EP. 347 — Great Grandma Was A Serial Killer (Live From Chicago)

Chris [00:00:07] Hello to the Hideout in Chicago, Illinois. It’s Beautiful/ Anonymous. One hour. One phone call. No names. No holds barred. Hi everybody. Chris Gethard here. Welcome to another episode of Beautiful/ Anonymous. Thank you for listening. We’re going on seven years, everybody. Seven years of human conversations, of real people telling their own stories in their own words. We don’t censor things. We don’t overproduce things here. We just set it up, let people have a platform, and we get out of the way. And I’m proud of that. For everybody who celebrates, I hope you enjoyed the holiday last week. If you, if you choose to partake, hope you had a good time with whomever you chose to hang out with. I’ve got some exciting stuff coming up. I’m going to be doing some shows in Durham, North Carolina, Asheville, North Carolina. That’s… the second and 3rd of December. That’s soon, everybody. We’re out here, we’re having a good time. Now, this, this call was recorded in Chicago. Do I want to say it’s a good time? No, it’s a brutal call. But the call itself is kind of a good time because the caller has great energy and the story is insane. And basically… I mean, you see it in the title of the show. She’s pretty convinced that her grandmother kills a bunch of dudes. So as you can imagine, we got a lot to talk about. I love everybody in Chicago. You showed up for me. That town has always showed up for me. When I get out there on the road, that that place has always felt like a spiritual home to me in a lot of ways. I’m shocked I never lived in Chicago, but I feel so lucky I got to get out there. Feel so lucky that I got to have this call. I mean, obviously there’s talk of murder and death in this one. So if you’re not in a place where you want to hear that, brace yourself. But guess what? True crime is all the rage these days, everybody. True crime’s the new podcasting rage. Has been for the past couple of years. So this one should should whet that whistle, as they say. Anyway, I’ll stop being an idiot. I’ll let you enjoy the call. Thanks for listening, everybody.

Voicemail Robot [00:02:32] Thank you for calling Beautiful/ Anonymous. A beeping noise will indicate when you are on the show with the host.

Caller [00:02:39] Hello! Holy shit. Can you hear me?

Chris [00:02:42] Yeah. I can hear you.

Caller [00:02:43] (SCREAMS)Oh my god. This is crazy. Crazy. Okay, first of all, I just want to open up by saying happy birthday to me. Thank you.

Chris [00:02:53] Today’s your birthday?

Caller [00:02:55] Yeah!

Chris [00:02:56] That’s incredible. Happy birthday!

Caller [00:02:59] Oh, my God, thank- well, would you look at that guys? An A-list celebrity wished me happy birthday! Thank you.

Chris [00:03:07] I hate that they laughed cuz they all find it funny. They all find that hilarious. I wasn’t A-list in my best stretch of my career, and that was five or six years ago. But thank you, caller. You’re a shit kicker, huh?

Caller [00:03:22] Oh, every day. Yes, That’s what they call me on the streets is shit kicker 1000.

Chris [00:03:28] What is your story?!

Caller [00:03:31] Oh, God. I have a few of them. I want to open by saying I’m so sorry, Sally and everybody else. I have the mouth of a sailor, so buckle in. Put on your seatbelt. I heard this is Chicago, so I’m pretty sure you’ve heard, like, one or two swear words. Um, but I have a few stories. I can tell you about how I got a concussion for my birthday party. I can tell you how low key my grandma is a serial killer. Like, what do you want to know?

Chris [00:03:57] Well, fir- I mean, there’s so much. We are not even 2 minutes in.

Caller [00:04:00] I know, huh?

Chris [00:04:01] We’re already there. More I just want to know your general vibe because you literally, you started screaming and cursing instantly.

Caller [00:04:09] Yeah. Do you have any other questions about my vibe? Because that’s pretty accurate.

Chris [00:04:14] Just a lot of screaming and cursing? That sort of sums you up?

Caller [00:04:18] Yeah. I mean, you could ask all the people in my life, they would say screaming, cursing, maybe like iced coffee, book clubs, Metal music? Yeah.

Chris [00:04:25] Iced coffee, book clubs, metal music. I like it. You also have a laugh that sounds like a cartoon character laugh. Has anyone ever told you?

Caller [00:04:33] Yes. Okay, so we all make fun of my aunt because her laugh sounds like a turkey gobble. And I get it from her.

Chris [00:04:42] So you inherited your aunt’s turkey gobble laugh. Okay, that’s fair. I do really like your laugh, and it’s going to make me, it’s going to really-

Caller [00:04:54] It’s very nasally.

Chris [00:04:57] Yeah, amongst other things. Yeah, yeah.

Caller [00:05:00] Yeah. Okay, fair enough. Fair enough. Well, what’s your guys’ vibe? What’s the vibe in Chicago?

Chris [00:05:09] I mean, the vibe in Chicago, I feel like everybody’s in it. We’re at this venue, The Hideout, is like it’s the perfect combination of it feels legitimately underground and independent, but it’s also built in a way that feels like your grandma, your grandparents’ basement. You know? Like it’s a place that feels like it draws some lines about being countercultural, but it’s also very inviting to people, no matter where they’re from. And it’s one of the things I love about this venue. That’s the vibe.

Caller [00:05:33] You know what’s weird is that’s my Instagram bio about myself. So it’s crazy that we have that in common. I mean, wild.

Chris [00:05:48] You know, this is going to- I feel like this hour is going to simultaneously fly by and be one of the longest hours of my life.

Caller [00:05:56] You are starting to sound like my sister. And again, you’re welcome. Time with me is a great time.

Chris [00:06:03] All right. So what do you mean your grandmother’s a serial killer?

Caller [00:06:08] Yeah. So that’s like. Okay, so, here’s the sitch. She died very wealthy, which, like, good for her. But she also died with, like, had too much dementia going on. Not the point. So the reason she died super wealthy is because she had, god, I want to say, seven husbands? And all of their obituaries are kind of out of pocket. So one of them, she, like, you know, you trip on a shotgun and knock your husband’s head off sometimes? Or like a bunch of rat food ends up or a bunch of rat poison ends up on like your morning oatmeal or like their car brake lines get cut even though, like my- her dad was a mechanic and those failures shouldn’t happen. So I’m not going to tell you her name because this is, believe it or not, an anonymous podcast. But she ended up doing some jail time in like the fifties for it. Just a couple of years. And they found they found her guilty of assisted manslaughter or something to that effect.

Chris [00:07:10] She’s literally a serial killer.

Caller [00:07:11] Yeah.

Chris [00:07:12] And those examples you listed, were those theoreticals or those are actual ways that some of her husbands died?

Caller [00:07:18] Those are actual ways some of them died. (CROWD ERUPTS)

Chris [00:07:21] You said it so offhandedly that we all were like, oh, these are just the theoretical jokey ones. She actually like said she tripped on a shotgun and killed a guy?

Caller [00:07:28] Yeah, no, no. Those aren’t jokes, I’m just funny. Yeah. She did. But you know, what else do you do in the forties, right? Divorce isn’t real.

Chris [00:07:43] Wow.

Caller [00:07:45] Yeah. So, I mean, but what’s nice is that so like she died or whatever, but I have an older sister that was born on her same birthday, not necessarily a killer, but same attitude, you know? Same disposition. So if you don’t believe in Zodiac signs, you probably should.

Chris [00:08:00] Same disposition in what sense? Because I really only know one thing about your grandma which is that she murdered a bunch of men.

Caller [00:08:11] Yeah, it’s a very similar disposition. I don’t think I necessarily know of any men that she has killed, but I don’t put it past her, you know? Like she’s a very well-rounded, well-thought out woman. She has a great college education. She works for the government. And I know that if I needed to kill somebody, she could do it without blinking, like, just very much there for it.

Chris [00:08:29] You sound so cheerful.

Caller [00:08:35] I get that a lot, actually.

Chris [00:08:39] The tone.

