EP. 338 — Fifty Shades of Grey LIVE! (w/ Jessica St. Clair)

Paul Scheer This podcast has rules. If you follow them, I’ll reward you. If you don’t, I’ll punish you. Now let’s begin. Siri, order butt plugs. We saw 50 Shades of Gray, so you know what that means.

 

Music [Intro Song]

 

Paul Scheer Hello, people of Earth! And hello, people of Los Angeles! We are alive for the first part of our Valentine’s trilogy. 50 Shades of Gray based on the best selling Twilight fanfic. This movie is hot or it thinks it’s hot. If you don’t know not seeing the movie, let me set up for you. It involves a recent college grad named Anastasia, who falls in love with a 27 year old billionaire who likes to do weird shit. Is he a stalker? Is he a creep or does he like. Yes, is the answer. And you’re not wrong. People in the Bdsm community do not like this movie. They think they got it all wrong. And maybe the reason why is because the woman who wrote the fanfic of Twilight, who was almost sued by the producers of Twilight for the similarities to the exact movie and book, was on set to make sure not a word deviated from the fanfic. So that gives you just a little idea of what we’re in store for. It’s a movie where not much happens, but yet it’s two hours and 11 minutes. All right, ladies and gentlemen, to break down this film, I have some amazing co-hosts, and I have a very special guest. Please welcome to the stage, Mr. Jason Mantzoukas.

 

Jason Mantzoukas What’s up jerks?! Here we go. Here we go, Largo. You know, Paul, when you told me 50 Shades of Gray was what we were doing, I was like, three nights, three movies. Great idea. Home run. 20 minutes into this movie today, I was like, oh no, we’re fucked. Oh no, oh no no no no no no no no oh no. When I was zoning out of sex scenes when I was like, oh, there’s boobs on screen, I’ll go make more coffee. This is not. These are singular events for me. I’ve never not paid attention to tits on screen. Today I was like, no, no, no.

 

Paul Scheer It’s a movie about sex that feels the least sexy of anything I’ve seen.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Wow.

 

Paul Scheer It’s sincere. It makes me feel awkward.

 

Jason Mantzoukas There is more sexual tension between Sylvester Stallone and Sandra Bullock in Demolition Man, and they are father and daughter. Then in this movie. This is straight nonsense.

 

Paul Scheer Well, I’m happy–

 

Jason Mantzoukas And that. There’s two more. I’m not going to let you talk. And that there’s two more is absolutely chilling.

 

Paul Scheer Where does it go? We don’t know.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I will be dead by Friday.

 

Paul Scheer We have so much to talk about, but let’s bring out my other co-hosts. Please, welcome to the stage, Miss June Diane Raphael.

 

June Diane Raphael Hello. Hello, hello, hello. Hello, hello. Oh my gosh.

 

Paul Scheer Welcome, June. How are you?

 

June Diane Raphael I’m okay. How are you?

 

Paul Scheer I’m doing well, June. 50 shades of gray.

 

June Diane Raphael I. Oh, gosh. I’m so scared to say I think I liked this movie.

 

Jason Mantzoukas What? I’m so happy you said that. And I’m so happy you didn’t say any of that backstage. Team Fred fracturing at the seams.

 

June Diane Raphael I know, I don’t know what to say. I feel so exposed. I feel like Dakota Johnson. I feel like I’m tied up right now and I’m out of control. And I’m just trusting you all. I feel so naked.

 

Jason Mantzoukas There’s no way she’s a virgin in this movie.

 

Paul Scheer I buy it. How does she get anybody? She doesn’t have a computer.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Quick question.

 

June Diane Raphael Jason. Jason. Here’s how you know. Woman in her 20s is a virgin. She wears shirts with patterns.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Yes. And sweaters. The shirt sweater combination should have keyed me in. When she was wearing it and the roommate was like, is that what you’re wearing? I was like, yeah, is that why she’s wearing? What are they trying to tell me?

 

Paul Scheer She works in a hardware store, every hardware store I’ve ever been in are just old men who smell like cigarettes.

 

June Diane Raphael I was shocked they let her work there.

 

Paul Scheer Why would you? She’s not handy at all. I mean.

 

June Diane Raphael I thought for sure her interest in hardware in and her knowledge of knobs. And wrenches are. It’s going to beautifully play it to that third act. When she takes the reins.

 

Jason Mantzoukas She’s like, oh, no, you need this rope to be able to carry more weight. You know. You know.

 

Paul Scheer The one thing this movie got wrong, there’s only one. Is that in the Bdsm community, cable ties have been cut out, and that’s the one thing that she supplies him. It does permanent damage to your submissive. I do research. I do my research.

 

Jason Mantzoukas If you work in a hardware store, you absolutely know when someone is ordering a beginner creep set. Here’s my thing. If you told me this was a Dahmer story, I would believe you.

 

Paul Scheer It runs a very similar track. Now, I want to talk to you about this movie so much, but we have to introduce.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Do we have to?

 

June Diane Raphael No. We must.

 

Paul Scheer Introduce our very special guest. She is not just a How Did This Get Made All Star, she is a How Did This Get Made alternate. She is one of the family. If there was four, How Did This Get Made people, she would be the

 

Jason Mantzoukas Which they are not. No, no. Nor will there ever be.

 

Paul Scheer Okay. She is the co-host of the Deep Dive. Please welcome to the stage. Jessica St. Clair!

 

Jessica St. Clair Hello, hello.

 

Paul Scheer Welcome. Jessica. Welcome.

 

Jessica St. Clair I want you guys to know that I did my notes on my phone, and it started with, math. It was like Bebe’s math homework. So it says study multiplication threes. And then it says anal fisting. Vaginal fisting? What are butt plugs? I would like to fuck you till next Wednesday.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Those are the only notes you took? And by the way. Incredible.

 

Paul Scheer Are those notes or did you have, like, the voice-to-text app?

 

June Diane Raphael Now I want to say something about anal. I want to say something about anal fisting and vaginal fisting.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I really I also want to say something.

 

Jessica St. Clair So say it.

 

June Diane Raphael So. Yeah. Okay.

 

All [Indiscernible]

 

June Diane Raphael I actually thought, now I haven’t read the books. I didn’t know anything about this movie.

 

Paul Scheer You read the books?

 

June Diane Raphael No, I haven’t.

 

Jessica St. Clair I haven’t either.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Out of curiosity, have any of us read the books, or have any of us seen the movies?

 

Paul Scheer I’ve read sections of the book.

 

June Diane Raphael What?

 

Jessica St. Clair Excuse me?

 

June Diane Raphael That’s so much worse than reading the books.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Which sections? That’s like, I’ve only seen some scenes in a porno. Wait. It’s like. Oh, wait. No, I know, I’ve seen at least one scene from True Detective season one.

 

Jessica St. Clair Did you order the book, Paul? Or did you do that weird thing where you’re, like, in a Barnes and Noble and you’re like, oh, this is weird. There’s like, in the corner, just like flipping through.

 

Paul Scheer I purchased the book because I like literature and I like knowing what’s going on in pop culture. I had the book on my shelf for quite some time. The first one and.

 

Jessica St. Clair Shit was getting delivered.

 

Paul Scheer And, there was a passage I remember that he was describing going down on her like eating an oyster, and he described it as a salty, sweet, taste and that image of an oyster, and that it was like, oh, I don’t know if you want to put shellfish in oral sex together in a I don’t think that’s, like, the best thing.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Briny.

 

Jessica St. Clair If you’re getting a taste of the sea, you need to end that date. That PH balance is off.

 

Jason Mantzoukas You are mine. You are mine. And brined. Ooooh crack you open.

 

June Diane Raphael Listen, I haven’t read it.

 

Jason Mantzoukas He used a minuet sauce before he went down on her in the book and.

 

June Diane Raphael I’m so upset. I’m really upset.

 

Paul Scheer That’s the book, though! That’s not in the movie.

 

Jason Mantzoukas My notes are. I’m looking at them completely insane.

 

Paul Scheer I did write this. Look, we don’t want to kink shame. We don’t want to yuck anybody’s yum.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Not at all.

