EP. 140 — I Lost 150 Pounds

[00:01:30] CHRIS: Hello, Toronto. It’s Beautiful Anonymous. One hour, one phone call, no names, no holds barred.

[00:01:41] THEME MUSIC: I’d rather go one-on-one. I think it’ll be more fun and I’ll get to know you and you’ll get to know me.

[00:01:51] CHRIS: Hey, everybody. It’s Chris Gethard, welcoming you to Beautiful Anonymous. Very happy to be here. Lucky to have this gig. Thank you for supporting the show. Lot of things to tell you about. Let’s see, last week’s episode, Basement Infidelity. People reacted very strongly to that one. In the Facebook community, I will say, I was shocked, somewhat dismayed to see how many people left comments saying I have been there, I have also been cheated on, I don’t know all the facts, it does mess with your head. But I’ll also say I was very inspired because all those comments came from a place of real compassion for the caller and saying, hey, there’s other people out here dealing with stuff. You’re not the only one. You’re not alone. And that Facebook community, I have to say, as I become increasingly disenchanted with the internet, that Facebook community dedicated to Beautiful Anonymous, really positive place. I hope you join up. We’ve, of course, been doing the Beautiful Follow-Ups series on Stitcher Premium. You can get a free month if you want to listen to a bunch of them, stitcherpremium.com/stories, promo code stories. You go get a free month of Stitcher Premium, get these follow-up calls. This week’s follow-up call is coming out Friday, it’s with an all time legend of the show, Aussie Best Friend. You guys remember from the Baltimore live taping. His dad was a drug kingpin. But then also, me and him, just realized we would be pals. Caught up with the Aussie Best Friend. Explored this friendship. Also did it in a way that is brand new, structured this call in a way we’ve never done before on Beautiful Anonymous. So you’re going to want to check that out. Now, this week’s episode was from our live taping in Toronto. I think you guys are going to enjoy it. It is from someone who transformed physically in a very short period of time and tells us about the positives and negatives of that. I will say the live crowd was using Twitter to let me know, even in the room, some people who have dealt with body image issues were feeling very put on the spot. Thank you guys for bearing with that and and being a part of the conversation, letting me know. It also lets me know that I should let listeners out there know. This might, if you’re someone who’s dealt with some body image stuff, this one might really bring some stuff up. So, you know, brace yourself for that. But most of all, I want to thank the caller and the live crowd in Toronto. It was a very, very fascinating call and I hope you enjoy it as well.

[00:04:06] PHONE ROBOT: Thank you for calling Beautiful Anonymous. A beeping noise will indicate when you are on the show with the host.

[00:04:13] CALLER: Hello.

[00:04:15] CHRIS: Hi.

[00:04:16] CALLER: Hi. Hi, Toronto. [crowd cheers]

[00:04:21] CHRIS: Look at that. Okay, so you know the deal, you know that there’s people listening and they might contribute questions via Twitter.

[00:04:27] CALLER: Oh, yeah, I definitely do.

[00:04:29] CHRIS: All right. Now, can I ask, where are you from?

[00:04:32] CALLER: I’m from Toronto’s favorite other Canadian city, Montreal. [crowd cheers] We have a love hate relationship.

[00:04:41] CHRIS: I sensed that from the reaction of this crowd. It is fun for me doing these internationally because I get to pick up on things like some people started cheering and then some people went ugghhhh.

[00:04:54] CALLER: So how long have you been in Toronto?

[00:04:58] CHRIS: I got here late last night and did a show at midnight and then woke up today and we did an in-person Beautiful Anonymous taping at noon. Then I did press and now I’m here. It’s been a busy day. Hit the ground running.

[00:05:13] CALLER: Yeah. And how are you?

[00:05:18] CHRIS: How am I? Let’s see. How am I doing? I’m not going to lie. I’m a little tired. Ran into a comedian friend of mine who I haven’t seen in a few years, who’s a very good friend. We wound up going to an A&W that was open 24 hours and we were catching up and the next thing I know, I look down, it’s 3:15 in the morning and I said, I haven’t been up at 3:00 a.m. in years. I’m getting old. So that’s how I’m doing. But I’m excited, excited to be here. And I love doing shows in this town. Now, how are you?

[00:05:50] CALLER: You caught me at a, not a great time in my life, to be honest.

[00:05:54] CHRIS: Okay.

[00:05:55] CALLER: It’s okay. It could be worse, but I’m struggling a little.

[00:05:59] CHRIS: Well, what’s going on?

[00:06:00] CALLER: This might be a downer call unfortunately, and a good one, I guess, there’s good in everything, right?

[00:06:04] CHRIS: That’s okay. I mean, every once in a while you go to a comedy festival and you just have a real downer of an experience. It’s totally fine.

[00:06:12] CALLER: [Laughs] Exactly. No I’m okay. I have an interesting story. A couple of years ago, I’m about your age.

[00:06:21] CHRIS: Okay.

[00:06:22] CALLER: And I’m a mother of three very young kids. Well, not that young, but the youngest just turned four. The oldest just turned seven. So I had three in three years. And I’m about your age. And I was, most of my life, I was super, morbidly obese. I’m short and I was like 300 pounds at 5’2″. So I had a specific life experience. And then I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what got into me or what flash of inspiration I had. Obviously, I knew this whole time I needed to lose weight, but I started losing weight and I lost about 150 pounds in less than a year.

[00:07:04] CHRIS: In less than a year?

[00:07:05] CALLER: On purpose, you know, I didn’t accidentally lose it. I worked really hard to lose it. And so I went from really, really big and living a life that way to super athletic and fit and running marathons. [crowd cheers]

[00:07:23] CHRIS: Marathons, wow. Well, you know, the crowd is applauding your new found dedication to health.

[00:07:30] CALLER: Thank you.

[00:07:31] CHRIS: So that’s literally half of your body is gone.

[00:07:35] CALLER: Oh, yeah, literally. Literally. And it happened so fast, which I don’t recommend because there were tons of health problems that came along with it. But I was, and I didn’t like have surgery or anything. I really did it through diet and exercise. But it’s to the point where I would see someone and then I would see someone I hadn’t seen in two months. And they literally did not recognize who I was. They did not know it was me. I look drastically different just from the weight change. So it was, and because it was so fast, it was so interesting for me to see how the world treated me, in both instances. It was so interesting and I have lots to say about it.

[00:08:24] CHRIS: Yeah, I have a lot of questions about that. I’m sure our crowd does, too. Before we get into that, though, I do want to follow up just on one thing, just for my own peace of mind and maybe anyone listening. That is an extreme amount of weight loss. You did say there were health problems that came along with it. Did you lose it by healthy methods? Because that is so extreme. I just want to make sure.

[00:08:46] CALLER: Yes I absolutely did it. I went from like not moving and eating garbage to, first it was just, I actually, it was just watching what I ate very carefully. But like, no, I did not have, I did not get any, I didn’t do it in like, I was not at all bulimic or anorexic or anything. My heart goes out to people who struggle with that. I just, I started with just dropping some weight. I was lucky it was fast with me and I was motivated. So it didn’t bother me to cut my calories as much as I did, but I still had way more than enough calories to be healthy. The health problems I got were simply hormonal because it affects your hormones. And so, you know, my body just wasn’t used to being so small. So it just took some time to adjust, that’s all the health problems were. I don’t have them any more, like I had hair loss. I lost hair. But no, it was a healthy way. It was in a healthy way.