Caller [00:08:41] No, I’m not. But thank you.

Chris [00:08:41] The tone is very incongruous with the content.

Caller [00:08:47] It’s honestly to keep you engaged.

Chris [00:08:50] Yeah. No, it’s working. It’s great.

Caller [00:08:51] Okay, good. You know, I wanted to be a schoolteacher, so I’m going to- I’m going to spout some shit. I’m going to throw knowledge at you. But the tone will take you all over the place.

Chris [00:08:59] Yeah, I’m just hanging on for dear life. I mean, we are not even 7 minutes into this call. We already found out that you’re related to someone who murdered people.

Caller [00:09:09] Yeah, I like that you’re counting the minutes, Chris. Is this dragging for you?

Chris [00:09:12] Well, I have a clock. Full disclosure. I’m looking at a clock.

Caller [00:09:17] Okay. Fair enough.

Chris [00:09:18] Did you know your grandma or had she passed before you were born?

Caller [00:09:22] Um no. She actually only passed a couple of years ago. I want to say like 2015? 2014? Must have been 2015. But no. Yeah, I knew her pretty well. We all went over and visited her. In her later years in life, she was like very much fond of my youngest cousin. So her great grandkids. She forgot who the rest of us were. But in like her passing days, she did happen to, like, kind of spout out that her two sons that she had, that she said were from one man, were from two completely separate men. She kind of turned into like a racist old bat that nobody liked. But she was like six foot two, which was cool. She was pretty tall.

Chris [00:10:03] That’s- I got to say, out of all the details, maybe the least exciting. But it’s just a matter of personal preference. Tall woman (UNCLEAR) but I mean, also, there were murders.

Caller [00:10:16] There were. Yes.

Chris [00:10:17] Do you ever ask her, like, did, you know, you’re saying like, rat poison, the shotgun thing, she served time for manslaughter.

Caller [00:10:25] Yeah.

Chris [00:10:26] Was it too touchy or did anyone ever ask her, like, Grandma, why did you murder all our grandpas?

Caller [00:10:30] So it was- that was a good one. I don’t think we said it like that. It was more like, okay, God, this sounds so bad, so buckle in. So, like, sometimes people in your family accidentally kill people and you, like, joke about it. So it was more of like, like, Oh, that’s crazy that that happened. Ha ha. Don’t do it to me. Have a good Thanksgiving um kind of vibe.

Chris [00:10:58] Is that a thing? I mean, I think me and the crowd are all in agreement of, like, I don’t know that that’s just a family thing. That people in your family kill people and that you just.

Caller [00:11:10] Okay, well, you guys aren’t white trash. That’s fine. I get it.

Chris [00:11:14] Yeah, I mean. It’s okay. Wow.

Caller [00:11:19] Yeah. No, it’s like your dad kills someone- it’s like an accident though so like it’s fine. Your grandma does. It’s like in the past, you know? She hasn’t done it in 50 years, and now she’s down with them in hell burning forever. So it’s cool.

Chris [00:11:31] But you never. So it was kind of like talked about and joked about and said offhandedly as an accepted fact of things, but you never had a heart to heart. You never had a sit down, heart to heart with her about it.

Caller [00:11:42] No, she was definitely not the heart to heart type kind of woman. And if it was brought up, she’s like, Ha ha, yeah, watch it. Pass me the Diet Coke.

Chris [00:11:52] Yeah, yeah.

Caller [00:11:53] Yeah. So, yeah, there wasn’t any like, Oh, please tell me why you kill people and how can I avoid it? No, it was more just like, this is what happened, so we can definitely skirt around it, but really it’s just not that serious anymore.

Chris [00:12:07] And she. You mentioned she was very wealthy.

Caller [00:12:10] Yeah.

Chris [00:12:12] Is your is your impression that she- you- because you said, you know, there was no divorce back then and I could imagine I could imagine a world in which there were women decades ago when divorce was a faux pas or harder to attain or even unattainable, who maybe did resort to murder. But you also pointed out that she was wealthy, which does make me wonder if this was um.

Caller [00:12:35] For money?

Chris [00:12:36] Yeah. Yeah. Speaking of for money, guess what I do for money? Ads. Got ads on the show. We’ll be right back. Thanks to all the advertisers who help us bring this show to the world. Now we’re going to get back to the phone call. But you also pointed out that she was wealthy, which does make me wonder if this was um.

Caller [00:13:13] For money?

Chris [00:13:14] Yeah.

Caller [00:13:15] Yeah, 100%. Yeah. Yeah. No. So. So her family, her dad was like a coal miner or something to that effect. Like one of those, like, that’s too cliche to be real, but real jobs. And there was, like, 15 kids. So she started by marrying- no her father was like some shit, like a mechanic. I don’t 100% remember, but just not not wealthy, you know what I’m saying?

Chris [00:13:38] Yeah.

Caller [00:13:38] But there was a bunch of kids. She got married super young, had kids, super young, like 15, 16. And when that husband got wealthy, it was so crazy that he died, and she moved on. And then she was just kind of able to move up through social ranks. So, yes, like she married him poor. She divorced him middle class. She found a middle class man. Or I guess divorced or separated, died, whatever. But with that middle class man-.

Chris [00:14:02] Wait, which one?

Caller [00:14:04] Died. But it’s died. So yeah, there were no divorce papers.

Chris [00:14:09] Did he die naturally, or did she kill him?

Caller [00:14:11] So the, no, yeah, she killed him. The first one was the one the shotgun.

Chris [00:14:16] That first one was with the shotgun.

Caller [00:14:16] That was- she got more creative afer that. Yeah.

Chris [00:14:18] Okay. And is that the one she went to jail for or no?

Caller [00:14:21] No.

Chris [00:14:22] They bought that.

Caller [00:14:24] Yeah, she tripped.

Chris [00:14:26] Okay.

Caller [00:14:27] You’ve never been clumsy?

Chris [00:14:34] Okay, that’s the first one.

Caller [00:14:36] So that’s the first one. Second one was rat poison. He was a middle class man. I honestly don’t know what he did. She didn’t have any kids with him, to the best of our knowledge, because I just have a grandpa and my grandpa’s brother from that side. So there wasn’t a bunch of kids after that. But he was he was Mr. Rat Poison 1000. When they when when he said good night, she, like, packed up all her bags, moved to California, met some California dude, and he actually died from, like, a pill overdose, which was weird because he wasn’t on any, like, medication or anything. And then after that, like how they got murdered got kind of fuzzy because not a lot of the details our family would talk about. So I don’t know if it got like messier or if nobody really just knew. But those were like the three iconic ones. And they just kept dying. And eventually she got caught for Mr. Pill Boy. Cause there was some kind of examination. And they’re like, This is kind of suspicious. But she only did a couple of years in jail. Like, it wasn’t a lot. It was like a women’s correctional facility, and it was like she was a- I forget the word, but like a disgruntled wife. And she got to get out and raise her kids. Yeah.

Chris [00:16:01] And then she had four more husbands after that?

Caller [00:16:04] She did. No, no, no, so she had those four husbands, then went to jail for the murder of the one like the pill boy.

Chris [00:16:12] So she went to jail married to the fourth husband?

Caller [00:16:13] And then that’s when- no. No. She went to jail after the seventh husband died.

Chris [00:16:20] After the sev-

Caller [00:16:21] So all of them were dead before she went to jail. Yeah.

Chris [00:16:24] And. And is the. So you mentioned how those first. I think the first three died. And did the other four get murdered?

Caller [00:16:30] Yes. And the other ones, that’s where I’m saying it gets messy. We don’t really. So they are dead. They did die before she moved on. But that’s where we don’t really know 100% of the details.

Chris [00:16:43] Okay. And then seven, the government was like, let’s just get let’s just put you on ice for a couple of years ro chill out.

Caller [00:16:49] Yeah. Yeah. You probably need, like, a little stint in the pool over here. Okay? Get some sunshine, breathe some prison air. You’ll be fine. And then she got back out. Yeah.

