EP. 340 — Could You Beat a Raccoon In a Fight? (Live from Edinburgh)

Chris [00:00:04] Hello, Edinburgh! Night three. Beautiful/ Anonymous. One hour. One phone call. No names. No holds barred. Hi, everybody. My name is Chris Gethard, and you’re about to hear another of our live shows from Edinburgh, Scotland. Thanks to everybody who came out in Edinburgh. So happy you were there. Those crowds were small but mighty. And anyone who’s there live can vouch for me. The call you’re about to hear, this was a weird one in a lot of different ways, both in the way the content went down and in some revelations that happened during the call. I think it’s going to make you laugh. Also want to let you know if you’re going, I’d like to go see a live Beautiful/ Anonymous someday, guess what? This episode’s coming out on October 10th, 2022. On October 14th, I’ll be at The Earl in Atlanta, Georgia, doing standup comedy. I’ll be at the 40 Watt, the legendary 40 Watt in Athens, Georgia, doing some stand up comedy. So I don’t have any Beautiful/ Anonymous tapings this weekend, but we can hang. You say hi, see my show. I’ve been working real hard on this show. It’s going to make you laugh. It’s gonna make you feel some feelings. ChrisGeth.com. If you’re in Atlanta or Athens, come on out. It’s going to be me. And I’m traveling with the great Franco Danger, who’s probably my favorite young comedian, although there’s so many good young comedians coming out of Jersey. One of the young bucks in New Jersey coming with me out on the road. Anyway, this week’s call, all the people out there who are like, I love when they get crazy and there’s no real plan and we’ll see where it goes. Well, guess what? Ding, ding, ding. This one’s for you. We’re going to find out that this caller knows another caller who we’ve heard from in recent therapy. We’re gonna hear this one bounce into a million different random questions. This is like just imagine an hour of unregulated A.D.D. in audio form. And that’s, that’s what we got right here. So many different directions. So many different questions. A couple serious points, but mostly just chaos. Also, I want to let everybody know the caller says her name and another person’s name like maybe a thousand times. So there’s a lot of beeps in this episode. But what can I do? What can I do? We gotta beep the names when they come up. Anyway. You’re going to enjoy it. It’s pure chaos.

Voicemail Robot [00:02:36] Thank you for calling Beautiful/ Anonymous. A beeping noise will indicate when you are on the show with the host.

Chris [00:02:43] Hello, caller. Are you there?

Caller [00:02:46] Yeah, I’m here. How’s it going?

Chris [00:02:48] How’s it going? It’s going good. I tell you what, I’ve been a little. This festival is a great thing. It also, as a performer can be it can beat you down. And I was feeling a little beat up. And then today I had the the my, my, my show with my comedy, I it was the best show on my run. So I’m feeling really good. Feeling really good. Yeah, feeling good. And now I get to talk to you. I feel even better. So how are you doing?

Caller [00:03:10] Are you telling me- I’m good. Are you telling me I have to get on stage after you, like, completely rocked it? I have to, like, follow up that?

Chris [00:03:16] Yeah. Yeah.

Caller [00:03:17] Oh damn.

Chris [00:03:18] If I’m being honest. Yeah, yeah. No, I don’t think I would ever. I don’t think. Can you imagine if someone’s like, how’d your show go tonight? And I was like, I completely rocked it. Like, no one would accept. No one would find that acceptable. No. They were really kind. The crowd was very much with me and it and I feel lucky. But yeah.

Caller [00:03:37] Cool, so they’ll take pity on me, too, yea?

Chris [00:03:37] I already. Yeah, but I tell you, I already like your attitude. You got a good energy.

Caller [00:03:42] Oh cool. Thank you.

Chris [00:03:42] Yeah. What’s your story?

Caller [00:03:44] Uh, that’s a great question. Oh, I don’t know where to start my story. Trying to think what I told your producer.

Chris [00:03:52] Good. We got time.

Caller [00:03:55] Got a little blank. I told her I was up to analyze your birth chart. If that’s a…

Chris [00:04:01] My birth chart?

Caller [00:04:03] Yeah.

Chris [00:04:03] Oh, boy.

Caller [00:04:03] That’s way more interesting to me. That’s what I’ve been doing with my, like, quarantine activities.

Chris [00:04:07] Let’s do it. So you do birth charts. Is that numerology?

Caller [00:04:12] No, that’s astrology.

Chris [00:04:14] Oh, okay. Astrology. All right. Yeah. Okay. Well, I’m going to tell you out of the gate, I don’t believe in that stuff. But if you can wow me, I’m down.

Caller [00:04:24] Oh, no.

Chris [00:04:25] I’m happy to give it a shot.

Caller [00:04:27] Okay. It gets a little more wowee if you know your birth time. But if not, it’s fine. We can still.

Chris [00:04:33] I do. I roughly know my birth time. Yeah.

Caller [00:04:35] Ooh, do you? Okay. Are you comfortable sharing it in front of a crowd?

Chris [00:04:40] I am. I can’t imagine any way that sharing my birth time would lead to negative. Like, if you were like, you want to share your home address? I’d be like, Nah, I can’t do that. You want to share your phone number? I don’t think I can do that. Birth time? I don’t think there’s a way someone could use that to steal my identity. Right?

Caller [00:04:58] I wouldn’t think so, but.

Chris [00:04:59] Okay.

Caller [00:05:00] You know.

Chris [00:05:01] Now, do you already know my birthday? Have you looked it up?

Caller [00:05:05] I have, actually. I have a friend who has the same birthday as you.

Chris [00:05:08] She didn’t call the show the other night, did she?

Caller [00:05:11] Oh, she might have.

Chris [00:05:12] Really?

Caller [00:05:14] Yeah.

Chris [00:05:15] That was your friend?

Caller [00:05:16] Yeah, that was my friend.

Chris [00:05:17] That was two nights ago! How do you and your friend keep getting through? You’re not the same person, are you?

Caller [00:05:22] Listen, we got a- we got a system. No, she’s here, though.

Chris [00:05:24] She’s with you? Put her on the phone!

Caller [00:05:27] Here, let me take the headphones off. He wants to talk to you.

Old Caller [00:05:29] Oh no.

Caller [00:05:30] Chris wants a word.

Caller [00:05:33] Okay.

Old Caller [00:05:34] Hey, Chris.

Chris [00:05:35] What is this shit? You cracked the code? You’ve figured out how to get through and no one else can, so now you’re- the show is just dominated by you and your friends?

Caller [00:05:44] If you want.

Old Caller [00:05:45] Listen, Chris. You should have learned this about me, that I’m a team player, so I’m a help, a friend, I’m a help a sister out. Also, she is the one to introduce me to the podcast. So I feel a little bad.

Chris [00:05:54] That’s good, but I just need this live crowd- was anyone here two nights ago by chance? You were. You can vouch for me. This lady sneaks into parades and stuff, everybody. You can’t trust her.

Caller [00:06:03] She sneaks into running parades, I think you should be clear.

Chris [00:06:05] Yes, she runs parades in small towns and those people don’t know she’s doing it all as a gag. Watch your back. Anyway. No, it’s very nice to talk to you. Okay, let’s put your friend back on.

Old Caller [00:06:14] Okay. Well, I just want to say that you’ve had me really thinking about my life choices and my ability to, like, be honest with myself. So thanks for that.

Chris [00:06:23] Sure. You’re welcome. You’re welcome. Well, you gave me the business the other night, too. Now I’m going to get my chart read here. I feel totally exposed.

Caller [00:06:31] Oh, shit. What’s your birth time?

Chris [00:06:33] My birth time was I think it was either 6:17 a.m. or 7:16 a.m.. So you want to split the difference in, say, 6:45?

Caller [00:06:46] Sure. Let’s do it.

Chris [00:06:46] Okay.

Caller [00:06:48] Oopsy. If I could type.

Chris [00:06:49] And now what do you do? You just enter all these numbers into a computer and they tell you mystical things about me? What is this? How does this work?

Caller [00:06:56] Yeah. I mean, it is like you can just, like, pull up free charts on the Internet. You know? I use AstroCards.com, but there’s a bunch of them out there.

Chris [00:07:05] So this is not, like, a thing. So we’re not saying. You’re not telling me, like, seven generations of my family have all been involved in an astrological charts. This is straight up you googled how to do this and found some site and you’re just doing a thing that anyone could do?

Caller [00:07:21] I mean, I’m reading books, so make it sound a little bit nicer.

Chris [00:07:24] Okay. No, I’m not mad. I’m laughing about it. But this- this isn’t.

Old Caller [00:07:29] Be nice to my friend.

Chris [00:07:30] You don’t have, like, psychic abilities or anything? You’re just straight up using Google.

Caller [00:07:35] I mean, sometimes I do have psychic abilities, but that’s a different, you know. Oh, my gosh, it’s not that interesting. I just mean.