[00:09:50] CHRIS: Did you say you lost hair?

[00:09:55] CALLER: Then I started exercising six months in maybe. And then I looked, I loved it. And so that combined with exercise finished it off.

[00:10:05] CHRIS: Wow. Wow. And are you dealing? I know that sometimes people who have like a very quick large amount of weight loss have, there is, there’s like extra skin and there’s, there’s still other things to deal with even within, right?

[00:10:20] CALLER: Yeah. Yeah. Actually that’s why I’m struggling, like I learned that, you know, like I’ve managed, when I was bigger, I blamed all my problems on that fact. And I know that like it’s true. Like, everyone is so terribly mean to large people and life is hard when you’re very large. And so many people are these days. And like the judgment and everything, it’s just, I can’t even. It’s so, it’s so bad the way people treat people who are obese. It’s, it’s terrible. Even in Canada, which is, you know, known to be a nice place. And then all of a sudden, I’m like this skinny mini person who, okay, they don’t see the skin when I’m wearing clothes. But like people, people treat me differently. People treat me differently in all aspects. All aspects. Because they think, I have discipline. I have willpower. I care about myself. I care about my kids more. Like people would judge me as a mother because I was a big person, you know. And now all of a sudden they don’t. And I’m exactly the same person. In fact, I’m going through a lot less struggles now because I can sit in the chair. And I don’t worry about whether I’ll sit in anywhere in public or anything, anything. Quite, quite remarkable, the difference.

[00:11:54] CHRIS: Now, I hear a lot of emotion in your voice as you talk about the treatment of larger people. I think it’s totally justified. I have to wonder, is it, are you, is there more emotion now that you see the other side? Is being healthier and knowing the other side, does that, does that, is that… I would imagine in so many ways that that is a relief healthwise and and whatnot. But does it almost make you angrier to see the difference in how you’re treated now?

[00:12:22] CALLER: Oh yeah. I wasn’t angry before. I thought I would always be that way. I thought I will never, ever lose weight. I just, I just didn’t feel like I would ever have control over my size. I just thought, this is the way it is. My life will be shortened. This is who I am. And so I never, I just dealt with how people were with me because I thought this is the way things are. And I never really experienced the other side. And now, like, I’m at the grocery store, people aren’t glancing in my carriage or in my cart and seeing cookies and looking at me with disgust like, oh, that girl shouldn’t be eating cookies. Or people are looking me in the face, smiling at me when they wouldn’t have before. Like, even though I’m taking up less space physically, they’re giving me the time of day. In a way they never would before.

[00:13:20] CHRIS: Wow. So you see it. You see it. Now that you’re experiencing the life of a smaller person, you’ve realized that there’s been 30-something years where shit was not as fair as it should have been.

[00:13:38] CALLER: Yeah, yeah. And so now I feel like, you know, when I’m walking, and it’s funny because if I’m somewhere in public, people have no idea that I used to be the size I was. And when I meet new people and I show them old pictures, they’re absolutely shocked. And it’s like, and then when I’m hanging around with someone who is big, it’s almost like they have shame next to me, because that’s just, it infiltrates their personality. They won’t look me in the face because they think I’m automatically judging them because every one of normal size in their head does. So I you know, I almost, it’s sad. It makes me feel sad because I was that person and I don’t judge them because I still am that person. I look different. So it’s really, really interesting to go through this.

[00:14:37] CHRIS: Yeah, yeah. I can imagine to have an actual physical transformation and all of a sudden experience life in a different way is a strange thing that not all of us will deal with in life. It is funny. Do you, here’s a question, because it does sound like it has brought up some many emotions and it has made you examine the world and it has made you think hard about people and the way they treat each other. Is there any part of you that regrets going through the transformation.

[00:15:12] CALLER: Well, here’s the thing and here’s where I’m struggling. I would say I kept the weight off for about two years, but studies have shown, and this isn’t an excuse, but those who have lost a lot of weight, their body is always trying to get back to that weight. And so it’s just, they just, it’s harder for them to maintain a normal weight than it is for someone who is of normal weight their whole life. And most people gain it back. And I am struggling big time because in the past year, I am slowly gaining it back. So but like I’m still, I’m still a healthy weight, like I was, it’s my personality. I’m a type A personality. And which is why, like, I got all into fitness and I like, I was, I became a very successful runner running and winning races. Local races, not super huge ones.

[00:16:11] CHRIS: What? Talk to me about that. Talk to me about that. So you, because that was bad ass. You were, like successful runner. And I in my head thought like, you’re wearing a Fitbit and counting 10,000 steps every day and then you go, no, I was winning. What do you mean, you were entering competitive races and taking first place?

[00:16:29] CALLER: No, not like, not like, not competitive. But I, one day I was into, like, exercise and I’m like, I think, and it was the Fitbit, I got a Fitbit, I’m like, what’s the best way to get, get steps in? I know. Let’s actually try running them, instead of like running around my living room coffee table. So I tried one day and then I just did a 5K. And then I came home like, wow, I could run a 5K. And it wasn’t like crazy fast, but it was like, I finished one and it was not that slow either. So then I’m like, I think I like running. And so I started and turns out some other friends I know that have run races before are like, actually, I think you’re pretty fast. People don’t usually run this fast. And turns out, okay like not like the big, the big ones, but like sort of local races, out of like, let’s say two to five hundred runners. I’ve often won. Like for those who run, I could run a 10k in 40 minutes, about, for a woman. Which is pretty fast.

[00:17:37] CHRIS: I have no idea. Some people are clapping. I have no idea either of good race times or the metric system. [crowd laughs] So I’m completely, there’s not…

[00:17:48] CALLER: It’s not competitive, but it’s actually pretty fast. And so I was like, okay, I think I’m going to try running a half marathon. That was my first race, was a half marathon.

[00:17:59] CHRIS: Now, 10k to me either could be like from here…

[00:18:04] CALLER: Oh sorry, that’s six miles.

[00:18:05] CHRIS: Six miles, okay. Because I was gonna say that to me could be from here to the other side of the theater. It could be from here to Buffalo. What’s 10k? No I know it’s not that wide a range. So then you’re entering half marathons.

[00:18:16] CALLER: Yeah. And I was like doing a half marathon like a good, in an hour and a half, an hour and a half.

[00:18:28] CHRIS: There are whispers of clearcut appreciation here amongst the crowd. Someone is raising the roof in the middle of the theater in appreciation of your half marathon time. Wow. That’s, that’s pretty awesome.

[00:18:40] CALLER: But yet, you know what, I would be standing in the line about to go. And I, like a year ago, these people would not know I was 300 pounds. I’m like in the first corral, like, I’ve like these super fit guys all around me, like crazy fit. And like, here I am with my hangy skin everywhere, because that actually hinders your run, it’s like, it makes a difference. So I can only wear certain clothes and all that.