Chris [00:16:59] Wow. And then she just hung out for the rest of your life. And you all joked about it?

Caller [00:17:04] Yeah. Yeah.

Chris [00:17:05] Wow. And so you mentioned you have cousins, and she had great grandkids.

Caller [00:17:12] Yeah.

Chris [00:17:12] Is most of the lineage of the people you know through one of the husbands, or is it like, spread out different, like half siblings and cousins and things like that?

Caller [00:17:21] It’s all mostly through one lineage because she, okay, we think. We’re like pretty sure. Because so my great grandma had two sons. I’m not going to tell you their names, but son A and son B. Son B is my grandfather. Son A and son B were like super close. Son A only had a couple of kids who ended up moving out of state and kind of far from us. But son B who’s my grandpa had a bunch of kids who had a bunch of kids and that’s where I’m at. So I don’t really know son A’s part of the family. I know that they are out there. I don’t know what they know, what they don’t know.

Chris [00:17:59] And son B- and I’m not trying to make light of this- you keep making me laugh and being casual, but just-.

Caller [00:18:04] Yeah, I know, you’re good.

Chris [00:18:06] Son B was murdered by your grandma? Your grandpa?

Caller [00:18:10] No. No. No. So son B is my grandpa. His dad, so my great grandpa, was murdered. By my great grandma. So my great grandma never killed any kids.

Chris [00:18:21] Great grandma was a murderer?

Caller [00:18:23] Yeah, my great grandma was a murderer. Did I say grandma?

Chris [00:18:26] I was under grandma impression this whole time, but-.

Caller [00:18:28] No, no, no, it’s my great grandma.

Chris [00:18:30] Your great grandma.

Caller [00:18:32] Yes.

Chris [00:18:32] I don’t know what we all suddenly feel like that’s a little more okay. But I can speak for Chicago that we all collectively went, Okay, that’s not as bad.

Caller [00:18:37] Yeah! Yeah, no. It was my great grandma.

Chris [00:18:42] I think probably a lot of us- like, I had one great grandmother who was alive when I was born, and I don’t remember her because she passed when I was so young. So maybe a lot of us haven’t, like, looked our great grandparents in the eye, whereas we like remember like eating at our grandparents’ table and it would be, like, right, like I think for a lot of us I’d go, like if this was my grandma, I would have asked her. So I think that part of it (UNINTELLIGIBLE).

Caller [00:19:06] No, yeah, she’s my great grandma. But my parents all did have kids when they were like in their teens because, like, you know, good choices. So that’s why we’re all like, close enough in age that I knew her for the majority of my life. So, yeah.

Chris [00:19:20] Now, caller, this has been an amazing way to come out of the gate. I feel like what we should do is pause real quick and see what the fine people here at The Hideout in Chicago have to say about this. You ready for some audience feedback?

Caller [00:19:31] Yes, please.

Chris [00:19:33] Okay, let’s see. Taiwan- Taiwan Tea Man says, I’m from West Virginia, and this is the most West Virginia story of all time. This caller is 100% from West Virginia, though missing the accent. Coal mining, pill overdose, white trash, hash tag Zodiac killer grandma. Caller, I don’t know if you want to confirm or deny that.

Caller [00:19:56] Kentucky.

Chris [00:19:57] Kentucky.

Caller [00:20:00] Is everything starting to come together now?

Chris [00:20:03] Lunacy Dress says, This is a Netflix show. (UNCLEAR) says, She’s a murderer but would never cheat on her husband while he’s still alive. That would be improper. Cam says, Mr. Rat Poison 1000 is my new deejay name. I love that. Mom Jeans has counted the times I’ve taken off my glasses during this call. Thus far, it’s been three times. Wow. Okay. Oh, Janelle wants to know, do you remember her funeral and what that was like?

Caller [00:20:35] Yeah. So her funeral was, um, it was interesting because, so how do I phrase this like super light and funny haha? So my dad was just like, low key, a heroin addict my whole life. So we weren’t super close. And this is his side of the family, right? So I- there was a lot of aunts and uncles that I hadn’t gotten to see for a long time and they hadn’t gotten to see me or any of my siblings. So the funeral, while like my grandma was sad, my grandpa was sad, like, this was happening, it was more of kind of like a party, like a little get together, like, Oh shit, we haven’t seen you guys in forever! Let’s crack a beer. How’s the weather? This- did you see the potato salad? It was pretty. It was pretty lighthearted.

Chris [00:21:17] I have to say that I actually find that- I’m Irish Catholic, and someone else in the crowd just went, Yep. I feel like some of the best parties I’ve ever attended have been wakes of Irish Catholic people. You’re just catching up and party, people tell jokes. It gets pretty rad.

Caller [00:21:32] Exactly.

Chris [00:21:33] A few more. Yeah. Corey points out, All of our great grandparents could be serial killers. Who really knows? David says, Great grandparents are different. Those folks have secrets. Alice says, This is a pretty wild story, even for the crime filled city of Chicago.

Caller [00:21:49] Yeah. Detroit, baby, I’m coming for you. I don’t know if that’s anywhere near it.

Chris [00:21:54] Are you from Detroit?

Caller [00:21:54] Not even a little bit. No, it just sounded like it was close to Chicago. I’m going to be honest.

Chris [00:22:00] So we mentioned Chicago, and then you yelled Detroit, baby, I’m coming for you?

Caller [00:22:05] Yes. Yeah, It felt safe.

Chris [00:22:07] Caller, I could not be more in love with the vibe you’re bringing to the table tonight. You you truly are um you bring the chaos energy, right?

Caller [00:22:20] Yeah, it’s Libra season so I don’t really have a choice.

Chris [00:22:20] If you were a D&D character you’d be chaotic good.

Caller [00:22:25] I love D&D, man. So hell, yeah, I usually go for chaotic neutral, but I’m in.

Chris [00:22:28] That’s very revealing that you just said that.

Caller [00:22:32] You’re welcome. I’m a great dungeon master.

Chris [00:22:34] You are?

Caller [00:22:35] Yeah.

Chris [00:22:36] That’s pretty. I mean, that’s a that’s a hot commodity if you’ve got friends who play, right?

Caller [00:22:42] It’s more like family members. But yeah. I have friends too.

Chris [00:22:49] I didn’t imply you have no friend.

Caller [00:22:54] You implied I did, which was nice.

Chris [00:22:56] And you said today… You said today is your birthday?

Caller [00:23:04] Yes.

Chris [00:23:05] I got to ask, have you had a couple of birthday drinks or no?

Caller [00:23:08] Actually none. Because I had I got a concussion at a theme park the other day for my birthday party and I was told I can’t drink.

Chris [00:23:16] You got a concussion just the other day?

Caller [00:23:18] Yeah, on Saturday. And today’s I don’t know. I mean, it’s obviously the same day for us, so it’s been a week, but yeah.

Chris [00:23:24] All right. I’m so sorry to hear. I mean, that sounds scary. What kind of ride was it?

Caller [00:23:29] The dumbest kind to get a concussion on. It’s kind of humorous.

Chris [00:23:33] Okay, let’s guess. I want I want the crowd to guess. If you’re using the Twitter, what’s the dumbest ride at an amusement park to get a concussion on? I want to see some people’s guesses coming in right now and we’ll see. Because initially we’re all thinking roller coaster. But you kind of said something right there that indicates it wasn’t a roller coaster.

Caller [00:23:49] Oh yeah.

Chris [00:23:50] Let’s see. We got uh, uh Carly says, A big slide.

Caller [00:23:56] No.

Chris [00:23:58] Cam says the dragon wagon.

Caller [00:24:02] I don’t know what that is.

Chris [00:24:04] Steven said, We smoked weed as a family at my grandpa’s funeral.

Caller [00:24:09] Steven, we have that in common.

