EP. 357 — Diarrhea In Burning Buildings (Live From Pittsburgh)

Chris [00:00:05] Hello, Bottle Rocket Social Hall in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. This Beautiful/Anonymous, one hour, one phone call, no names, no holds barred. Hi everybody. Chris Gethard here and welcome to another episode of Beautiful Anonymous. Thanks to everybody who came out and saw me do stand up in Montana. Never been to Montana before. Did Bozeman, Missoula. Thanks to everybody who was there. And guess what, everybody? I don’t have too many shows to bother you about. Not until March. ChrisGeth.com. If you want to know, I’m doing shows in Michigan and Illinois, Missouri, Richmond, Virginia, Washington, D.C. Those are all in March. But don’t have to belabor the point too much right now cuz none of that is this week. You know, it is this week? It’s a great episode of the show. This was a live episode we just did in Pittsburgh a couple of weeks back. The space called Bottle Rocket Social Hall, which, by the way, if you’re a comedy fan in Pittsburgh, that is a special place. You should go support whoever they have coming through. They’re building something extremely cool there. And we were so lucky to do a call and we were so lucky to get this caller. This call, it’s even hard to say what it’s about. A lot of them I could say in a sentence or two here’s ostensibly what this one’s about, but this one went in a whole bunch of different directions. Some of those directions were very silly. Then along the way, there were some moments that got sad. There were some moments that got grim. There’s some talk of suicidal thoughts in there. There’s also a story about doing diarrhea in a burning building. So this one really has it all. Really kept me on my toes, made me roll with the punches in a big way. And I felt so lucky to be talking to the caller. I feel so lucky that you all support the show. And guess what? We’re going to be making the official announcement soon. I’m going to feel really lucky if some of you come to Brooklyn in May for Beautiful Conononymous, which is back. Details to follow very soon. In the meantime, sit back. Enjoy this call. 

Voicemail Robot [00:02:23] Thank you for calling Beautiful/ Anonymous. A beeping noise will indicate when you are on the show with the host. 

Chris [00:02:30] Hello! Caller, are you there? 

Caller [00:02:35] Is that, is that the live feed? Do I hear it now? 

Chris [00:02:37] Yeah, I think you do. 

Caller [00:02:39] Oh, wow. This is amazing. Let me tell you that right now. Do you know I have been listening to your show for, like, seven years now? I never, ever thought I’d ever actually get on it though. Uh oh, I lost everyone again. 

Chris [00:02:54] What is going on? 

Caller [00:02:56] I don’t know what is going on? I- 

Chris [00:02:58] I pray that you’re just fucking with me for the crowd. There’s a part of me that thinks you’re doing this to be an asshole. 

Caller [00:03:03] I’m just. Just fucking with ya. 

Chris [00:03:05] Are you really?! 

Chris [00:03:10] Oh, that was really mean to me. But, man, it made them like you. That was really mean to me. And they totally loved it. Holy shit. That was cold. 

Caller [00:03:23] Well, you know, I’m a little bit of a cold person sometimes, with a very warm heart. 

Chris [00:03:28] You seem like a real trickster is what you seem like. 

Caller [00:03:31] I definitely can be. Now, that is for certain. 

Chris [00:03:34] I always like it when it seems real- I love when a good live show seems like it could really blow up in my face. And that’s how I’m feeling right now. 

Caller [00:03:44] Oh, well, that’s the best part is that whenever something blows up in your face, that’s when you know who you are. 

Chris [00:03:51] I cannot stress this hard enough. I love your vibe. What is your deal? Tell me everything. 

Caller [00:04:02] Everything about me. Hmmm… There’s a lot of stuff to talk about. I mean, I’ve had a pretty long lived and very interesting life. 

Chris [00:04:13] Okay. 

Caller [00:04:14] I was born one gender. I became another gender. Let’s see here. What else? I’ve been in burning buildings. I’ve had diarrhea and burning buildings. I’ve saved lives. I’ve traveled around. I’ve gone really fast on interstates. Probably too fast. Let’s see here. I have a lot of people in my house right now with me, but they’re all over there playing D&D. So that’s what I was going to go do, too. But then I somehow got on the show somehow. I have no idea how that managed to happen. So. 

Chris [00:04:53] So when you saved the life, was that from the burning building and was that while doing the diarrhea? 

Caller [00:05:01] No, I’ve never actually gotten a body out of a burning building. And thankfully, I’ve never found a body in a burning building either. But no, the diarrhea was is that we were called to this fire and we were putting it out, mopping it up. It was all up in the upstairs on the second floor. And I just happened to needed to get the shits. And I went down to the chief and the chief was like, Hey, why don’t you just go use the toilet downstairs? I’m like, Okay. So while while the fire was raging upstairs, I was downstairs shitting in a toilet. And let me tell you, putting on all that fire gear and then taking it off to take a shit and then once you’re done having to put it back on is one of the most disgusting feelings in the world. 

Chris [00:05:56] So I take it you’re a firefighter? 

Caller [00:05:58] I used to be. 

Chris [00:05:59] Used to be. 

Caller [00:06:00] Volunteer. Volunteer. 

Chris [00:06:01] Yeah. That’s cool. I’m a volunteer ambulance driver. 

Caller [00:06:05] Are you? 

Chris [00:06:05] I am. I am. 

Caller [00:06:07] Wow. 

Chris [00:06:08] Yeah. 

Caller [00:06:10] How often do you do that? 

Chris [00:06:11] Every Tuesday night I drive the ambulance, and I’ve been doing it since March, and I really love it. Although I will tell you- oh, I don’t want to be the- you’re full of such fun energy. I, I, for the first time this week, brought someone to the hospital and I found out that after they got there, they passed away. And my head’s been really messed up by that. 

Caller [00:06:33] Yeah, it can definitely be something of a headspace ruiner and make you definitely think about the terminality of all our conditions. 

Chris [00:06:42] Yeah, but it also makes you think about the thing I keep finding myself thinking about is dignity. When you start, when you see people up close who are under duress, especially people who are older, you realize the end of life takes away your dignity. And part of the job of the people in the infrastructure, like firefighters, and I think- I don’t put myself in this class- the EMT’s who I see who works so much harder than I do, and the paramedics who show up, I go, oh, they bring back so much dignity to situations where there’s not much inherent dignity. And I’m really blown away by it. 

Caller [00:07:14] I would totally agree with that. Very much so. Having still working in the health care field, I definitely see them coming in with what little dignity that they believe they have and we just try and build them back up. And I always try and ask them their stories too, because it is amazing the stories that you get out of people who have lived a good amount of time on this earth. And sometimes there’s stories that you would never even imagine coming out from this person, and you’re like, What? You did that? No way. 

Chris [00:07:49] Yeah. So you’ve seen a lot and you’ve done a lot. 

Caller [00:07:54] I would like to think so. I have definitely done quite a bit of things for sure. I don’t know how I’ve managed to live this long in life, honestly, but I’m still kicking it. 

Chris [00:08:04] How old are you? Can I ask? 

Caller [00:08:07] I am 38, approaching 39 pretty soon. And yeah, once you hit those ages, you’re just like, Fuck, my life is half over. What the fuck do I want to do now? 

