EP. 161 — Elyse Myers

Jameela: Hello and welcome to another episode of I Weigh with Jameela Jamil, a podcast against shame. I hope you are well and I hope you are ready for the warmest of all warm hugs of an episode because today’s chat left me feeling so high with happiness. I think it’s genuinely one of my favorite chats I’ve had and it was with someone with whom I wasn’t super familiar. I was obviously familiar with her face and I’d seen some of her content and always loved it but I hadn’t really deeply looked into the guest until having to research her for this interview and then upon sitting down and meeting her and getting into the nitty gritty of what she wants, who she is, what she’s trying to do online. I was totally on board and so in love. Her name is Elyse Myers and if you don’t recognize her name you will definitely recognize her face if you are on any form of social media because she’s kind of taken over during the pandemic through just being so fucking relatable and entertaining and funny and charm–super super charming and not at all try-hard. 

And in this episode we talk about the mental health effects of being a content creator and staring at your face all day especially with the pressures of being a woman. We discuss very personal things like her experience with postpartum depression and how that varied from her typical depression. We talk about her ADHD and how a teacher in school embraced her differences rather than shamed her and what a huge difference that made to the rest of her life. And we discussed the struggle dealing with the Internet scrutiny and regularly being questioned as to your integrity. 

We went all over the shop and yet it just felt like such a cohesive, I don’t know display of two women loving each other so much. She’s got a podcast of her own which is fantastic; it’s called ‘Funny Because It’s True.’ I’m about to be a guest on it which is exciting because I can’t wait to chat to her again and I I don’t know I don’t know it was just like sometimes these podcasts feel like a really great date, like a really great friend date and that’s how I felt at the end of this. She was just as British people would say sound the pound. And I wish we had more public figures who approached things the way that she does and who talked as candidly as she does about truly fucking everything. So sit back relax and hopefully feel very seen by the lovely Elyse Myers.

[00:00:00] Jameela Elyse Bloody Myers. Welcome to I Weigh. Hello. 

[00:00:03] Elyse Thank you. Hello. Your background is beautiful, you’re fireplace looks amazing. 

[00:00:08] Jameela Thank you. I like to keep my trash in the background of all of my 

[00:00:11] Elyse same. 

[00:00:12] Jameela All of my stuff. It makes me feel good. 

[00:00:14] Elyse This is the only clean room I have because I pop out of it. Every other room in this house looks like somebody just broke in and rummaged through all of our things and stole it. 

[00:00:23] Jameela I live with four men, so you can only imagine. 

[00:00:27] Elyse What is that situation? Who’s the four men?

[00:00:27] Jameela  Dungeon my house is turning into. They’re all my lovers. 

[00:00:31] Elyse Oh amazing. 

[00:00:31] Jameela I rotate. Yeah yeah yeah, no. My harem. No, I live with my boyfriend, but also my best friend since I was younger. Because I. I’m not going to have children. So they are really my children. 

[00:00:45] Elyse I love that. 

[00:00:46] Jameela I just built a little commune of Middle-Aged people. 

[00:00:49] Elyse I was just. I was just telling my husband, like, when I when we first got married, our best friends were still from college because we got married young. And I really miss, like, rooming with everybody. And my best friends were usually guys. And so I didn’t room with guys until the end. But like, we would all go together and we were all in each other’s flats and it was like just the best, like having everyone all together. And it feels like you’re just in summer camp 24 seven. And so I don’t know if you feel that way, but that’s. 

[00:01:14] Jameela No that’s literally what it is. We were playing Rocket League, which is a really silly football game. Is that where you play soccer using a car so you’re in cars kicking a ball in a goal. 

[00:01:27] Elyse Is it an action goal game or a video game?

[00:01:28] Jameela It’s a video game, yeah. Can you imagine if I was like, I don’t have that kind of money? 

[00:01:33] Elyse We’re like, Wow, we’re in different tax brackets. 

[00:01:38] Jameela But yeah we were up playing Rocket League until about 130 in the morning. And I was like, I looked at one of them. I was like, Do you think that this would be our mid thirties? Is this like, I thought we’d be sensible and we’ll have, we’d have established boundaries. But no. 

[00:01:52] Elyse I hope that’s mid 30’s for everyone. That sounds like a dream. 

[00:01:57] Jameela So how are you? How have you been? 

[00:01:59] Elyse Good. I’ve been good. I am doing a lot of like writing right now because I’m pregnant. I’m trying to do all the things that aren’t in front of camera because every once in a while I just feel like I’m like, I don’t want to be in front of a camera right now on a screen, like making content every day. You know, you can look at your face too much, like I’m taking a face break from social media right now. And it’s like people just don’t realize the effects on your mental health of staring at your face for eight or 10 hours a day. 

[00:02:26] Jameela And what is the effect on your mental health of staring at your face? I mean, you’ve got a lovely face. I like looking at you. 

[00:02:33] Elyse Thank you. You just become you you remove yourself from the the image of your face like you don’t you don’t recognize that you’re looking at yourself anymore and you start to, like, disconnect from the person in front of you and you start to critique this stranger like you you totally disconnect from your from yourself and it’s helpful. So you’re not emotional about what you’re editing, but it’s not helpful when you walk away and you are still that person and you have now ripped them to shreds for the last 8 hours and then now you’re taking them home with you. It’s very bizarre. It’s like you can’t be impartial when you’re editing your yourself. And a lot of content of what I do is very personal and a lot of vlogs I do are day in the lives where I’m literally just setting up cameras and recording what I’m doing and then editing it. It’s it’s just like a weird Truman Show kind of feeling where you’re just like seeing yourself as not yourself. And it’s very weird. So yeah, you start to kind of disassociate and disconnect and it doesn’t it’s not helpful when you go home and you are you’re trying to be really mindful with your family and and kind to yourself because you realize you can’t scrutinize yourself that way in everyday life. Like, I can’t look at my face when I’m getting ready in the morning, not editing a video and be like, God, there’s so much acne and redness here. We have to fix it. You’re like, not I don’t fix my video, but like, you know, color correct or, like just all of that, it’s you. You start to see yourself as not a person. And so, yeah, taking breaks every once in a while where I start to do things and edit things that aren’t around me, like aren’t on my face, but are like stories for the book or podcast stuff that is, we don’t do video and things like that. It’s it’s really, really helpful for me for mental health. 

[00:04:13] Jameela Well, it’s quite dehumanizing, isn’t it, that we sell ourselves, in the way that we do. I think there are other ways to sell your selves that maybe don’t feel dehumanizing, but I, I feel like it’s so, it’s so specific and so personal. And, and I think that so many people participate in it now, even in just a casual way, they don’t realize that they’re being impacted by constantly feeling the need to update people on your existence and having to sell stuff and having to use your face and your life. And and, you know, I talk a lot about my trauma on this podcast. And so it’s it’s a strange kind of dance with the devil you do. But at the same time, it’s so amazing to be able to connect with people in a way that you can only do when you are vulnerable, when show yourself and. And you get to learn about them. And then you build a community. And then you get to hear their story. I’ve learned so much from this audience because they write me the most beautiful letters every day. And that would never have happened if I’d just put out like an empty facade of, you know, get ready with me and not say that’s like, bad. But that just wouldn’t have led to the connection I have now. 

[00:05:21] Elyse Yeah, I honestly, I think that that’s what’s really unique about what I do. And the audience are the community that I’ve built around my content is because it’s so genuine to myself and because I am so vulnerable in it. The immediate response from people, whether it’s online or in letters or in person when they’re meeting me, it’s never light. It’s I never run into somebody in public and they’re just like high five Elyse. Like, You’re so funny. I love what you do. It’s like it’s an immediate, like soul connection that we have that they feel like they have to me, that they there’s no boundaries in it, which is it’s beautiful because it means that they’ve my content is allowed them to like drop things in their life and to process things. But in the presence of me, it’s I’m not emotionally capable of taking that on and handling it because I don’t know this person the way that they know me. And so that’s really interesting. This like the idea of like sharing myself and it is so one sided, but it doesn’t feel one sided to the people consuming the content and having to kind of reorient myself every single time I interact with somebody that follows me and enjoys what I do. And it’s that is something that I did not expect because I hang out at home all day alone with my family. So it’s like I’m not in public a lot. And then when you are and do you do you feel that way? Like because. 