 

Paul Scheer But this is like, the same way when I saw, Sylvester Stallone eat pizza with a fork and knife, we have to call out it’s weird, I love pizza. That’s not the way you eat it.

 

June Diane Raphael Here’s the thing. I did not. Well, I’m going to reveal something. I found, I guess I, I don’t know, I thought there was going to be more stuff going on.

 

Jason Mantzoukas There’s two more movies.

 

June Diane Raphael I know there’s two more movies, but in this one I was like, I saw that list of things he wanted to do. And by the way, anal fisting and vaginal fisting. I believe that Christian Gray put on that list to negotiate with.

 

Paul Scheer Right.

 

Jason Mantzoukas It’s like when you put stuff in a movie that, you know, they are going to deflect and you can pull it out.

 

June Diane Raphael Exactly. So you have somewhere to go, right?

 

Paul Scheer He wants to negotiate.

 

Jessica St. Clair That’s really interesting.

 

Paul Scheer I had an issue though. How did they read that contract? It was so dark in that room.

 

Jessica St. Clair It was so dark.

 

Paul Scheer Very dark.

 

June Diane Raphael I was like, all he really seems to want to do is tie your hands up and go down on her for hours.

 

Jessica St. Clair And that’s great. And that’s great. And she gets to sleep in her own room.

 

June Diane Raphael Oh, that’s a dream.

 

Jessica St. Clair That’s a dream for most women.

 

June Diane Raphael When she kept saying, why can’t we go to sleep together? I was like, why?

 

Jason Mantzoukas Hahahahahahahaha, I’ll be honest. This guy is giving me big Patrick Bateman vibes.

 

Paul Scheer Yes.

 

Jason Mantzoukas This guy every this to me. Like, it’s as if Dakota Johnson lives in a time or. I’m so sorry, Anastasia Steele. I want to be clear this big. As Paul said at the beginning, this began as Twilight fanfiction. I believe I would have preferred it. Shockingly, I think I’m going to wind up preferring the Twilight movies. Over these movies.

 

June Diane Raphael Twilight movies are great.

 

Jessica St. Clair They’re great.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Regardless.

 

Jessica St. Clair They’re hot. That’s hot. Vampires fucking you is hot. This isn’t hot.

 

Paul Scheer Oh, wow.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Stop making ceaseless eye contact with me and screaming because they’re hot. Because vampires are hot at me. I know. I’m agreeing.

 

Paul Scheer You one is anti-team vampire. Although some of us are Team Werewolf.

 

Jason Mantzoukas But, you know, in a world in which, Anastasia Steele. It’s not 2015. It’s in fact, later would come up in the world being obsessed with true crime and true crime podcasts and murder podcasts and Murder World. Every red flag in the world.

 

Jessica St. Clair We’re living in a different time.

 

Jason Mantzoukas A time that exists when this felt like I’ll try it.

 

Paul Scheer They can’t find like it. They can’t find a picture of him on the internet. This man is a 27 year old billionaire. The four pictures on the internet are scenes from later in the movie. I mean, there’s one picture of him in the coffee shop. I want to get into that Google search engine. There’s another scene, another picture of him in the hardware store. Where is Google getting these pictures?

 

June Diane Raphael This is a great place, a great spot to ask the question, what does the Grey corporation do?

 

Jessica St. Clair It’s a media.

 

Paul Scheer I know, I know it. Business.

 

Jessica St. Clair Yeah, the media conglomerate.

 

Paul Scheer Business and telecommunications. They definitely said telecommunications, but

 

Jason Mantzoukas And but then she was like. But it seems like you have like a real sweet side or whatever, because you do all this charity work and he’s like, well, I’m not really. He’s, he’s trying to be like Bruce Wayne, but no Batman.

 

Paul Scheer Well, his Batcave is very different.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I guess that’s it.

 

Paul Scheer He does have masks and weapons, just used. Not for the Joker.

 

June Diane Raphael I guess my question, though, about his specific kink. He has his kink, which is I see lots of slapping, which is fine, you know, that’s fine. And different textures and different there.

 

Jessica St. Clair Yeah, Feathers. I love a feather.

 

Paul Scheer Is he feather dusting her or fucking her? I can’t figure it out.

 

Jessica St. Clair Dust me with a feather all night long. That’s fine.

 

June Diane Raphael No, but I did feel that there was. He makes a big statement of like, I fuck, I don’t make love.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I fuck hard.

 

June Diane Raphael But then like, I never saw you fuck hard. He seems to fuck so slowly.

 

Jason Mantzoukas It was I fuck. Period. Hard

 

June Diane Raphael Hard period. He just the fucking did seem like making love and I just.

 

Jessica St. Clair Well that’s where his internal conflict was.

 

June Diane Raphael I know, but here’s. Okay. But here’s my question.

 

Jessica St. Clair She’s changing him.

 

June Diane Raphael Here’s my question.

 

Jessica St. Clair She’s changing him.

 

June Diane Raphael Here’s my question I understand, I think what his kink is in the red in the playroom. But when he takes out a belt and whips her six times.

 

Jessica St. Clair That was tough.

 

June Diane Raphael Is that sexual or is what? Where are we there?

 

Jason Mantzoukas That’s the punishment it is like, doesn’t she say something to the effect of why don’t you show me? Yeah. The punishment, because he says, she’s saying, I’m not going to do what I would do. And she’s saying, why don’t you show me that?

 

June Diane Raphael Yes, because that was honestly, that’s the only problem I had with the movie. It’s just right there. That’s it.

 

Paul Scheer Wait. That’s it?

 

June Diane Raphael That scene was the really that scene.

 

Jessica St. Clair That was a step to far?

 

June Diane Raphael That’s abuse. That I couldn’t abide by.

 

Paul Scheer Wow.

 

June Diane Raphael And I won’t.

 

Paul Scheer But she asked for it. She did asked for it enthusiastically.

 

June Diane Raphael Paul, be careful.

 

Jessica St. Clair Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Oh, boy.

 

Jessica St. Clair The truth is, if Paul had a playroom. First of all, my first my first thought.

 

Paul Scheer The organization, I will say his organization was top notch.

 

All [Indiscernible}

 

Jason Mantzoukas But imagine you clean that apartment, right? You think he’s putting all of those elements in place? Come on.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I did think about that.

 

Jessica St. Clair But but if it was Paul’s, it would just be like a bunch of, like different batteries and then like, you know, it would be like different, you know, like different ropes for different things. You know, different containers for snacks. That’s what your playroom would be.

 

June Diane Raphael Everything would be labeled.

 

Jessica St. Clair Everything would be labeled.

 

Paul Scheer What? And without it, all of a sudden I’m being labeled. Sure I get my cable ties, I get some masking tape, I go meet young girls at the hardware store. It’s no big deal. I keep an organized pantry.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I thought it was strange that there was no insert shot of a Brother P-touch that Christian Gray was using to label.

 

Paul Scheer Typing in fuck jeans, putting it on a hanger.

 

Jessica St. Clair Flogger. That was a terrible moment. That’s a flogger, he says. I was like ugh.

 

Paul Scheer Here’s what I’ll here’s what I’ll say. Where, just to slightly disagree about the ending, I felt like she could take that hit because of the way that she fell on her face the first time we see her I’m like, this girl’s falling all the time. The way she falls in that opening scene.

 

Jessica St. Clair That was crazy.

 

Paul Scheer Okay, I don’t even understand the physics of it. It was like a ghost pushed her down.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I would love it if there was a ghost in this movie.

 

Paul Scheer I think there was one.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Please let there be a ghost.

 

June Diane Raphael I did rewind that moment Paul, a few times because I was like, what did she trip over? There’s nothing there.

 

All [Indiscernible]

 

Jason Mantzoukas It’s a heavy door. Yes, that when she hits it as if it’s as if it’s nothing. And she’s like, I thought it was gonna be heavy. And then instead, like what?

 

Paul Scheer I thought his hot assistant, like, pushed her at the last second.