[00:19:04] CHRIS: Like, aerodynamically?

[00:19:05] CALLER: You know, I feel like an imposter, you know? Crazy.

[00:19:10] CHRIS: Yeah, feel like an imposter. We have, we have some questions coming in from our crowd. I’m going to go to those, if that’s okay with you.

[00:19:18] CALLER: Yeah.

[00:19:19] CHRIS: One question that’s come up a few times that I’m very interested in. What do your kids think of your rapid weight loss, how has it affected your relationship with them?

[00:19:28] CALLER: That’s a good question. That’s a good question. They, it happened, I started losing weight when my youngest was about six months old, and my oldest was just over three and they did not even really notice. Which is just, it melts my heart because it doesn’t matter to them what I look like. It doesn’t matter. I’m still the same person. It’s just sometimes I’d be, you know, instead of, like, sitting around because I couldn’t move, I’m like, okay, let’s go for a run. And while one is like somewhere else, I’d take the double stroller and push two kids. And that’s how I spent my time with them sometimes or I’d be more active. I was a lot and I became a lot more involved. But they were so young when the transformation happened. At this point, they’re just like, oh, I think that must have been when mommy had the last kid in her tummy, that’s why she looked different. You know, there doesn’t, it didn’t really, they just suddenly became proud because I was winning races. So they were telling all their friends, my mommy wins races. So really they were just proud about that. Or like, oh, she’s strong. She can lift up a whole car, you know? Even though I can’t. [Chris laughs]

[00:20:40] CHRIS: Did you lift up the car in front of your children or were they just assuming based on your other achievements? That’s really awesome that kids are just kids. I think that’s pretty great. A lot of people are pointing out in various forms that this is a touchy subject, that there is a whole, that being larger doesn’t necessarily denote health problems, that for some people this might be triggering to think about. And I just want to say that I hear you on all that and I will say Caller, too, it sounds like you did this for your own health and your own thing. And it does, in the comments that are coming in, there are a lot of people saying things along those lines. A lot of people wondering how you feel about the body positivity movement. Which, pardon my ignorance, does this refer to the idea of accepting yourself for who you are? The idea that there’s a movement towards more plus size models, towards just accepting things at a less sort of pressured state of being than sometimes, especially I think women more than men get pushed into. How do you feel about that?

[00:21:51] CALLER: Oh, I’m totally, totally, totally for it. Totally. Like I said, I still am, I am still that obese woman. I still have all of the things inside me that caused me to be that way. I still, like an alcoholic. I still, well I’m not an alcoholic. I don’t want to seem insensitive. But like, I’m, I consider myself addicted to food.

[00:22:16] CHRIS: Right. Right.

[00:22:18] CALLER: So I still want to eat exactly the same way I always did, which is why I struggle with gaining weight back and what that involves and everything and like. And I’m like if only life were more accepting of every type of person and not so judgmental as to like, see the thing with being obese, for some people, I’m speaking on my own behalf. But like, it might be some issues with depression or anxiety or something. And that is their way to cope. But it’s something that everyone else can see. You can’t do that in private. They know how big you are. So it’s just walking around in the shame that like, yeah, I slipped up again, like, for me. For me, that’s how it feels. And I feel like, you know, body positivity only helps in those problems. Like nobody’s perfect. You can see that maybe this person might be bigger than their healthy self should be. But it’s not you know, it’s they still are worthy of love. They still are worthy of eating food without our judgment and everything else that any other person is. [crowd clapping] We all have our struggles.

[00:23:42] CHRIS: I think you’re getting some people riled up in a good way out here.

[00:23:44] [AD BREAK]

[00:27:23] CHRIS: It’s funny, too, because you just said something that, and I want you to know, just because it’s so fascinating that it came up, this tweet came in just as you were saying, comparing yourself to an alcoholic. Someone in the crowd says, I used to weigh 356 pounds. I’m now 130 pounds. I kept it off for 10 years. Every day I struggle. It’s like I think of food like a drug addict. So you’re not the only one making that comparison.

[00:27:46] CALLER: Well, I can only imagine that a lot of us feel that way. There’s like because at least with the difficulties I’ve had, it is not easy. It’s not the easy way. It’s not easy to be so big that you can’t do anything. You’re always hot and sweating. You can’t buy clothes almost anywhere. You don’t get to choose something because it’s cute.

[00:28:12] CHRIS: Someone did ask you had to spend to have a complete new wardrobe.

[00:28:18] CALLER: Yeah, like every three months I had to change. And it was so expensive. I can’t even tell you. Yeah. It was really bad. And plus, I was getting into running, so I wanted all the newest running gear and clothes and all that. And like, oops, no, it’s too big for me now. It’s too big for me now. Yeah.

[00:28:37] CHRIS: Wow. It’s almost like, I hope this isn’t, I don’t think this is insulting. It’s like turning over your clothes every three months is usually only reserved for like newborn children. Like that’s the only time you turn over your entire wardrobe every three months. It’s like an actual rebirth was happening.

[00:28:56] CALLER: Yeah. Yeah.

[00:28:58] CHRIS: A lot of people… oh, no, go for it.

[00:29:01] CALLER: Oh, no, because I can get into a big, long thing. So go ahead.

[00:29:06] CHRIS: A lot of people are asking versions of the same question. I’ll just put out some of the ones that are in the same range. A few different people have asked if you noticed any increase in sexual harassment once you had lost the weight. Somebody is asking how did it change your love life? I think this is something that…

[00:29:29] CALLER: Oh, interesting. Okay. I have, I have a good answer for the second one. [crowd laughs] No, don’t worry, it’s not too risque. It’s actually not risque. But the first one. No. The only thing I’ve noticed is definitely more attention from men. They didn’t even notice me before. But now, the thing is, like, this is depressing for anyone who wants to lose weight. But like, I was like, you know, my motivation, I’m gonna look so good. I’m gonna be so sexy. And yeah, that didn’t happen. I looked like a super athletic person in a deflated fat suit, basically. And lots of wrinkles and hair loss. So it’s like, no, I actually felt a lot sexier bigger. Well, I’ll tell you that, like in myself. Also, I have a partner. Funny, I noticed that in other places, other countries, specifically the States but I might be wrong. You could correct me. There’s a lot more people that get married, but at least here in Quebec, so many people are just common law, people just don’t get married anymore. And I’m not technically married, but I have a partner of many years. We have a mortgage. We have a house. We might as well be married. But a lot of people just don’t do it anymore.

[00:30:49] CHRIS: Is that a stereotype people have about Americans? Is that a thing that we get married more often than other cultures?

[00:30:56] CALLER: I just assumed, I have, I don’t know.

[00:30:58] CHRIS: I had no idea.

[00:30:59] CALLER: I see the typical get married, have kids, in that order. And we were we were like, he proposed to me and I’m like, all right, but I’m getting up there, let’s have kids and then we’ll talk about getting married. And then kids happened. And then we’re like, I really don’t feel like spending our money on something so frivolous when, like, our kids will have to go to college and like get braces and everything like that.

[00:31:23] CHRIS: So you opted not to get married just out of the practicality in a financial sense.