Chris [00:07:45] My birth chart is not that interesting?

Caller [00:07:48] Well, my psychic abilities are not that interesting.

Chris [00:07:50] Oh, okay. Okay. I thought you said you punched it in and it was like, Lame white man. Like that.

Caller [00:07:58] It’s like super white dude from New Jersey is what it says.

Chris [00:08:02] Seems accurate. Seems like an accurate service. Yeah. Okay. How long does this take?

Caller [00:08:08] Depends on how fast I can type. I guess I’m slow right now.

Chris [00:08:12] May 23rd, 1980. We’re going to say 6:45 a.m..

Caller [00:08:17] Yeah. Oh, shit. I put P.M. Oh, no, we’re good. We got it. I did look up a couple things beforehand.

Chris [00:08:25] You did? Okay.

Caller [00:08:27] Just while I was waiting. It makes sense to me that you are in comedy because your sun is in Gemini, which we know, which makes you talkative and generally kind of like witty and funny. Gemini is all about communication. But your moon, I think, was in Virgo. Yeah, it’s in Virgo. And that makes you want to share stories. That’s a. That’s what a lot of Virgo is. With your, your moon is your emotions. It’s the things you feel deep inside. It’s sometimes your connection with your mom. Depends on the placement. But your moon is in Virgo. And so sharing stories is like the best thing you could have done. Like, it makes sense to me that you started a podcast where you talk to people because you like different stories.

Chris [00:09:19] Look at that. The Cosmos has given this podcast a thumbs up. That’s great.

Caller [00:09:24] Me and my astrology book. We got you. Sometimes it can make you a little bit controlling in your relationships. I don’t know if that is a thing for you. Um, because Virgo, they’re kind of known for being a little bit of the type A.

Chris [00:09:40] I would think I’m known as a stern taskmaster. Sure.

Caller [00:09:45] But you’re also, like, really generous with your time with people.

Chris [00:09:48] That one’s totally true. All the good ones are true. And all the bad ones I will laugh off with a joke.

Caller [00:09:55] Sounds like a Gemini.

Chris [00:09:58] Classic Gemini right there, everybody. Let’s pause. Classic Gemini right there. What can I say? Fitting the stereotype. Classic Gemini. Hey, we’re going to take a break. We’ll be right back. Thanks again to our advertisers. You allow the show to exist and I appreciate it. Let’s get back to the phone call.

Caller [00:10:26] But you’re also, like really generous with your time with people.

Chris [00:10:29] That one’s totally true. All the good ones are true. And all the bad ones I will laugh off with a joke.

Caller [00:10:36] Sounds like a Gemini. Sounds like a Gemini.

Chris [00:10:43] Okay. Is there anything else? Anything that cuts any deeper or no?

Caller [00:10:48] Um so I’m trying to, like, think and read at the same time. (BLEEP) can entertain you with a second.

Chris [00:10:56] You just you just doxed your friend. You just told me your friend’s name from the other night.

Caller [00:11:01] I’m so sorry!

Chris [00:11:02] Look at that. Now everybody knows. Now everybody knows (BLEEP) is the one to watch out for at the parade. Let’s put (BLEEP) on the phone.

Caller [00:11:09] She did so good at not doing it to herself.

Chris [00:11:10] Let’s get (BLEEP) on the phone. Yeah. Were you there sitting next to her for her call?

Caller [00:11:15] I was on face time, but. Yes.

Chris [00:11:17] Okay. Yeah. Let’s get (BLEEP) on the phone, please.

Caller [00:11:19] Okay. I’m so sorry.

Old Caller [00:11:21] It’s fine. That’s not my stage name. So no one’s gonna know.

Caller [00:11:26] Yeah. I didn’t give away the Instagram or Twitter handles.

Chris [00:11:28] Oh, I’m sure. I mean, we got 51 minutes left. You thought you were going to reveal all this information about me, and in reality, it’s just going to be you doxing your friend.

Caller [00:11:39] Well, at least I won’t tell you guys her birth time. Just the birthday. Okay, that’s fair. Can I ask you a question honestly?

Caller [00:11:47] Yeah.

Chris [00:11:49] And I feel like I’m about to sound like a grumpy and judgmental person, and I don’t want to come off that way. I’m asking very honestly. When you say, like, you’re someone who wants to make sure stories get told and you feel a connection with your mom, I go, those things are very, very true about me.

Caller [00:12:06] Yeah.

Chris [00:12:06] But wouldn’t any human being on earth say similar?

Caller [00:12:10] Um I mean, maybe, but… Because there’s a lot of people who have Virgo moons and also there’s a lot of people who like to connect. Because I would say I really like to connect and bring stories. So there are some things that are going to be like like universally human, I guess?

Chris [00:12:31] Yeah.

Caller [00:12:32] But making it your career is, like, a different thing.

Chris [00:12:35] I just pulled my pants, like, I’m sitting with my crossed leg, and now the front row can see that I’m wearing socks with my son’s face on them. Because I miss him so bad. That’s my son, Cal, everybody. My wife got me these socks for Father’s Day. And when I’m feeling really lonely out here, I wear the socks with his face on them. Was there anyone- clap if you realized that was going on before I mentioned it. Were you like this mothfucker? Was there anyone who sensed that it was the face of a child and couldn’t, was like, what? And didn’t realize it was my son? Most of the front row thought I was a real creep up until this moment, caller. Because they saw the face of a child on my socks and they were like, Whoa, you need to dig a little deeper on that chart because this guy is a fuckin psycho. Is there anything in the chart that accounts for my lifelong depression?

Caller [00:13:30] Well, your sun is in the 12th house, so, Yes.

Chris [00:13:33] What the hell does that mean?

Caller [00:13:35] So when you made the joke earlier about, you know, generations of Gethards or whatever, usually where you look to find that- I’m still pretty new to astrology, so I can’t get that deep into it, but 12th house is where you will find some generational things.

Chris [00:13:53] Okay.

Caller [00:13:54] So sometimes it can indicate… I don’t have my notes on the 12th house, but it can it can cause some stress when it comes to being yourself.

Chris [00:14:07] Sure.

Caller [00:14:07] Does that makes sense?

Chris [00:14:08] Okay.

Caller [00:14:09] 12th house represents things that you don’t necessarily want seen.

Chris [00:14:13] Yeah.

Caller [00:14:16] That you don’t want to look at. That it’s hard for you to face it.

Chris [00:14:22] So my sun is in 12th house and that means that I have things about me that I don’t want to face?

Caller [00:14:26] Yeah, basically.

Chris [00:14:27] Yeah, that’s true. Yeah, that one, you nailed it. Okay.

Caller [00:14:32] I have a 12th house placement too. So like I relate very heavily.

Chris [00:14:36] Okay.

Caller [00:14:37] I’ve got things I don’t want to listen. Your Mercury is also in the 12th house. I have that placement too, so I kind of know that one off the top of my head. But it can cause some stress around communication.

Chris [00:14:50] Yeah.

Caller [00:14:51] And it can also indicate how your parents were feeling, like, a few months before- like, I think it’s a year before you were born and like, seven years after you were born. So, like, in your early developmental stages.

Chris [00:15:04] Okay. How were my parents feeling from 1979 to 1986?

Caller [00:15:10] Issues of communicating with each other. Like somebody felt like they couldn’t speak their mind, couldn’t speak their truth. And in in result, it’s hard for you to do the same. Because I also really struggle with that.

Chris [00:15:23] Okay. I don’t know. I don’t get that sense about my parents, but maybe they’ll hear this someday and fill me in.

Caller [00:15:30] Maybe they will. You’ll have to ask Sally someday if she ever hears it how she was feeling when you were being born.

Chris [00:15:37] You know what my favorite thing about this is?

Caller [00:15:40] Yeah?

Chris [00:15:42] My favorite thing about this is there’s no way that we’re going to talk about this for 47 more minutes. And it’s interesting and charming enough, but I don’t think you have a backup plan. And that’s when this show tends to get fucking nuts.

Caller [00:15:55] Oh, I absolutely have no backup plan ever. I’m a Sagitarius with five fire placements. I, I said I’m a Sagittarius and I have five other fire placements.

Chris [00:16:05] Oh geez, buckle up.

Caller [00:16:07] I absolutely never have a plan, Chris. It’s just… head first.

Chris [00:16:11] How long do you predict we talk about- and again, I’m into it. I’m not judging. I’m not being like this is bad. Like I’m in, I’m interested. But how long do you predict that this goes before it’s just me and you winging it? Because that’s when it’s going to get wild.

Caller [00:16:26] But it probably, probably, I don’t know, probably depends on, like, until you distract me enough that I forget I have an astrology chart in front of me.

Chris [00:16:34] Sure.

Caller [00:16:34] Yeah.