Chris [00:24:12] Danny points out, Apparently, this story is literally the plot of Addams Family Values? I don’t know. I haven’t seen it since I was a kid.

Caller [00:24:18] I. Oh, shit. Okay, so here’s a funny thing. I’ve been told my life is two things. One, Addam’s Family and two, Shameless. And I’m Fiona. So yeah, you know what? Go off.

Chris [00:24:29] Taiwan Tea Man wants to know if you were just waiting in line to get funnel cake?

Caller [00:24:35] You know what’s funny is well, I had my sister in line for that. Yeah.

Chris [00:24:40] That’s not where you got the concussion though?

Caller [00:24:43] No, not in line for the funnel cake. Pretty close.

Chris [00:24:45] Franco guesses ferris wheel?

Caller [00:24:48] No. It’s you guys get you’ve got to stay way more stationary than that.

Chris [00:24:53] Way more stationary. Oh, because Lunacy Dress goes, My guess as well was the teacups. It wasn’t the teacups?

Caller [00:24:58] No.

Chris [00:24:59] Okay. What was it?

Caller [00:25:02] A swing.

Chris [00:25:03] The big swings. Oh, someone did guess swings.

Caller [00:25:05] Nope, not a big swing.

Chris [00:25:08] No, not the theme park ride we all know? Those big swings? Mario guessed the big swings, but he also just tweeted the word balls before, so.

Caller [00:25:18] No. Yeah, so it was, okay, so it was like a October themed, like, maze fun thing. Whatever. Right. Anyway, so it’s a swing that goes side to side that you’re supposed to sit on like you’re a horse. It’s maybe 24 inches off the ground.

Chris [00:25:32] Like you’re a horse or like it’s a horse?

Caller [00:25:35] You know what? I’m going to let you use your imagination.

Chris [00:25:38] So you get on this. You sit on the swing as if you are a horse.

Caller [00:25:47] No. So the swing is the horse.

Chris [00:25:50] I understand.

Caller [00:25:50] You swing like instead of going front and back, you go like side to side. Does that make sense?

Chris [00:25:55] Yeah.

Caller [00:25:56] So I was sitting, gently swinging side to side, patiently waiting for my funnel cake, and the support beam came down on my head. (CROWD REACTS) Listen, I’m not like even fat. It was just like a it just fell apart.

Chris [00:26:11] Even if you were a little heavy, nobody needs to have a support beam come down on your head at an amusement park.

Caller [00:26:16] I agree.

Chris [00:26:19] Are you going to pull a great grandma on them and try to get some money out of it?

Caller [00:26:24] To be det- that’s I think there are some things keeping me from talking about that. But I appreciate the question.

Chris [00:26:30] Look at that. I hope so. I hope so. Hope it happens. I’m so sorry about that.

Caller [00:26:35] Right? So that was fun. What’s the better part is that I like got checked out by the paramedics. They’re like, yeah, okay, concussion 101. Let’s get the blood off your head. You’re doing great. The people of the, like, amusement park thing, they gave me a bag of popcorn and then my- because I had everybody there for my birthday party, they were like, Do you want to do the haunted corn maze? And I said, Fuck yeah. Let’s do it. Big regret. Can not recommend.

Chris [00:27:04] You’re saying a haunted corn maze while immediately in the aftermath of a concussion not pleasant?

Caller [00:27:10] Yeah. Yeah. You’ll get lost for about 45 minutes and throw up. But you’ll have a great story to tell when you go on a podcast next week.

Chris [00:27:22] Okay. Okay. That’s a hell of a birthday. And what did you do today?

Caller [00:27:27] It’s something.

Chris [00:27:28] What did you do for your actual birthday today? Outside of this, calling the show?

Caller [00:27:33] Cool girl shit? I woke up at 10:00, put on an outfit and went to a museum. And then I came home and I was going to make chili cheese dogs. And then I saw this tweet of, like, Beautiful, Anonymous. And I’m like, Oh, I’ve been trying to get on for like four years. I’ll give it a shot. And then I started crying when I heard, You are on hold with Beautiful Anonymous. So that’s what I did today.

Chris [00:27:55] You started crying?

Caller [00:27:56] I did, yeah, cause I was really excited.

Chris [00:28:00] You really pulled it together before the call.

Caller [00:28:03] Thank you. Yeah. Maybe this is my post cry voice.

Chris [00:28:06] Yeah, you weren’t- There’s no evidence that you were feeling overwhelmed or emotional even in the slightest.

Caller [00:28:12] Thank you. I appreciate that. Maybe you don’t know me very well, but I really appreciate that.

Chris [00:28:18] Okay. Okay. Alright.

Caller [00:28:25] So there’s that. Yeah, I know. Take a breath. Take it in.

Chris [00:28:28] Yeah.

Caller [00:28:29] Tell me what’s next.

Chris [00:28:31] Well, I was going to ask you. I was going to ask you the same thing. Is there anything else- because you had said- I think you had laid out the concussion and your and your great grandma being a serial killer at the top?

Caller [00:28:39] Yeah.

Chris [00:28:39] Feels like you covered those two things.

Caller [00:28:42] We have covered those two things. Okay. I’ll throw out some topics. You guys tell me like what sounds the most interesting to you? I was, like, low key, super homeless for a while, but now I’m a college graduate and I’m on track to be an ophthalmologist. I met my husband in an IHOP and one time we got caught making out in the back room by the cook, but we make up the job. Now we’ve been together like nine years. I only talk to like half my siblings. The rest are trash and a half. I got a tattoo in Vegas recently. What’s, what are you guys vibing with? You got any questions?

Chris [00:29:21] Yeah. What do you think, Chicago? What do we want to talk about? I’ve IHOP is the overwhelming favorite. I’m a little shocked, personally. So you met your husband when you were both working at an IHOP?

Caller [00:29:35] We were, yeah. And so it’s this cute little fun mute keet- mute keet- good morning. I’m overwhelmed. Meet cute.

Chris [00:29:43] A beam fell on your head a week ago. It’s okay.

Caller [00:29:46] It’s. I know it’s- the stutter is real. So we. Okay, So I lived in a city about 400 miles from where I am now when I was, like, growing up, whatever. My mom worked at an IHOP, and she had, like, some random people she knew at IHOPs in different places in the state, so I moved to go to college and I was like, Oh yeah, I guess I could just go work at this IHOP where my mom’s friend works. No problem. So I go like, start at the IHOP. I’m working like noon to five, like the random lunch shift where there’s only one server and like just the guy who drinks coffee, who drives a truck who’s really weird. But I met like a really nice girl and we kind of hit it off and she was like, Oh, yeah, I have this boyfriend. He’s super hot. Do you want to hook up with his brother? And I was like, Oh my God, yes. This sounds fantastic. That guy’s dead. Don’t worry, this gets better.

Chris [00:30:37] What? No, wait, hold on. Who’s dead?

Caller [00:30:39] The guy that, listen. So I met a girl. She had a hot boyfriend. We, all of us worked at IHOP. Everybody you’re going to hear. So me, this girl, her boyfriend, we all worked at IHOP. The boyfriend’s brother worked at IHOP. And so that girl was having a Halloween party with her boyfriend. She’s like, Oh, yeah, come meet his brother. Like, you guys will hit it off. I think you’ll do great. And I was like, Oh my God, that sounds great. Yeah. So I go to this Halloween party and he’s like 100% all over another girl. And it was like, very upsetting. And I’m like, this bitch, Like, I came here to meet him. He knew I was on my way. This was like a fun little blind date, whatever. I’m into it. And he totally blew me off. Didn’t even look at me for the whole night.

Chris [00:31:18] Made out with another girl?

Caller [00:31:19] So my girl… yeah, he did.

Chris [00:31:22] And you tripped over a shotgun?

Caller [00:31:26] What’s crazy is yes. How did you know, Chris?

Chris [00:31:31] I don’t want to (UNCLEAR) actually.