Chris [00:08:19] I know that feeling. I know that feeling. 

Caller [00:08:23] And then after I get that feeling and everything, I just go upstairs and I just scratch my ass for a while and I’m like, Oh, that feels pretty good. I’ll just continue doing that. 

Chris [00:08:31] So you’re saying that when you dwell on mortality and you start to stress out and think about, has this all been a waste? Have I made the right choices? Nice little ass scratch solves a lot of problems. 

Caller [00:08:41] Hey, don’t dis and ass scratch. 

Chris [00:08:44] Did I dis? Never! 

Caller [00:08:46] No. No, you did not. No, you did not. I’m just saying you’re on thin ground there. Warning. Warning shot. 

Chris [00:08:49] I’ll watch my back. I get the sense that you’re a very nice person. But I don’t get the sense that I want you mad at me. 

Caller [00:08:59] You’re probably correct. I don’t get mad easily, though. But once I do get pissed off, it’s not pretty. 

Chris [00:09:07] Sure, sure. 

Caller [00:09:09] I’ve never slashed tires or anything though. I haven’t gotten that far. 

Chris [00:09:12] Okay. You did say you did note that you have driven too fast on interstates and we’ve all kind of I feel like we’ve all driven above the speed limit. So for you to point it out specifically, I’m wondering if there’s a specific story there. 

Caller [00:09:28] Not really any specific story. I just happen to have a new car that was a little vroom vroom. And I was like, Oh, let’s just see what this does. And so I wide opened it and got it up to like 147 miles an hour on the freeway. 

Chris [00:09:42] Were you in Germany? 

Caller [00:09:44] Nope. This was in central Illinois. 

Chris [00:09:48] 147 miles an hour?! 

Caller [00:09:52] And let me tell you, your life blinks like that. 

Chris [00:09:59] Let’s pause there. 147 miles an hour. That’s really flying by. Sometimes you got to just pause. Slow down. In fact, why don’t we do that right now with some advertisements? We’ll be right back. Thanks to all the advertisers that help Beautiful Anonymous exist. Now, let’s get back to the phone call. 

Caller [00:10:27] And let me tell you, your life blinks like that. 

Chris [00:10:33] Wow. I tell you, I don’t disparage any place. I think all places have character and great people in them. But I have driven through central and southern Illinois many times in my life and I will say, people there, they don’t they don’t care if they live or die, like they- that place at that place is culturally, that is a particular pocket of this country. 

Caller [00:10:56] No, no. I declare my time there as my my period of living in hell. 

Chris [00:11:04] Wow. 

Caller [00:11:05] It was about nine years living in hell there before I moved on to greener pastures. 

Chris [00:11:10] Now I want to- I am admittedly a guy in his forties who learns as much as he can along the way while doing this job. And I do want to just make sure so that I have it in my head, I would love to know your pronouns just to make sure I have the correct ones. 

Caller [00:11:28] I go by she/ her. I have made my outtie into an innie, so… 

Chris [00:11:39] Awesome. That’s cool. That’s cool. 

Caller [00:11:43] I think so. 

Chris [00:11:43] Yeah. I think it’s very cool. I think it’s very cool. I’ve also never heard it phrased exactly like that and I don’t know if I’m allowed to be giggling, but I am. So I hope that’s okay because you made me laugh witht he innie outtie thing for sure. 

Caller [00:11:59] That’s fine. It’s all okay. 

Chris [00:12:02] Yeah. Yeah. 

Caller [00:12:04] So I have a joke for you. 

Chris [00:12:06] Okay. 

Caller [00:12:06] It’s only one joke. It’s really stupid, but I want to say it anyway. What do you call a fish that does brain surgery? 

Chris [00:12:15] Let me see. What do you call a…fish that does brain surgery… A surgeon sturgeon? 

Caller [00:12:25] Oh, so close. So close. 

Chris [00:12:26] A neurosturgeon? 

Caller [00:12:28] A neurosturgeon! You got it. 

Chris [00:12:36] Got any other jokes you want to try to stump my ass with? 

Caller [00:12:40] No. My partner in the other room is the one that’s better at those, but they’re, they’re all a little gun shy of getting on the on the open mic here. 

Chris [00:12:49] That’s fair. 

Caller [00:12:51] I’ve tried, like, multiple times, like, hey, hey, hey, hey, why don’t you come, come, come over, say hi, say hi. None of them. None of them take up the offer. 

Chris [00:12:58] Well, they’re also busy on a quest right now. And who am I to who am I to interrupt a killer D&D game? I’ve dabbled myself over the years, and you really got to commit. You can’t be bothered by some podcaster. 

Caller [00:13:10] I mean, you’re not wrong, but I… But I’ve been trying to get on this damn show for seven years now, so. 

Chris [00:13:19] Oh yeah, nice. 

Caller [00:13:19] So I just. I had to take take a break and be like, I’m just going to go over here for a while, you guys, you guys go play with your elven dainties or whatever. 

Chris [00:13:28] Well, the crowd’s liking you so far. Justin says, This is a great call. Oh, Kat wants to know if you know Parade Girl, which is a reference to a recent thing on the show where I have a nemesis who’s been getting callers on the line. Are you acquainted with Parade Girl? 

Caller [00:13:42] I am not acquainted with Parade Girl. 

Chris [00:13:43] Okay, that’s good. Looks like I win this time, Parade Girl. Beth says, I too love your vibe, caller. So people are feeling it. People are feeling it. 

Caller [00:13:55] Cool. Cool. 

Chris [00:13:56] What else would you like to talk about? I kind of want to just follow whatever direction you lead this in. 

Caller [00:14:01] Sure, sure. I got a question for you. And my question is one that is kind of makes you think. But I always ask this to everyone because it’s very interesting what people’s reactions are to it. But, Chris, if that is your name… Who are you? 

Chris [00:14:23] Ooohh. Do you want to know my real honest reaction that I stifled? 

Caller [00:14:30] Well, yes, I do. Of course I do. 

Chris [00:14:31] And I wonder if other people have ever reacted like this. My honest reaction was like, Ooh, fuck off with that. Who am- you want me to say who I am in front of a bunch of people into a microphone? Fuck right off with that. And that’s kind of my whole job. Do you ever get people feeling defensive like that, or am I the first? 

Caller [00:14:56] Oh, no, no. All, yeah. I get people that feel defensive all the time. It’s it’s a quite an aggressive question, and it took me a while to figure that out because it’s one of those things I think about, like all the fucking time. So when other people are like, I’ve never thought about that. I’m like, how? How have you never thought of this? And it just, it just blows my mind that, that people are out there that just go about their lives and they’re somehow chill and cool with not knowing who they are. And I’m a little jealous and envious of that because it seems like a very peaceful time. 

Chris [00:15:28] Yeah. Yeah. Who am I? I’m aiming- okay, I’ll try to give an honest answer. Let’s see, I… I think I’m, uh… I think if I had to say who I am, I would say I’m a person who early on kind of felt like I was watching society instead of participating in it. And I think I’ve tried to shake that a number of times over the years, but I think I still sort of feel like somebody just on the outskirts of things that are happening, watching them, feeling slightly confused by them, trying to sort them out, wondering if it’s okay that I never have totally felt like I found a place in the world and trying to do my best to make some things that selfishly give me a little bit of a firmer footing in that uncertainty and maybe help me find the other people who also feel like they are kind of flitting around the edges of a society that makes more sense to everyone else than it does to them. I think that’s who I am. And that’s okay. 

