00:32:17] Heelys.

Nicole [00:32:17] Oh, Heelys.

Sasheer [00:32:17] No, no, no, no. I’m not talking about the wheels. But they had a divot in the middle of the shoe, like in the arch, so that if you wanted to pretend to skate…

Meatball [00:32:30] You could grind!

Sasheer [00:32:31] You could grind. Yeah. Like, there’s a pole. The poles go in the middle of the arch. But show us the picture again.

Nicole [00:32:44] Oh, hold on. Okay. So, you can’t see. These ones have a little kitten heel.

Sasheer [00:32:53] A sneaker kitten heel. Okay.

Nicole [00:32:55] And those have a little wedge in them.

Sasheer [00:32:57] Those are cool.

Meatball [00:32:58] Those are cute.

Nicole [00:32:59] Thank you. And then I’ll show you the other ones I really fucking want.

Meatball [00:33:02] I didn’t know Skechers had cute shit.

Nicole [00:33:04] They do.

Sasheer [00:33:06] I didn’t know Crocs had cute shit either.

Nicole [00:33:09] Crocs is the shit. I fucking love Crocs, baby.

Sasheer [00:33:14] They have, like, sandals and wedges and strappies.

Nicole [00:33:17] I’ve been trying to find these ones, but I can’t find them. They’re sold out in size 11s.

Meatball [00:33:26] Are those those Nike’s that are all the different animal prints? Because I want those really bad.

Nicole [00:33:30] They’re, like, knockoff Nike’s with all the animal prints. And I can’t find it nowhere, nohow. I might buy these?

Sasheer [00:33:39] Those are cute.

Meatball [00:33:40] Yes. Those are cute.

Nicole [00:33:42] We love Skechers!

Meatball [00:33:43] Yes, we love Skechers!

Nicole [00:33:47] We are Skechers stans.

Sasheer [00:33:51] They used to be all over the place, and now I haven’t heard of them in years.

Nicole [00:33:57] Well, because it was like a real ’90s brand. And then everyone was like, “Chunky sneakers? Get out of here.” And now chunky sneakers are back.

Sasheer [00:34:05] They’re back! And thank God they held on until the train came back.

Nicole [00:34:10] They did. They also have LA Gear branded shoes. They’re doing a collaboration. Sketchers and LA Gear.

Sasheer [00:34:18] Well, well, well.

Nicole [00:34:20] It is as if Skechers is paying me to talk about their products. And they’re not.

Sasheer [00:34:30] Well, I’ve been looking for a filing cabinet. It’s hard because they’re all really ugly. No one wants a cute filing cabinet. There’s a couple that are cute, but not all functional. Some have, like, a tiny drawer and then one big drawer. But I want two big drawers. And then some don’t have keys. It’s a mess.

Nicole [00:34:52] You didn’t like the one I showed you? Poppin?

Sasheer [00:34:58] No. I mean, I thought it was cute. It’s, like, one of the cuter options, but I don’t personally want it. It doesn’t, like, match my stuff.

Meatball [00:35:08] I kind of want to see what it is. I wonder if you can find, like, a… I don’t know if they even make fun looking filing cabinets.

Sasheer [00:35:15] Not many.

Meatball [00:35:17] Yeah.

Sasheer [00:35:18] I found, like, three, but…

Nicole [00:35:21] I think mine is cute.

Sasheer [00:35:23] I didn’t say it wasn’t cute. Did you hear me say it wasn’t cute?

Nicole [00:35:27] Mine’s really cute.

Sasheer [00:35:28] Kimmie, play it back. No, I’m kidding.

Kimmie [00:35:31] I cannot do that.

Sasheer [00:35:35] I know. Yours is cute. It just doesn’t fit my aesthetic.

Nicole [00:35:47] Wait, Meatball, did you tell us what you missed from the outside world?

Meatball [00:35:52] I like cheeseburgers. I’m trapped at home with a vegan. We ain’t got no meat up in this bitch.

Nicole [00:36:00] Oh no.

Meatball [00:36:01] I’ve been eating vegan for a month and a half. I’m ready to die. I’m ready to end it all. Honey, I want a hamburger. And I want one of those fat burger ones, where you get your picture on the wall. I want a big one. I want to be wrong.

Nicole [00:36:16] Where’s your favorite hamburger or cheeseburger from?

Meatball [00:36:21] I guess probably Fatburger. I like the way that their burgers are, but I don’t like their fries.