[00:31:27] CALLER: Yeah. And I might, I might eventually, a little thing. But it’s just, it feels so silly now. There are so many more important things, you know.

[00:31:35] CHRIS: Yeah. I mean there are so many stereotypes about Americans. I did not think that was what you’re gonna go with. I figured you’d have been like oh…

[00:31:41] CALLER: I just, I just assumed, I just assumed from, all we see is in the media, I don’t like actually know people.

[00:31:48] CHRIS: Is that what the media is reporting? These goddamn married Americans, man, all these goddamn matrimony driven. Why are Americans so driven by matrimony? I thought the news about us coming out the past couple of years is far harsher than that. I did not think it was all about our marriage habits. I thought people were talking about our rampant, rampant obsession with military conflict and progressively more fascist and conservative values. I thought that’s what they were talking about. But I guess the marriage thing is something we got to start thinking about in a big way. It’s funny… oh, go for it.

[00:32:26] CALLER: So my love life, though.

[00:32:27] CHRIS: Yes, your love life.

[00:32:29] CALLER: He and I met when I was, okay I wasn’t quite as big. I had gained weight since I was with him. But as a plump woman. He prefers his women larger, not like unhealthy, but he likes a bit of meat on his ladies. And all of a sudden I was no longer his preferred. Look, everyone has a type, I guess, you know, and that’s fine. We’re not jealous people like, I’m not actually a very romantic person. So I’m like we love each other, it’s gone way beyond what we look like. So it’s not a concern, but it’s something we had to… and plus the skin and everything made me feel very self-conscious about my body, at least as self-conscious as when I was big, at least. So we have, we had to work through that.

[00:33:27] CHRIS: Wow. So you make this body change in a quest to be sexier, you just said. And then the guy…

[00:33:35] CALLER: Well, no, I was just hoping that would be part of it. It was not the reason.

[00:33:28] CHRIS: That was not the reason. Health was more of the primary motivator, it sounds like.

[00:33:41] CALLER: Yes.

[00:33:42] CHRIS: Right. And along the way…

[00:33:44] CALLER: And I wasn’t unhealthy, I wasn’t unhealthy. At that point, I actually was a very healthy, obese person. I didn’t have any issues or anything, but I just, it was just preventing me from living the life I wanted to live, let’s just say that.

[00:33:56] CHRIS: Right. And especially with three young kids, I’d imagine. You just, even just in the ability, I would imagine like, I have friends who have kids and they spend their whole day lifting things and reaching for things and chasing the kids around. And I would imagine there’s just some level of, yeah, you have to live a life at a certain pace when you have three kids. And it sounds like you went for it. I was gonna say, though, what a fascinating thing that along the way, you’re like side benefit, this is gonna make me sexier in maybe the more mainstream archetypal sense. But then the guy who you’re with, it goes in the opposite direction. It’s funny. It’s not funny in like a laugh out loud sense, I more mean, fascinating in the sense of you don’t think about it. Everybody, I feel like we all, we all have these things where we’re like if I could just change this, it would solve all my problems. And then it happens, and it solves none of your problems. And you’re like, man, man, for me it’s career.

[00:34:59] CALLER: I’ve heard you say that, I’ve heard you say that with your career. Like, you know, if I just succeed as a comedian. And then what did you say? Didn’t you say, like some of your best times, you wish you had appreciated the times when you were just like, just starting out?

[00:35:10] CHRIS: Oh my god. Oh, you have no idea. You have no idea. Now that my TV show is cancelled, fans of the podcasts heard for months, my degrading relationship with my own television show. You guys could read between the lines. You would hear me do intros where I’d be so clearly like, so check out my show and you’d be like, this boy is tired. This guy just sounds so tired. And it was, it was like for years I was like, if I just prove them all wrong man, nobody thinks I got what it takes. If I can just make it, then it’ll do. And here’s what happened. I just got yelled at all the time, stressed out, tired. My real life was happening behind the scenes, and not to get weird in front of a live crowd, and I don’t need to get specific, but like there were aspects of my real life the past three years that are by far some of the hardest things I’ve dealt with. But nobody wants to fucking hear that from a guy with a TV show, you know what I mean? And all of a sudden it’s like, oh, I feel like I always thought I’d get to something like this and it would be like I proved them all wrong and now I can sail off into the sunset. And it’s like there’s some elements in which it really felt beautiful. And there were some elements where I’m like, oh, I locked myself in a weird cage and it didn’t erase any of the insecurities that got me here. I’m just an insecure person. No accomplishment will change that. I just have to learn how to coexist with the fact that I’m terrifically insecure and chasing and chasing and chasing a brass ring isn’t going to erase my insecurities. It’s going to mean at best I have my hand on some arbitrary brass ring. It’s not even a gold or silver ring. It’s a brass ring. Why do we call it that? Why did we go with that.

[00:36:51] CALLER: I don’t know. I don’t know. You know that word, I should have used it myself. Insecure. Exactly. I feel my insecurities are all there. And then some. Because I’m, now I’m surrounding myself with people who have always been this way, comparing myself to their bodies like or fitness or whatever. And it’s like, it’s like I’m still going to feel like I’m never going to be good enough.

[00:37:14] CHRIS: Yeah, I hear you.

[00:37:16] CALLER: No matter what.

[00:37:17] CHRIS: I got the same thing with career and looks where I’m like I’m never gonna, now my show’s cancelled, I’m back to being this guy. Everybody pities me. Nobody pities me. I never, it’s funny because mine was never driven my size. Mostly I’ve never watched an episode of my own TV show because it makes me feel so sad how I look. And all I see is forehead. I watch my own stuff on TV and all I see is forehead. But you want to hear something nice, and it sounds like you have a partner who’s similar. You want to hear something nice? I’ll sometimes go on stage and I’ll make self-deprecating jokes about how I look and the crowd will laugh. And my wife about a month ago said to me, we’re driving home once night, she saw me in a show and I made a self-deprecating joke about my appearance and she said, I don’t get why people laugh at those jokes. You’re very handsome. [crowd applauds]

[00:38:06] CALLER: Aww, yay.

[00:38:09] CHRIS: I was like that, I got to get out of my own way. We all got to get out of our way, huh?

[00:38:12] CALLER: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I’m like-

[00:38:15] CHRIS: Oh no, now I’m crying in front of Toronto. Hold on. I’m fucking crying. Why did I do that? I can’t ever talk about my wife in public or I start crying. She doesn’t, she’s not really, never mind, I was about to make another. I was about to hide the fact that I’m crying by making a joke about my own masculinity. In response to how my wife doesn’t love that I make those jokes. That tells you everything you need to know about my fucked up brain. I bet there’s a lot of people have their own versions of that and some people have the exact same. Oh, someone says Caller, you’re awesome. What’s one thing you love about yourself?