Caller [00:16:35] That’s one of the best answers I’ve ever received. 

Chris [00:16:38] Thank you so much. I would also just say, at the end of the day, there’s another big part of my life story now, which is happily, much simpler and cheesy, but I’ll just say it. I’m also just Cal’s dad. And that’s a really good thing to be. 

Caller [00:16:52] There you go. 

Chris [00:16:54] I’m just a dad to this kid. 

Caller [00:16:58] Well, backing up to that a little bit, do you feel like anyone knows where their place is?

Chris [00:17:07] Hmm. I do. I don’t know. I’m kind of with you. I’m, I. I sort of do- you sometimes meet people where you go, even, I don’t know, like even in school when I was a kid I’m like it just kind of seems like everybody else is content with this idea that we got to wake up this early and and these adults get to tell us how things work, but sometimes they’re wrong and they don’t want to admit it. And you see things that are happening unfairly. I’ve always gotten the sense that there were some people who were like, Oh yeah, great, this works great for me. And I never understood it. But I also feel like if you talk to any individual human being, they’d be like, No, I don’t know what’s going on at any given time. So I think a lot of us have this sense that other people are content, but on an individual level, I don’t know that I have yet to meet anybody who feels content. I think that’s fair to say. This is getting way more philosophical than I thought. We were talking about diarrhea in the beginning. 

Caller [00:18:06] Well, you know, diarrhea and tealeaves have the same thing in common. They’re both brown. 

Chris [00:18:20] Been doing this show for seven years and I’ve never known less how to react than to that statement. 

Caller [00:18:29] Well, a lot of people don’t really know how to react to me. So just get in the line. 

Chris [00:18:35] Listen, there’s a lot of ways we- diarrhea and tea leaves have a lot of common. They they both they’re both very watery. There’s a lot of things we could say here. 

Caller [00:18:44] You can also see very interesting squiggles in them, too. And sometimes, sometimes you’ll see a kernel of truth. Anyway, next time you have diarrhea, look in the bowl and see what you see. Maybe you’ll see your future. 

Chris [00:19:18] You are a true delight. A truly delightful experience speaking to you tonight. I love it. Who are you? You asked me who I am. Who are you? 

Caller [00:19:33] Who am I? Well, I’ve always said that I am the amalgamation of identities that have come before me and that I cannot exist without them. And they can never be remembered without me. As for who I am, that changes on a daily, weekly, monthly, yearly basis. I don’t believe there is any set identity of who I am outside of maybe my profession and a few core beliefs and ideas that are integral to me. But… You’re never the same, right? You’re always changing. 

Chris [00:20:09] Yeah. 

Caller [00:20:10] And if you’re not changing, you’re dead. 

Chris [00:20:15] Yeah, that’s true. You know what I’ve been thinking a lot about lately, and I have a feeling you might have some thoughts on this and some insight into it. I hit a certain point of age where I’ve now been doing this thing that I’ve caught myself doing a lot where I now am judging my life choices… Not… I’m 42 years old now. And I will say… There are less things that make me mad in a way that puts a chip on my shoulder that drives me or motivates me. So I find that a lot of my choices these days are not driven by feelings I have, but I sit here and go, what choice would 19 year old me be proud if I made right now? And I’m starting to think back to who I was when I had these really strong, sometimes angry convictions. And what you said just reminded me of that. But I feel a little bit more directionless now, or maybe just a little bit more at peace. But I’m finding that for my life choices to not be paralyzed, I have to think back and go 19, 20, 21 year old me. What would he think? What would 27 year old me think? What would the 30 year old me think? What would 32 year old me think? I start to place myself in other times when I remember having stronger feelings to guide me now. 

Caller [00:21:40] You know what they would say? You know what they would say, right? 

Chris [00:21:44] What’s that? 

Caller [00:21:45] They would say, You’re a boring old man. But that’s okay, because that means you’re happy. 

Chris [00:21:56] This shit is wild. 

Caller [00:21:59] Yeah. Does that mean… People who do crazy shit, right? I mean, most of the time they’re trying to find something. They’re trying to find a thrill or they’re trying to find something to escape from. So to be boring and old, you must be content and happy with something. Right? 

Chris [00:22:23] Maybe. Who knows? Who knows? I think there’s probably truth to that. I think I’m pretty happy compared to any other area in my life. And it also means that I don’t really know what to do with my time or decisions anymore. I gotta think back to young me for that. Let’s hear some reactions, okay? HappyKids721 says, Caller, Chris has removed his glasses three times since the start of your call. Niles says, Okay. But even after you die, you are still changing, right? Dirt, worm, tree, petroleum, etc.. Glenwa says, A kernel of truth, especially after a Thanksgiving dinner. Written by Caitlyn says, Didn’t expect to cry tonight. Welcome to a Chris Gethard Show. Niles also says, Empathizing with caller 1,000% with these people who don’t ever think about who they are. How? And Matt also asked, Who are you? A lot of people asked, Who are you? All right. Caller, you’re kind of making everybody trip out. I feel weirdly like I’m on drugs and I don’t do drugs. You make me feel like I’m on drugs. That’s high praise for you, caller. 

Caller [00:23:35] Cool. I like it. I like it. I like it. 

Chris [00:23:40] Can I ask you a question that might be sensitive? And if it is in any way offensive, we can move on. And also, I also offer you- reserve the right to just call me out if I’m being a dummy. 

Caller [00:23:50] Eh, you don’t know me. Ask away. 

Chris [00:23:52] Well, I find it very interesting on a basic level that you are someone who you say you’re not just me, that you ask a lot of people who are you? And then they ask you, Who are you back? And you have this philosophy that life is always changing. So how can you even really answer who you are right? I can’t help but also wonder, you’re somebody who transitioned. And there is a part of me that feels like… One thing that I really admire about some of the trans friends in my life, or some of the non-binary friends, people define themselves in different ways, is I feel like… A lot of… I feel a great amount of admiration that there are people who thought long and hard about who they are and made conscious decisions to embrace that and make it their truth. And you are someone who transitioned, who seems to spend a lot of times asking people about their truth. And I’m wondering if those things go hand in hand or if this is a bit of a reach on my end. But it does stand out. 

Caller [00:25:02] It’s hard to say. I think you are reaching more into a maybe subconscious thought than maybe I’m even aware of. 

Chris [00:25:10] Mm hmm. Mm hmm. 

Caller [00:25:13] I mean, to transition is to basically say your whole life is now x null and void, and you are now going into a whole new realm and world of possibilities. I mean, from when I started transitioning to what they do nowadays, I mean, there’s so many more avenues open for people, and it’s great to see. It was a little bit more binary when I started. But it comes to a point when you look at your life and you’re just completely depressed and upset. And you come to this realization that you either got to change something or you just got to kill yourself. Because there’s no other other viable option anymore. 