Chris [00:16:35] So anything else pertinent about mine that I need to know?

Caller [00:16:38] Well, I just was going to look at the house your moon is in, because usually that can indicate.

Chris [00:16:42] Yeah. No, I wouldn’t…

Caller [00:16:45] Because your moon is in the fourth house, which is all surrounding family.

Chris [00:16:49] Fuck. Fuck.

Caller [00:16:50] No, actually, it’s actually kind of nice.

Chris [00:16:53] Oh. Nice!

Caller [00:16:53] It means you’re, like, close to your parents. And in return, your relationship with your son, you’re going to be very nurturing. Like, I think that’s, that’s very lovely.

Chris [00:17:01] I’m wearing the socks. I’m wearing the socks.

Caller [00:17:03] You’ve proved it. You’ve proved astrology’s real. With the socks.

Chris [00:17:07] I think these are a reflection of the fact that my moon is in the fourth house.

Caller [00:17:10] Yeah, exactly. Perfect.

Chris [00:17:13] Yeah.

Caller [00:17:14] Um did you change, like, residences a lot in your, I guess not necessarily just childhood. It might be.

Chris [00:17:21] Why? What are the charts telling you?

Caller [00:17:23] It just said that you might have changed residences a lot.

Chris [00:17:26] No.

Caller [00:17:29] That’s fine.

Chris [00:17:30] Yeah.

Caller [00:17:31] Good enough.

Chris [00:17:31] No, no, it’s fine. Listen, nobody’s going to bat a thousand.

Caller [00:17:37] Especially not where I’m so new to this. I’ve only been, like, actually trying for, like, the last year to read them. And it’s a lot of, like, information to synthesize, so probably not doing it justice, but, you know.

Chris [00:17:48] Yeah. 45 minutes left.

Caller [00:17:54] Why are you counting down the timer, Chris?

Chris [00:17:55] Cause I’m so thrilled. Because this has always been- because it’s a live call. Like, even when I’m alone in the studio, these ones, I’m like, oh, nice. I don’t know- we’re going to get to that murky back half where we don’t have a plan. And now it’s me and a bunch of people in Scotland staring at me, and I feel like you’re very nice and very charming. But I also get the sense that if I knew astrology charts, I’d be like, Oh, your fucking- your Saturn’s in the 17th goathead. You’re a loose cannon.

Caller [00:18:23] I mean, you kind of are not wrong, because when Saturn is in Capricorn, like most of the people from my generation, so.

Chris [00:18:28] Boom. Boom. What’s that mean?

Caller [00:18:31] It’s uh… I don’t know. It’s like a generational thing. Means we all just hit our Saturn returns. So shout out to-

Chris [00:18:38] What does that mean? You hit your Saturn returns?

Caller [00:18:44] Yeah.

Chris [00:18:44] You can’t explain one thing to me with information that I also don’t know.

Caller [00:18:49] Now, let me. Let me explain. I’ll do it.

Chris [00:18:51] Yeah, yeah, please.

Caller [00:18:52] Okay. So. (BLEEP)

Chris [00:18:54] This, by the way. Right?

Caller [00:18:56] She is. She’s laughing at me the whole time. So in a birth chart, it’s kind of like a picture of the sky the the time you were born. And the different houses are represented by the like it starts at the time. So everyone’s chart will look a little bit differently. But the… Some people track current transits as as it relates to your natal chart, which is what we’re looking at now, we’re looking at your natal chart. So the planets will return- not all of them, but Saturn will return. Like a solar return is like a birthday. Your sun returns to the same spot every year. Saturn takes 28.

Chris [00:19:33] You shoulda just said that.

Caller [00:19:35] Yeah. Sorry, that was way easier. I’m long winded. I gotta take up time, Chris.

Chris [00:19:40] No, no, no. I was kidding. That also did not make any sense to me. You’re like.

Caller [00:19:47] You can just Google it. Look up your chart.

Chris [00:19:51] I feel like this conversation is like the equivalent of you walking up to me and saying something in French and I go, Oh, I’m so sorry, I don’t speak French. So then you tell me something in Spanish and I go, I’m, I don’t know Spanish either. I’m so sorry. And then you just look at me and smile and you just say something that’s like ten times longer but in German. It’s clear that you know what I’m saying, because I’m speaking English and you’re just, like, flexing hard on me that none of this makes sense.

Caller [00:20:20] Sorry.

Chris [00:20:21] No, it’s honestly so much fun for me.

Caller [00:20:26] (BLEEP) wants me to list all the ways Geminis suck.

Chris [00:20:29] Okay. Go for it. I mean, if you want (BLEEP) to be the silent puppet master controlling your life, that’s fine.

Caller [00:20:35] I like Geminis. Geminis get a bad rep. Like when you’re on Tik Tok or whatever.

Chris [00:20:38] Well, what’s what’s (BLEEP)? If you ever want me to feel old, tell me more about astrology TikTok. Ever want me to feel more like a man in my forties? Break down how astrology TikTok works.

Caller [00:20:58] That’s actually what I set out to do on the show is to make you feel as old as possible.

Chris [00:21:01] I believe it’s every day. No. It’s just the nature of the beast, I think, being a young dad. So what’s wrong with Geminis? I mean, we’re we’re moody, right? Emotionally, a little out of control. Are those two in the knocks?

Caller [00:21:13] Something like that.

Chris [00:21:14] Two faced?

Caller [00:21:16] Yeah, two faced is usually the thing you hear the most about Geminis.

Chris [00:21:19] Sure.

Caller [00:21:20] But I actually disagree. Because I feel like Geminis can be, I don’t know, I’m friends with her so I think they’re pretty cool. I also have a Gemini moon, so I have a soft spot for the Geminis.

Chris [00:21:32] Yeah, yeah.

Caller [00:21:33] Yeah.

Chris [00:21:34] Do you believe in ghosts?

Caller [00:21:36] Uh, yes.

Chris [00:21:38] Yeah.

Caller [00:21:40] Yeah. I seem like the type, huh?

Chris [00:21:43] No, I’m just checking.

Caller [00:21:45] You’re trying to distract me.

Chris [00:21:46] I feel like if you’re going to keep saying random shit, that I’ll just keep saying random shit too.

Caller [00:21:51] Perfect. I like it.

Chris [00:21:52] I love it. That would be an amazing structure for a call. What’s your favorite type of berry?

Caller [00:21:58] (UNCLEAR)

Chris [00:21:59] What’s that?

Caller [00:22:00] Raspberry. What’s yours?

Chris [00:22:02] I like. I actually really like raspberries a lot as well, but I find that they tend to go bad a little sooner than other berries. So that’s. I like the taste, but I don’t like I don’t like the efficiency.

Caller [00:22:14] But you didn’t answer what your favorite blue- what your favorite berry is.

Chris [00:22:17] Well, you just proved- you looked at my chart. You said this motherfucker likes blueberries.

Caller [00:22:22] That might have been me psychic-ing you. Is it actually blueberries?

Chris [00:22:24] I was going to say blueberries. Yeah.

Caller [00:22:27] Fuck. Maybe I am a little bit psychic. I don’t know. My therapist makes me write down when I get things right. So that one’s going in the old… Let me see if I can guess something else about you. What’s a good thing to guess?

Chris [00:22:40] You tell me.

Caller [00:22:42] I’m trying to think.

Chris [00:22:42] Okay, I’m thinking of a number between one and ten. I’m going to hold up my fingers so that the crowd can see it. But you can’t see it. One through ten. Now, I’m going to shut my eyes and I’m gonna try to connect with you through the powers of the cosmos. I’m holding up a certain number of fingers. The crowd can see it. My eyes are shut and I’m really trying to give myself over to the idea that we’re all humans on this globe. Connected. That maybe in some world, if you can give yourself over as well, we can meet on the astral plane and you can see my fingers. How many?

Caller [00:23:13] Hmm? Four is the number that keeps coming to my brain, but I don’t- (CROWD GOES WILD). Was that right?

Chris [00:23:24] You just gave this crowd the goddamn time of their lives. You just gave this crowd the greatest moment of their lives.

Caller [00:23:32] Wait, are they really just being nice to me, or did I actually get it?

Chris [00:23:35] Yeah. People are just spontaneously that nice as crowds. No, you crushed it. I was holding up four fingers wwith my eyes closed. And then you traveled into that astral plane like Doctor goddamn Strange. And you came and you looked at my four fingers and you got it. Let’s do another thing. Okay um.

Caller [00:23:48] I didn’t. I didn’t even think about it. That was the first number that came to my head before you even closed your eyes.