[00:39:01] CALLER: Aww, um… You see, I’m hesitating. Isn’t that terrible? You know what? I love that… I can’t even say. I love lots of things about myself. I’m proud of myself. I like that I, I’m loyal to my family and I love, like I would do anything for my family. And then my kids, well, I mean, I created three perfect children like everyone else did. My kids are… And I’m proud, I’m proud of the mother that I am. And for those who are mothers in the audience, okay, this is controversial. And let it be what it is. But I am a breast feeder. And I, my daughter, let’s just say she’s almost four, my youngest, I still breastfeed her. I know people have opinions about that. I just want to get that out there. So anyways.

[00:40:00] CHRIS: By the way, people are actually yelling stuff. What was that?

[00:40:02] CROWD MEMBER: I said she’s okay, don’t worry.

[00:40:04} CHRIS: Someone from the very back of the room yelled, she’s okay, don’t worry.

[00:40:09] CALLER: Oh, no, I know she’s okay. Like even my own family had something to say about it. But like my first one, I tried it, it didn’t work out. My second one I did. And then I had my kids so close. Then I got pregnant and I was still breastfeeding. And then I tandem nursed my two youngest, which means at the same time.

[00:40:30] CHRIS: No, wait. Hold on. Hold. Hold on. Hold on. You don’t mean like at the same time, like.

[00:40:37] CALLER: Sometimes. Sometimes literally. I mean there are two.

[00:40:42] CHRIS: That’s a thing?

[00:40:45] CALLER: Yeah. I mean it’s not super common.

[00:40:48] CHRIS: I guess you all sit down for dinner together huh.

[00:40:49] CALLER: Twins. Some people do it with twins.

[00:40:52] CHRIS: Oh yeah. With twins. That makes sense.

[00:40:54] CALLER: Yeah. Yeah. So I’m lucky I’m still able to do that.

[[00:40:59] CHRIS: I’m an idiot. Sometimes I’m just an idiot. Every once in a while I’m just a teenage boy again.

[00:41:05] CALLER: And through a huge weight loss. Which is unlikely too.

[00:41:06] CHRIS: What’s that?

[00:41;07] CALLER: Some people are unable to breastfeed during a weight loss. And I was able to the whole time. I’m very lucky about that.

[00:41:15] CHRIS: Yeah. Well, we have someone who explained the brass ring comes from older carousels where you can grab a metal ring each revolution and a brass ring wins you a free ride. I’m glad we’ve all gotten to the bottom of the brass ring mystery. Thank you for that. We’ve all learned that together today. Someone else mentioned, I said before, I don’t know if 10K would be a run from here to Buffalo. And someone did tweet, no-one wants to run to Buffalo. So Toronto throwing shade at Buffalo. [crowd claps] Ooh, the condescending clap of the Toronto audience as Buffalo gets brought up. You know, everybody in Buffalo right now is like Toronto, stop trying to steal our football team. That’s what everybody’s thinking. There’s another person that says this call is brutal for me. I’m having a really hard time hearing something that brings up all the ignorant negative shit I deal with as a fat woman. But you’re doing a great job being respectful and kind. But it’s funny because I get it and I understand. But I feel like one of the things that I keep hearing from you and maybe I’m reading between the lines, but one of the things I keep hearing from you is you go it comes with its own set of problems. It doesn’t change anything internal and it doesn’t even necessarily make it easier across the board in the world in the way you think it does. And if there’s, if there’s one thing I’ve come to know from just living life and specifically with this show, it’s that I think we could all agree that if we just stopped judging each other so much, our instinct is to judge, right, because we’re tribal as humans. But if we could let it go, we could all just relax a little bit, man. [crowd claps and cheers]

[00:42:50] CALLER: I totally agree. Totally.

[00:42:53] CHRIS: Oh, someone, since you brought up being a good mom, someone wants to shout out her mom. Sarah-Ann says, my mom drove all the way from Philly to see this with me. Moms are the best. [crowd cheers] How about that?

[00:43:06] CALLER: Go mom, yay!

[00:43:07] CHRIS: Laura wants to know, a respectful question. Until what age does she intends to breastfeed?

[00:43:13] CALLER: Well, listen, my daughter just today said no mom, I told myself, yeah, I actually can have conversations with the person I breastfeed. I never thought, anyways,  I know, I know, I know the comments will be coming, but whatever, it’s my life.

[00:43:29] CHRIS: So wait, do you have those conversations?

[00:43:32] CALLER: Well, yeah, because like it’s been a while. And I told myself I’ll let themselves wean. So basically let the kid figure out when they’re done. And I’d like to say this. The youngest child is the most independent kid I’ve ever had in my life. And she’s breastfeeding for this long. So to say that they won’t be is crazy. But anyways, she’s like, yeah, I think I’m done. I think she’s figured out there’s none left in there anyways.

[00:43:52] CHRIS: Really? Are there times – oh god, I shouldn’t ask this, but I have to – are there times where like there’s breastfeeding happening and the kid stops and is like, hey, this one is kind of tapped out? Can we switch the other side?

[00:44:07] CALLER: Yeah. Well, yeah. But like, I don’t play games. Like, I’m like, okay, like, I just do it at bedtime now, like I would never do something like do it in public. She eats food and drinks regular milk now, like it’s not, she doesn’t need it at all. So like when I, when I don’t want to or don’t think it’s, I think it’s an inappropriate place or time, I’m like, no. You know, and she’s like, oh. And then she goes and plays or whatever. But, you know, for her right now, like before bed or when she wakes up, it’s still important to her. Although today she said she thinks she’s finished. So we will see tomorrow. Cross your fingers. I never offer.

[00:44:44] CHRIS: Wow. You say you have these conversations where you have to shut it down. So are there times where you’re at a restaurant and the kid’s like, I’d like to breastfeed. And you’re like, no, this is not the time or place. And she’s like, all right, I guess I’ll have the flounder. Like, is it that. [crowd laughs]

[00:44:53] CALLER: No, no, we’re way past that. No, she would never ever ask something that.

[00:45:00] CHRIS: It was a joke, the whole time.

[00:45:02] CALLER: I know, I know. I’m sorry. I’m getting defensive.

[00:45:04] CHRIS: No, it’s okay. We have a lot, this breastfeeding thing is setting the hashtag on fire.

[00:45:10] CALLER: I know, I know.

[00:45:12] [AD BREAK]

[00:47:10] CHRIS: Someone says, my grandma still makes fun of my grandpa because he was breastfed until he was 4. He’s been dead for 15 years. How about this.

[00:47:23] CALLER: Oh my god. To be fair she’s 3, she’s almost 4, but she’s not, she’s not 4 year. Almost 4.

[00:47:26] CHRIS: Oh, that’s okay. Someone else says, I didn’t see this becoming a logistical dialog of breastfeeding. A lot of breastfeeding stuff coming in. Oh, someone saying I breastfed triplets. That sounds intense. That’s a traffic jam situation right there. Look at that. Chris, I wish you could have seen your face when the caller said tandem breastfeeding. That was so joyful. Someone else says Buffalo has incredible architecture and cheap beer. How about that? And someone else says something that I think is a really important thing. Stephanie, this is beautiful. If you don’t love yourself when you’re fat, you’re not going to love yourself when you’re thin. I think that that’s a beautiful thought. [crowd claps]

[00:48:10] CALLER: Yeah. That is true. Yeah.