Nicole [00:36:29] I don’t like their fries either.

Meatball [00:36:30] Yeah. And everyone’s always, like, “In-N-Out’s the best.” In-N-Out has gross ass fries, too–and an okay burger.

Nicole [00:36:34] I like In-N-Out’s fries. They’re weird. It’s like eating a potato–just putting a potato in your mouth.

Meatball [00:36:45] Yeah, ’cause I think they’re just fresh. They just cut them and throw them in.

Nicole [00:36:48] Yeah, they don’t double fry them.

Meatball [00:36:51] My fry needs a double fry. Get it crispy on the inside and outside, baby.

Nicole [00:36:55] I love McDonald’s french fries.

Sasheer [00:36:57] I like Shake Shack.

Meatball [00:37:00] I used to eat so much shitty food. What?

Sasheer [00:37:02] Shake Shack.

Nicole [00:37:08] They do; there’s one in Glendale…

Sasheer [00:37:11] Oh, is that the end of the list? I thought you were–

Meatball [00:37:13] And downtown…

Nicole [00:37:19] And Downtown and Hollywood and Terminal Three at LAX.

Meatball [00:37:25] I guess I kind of miss traveling. Although I hate flying because I hate airports, but, like, I miss going to other cities…

Nicole [00:37:36] Me too! I miss going to cities and going, “Why does anyone live here?” And then, like, having a really great show and being like, “The people here are so kind, they should get out.”

Sasheer [00:37:50] But we need them to stay there so that place can be good, you know?

Nicole [00:37:56] I also miss, like, fighting with audience members. I know I complain about it a lot, but I was like, “This is a part of my life now, and no one has yelled at me in a long time while I’m trying to make a point.”

Meatball [00:38:07] Yeah, I miss asking people to get kicked out of clubs just for, like, saying the wrong thing to me.

Nicole [00:38:16] What was the wildest way you kicked someone out of a club?

Meatball [00:38:19] I used to work the door at this party called Daddy Issues in downtown… And these, like, three guys that shouldn’t– Like, they were straight, and I kept on trying to be like, “Listen, you’re going to go in there, and you’re going to turn around and leave. And I’m not going to give you money back. So, I’m just telling you now, you’re not going to like it. You’re not getting your money back. It’s a bunch of gays, and they’re doing gay stuff in the back room.” And so, they, like, went in anyway and paid me. And then when they were trying to leave, they wanted their money back, and I was like, “I told you six times! How dare you?” And then they wouldn’t leave. And because they were straight and I’m a drag, they were just yelling horrible things at me–just the worst. And finally, I was like, “Okay, I’m just going to get security,” and just had them leave. But the whole time I was, like, cackling and screaming like a witch as they were getting thrown out because it felt right. But the craziest reason? I think one time someone said my friend was too hairy to be a drag queen. I was like, “You can see yourself out,” and, like, had the whole audience clap as they, like, escorted these people out of their booth. And I was like, “Hairy drag queens have rights!”

Sasheer [00:39:29] “Hairy queens matter!”

Nicole [00:39:31] That’s so funny. Somebody said your friend is too hairy to be a drag queen–“Get out!”

Meatball [00:39:38] “Leave!”

Sasheer [00:39:38] That’s very funny.

Nicole [00:39:41] I just can’t imagine trying to argue– That’s like going to someone’s house and disrespecting them in their house. You’re at the club that they work at. That’s their home. That’s their home club. You can’t do that.

Meatball [00:39:56] And that was the worst part was that they were, like, in the front row. So, they were saying it while the performer was out there, like, to them. And I was like, “We’re not doing this today. Let’s not play this game.” But I love when people get messy. I think it’s hilarious. The messier the better. But, like, just don’t be rude.

Nicole [00:40:16] My favorite thing at Micky’s–it’ll be, like, 7 p.m. and there’ll be, like, a cute little twink passed out in the corner with no friends. And then at midnight, you’ll see the same twink again–just alive–having the time of their life.

Meatball [00:40:32] Where did the second wind come from? And your body isn’t meant to hold a ton of alcohol.

Nicole [00:40:39] It’s honestly like Jesus has risen in the form of a little twink. It’s so funny.

Meatball [00:40:45] Oh, and the Sundays there are the worst but also the best for viewing that because people will do the brunches around and then end up at Micky’s for the in-between time.