Chris [00:23:52] Okay, hold on. What I’m going to do, because I’ve got my computer here with the timer. So I’m going to go ahead. I’m going to type the name of an animal and then I’m going to show it to the front row. Okay. You guys can see it. You can vouch for it. Okay. So just the front row. Are you the couple, by the way? Are you the one who lied to your girlfriend about the tickets? oh, that’s you. Well, well done. Okay, so a bunch of the people in the front row I’ve written down the name of a horse. Oh! Okay, never mind. Never mind.

Caller [00:24:21] Are you doxing horses now?

Chris [00:24:22] No, no, never mind. Get that out of your head. Get that out your head. I’m gonna change the name of the animal. You guys see the name of that animal? Okay, I have written down the name of an animal. Spoiler, it’s not a horse anymore. I’ve written down the name of a different animal. I showed it to four or five people in the front row. I’m going to sit in the same exact chair that I was before. I’m closing my eyes. I’m giving myself over to the idea that we’re all a part of one universe and that maybe we indeed are all connected and that these things are possible. Being open minded. And maybe if you focus in the same way on your end, you can travel through the astral plane, look into my mind, maybe even look at my computer screen, and guess the name of the animal.

Caller [00:25:00] Hmm. This one feels harder. For some reason, lion’s coming into my brain, but I don’t think that’s right. The noise from the crowd tells me it wasn’t.

Chris [00:25:09] Is that your official guess? Lion?

Caller [00:25:10] Hmmmm.

Chris [00:25:14] Look at the chart. Figure out what type of animal would this guy list?

Caller [00:25:22] Well, a horse with such a basic answer for before.

Chris [00:25:24] Ouch.

Caller [00:25:26] Dog. Dog is my official answer.

Chris [00:25:27] Dog?

Caller [00:25:29] Yeah. I don’t have one on that one.

Chris [00:25:31] Squirrel. It was squirrel.

Caller [00:25:35] Squirrel. Okay. Well, we’re two for three. We’ll see. We’ll see what else we hit.

Chris [00:25:37] Well we’re one for two. One for two. We need the rubber match. Right? So we got one.

Caller [00:25:43] I thought there was another one I guessed, wasn’t there?

Old Caller [00:25:44] Yeah. The berry.

Caller [00:25:44] The berry. That’s two for three. Don’t downplay the berry moment.

Chris [00:25:51] Fuck me. You’re right. Okay. Got 37 minutes left. And we’re you’re literally- I’m just we’re- I’ve asked these people to pay money tonight so they could watch me type the word squirrel on to a computer. And then you could guess from somewhere in America. Can you imagine?

Caller [00:26:09] I think they’re enjoying it, honestly.

Chris [00:26:09] What’s that?

Caller [00:26:11] I would enjoy it. I said I feel like I would enjoy it.

Chris [00:26:13] I think people are having. I think I think there are a lot of people in the room tonight going, I’m not sure why, but this is really fun. That’s my hope. Honestly, last night…

Caller [00:26:21] Yeah, that’s what I hope, too.

Chris [00:26:25] Last night, a little sedate. So I’m glad this one is getting weird.

Caller [00:26:28] Oh good.

Chris [00:26:29] I wonder who (BLEEP)’s going to have call tomorrow night. We got one more. (BLEEP), do you have any other friends that you’re already lining up to call since you apparently have cracked the system on how to get through to Beautiful/ Anonymous?

Old Caller [00:26:39] I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I don’t know anyone else who listens to your podcast. They should. I tell them to. But nobody listens to me.

Chris [00:26:53] You know what’s cool though is, like, you got to hear the crowd’s laugh, so you can imagine what they saw when I felt that pain.

Old Caller [00:27:04] I’m so sorry. You know, after we talked, I was like, I have way more empathy for Chris now. But apparently I’m still mean.

Chris [00:27:11] No, you’re great. You’re great. Okay. So to my astrologist friend. 36 minutes left. What else do you want to do? We’ve done some astrology chart, some psychic guessing. What else? What else should we do?

Caller [00:27:23] Maybe we should talk about why are you afraid to talk about something sad tonight? That you tweeted about it.

Chris [00:27:31] Well, I put out the call prompt. I said I can’t handle anything sad tonight. Who’s got some energy and some fun? And that’s and then you called and Andrea put you on. I’ll give you the honest answer. I’ll give you the honest answer, which is it’s a two pronged answer. Full disclosure, last night’s call I mentioned was a little sedate. And I’m not judging the caller and I’m not upset about it. It was a good call, but I wanted to make sure that this one tonight had a different energy. So I put that. And then the second answer, if I’m being totally honest, is, you know, I’ve spent over two weeks now in a city where I don’t really know anybody, where my son is in a time zone that’s 5 hours away. So I only get to talk to him for a few minutes a day. And I miss him terribly and I feel lonely. So I wanted some goofy energy, some fun energy. I needed that distraction tonight. And you’ve been giving me that, so thank you.

Caller [00:28:19] Okay. I’m sorry things are a bit lonely out there right now.

Chris [00:28:23] That’s okay. That’s the nature of the beast, right? You travel. You travel, this life I have, you know, I’m I wander from city to city, and I do stuff and I meet nice people and then I move on. And that’s inherently a very fun life that fits me. But also it does mean you’re constantly in flux and it’s a little bit lonely. And I signed up for it and it fits me. But right now, well, that’s the thing, right? Is that now my child has my child has kind of reframed the whole discussion. So it doesn’t feel as much adventurous to leave and go places. It feels like I’m disconnected from this thing that gives me all of my greatest joy. So I put on socks with his face on them and I walk around town.

Caller [00:29:06] Spoken like a man with the moon in this fourth house.

Chris [00:29:08] Alright. Why don’t you go ahead and say something all emo and shit? I had to get all emotional-.

Caller [00:29:12] I can.

Chris [00:29:13] What’s that?

Caller [00:29:14] I can. I can. What do you want to know about?

Chris [00:29:17] Let’s see. What do I want to know about? Let’s see. What’s the most a friend has ever hurt your feelings? And if it’s (BLEEP), it’s okay. You just have to say in front of her.

Caller [00:29:30] (BLEEP) actually never hurt my feelings. So.

Old Caller [00:29:32] Just yours.

Caller [00:29:33] Just yours, yeah.

Chris [00:29:36] (BLEEP), you know, you’re becoming the villain of this show.

Caller [00:29:39] You- she did say yesterday or the other day that this was the origin of her villain story.

Chris [00:29:44] She did. When she was on the call, she said it was the origen and now she and now she keeps dissin me and honestly, in a funny way where people like it and you are becoming the villain of the show. And someday I will defeat you.

Caller [00:29:59] You’re the origin of his one.

Old Caller [00:30:01] I’m open to that.

Chris [00:30:03] That felt weird. That response felt weird.

Caller [00:30:07] Uh, what’s the most a friend has ever hurt me?

Chris [00:30:12] Wait, is that (BLEEP) or the other caller?

Caller [00:30:14] That was me. (BLEEP) I almost said my own name. I didn’t do it.

Chris [00:30:18] So close.

Caller [00:30:20] The astrology girl.

Chris [00:30:21] Sure. Okay.

Caller [00:30:23] I’m going to think what the most another friend has ever hurt me.

Chris [00:30:27] Either that you can either tell me the thing a friend has said that has hurt your feelings the most, or you can rank your favorite types of pudding.

Caller [00:30:38] I don’t know that I’ve eaten that many types of pudding, so…

Chris [00:30:40] What? You don’t have any opinions on pudding?

Caller [00:30:45] Chocolate pudding’s fine. It’s good. Not mad at it. I had a pistachio pudding thing.

Chris [00:30:52] Delicious. One of my favorite kinds. Might be my favorite pudding. Pistachio pudding. Underrated.

Caller [00:30:57] Great. Pistachio’s good.

Chris [00:30:59] What about you ever have banana pudding?

Caller [00:31:02] Oh, shit. I do make a really good banana pudding, actually. I forgot about that.

Chris [00:31:04] You make it? Do you put it? Do you put nilla wafers in it?

Caller [00:31:08] Yeah. So it’s it’s technically like a copycat of Magnolia Bakery.

Chris [00:31:12] See, you’re out here saying you got no opinions on pudding, and then it turns out that you’re out here ripping off famous bakeries because you care that much about pudding.

Caller [00:31:20] I forget about my opinions sometimes, but when I have them, they’re strong.

Chris [00:31:24] And also also, I know how to dig deep, and I’m good at this goddamn job. You thought you were going to sit here and tell me something sad, and instead I got you to talk about pudding. But you thought you had nothing to say about it.

Caller [00:31:35] I forgot I liked it. I forgot I liked pudding. So it’s perfect. You’re doing your job well.

Chris [00:31:38] Sure, sure.

Caller [00:31:40] (UNCLEAR) says you’re doing your job well.

Chris [00:31:41] This is becoming the true chaos that I craved and needed tonight. Good. Saddest thing a friend’s ever told you?

Caller [00:31:49] Back to that?