 

Jason Mantzoukas The offices, everybody’s the way they’re dressed, the way it’s laid out. Looks like it’s from a shitty music video or something like that. The entire world is foundationally unbelievable. Yeah, so much so that I again, deeply wish it was just Twilight. Like, I wish it had something like, I wish we understood what his world was, what her world was. Immediately, we never get access to him. And she’s like, no, I left school. Now I live here, but who knows what I’m doing.

 

Paul Scheer I don’t even understand where she’s moving to or from. Like, she seems to be moving out of an apartment just moved to another apartment, but she’s like, is she far away from him? Is are they together?

 

June Diane Raphael I never knew when we were in Seattle, when we were outside of Seattle.

 

Jason Mantzoukas We were always in Seattle.

 

June Diane Raphael No, because there were times he’s like, we’re going to Seattle. I thought you were there.

 

Jason Mantzoukas And we need to get in a helicopter to go there. We got to get in the chopper to go to Seattle.

 

Jessica St. Clair Guys, if I am going on a first date with somebody and he’s just like, surprise, we’re getting in a helicopter. I’m just like, do you have a license for that? The whole time she’s like yay! And the whole time they’re flying. He’s just staring into her eyes like a psycho. I’m like, keep your eyes on the fucking sky asshole. I don’t want to go down!

 

Paul Scheer This guy’s love language is flying.

 

Jessica St. Clair Yeah.

 

Paul Scheer Whenever he makes a mistake, he’s like time to fly. And the bigger the mistake, the weirder the airplane.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Here’s the deal. He’s too young. He’s too young to be a good enough pilot for this to work. This is this is insane.

 

Jessica St. Clair I don’t want to go zero g with you, asshole. I don’t know who you are.

 

Jason Mantzoukas There are multiple. They also are in a glider.

 

June Diane Raphael What was that? It. Was there an engine?

 

Jason Mantzoukas No. That’s a glider.

 

June Diane Raphael I don’t know what a glider is.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I’m really worried that the second movie is going to have a hot air balloon. If it does, I’m going to flip.

 

Jessica St. Clair She’s just, like bent over the hot air balloon.

 

Jason Mantzoukas And he’s like. Oh. I’m going in while we’re going up. Here’s the deal. And none of this, even everything we’re saying, none of this is sexy.

 

Jessica St. Clair No, it’s not, none.

 

Jason Mantzoukas None of it is sexy in anyway.

 

Jessica St. Clair Not. June is not a good test audience. She could find anything sexy.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Well, here’s what I’m saying. I will say, June you’re right.

 

Jessica St. Clair It’s true.

 

Jason Mantzoukas You’re right in the sense that there is unquestionably beautiful people, photographed beautifully and in a way that I was like, oh, these are hot people. Absolutely. There’s just no spark or can it’s as if people were playing with dolls.

 

Paul Scheer I was going to say, yeah, they are as hot as mannequins. And they I am as emotionally connected to them as mannequins. They are like, yeah, that’s the that’s a body. That’s a body. I don’t know.

 

Jason Mantzoukas That’s how bodies go together.

 

Paul Scheer Like I like there’s nothing to me about Christian Gray that’s like, whoa. He’s like, he has Patrick Bateman energy. It’s like that opening scene is like that scene where Willem Dafoe is interviewing Patrick Bateman in American Psycho. We’re trying to find out if he killed him. I mean, that’s as much chemistry as you’re getting. Like, he’s not smooth. He’s not charming.

 

Jason Mantzoukas He has less charisma than Patrick Bateman.

 

Jessica St. Clair He’s got no rizz. He’s got zero rizz.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Okay. Define rizz.

 

Jessica St. Clair He’s got that rizz baby.

 

Paul Scheer No, you can’t use the word in the definition.

 

Jessica St. Clair That some hot rizz, baby. Put that rizz on me, baby.

 

Jason Mantzoukas You’re getting further away.

 

Jessica St. Clair All over my face, baby.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Do you think rizz is related to jizz?

 

Paul Scheer Jess who has rizz?

 

Jessica St. Clair Who has rizz?

 

Jason Mantzoukas Don’t say Riz Ahmed.

 

June Diane Raphael Who has rizz? None. None of those people in that movie.

 

Paul Scheer I tell you who has rizz.

 

June Diane Raphael Who?

 

Paul Scheer Dakota Johnson’s stepdad. After that gazpacho rant, I was like, all right, I like this guy. I like this guy. Like his energy. He’s the only person that gave me any bit of life. He’s like, yeah, he’s doing bits. He’s like, hey, man, I want to eat gazpacho. It’s like eating. I’m like, oh, thank God, a human being. Yeah. Someone.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Her biological dad too, I like. He just shows up at her graduation.

 

Jessica St. Clair Lovely, lovely man.

 

Paul Scheer Why are these people having such a hard time getting to her graduation? This seems like a big deal. Yes. The mom doesn’t go because the dad broke his foot. Yeah, the step, the four step dad. And then the other guy is so late that he’s, like, popping in where it looks like. Like he was in the procession of students. He’s like, oh, she’s like, I saved your seat. How?

 

June Diane Raphael It’s so hard, though. There’s certain things in these movies, these big budget movies where it’s like, it’s so weird. The the excuses are so weird, and the exposition is so damn odd that I’m forced to believe it. I’m like, I guess.

 

Paul Scheer It has to be true.

 

June Diane Raphael It has to be true because it is so wild that the stepdad can’t come because of a broken toe. That, I’m sorry that the mom, but.

 

Jessica St. Clair That’s the whole thing. That’s why she puts herself in this. And I feel when I’m speaking about this movie in a normal way that I’m like, I wrote this for my senior women’s studies thesis.

 

June Diane Raphael I know, I know, it’s tricky.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Women’s studies.

 

Jessica St. Clair For the Women’s Center. But this is why this is why she’s in these relationships. She’s not being put first by anybody. And then.

 

Paul Scheer Can we agree that she was kidnaped?

 

Jessica St. Clair What do you mean?

 

Jason Mantzoukas Oh, yeah. For sure.

 

Paul Scheer Out of the bar. She pukes and he’s like, you’re coming with me.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Yeah, yeah.

 

Paul Scheer And then she’s like, held hostage in a room. And dressed up like this.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Why is he there? It’s inappropriate. She calls him to tell him off. He shows up and abducts her.

 

Jessica St. Clair Yeah, he tracks her.

 

Jason Mantzoukas She’s in a blackout. Wakes up.

 

Paul Scheer It’s a meet puke.

 

Jason Mantzoukas It’s the best joke of the night right there. Holy shit. But I mean, his arrival. As if. As if this is, like, he’s a, a knight in shining armor who’s coming to rescue her from being drunk.

 

Paul Scheer From Jose?

 

Jason Mantzoukas Get the fuck out of here.

 

Paul Scheer Poor Jose.

 

Jason Mantzoukas This is a villain. He’s a Villian. Christian Grey is a villain.

 

June Diane Raphael Wow. This is her fault.

 

Paul Scheer And Taylor is this hatchet man. Taylor’s doing some shit.

 

Jessica St. Clair He’s doing some shadow work.

 

Paul Scheer Oh. Big time. What happened to those other 15 girls that shared the red room or whatever?

 

June Diane Raphael There are moments in this movie where they are sort of they land as comedy, but, you know, they’re not supposed to be. And I laughed so hard when Dakota Johnson is in that room and she says, how many women have have been in this room? How many women have been in this room?

 

Jason Mantzoukas Okay, June. Can we take it again, but just less.

 

Jessica St. Clair And then end with a huh.

 

June Diane Raphael How many women are in this room? And he says so quickly says 15. Yeah, I, I cried laughing. It’s just like another moment I don’t think was supposed to be funny, but I laughed was when he does start to open up about his past trauma and what happened to him when he was four. And he looks over and she’s asleep.

 

Jessica St. Clair She is sleepy time tea.

 

Jason Mantzoukas When she revealed that she was a virgin I laughed so hard.

 

Jessica St. Clair That was crazy.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I was like, absolutely not. There’s no way, shape or form.

 

June Diane Raphael So funny though.

 

Jason Mantzoukas It’s not even being played that way.