Chris [00:26:10] That’s a very real answer. 

Caller [00:26:16] So. I chose the latter because eventually I’ll be just a mound of worms anyway, so might as well see what else is out there. 

Chris [00:26:27] Yeah. I do sometimes think about that with… You know, when you see- and transphobia is still so blatant, you know, like I inhabit the world of comedy, it’s all over comedy, you know? And I can’t help but- first of all, just to go on record and say, I find it extremely disappointing as someone who’s been in the comedy community for many years of of of… How I feel like there are so many people who go to that well and there’s a lack of good faith in them going there and they know it. And it’s- we should all be better than that, you know? But I’ll also say too, when you think about transphobia, I do feel like there’s something so… I think there’s something that, you know, smarter people than I have probably talked about a lot. But at the end of the day, I think a person who has decided to fundamentally pursue a truth that alters everyone else’s perception of who they are so that they can feel more like themselves, there’s a lot of bravery in that because it’s a lonely thing. And it’s a thing that brings with it danger. It’s a thing that invites hate and ignorance. And it’s it’s very brave. It’s very brave. And like you said, it’s a survival necessity in many people’s cases. But I have to imagine that a lot of the people who are hateful and buy into that are people who fundamentally also don’t want to look into the mirror and think about who they are. And that’s got to be a scary- like that must seem like to someone who sits here and goes, I’m not ready to think about who I am and my internal thought process and what it means, to see someone else do that so fully that it physically presents itself, that must be very, very scary to someone in that in that position. And I have to imagine it’s the root of a lot of hate. 

Caller [00:28:22] I’m sure it is. I’m more than 100% sure that that has a lot of hate. And a lot of hate even comes from those who, you know, they just deny themselves that this might be them too, you know? 

Chris [00:28:41] Yeah. Yeah. 

Caller [00:28:43] So you take it as it is. Along my transition, I’ve lost majority of my friends, majority of my family. And in the ashes you make a new one. 

Chris [00:28:57] Do you feel happier now? Do you feel better? 

Caller [00:29:01] Most of the time. Most of the time. 

Chris [00:29:03] That’s beautiful. 

Caller [00:29:05] There. There are definitely days, but yeah, for the most. Most of the time, I would say that life has improved by quite a factor. 

Chris [00:29:15] That’s very good. I’m very happy to hear it. So when you play D&D, what type of character do you like to play? 

Caller [00:29:26] Usually I like to play some sort of character that can do things nonviolently and just be a total fuck around. 

Chris [00:29:38] That’s sounds like. 

Caller [00:29:40] Hole charm person. Put some grease on the ground, you know. 

Chris [00:29:45] Now you tell me honestly to the people you play with, that sounds like it’s either a very, very fun piece of the puzzle or so annoying to have you as part of the party. 

Caller [00:29:56] I don’t know. I have no idea. Hey, guys? Am I- am I- Am I a fun part of the party or an annoying part of the party?

Chris [00:30:07] D&D specific. And then we’ll ask about regular parties. 

Caller [00:30:10] Yes. Okay. Very nice. Thank you. Thank you. All right, Well, the answer is yes. So. 

Chris [00:30:16] To what? 

Caller [00:30:20] Exactly. 

Chris [00:30:21] You can’t do that! 

Caller [00:30:24] What? 

Chris [00:30:25] You can’t say yes. It doesn’t tell me which option. 

Caller [00:30:27] Well, that’s what they told me. They just said yes. 

Chris [00:30:30] But you gave them two options! 

Caller [00:30:32] And I must be both options. 

Chris [00:30:35] God damn, you won again. 

Caller [00:30:40] I’m loud, annoying and fun. Okay. 

Chris [00:30:42] Loud, annoying and fun. I love that. I love that. I think I’ve been called annoying. Most people don’t label me as loud or funny, to be honest with you. But there are people, especially people on the Internet, that tell me I’m annoying. Anyway, this is life. This is what we deal with. Hey, I have broken the momentum. Let’s do some ads. Thanks again to all of our advertisers. Now, let’s finish off the phone call. 

Caller [00:31:16] I’m loud, annoying and fun. Okay. 

Chris [00:31:18] Loud, annoying and fun. I love that. I love that. We’ve got 32 minutes left. 

Caller [00:31:26] Oh, fantastic. 

Chris [00:31:27] Big chunk of time right there. Any other things you want? Any other bombs you want to drop to blow all our minds? 

Caller [00:31:32] Bombs To drop. Bombs to drop. 

Chris [00:31:36] Also written by Caitlin says, Sending love to caller from a non-binary person at the beginning of my transition. Glennwod says, Peace cleric or Druid confirmed. Van says, Fuck J.K. Rowling. I love that. Niles says- 

Caller [00:31:53] You know, I’m so sad about J.K. Rowling. You know, she made this great story, this great book series, and then she just had to go and fuck it up. 

Chris [00:32:03] Yeah. It is a real bummer. It is a real bummer. 

Caller [00:32:07] Oh, well, speaking of that, can you guess, just because I want to do this, can you guess what house I would be in if we were talking about Harry Potter? 

Chris [00:32:20] I’m now going to reveal something about myself that people are going to be shocked by. 

Caller [00:32:27] You’re a Hufflepuff. 

Chris [00:32:28] I’ve never read a Harry Potter book or seen any of the movies. Wow people are thrilled. I’m getting fist pumps! Holy shit! I had no idea there was such an anti Harry Potter wing of society! Usually people are like, How could you not read them? Those books were great when they came out. 

Caller [00:32:47] So the books were great. But I will tell you, spoiler alert, I’m sure who cares? But I was so disappointed with the ending of that series because I, because goddammit, Harry Potter should have stayed dead. Because that was part of the whole thing. 

Chris [00:33:05] I’ve- this is the first I’ve heard that he died. No idea what you’re talking about. You could be straight up lying right now, and I’ll walk around my whole life being like, That’s crazy that they brought Harry Potter back. 

Caller [00:33:19] Yeah, he came, he came back like Jesus. 

Chris [00:33:21] Oh, wow. Okay. 

Caller [00:33:22] Yeah. Yeah. 

Chris [00:33:23] Is that true? 

Caller [00:33:24] Holes and everything. Holes in his hands, everything. 

Chris [00:33:27] He had holes in his hands? They gave Harry Potter stigmata? 

Caller [00:33:31] Yeah. 

Chris [00:33:31] No way they did that. Did they really do that? Everyone just shrugged. All these grown ups are like, we don’t- we don’t give a fuck. Sorry. All these grownups were like, this is our Saturday night date night, dude. I don’t need to fill you in on the plot points of Harry Potter. 

Caller [00:33:50] Bra. Come on. Know your- know, know your Harry. 

Chris [00:33:55] Yeah, I have no idea what house I am. 

Caller [00:33:56] Chris? Chris. 

Chris [00:33:57] Yeah. Yeah, I’m listening, caller. What? 

Caller [00:33:58] How hairy are you? 

Chris [00:34:04] How Harry as in how much like Harry Potter or you asking legitimately how Harry am I? No one’s ever asked me that ever in my life. 