Chris [00:31:51] Or. Or. Do you think? Do you think you could beat a raccoon in a fight? See, it’s moments like this where I hear myself do them and I go, sometimes people call up and they give me credit. Chris, you’re thoughtful. You’re a good listener. And I go, But I’m also an idiot who asks people if they could beat up a raccoon. And I shake my head in shame. You know what, while we’re taking this break, let’s listen to some ads. We’ll be right back. Thanks again to everybody who sponsors the show. Now let’s finish off the phone call. Do you think you could beat a raccoon in a fight? Saddest thing that saddest a friend’s ever made you, or we could discuss do you think that if a raccoon tried to fight you, you could win? Because there’s been a couple of people who have called this show and talked about raccoon attacks.

Caller [00:32:42] Okay. What weight class do you think the raccoon is in?

Chris [00:32:47] I would say standard raccoon. It’s not a super sized raccoon. It’s not on steroids. It’s not a human sized raccoon. It’s like the type of raccoon that goes through a garbage can and takes stuff out.

Caller [00:32:57] And is the raccoon rabid?

Chris [00:32:59] The raccoon is not rabid. Great question. Not rabid. So which would be kind of like steroids for raccoons, right? I would say it’s a it’s a healthy by raccoon standards, a reasonably healthy adult raccoon. Not elderly, not too young. It’s a fully developed. It’s gone through raccoon puberty. It’s probably the equivalent of like a 27 to 28 year old human raccoon in terms of health level. I’m not saying it’s a 28 year old raccoon, cause I think that raccoon would be on death’s door. I don’t know much about the lifespans of raccoons, but I have a feeling that would be an extremely elder raccoon. I would say more that it’s at its athletic prime in the same way that most Olympic athletes, they say, hit their athletic prime around 26, 27, 28 for most sports. It’s at its athletic prime as a raccoon. It’s healthy. It has all its claws and teeth. I’d say, like right in the 50th percentile of what you would expect for a raccoon from weight. It’s not an overly fat raccoon, it’s not a really skinny raccoon. It’s right down the middle as far as a raccoon. Could you beat it in a fight? And what would your strategy be while fighting it? Or what’s the saddest a friend has ever made you?

Caller [00:34:10] Um… That’s a tough one. I do feel like I could beat a raccoon if he wasn’t motivated to fight me. If he was motivated, I don’t know if I could do it. To be honest. I feel like I would give a good fight.

Chris [00:34:26] And when you say if it was motivated to fight you, how exactly do you classify the difference in that?

Caller [00:34:32] Like it actively wants to fight me. It’s challenged me.

Chris [00:34:36] Well, the presupposition is that you have to fight the raccoon. Let’s say that it’s like you go to a bag of garbage in your garbage can and you catch the raccoon out there and the raccoon, like, backs up and it’s like, Oh, and now we’re going to have a fight.

Caller [00:34:49] I’ll just swing the bag at it and then I’d win. I have objects in my hand.

Chris [00:34:52] Well, if you get a weapon, the raccoon gets a weapon. What weapon?

Caller [00:34:55] How could the raccoon have a weapon?

Chris [00:34:56] If you get to use a garbage bag, then the raccoon gets to use… What’s that? (AUDIENCE MEMBER SPEAKS) I couldn’t. Oh. The Scottish crowd has informed me they have a very strong- listen. Here’s what Scotland thinks of America. The raccoon has a gun. That’s what Scotland thinks happens in America right now. That even our raccoons are walking around fucking strapped with glocks.

Caller [00:35:22] I mean, I don’t think they’re wrong. It’s a terrifying place to live.

Chris [00:35:28] Yeah, it’s. I mean, the amount of jokes I’ve heard about American gun culture is very it is it’s it’s not wrong for people to make the jokes, but, man, it makes me sad. But, yeah.

Caller [00:35:38] Oh, me too. Me too.

Chris [00:35:39] So the raccoon has let’s say the raccoon has a gun, but it’s not loaded. So you have a bag that you can swing at the raccoon and the raccoon can try to pistol whip you with the gun, but it can’t actually shoot the gun.

Caller [00:35:51] Well it’s not loaded though, because either way if I see a gun I’m putting my hands up.

Chris [00:35:55] Yeah, you know it’s not loaded. You’re aware that it’s not loaded. So it’s effectively using it as a club. So the raccoon has a gun, but the gun has no bullets. You have a bag full of reasonably heavy garbage, and you have to fight the raccoon. What’s your strategy and who do we think wins?

Caller [00:36:12] I got more reach between my legs in the garbage bag. I got more reach. He’s just got a little gun.

Chris [00:36:19] Yeah, but he’s got a lot of mobility, agility, and can climb walls. Let’s not forget. And he’s got a gun.

Caller [00:36:30] I just feel like I could put that raccoon so hard. It wouldn’t want to deal with me. So.

Chris [00:36:37] What’s that?

Caller [00:36:39] I said I could punch that raccoon so hard. I don’t think it would want to deal with me.

Chris [00:36:42] Yeah. You think you’d beat the raccoon in a fight.

Caller [00:36:44] My older brother is (UNCLEAR) as any raccoon. If I can take my older brother, I could take a raccoon.

Chris [00:36:48] You can beat up your older brother in a fight? Legit?

Caller [00:36:53] If I fight dirty, yes. It hasn’t happened in, like, 15 years, and so my skills might be rusty.

Chris [00:36:59] My older brother is two and a half years older than me, and he generally had the upper hand. And we were both willing to fight dirty. But if you knew us growing up, you’d think that I would probably be the one to fight dirty quicker. But he, he would throw a sucker punch. The last time we got in a fight, I was in college, and I managed to pin him against a wall, and I was like, This is crazy. We both got to stop. He’s like, You’re right. I’m like, You’re good? Gonna walk away? He’s like, Yeah. So I let him go and he immediately punched me in the jaw as hard as he could.

Caller [00:37:31] Wow, what a jerk.

Chris [00:37:32] That’s Irish-American brothers right there. Like born a little too close in age and we just spent our whole childhood like nobody who I’m closer with in my life and also we would just beat the shit out of each other on a weekly basis.

Caller [00:37:45] Yeah. Sounds familiar. I think that’s maybe growing up in a dysfunctional household a little bit. Siblings, but.

Chris [00:37:52] Maybe.

Caller [00:37:53] Not super dysfunctional, just-.

Chris [00:37:53] What’s the chart say?

Caller [00:37:55] What’s your chart say? I don’t know.

Chris [00:37:56] What’s the chart say about my brother? Anything?

Caller [00:38:00] Probably not.

Chris [00:38:01] Okay.

Caller [00:38:02] I was like, I don’t know if I would say it. I’m still still kind of new to this thing, you know?

Chris [00:38:06] Okay. So then you can tell me about the saddest a friend has ever made you or what Olympic sport no longer deserves to be an Olympic sport?

Caller [00:38:15] Oh my gosh. I have no thoughts about that. How about I tell you about something else that was, like, kind of hard for me to go through, but ultimately is not super sad.

Chris [00:38:23] Okay, I guess fuck me and my ideas. Sure.

Caller [00:38:26] I can’t think of a time I can think of one time a friend has hurt me that bad, and if we have time at the end, you can ask me about it again. But the story doesn’t go that far so it’s not that-

Chris [00:38:33] I guess you call all the shots?

Caller [00:38:37] Sure. So let me paint you a picture. It’s 2019. End of 2019. Birthday’s coming. I’m a Sagittarius, so it’s around Christmas time. My cat dies on my birthday.

Chris [00:38:50] Oh, I’m so sorry.

Caller [00:38:52] Oh, thank you. Coming into 2020, right? 2020 New Year’s Eve, I’m like, this is going to be my year. We ended this year so horrible. I’m going to make 2020 my year.

Chris [00:39:03] Yeah. How’d that go?

Caller [00:39:06] Then seven days into 2020, I got hit by a truck.

Chris [00:39:09] What? Hit by a truck? I said no sad shit! I specifically said don’t do it. No. I’m so sorry to hear that.

Caller [00:39:21] It was I was in a really bad car accident is really what it was. I just like to say I got hit by a truck.

Chris [00:39:24] So you you were in a car?

Caller [00:39:26] Yes.

Chris [00:39:26] And what kind of truck? Like a pickup truck or like an 18 wheeler?

Caller [00:39:29] It was like a it was like a brand new, huge GMC truck. It was it was big. And it was lifted and hit me going like 60 miles an hour and I was stopped on the freeway.

Chris [00:39:39] Okay. Were you okay?

Caller [00:39:41] Relatively. The PTSD is not. Um. Spinal injury is here, like healing. Bad whiplash injuries take time. But ultimately, I feel like… you know, two and a half years later, I’m to a point now where I feel like I’m a completely different person, like for the better.

Chris [00:39:59] Okay.