Caller [00:31:32] No, it’s laughable. It’s funny. Don’t worry. My family thinks so. So I got pissed off and I was like, Well, I’m leaving. And I’m brand new to the city. I’ve been here for, like, a week and a half. I don’t know where to go, so I’m going to go to the IHOP where I work and get some like free food, because why not? I’m drunk. It’s midnight. Who cares? So me and (BLEEP), I’m going to say we had a designated driver because we were both drinking, but I’m going to let you infer the rest. And we ended up at IHOP. And my husband now is the overnight server- he was the overnight server then, and I had met him maybe like once, but I was like, Oh my God, Yeah, what’s your name? Can you get me a hot chocolate? This hot chocolate is the best thing in the world. You’re a chef. I think I’m in love with you. And he was like, Oh, that’s great. What’s your name? And how did you get here? I’m like, Oh, here’s my name, here’s how I got here. Blah blah blah. So one thing like, kind of leads to another, and we end up just, like, low key making out in the stockroom. You know, like, there’s a pantry, there’s flour. I’m in a cute outfit. Who knows?

Chris [00:32:46] The night you met him, you made out in the stockroom of the IHOP?

Caller [00:32:49] Who’s to say?

Chris [00:32:51] You, please.

Caller [00:32:54] Yes, yes.

Chris [00:32:56] That night you’re making out in the stockroom. Okay.

Caller [00:32:59] Yeah. And then he goes, Now remind me how you got here. So we get caught by the cook. And I was like, Oh, shit. Like, we should get back out to not doing this because you’re working. And I’m obviously not working unless this is like a Hooters. So later on he’s like, Oh hey, I’ll drive you home I guess? And I was like, That’s great. Can I have your phone number? By the way, what was your name again? Like I would love to know. So he ends up driving me home and I got his phone number and I went home. I was living with a family member at the time and I texted them, I love you, have a great night or something along those lines. It was like, I love you, have a good night, great night, whatever.

Chris [00:33:38] Night one!

Caller [00:33:38] And so then about- yeah, so then about like three weeks later, he’s like, Do you want to go on a date or like, what’s the vibes? And I was like, I mean, we can. We could, sure. Why not? And now it’s been um next week, it’ll be nine years.

Chris [00:33:56] Wow.

Caller [00:33:57] Yeah.

Chris [00:33:57] How long after? How long after that night did you get a, did you get, like what was the path from first date to engagement to marriage? How long did you date for?

Caller [00:34:09] Ooof, okay. So this is going to sound short because it is. So we met and like got together in like October of one year and then we, about a year and a half into dating, I was- I don’t want to make this very political, but I was very scared that my husband was going to have to leave the country because he’s not from the country. So on like a Thursday in June I was like, Hey, there’s like all this political stuff going on. I don’t want you to have to leave. Do you want to get married? And he was like, I’m good. Like, thank you, no thank you. I was like, but like, are you sure? We could. And he’s like, no, I’m going to have to pass. And I was like, okay. That sounds good. So then there was like an election coming up and I was like, Well, what if since it’s like September now what if we just got married? And he was like, I mean, I can think about it, but that’s dramatic. And I was like, okay, sounds good. So about a week into October of that year, I just made like a really small appointment at the courthouse. And I told him, Get in the car. And I brought his brother and my sister and we got married at the courthouse on a Wednesday.

Chris [00:35:22] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. It sounds like he said No.

Caller [00:35:26] He did.

Chris [00:35:27] He said no and then you made an appointment and did it?

Caller [00:35:31] Yes. Yeah. And he’s very grateful.

Chris [00:35:39] Let’s pause there, because that’s a whole story, right? I’m not the only one who hears that and goes, wait a second. What? We get all the answers to that whaaat? when we get back. Thanks to all the sponsors who allow this show to happen. Now we’re going to finish off the phone call. He said no and then you made an appointment and did it?

Caller [00:36:05] Yes. Yeah. And he’s very grateful.

Chris [00:36:09] How long have you been married?

Caller [00:36:12] It will be seven years? No, six years next week.

Chris [00:36:19] Congratulations.

Caller [00:36:20] Thank you. Yeah. He knows now I made the right choice.

Chris [00:36:25] But you did marry a man without his consent.

Caller [00:36:28] He signed the papers. He said I do.

Chris [00:36:32] You’ve got a really good ability to just, like, sneak up on me from behind, verbally.

Caller [00:36:39] That’s a really big compliment, because I think stand up comics and comics of any kind are genuinely, like, pretty quick witted, pretty fast. So if I can pull one over, that means I’m getting pretty smart.

Chris [00:36:50] Yeah. Or that I should find a new job.

Caller [00:36:54] Oh, well, you know what? Now that I’ve been on, you’re good, Chris, if this is your retirement podcast, I will I will give your farewell outro.

Chris [00:37:02] Now, do you have any, do you have any children?

Caller [00:37:05] No, thank God. And I don’t plan on it. That is not. I have about 16 brothers and sisters, so children are never part of the plan for me.

Chris [00:37:16] Wait, 16 brothers and sisters?

Caller [00:37:18] Yes.

Chris [00:37:20] You’re one of 17?

Caller [00:37:22] Yes, I’m one of 16. Sorry. So I have 15.

Chris [00:37:26] One of 16?

Caller [00:37:27] Yes.

Chris [00:37:28] And where do you come in age wise?

Caller [00:37:33] Four. Well, I mean, I’m 27, but I’m fourth in line.

Chris [00:37:37] But you’re the fourth oldest?

Caller [00:37:39] Yeah.

Chris [00:37:40] So how old is your- you’re 27.

Caller [00:37:43] Yeah.

Chris [00:37:44] You’ve been married for seven years?

Caller [00:37:46] Yeah.

Chris [00:37:47] Got married young. And how old is your youngest sibling?

Caller [00:37:51] Oh, I really like the questions you ask. They’re enlightening. She just turned five in July.

Chris [00:37:58] You’re 27. You have a five year old sister?

Caller [00:38:01] I do.

Chris [00:38:02] And are your are your parents still together or are we counting half siblings?

Caller [00:38:08] Yeah, I’m counting half siblings because I like them more than my real full blooded siblings most of the time. But no, my parents aren’t together. They. So they split up like eight kids ago, and then they just kept having kids with other people.

Chris [00:38:30] So some of this timeline, so they split up and then they can there’s- there’s some overlap in the kid, so it’s not.

Caller [00:38:37] Yeah so I have like two 16-year old sisters, two 15- year-old brothers. My two 15-year-old brothers aren’t related to each other, but they call each other cousins because it’s really hard to describe how they’re related.

Chris [00:38:54] And where are you from again? In Kentucky, right?

Caller [00:38:58] Well, so that’s where the my great grandma that wanted to kill everybody was from.

Chris [00:39:04] It was an easy joke, but we were all thinking it.

Caller [00:39:06] No, no, that’s fair. So this is not going to surprise anyone, the next word that comes out of my mouth. But I’m from Utah.

Chris [00:39:15] From Utah.

Caller [00:39:15] Yeah. Shit checking out now? You waiting for the green Jell-o joke?

Chris [00:39:23] I mean, that’s uh… All right.

Caller [00:39:27] It’s not. All right.

Chris [00:39:30] So you have a you have a five year old sister right now? Wow.

Caller [00:39:35] Yes.

Chris [00:39:36] So have- having all these siblings has made you not want children?

Caller [00:39:39] 100%. Yeah.

Chris [00:39:40] Is it just because you’ve spent it sounds like you’ve spent your whole life over and over again, around young kids, and that keeps resetting. And I’d have to imagine you might just be tired of that.

Caller [00:39:49] Yeah, that and I don’t know if you have ever been pregnant. I know your wife has. I don’t think you have. That seems horrifying. Like, a whole thing is going to grow in your body. Oh, God, no. Please. No, no. And then you have to clean shit off of its butt? For years?