 

June Diane Raphael I know, and here’s again my only other critique. The only other is like, we actually we didn’t need her to be a virgin. And that’s, where I just felt like, l like, let her she can still have a sexual past and be opened up to.

 

Jason Mantzoukas It’s strange because she’s older than Bella from Twilight. Bella?

 

Paul Scheer Bella is in high school.

 

Jason Mantzoukas She being a virgin seems like. Okay. She’s young like that to to then map this on to. Then I’m like, well, what world is this and what world are we in? And I don’t understand it. And I feel uncomfortable. I didn’t sign anything.

 

All [Indiscernible]

 

Jason Mantzoukas I did not consent to the movie happening to me.

 

June Diane Raphael By the way, when she signs that NDA in the beginning, he’s like, here’s an NDA. She’s like yes.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Love it.

 

Jessica St. Clair No red flags there.

 

Jason Mantzoukas That’s that’s when she says, are you going to make love to me now?

 

Paul Scheer By the way. Are you going to make love to me now? She just worked an eight hour shift at the hardware store. Yeah. Got in a helicopter. Yeah. Flew for about another 40 minutes. Like, let her take a shower.

 

Jason Mantzoukas She’s like, why don’t you show me your ball peen hammer. That’s a great joke.

 

Jessica St. Clair No.

 

June Diane Raphael If you have to explain.

 

Jason Mantzoukas It’s a great joke.

 

Paul Scheer By the way. I will say that, she. Yeah, I get it. She reacts to sex and things of sex in 2015. Like, so scared. Like when she, like, looks at, like what bondage is. The girl closes that laptop so quickly, that’s like, wow, that’s freaking you. Like you.

 

June Diane Raphael They were very tame images too.

 

Jessica St. Clair Also her question, What is a butt plug? She had time. She’s taken four weeks to look at that contract. She had time to Google that.

 

Jason Mantzoukas You’re a you’re also a 20 something in 2015 and you don’t know what a butt plug is?

 

Jessica St. Clair You know what a butt plug is. Know what it is.

 

Paul Scheer My question is, why does he have to pick the pharmacist?

 

June Diane Raphael He doesn’t have to pick the pharmacist, babe. He has to pick the doctor.

 

Jessica St. Clair That’s fucking creepy.

 

Paul Scheer I thought. Yeah, that that’s controlling.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Oh you think, Paul?

 

Jason Mantzoukas Now, I do that, I do that for June because I just don’t trust any man around her. And she says to him on their first meeting, so you’re a control. Sorry. So you’re a control freak. And he says, oh, I exercise control in all things, miss Steele. Fuck you movie fuck. This is like porn character names in this movie, like Cinemax movies are more sexual, more satisfying. Red Shoe Diaries gets it right.

 

Jessica St. Clair Silk stockings is better than this shit.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Yeah. Where’s Duchovny?

 

Jessica St. Clair Here’s another red flag. Here’s the biggest red flag. If you are on a date with somebody and they’re like, want to see me play my grand piano? That means you are about to get killed. Yeah, or whipped with a peacock feather.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Or you’re dating Billy Joel.

 

Jessica St. Clair That’s right. And that’s a good scenario. But when have you ever been like, oh, that’s so sexy. That man is playing that grand piano. Now we’ve seen it already.

 

Paul Scheer I’m sorry, Chrissy Teagan, you don’t listen to her.

 

June Diane Raphael It’s true. It’s like not a guitar. It’s not a sexy instrument. I don’t want. Listen, I don’t want any man to play music to me. I don’t want any man.

 

Jessica St. Clair I don’t want to see you play sad songs on your Casio keyboard.

 

June Diane Raphael If it’s gotta be an instrument.

 

Paul Scheer Well, I mean this guy is a cheeseball, right? Because I was looking at him like, I don’t even think his style of dress is cool. Like when they go out to walk in the woods, like, I don’t like the way he’s dressed.

 

Jessica St. Clair Banana Republic, that’s a mad men collection from 1994.

 

Jason Mantzoukas He’s not dressed like he’s on succession.

 

Jessica St. Clair Yeah. No, no.

 

Jason Mantzoukas You know, I mean, well, he’s a billionaire. He’s the youngest billionaire. What was the headline? I can’t remember.

 

Paul Scheer Youngest billionaire in business.

 

Jason Mantzoukas She majored in English Lit and minored in lip biting. Is that right?

 

Paul Scheer I like when he becomes a sex terminator. Like your legs moving. That means that you’re wet. Your eyes are going like that. That means that you’ve never been fucked at night. Your ears have just. I’m like. Yeah. How do you know all of this?

 

Jason Mantzoukas Suddenly he’s Sherlock? Yeah. He’s like, he goes into his memory palace and understands fucking everything that’s happening. By the way, give me that version of it. He is done.

 

Jessica St. Clair How did he find her at the bar? He tracked her phone?

 

Jason Mantzoukas Who knows?

 

Jessica St. Clair But that’s the thing we’re led to believe.

 

Paul Scheer Taylor.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Taylor’s probably following her.

 

June Diane Raphael I also think it’s some of the telecommunications he’s up to.

 

Paul Scheer Track her. Track her phone. I will say that this is a funny thing that I noticed and was confirmed for me today that, when she hangs up, there’s a dial tone, but that’s a cell phone.

 

Jessica St. Clair Nobody caught it. Nobody caught it. What about that weird dance she does when they’re in the middle of that, like, Frank Sinatra moment? That’s the other thing. I can’t. I can’t go back and forth between romance and then all that crazy.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I also can’t. Here’s another hallmark. I realized there’s another hallmark of a bad movie, of one of our bad movies where in all the needle drop songs inside of it, the Frank Sinatra song excepted. Are covers. Are bad covers of a song that they want to use but are not. And I was like, this movie is just drowning in shitty covers of songs in a way.

 

Paul Scheer Slow covers too. Like they’re not. Yeah. They’re like, let’s make that real slow. Like in now it’s sexy. This movie is trying so hard to be sexy like this. This movie is Anastasia Steele, right? Like it is like. That’s sexy. I’m a virgin. I know what sexy sex is. It’s like. That’s what it feels like.

 

Jason Mantzoukas So if you’re at home, just pull that quote from Paul and put a song in there. Make it a make it a second opinion.

 

Paul Scheer But I mean, don’t you feel like that? Like, like cause I guess the whole thing is.

 

June Diane Raphael So hard I don’t even remember there. As Paul knows, there’s a lot of, like, cultural moments that I just dip out of, like, I’m not a part of. Yeah. And this was one of them, like, I don’t remember. I have a vague recollection of one of my sisters who I never saw, read a book and had no interest in books or literature. Just like sitting with 50 shades of gray, like. And I was like. Why is she reading a book? Like it was so crazy.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Well, it was also such a cultural a cultural like movement. This. Yes, books was massive. These books.

 

June Diane Raphael Yeah. And and so I guess they were just, porn for women. And that’s great and that’s wonderful, you know? And and listen, that’s why I struggled with the last scene because I love that for women. And I love that this movie does that. That’s all wonderful. But I just the last scene when she’s just simply, you know, being abused is this is a tough one to swallow. You know, it’s tough too.

 

Paul Scheer But this movie also is doing something really interesting because the movie really like if you were to arc it out, if you’re like, what is this movie like, what are the acts of this movie? It’s like, there’s nothing there. It’s like they meet. He’s like, hey, I’d like you to sign this contract so I can beat you up. And she’s like, I’ll think about it. She never does. He’s like, oh, I’ll give you a sample. And she’s like, I’m out. And that was it. That’s the movie.

 

June Diane Raphael Well, I think so, I don’t know because we haven’t seen. I guess we’ll find out tomorrow night. But does she ever say yellow? Does she ever say red?

 

Paul Scheer She hasn’t signed the contract.

 

June Diane Raphael But she’s going to sign it, right?

 

Jason Mantzoukas She’s for sure.

 

Paul Scheer No, she walked out.

 

Jason Mantzoukas She’s definitely. There’s so many people at home, people so many listeners who’ve read the books or watch these movies like shut up.