Caller [00:40:01] Because like the last two years has sent me on this, like, crazy healing journey. It’s brought people, like, into my life that like… Or brought people closer, made me realize who maybe I don’t need to be around or… I don’t know. It’s it’s been a really cool journey as much as it’s been really difficult. But it’s been like meaningful.

Chris [00:40:24] That’s good. I’m sorry you went through it, and I’m glad that you grew from it.

Caller [00:40:29] Me too. Me too. But that’s.

Chris [00:40:32] Anything else notable happen in 2020?

Caller [00:40:36] Yes, but it’s going to get more sad.

Chris [00:40:36] What is that noise?

Caller [00:40:39] Just air forcibly coming from my mouth because it’s going to get way more sad if I talk about the rest of 2020, like most people, probably in the audience too. The like, 2020 was really psychologically tough.

Chris [00:40:49] Yeah, I remember. I was mostly joking when I said that.

Caller [00:40:54] Oh, I was like, I was like, maybe don’t. It was like enough that happened in 2020 that when I finally went back to therapy in 2021, I told my therapist, I think I’m cursed. And she was, like after I told her everything, trauma dumped on her, and she was like, she, I was like, I think I’m cursed. And she was like, it doesn’t sound like you’re wrong.

Chris [00:41:12] Wow.

Caller [00:41:14] 2020 was a bit of a doozy.

Chris [00:41:16] Sounds like a bad therapist.

Caller [00:41:20] No, she’s great. She’s actually really great.

Chris [00:41:21] Good. No, sometimes when they’re that honest and raw about it, it’s actually very validating.

Caller [00:41:25] Yeah, I actually prefer them to be really honest and raw about things because…

Chris [00:41:30] My therapist can be a handful, but she’s great.

Caller [00:41:33] I think I heard you talk about her once on an episode you did of, oh what’s it called? We don’t have to get into it because you were talking about an emotional breakdown you had and you ended up in New Jersey somewhere.

Chris [00:41:46] Yeah, that sounds like me. Yeah. Yeah.

Caller [00:41:48] Yeah. You thought you were a ghost or something?

Chris [00:41:51] Yeah, probably. Yeah.

Caller [00:41:53] I don’t remember. It was. Oh, Risk is the name of the podcast.

Chris [00:41:56] Yeah, that’s the one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Caller [00:41:57] And I think that’s how I got to Beautiful/ Anonymous actually was from that. Cuz I was like, this guy’s pretty funny.

Chris [00:42:01] Nice. Thanks.

Caller [00:42:03] I liked that story. And then I made my way to Beautiful/ Anonymous. So.

Chris [00:42:07] Okay. I love it. So how about you tell me the saddest a friend has ever made you? Or you can tell me which Olympic sport you think doesn’t deserve to be an Olympic sport any more. Or you can tell me what you think is the greatest first line of a song ever.

Caller [00:42:25] Oh, my gosh. That’s assuming I can think of a song right now.

Chris [00:42:27] Yeah. I’m putting you on the spot. I’m not known for tossing softballs. Or whatever else you want.

Caller [00:42:43] Um… trying to think… Because I don’t know the Olympics that well. I’m not like an avid Olympics watcher.

Chris [00:42:52] I’m going to say it. I’m going to say it. And I think a lot of us are thinking it. We already got figure skating. Do we need ice dancing?

Caller [00:43:00] Are those separate things?

Chris [00:43:01] Those are separate things.

Caller [00:43:03] Wow. I just found that out now at 30 years old. I didn’t know.

Chris [00:43:07] Yeah.

Caller [00:43:08] I didn’t know. Probably don’t need that then. It feels like they’re too closely related. But maybe there’s an ice dancer in the audience that could beg to differ.

Chris [00:43:17] I’m sure there is someone in the world who could explain to me the intricate differences between ice dancing and figure skating. But do I need to watch them both as a spectator? I don’t think I do.

Caller [00:43:28] Yeah, probably not. Probably not. Maybe I’ll just get the saddest thing a friend has ever done to me, just so it gets it out of the way.

Chris [00:43:36] That or the greatest first line of a song.

Caller [00:43:39] I can’t think of a song right now. And basically, though, the last year of my life, all I’ve been doing is listening to K-Pop. And I don’t speak Korean very well. So.

Chris [00:43:49] Very well. So you do on some level understand Korean?

Caller [00:43:54] Not really.

Chris [00:43:55] Okay.

Caller [00:43:55] I guess I don’t really speak it at all. I watched, like, K-dramas, like, long before I started listening to K-Pop. So there are some things I would say I could, like, understand. But I do not speak Korean.

Chris [00:44:05] So you’re just really into K-Pop? Now do you like the music or are you also into the culture of like freaking out about- because K-Pop has some very famous boy bands too, right? And that’s part of the culture.

Caller [00:44:15] Yeah. Yeah.

Chris [00:44:16] So are you into like following them and freaking out about it a little too? Or is it genuinely, no, the music.

Caller [00:44:21] The music is actually really great. And like going I would say because I went to my first K-Pop concert like a month-sh ago now.

Chris [00:44:29] Who did you see?

Caller [00:44:30] A band called Stray Kids.

Chris [00:44:33] How was it?

Caller [00:44:34] So good. They put on such a good show. And like K-Pop bands, they do it a little differently than like Western artists do where they usually have, you know, Western artists usually have like an opener or something else that takes up time. K-Pop idols go for like the full 3 hours, just them. And just putting on these like really crazy shows.

Chris [00:44:54] And where people are like crying and flipping out?

Caller [00:44:58] Well, yeah, that’s kind of the nature of it.

Chris [00:45:01] Did you cry?

Caller [00:45:03] I didn’t cry. At the concert.

Chris [00:45:07] At the concert. What’s that mean?

Caller [00:45:12] I cried the next day because the Post-Concert depression hit. You know?

Chris [00:45:19] Like, the concert that taking you to such a high high?

Caller [00:45:22] Yeah.

Chris [00:45:22] And then you realized that there was an emotional crash that followed it?

Caller [00:45:25] Oh, yeah.

Chris [00:45:26] Wow. Wow.

Caller [00:45:26] It’s gonna get sad again, but the two weeks coming home has been just as, like, hellish as 2020 was. So… um… It’s just been. It’s just been a lot. So. It was just a lot of overwhelming emotions. In addition to having a really cool experience with my friends and feeling I could just be myself- because that’s what I was going to say about K-Pop. When you go to these events in person um there’s a sense of community that is not there when I’ve been to literally any other concert. That like… um like K-Pop stans are like can be some of the most welcoming people. And because you have that thing in common. Like when you’re standing in lines, people act like you’re already friends. And.

Chris [00:46:11] That’s beautiful.

Caller [00:46:13] Like, I’ve made friends. I made friends with the people sitting behind me. And we still talk, like, every day.

Chris [00:46:18] That’s amazing. Every day?

Caller [00:46:20] I would say, yeah, well, it’s mostly like we’re sending content back and forth, you know? We’re talking about what somebody’s posted. And it’s just fun, that community aspect of it. I have a friend who, um, she left her religion and hadn’t built community in a long time. And when she went to her first concert, like six months ago, she was like, I feel like I found God in the way that like I found like a community.

Chris [00:46:43] K-Pop is her new religion.

Caller [00:46:45] Yeah. Which, honestly, as far as religions go, is as good as any other.

Chris [00:46:50] Could do worse. Could do worse. Yeah.

Caller [00:46:53] Yeah. So. And it’s been actually really fun creatively because I made these, like, really cool t shirts for us to go. And so it’s given me, like, a creative outlet because I’ve been, I have been creating as much. I went to school for art, and so I just created these really cool t shirts. It’s just been it’s been fun, I think. And in like my therapy journey, I’ve needed to heal that inner teenager as well as inner child. And this is fulfilling that. Like, I never felt like, safe enough to fangirl when I was a teenager. I was like, I’m too cool for that. And now I’m like, this is fun. I’m just going to have fun.

Chris [00:47:33] I love that. I have no snarky comments on that. That sounds good.

Caller [00:47:36] Thank you.

Chris [00:47:37] That sounds good. If it’s given you something. All hail K-Pop. That’s great.

Caller [00:47:42] It’s a good time. And Stray Kids was also a really good, really good uh they’re not as poppy. They’re a little more like rap.

Chris [00:47:49] And so that’s more like K-rap?

Caller [00:47:51] I think. Yeah, I think they still identify on like the pop scale of things, but.

Chris [00:47:57] Is there a genre called K-Rap?

Caller [00:47:59] Yeah, there’s K-R&B. There’s like-.

Chris [00:48:02] Did people never read the word K-Rap out loud and I think maybe it’s a bad idea to call it that?