Chris [00:40:07] Oh, yeah, that part’s rough. That part is rough. I can vouch for that. That part’s rough.

Caller [00:40:11] And like kids are great. I have nieces, I have nephews. I today, when I went to the museum, I saw one of my pregnant friends, and I’m really excited for her. And I love to hand people’s babies back to them.

Chris [00:40:23] Mm hmm. I get it. I do get it. I totally understand. There’s a lot of people wondering. They want to go back to the part where you said one of those hot guys is dead. There’s a lot of people going, Chris, you you can’t just move on. She offhandedly mentioned. There’s people going, so it’s her brother in law who’s dead? And then there’s somebody else going, Which one of the original hot guys is dead? A lot of people are asking me to just if we could clear up when you off-handedly said, Don’t worry, that guy is dead.

Caller [00:40:54] Don’t worry. He’s dead. It’s fine. So the guy I went to the party to meet the night I met my husband is not my husband. We’re not related in any capacity. He also ended up hooking up with another girl that was at the same IHOP that we all worked at. She got pregnant and then he died. The issue was like, no one really told us how he died. We just know that he was either on drugs and in a car accident or he was on drugs and in the car when he died and the car got into an accident, but he was dead in a car that was in an accident. And then got buried a few years ago.

Chris [00:41:33] You know what’s cool about you is when I ask for when I ask questions that I’m hoping for clarification, it only gets more confusing.

Caller [00:41:44] Okay. How about this? Yeah, he’s dead, but we’re not related.

Chris [00:41:47] That’s fair. It sounds like he was an incidental part of the story.

Caller [00:41:51] Yes, Well, he wouldn’t have met my husband if I hadn’t gone out to meet him.

Chris [00:41:56] He’s the guy who is hooking up with somebody else.

Caller [00:41:58] Yeah.

Chris [00:41:59] That guy’s dead.

Caller [00:42:01] Yes.

Chris [00:42:01] All right. God rest his soul. I mean that sincerely. All due respect

Caller [00:42:07] Yeah.

Chris [00:42:09] Okay. I mean, that was the IHOP story.

Caller [00:42:12] It was.

Chris [00:42:15] I think everybody is pretty glad they voted for that one.

Caller [00:42:19] Yeah, I’m glad too.

Chris [00:42:22] So, opthalmology, huh?

Caller [00:42:25] Yeah, that’s a fun one, right? So let me tell you about my job experience in this field prior to getting it. None. Zero. But so what I did do was I went to college at this, like, fun little university here. I’m sure you’ve heard of it. And we I studied so I went in for mechanical engineering.

Chris [00:42:45] BYU are you indicating BYU?

Caller [00:42:47] I would rather cut both my feet off than go to BYU. So thank you. No.

Chris [00:42:52] So the answer was, no, you did not attend BYU.

Caller [00:42:56] The answer was I did not BYU. That is correct. Yes. No, I went to the University of Utah.

Chris [00:42:58] I’ll just point out, that’s one of those things that I asked a pretty simple question, and then you said something about chopping feet off and I went, whaaat? I love it.

Caller [00:43:09] Chris, we have to keep the audience engaged. Okay? This is a multi-part show.

Chris [00:43:12] Oh, they’re loving it and they’re loving I think they’re enjoying how consistently confused I look.

Caller [00:43:20] I’m enjoying that, too, and I can’t even see you.

Chris [00:43:22] So you went to college?

Caller [00:43:24] Yes, I went to the University of Utah. I originally went in for mechanical engineering because I took AP calc and stuff when I was in high school. I have always loved math. It’s I do it for fun. It’s like this cute little pastime I have. Turns out that I am less than deplorable at physics. I don’t understand it. I took physics 1010 about three times. Never worked out. I literally just could not understand how to get to where they were getting. So I was like, Oh, okay, this is great. I’m going to switch majors. I’m not going to be a Spanish teacher. So I got a degree in Spanish translation. I got I minored in mathematics and writing and I was going to go into teaching. I did all this volunteer work at schools and I ended up in big box retail. And I’ll just give you a hint of a funny story here where when I got when when I parted ways with a big box retail store, I stormed out, broke a computer, kicked a chair. I’ve never hit anything in my life, but my Kentucky said it’s time to get crazy. And I just started applying for jobs. My sister had just gotten a job in the government, and what she told me when I was applying for jobs was, hey, maybe apply for things outside of your comfort zone because that will help you expand and maybe reach new horizons. And what I heard her say was, I think you could do anything like be the president or a doctor. So I applied to be an opthalmological tech, which is like a surgery tag for when you do like Lasik or PRK if you guys know what that is. And I did a couple of interviews. They loved me. I got the job, I signed the paperwork, got this contract, got enrolled in a couple of classes. And then on day three, I was like, Yeah, no, this is great. I love it. I’ll go put on the scrubs. I’ve never done this before. And they were like, Oh, well, shit. Okay, sounds good. So I just got a little bit more like coursework and textbooks and different things to study. But I’m doing great. I passed all my tests. I get to be in the room to like notate eye exams. I get to set up foropters. I get to explain to people why contacts are going to make them blind. And I think that they’re the bane of my insistence. And in May I have a nice big old test coming up. It’s called the ABO certification. Now my job is paying for everything, which is great. And they give me time to study and everything. And I hopefully I pass that because then I’ll be licensed in all states in the United States so I can go work as an opthalmological tech.

Chris [00:45:48] So ophthalmologist. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that’s great. Well done.

Caller [00:45:52] Yeah. Yeah. That was kind of a long winded answer, but yeah, so. Oh, but yeah, there’s that.

Chris [00:45:59] And what was the stretch in your life- what was the stretch your life when you said you were super homeless?

Caller [00:46:03] Oh, yeah. No. So you might have picked this up because I dropped some hints here, but my parents were like low key teenage drug addicts. Some, like abusive and had a bunch of kids before they were even done being children themselves. So by the time my mom was actually my age, 27, she had like five or six of us, five of us, I think. And we were living in like hotels and cars and different things and like just kind of going back and forth, bouncing from place to place. We used to get like super excited for visitation with our dad because that meant we could go stay at the homeless shelter. And they had like warm beds and food every single night, which, holy shit, is a treat, if you didn’t know. It’s crazy amazing when you can get that. But after that, when I- So I started working when I was 15, even though I shouldn’t have. I was just like, No, I’m totally 16. I’ll get you my I.D. as soon as I can. And I got two jobs and I just routed my paychecks straight to this landlord that we found. So I was paying the rent the whole time that like from 16 to about 19 when I moved out. Or 18. Somewhere in there. So we weren’t homeless anymore because for the first few years before that, I want to say like 3 to 4 years, it was back and forth from hotels, different couches to random shelters, things like that.

Chris [00:47:23] Wow. That’s a lot to overcome.

Caller [00:47:25] Yeah, but I did it, and I’m super cool now. So ha ha, joke’s on them.

Chris [00:47:32] Well done. I feel like you’ve laughed so much, like, laughed so much, starting with your great grandma stories and a lot of family stuff and all these things and half siblings and even that, you say it all with a… Real sense of like laughter behind it. But.

Caller [00:47:46] Yeah, I mean, so here’s the thing. I never thought I’d get this far, so why not joke about it? This shit’s hilarious. You know?

Chris [00:47:56] Your family did not hand you… The dack was stecked. The dack was… d

Caller [00:48:02] The dack was stecked and so was the deck, honestly.

Chris [00:48:08] They didn’t make it easy. That’s what I’m trying to say.

Caller [00:48:12] No, in fact, I’d say they went out of their way to make it difficult. But I am nothing if not an overcomer, an overachiever, if you will.

Chris [00:48:22] That’s cool.

Caller [00:48:24] Yeah, thanks. So I think that’s most of the cool things about me. I have a bunch of matching tattoos with people that aren’t really matching, but like, super similar.

Chris [00:48:33] What’s that mean?