[00:06:38] Jameela Yeah, I definitely do. I definitely do. But I think I’m less personable than you are. I think people who listen to my content or who watch my videos think one of two things either that I’m going to be like an unfriendly ranting monster who just wants to take down the patriarchy 24 hours a day that’s definitely like the the headline version of me that’s been created by the media or 

[00:07:00] Elyse Oh that sucks.

[00:07:00] Jameela people who listen to this podcast, it’s sort of fine, it’s kind of nice, but because a lot of really annoying people leave me alone therefore, but also the people but the listener people who listen to this podcast expect a slightly awkward weirdo. And so people approach me accordingly and are very careful and very kind and gentle. And I enjoy those those little interactions. I think I’m able to because I leave the house so rarely. So it’s so I’m sort of ready for it when I do leave the house. But it’s really 98% of my life is lived in my bed. 

[00:07:36] Elyse Is that on purpose is that for a reason? 

[00:07:39] Jameela Because I’m not, I’m not very well and I’m extremely lazy. So I’d say I’m it’s lazy 60%, 40% not feeling very well. I just love my bed. I make all my content, edit all my content, do everything from my bed. I, I I’ve never spent money on furniture apart from my bed where I was like, I’m going to going to nail this because this is where I’m going to live out the rest of my years. 

[00:08:03] Elyse Honestly, isn’t it something like you spend like 60% of your life sleeping? Isn’t that like a stat? So, like it makes sense to. 

[00:08:10] Jameela So for me, I’m like 85% at this point. But yeah, no, I definitely relate to I definitely relate to what you’re saying. You mentioned the Truman Show aspect of it, which is a way that I think I hadn’t looked at your life or people who are like you who Vlog What was it that made you want to start putting yourself out there in that way? That was so kind of just raw and explicit and relatable. 

[00:08:39] Elyse Well, I start I started honestly in probably the deepest or the darkest season of my life on accident. It was like six months after I had my son. I was like dealing with some very serious, like postpartum depression and anxiety. And it was debilitating. It was like I was a shell of myself. I did not recognize myself and I was taking care of this human being that relied on me 100%. And my husband worked. And so I was working full time and taking care of our son, and I was dead inside. And it was like the worst I’ve ever felt. And I talk I’ve talked about it a little bit, but I didn’t prepare myself for postpartum depression and anxiety because I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life. 

[00:09:28] Jameela I don’t actually know very much. I know it exists. I know that friends of mine have had it, but yeah, if you feel okay delving into it, I think a lot of people would be interested to hear it from someone else’s perspective. 

[00:09:39] Elyse Totally. It’s so I always saw it before I experienced it as postpartum was the time that it happens, not the type of depression anxiety that is happening. So I always thought like, yeah, it’s depression that happens postpartum. So it’s going to be the same thing. You know, you’re just a little more tired. But when I was in it, it was truly this. Like when I had been depressed before it was it was. I had no hope in it. But then postpartum was like. You feel even, like, angrier because you don’t want to feel this way because you’re taking care of a newborn. It’s like elevated in a way where all your focus goes on this person, that the way that you feel is so bad that like, you feel even more guilty because this person relies on you and you, they’re not an adult like you. They’re not your boyfriend or your husband or your partner or your friend that you can walk away from and be like, Hey, I’m not feeling well. Can I, like, reschedule this coffee? It’s like whether you feel good or not, this person needs you to feed them, put them down, give them a bath, like hug them, make sure that they’re not crying. Like, give them everything you are their everything.

[00:10:48] Jameela And their absorbing, right? Your emotions and they learning from you. And so then you are, like, terrified of what they’re absorbing. 

[00:10:55] Elyse Yes. And any bit of control that you have and like bodily autonomy that you have when you’re regular depressed. And I’m not like comparing these two that like one is not worse than the other. They’re just so different. Like when I was regular, depressed, like I had bodily autonomy and control over my life, whether it felt like it or not. But then with postpartum, it was like there was just no there was no land line that felt hopeful enough, if that makes sense. And and I was trying to not tell anybody because you feel like you’re the only I mean, I was the person taking care of my son. And so if anybody knew that I was having these, like, horrific, not real thoughts, you know, like, I was like, my son’s going to be taken away from me. Like, it’s not but it’s not real. You know, it’s it’s intrusive thoughts that are so far beyond, like what you would actually do. And so it was just a lot of like trying to reconcile like, is this me, is this depression? Is this just being tired and then trying to be honest with people. And so I felt like I was forgetting who I was and I was very alone and very isolated. And so to go back to your question, I started making content purely for me. I did not think anyone was going to see it, and I started sharing stories about my life. So I was telling stories from college in my childhood and I was genuinely just doing it as a way to remember who I was because I was like, I know she’s in there. Like, I know she exists still and I want to, like, be her again. I want to enjoy my life. And my son deserves a mom that wants to be alive and enjoy their life. And my husband deserves a wife that is present and and I deserve a life that I love. And so I started sharing those stories, and I didn’t talk about the negative stuff I was experiencing. I just was being honest about stories about my life. And I think that that honesty and me looking the way I did, you know, not dolling myself up for the camera, it was genuinely four in the morning and I looked very much like I do now, but no mascara on. And like, I was making coffee and I was telling these stories and I think people saw themselves in me, whether they knew what I was going through or not. They just felt that this is a person that is like being honest about their life and there’s not. It’s hard to find a lot of that online in it. I experience that it’s very refreshing when I come across people where I’m like, You are just a normal ass person. Like, Sorry, I don’t know if I can cuss but like just a normal person. 

[00:13:30] Jameela You can definitely curse.

[00:13:32] Elyse Okay. A normal person, just like sharing their life. Like I find that very refreshing. And so I think that people saw that and that’s kind of what led to the take off of of my platform online. 

[00:13:42] Jameela Wow. And do you ever feel like, oh, fuck, I can never close the door now? Or do you feel like a sense of autonomy of I’ve given a lot, I’ve said a lot. And and it is my right to keep certain things from myself. I just wonder because a lot of people that I know who have kind of risen through the YouTube or even TikToker phase suddenly feel this sense of how do I ever regain authority as to what’s mine? 

[00:14:11] Elyse Yeah, I mean, I’ve been very careful from the beginning simply because boundaries and like feeling safe have always been something that I hold very like high in regard in my life. And I want to make sure everybody in my life also feels safe. So I have always been very careful with what I share online, where, if you notice, a lot of my stories are a mix of things that are just not only have happened to me or have happened with me and one other person that I’ve asked permission or just completely like removed their real details of themselves out of the story. I don’t I don’t share my son online. I, me and my husband are very careful about what we talk about within our relationship. And so I have set that parameter very early on of like I share what I want to share and all of it is honest, but I’m not going to open up doors on my life that feel like are personal because at the end of the day, when you do share so much, especially such explicit details about stories that have happened to me and my inner monologue, they’re like, it’s very personal. You have to have parts of your life that are just yours, like without a camera around and relationships that aren’t being documented. And so that that keeps me feeling very regulated. 

[00:15:37] Jameela It’s also very important given like how as soon as you start to rise the way that you have and you’re a woman and you’re bright and you’re authentic, people start to scrutinize, 

[00:15:49] Elyse Oh, man. 

[00:15:49] Jameela Every single fucking detail of you. And it’s been wild to watch from the outside when it happens to other people, including my watching, you know what’s going on with you, where all you’re doing is just telling your truth and being yourself. And people feel the need to have an opinion on that. Can you talk to me about what that’s like for your mental health as someone who has, you know, gone through things with anxiety or depression and who has things that you’re juggling emotionally anyway? What is that like? How does it feel? 

[00:16:22] Elyse Well, it’s funny. I look back on early interviews I did like first few months first six months, and I would get like people asking me, you know, what do you do about the negative comments? And I was so naive. I just laugh. Because I was like, The community I’ve built is so nice and it is like 99% is like the nicest people I’ve ever met. And I’m like, I just don’t get a lot of hate comments. Like, there’s not a lot to really, like, say, about I’m just out, you know? You know, I look back and I’m like, Oh God, Elyse, you are so, so naive and wrong. 