 

June Diane Raphael Sorry.

 

Paul Scheer No. No one wrecked this. No one wrecked this. Because I think in the second movie she becomes the dominant and he becomes the submissive because that’s all I’m getting in my head. I’m like.

 

June Diane Raphael I don’t want to see that.

 

Jessica St. Clair That’s what’s getting Paul hot.

 

June Diane Raphael I don’t want to see that.

 

Jessica St. Clair Yeah, that’s kind of hot.

 

Paul Scheer Like, he’s coming.

 

June Diane Raphael I don’t want to see that.

 

Paul Scheer She’s reigniting that woman who raped him. By the way, this is a movie about a man who’s been raped and is taking it. He can’t have normal sexual relations. That’s also underneath, right? I mean, we can all agree that, you know.

 

June Diane Raphael And again, we don’t need that. Well, we don’t need that part.

 

Paul Scheer So if we’re talking about a May-December storyline underneath this movie, I’m like, wow. All right. Cool. Let’s drop that in ther. She was older than me. Don’t worry about it. I’m fine.

 

Jason Mantzoukas He has more chemistry with Marcia Gay Harden then who plays his adoptive mother than he does with Dakota Johnson. Yes. When they do finally have sex, it is like just. And she and again she has been revealed to be a virgin. He is just ramming it in straight away. And it is like the the fantasy element of it. I was like, I don’t get I just couldn’t, I could there was no intimacy in and I guess that’s purposeful on his part. No intimacy inside of this. But for her, I was like in that way that she was like then alone. And I was like, wait, there’s no cuddling. There’s no what?

 

June Diane Raphael No, Jason, there’s not. She gets to sleep alone in a bed. I’m sorry. That sounds great.

 

Paul Scheer I mean, hey.

 

June Diane Raphael Have a whole bed to yourself? So wonderful.

 

Paul Scheer No, but we’re seeing Christian Gray at the most intimate. He’s like I’ve never slept in a bed with a woman.

 

Jessica St. Clair But then he does it over and over again, like he’s so like.

 

Paul Scheer He’s breaking his own rules because she’s actually the dominant and he is submitting. She’s like, I want a date. And he’s like, well, I’ll give you a date. He doesn’t realize she fucking Jedi mind tricked him.

 

June Diane Raphael Well, I do think, listen, I do think that that is a reading of the movie that’s absolutely available, that she’s really the Dom, he’s really the submissive. I just think it falls apart at the very end, fortunately.

 

Jessica St. Clair Was this movie like The Hobbit? In that.

 

Paul Scheer Go on.

 

Jessica St. Clair Wait.

 

Jason Mantzoukas In that it’s shot in a high frame rate.

 

Jessica St. Clair In that they knew they were going to shoot. Did they shoot all three at once?

 

Jason Mantzoukas Not at once. But I do think they they I do think there was something.

 

Jessica St. Clair They already knew that they already knew.

 

Paul Scheer Because the books were coming out. Right? Yes. The books are coming out. They knew that they were. They were signed on for three. Now, the big story was that Charlie Hunnam was supposed to be Christian Gray and then, like, dropped out, like it’s seemingly right, like I think right before they might have even.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Did they shoot something?

 

Paul Scheer I think he was on the plane going to Vancouver. Okay. They shot shoot them with him. Yeah. And then the other thing, I believe transition from his Sons of Anarchy character into this character is he said.

 

Jason Mantzoukas And then I think there was there is also and somebody I’m sure it will correct me if I’m wrong. This is, Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan despised each other.

 

Jessica St. Clair Oh, really?

 

June Diane Raphael I think that’s been debunked.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Oh, is that right? Okay, then great.

 

June Diane Raphael I don’t know.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Okay.

 

June Diane Raphael I don’t know. CNN news.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I mean truly. Then I’m trafficking in the gossip of the moment and nothing more.

 

June Diane Raphael And it seems that that was just, some sort of fabrication.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Got it.

 

June Diane Raphael They are very, very close.

 

Paul Scheer Well, I imagine, like, that’s what I was also thinking about, too. This is a movie that to me is kind of a nightmare because it’s like they are fucking so much that it like.

 

Jessica St. Clair Oh, that’s a yeast infection waiting to happen.

 

Paul Scheer It just feels like apparently they put hidden cameras around all the rooms so it could have like more privacy. And so I think that that seems like a nice thing, isn’t it? And oh yeah. Sorry. And they also did CGI pubic hair.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Oh, wow.

 

Jessica St. Clair What why did they put in pubes post? In post.

 

Paul Scheer Oh our pubes CGI budget. Really? Not just budget.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Do you mean instead of a merkin on the day?

 

Jessica St. Clair But why?

 

Jason Mantzoukas Wait, is that I’m genuinely. Is that what you’re asking?

 

Paul Scheer I think they called Frank Oz, the guy who did yoda to do that pube work.

 

June Diane Raphael It is such a good question.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Originally, each of their privates talked up. His was the voice.

 

June Diane Raphael Oh my God, it’s such a good question because there’s so many shots where you can’t see her pubes, and it just looks like there is. She’s a bald eagle. And God bless America.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Our national bird.

 

Jason Mantzoukas But then all of a sudden they are there.

 

Paul Scheer And I also have to say, as a guy, is that organized and that neat? I don’t think you’d be raw dog in his pants like that. I think he would be wearing some underwear. He feels to me like a guy is like I only wear underwear once. Yeah, like he doesn’t feel like a guy who puts on, like, slacks over a dick and balls.

 

June Diane Raphael Yeah, yeah, I understand that.

 

Jason Mantzoukas That seems patently insane. Also, isn’t it funny to think we live in a world right now where there are multiple think pieces constantly being put out there about how young people think sex scenes shouldn’t be in movies, what they really don’t want.

 

Paul Scheer I read all of Jason’s blog posts. I think they’re great.

 

Jason Mantzoukas There is a whole movement amongst young people that sex scenes shouldn’t be a part of movies, they are not appropriate to be in movies, etc. etc. etc. and only nine years ago this was it was nothing but sex nonsense from top to bottom.

 

June Diane Raphael Wow. What’s the problem with them?

 

Jason Mantzoukas Young people, you tell me.

 

Paul Scheer Let’s go out the audience. Let’s find out from the young people. And by young women, 35. 35 is what we’re looking for. All right. Your name in your question?

 

Audience Member Hi. Danielle. And, my question is, why is his obsession with him having sex in jeans and just jeans? Right? In, like, one scene, he’s, like, in a full suit. They’re having, like, a sexy combo, and then it cuts and he’s like, just in jeans.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Can I ask?

 

Paul Scheer They’re his fuck jeans.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Is that part of the books? It is?

 

Paul Scheer No. This is a safe space.

 

Audience Member It’s it’s like his costume for the Red room.

 

Jessica St. Clair Okay. Oh.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Thank you, thank you. This is the Lord’s work right here. Okay.

 

Paul Scheer We need this. You helped us. She read the book today.

 

June Diane Raphael Can I ask her a question?

 

Jason Mantzoukas The whole book today?

 

June Diane Raphael Can I ask her question? What’s your name? Rhea. Why is it called the Red room in the books? And the play room in the movie?

 

Audience Member So that’s Anastasia’s view of it. The Red Room of Pain and his playroom.

 

June Diane Raphael Thank you, thank you.

 

Paul Scheer Wow. Okay, we’re going to come back to you. Because it’s fresh in your head. If we have other questions.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I was going to say. Is there anything else that we’ve been wondering about tonight or asked about that you have answers to that you want to share? And no pressure, if not.

 

Audience Member I don’t think so.

 

Jason Mantzoukas That’s fine.

 

Paul Scheer You read it too? Oh, no. No, no. Okay. All right.

 

Jessica St. Clair Somebody had a detail over here.

 

Paul Scheer Wait, you have a question. You have a question. Okay. We have this is the first an audience member has a question for the person who read. Yeah.

 

Jason Mantzoukas All right. Oh wait. This is an audience to audience member question?

 

June Diane Raphael Are we allowed weigh in or.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Should we leave the stage?

 

Paul Scheer Okay. All right. Your name?