Caller [00:48:07] Yeah, I do it. I, my friend sent her playlist like, kind of when I was first like, oh yeah, just send me a playlist. Because actually how I got started in K-Pop really was I was doing this creative exercise where I had people send me their favorite playlists, like their most curated, their favorite songs ever.

Chris [00:48:22] Okay.

Caller [00:48:23] And then I would listen to the whole thing through, like the entire thing.

Chris [00:48:26] But I was more making the point that it spells out the word “crap.”

Caller [00:48:29] Yeah, I sorry, I’m a long winded storyteller.

Chris [00:48:32] That’s okay.

Caller [00:48:33] So she sent me a K-Rap playlist, and I was like, that sounds like crap. But I like the music, so.

Chris [00:48:38] So we are on the same page.

Caller [00:48:39] That’s how I got started. Yeah, we’re on the same page.

Chris [00:48:41] Okay, so you can tell me the saddest a friend has ever made you, or what you would say is the best first line of any song ever. Or you can tell me for real, what’s the worst you’ve ever broken the law. The Scottish crowd wants that one.

Caller [00:48:59] Oh my gosh.

Chris [00:49:00] (BLEEP) sounds like she knows in the background.

Caller [00:49:02] Have I broken a law?

Old Caller [00:49:03] No, I want to know.

Caller [00:49:07] Have I broken a law… Here’s the deal. This is going to be funny. My dad. When I was like a five year old, I stole a bunch of change from him. And he pretended to call the cops on me. And we live next to a hospital. So we’re having this conversation and I’m like, don’t call the cops, dad. Don’t call the cops. And he’s like, No, I’m calling. You stole. And a helicopter flew over and he’s like, That’s it, the police send a helicopter for you, to which I had an emotional breakdown and have never done anything bad since.

Chris [00:49:44] That sounds like good parenting.

Caller [00:49:46] Yeah. I have never stolen.

Chris [00:49:48] My son is three and he thinks stealing is hilarious and awesome. He thinks it’s really funny and cool to steal. He’s not wrong, you know? He has a good sense of humor about it, but I’ve tried to explain to him, you can’t, you can’t just take things. And he’s like, No, I’m stealing it. I’m like, Oh, so you, you know? And he’s like, Yeah, I’m taking this. It’s not mine. I’m stealing it, Daddy. And he has a big grin on his face when he does it. And I’m like, yeah, more power to ya. That’s kind of fucking awesome. Like, I wish I ever lived without that amount of guilt and overthinking things in my head. But you can’t steal.

Caller [00:50:23] Yeah. I like that he tells you, too. He’s like, I am stealing. You’re like, stealing? You’re supposed to be maybe a little secretive about it.

Chris [00:50:30] So this is going to sound strange, but so I have a very good friend and he comes to the fringe most years. This year he’s only coming for a week. And he’s a professional wrestler. Hisname’s Colt Cabana. He’s a great guy, really good friend of mine for many years now. You know, but he travels around as a wrestler and I travel around as a comedian. So we only see each other once in a blue moon. But when I was here in 2016, we lived together and it was so joyous. And he’s going to be here for a few days. And I told my son the other day, I go, hey, you’re going to meet this friend of mine. He like really means a lot to me, but I don’t get to see him that often. His name’s Colt Cabana, and guess what he does as his job? And I was on face time with Cal, and Cal goes, What? What’s his job? And I go, You know how sometimes there’s wrestlers that we’ve seen on TV? And he’s like, Yeah. I’m like, He’s a wrestler. He’s a professional wrestler. His job is he’s a wrestler. Cal was like, Wow, really? And my wife was in the room with him in Jersey and she goes, He’s really big, Cal, and he has really big muscles. And my little son, three years old, with a straight face, goes… Well, I’m stronger and I’m going to smash him. I was like, what? Where did you get that confidence? This guy could toss you over the fucking castle if he felt like it. He’s huge and you’re tiny. He’s like, No, I’m stronger and I’ll smash him. And I kind of can’t wait for them to meet. What if my son just ficking wrecks shop and smashes Cabana?

Caller [00:51:56] I hope he never loses that confidence.

Chris [00:51:58] Me neither. I actually think about it a lot. I just before the show, I had this thought popped into my head where I go, I got so much anxiety and I can’t let my son feel it. He’s got to be able to just live like that. He’s on this path where I’m like, You’re this confident, happy guy. And that was never my deal. I got to stay out of the way on that.

Caller [00:52:18] Yeah. I love that. Were your parents anxious with you? Like, did they show it to you?

Chris [00:52:24] Yeah, I saw some. I mean, everybody’s got their things. Yeah, my mom, my mom could be a little anxious, and I picked up on it, but.

Caller [00:52:31] Yeah.

Chris [00:52:31] Yeah. For sure.

Caller [00:52:33] Because I feel like you’re really cool that you’re not passing that onto your kid.

Chris [00:52:36] I mean I probably will.

Caller [00:52:37] (UNCLEAR) Anxious person and not like.

Chris [00:52:40] I would love to not do it, but I’m probably going to.

Caller [00:52:44] Yeah, well, everyone’s going to in some way. But I think you’re actively thinking about not doing it is huge.

Chris [00:52:50] Yeah, I hope so. We’ll see. He’s a good kid. Anyway, we got 11 minutes left. Okay, so you can either tell me about the worst of the hardest a friend has ever hurt your feelings, or what you think is the best first line of a song, or we already went over crime. You stole change from your dad when you were five. So instead let’s switch it. You said before that you believe in ghosts. Have you ever encountered one?

Caller [00:53:15] Let me ask you a question first and we can come back to the ghost one.

Chris [00:53:17] Great great.

Caller [00:53:20] Back to the crime thing. Have you ever committed a crime or what crimes would you commit if you knew you couldn’t get caught?

Chris [00:53:27] I’ve definitely committed crimes. Let’s see. What’s what’s one that I can think of? I mean, first of all, I’m from New Jersey, so I drive like a psychopath. I never obey the speed limit.

Caller [00:53:39] I guess I don’t do that either.

Chris [00:53:40] Right there. You got that. Um, I’m trying to think, like, what’s a real crime that I’m willing to say into a microphone in front of a crowd that’s being recorded? Um. Huh? Let’s see. I definite when I was a kid once, I was in Toys’R’Us and they had a candy aisle and I straight up was like, I want candy. I walked in and just started opening shit and eating it right off the shelf. I was probably like nine or ten. I was like, what are they gonna do? That was very out of character for me. Probably an early sign of some mental illness issues, actually, me just being like, Fuck it, let me get in some trouble.

Caller [00:54:17] Intrusive thoughts in there, huh?

Chris [00:54:20] I mean, me and my friend used to drive around when we were at Rutgers and we had gone to the Route 1 flea market and we had bought a blow dart gun, like where you blow a dart. And we used to drive up and shoot them at people because we were psychos. Usually friends of ours. If we like saw a friend walking down the street, we’d attack them with projectile weapons.

Caller [00:54:36] Perfect.

Chris [00:54:37] What else? What other crimes have I committed that I’m willing to share? Um. Yeah. No. Yeah, I was a New Jersey teen in the eighties. We used to just go out and destroy stuff.

Caller [00:54:48] Cool.

Chris [00:54:52] We used to play a game in New Jersey where- this was a good one- that we used to drive into neighboring towns that were nicer than ours. And when they would leave their garbage out, like the garbage cans, the rubbish bins, right? We would play a game where you would one person would hang out of the passenger side window of the car and grab onto the handle of the garbage can. And then the other person would just floor it as hard as they could. And the idea was to hang on and get the garbage can, dragging as much momentum as you can, and then you try to just wing it into a tree or something so it would explode. Or maybe like a parked car or the curb to see it flip over it. We would do that. That was vandalism, right?

Caller [00:55:28] Sounds like it.

Chris [00:55:29] Yeah. That. That would have gotten us arrested if we had been caught.

Caller [00:55:33] Probably. But you were a real rough and tumble teenager, huh? Throwing garbage cans.

Chris [00:55:42] Well, you asked. Don’t gotta make me look like a chump for the answer.

Caller [00:55:48] It actually probably sounds like it would have been a good time.

Chris [00:55:51] It was really fun. It was really fun. I also did almost once- the closest I ever came to getting arrested was I was once in Livingston, New Jersey, and I had to pee. We went to 7-Eleven and I had to pee, so I just peed outside the building. And the cops stopped us. It was me and my friend. The cops caught us and they stopped us and they were like, You come up here from West Orange and you pee on our- how would you like it if I went to your town and peed on buildings in your town? I was like, I probably wouldn’t give a fuck, honestly. I probably wouldn’t care. You know? And then he was like, Oh, you’re getting, like, I was trying to show up for my friend, like, mouthing off. And he’s like, I could legitimately arrest you so just stop being a wise ass. I was like, All right, you’re right. You’re right. But that’s also that’s white privilege right there, right? Mouthing off to a cop as a teenager?