Caller [00:34:12] Take it however you wish. 

Chris [00:34:15] I would say that I have… Someone in the front row is yelling, No. Doesn’t want me to discuss my body hair. 

Caller [00:34:27] We all have it. It’s great. It’s fine.

Chris [00:34:29] I would say that I have… I would say that I have a respectable amount of body hair that sometimes takes on… It’s- I don’t know. It’s grown in a weird pattern. I trim the pubes, but don’t totally shave them. I’m trying to be honest here. I do some manscaping, but I don’t go bald. That’s how hairy I am. 

Caller [00:34:59] Respectable. 

Chris [00:35:03] What’s that? 

Caller [00:35:05] Respectable. 

Chris [00:35:06] Yeah. I just felt like at a certain point, get in there, clean it up man, you know? 

Caller [00:35:11] Yeah, seriously, I. I totally agree with that, because. So I know. I know some some women just love all that fucking hair everywhere, especially those beards, you know, that go down to, like, their balls. But, um. Yeah, a little manscaping does not hurt. At all. 

Chris [00:35:31] I mean, certainly. I mean, I lived in New York City, the five boroughs- I think there was a lot and a lot of. I don’t know, though. I mean, we’re out in the Rust Belt right now. There might be something about like, No, masculinity. Must care. Who knows? I want everybody to hit up this hashtag right now with opinions on this. I can’t believe it’s been seven years and this is I think the first time we’ve ever discussed pubic hair maintenance. I’m so glad it’s in a setting where I can look people in the eye, as there are some people actively laughing and also shouting approval and other people I hear them going, Nooo that we’re even talking about this. But caller, it’s your call to define, so if you want to torture the people of Pittsburgh who are not into pubic hair talk, I am way into that. Let’s see. Niles says, hirsute over here. Ben says, Caller has the sass of a Slitherin and the heroism of a Gryffindor and I’m here for it. Cat says, Big fan of hair. Fawn says, You’re a Ravenclaw. Niles says, I get more grief because I read up to book three and was like, This is boring. Cat says, I’m definitely a Hufflepuff. Corey says, You’re a Hufflepuff, and I’m going to hit refresh and see if any if any body hair opinions are coming in. That is so funny to me. Written says, Oh, here we go… Written by Caitlin, who- you’ve been crushing your contributions tonight- says, My ex trimmed his pubes with kitchen scissors. 

Caller [00:37:03] That’s terrible. 

Chris [00:37:04] Terrible. Absolutely unforgivable. 

Caller [00:37:08] Now, the question is, where they dull? 

Chris [00:37:11] Written by Caitlin, let us know how dull they were via the hashtag. 

[00:37:16] Oh, that reminds me. That reminds me. 

Chris [00:37:17] If you may, caller, hold your thought one second because I also need to know, where these decommissioned from kitchen use? Like these were old kitchen scissors, right? That you were going to throw out, and they repurposed them for pubic scissors? You’re not telling me that they went back on the knife rack in the scissor holder and that somebody is out there cutting the top off a fucking piece of produce at some point and it also happens to be for the pubes. I need to know more details on this, Written by Caitlin. Okay, caller, your thought, you said that reminds me. 

Caller [00:37:46] I saw a hair in my soup. So anyway. Yeah. That reminds me that I keep like briefing my, well one of my partners about how they need to trim their frickin nose hairs. And I keep coming at them and I keep wanting to just pluck it out with my fingers. And one of these days, I’m going to get ’em. One of these days. One of these days. 

Chris [00:38:11] Justin says, Ravenclaw. And trim. Niles says, Pubic scissors. Where to buy? You I mean, you can get pubic shavers, I think, at any popular drugstore chain right now. Or even like the smalls, right? Those small scissors that you leave in, I don’t know, let’s say, like, a… 

Caller [00:38:28] Just get those needle thread scissors. They’d work fine. 

Chris [00:38:31] Yeah. I mean, I don’t know those might- those are a little small, and I don’t. I don’t know if you could quite rely on the control. 

Caller [00:38:37] They’re so you can make a piece of art. 

Chris [00:38:42] Written by Caitlin asks, answered none of the specific questions asked, and instead just summed it all up by saying, He lived at his mom’s. And that is, we now know it was his mom’s kitchen scissors that he was trimming his pubes with. You know how to pick ’em, Caitlin. You know how to pick a partner right there. 

Caller [00:39:01] Oh, well, okay. To be fair, was this, how old? You know, because 18, 19, you could give him some leeway, but like, 43? Maybe not. 

Chris [00:39:11] Caitlin, do you just want to come up here for a second to fill us in on the situation? Is that okay with you, caller, if we take a little tangent? 

Caller [00:39:17] You go right ahead. 

Chris [00:39:18] You don’t have to if you don’t want to, Caitlin. But if you want to come up and just let us go, Come on up. Come on up. Now, this has only happened one other time at a call in Detroit, I think, where people started storming the stage. Hello. How are you? Thank you for being here. So we need to know- a round of applause. You’ve been crushing it so hard. So how old was this partner? 

Caitlin [00:39:44] We were 22, I think. 

Chris [00:39:47] Okay, that’s a good answer. Were these kitchen scissors active kitchen scissors or decommissioned kitchen scissors? 

Caitlin [00:39:53] I don’t know. I don’t know. I didn’t ask a lot of questions. 

Caller [00:39:57] How long did did the relationship last? 

Chris [00:39:59] Oh, great question. The answer is way too long. Caitlin’s facial reaction just meant it went on way too long. 

Caitlin [00:40:06] Three and a half years. 

Chris [00:40:07] Three and a half years. 

Caller [00:40:07] Oooh, that’s a while. 

Chris [00:40:08] Wow. Okay, okay. 

Caitlin [00:40:10] This is in the last year that that happened. 

Chris [00:40:12] Would you say the pubic kitchen scissors scenario was one of the things that made you realize this has run its course? 

Caitlin [00:40:18] There’s like a ten page list, probably. It’s on there.

Chris [00:40:23] Okay. I guess to be fair to this person, did they do a good trim job with the kitchen scissors? 

Caitlin [00:40:29] No. 

Caller [00:40:30] Oh, that’s a bummer. 

Chris [00:40:33] Okay, caller. Any other any other questions for Written by Caitlin until- Also, I’ve just been saying- is that okay that that’s how I’ve been referring. Is there any other questions for Written by Caitlin before we send Caitlin back?

Caller [00:40:44] The other question is, did he just trim down there or did he manscape anywhere else? Or did he just let everything go? 

Caitlin [00:40:53] I don’t remember. It was this was two years ago. I just remember it was really lopsided. Like he like I don’t think he could really see what he was doing and just kind of made a good faith effort to trim a little bit. 

Caller [00:41:06] I mean, that’s what mirrors are for. 

Chris [00:41:08] Indeed. All right. Written by Caitlyn, everybody. I’ll see you on the hashtag. Thank you so much. That was an incredible diversion. Just a truly incredible diversion right there. I will say, though, you- caller, you can say that’s what mirrors are for, but I don’t even- I can’t- oh, no. 

Caller [00:41:29] What, you can’t stare at yourself in the mirror? 