[00:48:14] CHRIS: Oh, Laura asked a question that I’m now immediately obsessed with that I need to know the answer to. Oh, god. It seems that. Does the breastfeeding help you lose weight?

[00:48:26] CALLER: Well, they say it does. It does a bit because breast milk has calories in it, right.

[00:48:32] CHRIS: Really?

[00:48:31] CALLER: So the kid is taking some of the calories out of you and gaining weight themselves.

[00:48:37] CHRIS: No way. Bodies are weird.

[00:48:40] CALLER: But it also makes you much hungrier, though. So you’re going to eat more. So usually, no, not really, maybe a bit.

[00:48:46] CHRIS: So it evens out. It evens out.

[00:48:48] CALLER: It depends on the person.

[00:48:50] CHRIS: I guess that’s fair. Someone’s asked, wait, what does this mean? Has she tried chocolate milk? What does that mean? Is that how you wean a kid off breastfeeding, you give them chocolate milk? Who knew? That brought everything to a screeching halt. We’re now all contemplating the role of chocolate milk.

[00:49:10] CALLER: Yeah, I’m sorry about that. I probably shouldn’t have mentioned it. But anyways, I’m proud of the mother that I am. Also, I’m proud of the accomplishments I’ve had in my running. I did run a full marathon. And that was my most proud, besides like giving birth and everything, but it was the most proud moment of my life. Crossing that finish line of a full marathon. Which is 26 miles, 42 kilometers.

[00:49:38] CHRIS: Oh, I was going to try to guess the kilometers. That’s okay. You beat me to the punch. Now, what do you do outside of this conversation? Like, are you, are you working? I would imagine with three kids, are you raising the kids? Like, what’s the, what’s the…

[00:49:54] CALLER: Yeah, I’m raising the kids. So I’m not working right now. But now that my youngest will be in school within a couple years, I hope to get back in the workforce. But I basically feel lucky, Canada, we get long maternity leave, yay. [crowd applauds] I don’t know what you guys are waiting for, but it’s like totally necessary, I think.

[00:50:18] CHRIS: America, they’re like, you get four days, you married fuck. You get four days, that’s your maternity leave.

[00:50:26] CALLER: I can’t even. No, no.

[00:50:31] CHRIS: That’s what you get for your dedication to marriage.

[00:50:31] CALLER: I had maternity leaves back to back. And then I was like, you know, I have so many kids, I can’t justify child costs right now. So I’ll just stay home until they’re all in school and then I’ll get back to it. I don’t know doing what, I don’t have a career per se, but something, I don’t know.

[00:50:44] CHRIS: But you’re going to get back out there. Now, I wanted to just, Patti has explained the logistics of breastfeeding triplets, I believe. One baby on each breast and rock the third in a basket with your foot. Double football holds. That’s how you breastfeed triplets, apparently.

[00:51:07] CALLER: Oh, yeah, I know the football hold, but that is crazy. Having to juggle a third in the mix.

[00:51:14] CHRIS: Look at that. Look at that. Now we’ve got about 18 minutes left, caller. And it’s funny, it’s funny, we’ve really walked a line. What would you say? Because there’s a wide variety of reactions from our crowd right now. Some people who are like, this is a great discussion in terms of body positivity. Other people were saying, you know, it feels like the promotion of being thin over being heavy in a way that I do not intend and I get the sense you do not intend. So where would you land as far as this experience? It seems like it’s left you with some positive feelings as far as participating in athletics and in many of these things. A lot of pride there. It also seems like it’s created a lot of negative feelings as far as thinking hard about the interactions of the world with people’s weight. Where would you say you land overall, having lost half your body weight in a year? What would you say the overall conclusion is of that experience?

[00:52:14] CALLER: Well, it’s like no regret at all because I can be there for my kids. I will most likely live longer and be with my family longer. And there’s nothing, there’s never, whenever I consider doing something, whether it be water skiing or applying for a job or anything, I’ll never say what I look like and how much I weigh will never be a factor in that decision. And it’s such a freeing feeling. It was, it was underlying everything of my life before. And then all of a sudden I’m vulnerable because like, oh my god, I’m me for me, not, I’m not like behind a character anymore. I’m like now, like, people are judging me. And they’re not just saying no because they’re like, oh, shit, she can’t handle it because of her weight or whatever. It’s hard, but I have no regrets. I’m just happy I can do whatever I want. Like it’s not stopping me from doing what I want. Maybe something else is. But that’s not.

[00:53:24] CHRIS: I really like that the first thing you brought up was your family, just statistically, this means I might have some more time with the kids. Some people are asking if the background noise we just heard was was some of your kids?

[00:53:36] CALLER: Oh, no. Yes, funny because I gave the look of death to their dad because he, you just see him. Did anybody see that video of that important newscaster guy who was doing like a thing, like a serious interview or whatever, and then all of a sudden a little toddler comes running in, and then the mother comes screeching out, grabs the kids. That pretty much happened just now.

[00:53:58] CHRIS: That’s one of the great disaster videos. And the lady runs in and just like tackles the kid and drags the kid back through the door. And they all have panicked looks on their faces and the guy’s just trying to keep a straight face. I would imagine that a lot of parenting is just that on an endless loop. Someone did make a joke.

[00:54:16] CALLER: That pretty much just happened just now. I gave him the look like, get the child out of here.

[00:54:20] CHRIS: That is one of the great, as far as internet, one of my favorite genres of entertainment is news disaster videos. I love it. The news is such a cut and dried thing. It’s such a stodgy thing. And when things go wrong on the news to me as a comedian, I’m like, I would never be able to write a piece of comedy ever better than that. I would say we’re gonna go with my top three are the one you just mentioned with the kid getting dragged out. I’m going to go ahead and say that my number two is I like turtles. Are you, are you a fan of I love turtles? Do you know this?

[00:54:51] CALLER: No.

[00:54:53] CHRIS: You’re gonna want to look up I love turtles. Number one, by far, though, I’ve mentioned this in interviews as my, the thing that makes me laugh hardest in life. Have you seen the drunk Ewoks with Al Roker?

[00:55:04] CALLER: Yes and I only saw it because of you Chris, because you’ve mentioned it on the podcast once and I looked it up. It’s hilarious.

[00:55:09] CHRIS: I am telling you, I have done it a whole HBO special about how much I love therapy and antidepressants, medication and all that. I would say in tandem with my treatment is when I get truly sad, I watch those Ewoks hump Al Roker’s leg and everything feels just a little bit brighter that day because we live in a world where Al Roker can get his leg humped by an Ewok on live TV! It makes me feel like the world is alive with endless possibilities. Because they can’t control everything, man. They can’t control everything. Someone’s saying you’re a true mom if you give the look of death. I like that. Oh, here’s a very interesting question from Roseanne. Very interesting question. I wonder if you thought about it. What type of body image and self-confidence do you want for your kids?