[00:16:52] Jameela What’s changed since then? 

[00:16:53] Elyse Well. People just like. The number. The number one thing that really gets to me is like, you can you can just dislike me. You can see my face and be like, God, I hate her so much I wish she’d get off my feed like that I can’t control that. I’m never going to be liked by everybody. It’s when people hear a story of mine and think I’m lying or think that I’m like exaggerating it for a view is like so crazy to me. Because if you knew me in real life, like I would never sleep at night, I one time got a detail wrong that I realized was wrong like six months later when somebody brought it to my attention. That was not even a detail important to the story. The story like it didn’t change the end result of the story, but it was one detail and I was like I had a full on like panic attack about it. Because I was like, Oh my gosh, this person thinks I lie like I am. I value honesty so much that it’s the idea that I would make up stories like this and and then add pictures in that have nothing to do with it just because it looks like it proved the story right. Like is so crazy to me. And I’ve always struggled because of the way I was brought up in my family life when I was a child. Like learning what was true and what wasn’t has always been something very important to me. And so when somebody thinks that I’m lying, it’s just basically the most misunderstood I could feel and I can’t explain myself because I’m not going to respond to every single person that’s like, you’re lying you’re like, you’re making this up. And so I just have to sit with it and you just have to, like, accept that and know that somebody on the planet thinks that about you. And it’s that to me is what affects my mental health the most and makes me feel like I just want to like, throw my phone into a lake and like, never be content again. 

[00:18:33] Jameela Yeah, I feel the same way. I feel as it’s the only thing that bothers me I get so much shit from the left and the right about social politics and policing, whether I’ve said everything perfectly and policing, whether I look perfectly and I don’t give a shit, doesn’t bother me at all. But the amount of people who are just say a thing that happened and they’ll be like that didn’t that didn’t happen. And and they have no idea and they don’t know me and they never met me. And it literally just happened. And I have witnesses and they’re just like, that didn’t happen. And it is a it is a thing that people who aren’t in the public eye experience all the time, women especially deal with constantly. We have been groomed to not to believe women. Right. We have been groomed to think of women as manipulators and liars. And it goes all the way back to the Bible, you know, old Eve and blaming her for everything. And she manipulated up poor old, sweet, innocent Adam, who’s got no agency, is a full grown man with pubes and with balls. And so there’s been this kind of lineage of stories of women are witches, women cast spells, Women do that. We we have to be seen as dangerous so that the way in which we are controlled is justified. Does that make sense? 

[00:19:44] Elyse Yeah. 

[00:19:45] Jameela That we can’t be trusted. So therefore, we must be caged.  

[00:19:50] Elyse Yeah, that’s I mean, that’s genuinely been like the my experience, even when what I talk about isn’t wild. Like I will have story. I had a story one time where I had my hat on and it was my merch hat and I just launched merch for the first time and I didn’t know how to tell someone that it was my merch because it sounded so ridiculous coming out of my mouth that I would have merch. I wanted to like vomit every time I tried to say that. And so they were like, That’s really, really cool, where’d you get it? And I was like, Oh, it’s it’s my hat. Like trying to be like it’s I’d made like, it’s my designed hat. I just kept saying out loud, like, it’s my hat. Like, like I own this hat. And he, he was like, okay, like, that’s fine. And like, that was basically the point of the story was that, like, I could not get out of my mouth like, this is my merch happened in an Apple store this guy came forward and was like, Yeah, this happened. I took a photo of her for Yeah. Anyways, whole story and someone’s like, That never happened. That’s so ridiculous. And I was like, the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard is that I told someone it was my hat? Like, that’s the craziest story you’ve ever heard. Like, it’s not even like stories that are out of this world. It’s just the fact that someone cannot imagine someone remembering something that happened, articulating it in a way that makes sense and is entertaining, and then like people liking it, like, I don’t know if they just think that, like, no one would like this. I don’t it’s not true. It’s so weird. 

[00:21:09] Jameela I think part of it comes from the fact that if we have been programed to not believe women and not trust women and kind of not like women, when you find yourself liking a woman for a sustained 

[00:21:23] Elyse Somethings wrong with her. 

[00:21:23] Jameela Like something’s wrong, something’s wrong with me, I’ve missed something, something’s wrong with her. How is she doing this? How is she doing this? Why isn’t she? Why is she having success? Why she popular at school? Why is she popular? What does this? It still comes back to a form of, like, a social witchcraft. Like, what is it about her? She can’t possibly be this authentic. She can’t possibly be nice. Like there’s a What’s the catch? What’s where’s the catch? Where’s the catch. With everything to do with a woman is like she’s only wearing makeup because she wants this out of this person like its everything has to be calculated with us. It can never just be that we are being and and it can never be that we are just trying to have a nice time. Everything has to have a bigger design of what we can steal predominantly from men or from each other. 

[00:22:12] Elyse In your career. Like, where did you decide that this was not worth your time, or do you still struggle with letting that kind of stuff go? 

[00:22:20] Jameela Oh, well, I mean, I’ve spoken about it on this podcast before, so sorry dear listeners. But in 2020 I just got accused of lying about literally everything about myself. It was really weird. And I mean, from my sexuality to my health to all of my motives and everything I’ve ever said like, everything got torn apart and and ripped to pieces. And I got ripped pieces even though I had witnesses to everything still came out and I became suicidal from the kind of global gaslighting. And once I recovered from that, I was like, Oh, you know what actually is not really my responsibility to be believed or liked. And the people who are smart will understand and resonate with me and will be able to see my authenticity. And it’s a very much a matter of like the people who don’t mind what was it the people that mined don’t matter and the people that don’t oh God.

[00:23:16] Elyse That matter don’t mind. 

[00:23:17] Jameela Yeah can you say it properly? 

[00:23:20] Elyse The people that mind don’t matter. And the people that matter don’t mind. 

[00:23:23] Jameela Yes, that’s exactly it. And so I can never get it right. I dunno why I keep trying to say it. It’s so embarrassing. 

[00:23:31] Elyse You’re just trying to like, redeem yourself every time it doesn’t work. 

[00:23:34] Jameela Yeah, it’s so frustrating. But yeah, it’s so I. I think I came to a point where I just like, Oh, you know what this is actually like. I think it was a period of me starting to investigate the greater pattern of the way that we treat women. And that all that’s happening to me is that I am a lightning rod, that it’s showcasing, right? The world. How the world is treating me is just a bigger, more amplified version of how women are treated in every area of their lives at every level and every country in some way. It can either be at school, in the office or whatever, in the workplace, in the street, in the supermarket. I am just being amplified as an example of all of the vicious ways in which we we show hatred and and and control and gaslighting towards women. And I was like, Oh, you know what? This isn’t actually personal. This isn’t personal. I’m not even a human being to a lot of these people. They’re just saying it to say it because they hate what I represent, which is women. And so. 

[00:24:32] Elyse That’s a really good way to look at it being like I’m a lightning rod and I’m an example of like what’s happening to women everywhere, because it’s hard to not feel personal, like it’s personal in that moment. But that’s really good. 

[00:24:41] Jameela It’s really not personal it can’t be personal because they don’t know me and they weren’t fucking there. So it just can’t be personal. And, and it’s and it set me free. And then I was like, Oh, okay. Oh, oh. If they thought I was annoying before now, like. 

[00:24:59] Elyse Now I don’t care. 

[00:25:01] Jameela Now I don’t give a fuck. Like they. I was robbed in broad daylight of all of my fucks, and now I have none left to give. And I’m now just like a wild, loose cannon who’s putting everything out there. And I don’t really give a fucking shit if you believe me or not. Because I know what happened. I know I’m not crazy and I’m going to continue to thrive and tell my stories and tell my truth. And you can either get on or you can fuck off. And that’s genuinely how I feel. And I think 

[00:25:26] Elyse this is amazing. 