Chris [00:41:31] No, I’m just going to say this. That ball sack skin is extraordinarily easy to cut and it’s not the easiest. The crowd is so sad. 

Caller [00:41:38] Oh, I know. Oh, I know.

Chris [00:41:40] The crowd is so sad right there. I feel like you tricked me into saying this, caller. And the crowd is mad about it. Frog and Toad stan account, I believe your first contribution to the hashtag tonight is just to say, Bald wieners look like gonzo noses. 

Caller [00:42:00] Oh you- Okay. Okay. Okay. A new thing here. You know, do you know what dicks look like when they’re erect? 

Chris [00:42:07] Do I know what dicks look like when they’re erect?  

Caller [00:42:09] All of them look like one thing. Okay? They all look like one thing, because I’ve seen plenty of them. But they all just look like fucking mushrooms. 

Chris [00:42:20] I think that’s probably fair. Yeah. It’s funny, I felt like the whole crowd is bracing themselves for what that was going to be. And then you said it and it felt like collectively we all went, Yeah, kind of. Yeah. 

[00:42:30] Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got so many dick pics throughout the years that for a while there I was actually starting to critique their photo quality, like the lighting, the phot angles. 

Chris [00:42:44] The non-dick aspects of the pictures. 

Caller [00:42:47] Yeah. Well not just that. 

Chris [00:42:47] I hear other people clapping because they judged the craftsmanship of the photograph as well. 

Caller [00:42:53] Not just that, but also like, like if the dick is just nice and just sitting right there in the middle, but it’s got nice lighting, a nice glow on it, you know, it looks pretty nice, you know? Especially if it’s got like a got some of those thrombi veins pumping around. 

Chris [00:43:11] Yeah I hear ya. I’m with ya.  

Caller [00:43:16] So how many people in my making feel totally awkward? 

Chris [00:43:19] It’s I don’t know. I don’t know how to I, I don’t know how to verbalize my assessment of your effect on this crowd except to say that it’s overall positive, but maybe in the same way that a really spinny ride at an amusement park is. I feel like they’re all enjoying it, but they also feel very unmoored and uncertain at any point which direction you’re about to fling them in. 

Caller [00:43:44] Well, thank God it’s only an hour. 

Chris [00:43:46] Yeah, I mean, we got 19 minutes left. 

Caller [00:43:48] Jesus Christ. 

Chris [00:43:49] They’re literally sitting here going, Well, are you going to tell us about the sensitive aspects of transitioning and discovering yourself and avoiding suicide and figuring out that you have to stay alive because you’re going to be dead anyway? Is that going to be in the next breath? Or are we just going to be dropping throbbing dick vein comments? Which way we going next? 

Caller [00:44:08] Look, I’ve listened to your show for so long, they can go back to previous episodes and listen to all that stuff. I don’t need to rehash all that shit, so. 

Chris [00:44:19] So you’re saying, you know, I think we have made it. I will say, I’m very proud. I remember the first time we featured a trans caller, I got a bunch of messages from people saying, this is the first time I’ve heard a trans person speak to their experience in their own words. And I was extremely happy about that. And you’re saying you’ve covered those bases. Let’s talk about what makes a good dick pic.  

Caller [00:44:40] Yeah. These are things people need to know. 

Chris [00:44:43] It’s true, too, because it’s also what angle is it coming in at? Is it are you misrepresenting the size? Are you just putting the head of the dick right in the foreground-. 

Caller [00:44:53] You know you know what I have not seen yet, though, that I would love to see? Is a double or triple dick pic. If I see three or two dicks in one pic, I would definitely be asking questions with that and I would not block you. 

Chris [00:45:07] As in if there was a group of people all presenting their dicks within one picture and sending it to you? 

Caller [00:45:11] Yes. But all-. 

Chris [00:45:12] I feel like those are out there. 

Caller [00:45:13] All I could see is the two or three dicks. I wouldn’t see anything else. 

Chris [00:45:17] Explain this to me. I want to make sure that I’m perfectly clear on this. So get very detailed.

Caller [00:45:23] So it’s like the trifecta of dicks, you know, you have one coming from the left, one coming from the right, and then maybe one from the south or the north. And they’re all touching together and and they’re like, Oh, hey, what’s up? And I’m like, That’s a lot of dicks. And they’re like, Yeah, yeah, I know. 

Chris [00:45:39] And this is a thing that you’re hoping to encounter sometime that you haven’t yet? 

Caller [00:45:43] Yeah, I would love to encounter that. That’d be kind of an interesting conversation, wouldn’t you think? 

Chris [00:45:46] Oh yeah, I would think so. I also have to imagine that that’s an attainable goal in your life. 

Caller [00:45:53] Hmm. I’ll put it in my profile. 

Chris [00:45:58] I feel like there’s people who enjoy a good a good group situation, and I have to imagine you wouldn’t have to explore too far into your, your, your profile listings or any fetish site to get there, I would have to imagine. 

Caller [00:46:14] No, probably not. There’s there’s a good there’s a good fish community around here. It’s pretty fun. 

Chris [00:46:19] That’s good. It makes me feel like you have a goal. It’s attainable. And I’m psyched for you. 

Caller [00:46:22] I know. And I could even reach it by 40. 

Chris [00:46:28] Oh, I love it. 

Caller [00:46:31] I still give myself about a 60/40 that I’ll make it to 40. You know. Something around there. 

Chris [00:46:37] Is that true there? Do you really feel like that? 

Caller [00:46:39] Yeah. 

Chris [00:46:40] How come? 

Caller [00:46:41] Um. Cause… Being bipolar is kind of a bitch, so you never know what’s going to happen. 

Chris [00:46:57] Yeah. 

Caller [00:46:58] So sometimes you’re on top of the world and other times you’re slithering with the snakes. 

Chris [00:47:04] I hear you. I hear you. And I’ll let you know, I’m not judging you for it. I’m not going to sit here and be convincing. It’s very concerning to hear you honestly say that it’s 60/40. I will just let you know on my end that if someday I ever hear that that happened and you decided to move on, I personally would be really sad because I like you. 

Caller [00:47:27] Thanks. I appreciate that. I get a lot of people say they like me and I’m like, why? 

Chris [00:47:32] I do the same thing. I do the same thing. 

Caller [00:47:38] Maybe that’s why I like listening to your show. 

Chris [00:47:40] Because you can identify with someone who refuses to take any good praise? 

Caller [00:47:45] Yeah. Exactly. 

Chris [00:47:46] But it there’s one person on the Internet who’s like, You look like a bald, chubby version of the Miami Dolphins coach, I’ll think about it endlessly for months? 

Caller [00:47:55] Yep. Yeah. So I got called the Lady Boy the other day. And my retort at that point in time was like, Well, sometimes you’re the dick and sometimes you take the dick. But it really stuck with me. And now I can’t really get it out of my head. It’s kind of fucking me- fucking me around a bit, but it’ll get out eventually. 

Audience member [00:48:24] You got friends! 

Chris [00:48:25] Someone in the crowd just yelled, You got friends. Cat says, I think the whole crowd here at Bottlerocket would be real sad to hear about that happening. 

Caller [00:48:33] Ooh, can we- can we all sing a song together? 