Caller [00:56:35] For sure. But also is a very Gemini thing to do.

Chris [00:56:38] Is it?

Caller [00:56:39] Yes.

Chris [00:56:40] How so? Geminis hate cops?

Caller [00:56:43] No, you’re just witty. That like when you’re put in a corner, what are you going to do? You’re going to make jokes about it.

Chris [00:56:47] Yeah. Okay. We got 7 minutes left.

Caller [00:56:53] Okay.

Chris [00:56:54] What are we thinkin’ here?

Caller [00:56:57] I don’t know, man. What are you thinking? You’re the one with a bunch of eyes on you.

Chris [00:57:01] I’m thinking you gotta put (BLEEP) on the phone for a second.

Caller [00:57:05] Okay.

Old Caller [00:57:05] Oh my gosh. Are you going to bleep my name?

Chris [00:57:08] No. No, I refuse.

Old Caller [00:57:11] Honestly, fair enough.

Chris [00:57:13] No. We’ll bleep it every time. Anita’s going to kill me. But we’ll bleep it every time.

Old Caller [00:57:19] I was so careful. I didn’t like, say, my home town or- anyway.

Chris [00:57:22] It’s okay. Oh, here’s a good thing. Is your friend doxed your name. Is there anything you’d like to dox about your friend in response?

Old Caller [00:57:30] Ooh. Yeah. I feel like she is way more sensitive than she’ll ever let on. And so she’s like being really careful.

Chris [00:57:42] Classic Sagittarius, right?

Old Caller [00:57:43] Yeah, she’s being really careful what she’s saying. I wanted her to spill her guts.

Caller [00:57:47] What did you want me to spill my guts about?

Old Caller [00:57:47] I don’t know. You got secrets probably.

Caller [00:57:50] Probably.

Chris [00:57:54] Tell me something you know about your friend, and then your friend can tell me something about you that you haven’t shared yet. And I want to see what you would both reveal if it was if, if, if it was like, If I were you, I’d talk about blank right now.

Old Caller [00:58:07] Okay. Do you want something like funny or something vulnerable?

Chris [00:58:11] Up to you.

Caller [00:58:13] Okay. The thing about (BLEEP) oops! (CROWD ERUPTS)

Chris [00:58:18] Gethard wins again! Gethard wins again! You think you’re the puppet master, (BLEEP)? I’ve been pulling the strings this whole goddamn time!

Old Caller [00:58:30] Well, then the last 6 minutes. Anyway, I was going to say is the thing about this person is that she is she is really good at lifting other people up and like seeing the strengths in everybody else. But she has a lot of strengths herself, including that which I think is a strength in and of itself, being able to see the like good in everyone around her. But also she’s just like a really strong person with a lot of interests and she like kind of doesn’t apologize for it. And I think that’s cool.

Chris [00:59:05] Okay. Okay. (BLEEP)

Caller [00:59:10] Close.

Old Caller [00:59:10] Close.

Chris [00:59:11] What would you say about (BLEEP)?

Caller [00:59:13] Oh, that was so nice. I think my brain stopped working.

Old Caller [00:59:17] You can say something mean about me. I was mean to him.

Caller [00:59:20] Oh, I don’t have anything mean to say. I will say I have been impressed like the last few months. For as much as you claim you want to avoid things and not look within yourself, you have been really looking at yourself and trying to figure out what is best for you and a way for you to live your most authentic life. And I think that’s cool.

Old Caller [00:59:48] Wait, I’m going to say something about her because I can’t- I’m going to void that she said something nice about me.

Chris [00:59:52] Okay.

Old Caller [00:59:52] She hadn’t been listening to the podcast recently. She introduced it to me. But then I’m trying to talk to her about episodes and she hasn’t been listening.

Chris [01:00:00] Wow. (BLEEP), why did you bail on me? (BLEEP), why’d you bail? Be honest. Let’s get into it.

Caller [01:00:07] It’s not just you, though. Here’s the deal. I’ve been like because I’ve been I don’t know if you’ve done EMDR before in therapy?

Chris [01:00:15] No.

Caller [01:00:15] But it’s a type of repressed reprocessing your trauma. And so it kind of almost like, I don’t know if it’s like it’s for everyone, but it’s like rapid eye movements. You’re like watching… Something moved back and- usually it’s a therapist hand waving back and forth, but it stimulates both sides of your brain to help you reprogram the trauma. So it’s not.

Chris [01:00:39] And this is why you no longer listen to my podcast?

Caller [01:00:42] Now. So I’m getting into it. Give me a sex.

Chris [01:00:43] We have three minutes.

Caller [01:00:43] For me when I do it it’s, it’s like it feels like my body’s back in the trauma. So after therapy, I’m so mentally exhausted that I have a hard time listening to podcasts like the last six months.

Chris [01:01:01] Okay, I can’t get mad about that. I mean, if you’re looking to get out of trouble when your friend is like, yo, my friend doesn’t listen to your shit anymore. If you start saying phrases like, I’ve been reprocessing my trauma, then yeah, I’m not allowed to make any jokes about that.

Caller [01:01:17] I mean, you can make jokes about my childhood trauma if you want. I do it all the time.

Chris [01:01:20] You could also just be like, Yeah, it was good. But then it kind of felt all the episodes kind of would feel similar. So I decided to move on to Joe Rogan or something. Can you imagine if even if all my fans were like, I kind of went more in a Rogan direction. Very unexpected turn as far as my taste. I went from your thoughtful talks with strangers to MMA commentary and weed endorsements and all sorts of political opinions.

Caller [01:01:48] I can’t imagine that the over, like if you looked at it like a Venn diagram of your fans and Joe Rogan’s fans, they would just be two circles. Absolutely no overlap.

Chris [01:01:59] Yeah, probably. Probably not too much. Probably not too much. Okay. We have a minute and 45 seconds left. What’s a thing that you’ve done in life that you’ll never tell your children about someday, if you should have them?

Caller [01:02:22] I can’t think of anything. I’m like, I it’s not that I’m a boring person because I think the things I like are really cool. But as far as, like, doing things that would get me in trouble? Never.

Chris [01:02:31] So tell me about one of the cool things that you haven’t brought up yet. We got a minute.

Caller [01:02:36] What’s a cool thing I’ve done?

Chris [01:02:38] Hey (BLEEP). You’ve done great so far, but I’m now going to put a lot of pressure on you and say there’s a lot of crowd staring at me and you need to stick the fucking landing. And that’s on you.

Caller [01:02:56] I can’t think of a cool thing I’ve done right now because I’m like, on the spot and we have a minute left.

Chris [01:02:59] Okay.

Caller [01:03:01] But something I would try to encourage, like something I wish people knew, is sitting with what you don’t know is actually the most helpful thing I think you can do for your healing journey. Like, there’s a lot of questions you’re like, I don’t know, man, like I don’t know the answer to that. But like sitting with I just don’t know and letting that- and not questioning yourself why you don’t know, just like letting yourself feel it, that’s the most helpful thing I’ve had on my healing journey. And I would encourage other people to do that too.

Chris [01:03:28] That’s a very nice, warm thought.

Caller [01:03:32] Do you want to end with a chaotic thought? I don’t know what seconds we have left.

Chris [01:03:35] Got 18 seconds if you want to throw some chaos in at the tail end, I wouldn’t argue with it.

Caller [01:03:40] Well, you put it on me. I was expecting a random question.

Chris [01:03:43] Oh, 10 seconds. What’s uh what’s, I don’t know.

Caller [01:03:51] You’ve got to stick the landing, Chris!

Chris [01:03:53] What’s the craziest thing you’ve done sexually? Well, we’re out of time. I don’t know. Okay, we just hit zero. Thank you so much (BLEEP) and (BLEEP) for calling in for an evening of completely random ADHD chaos. Caller, thank you so much for calling. Thanks for analyzing my birth chart. Thanks for putting your psychic abilities on display. Thanks for involving your friend from last week. Thanks for throwing me for so many loops and allowing it to be so much fun. I want to thank Andrew out in Scotland who engineered the show. I want to thank Andrea, who is in New Jersey, coordinating callers. And of course, Anita Flores who produces the show, Ryan Connor, who engineers the show. Our theme song is by Shellshag. Go to ChrisGeth.com if you want to know more about me including my live dates. And remember, the 14th and 15th, Atlanta, Athens, I’m doing some stand up. I’ll see you there. And hey, wherever you’re listening right now, there’s a button that says subscribe, favorite, follow. Something like that. Hit that button. Helps us so much. And if you want merch like shirts and stuff like that, podswag.com. Check it out. If you want the episodes ad free, you want access to tons of other shows ad free? Stitcher Premium, okay? Use the promo code “stories”. You get a one month free trial. That’s Stitcher.com/premium.