[00:56:07] CALLER: You know, I worry about that because, like, they’re always watching and I have two girls and a boy, and I just, I just, obviously a very healthy one. And I try whenever they use descriptive words about what they look like, whether it be fat or skinny or whatever, tall, short, small, big, whatever. I try and change it to like, what can you do? So like, look at me, like your legs can do this. Your, you know, your arms can do that, your face can smile or whatever. I try to like just talk about function and how lucky we are that we can do so much. And that’s what I do, like, that’s what I do whenever I feel sorry for myself about not having the body I thought I would. I’m like this droopy body ran a marathon and qualified for the Boston Marathon. [crowd cheers] And it breastfed babies and it’s like, and it like even,it carried 150 pounds of excess weight and never complained. And still my heart still beat. And it still birthed babies. And, and like, loved my partner and, you know, lived. So, like, I try to just practice appreciation and have my kids do the same.

[00:57:36] CHRIS: Yeah. Another interesting question that came in. You had mentioned before that your husband’s maybe naturally attracted to a larger woman. Someone tweets, would you gain the weight back if your husband asked you to?

[00:57:51] CALLER: Oh, god. Never, never, never, never, never, never, never. I would never do anything for a man. And I wouldn’t expect my kids to do anything for their partner either. [crowd cheers]

[00:58:03] CHRIS: I would never do anything for a man gets the most extended applause break. You know our Beautiful Anonymous audience is 70 percent female based on our demographic research. And man, did it just show in this room, especially we should also mention.

[00:58:19] CALLER: But listen, I just want to say, like, to his credit, he would never in a million years ask me to just as he never asked me to lose weight. He was there right beside me. He was taking care of these kids when I was going on long runs, like he was my biggest supporter, even though, you know, I might not be his favorite physical type. He loves me even more because of what he watched me do. [crowd applauds] You know, I would not be with someone who asked me to gain the weight back.

[00:58:51] CHRIS: Yeah, I think that’s beautiful. He’s there with you no matter what. I think that’s great. We should also mention, I think part of why that just got an applause break. We are recording this on the same day that there is an intense amount of drama about the Supreme Court nomination of the states. So I think the idea of you saying I would never do anything for a man was a real home run of a statement today in particular, I think.

[00:59:20] CALLER: Listen, I talked about weight loss. I talked about breastfeeding. I probably shouldn’t talk about politics, even though I’m super opinionated. I won’t do it. I’m not doing it. I’m very liberal.

[00:59:33] CHRIS: That’s right. Bethany wants to know if you listen, do you ever listen to Beautiful Anonymous while you’re running?

[00:59:31] CALLER: Every time. Of course I do. [crowd cheers]

[00:59:38] CHRIS: Hell, yeah.

[00:59:39] CALLER: Actually, actually, Chris, listen. I met you.

[00:59:44] CHRIS: You did?

[00:59:45] CALLER: I’ve been, I was, I was at your Montreal live taping. And I was, I was, I went to Burlington, Vermont and yeah, so I saw you there.

[01:00:01] CHRIS: Yeah. I remember. Because when you were in Burlington…

[01:00:02] CALLER: You signed my book. You said, I didn’t talk about my weight loss, but I said I listen to you while I run and you signed my book saying, sorry, sorry for bothering you during your run. Of course you did, right? And guess what, I lost the book, I’m so upset. I had two chapters left.

[01:00:18] CHRIS: I don’t think there’s one person on earth who has a signature in a book from me that’s just a simple thank you. I think they’re all like I’m so sorry. Some of these stories are okay. Enjoy them if you can. I’m sorry. I think I’m honorary Canadian in that way. [crowd cheers] Constant apology.

[01:00:35] CALLER: That’s why we love you so much here in Canada.

[01:00:38] CHRIS: I remember. Did you come to Burlington? Was it with your mom?

[01:00:42] CALLER: Partner? He was right beside me. He was there.

[01:00:44] CHRIS: Oh your partner, yes, yes, yes. Because I remember you were there with someone else and you said we drove all the way from Montreal. And I was like, I’m going to be in Montreal in like a week. And you’re like, that’s okay. I remember.

[01:00:55} CALLER: No, no, you were in Montreal first at a live taping, and then the next weekend you were in Burlington and I saw you there.

[01:00:57] CHRIS: I was in Montreal first. Well I clearly don’t actually remember any of this. I do remember that though. Look at that. Look at that. Well, it’s nice to talk to you again. Look at that. Someone wants to know where did she catch the unicorn? Is that a phrase for qualifying for the Boston Marathon? Who knew.

[01:01:16] CALLER: It was at Ottawa, Ottawa Marathon. But yeah, I got 3 hours 37 minutes in my marathon. It was my one and only. I didn’t go to Boston, though, because actually it was such a bad cut-off time that I was two minutes past the cut-off time, which is complicated. But I did qualify for Boston. My qualifying time was 3:35, no, 3:40. And I got like 3 minutes less than that. 3:37.

[01:01:48] CHRIS: Wow, that’s bad ass. I don’t know much about the world of running, but I know qualifying for the Boston Marathon is bad ass.

[01:01:56] CALLER: It’s hard. Some people try their whole life to do it.

[01:01:59] CHRIS: I don’t think I’ve done anything equivalent to that.

[01:02:02] CALLER: But Chris, I have to say, though, like you’re doing great on your, what is it, the jujitsu?

[01:02:07] CHRIS: Yeah, the Brazilian jujitsu.

[01:02:10] CALLER: Yeah. And like, you really have also thinned out lately, haven’t you?

[01:02:13] CHRIS: Yeah, I’ve been really obsessed with it. I go three or four times a week. My body is currently covered in bruises. If I undressed on stage, which I will not because why would I? That would be a very weird way to end this experience. I’m covered in bruises. It looks really bad, but man, is it fun. Trying to find a gym. I might try to find a gym and go fight people tomorrow. And it’s a great, I tell you, it’s a great way to deal with having a recently failed TV show is to go and just fight people four times a week. It’s a pretty great way to get the stress out. I like it.

[01:02:47] CALLER: I think everyone should find something physical that they like doing. I feel like it, it feels so good to make your body move.

[01:02:58] CHRIS: I feel like if I keep talking about Brazilian jujitsu enough on this podcast, I will eventually one day wind up wrestling someone who listens to the pod, like I’ll someday be in, because when I go on the road and do shows, I like to drop in at different gyms. And there’s a chance someone will like choke me to near unconsciousness and then right afterwards be like, hey, I really like that episode with the guy who pooped his pants all those times. Like, that’s a thing I could conceivably happen. That is a thing that could happen. It is nice. I’ve also had more people be nice to me on the streets of Toronto about this podcast than any other city. And by that, by more people, I mean two. Two people approached me on the streets today, I like the podcast. That’s more people than usual. Look at that. Oh, now people just telling me where to go do jujitsu. Look at that. Oh, my god, that’s crazy. Mallory says, I’m the one who met you in Burlington with my mom. Hi, Mallory. I knew there was someone from Canada with their mom there. Look at that. Look at that. What else caller? We got about five and a half minutes left. What else do you want to put out there to the world?