[00:25:27] Jameela And, and all that changed was my mindset. It didn’t make people start to believe me more, but I changed and I found my power and my life has gone on to completely thrive. My mental health thrives and it is just it’s honestly the amount of people I don’t like and judge and it doesn’t impact their lives negatively means it should never in my life that other people don’t like me or judge me. 

[00:25:49] Elyse Yeah, I think I think that the difference some not to negate that at all. 

[00:25:54] Jameela No no please. 

[00:25:54] Elyse The difference is a lot of a lot of the times the people that you’re silently judging and not liking, you’re not making content about them so that they see it, so that they feel horrible about themselves. 

[00:26:06] Jameela No of course but all I mean is that

[00:26:08] Elyse But no, I totally agree with you. 

[00:26:10] Jameela But what I mean is that like, I don’t go around loving and admiring everyone else, so therefore I don’t really expect anyone to go around loving or admiring me. And it doesn’t make me some great Buddhist. It just means that I’ve just my body shape is none of my business anymore. My skin is none of my fucking business anymore. And how I come across is none of my business anymore because I can’t control someone else’s perception of any of those things. 

[00:26:36] Elyse Yeah. 

[00:26:37] Jameela And. And now that I’ve come to terms with that and I think that’s a thirties thing, I feel free. 

[00:26:43] Elyse Yeah, that’s really good. I just. I’m just taking notes over here. This is amazing.

[00:26:50] Jameela Bless you. So. So I would love to talk to you in a bit more depth about your mental health that you’ve been super open with so boldly and so beautifully and again. So I hate the word relatable. It’s been totally bastardized in the last ten years because, again, it sounds like someone something that someone’s doing with motive. But I, I find you deeply relatable and enjoyable to watch. Can you talk to me about your mental health journey then, aside from the postpartum depression? 

[00:27:21] Elyse Yeah. I mean, I think it’s just something I’ve always struggled with. I think, you know, I had my first panic attack when I was like nine years old. I didn’t know it when I was younger, but I would go through downswings of depression that I later found out was depression, you know, like in high school. And honestly, my entire life has just felt like I have been trying to get back to the starting line where everyone else just starts. And it’s really everything in my life has become a system. It’s so that I know if things are out of order and kind of chaotic, like what’s wrong with the system and how do we fix the system to get back to the finish or a starting line so we can then be at baseline with everybody else and then start, you know, your life. 

[00:28:08] Jameela That’s really beautiful. That’s that’s really a really special way of looking at it, of trying to get back to where you were rather than trying to get to the final destination of perfect happiness and mental health. 

[00:28:18] Elyse Oh, yeah. It’s honestly, that’s not possible. Like, I’ve never known the finish line, so it’s there’s no point in trying to get there. It’s. 

[00:28:27] Jameela Have you ever known anyone who’s found it. 

[00:28:29] Elyse No, never no. So there’s no point. It’s like I just want to make sure that I can do what I know I can do to to get to baseline so that then my life can kind of be what it wants to be. And yeah, it’s, it’s, it’s been something that I’ve sometimes been on medication and sometimes off of it. And I’ve always been honest and I’ve never kind of been ashamed of like therapy and which is wild, cause when I married my husband, he was like, he, he had never experienced openness about your feelings that way. And it just wasn’t the way he was brought up. And we were just talking the other day because I post a lot recently, I’ve been posting a lot about my OCD, which is something I didn’t talk a lot about in high school because I thought it was more anxiety. And then later getting diagnosed with OCD, I was like, okay, cool, that’s super different. And I. Sharing that with him. I’ve been sharing these videos of when I do Day in the Life, sometimes I get stuck in, I call them loops. They’re like, some people call them ticks, but like these moments where I get stuck in this loop where I literally cannot, you know, move forward unless I complete this loop. I don’t know how long it’s going to be, but it’s. 

[00:29:36] Jameela What do you mean by a loop. 

[00:29:37] Elyse A loop, Yeah. So one of my things with OCD is, is flexing my muscles. So, like, I there’s these muscles in my arms that when they don’t feel like they flex, right, they, I get stuck in this loop where I cannot continue what I’m doing until I have the exact motion that I, you know, completed in. And it’s like, okay, that feels good. I can move forward. And when I am filming Day in the Life, I have my camera set up and I’m all excited and I’ll get stuck in this loop for like 15 minutes of me just standing there. I can’t turn the camera off because I need to finish the loop like I can’t stop what I’m doing. Water sometimes is still on from washing my hands like it’s it’s really embarrassing to, like, have so much raw footage of me getting stuck in my OCD loops. And and I have just started to post little moments of them because I talk out loud while I’m doing them, because I’m aware of what’s happening. It’s not like I just like blackout and I come back to you know when the loop is closed. It’s like I’m fully aware that if anyone walked in while I was doing this, they’d be like, What’s going on? Like, Are you alright? You know? And I so one time I was like, one of the videos was like, You’re not crazy, Elyse, you just have OCD. And then the next shot was like, Which is a little crazy. Like just that kind of like self-talk of like, man, I am fully aware, looking outside in like this is, this seems wild, but being honest about that really helps me kind of laugh about it. And sometimes that’s the thing that gets me out of it. 

[00:31:10] Jameela And do people, do people accept that. Or do people say this is staged for attention? Like. 

[00:31:16] Elyse Oh, people have all kinds of opinions. I’ve never gotten it’s staged because it looks very like uncomfortable, like it’s uncomfortable to watch, you know? And so, I mean, maybe I stay I try and stay out of my comments on YouTube as much as possible. 

[00:31:30] Jameela I just wanted to know because you 

[00:31:32] Elyse Oh, yeah, 

[00:31:32] Jameela Because it’s such a vulnerable thing. And I was like, I wonder how if if people are being scrutinizing your stories. 

[00:31:37] Elyse Oh, yeah. I mean, most, most of time people scrutinize the fact that I’m posting it at all. Like a lot of people are like, This is not helpful. This is weird. Like, why are you posting this? And then you get like 90% of the comments from people that are like, This is my exact type of OCD and I have never seen it in anybody. I have tried to explain this to my family my whole life. Like I have people that say they send my videos to their moms and are like, This is me. This is what I’ve been experiencing. And like my whole family’s telling me I’m a liar and this is it right here. Like, it’s so it’s so like life changing for me to see those those responses that I keep doing it. But I was just, you know, talking to my husband, saying, like, the fact that I post those and people see themselves in it is like so validating of like, yes, this is why I do this and this is why I am embarrassed in that moment and this is why I let people in. And I’ve always felt comfortable doing that. But now with millions of people watching it, it’s just a continuous like check in with myself of like, am I comfortable doing this? Am I comfortable sharing this? Because I had somebody when I was starting really early on say, if you don’t want to talk about this 17 million times in front of 17 million people, then I would not let it come out of your mouth because you’re going to then do it over and over and over again. And I was like, okay, okay. And that’s 100% true. I have known that to be true since the very first day I started doing anything in public, just in general. And yeah, and so I’m careful about letting things in, people in. And when I do, it’s like, I know this is going to be something I’m going to talk about till the day I die. It’s going to be printed on my tombstone like. 

[00:33:34] Jameela It’s also ADHD that you have struggled with, which isn’t to do with mental health necessarily, but it can impact your mental health. Can you talk to me a bit about that now that you’ve opened that door and I’m going to be part of the floodgates? 

[00:33:46] Elyse Great. Yeah. Oh, my gosh, yeah. ADHD has been something I’ve had since I probably was born, honestly. 

[00:33:54] Jameela Can you explain what that is, just for anyone who might be new to it. 

[00:33:57] Elyse Yeah. So there’s there’s A.D.D., there’s ADHD. ADD is just attention deficit disorder. ADHD is attention deficit hyperactive disorder. And it essentially is like this, like inability to focus. But with that, with with the h added in there, for me, it’s hyperactivity. So those kids that you thought, like you just like fed a bunch of sugar to and just I couldn’t calm down or like tying shoelaces in class and under like desks like that was me. And it truly made me feel like I was the biggest inconvenience my entire life. Like I have felt like I am just like the root of everyone’s problems around me. Like that is were internal I like internalized. And if you see behind me, I have a treadmill desk like I don’t work unless I’m walking. I used to pace when I first had my apartment. I would I was a web developer and I had my laptop and I would be coding with one hand because I would be holding my laptop with the other and like pacing in a room. 