Crowd [00:48:36] Yeah!

Chris [00:48:38] I do also want to let you know that Grace just tweeted, Sitting in between my parents. My dad won’t look in my direction and my mom just cackled. I think that was about the dick pics. 

Caller [00:49:01] Anyway, I was wanting to sing a song. Let’s sing a song.

Chris [00:49:02] Yeah. What song? Oh, Cat also just informed me there is a… My 12 year old is also here tonight. 

Caller [00:49:17] Oh. Sorry.

Chris [00:49:18] Look, mom, we all gotta grow up sometimes. No, no apologies. No apologies. I think we all got to grow up sometime. I will say I am sorry if you’re offended, but caller, you don’t apologize. It’s on me. It’s on me. You don’t have anything to apologize for. Also, sounds like a cool ass 12 year old. Also, I hope this 12 year old also, sadly enough, 12 year olds kind of need to know about dick pics and dick pic etiquette, sadly. And don’t be sending dick pics at all, let alone weird ones and nonconsensual ones. Let’s not do it. That’s your public service announcement for the day. 

Caller [00:49:49] It is the worst thing that about this country is that we do not teach sex ed the way we should. 

Chris [00:49:54] I think it’s one of the very bad things about it. I don’t I don’t even know if it’s the worse thing at this point. That’s hard to quantify.

Caller [00:50:00] Well, it’s not the worst thing, but it’s-

Chris [00:50:02] That’s hard to quantify on any given day. 

Caller [00:50:04] That’s very true. Very true. 

Chris [00:50:07] What song do you want to sing? 

Caller [00:50:08] Oh, shit. I forgot. Hmm. You got the whole world in your hands? 

Chris [00:50:21] Feels socially uncomfortable for me, and I’m happy to try it if you really want. We can.

Caller [00:50:29] Nah nah nah nah nah.

Chris [00:50:31] I don’t know anything but the chorus. It’s up to you. Sex ed is bad. I remember when I was when I was growing up in middle school, they they told us in sex ed, I have a very distinct memory that they told us you could get pregnant from oral sex. They said you could get pregnant from blowjobs. And I was like, I look back at it, I’m like, Man, they just didn’t want us touching each other. So they told us that. And man, that was wrong. That was really messed up, man. 

Caller [00:51:04] To get pregnant by oral. 

Chris [00:51:07] No, I was saying it’s messed up they told us that. You’re saying that would be messed up if it happened. Jeez.

Caller [00:51:10] I know that’s messed up- I know that’s messed up that they told us that, but it’s also I mean, that’d be messed up, you know? But I… I don’t know. Spend spend nine months in the gut, and then what do you know? You got a baby in the toilet. 

Chris [00:51:34] Sorry. 

Caller [00:51:35] Water birth. Everybody wants a water birth. 

[00:51:41] Wow. Is it just on this call or in general, are you just like a true agent of chaos? 

Caller [00:51:47] I’m just I’m chaotic. I work in the emergency department. I’m chaotic. 

Chris [00:51:53] You mentioned you work in the medical field still. You’re still in. 

Caller [00:51:57] I’m still in it. I don’t know what else I’d do with my life. I enjoy the chaos. 

Chris [00:52:02] Yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you for doing it. It sounds like you help people. 

Caller [00:52:08] Do I?

Chris [00:52:08] It sounds like you do. 

Caller [00:52:11] Yeah. People say I do. We’ll see. 

Chris [00:52:14] Yeah. 

Caller [00:52:15] You know, when it all comes to the end and I’m sitting there and Nubis is just judging me and you know, we’ll see if my soul gets eaten or not. 

Chris [00:52:27] Nubis is an Egyptian god, right? 

Caller [00:52:29] Yeah. 

Chris [00:52:30] You’re betting that the Egyptians had it right the whole time? 

Caller [00:52:33] Hey, they did come first. 

Chris [00:52:35] I would love it. I would love it if we when you die, you’re like, Hold on, Osyrus is here? Ra, the sun god, Ra? Fuck. It was right in front of us all time. 

Caller [00:52:47] Yeah, and we forgot all about them. They’re like, surprise, bitches. 

Chris [00:52:58] Pretty amazing. Pretty great. We’ve got 10 minutes left. 

Caller [00:53:04] 10 minutes left. Jesus. What do I talk about for 10 minutes? 

Chris [00:53:08] I’m not sure. I’m going to check in to see if the mom of the 12 year old is cool. Not only is she cool, here’s how cool she is. She said, I think mother Isis would protect you from consumption. 

Caller [00:53:22] Awe yeah, Isis is one of my favorites. 

Chris [00:53:26] Excuse me? It’s nobody let’s not just sound grab that in a vacuum, please. It was a reference to Mother Isis, the Egyptian god. 

Caller [00:53:37] Yeah. Get your mind’s out of the gutter, Jesus. 

Chris [00:53:38] Not the terrorist organization that I would not say unless- unless you correct me, if you’re like. No, that’s what I meant. 

Caller [00:53:47] So everyone’s looking at me now. 

Chris [00:53:50] Everyone in your house just that- they stopped the D&D game when you said Isis in my favorite? 

Caller [00:53:55] Yeah they’re just all looking at me now. 

Chris [00:53:57] Oh, Kat says that the 12 year old is a military brat, which I take it to mean has seen everything and nothing shocks them. 

Caller [00:54:06] Oh, can you guess where I’m from? 

Chris [00:54:09] Can I guess where you’re from? Very I want everybody let’s get some guesses in the hash tag. Let’s see. You don’t. 

Caller [00:54:18] I’ll give you a hit. 

Chris [00:54:18] Yeah, you don’t have a discernable accent. 

Caller [00:54:21] I’ll give you a hint. My name is Bob. You know what Bob stands for?

Chris [00:54:28] Robert?

Caller [00:54:31] Big ol bitch. Anyway, where I’m from?

Chris [00:54:44] Was that a legitimate hint? 

Caller [00:54:47] No. 

Chris [00:54:51] Okay, let’s see. Nobody’s guessing. You don’t have much of a discernible accent, from what I could tell. I’m gonna say you’re from… 

Caller [00:55:00] Which is funny because when I work, people always switch into Southern accents around me and I have no idea why. It’s really strange. 

Chris [00:55:09] I’m going to say you’re from the Delmarva area, the Delaware, Maryland, Virginia area… No? 

Caller [00:55:17] Never been there. 

Chris [00:55:18] Okay. Never been there. See if anyone else has guesses. No one else. No one’s guessing so far. Let’s see. Caitlin- Written by Caitlin says, Somewhere they grow corn. That’s our first guess. Do they grow corn where you’re from? 

Caller [00:55:32] No, no. I just spent nine years in hell there. That’s not where I’m from though. 

Chris [00:55:36] Spent nine years in corn country, and it was hell. Let’s please use- there’s one person just quietly saying the word Chicago over and over again. I want to know. Let’s use the hashtag. This is not a talky show. Just use the hashtag to say Chicago. So someone said Utah. Matt says Utah. 

Caller [00:55:55] I mean, my family is a bunch of fundies, but not Utah. 