 

Audience Member Rochelle.

 

Paul Scheer And Rochelle. What is your question for our other audience member?

 

Audience Member Are they correct about the CGI pubes?

 

Paul Scheer Well, she would know that from reading the book. She didn’t say she worked on the set.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Do you think.

 

Paul Scheer I know it’s correct, I know it’s right. Ask me. Yes.

 

Jason Mantzoukas You blew it, Rochelle. You blew it.

 

Paul Scheer All right. Going back to the guys now.

 

June Diane Raphael I think the question. I think the question for Rhea was, is there explicit mention of her pubes in the book.

 

Jessica St. Clair Are they a character?

 

Music Sorry to ask you this. I’m so sorry.

 

Jason Mantzoukas And are they referred to as computer generated? Yeah.

 

Paul Scheer You are saying an emphatic yes about the pubes. Like that’s why, emphatically.

 

Audience Member Every time it is mentioned when he travels down there, it is a journey through the pubic hair.

 

June Diane Raphael Wow.

 

Paul Scheer Wow.

 

Jessica St. Clair The hunt for pubes: The journey through the pubes.

 

Jason Mantzoukas This is some real nonsense.

 

Jessica St. Clair If you have to fight your way through a thicket like sleeping motherfucking beauty, it is time to wax. That isn’t hot.

 

Paul Scheer That’s why he’s in the hardware store trying to get a weed whacker or something like that. All right.

 

Jessica St. Clair You shouldn’t have to journey through those pubes. Ever.

 

Paul Scheer All right. Your name?

 

Audience Member Hi, Simon. So I think it’s a kind of one of the worst cast movies of all time is universally recognized. Do you have alternate suggestions for casting?

 

Paul Scheer Ooh. Great question, great question.

 

June Diane Raphael I mean, when it was filmed, I was probably 34, so.

 

Paul Scheer And I must have been 27.

 

June Diane Raphael I could have been playing 27 at that age. So I don’t know if.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Yeah, it’s tough to be period specific to 2015.

 

Paul Scheer It could be. It could be from now we’re told. Yes.

 

Jessica St. Clair Who’s the Dom now? Who’s the sub, baby? She’s got rizz.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Again. I’m certain you don’t know how to use that word.

 

Jessica St. Clair You got that rizz, baby.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I’ll think about it.

 

Paul Scheer Yeah. I mean, this is a good question because it’s like, you know, there’s a part of me that goes, you know, maybe I could see, well, it’s like, what do you want from Christian Gray? You want, like, a sexy, confident guy?

 

June Diane Raphael Listen, I haven’t read the book, so I don’t know, but, for me, their blankness worked like I didn’t need more from them then for them to.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Boy, did I. I would have loved so much more.

 

Paul Scheer Like June, are you saying that you like the traditional man woman movie like this?

 

Jason Mantzoukas Booo.

 

June Diane Raphael Yes. Yes.

 

Paul Scheer I also like a man woman movie.

 

June Diane Raphael That’s a reference to another episode of How Did This Get Made, yes.

 

Paul Scheer Alright, did you have a question? Okay.

 

Audience Member Hi, I’m Yasmin. Can we talk about her friend for a second?

 

Paul Scheer Yes, please.

 

June Diane Raphael Valedictorian.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Who knew? How did you, by the way, how did she become valedictorian when Dakota Johnson is out there doing her work for her?

 

Paul Scheer How did she become a valedictorian when one of her questions are, are you gay? Just. Yeah, yeah. Real clever.

 

Jason Mantzoukas She’s not even graduating with honors in that regard.

 

Paul Scheer By the way, I love that Dakota Johnson approached that interview. She’s like, I just got to read it. It’s here on the sheet of paper. It’s like she was being like.

 

Jason Mantzoukas She’s Ron Burgundy in Anchorman. If it’s in front of me, I’m gonna say it.

 

Paul Scheer I love Kate. I was upset that we didn’t get more of Kate. I feel like Kate had some life force. And I think this is the problem with a movie like this.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Kate and the brother were the most interesting, most compelling couple.

 

Paul Scheer Yes.

 

Jessica St. Clair Yeah, but Kate was a really bad friend. She. Anybody could have seen. She’s getting, you know, over her head all of the advice. Also, here’s another thing that was different in 2015. No one was blinking an eye like it’s hot to have a guy buy you a car. You know, it’s hot to like, you don’t have to get a laptop.

 

June Diane Raphael I thought it should have been a nicer car.

 

Paul Scheer I didn’t like that car. It looked like he got her a minivan. Now I like the minivan because I have children. And I would have taken that car and really packed full of camping gear, bikes, whatever.

 

June Diane Raphael Yeah, I just. Yeah. No, I think the thing with Kate is and honestly with Anastasia too, is it’s. Listen, no kink shaming. I would never shame a kink at all, but they go down a lot easier when the person with a kink is so rich that, that it’s like. It’s, like, morally reprehensible. That’s how rich they are. And and that’s where, you know, I think we’re, we’re able to overlook a few things.

 

June Diane Raphael Wait. Why? Why?

 

Jason Mantzoukas I can’t tell what you’re saying.

 

Jessica St. Clair I don’t understand.

 

June Diane Raphael What I’m saying is, I don’t think that this scenario would have taken place if Christian Gray was in, you know, a studio apartment.

 

Paul Scheer Okay, so what what you’re saying is.

 

Jessica St. Clair You would have to do a divider. It’d be hard if there was not  another door.

 

Paul Scheer June Diane Raphael for sugar daddies is what you are pitching out.

 

June Diane Raphael Like, it’s you know.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I wrote this in in my thing that is like in a post Dobbs world. How insane is it to watch a woman sign away her rights to a rich, white billionaire?

 

Jessica St. Clair Yeah. It’s weird.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I was like, this is chilling.

 

Jessica St. Clair Yeah, it was. It was like a capsule to a very bad time.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I don’t like this. This is. He is not trustworthy. This is. I don’t like that she’s so easily giving away everything. The NDA signing immediately, I was like, gulp. Oh, boy.

 

June Diane Raphael Yeah.

 

Paul Scheer I did also think that the way that the dad reacted to her dating him was odd. I thought it was odd for him to pose with her in a picture after complaining so much that he didn’t want a girlfriend. He’s giving a lot of submissive messages.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Also mixed very mixed messages.

 

Paul Scheer Yeah, mixed messages.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Because he’s like, no dates, no nothing, no movies, no nothing. And then immediately he’s like, what about one day a week, a date? Can you imagine going bowling with Christian Gray?

 

Jessica St. Clair Ice skating, that was his other option.

 

June Diane Raphael Another thing. And I know very little about the community. But here’s the thing. I’ll still speak on it.

 

Jessica St. Clair Of course.

 

Paul Scheer What can you just clarify? What community? What community?

 

June Diane Raphael I’m just saying in terms of submissive and Dom’s. And you said this before, Paul, like, I do think that he spent so long as a submissive that that is what he is playing out with her, that he is falling back into that.

 

Paul Scheer That’s what I think.

 

June Diane Raphael Yes.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Boy, do I wish this had werewolves and vampires. Do I wish some part of this was about werewolves?

 

Paul Scheer Listen wouldn’t you have loved the last scene when she goes stop and he stares and she goes, you know, she just Anastasia Christian. Then you come back to him and do the Michael Jackson eyes from thriller. Like.

 

Jason Mantzoukas But he’s du du du du du du du du du du du du du du du du du du du du.

 

Paul Scheer To be continued.

 

June Diane Raphael I will say there’s a the movie takes place in the Pacific Northwest and home of vampires. Serial killers.

 

Paul Scheer Home of vampires?

 

Jason Mantzoukas Well, the Pacific Northwest is where Twilight is set.

 

Paul Scheer Oh, okay.

 

June Diane Raphael Because of how dark it is there and overcast.

 

Jessica St. Clair Their skin is translucent. They can’t handle the sun.

 

Jason Mantzoukas That’s why Cullens live there, Paul.

 

June Diane Raphael Paul.

 

Jessica St. Clair Duh.