Caller [00:48:35] Like me and my so my sister recently got married and we went to Las Vegas with a bunch of girls just to do fun girl things in Las Vegas. And we all got, like, fruit tattoos. So I got cherries. She got a strawberry. So like, similar but not the same. And a couple of years in a row with my husband-.

Chris [00:48:52] Old underwear commercials.

Caller [00:48:53] Yeah, exactly. You know. Oh, that’s a good one. I’m going to have to text her that. But like with my husband, we got, like, matching tattoos- or not matching, but like, for our anniversaries, we would go get, like, both sugar skulls but they’re very different in color and in style. But we both got sugar skulls, or I got an anchor to a ship and he got like the steering wheel thing that it’s definitely called a steering wheel. My sister got like a sun and I got a rain cloud. So the same, but not the same.

Chris [00:49:27] So you get thematically connected tattoos with a lot of people.

Caller [00:49:31] I do, yeah. I hope to get more. Me and my brother and one of my sisters plan to get some bee tattoos soon. I want to get a bee wearing a hat that says, bee haw. My brother’s going to get a bee in a ghost costume so he has boo bees. And my sister’s going to get one on her knees so she’s the bee’s knees.

Chris [00:49:53] I don’t think Chicago’s totally supportive of the pun bee tattoo scheme. I heard some groans. I’m not going to lie.

Caller [00:50:02] I’m going to pretend that they were, awww of like cuteness, because they’re very sentimental people.

Chris [00:50:06] So I’m going to go ahead and check in. We got about 12 minutes left. I’m going to go ahead and see what Chicago’s saying because you’ve thrown a lot at us. So I want to see where the reactions lie. Let’s see. Stephen just says, Kudos. That’s amazing. I think they’re probably in reference to the pun bees or to overcoming what sounds like a really unfair childhood.

Caller [00:50:27] I’m going to go with bees.

Chris [00:50:28] Oh, here’s the thing, again, you tend to throw a lot out here and then people will go, Wait, hold on, wait. You have to ask who died, Chris. And then there’s three different people, Ray going, Wait, please tell me how contacts make you blind. We rushed past that too quick. (UNCLEAR) says, Okay, what’s wrong with wearing contacts? Julia says, Please explain the contacts making you blind info. Cam says, As someone currently wearing contacts, what’s wrong with contacts? Probably should follow up with that as an ophthalmology tech tells us that we will all go blind if we wear contacts. So what’s the deal with contacts? The world wants to know.

Caller [00:51:06] Yes, I. Okay, so if you wear contacts sparingly and you clean them correctly and you don’t overuse them, they are at best okay for your eye. If you only use them when you’re supposed to, you clean them correctly, all of that, putting them on your eyes still deprives your retina, your iris, and all five layers of your cornea of the necessary oxygen and tear duct like mechanisms that it’s used to having. So your eye tends to swell. When you wear them overnight, that swelling gets worse, and even when you take the contact off, your eye is going to act as though the contact is still on a kind of like attack that cute little part of your eye for the first little bit until the swelling goes back down. Wearing them long term, like obviously I can’t disclose a lot because of HIPA, but I did have a patient who wore his contacts for months at a time. We had to have the doctor remove them from his eyes. And he was under 18. Young patient. And was genuinely risking blindness. So if you even do your best, it’s still not great for your eyes. And I cannot heavily like dissuade you from them enough. Like you just I think it’s not even I think, but just the science will show they’re just not great for your eyes.

Chris [00:52:21] Is this something all eye doctors know?

Caller [00:52:24] Yeah. (UNCLEAR) common but some doctors really stand behind them especially when you have like very, very high prescriptions, because wearing contacts is something that you don’t necessarily realize if you go back and forth from contacts to glasses where contacts give you much better peripheral vision and they don’t skew your sense of depth very much as in comparison to glasses when you’re dealing with like higher prescriptions or a lot of astigmatism or anything like that. So that is great because it gives you better vision, which is why they’re still definitely recommended. Or if you need glasses and you can’t wear them, like if you’re swimming for a living or something to that effect, like, it’s totally understandable. But that’s why when a lot of the times you go to doctor’s offices or even on your contacts packaging it’ll say, like, warning, this is the risk of use of these contact lenses. You need to clean them and not just dip them in the solution and pretend that they’re clean. And you need to take them out at night and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So they’ll tell you. But a lot of times it’s just like everybody’s like, Oh yeah, this is the thing that you always have to hear. And they kind of disregard it.

Chris [00:53:25] What about the daily use ones, though? You take them out, they’re floating in the solution. You pop ’em in, you throw them away at night.

Caller [00:53:33] Chris, you just horrified me a little. Why would you put- your daily ones should never be back in the solution because you throw them away.

Chris [00:53:41] No, that’s what I said. That’s what I heard. They’re floating in the solution when you open them. (OVERTALKING)

Caller [00:53:46] Oh, yeah. No. Pop ’em in your eyes. Throw them out. Yeah. Those are the best ones for the health of your eye. Especially because you’re not risking getting, like, anything, like, if you wear, like makeup.

Chris [00:53:57] So many people in here were fucking freaking out until that moment. You just made a lot of daily contact users much happier because there were a lot of people just sit there going, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.

Caller [00:54:06] No, dailies are the best for your eye, especially if you’re walking around in like nasty air, like if you guys have bad pollution where you’re at. I don’t know what Chicago’s air situation is like.

Chris [00:54:18] Chicago?

Caller [00:54:18] I don’t know. I’ve never been.

Chris [00:54:19] Chicago’s known for really pleasant air. That Windy City blowing that pleasant air right into your eyes. Chicago’s not a city that has a history of industrial, right? They haven’t written whole books about the meat industry and how fucked up it is in this city. Yeah, nothing weird ever goes in that river.

Caller [00:54:39] Okay, listen, pretend you’re a monthly contact wearer, okay? Think about that air, right? It touches your contacts. Okay? You put them in the solution, and then you just pop them in your eye back in the morning. Are you going to put a dirty dish in some lukewarm water, Pull it back out and use it for coffee the next morning? Is that what you’re going to do?

Chris [00:54:58] I don’t even ughhh! Don’t compare contacts to a dirty, lukewarm dish. Ewww!

Caller [00:55:02] That’s literally what it is though. Like, think about it. That’s what it does.

Chris [00:55:06] I went and had a consultation about LASIK and then they told me if I did it, I’d have to get PRK and it freaked me out.

Caller [00:55:13] PRK is super chill, bro.

Chris [00:55:17] But it has a longer recovery and they really cut your eye more, right?

Caller [00:55:19] Well, so they melt it more than they cut it. But…

Chris [00:55:22] It’s also really expensive and I have, I have insurance and it didn’t cover any of it.

Caller [00:55:30] Yeah. It’s because of elective because you can always wear glasses. But PRK, I honestly recommend more than LASIK because the results are more consistent. It may last a lot, not necessarily longer, but it’s a lot harder for your eyes to go back to being bad if you’ve had PRK. And it’s more applicable to more people, it’s just scarier because they have to melt off the surface of your eye and give it a good old scrape.

Chris [00:55:55] Stop, stop. You’re freaking everybody out! There’s people yelling STOP from the crowd! You don’t want to hear the phrase, They have to melt your eye and then scrape the top. People came to a show! People got babysitters. People left their home and went out for a night on the town.

Caller [00:56:14] And now they know to not put their kids in contacts, okay?

Chris [00:56:20] Oh, God. No one in here, I think, will ever. I don’t think anyone ever. There’s going to be a lot of people who go back to glasses after this one. Oh geez.

Caller [00:56:28] I hope so.

Chris [00:56:29] Let’s go back to the Twitter. Let’s see, what else do people. Oh, Nicholas says PRK! Fuck the world!

Caller [00:56:35] Yeah, you know what, Nick? Vibes. I’m in.