Chris [00:55:59] What’s that mean? Fundamentalists? 

Caller [00:56:03] Fundamentalists. 

Chris [00:56:03] Someone angrily yelled it from the crowd. Niles, in all caps, seems to be pretty convinced that you’re from Lexington. 

Caller [00:56:11] Interesting. I’m getting a bunch of East Coast. Very cool. 

Chris [00:56:14] Okay. Okay. I don’t know. Yeah. I don’t think any of us know What’s the answer? 

Caller [00:56:20] Oh, well, wouldn’t you like to know? 

Chris [00:56:23] Don’t. Don’t. Can you imagine if the last 7 minutes is just me being like, Tell us or it’s such a fucking tease. Arizona. Oh, Kat says Arizona. 

Caller [00:56:36] Oh, no. 

Chris [00:56:37] Glenn says California. 

Caller [00:56:40] No. 

Chris [00:56:41] I don’t know. Nevada. New Mexico. Oregon. Washington State. Idaho. Montana. North Dakota. South Dakota. I’ll name every goddamn state.

Caller [00:56:51] Okay. Okay, okay. Okay. You got it. You got it. 

Chris [00:56:55] Which one!? 

Caller [00:56:58] That’s the question. 

Chris [00:56:59] Oh, why did I do that? Are you serious? 

Caller [00:57:05] Serious? 

Chris [00:57:06] Nevada. 

Caller [00:57:08] Well, now you can’t just go over them again. 

Chris [00:57:11] Why not? 

Caller [00:57:12] You got to figure it out. 

Chris [00:57:14] Why?! This is so mean. It’s not even that interesting! It’s it’s like not even a pay off. We’re all just going to go, Oh. It’s not like we’re all going to cheer because you’re from Washington State. It’s not like people are gonna be like, yeah! And I’m gonna be like, we stuck the landing on that son of a bitch call. They’re all just going to be like, Fine. 

Caller [00:57:43] Okay. Okay. I will. I will appease you. 

Chris [00:57:46] Give me. Yeah, Let’s have some hints here. Yeah. 

Caller [00:57:49] I am from the upper northwest. 

Chris [00:57:55] So that’s Washington, Oregon. I said those two. This is the least satisfying game. Is it one of those two? 

Caller [00:58:08] Could be. 

Chris [00:58:10] This is so mean to do to me as a performer because you get to get off the goddamn phone and I got to look at all these people! Don’t do this! 

Caller [00:58:21] I’m sorry. I’m a little bit of a sadist. I can’t help it. So anyway, it’s been snowing here. We’re getting quite a bit of snow. 

Chris [00:58:36] We’re not just going to chitchat about the weather for 4 minutes until we hang up. Oh god. Okay. Niles says Dayton? Ben says Kalamazoo? Matt says New Mexico? 

Caller [00:58:51] What’s the biggest amount of snow you’ve ever seen? 

Chris [00:58:57] Probably four feet. 

Caller [00:59:00] Four feet. Cool. It’s not too bad. 

Chris [00:59:05] What kind of game are you playing right now? 

Caller [00:59:08] It’s the game of life, baby. 

Chris [00:59:11] Wow. Okay. Okay. Why’d you stop volunteering as a firefighter? 

Caller [00:59:20] I had to move out of the area. I was going to- if I hadn’t moved out of the area, I would have just festered and succumbed. It was a very rural area. So there’s not much opportunity for someone in their early twenties in such an environment. 

Chris [00:59:40] Written by Caitlin, who seems to be connected to you in a lot of ways, says Montana. 

Caller [00:59:46] I do like Montana. It’s a nice state. That’s not where I’m from, though.

Chris [00:59:49] That’s not an answer. God damn it. Okay. 

Caller [00:59:53] Hey, I told you it’s not the answer. Okay. I will blurt it out the moment right before this call ends. How about that? 

Chris [01:00:03] Fair. I’m going to hold you to that. We’re going to do a ten second countdown. I’m gonna keep a close eye on this clock. Right now we’re at 3 minutes. So we’ve got three- 

Caller [01:00:08] Three minutes. 

Chris [01:00:10] We got 2 minutes and 45 seconds to discuss before we start the reveal where you’re from for the least satisfying but most necessary closure. You better- if you- 

Caller [01:00:21] I never got closure in my last relationship. 

Chris [01:00:26] If we get down to 10 seconds and then you don’t tell me. 

Caller [01:00:29] Look. Life can be fun, okay? 

Chris [01:00:32] Indeed it can. 

Caller [01:00:33] All you got to do is be able to let loose once in a while. Stop holding onto all your anxiety. 

Chris [01:00:43] I like this. I like this. I need to hear this. Who are you telling? You telling me? Or are you telling you?

Caller [01:00:49] That anxiety will eat you alive. 

Chris [01:00:52] It will. But you gotta let yours go, too.  

Caller [01:00:57] That’s what shrooms are for. 

Chris [01:00:59] Never done shrooms. Are they as great as people say? 

Caller [01:01:02] I like them. 

Chris [01:01:04] The whole crowd just yet said yes. 

Caller [01:01:06] Especially, so shrooms are you can like if you do a shit ton of ’em you’re going to get fucked up. But if you just do a few of them and a little bit everything’s brighter, everything’s a little bit happier. The sky, the moon. Man, a full moon? Really fucking bright. You’re just like, Holy shit. How is that thing so bright? Would recommend. Would recommend. 

Chris [01:01:24] I love that. I love that. I’m a 42 year old dad. Why mess with my brain? I’ve gotten it stable. Let’s not mess with it. That’s my philosophy.

Caller [01:01:35] That’s true. Be that boring old man. 

Crowd [01:01:39] Ohhhh. 

Chris [01:01:42] Yeah. I don’t think there’s any shame in that. 

Caller [01:01:45] There’s no shame. There’s no shame. 

Chris [01:01:48] Yeah. For real. Were at 18 seconds. 

Caller [01:01:53] 18 seconds. 

Chris [01:01:55] 15 seconds. You better tell me where you’re from. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six. Don’t fuck me on this. Four, three… 

Crowd [01:02:06] Two, one. 

Caller [01:02:08] North of Portland! 

Chris [01:02:09] Portland. Thank you. Caller, thank you so much for calling. Thank you so much for throwing so many fascinating, hilarious, emotional things at me. And I hope you enjoyed your evening of D&D. Thank you to Andrea Quinn for coming along, doing the engineering on the road shows. Thanks to Bottle Rocket Social Hall of Pittsburgh for having us. Thanks to Anita Flores for producing the show. Thanks to Jared O’Connell for engineering the show. Thanks, as always to Shellshag for our theme song. If you want know more about me, go to ChrisGeth.com. And hey, wherever you’re listening to the show, there’s a button that says subscribe, favorite, follow. Hit that button, please. It helps us so much when you do. And if you want our merch, go to podswag.com. Got mugs, shirts, posters, all sorts of stuff. Plus, if you want your episodes without any ads, you’ll want to check out Stitcher Premium. If you use the promo code “stories”, you get one month free at stitcher.com/premium. And as always, if you like this podcast, share it with a friend. Tell people about it. Word of mouth. That’s the greatest advertising there is.