[00:34:54] Jameela How fun for your downstairs neighbor. 

[00:34:56] Elyse Oh, I know. Luckily I was in the garden level, so it was like, like bottom. 

[00:35:00] Jameela It’s like living under Jumanji. 

[00:35:01] Elyse Yes, I know. But I actually picked the first level apartment for that exact reason. Like, that is like, how like, deep this, like, insecurity goes in me. So. Yeah, like when I was in school, the first teacher that I ever had that accommodated my ADHD was I would rip paper up and I would make huge messes and it would be super like distracting in class. And it if I didn’t rip paper, I would be singing and humming and not paying attention all. But if I could take a piece of paper and I’d take one notebook sheet and I’d start the corner and I’d rip a thin layer all the way down to the point where I would like rip a little like spiral. And the whole thing is, you know, like when you. 

[00:35:42] Jameela Yes. yeah yeah, Oh my god, I rip paper constantly when I’m nervous and when I’m anxious, I love to tear pieces of paper to the point where like one of the most moving things a partner ever did for me was when we were walking into a party. And I’m terrible in social situations, terrible at parties, hate parties so much. Always have they they knew I was going to be anxious, handed me a piece of little piece of tissue paper to, so I could walk around just ripping it up like gently in my hand. 

[00:36:15] Elyse It makes you feel so known right? 

[00:36:16] Jameela I’ve never felt so seen.

[00:36:20] Elyse Well so that’s exactly what this teacher did. So I would rip paper up and the teacher put a ream of printer paper on my desk and let me come in. And he was like, you know, he’s like, You don’t worry about cleaning it up. Just like, don’t rip up anybody else’s paper and I’ll take care of it. And like that it was exactly that. You feel so loved. So seen like for the first time someone’s like, Hey, this thing that you do is not an inconvenience to me and you’re allowed to do it Like that’s how it feels. Just like the partner, like giving you the tissue paper like it’s a big deal. And when you just have every, like when it feels like everything you do is like a negative to somebody else, When somebody does that to you, you just feel like maybe I am not as much of a problem as I think I am, and maybe I’m not, you know, an issue to other people. And so, yeah, the ADHD has been that and then learning how to be medicated has been a life changing thing. And then also like. Be like being having ADHD with a partner is very interesting because he gets to see all of the things that are not like quirky and cute about it. You know, like I think that social media has taken ADHD and made it something that’s like funny. And it is. It is. It can be very funny. But I think that because like a lot of people are like self diagnosing them themselves on on TikTok especially like I see it all over my for you page of like maybe you have ADHD ADHD if like you you like to scroll on TikTok while watching a TV show or like little things like that and I’m like totally that, that you totally could have ADHD maybe, but also you could just like to, like, you know, do multiple things at one time like that. Like my life has been it’s been crippling. So it’s like it’s just such bigger things than that. And so having a partner kind of. 

[00:38:03] Jameela Yeah you’re right we have yeah, we’ve, we’ve colloquiallized so many of these massive things. And we are now encouraging self-diagnosis which I also understand given especially women have a difficult time getting a diagnosis for literally anything. 

[00:38:15] Elyse Oh I’m all for self-diagnosis. It’s just the, it’s just there has to be like there has to be a balance. It’s like just because you can. 

[00:38:23] Jameela We need more info as well as to what that thing is. Because I, you know, technically have a short attention span. I can’t read and I, you know, I have to do my multiple things that same time. I definitely do not have ADHD. I can have ADHD adjacent tendencies, but I live with someone who I live with two people who have severe ADHD, but they can’t fucking get anything done. 

[00:38:43] Elyse Oh my God. 

[00:38:44] Jameela And like, make everyone angry with them. Everyone’s disappointed they can’t get back to anyone. They can’t finish a task. They are tortured by their inability to finish a simple task because they don’t want to live in the. But they can’t tolerate the boredom of getting the task done. And it’s not that they are being spoiled. They literally have like a I believe that there’s like increasing research to say that there’s like a severe dopamine deficiency in people with ADHD. And so the the lack of dopamine in fulfilling a mundane task is actually unbearable. Right. To people with ADHD. Rejection feels much worse, apparently to someone with ADHD. 

[00:39:18] Elyse Yeah, it’s all of your emotions feel heightened, you get flooded, there’s no middle ground. It’s either like I am going to do everything or literally nothing. And if you get pulled away, like if I am on a roll and someone interrupts me, it will send me almost into like a toddler fit because I’m like, This was my one chance like this. My brain was finally locked in and you just took me from it. Like you. It’s like someone is just like hurting you in the worst possible way and it’s not on purpose. Like, and then when you feel things that you’re flooded, you’re just flooded. And yeah, your inability to connect with people like I call myself a social ghost, a social sprinter, like either, you know, I am sprinting in a party and I lose steam 5 minutes in and I’m like, I need to go and I need to recharge for like 17 days. I am so deeply depleted that like even my best friend and like, my husband will not fix this in me. I [inaudible] my husband. He does not recharge me. I love him so much. I need to be completely alone in total silence or watching like reality TV where someone’s screaming at me.

[00:40:21] Jameela Fucking hell, How are you a mum? Like with that? Like, how do you do that? That’s amazing. That’s one of the reasons I could I couldn’t do it is because I need to go and be alone for days. 

[00:40:33] Elyse Well, I work so my, I’m not a stay at home mom. I tried it and it was the worst experience I’ve ever had. I love my son so much and I was not built to be a stay at home parent. And so when I got done with my maternity leave, I was working full time and taking care of him. My husband was working and he came home and said, I want to stay home with August. Like, I don’t know how you feel about that. And I was like, I don’t want to like, this is the best. Like, I’m so glad we feel this way. So. So there’s that where I do only, you know, I’m with him, and when I’m with him, it’s me and him. But like, I have the break of work and that’s really good for my brain. And Jonas is wired to do that all day. But honestly, it’s a lot of being really honest with myself and not feeling like I should be feeling any certain way. Like I struggle with that. The first year of him existing is like, I should want to be here right now. I should feel happy. I should like, be able to to be home 24 seven with this person screaming at me and abusing me like a baby. Not like they don’t have any emotional regulation. And and you shouldn’t nobody should do anything when they’re a parent. It’s only what works for you. And letting go of those expectations are important. 

[00:41:48] Jameela Yeah, that’s best for the baby as well, because like a happy, happy parent is only going to be like better for your own mental health. There’s the [inaudible] around that like this, this like obsession with making mothers be martyrs and go against all of their natural instincts as to what they need to do to self preserve. It means that someone’s running on empty and then unable to really give that baby. You know what they want to give the baby. It’s not fair. Another thing with ADHD that I think is a kind of unsung struggle, from what I understand now, living with people who have it is the misunderstanding that people have about you that it’s a moral failing. I used to think that they had a moral failing like this. Like, how the fuck can you focus for 17 hours on this? But you can’t make a cup of tea or you can’t write back to this person about the important things that our like mortgage depends on it. But like, because we all live here together and so we’re all responsible for stuff together and someone drops a really important ball, but then is able to focus on a task unendingly with perfect focus. I didn’t understand hyperfocus. I didn’t understand hyperfocus can also happen even in ADHD. 

[00:43:00] Elyse Oh yeah. 

[00:43:01] Jameela It’s so. So I used to get mad in a way that now I don’t I recognize that like, Oh, it’s because this task is boring and you aren’t being a brat. You actually have like. They’re all on medication now, which has massively helped. Dopamine regulation. But Jesus Christ, it must be really. It must, like I have so much more empathy now that I understand it. And I deeply regret not having understood it before. 