 

Paul Scheer Sorry.

 

Jason Mantzoukas That’s why.

 

Paul Scheer While you guys were reading through Twilight, I was reading my Chest d’Urbervilles first editions, which looked like some weird thing that I might get, like got a Crate and Barrel.

 

June Diane Raphael But the serial killers also live in the Pacific Northwest. Yeah. Everyone knows.

 

Jessica St. Clair Yeah, Bigfoot.

 

June Diane Raphael Bigfoot. And I was like, I bet there is a lot of weird sexual stuff going on up there.

 

Jessica St. Clair Oh, yeah. Like. Oh, yeah. Well, it’s raining all the time. They never see the sun and they gotta come up with things.

 

Paul Scheer Obviously we had opinions about this movie, but there are people out there with a different opinion, and it’s now time for second opinions.

 

Audience Member Hey, my name is Jeff. (Singing) She tripped into his office. Why? I do not know. She sells him cable ties, masking tape and rope. Gives her an NDA, but led to take it home. These are 50 shades second opinions. Just give her a spank, hank Binder with a tie, guy. Swat her with a switch, mitch and give it five stars. Playing rugby in the tub, doug, tell me, what’s a butt plug? Took a bite on the chin and give it five stars. Thank you.

 

Paul Scheer That was amazing. Give it up for Jeff. Great job. Jeff. Wow. That’s the way to do it. Take a lesson from Jeff. Great. Great job. Okay, well, obviously, you know that there are a lot of, five star reviews on Amazon about this movie. As a matter of fact, there are 72,000. 72,000 reviews of this movie.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Reviews or five star reviews?

 

Paul Scheer No, there are 72,000 total reviews and 77% of them are five stars.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Wait, are we on the wrong side of this?

 

Paul Scheer And I will just tell you what I have to say here. Niki. Titles are review “I have to say, I definitely like the movie more.” “As someone who has read the book and now has seen the movie, I have to say I definitely like the movie more. I found it to be way more romantic than the book. They did a great job in making it to where the people would enjoy it. The music in the movie was incredible and the sex scenes were done quite tactfully. As long as you can understand that this isn’t what true love is supposed to be about. I think it would be just fine for a mature 16 year old to be able to watch with parental supervision.”

 

June Diane Raphael I don’t know about that.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I’m sorry. Just a quick question. Can I go on Amazon and tell people what age people should be to watch certain movies?

 

Paul Scheer Well, this is maybe what this is what’s happening here. Nikki continues, “I watched this film with my own mother.”

 

Jessica St. Clair What?!

 

Paul Scheer “Which was great because we got to talk about what was going on. Great movie, and I highly recommend it.”

 

Jason Mantzoukas I had to explain anal fisting to my mom.

 

Paul Scheer Now, Jay chimes in and writes, “This movie was very hot and steamy. I am very happy with the purchase of this movie. It was definitely worth the buy. It made me all tingly inside. The actors were quality actors. Anna was a little annoying, but I would buy the movie again. I mean, I would recommend buying this movie for a little bit of romance in your life. The movie was definitely hardcore and I think I would buy the movie again. I even bought the sequel to the book, and I’m super excited for 50 Shades Darker to come out in theaters. Have a whole year to wait, but I’m really excited for it to come out. I love the movie so much that I can’t wait. I watch this again last night before I went to bed, and then I woke up and watch it again, and I started thinking about it.”

 

June Diane Raphael Nope.

 

Paul Scheer “You should totally buy this movie and you should buy the book. It will make you feel hot. You will definitely need a napkin after watching this movie. Christian is an amazing actor and he is so hot! I would buy this movie.”

 

Jason Mantzoukas Christian is an amazing actor.

 

Paul Scheer “I would buy this movie 904 million more times. Purchase this. This story is well written and whenever I was watching this movie, it put me in an amazing mood. I was always better after reading these novels and watching this movie. I would say buy it and I would say watch it alone.”

 

June Diane Raphael Wait.

 

Paul Scheer “And then read the book alone too. And then you’ll be feeling like a million bucks in no time.”

 

Jessica St. Clair That guy died in an ocean of his own jizz. RIP.

 

Paul Scheer Hold on. “I am a mom. And my kids drive me absolutely crazy. They yell all the time, and whenever I get them down for naps, I pull out my Kindle, and I start reading this book. Or I bring up my iPad and I watch it. I forget about being a mom for a few minutes that I can actually fantasize about being the character, and then I’m snapped back into reality when they wake up and I wait for them to sleep. I start counting the minutes until they are sleeping so I can read my book and watch my movie. I even pull it out while the kids are watching TV or my husband is watching the game. I would recommend this movie to all my girlfriends. It is a hot read and definitely something I would watch again. I already have. These kind of movies are my favorite. I love the dominance of the male character, and I’m very pleased with my purchase. Buy this movie for a bit of hot and heavy romance. You will not be dissatisfied. Happy watching, ladies and gentlemen. I am very happy with the purchase of this movie five stars.”

 

Jason Mantzoukas Whoa! What I feel like I feel like that’s the art. Like that is why these books took off.

 

June Diane Raphael Listen, women have nothing else. We don’t have other books. We don’t have other movies. So we accept whatever they give us.

 

Jessica St. Clair How to lose a guy in ten days and this.

 

Jason Mantzoukas If this is what you were given and being like, this is what you want?

 

Jessica St. Clair I’ll take it.

 

June Diane Raphael I’ll take it.

 

Paul Scheer Maybe you feel like Jonathan Daniel Bullock, who says, “Movie got me laid. I can dig it. Five stars.”

 

Jason Mantzoukas And I bet that’s gonna be repeated tonight. Someone is here on a date. They’re gonna get laid because of this movie.

 

Jessica St. Clair I can dig it.

 

Jessica St. Clair Also, Mellie Guerrero writes “I bought this for my aunt. It was well packaged and in great condition. Five Stars. Great gift.”

 

Jessica St. Clair Great gift to your aunt? Your your elderly aunt?

 

Jason Mantzoukas Aunts love these books.

 

June Diane Raphael Aunts live for this.

 

Jason Mantzoukas These stories are big aunt energy.

 

Jessica St. Clair Big godmother energy.

 

Paul Scheer I will go to one of the first opinions. This is something that we got from Jason Crouch. Give it one star, he says “This is the stupidest movie I’ve ever watched. And I never watched it, because why would I? My wife convinced me to watch it, and I regretted it severely. I wish I never wasted the money. It’s just porn for women. And women think it’s good because they enjoy it. But yeah, if you’re a man, you will not enjoy it.”

 

Jason Mantzoukas Ugh, great. Now, my wife’s all turned on. Sucks to be me, guys. One star. Got me laid.

 

Paul Scheer “In my opinion, this movie shouldn’t exist because it should be treated the same way porn is. One star. It’s just porn for women. Jason Crouch.” Full name.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Wow.

 

Paul Scheer Find him. I will say one thing that was really interesting about this, thing was, you know, obviously there’s a lot of, parodies of 50 Shades of Gray, right? 50 Shades of Gray. And, there was a porn parody of 50 Shades of Gray made, and universal sued them because of similarities. I guess you really can’t.

 

Jessica St. Clair They had better dialog, I bet.

 

Jason Mantzoukas What’s so crazy about that is, like, genuinely, this is just Twilight fanfic.

 

Paul Scheer All right. So just quick question, because none of us have seen the second one, I wanted to end each night by just bold predictions. What happens in the next movie? We don’t know. Don’t let us know for right or wrong.

 

June Diane Raphael That’s so fun.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I do like your idea that it the the it will flip. I think that’s got to be right. Yeah. I have to feel like we’re going to. I would love it if, like. Does it become like a murder mystery?

 

Jessica St. Clair I wish.

 

June Diane Raphael Now, here’s what I would love. I would love to find out, actually, that his, story about being 15 and this woman was a lie. I don’t think that happens. But like that’s that’s sort of my fan fic.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Well, I thought it was interesting too, that it’s then revealed that he’s been to dinner with that Mrs. Robinson.

 

June Diane Raphael Yes.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Does that character show up?