Nicole [00:40:57] At, like, 3:00 p.m. Yes.

Meatball [00:40:58] 6:00 or 7:00 is not the time to be out. And these kids are passed out, sleeping in cages, like, just kind of figure out what’s going on. And they’re always like, “I’m looking for blah, blah, blah.” And you’re like, “Listen, she’s not here. Go home.”

Nicole [00:41:19] One of these days, Sasheer, I’ll have to take you to a dance.

Sasheer [00:41:23] Sounds fun.

Meatball [00:41:24] Yeah! You should come on out.

Sasheer [00:41:26] Yeah!

Meatball [00:41:28] We had Mano and Betsy come out one night, and we got them wasted. Didn’t Mano try to make out with a puppet?

Nicole [00:41:40] I think so.

Sasheer [00:41:41] Wow.

Nicole [00:41:43] For whatever reason, it’s like rules don’t exist in a gay club and you can drink as much as you want with no consequences. But, you know, there are consequences.

Sasheer [00:41:54] There’s still laws.

Nicole [00:42:00] Micky’s is my favorite bar in West Hollywood just because everyone’s so messy. I once left, and a shop boy was trying to tell me why I was single. And he was like, “You need to go home.” He was from, like, Ecuador or something. He’s like, “You need to go home. You need to plant your feet in the grass and feel the earth.” So, me and my friend, John, went back to my house, took off our shoes. We were in the front of my house, just, like, fingering the grass with our feet, being like, “We need to feel the earth!” And then I was like, “Oh, we should all go to bed. This is bad.” No consequences.

Meatball [00:42:37] Go-go boys always have the weirdest advice. One of them was like– I was telling him how I was afraid that I was going to go bald in the middle here but still keep this front top and, like, nothing back here. He was like, “Just shave it off. Glue on a hairpiece. No one will tell.” And I was like, “Everyone can tell that you’re wearing one. What are you talking about?” Just a hard line around the side of his head. Hair systems are very popular now. Have you seen this?

Sasheer [00:43:07] No.

Meatball [00:43:08] Yeah, well, especially in the UK. Like, everyone over there has one. You can, like, see this line all the way around their head.

Nicole [00:43:18] I love it.

Sasheer [00:43:19] I have seen Instagram videos of men getting pieces glued on. And it does look good.

Meatball [00:43:27] A good one looks good.

Sasheer [00:43:29] Yeah. Believable. And then people in the comments are all like, “Wow, men can do it, too. They can also be deceitful. They’re lying again.”

Nicole [00:43:46] I love it. “Men can be deceitful.” I mean, if I was fucking a dude and, like, ran my fingers through his hair and his wig came off, I think I’d be like, “Wow. Me too.” I’d maybe take mine off, and then we can rub our little bald heads together.

Meatball [00:44:02] Swap wigs.

Nicole [00:44:07] Honestly, what a dream. I would love to slap my wig on a man I was fucking. I would love it so much.

Sasheer [00:44:15] That’d be great.

Nicole [00:44:21] Wow. This episode has flown by. It’s been so much fun.

Sasheer [00:44:26] Yeah, this was so fun.

Nicole [00:44:28] Meatball, do you want to promote the Zoom or the Twitch?

Meatball [00:44:32] Just follow my Instagram, @spiceiestmeatball, or my Twitter, @fatdragmeatball. And I take money from everybody at my Venmo, which is also spiciestmeatball.

Nicole [00:44:43] I like the change. It used to be that you only took white money.

Meatball [00:44:47] Well, you know, in these “uncertain times,” as people are calling them, I’ll take money from every color. But for a while there it was just white people because I needed to make them feel bad. And I was making money off of white people. White people got jobs!

Sasheer [00:45:02] And guilt.

Nicole [00:45:08] All right. Thanks, Meatball.

Sasheer [00:45:09] Nice to meet you! Thank you!

Meatball [00:45:11] Bye! It was nice meeting you!

Nicole [00:45:12] Wait, you’ve never met?

Sasheer & Meatball [00:45:14] No.

Nicole [00:45:15] Oh, this is wild. We all have to hang out in person.

Meatball [00:45:19] And I think you’ve only seen me in drag in person once. When I screamed at you.

Nicole [00:45:25] You’re correct. Yeah. I only see you as a boy–as Logan.

Meatball [00:45:30] As Logan. All right. Have a good one, everybody!

Sasheer [00:45:38] Bye!