[00:43:25] Elyse I think that the hardest part, especially for me, the biggest downfall that affects me in my life, is the relational aspect of it. Like I function in relationship very differently, almost like an alien compared to other people. And it’s really hard. Like it’s really hard to be fully honest to maintain any type of relationship. I, I do not get to people like get back to people. I do not text them back. I really struggle with my emails. I never answer a phone call. If you give me a voicemail, I’m never going to hear it. Like I have to have people that I trust and feel safe with Text me to let me know that someone else texted me. Like it’s like. It’s I really, really struggle with it and for people that don’t, 

[00:44:16] Jameela That’s so funny my boyfriend is one of those people who’s got the severe ADHD and whenever people would like, he just get back to me, I would say text in caps lock and he will respond to you immediately. 

[00:44:25] Elyse Yeah. People have to text my husband to text me. So if it’s really serious, they’ll text my husband and Jonas will call me and be or text me and be like, Hey, can you get back to your mom? Like she really needs to talk to you. It’s just like dear God. 

[00:44:43] Jameela I’m everyone’s port of call in all of these boys lives like everyone’s mother has my number there in my DMs, like 

[00:44:49] Elyse it’s a nightmare. 

[00:44:50] Jameela I’m like, honestly, I have like I moonlight as just like, their assistant communications assistant. 

[00:44:56] Elyse That is the life of of loving somebody with ADHD. It’s like you become this person whether you wanted to or not. It’s it’s really hard. And it’s very honestly, like, thank you for doing that because I don’t I wouldn’t have relationships without Jonas carrying the burden of a lot of that emotional work. Like, I just wouldn’t and I would be genuinely okay with it, which is very bizarre to say. I love being in relationship with people, but the fear of it is so crippling that I would rather just not have one, like with somebody like be afraid. I would rather not have a friend than have to maintain a friendship, which is so hard for me because then I get depressed and lonely and I wish I could. And that’s where that like shame and that should shoulding on myself kind of happens. But you have to surround yourself with people that know you like, really know you and and can make up the difference because they love you. And that’s a really important thing. 

[00:45:53] Jameela I did the Jesus thing, you know, which is a sentence I don’t say often in any context, but I was like, he fucking knew 12 people was the most people, 12 people, 12 apostles, 12 friends. I was like 12 friends is at best the most I will ever be able to manage. 

[00:46:11] Elyse I’ve got two and I’m like, I don’t know if I can do it. 

[00:46:14] Jameela Yeah, but a lot of mine are on the other side of the pond. So they don’t have to call me either so it’s perfect. Like, that’s why I live with my friends. so that we we’re all fucking useless and we’d never see anyone ever again. We would all have beards that start under our eyeballs that just sort of grow out of our eyeballs and we’d never like look like Howard Hughes. Just long toenails, like, curled into themselves. And so living together was the only way that we could guarantee that we would all be social and see eachother. 

[00:46:40] Elyse Oh, yeah, it’s the it’s the object permanence. If I can’t see it, it doesn’t exist. So it’s really that is how I operate 20. That is my whole life. People, things, money, jobs. If I cannot see it right in front of me, it doesn’t exist. 

[00:46:55] Jameela Oh, no. Even my boyfriend. As soon as he. Yeah, as soon as he leaves the house, he’s dead to me. He is dead to me until he comes back. And then I’m like, Oh, my God, I love you. You’re so hot. But I had while he was gone, I had no idea who he was. 

[00:47:08] Elyse Yeah, this is why my, my. My husband sends me photos of my son, like, all day, because he’s like, Hey, just remember, you’ve got a family. And then I just put my phone on Do not disturb, because I’m like, I can’t see this right now. 

[00:47:21] Jameela Well, it’s kind of helpful for us because we don’t have children that, you know, he goes off and he tours and I go off and I film. And we don’t like struggle immensely with it because we are able to just. 

[00:47:34] Elyse Because you can. 

[00:47:35] Jameela Just Yeah we forget the other one exists like we have two different types of Neurodivergent mean that we both just cut each other out of our lives. 

[00:47:44] Elyse There was a time in my life. 

[00:47:45] Jameela It hasn’t led to cheating, which is, which is good. You know, it’s only been eight and a half years. You never know. 

[00:47:50] Elyse You never know. Knock on wood. 

[00:47:52] Jameela I just don’t want. I don’t want anyone. I just want to be alone. As soon as I’m alone, I just want to stay alone. I have no craving for other people. And unless you are thrust in front of me, I have no. I have no interest. 

[00:48:04] Elyse I could not relate any more to that. 

[00:48:04] Jameela Yeah, it’s so funny. And then people think you’re cold and cold your. And then you’re so warm when you see them and they can’t. They can’t. What’s the word? They can’t relate that I guess to the person who is 

[00:48:21] Elyse Ignores them. 

[00:48:21] Jameela So distant and ignores them. And when they first walk in a room looks at them like they’ve like I’ve never met you before. 

[00:48:26] Elyse Yeah. 

[00:48:26] Jameela And how do you reconcile that? 

[00:48:29] Elyse I have two best friends and we have a group text, and I feel safer texting the group text than I do them individually, because again, just people scare me. And if I send it to a group text, it feels more like an abyss. I’m just shooting a shot into, you know, And I’m like, Who knows who’s going to read this? There’s two people other than me, and this one of them is going to read it. But it’s like who knows, it’s a stranger on the other end of that. And like and that’s easier for me. And they’ve kind of accommodated me as a friend. But then when we get in person, it’s the same. I’m like, I think we’re related in some way. You’re my family. Like we share some DNA like I am you, you are me. Like we are soul mates. Like. It’s it’s very interesting. So, yeah, I can’t I can’t do more than a couple people other than my family because it’s just I’m not going to give them what they need in a relationship. And that’s okay. I’ve accepted it about myself. 

[00:49:23] Jameela Okay. So getting back to what it is that you’re doing with this career path that you have grown in sharing and helping people feel less alone, what do you have now? Like where is this going and what do you hope to achieve? 

[00:49:40] Elyse Gosh. I have I have never been somebody that if you ask me, what’s your five year plan, I can tell you because, you. 

[00:49:51] Jameela No no, same, same, same, same I just wonder. 

[00:49:53] Elyse Ok. But but. 

[00:49:54] Jameela I’m saying what’s your manipulative little plan? Elyse, okay.

[00:49:56] Elyse Yeah. Here’s my five year plan. 

[00:49:59] Jameela I mean how else are you going to douse us with your lies.

[00:50:01] Elyse Invest today. 

[00:50:03] Jameela Yeah yeah. How are you going to steal our money and our time and ruin our children. Go on? 

[00:50:11] Elyse No, I. My, my three my three goals when I make content is to make people feel seen and loved and like they belong. And so anything that I do, I filter through those three things. And that’s honestly my goal long term until the day I die. That’s not just a job thing. That’s a family thing, that’s a friend thing, that’s just an existing human thing. And my goal is to. Honestly take this as far as I can without losing myself. And if I ever feel like it is not possible for me to remain myself and to be healthy and to be a healthy friend, mom and wife and love what I’m doing, then I will just jump ship and go back to web development because I would much rather do that than be famous, though so it’s like the human heart was not built for fame. And it’s very, very bizarre. 

[00:51:08] Jameela Talk to me about that. Talk to me about that because it’s interesting. 

[00:51:10] Elyse Well, my my one of my good friends, Ben, told me that before I got famous. He is famous. So he said the human heart is not meant for fame. And I was like, I can see that conceptually as something I would understand to be true, but I not until I experienced it. You’re not meant to have the entire world know your name. You’re not meant to be going out in public and having people stopping you and introducing themselves to you. You’re not meant for people to know your family by name when you’ve never met them. And it happens. And you and I’m grateful that I have impact. But my human brain and my human heart is not meant to be known by this many people. I can’t personally have a relationship with all of them. And so for them to know me and me not know them is just it’s on a scientific level. I’m sure we’ll study it in a hundred years and look back and be like, How did people survive? You know, like it’s. It’s just very interesting. 

[00:52:07] Jameela My one of my friends who who lives with me at the moment, she just said to me, I just don’t want to be perceived. 

[00:52:16] Elyse Yeah. Oh, yeah. 

[00:52:17] Jameela I was like what lovely way of saying that I do not wish to be perceived. She doesn’t. Not not even by us who live in our house. 