 

June Diane Raphael I would think so.

 

Paul Scheer Yes. For sure.

 

Jason Mantzoukas And who is that like? You know, I’m trying to think.

 

Paul Scheer Kim Cattrall.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Honey.

 

Paul Scheer I don’t know.

 

Jessica St. Clair I think in one of them, they get married because I think I remember a trailer.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Oh, okay.

 

Jessica St. Clair I think.

 

Paul Scheer They get married?

 

Jessica St. Clair I do, I really think.

 

Paul Scheer You’re not thinking about the Second City 2  trailer?

 

Jessica St. Clair That might have been it.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Well, also, if I’m assuming and forgive me if I’m just grossly wrong, but if it follows the general arc of twilight, they will get married, they will get pregnant, and the baby will eat itself. The baby will eat its way out of her belly.

 

Jessica St. Clair Is that what happens?

 

Jason Mantzoukas Yes. And then it will eat and it will imprint on.

 

Jessica St. Clair What? Is this real?

 

Jason Mantzoukas Yes.

 

Jessica St. Clair What are you talking about?

 

So good.

 

Jason Mantzoukas What do you mean what am I talking about?

 

Jessica St. Clair It ate it out of her belly?

 

Jason Mantzoukas It puts the lotion in the basket.

 

Jessica St. Clair It really does do that, though?

 

Jason Mantzoukas Yeah.

 

Jessica St. Clair She’s dead?

 

Jason Mantzoukas No.

 

Jessica St. Clair How could you survive a baby eating its way out of you?

 

Jason Mantzoukas I don’t know.

 

Jessica St. Clair God.

 

Jessica St. Clair Don’t you wish you were here on Friday to find out?

 

Jessica St. Clair Oh, God.

 

Paul Scheer I. My bold prediction is this.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I hope. I hope that the Gray Industries craters.

 

Paul Scheer That’s that’s what I think. I think that I think that Gray Industries is going downhill. We know that business was going poorly. I think that it craters. He spirals. She goes out fucking a bunch of. She gets a lot of sexual experience and then like that.

 

Jessica St. Clair That’d be nice.

 

June Diane Raphael That’d be nice, Paul.

 

Paul Scheer And she pulls him up out of his depression.

 

June Diane Raphael So he has no money anymore?

 

Jessica St. Clair No, we don’t want to ever see that. June, you’re absolutely right. There has to be wealth with kink.

 

June Diane Raphael To a degree that is like again, not right. You know, no one person should have this amount. That’s what I’m looking for.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I thought it was egregious that he sold her car. I thought that that. How dare you? If you gift her a car. Wonderful. Do not sell her vintage bug.

 

Paul Scheer By the way, she’s got a Tori Amos CD in there. Now what’s she going to do with that?

 

Jessica St. Clair Yeah.

 

Paul Scheer Or her water bottle?

 

Jason Mantzoukas This cinderella story is rotten.

 

June Diane Raphael I didn’t believe that he actually sold it.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Oh you think it’s going to be in the sequel?

 

June Diane Raphael It might be. That’s my prediction.

 

Jason Mantzoukas In his Jay Leno’s garage full of cars.

 

June Diane Raphael It’s like a jitterbug sequel.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I would love I would love it if Christian Gray was played by Jay Leno. That’s my recasting. Who do I want? Jay Leno? Denim on denim.

 

Paul Scheer And here’s my casting. Jay Leno now and Dakota Johnson now. No, it’s just aged up.

 

June Diane Raphael Oh, God.

 

Jason Mantzoukas What if in the here’s the thing, what if in the second movie, the actress who plays the Mrs. Robinson is Melanie Griffith?

 

June Diane Raphael Ew.

 

Jessica St. Clair Ew.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Somebody lost their minds.

 

Jessica St. Clair Did anybody, when they were watching this movie, the thing I, I was in a Whole Foods watching it.

 

Jason Mantzoukas And you, you were also in the green room watching it.

 

Jessica St. Clair I was I really packed it in, but.

 

Jason Mantzoukas So did they in this movie.

 

Jessica St. Clair That’s what she said. But my main response over and over again was out loud. Ew. Ew. Was anyone else? Did anyone else have that? Ew. Ew. Like that? That was my main reaction to this film.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I wasn’t even Ew. I was just kind of like, all right, I wanted to be. I wanted this movie to be horny. What’s that?

 

Paul Scheer I watched the unrated version.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Wait a minute. What?

 

Paul Scheer Yeah. Seven minutes extra stuff.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Extra seven minutes of heaven? There’s seven minutes of extra heaven?

 

Paul Scheer It’s not.

 

Jason Mantzoukas It’s all pubes. Just pubes.

 

Paul Scheer More pubes. No, actually, it’s more offices scenes.

 

Jason Mantzoukas That’s the best part.

 

Paul Scheer Would you recommend this movie, Jason?

 

Jason Mantzoukas Fuck, yeah.

 

Paul Scheer June?

 

June Diane Raphael Absolutely.

 

Paul Scheer Jess?

 

Jessica St. Clair Ew.

 

Paul Scheer I would say yes. I think that there’s more here on rediscovery. I like it. I’m excited to go into next episode where we talk about the sequel of this film, 50 Shades Darker or Deeper. I don’t know, it’s the second one. We’re going to watch that. And now, thank you, everybody, for coming out here tonight! What a show!

 

Paul Scheer And that’s our show. Thanks again to our honorary fourth host, Jessica St. Clair and the amazing staff at Largo. Do not worry, we will be releasing all of our episodes from our 50 Shades of Gray series throughout the next couple of months, so stay tuned for more coverage on the least sexy sex movies ever made. Now, if you want to feel like you are a part of our 50 Shades of Gray live show, you can get the shirt that we designed for the audience. That’s right. We designed a a Gray corporation shirt. That’s right. Christian Gray has a nonsensical company that, includes business, telecommunications, independent publishing, Blowdry bars and charity. And you can buy that shirt at teepublic.com/stores/HDTGM. And if you’ve been dying to attend one of our live shows, while you’re in luck, we still have some tickets left for our tour in the UK and Ireland. I think that the most tickets are available in Belfast, but we just sold out in Glasgow and Dublin and we are moments away from selling out in London. So get those tickets and head to HDTGM.com to find out what movies we’re doing and to purchase tickets. And just to let you know, check out the movie Scrambled. June appears in this film. It’s an independent film. It’s really funny about, a 35 year old woman who goes on a quest to freeze her eggs. And it’s not. As easy as she thought it would be. The movie is hilarious. June is great. I love this movie. Check it out. Leah McKendrick wrote and directed it. It’s fantastic. And I know I’ve mentioned this a few times, but my book, Joyful Recollections of Trauma is now available to preorder. And pre-ordering is so important. It’s actually more important than buying it the week it comes out. So preorder my book right now and if you do that, save your reciept. Head to my website and you can sign up to get a personalized postcard from me, plus access to a part of my website where I will have exclusive material that no one has ever seen. I’m talking about pictures and videos and it’s only for pre-ordering people only. I appreciate all the support I’ve already gotten from our amazing How Did This Get Made audience and pre-ordering this book. And, and I just want to let you know I really, really appreciate it. So you’re going to buy something. I’m going to give you something, and my hand might fall off, but I can’t wait to sign something for you. And as always, if you have a correction or omission from this last episode we want to know about. Go to our discord at discord.gg/HDTGM or leave me a voicemail at 619-PAUL-ASK, then make sure you tune in next week for our Last Looks follow up episode to hear me respond to your messages. Plus, Jason will stop by for a chat and as always, we will announce our next movie. Remember, you can find us everywhere online @HDTGM and if you love the show, please tell your friends. That’s the way the word spreads. And if you’re listening on Apple Podcasts, make sure you are following us. And last but not least, I got to say thank you to all of our listeners who support this show and our entire behind the scenes staff who keeps this show running. I am talking about our producer Scott Sonne, Molly Reynolds, our movie picking producer, Avril Halley, our associate producer Jess Cisneros, and our engineers Casey Holford and Rich Garcia. That’s all I got. Bye for now. See you next week.