Chris [00:56:38] Anne says, Is it bad I was more comfortable hearing about the dead husbands than the eye stuff? Corey says, I’ve never trusted contacts, and I feel so validated. And Jamie wants to know if she can get in on the matching bee tattoos? Oh she was asking her husband. Never mind.

Caller [00:56:58] Oh, well, then I don’t care.

Chris [00:56:59] I see. That was an at at your husband. Got it. Got it.

Caller [00:57:05] I like it. Twitters popping off. I’m into it.

Chris [00:57:08] Yeah. Everybody in the crowd has the hot questions.

Caller [00:57:11] I just want everybody in the crowd to know that I’m going to go brag about this for the whole rest of my life. In case you were curious.

Chris [00:57:18] Taiwan Tea Man wants to know that if me, like, what if me and you got thematic tattoos? What should me and you get?

Caller [00:57:24] I don’t know Taiwan Tea Man very well.

Chris [00:57:27] No, no, me and you, as in Chris Gethard.

Caller [00:57:29] Oh. I was like, I’m just gonna be honest, I don’t know him. Ooh. Okay, here’s the thing. I have an avid love for books. I’m in book clubs. I. I love a good book. I’ll stop working. I’ll stop doing anything if I’m liking a book. I loved your book so we could get little book tattoos. I’d be down for that.

Chris [00:57:49] Little book tattoos. That sounds good.

Caller [00:57:51] Yeah. They’re fun.

Chris [00:57:52] Okay. All right, I’m in. Let’s do it. Imagine that.

Caller [00:58:02] Say less, Chris.

Chris [00:58:03] Four and a half minutes left.

Caller [00:58:05] Okay.

Chris [00:58:05] I feel like sometimes that just leads to chitchat. And if that’s what happens, that’s fine. I also have a feeling that you’re the type of person that’s about to blurt out something else.

Caller [00:58:15] To just really keep you on the hook, line, and sinker?

Chris [00:58:19] Yeah. No, no pressure.

Caller [00:58:20] Oh, yeah. No. Okay, Here’s something to keep you on the hook, line and sinker. Maybe I’ll be on a callback episode. I got ordained as a minister to like, I know it sounds weird, but to marry a couple or to administer a marriage to a couple, one of whom being my ex stepdad who absolutely hates my mom, can’t stand her. But like low-key, same. To his new wife. And since then I’ve used my new ordinance to just, like, marry random people that I know, including I didn’t know I was going to be the minister at my sister’s wedding until about a week before. And I did write her speech to include a bunch of math and dog jokes, even though she hates math and I love dogs.

Chris [00:59:03] Okay. Okay.

Caller [00:59:05] So that’s a fun thing.

Chris [00:59:06] How does your ex stepdad turn to you to become the minister?

Caller [00:59:11] Oh, that’s obviously… Can you hear me? My headphone fell out.

Chris [00:59:16] It actually sounded better. It really did.

Caller [00:59:22] Oh shit. Do you want me to take it back out?

Chris [00:59:23] Yeah. Let’s hear what this could have been the whole time.

Caller [00:59:28] Okay. Is this is this better?

Chris [00:59:30] So much better. 57 minutes of something that was a B-minus. And now we’re right in the A to A-plus range.

Caller [00:59:38] Son of a bitch. Well, here we go. Okay, here’s my real voice, guys, enjoy it. So my ex stepdad, obviously, I’m very close with him, and I go see him for all of the holidays, and I celebrate his life with him. We follow each other on Tik-tok. So the obvious solution was to ask me to be his minister. I don’t know what your question is.

Chris [00:59:56] You follow each other on Tik- no, I think that’s fair. And I’d have I’d have to imagine if he’s your ex stepdad, maybe he was someone who was there for you and a steady presence during what sounds like a really tumultuous childhood, would be my guess.

Caller [01:00:07] No, not at all. He actually caused a lot of it.

Chris [01:00:09] What? Then why are you following each other on TikTok then?

Caller [01:00:15] We’re cool now.

Chris [01:00:18] A lot of forgiving in your life, huh?

Caller [01:00:21] It took a lot. Yeah, I made him work for it. A lot of apologies. A lot of I’m sorry letters. A lot of I was like, Well, I don’t honestly trust you. And I think that you belong in the bottom of a raccoon’s dumpster bin until, like, a couple of years ago when I was like, I guess I’ll accept your apologies. And he came out of rehab, got his life together, started a business, has a great wife, takes really good care of the brother and sister that I have between him and my mom. And he’s actually a pretty good guy now, even though for me I was like, I wish to God you were dead until I was like 19. So things kind of work out sometimes.

Chris [01:00:57] Caller, I got to ask.

Caller [01:00:58] Yes.

Chris [01:01:00] There’s been such a joyous spirit to this one. You’ve been kind of giddy in your ability to blow our mind with all these crazy specifics and stories.

Caller [01:01:08] Thank you.

Chris [01:01:10] But I, I am left feeling like, we only have a minute left and I’m left feeling like you keep dropping things like that where I go, it sounds like it was really chaotic, and that’s the nicest way to say it. It sounds like a shit show for a long time.

Caller [01:01:27] It was.

Chris [01:01:28] I’m wondering if you think long term if you are going to be okay. And how.

Caller [01:01:33] Do you- do you want me to cry on air? Because I’ll do it.

Chris [01:01:36] Sure. I mean, it’s only a minute. Only got a minute left.

Caller [01:01:40] I can get a lot of tears out. Long term, I hope I’m okay. I do. I struggle. That’s not a lie. I struggle a lot with mental health and self-worth and the things around me. And do I even want to be here? But at the end of the day, like I am here. I haven’t kicked the bucket yet. So I’m, I’m hoping it just keeps getting better. It hasn’t gotten worse. So, yeah.

Chris [01:02:07] Caller, our crowd just shouted Happy Birthday.

Caller [01:02:11] Awww! Thank you!

Chris [01:02:11] I wanna echo that. I want to. I want to go ahead and say that I’m glad you’re still here because we got a chance to talk. And I want to say that there’s probably a lot of people who are going to enjoy this episode for the humor and there might just be some people out there in really chaotic living situations who are happy to hear that yours got better.

Caller [01:02:30] I hope so.

Chris [01:02:32] There’s someone suggesting that one of us gets rat poison and the other gets a shotgun as our tattoos.

Caller [01:02:38] Oh, shit. Okay, Chris. You’re shotgun. I’m rat poison.

Chris [01:02:41] Which one do you want? You want to rat? I can’t. I can’t be walking around with a shotgun tattoo. But I also can’t be walking around with a rat poison tattoo.

Caller [01:02:50] Use it to cover up your Morrissey tattoo. It’ll be fine. (CROWD ERUPTS) A burn.

Chris [01:02:56] Yeah. I mean, I should with something, right? Anyway, I think I speak on behalf of all of us, caller, when I say that I’m really glad we got a chance to talk, and I’m really glad that you’re still here. And I hope things keep getting better for you. Sincerely.

Caller [01:03:07] Thank you. Thank you, Chicago.

Chris [01:03:09] Thank you so much for calling in tonight.

Caller [01:03:11] Thanks. So I hang up now?

Chris [01:03:13] Yeah, you hang up now, but not before we all say, Happy Birthday!… Caller, thank you so much for calling and telling us your story. Thanks so much for being so open and honest about your family’s history of murder. Thank you to the people of Chicago for showing up and supporting me. Thank you to Andrea Quinn for coming on the road and doing sound on these shows. Thank you to Anita Flores for producing the show. Jared O’Connell for engineering the show. The theme song is, of course, by the almighty Shellshag. Support Shellshag. You want to know more about me including my upcoming live dates, ChrisGeth.com. And hey, wherever you listen, you can hit a button that says Subscribe, Favorite, Follow. It helps us a lot when you do. You can find all our merch at podswag.com. And if you want your episodes without any ads, you can go ahead and sign up at Stitcher.com/premium. Promo code is “stories”. Get a one month free trial at Stitcher.com/premium.