[00:52:24] Elyse Yeah. Not even by herself. She doesn’t even want to have. Yeah, it’s. I understand that 100%. But um, but while saying all of that, I also understand that like, incredible impact and, and life changing moments have come through me to people because of what I’ve shared, and I can’t discount that. And so my goal is genuinely to just take this as far as I can until I don’t feel safe in it anymore. And I don’t know if that’s going to be 50 years from now. I hope. I hope it is, but it might be five, it might be three, it might be next month and. And I think that, like, I don’t want to be a person that stays in it so long that they lose themselves in it, that really that really scares me because I can do that in anything. It doesn’t have to be this career. I’ve done that in personal relationships. I’ve done that in jobs I’ve had in the past, and I don’t want to lose myself again. I’ve finally gotten back to it to me, and I won’t let anyone take that away from me. And so that’s my goal. I guess, is. 

[00:53:32] Jameela Yeah. And also like, you know, you’ve you’ve not just on this because you were creating a casual outlet, you’ve continued on because you can see a gap not just in the market, but a gap in our sort of social infrastructure in which there are a lot of people, especially women, feeling like they can be themselves, they can be raw, they can go makeup free or filter free. They can let their curly hair just exist in freedom. Even though I love curly hair and I fucking curl my hair to make my hair look like your fucking hair grows out of your head. And then, I don’t know, like my friends with curly hair want straight hair. 

[00:54:08] Elyse Oh, yeah, we hate it. We hate curly hair.

[00:54:10] Jameela It’s an infuriating like endless like, hyperloop of bullshit. But, you know, people have opinions on your appearance. 

[00:54:18] Elyse Yeah. So many. Like opinions that I don’t even. I don’t even want. I don’t even have those opinions. I don’t have as many opinions about myself that you have about me. Like. 

[00:54:25] Jameela It’s actually really impressive if someone is able to out bully you. Like in the way that we bully ourselves so 

[00:54:30] Elyse Have you heard the way I talk to myself. Like you said, something I haven’t said to myself that is honestly impressive. I’m taking notes and using that later when I hate myself. 

[00:54:39] Jameela But people feel like even you deciding not to wear the make up or not to do your hair in the morning is like a bit in some way of you trying to get attention or manipulate people. It’s so fucking insane. If you did do yourself up. They’d be like, why’d you do yourself up? 

[00:54:56] Elyse 100%. I saw a video of somebody on an account. You know, there’s accounts where they are like the success to someone going viral, like their whole account is based on like teaching you how to go viral. Have you seen those? 

[00:55:06] Jameela Yes. Yes. 

[00:55:06] Elyse So they I just was scrolling on my For You page which is literally why I’m taking a break from social media right now. I saw a video of of me pop up of this person like green screening in front of my face like here’s how Elyse Myers goes viral every time and he’s like breaking what I do down on to like a scientific like molecular level. And I’m like, my dude, you have put more thought into this one video than I have put in to my entire career. Like, I have never consciously decided to do any of this, like saying like, I exactly. I don’t do my makeup so that I appear more relatable. I don’t do my hair. I he said that I go and make my hair more messy and change my clothes. And I was like, Oh, you’ve never had a newborn. That makes sense. You’ve never been depressed. Got it like. It. It’s just it’s wild to me. Like I and I think that that’s why I’ve stayed in it is because like. I do so many things that are so natural to me that are life changing for people that it’s like, okay, like I’m just going to keep doing that. Like I’m just going to share like, okay, side note though. For people to be like, You’re so brave. Like, I just have my face on a camera. Like, you’re so brave for like just showing up with that face. Like you’re a monster. 

[00:56:19] Jameela I don’t use filters for the reason of like the fact that not only is it going to fuck up the people who look at me, but is going to fuck up me it’s going to fuck me up is going to make me then look in the mirror and hate my nose and then go to the doctor and then want to change my nose to make it look like the nose in the filter, which looks like Voldemort half the time. Like they just want us to have no noses now. Women.

[00:56:39] Elyse Zero noses. 

[00:56:41] Jameela Are not allowed to. We used to not be allowed to have any fat. Now we’re not allowed to have a nose. We are allowed two very small nostrils that have no hair in them and. 

[00:56:49] Elyse Which I try and is so unhealthy. I’m just smelling everything and getting sick. 

[00:56:55] Jameela I no. I just like like people zoom in on my nose hair in, like paparazzi will zoom in if I have one little nose hair coming out and publish the photograph just of the tip of my nose with the nose hair coming out it’s like, that is a fucking normal thing to have. 

[00:57:13] Elyse That’s crazy. 

[00:57:13] Jameela It’s so funny to me. And I just don’t mind my nose. I just mind my messy eyebrows. I don’t I don’t care that I change my fuckin hairstyle in, yes, 35 years, but it’s a very long time. But nor did George Clooney. So let’s back the fuck off.

[00:57:27] Elyse I mean, you just have hair I don’t like. I genuinely don’t understand. Like, I.  

[00:57:33] Jameela It’s. It’s just we we are we are born to be judged. We are born to be scrutinized. It’s such a weird thing. And I think it’s great that you reject it. And. And it’s better for your mental health, right? 

[00:57:48] Elyse Well, yeah. And I think I think honestly, it goes back to me, just like I really struggle with not being honest and I genuinely like that’s why I am really bad at acting. I love acting and it’s fun, but then the moment I get on a set, I’m like, These people know I’m lying right now. Like, like not the people watching what I’m going to act in, but the people filming me. I’m like, They are aware that I am lying. Like I really so a filter doing doing my makeup that wasn’t already done doing hair that wasn’t like I did. I respect and love you so much. I didn’t get ready for this physically in any way like this this interview like. And it’s but the thing is, it’s because. 

[00:58:24] Jameela No it’s fine. I didn’t get ready for you. I was doing something else this morning.

[00:58:27] Elyse Ok. But like if I were to, I would be sitting here thinking like, I’m lying to her right now. It’s. And that’s not true because I can go get ready for an event and I can look different in different settings, but that is more where it stems from me of like, I just didn’t think about making this conscious decision because I’m just showing up the way I am. And for people to be like, that’s radical. I’m like, Well, I can keep doing that. That’s easy. It’s then seeing people that hate you because you look the way you do. It’s like, Well, that’s just me. I didn’t. I can’t hide that. You just hate my face Like, I can’t really do anything about that. 

[00:58:58] Jameela I know, I just really think if you hate anything, if you hate something about someone where they’re not doing something horrible 

[00:59:03] Elyse You care too much. 

[00:59:04] Jameela No, you just hate yourself. You just hate yourself. And there’s so much hatred in you that now it’s got no space and it needs to come back out of you onto other people. And when you see parts of other people that remind you of your self, parts of yourself that maybe you judge or don’t like, then you feel the need to attack that because you feel like if you attack it in someone else, then you’re able to attack it and erase it from yourself. It’s like a you think it purifies you. It’s why liberals fucking attack other liberals who make mistakes. It’s why we all like the right wing attack each other. It goes into politics, it goes into social politics, it goes into school. The way that we treat, you know, anyone we deem to be weak or other. And that was always me at school. We just have a need to attack that always comes from an unhappy place. And I think the reason I know this is that I was a fucking hater when I was like 23, 24, 25. I was just talking shit about people publicly on radio, on Twitter. I was just being a total fucking cunt about like famous people, including famous women. And I feel so mortified that I used to do that, but I was like a miserable, mentally ill bitch. I was just a fucking bitch who hated my life. I couldn’t see that my self-hatred was just like pouring out on everyone else. I just projecting, projecting, projecting. And now, as a much happier person, ten years later, it would not cross my mind to go and randomly write a mean comment or a snarky tweet or a mean, dehumanizing joke for the sake of the clicks and the claps. Like, now, when I am personal, it’s because someone’s done something fucking deplorable where they aren’t behaving like a human. So I don’t feel like I’m dehumanizing them, but I never come for someone who’s just doing what they’re doing and enjoying themselves anymore because I’m no longer miserable myself. Sorry. 

[01:00:53] Elyse I also couldn’t imagine having the time. I’m like you must have so much time. 

[01:00:58] Jameela I have the time. I just don’t have the inclination. And that’s a really nice sign of like, my personal progress. I was such a fucking cunt. I can’t even I had a whole blog of being a cunt. It was like my brand. I’m so mortified by myself. 

[01:01:14] Elyse I remain that season of you. I mean, I did not. 

[01:01:17] Jameela It was awful. I’m honestly just like, continuing to, like, try to be good in this world so I can, like, make up for my carbon cunt footprint. 

[01:01:24] Elyse Did you [laughs]

[01:01:30] Jameela Sorry. 

[01:01:30] Elyse That took me by surprise. 

[01:01:39] Jameela Oh. Oh, God I’m hot with shame. 

[01:01:40] Elyse Oh God, does that follow you everywhere you like in your brain? Like, does that follow you with, like, people knowing that about you? 

[01:01:49] Jameela No, people don’t know that about me. That was in England. That was another career ago. I just feel the need to explain it to people because I want people to know that we can all change and we can all do better, and that I, as the king of the cunts, can become better like then anyone can. 

[01:02:05] Elyse You should write an autobiography and like, make that the title. And instead of queen, like a king and you’re standing on the throne like this. And you’ve got your leg just like up.

[01:02:16] Jameela Yeah with my big cunt beard. Yeah.

[01:02:18] Elyse Yeah. 

[01:02:21] Jameela I just. Oh, God, I’m so sorry if you were listening to this with your kids, anyone. They have a new word now. that I. Yeah. 

[01:02:29] Elyse Oh, my gosh. I’m really proud of you for changing. It’s going to have an e 100%. 

[01:02:35] Jameela Thanks. I’m proud of you for never having been this way, even though you also had your own mental health struggles. Thank you for not taking it out on other people. 

[01:02:42] Elyse I just did it to myself. So, it’s all good. I did it internally.

[01:02:47] Jameela Yeah. Yeah. It’s. It’s a nightmare. It’s an I’m a nightmare. But, you know, we all make mistakes. 

[01:02:54] Elyse That’s part two of the autobiographies. Is I’m a nightmare. 

[01:02:57] Jameela Yeah, well, it’s just a but again, that’s a that’s for me is also the other way, which I don’t choose to filter myself right? That for me feels like pretending that like washing away my mistakes, feels like washing away my pores and my nose. Eradicating my nose, like washing away all the ugly parts of me that I can explain. Even if I’m still. If I’m. Even if I’m not excusing them, I can explain them. It feels like filtering who I am. And if I filter my past and I erase my mistakes and I can never learn from them and I no one can ever love me for who I am now. The people who listen to this podcast know all of my fucking gross parts and like, worst tendencies and, like, shitty ineptitudes, and they continue to listen in spite of that. And I feel so much more seen and loved and accepted because of that.

[01:03:43] Elyse Well yeah, that’s real love. 

[01:03:45] Jameela Even if they judge me for it, I at least know that they still show up. 

[01:03:49] Elyse Yeah. I mean, when people say forgive and forget, I literally say forgiven tattoo on the inside of my eyelids. Like I’m never going to forget like. If I. If, like. People that love me need to know everything I’ve done or else if they say they love you, I’m like, You don’t know me. You don’t know anything I’ve said.

[01:04:04] Jameela Love the facade. 

[01:04:04] Elyse Yeah. And so. So I fully am in full support of that. Like it’s. Yeah, you have to share all of that with people. 

[01:04:12] Jameela But also it gives permission in the same way that you give permission to a mother to just like fucking, just get through the day without having to look like a cookie cutter, 1950s poster of what a mother supposed to look like. It’s the same thing that I’m trying to do is, is give people permission to have fucked up and to have learned and to still have more growth and learning to do and that it’s okay. This perfectionism that we we burdened women with in every single way, not just esthetically, is exactly what’s holding us back and it’s fucking deliberate. It’s to waste our time and to stop us from growing as people. So. 

[01:04:45] Elyse Wow. 

[01:04:45] Jameela I don’t know. We’ll see. We’ll figure it out together. 

[01:04:47] Elyse Figure it out. Ok. 

[01:04:48] Jameela It’s been so nice to talk to you, by the way. 

[01:04:50] Elyse Thank you. 

[01:04:50] Jameela This has been such a lovely chat. 

[01:04:51] Elyse I know. 

[01:04:51] Jameela We’ll never speak to each other again because of our personalities, I think. But if I bump into you anywhere in the world, I. I can’t wait to give you a hug.

[01:05:00] Elyse Have you say, if you would’ve told me, like, five years ago that I would be talking to you casually, I would have been like, You are fucking out of your mind. Like, I. I just like I watched. I watched you on The Good Place and you were my favorite character in that show and just me on my couch, depressed as shit. Like five years ago, would have never believed I’d be chatting with you. So this is genuinely very full circle in a very surreal way. 

[01:05:28] Jameela Oh, that’s so sweet. Well, I mean, look, I’m a massive admirer of yours, and I’m, uh. I’m very happy to have you here. I think that the way that you put yourself across the world is very helpful. And I know it doesn’t come at zero cost to you. I’m well aware that that’s a sacrifice, but a lot of people really appreciate it, and I think it’s very cool. I’m not going to say brave, but it’s very cool.

[01:05:51] Elyse You’re so brave. 

[01:05:55] Jameela And I love your face exactly as it is. Just to 

[01:05:57] Elyse Thank you.

[01:05:57] Jameela put that on the record. 

[01:05:59] Elyse Same. 

[01:05:59] Jameela Before you go, Elyse, will you tell me, what do you weigh? 

[01:06:03] Elyse Yes. I am so glad someone prepped me for this question. Because I would have given you a little number 

[01:06:08] Jameela Because you’re pregnant. 

[01:06:09] Elyse Yeah. I would have been like, That’s rude. Okay, bye, um. I feel like I’m supposed to have a funny answer because the example I was given was, like, funny. But the the thing that me and my family kind of really prioritize is healthy and together. And we have these values that, that I kind of run everything through of like. Everything I do, I try and keep me mentally and physically and emotionally healthy, and it keeps me and my family together and it keeps me together, like with myself. And honestly, I weigh a lot of my life and a lot of my decisions and a lot of my feelings through that those two filters. Healthy and together. And it’s like something that’s just tattooed on the inside of my heart that like will always be those are those are the two things that I, I can control and, and I can always monitor that. I can’t get a lot out of it in my life that I cannot control. But those are the things that I, I can do something about if they start to get kind of unbalanced and. Yeah. And healthy mostly means just like mentally and like, you know, my my schedule is balanced, not like I’m eating salads. Like. It’s just making sure my my heart is healthy. It’s it’s, it’s focused, it’s present, it’s available, it’s interruptible. It’s influence-able by the people I love the most. 

[01:07:33] Jameela Thank you for that. And good luck with this pregnancy. 

[01:07:38] Elyse Thank you. 

[01:07:38] Jameela And with everything you’re trying to achieve before the end of the pregnancy so you can chill. Enjoy your social media break and all of the breaks that you have coming up. And and I hope that this is an easier ride than the last one. And at the very least, you know, you were able to weather that storm and you came out the other side. And I’m sure that’s incredibly reassuring. But, it’s I massively admire anyone who goes through this. I think you’re all legends. 

[01:08:06] Elyse Thank you. 

[01:08:06] Jameela I really do. 

[01:08:07] Elyse Friggin miracle. Honestly, I can’t believe the human race is survived by, like, the choice of women and, like, just people carrying babies. Just being like, we’re doing a do it. It’s like crazy to me. 

[01:08:16] Jameela But that’s why everyone tries to destroy us. Because we’re so fucking cool. 

[01:08:20] Elyse Yeah, we are. Honestly. Yeah, we are. Actually, you’re right. 

[01:08:23] Jameela Yeah. Even some of us who are assholes like me. Still, it’s cool. It’s cool. It’s cool that we exist. We’re very powerful, very scary. And that’s why they tried to destroy us. Because they’re scared of us. Elyse, you’ve been a joy. Thank you so much for coming. 

[01:08:37] Elyse Thank you.