[01:04:11] CALLER: I don’t know. People can ask me questions, I don’t know. That, that’s my big thing, and that’s it. Being a mom and my weight loss thing and yeah, like I said, unfortunately, I’m, I’m struggling. I’m just gaining it back and I’m like. Because I felt like I was too, it was my identity all of a sudden. And I was like, everyone’s like, you’re so inspiring. You’re my inspiration. Wow, wow, wow. And I’m like, it just got to be so much. And I was like, okay, all I think about is like my weight loss and I’m more than that, too. I just needed to take a step away. But as a result, I was watching what I ate less. I was exercising less. And so it’s slowly creeping up. And then I’m like dealing with the oh, now I’m not going to be the inspiration. I’m going to be the failure. So it’s like maybe you started feeling some of that, right? Not that I think you’re a failure.

[01:05:09] CHRIS: No it’s really true.

[01:05:12] CALLER: Like with you with your show.

[01:05:12] CHRIS: Well, not even with my show. It’s funny. It was more with Career Suicide. It was more with my HBO special because that was the one that was all about depression. And sometimes people come up to me and say, I found it really inspiring. And I think that’s very nice. But then sometimes people come up to me and they will go, oh, I’ve also dealt with that stuff, too. And they’ll start to get very specific. And I feel so bad. I feel so bad because sometimes I’m like, I have to retreat from this because I can’t just take on everyone’s pain. And it’s nice when people say you’re inspiring, but it’s also, how would I phrase it? It’s also kind of like, it’s like very, very nice and very, very flattering and very, very kind. But it’s also a little bit of a strain that gets, it’s a responsibility. That’s what I’m trying to say. It also becomes a responsibility in a way that is draining. And I’m sure you’re feeling that.

[01:06:05] CALLER: But are you ever afraid that, like, if you slip up and you have an incident or something doesn’t go so well with whatever you struggle with, like your mental health? And I don’t, this doesn’t have to get very personal, but are you ever like, do you feel pressure that like you have to be that, that figure all the time? Like the one who succeeded? And are you afraid to have a slip or something in the public eye now?

[01:06:32] CHRIS: Speaking of the public eye, I am in front of a few hundred people in Toronto discussing. I mean, no one’s ever asked me that. And I’ll tell you, it’s a very astute question. Yeah, yeah, I am. I’m scared that if I ever have another mental break that it’s going to have, it’s going to, it’s going to have a more profound impact on me and that there’s gonna be other people who are maybe a little more affected by it than they would be if I hadn’t put myself out there. And it is a real concern. Now, you said it’s like a very, very macabre thought. But I have, you know, comedians – before I say this, let me preface it by saying that comedians, when they are amongst each other, will make the most fucked up jokes about everything. And I don’t think it’s because we’re insensitive people. I think it’s because you’re constantly testing jokes. And when you’re amongst other comedians, there’s a little bit of permission to just say it, and I did once. Someone once said like, oh, your special is pretty heavy. And they started talking to me about a similar thing. And I was like, yeah, man. I mean, if I ever, I really can’t commit suicide now because it might lead other people to do it. And that’s such a fucked up thing to say. Like now there’s people who were telling me, like, you’re the reason I got treatment. I’m like, well, what happens if I fuck up? What happens then? This got really dark, really fast, Caller.

[01:07:47] CALLER: I’m so sorry. You know what? It’s just everyone who’s listening and there are the people there. And hopefully this will go out and lots of people will hear it. But like, nobody’s perfect. Everyone needs like love and acceptance no matter what.

[01:08:02] CHRIS: One hundred percent. One hundred percent. You got it. I think that’s that, I think that is, at the end of the day, what we all feel. It’s funny, every reaction. There’s people who are so concerned about, did you lose this weight in healthy ways, are you adopting diets, this and that. But I think everybody in the room agrees that you just let people be happy for who they are. Judge people on, you can judge people for choices they make, but not for problems that they have, you know, and not even necessarily problems, circumstances that they were handed. I believe that’s very true. Now, let me ask you this. We have minute left. What did you mean when you said Montreal and Toronto have a love hate relationship?

[01:08:43] CALLER: Oh I don’t know. I love Toronto. I don’t go that much but like it’s just, well, first of all, the two hockey teams, they know that, right? I’m not even a hockey fan and I know.

[01:08:53] CHRIS: Okay. Oh, I’m walking into a minefield.

[01:08:59] CALLER: And it’s just, it’s just, we’re like the two biggest cities in Canada and we’re six hours apart, so.

[01:09:04] CHRIS: Here’s the, can I make a guess, because I’m not, I’ve been to both cities many times, love both cities. Can I get the sense, I feel like if I had to guess from the outsider American’s perspective that both cities feel like the other city thinks they’re better than everybody. [crowd laughs and claps]

[01:09:21] CALLER: Well, yeah, but in the case of Toronto, it’s true. [crowd laughs]

[01:09:26] CHRIS: Look at that, we have 30 seconds left, and you managed to take a pot shot right at the end.

[01:09:32] CALLER: Ah, I’m just fooling around.

[01:09:34] CHRIS: I know. I think everybody in this room already likes you and respects you and isn’t going to take it too personally. And I’m sure they’re all tweeting Montreal digs at me as we speak. We’ve got 10 seconds left Caller, I want to thank you so much for calling. Your final words to the world.

[01:09:51] CALLER: I just want to say, Chris. Keep doing what you’re doing. You are doing great things in this world and thank you. [ring]

[01:10:03] CHRIS: That’s how I feel about you, thank you so much. Thank you so much, Caller. And to our friends here live in Toronto, since we are in Toronto, I want to make sure you guys got the parting words and not some Montrealer giving you a dig. So we will end tonight with the words of Emily, who says Toronto hides its porn theaters and Montreal shows them off. I think that’s a fantastic way to end. You guys, I hope you had a good time. Thank you for coming out. Thank you for supporting the show, goodnight. Caller, I want to thank you for calling. I got to say, you put some stuff out there that I think was really vulnerable and it would’ve been vulnerable one on one. And it was in front of a live crowd. I applaud you for doing it. It was eye opening. Thank you so much for sharing. And thanks to everybody who came out in Toronto. I know that there were a lot of people even night of with the hashtag expressing that it was maybe tough to, you know, people in the midst of their own journey, so to speak, in regards to some of the issues brought up. And it was tough for them to be in there. And I thank you guys for sticking with me, weathering the storm and being a part of it. Expressing your opinions. Thanks to Jared O’Connell, came all the way up to Toronto to hang out and that showed. Thanks to Harry Nelson, who helps organize all the infrastructure of Beautiful Anonymous. Thanks to Justin Linville, who helps organize the infrastructure of my entire life. Thanks to Shellshag for the music. If you want to know about me, go to chrisgeth.com. And if you like Beautiful Anonymous, one thing you can do to help the show, you go to Apple podcasts, rate, review, subscribe. Helps a lot when you do. Thanks so much. And we’ll see you next time.

[NEXT EPISODE PREVIEW]

[01:11:51] CHRIS: Next time on Beautiful Anonymous. How do you reconcile being who you are in a culture that doesn’t want you to be who you are?

[01:12:01] CALLER: The thing is, I’m gay, so there’s a huge conflict there.

[01:12:06] CHRIS: Right.

[01:12:08] CALLER: And growing up in the church, you hear so many people preaching about sexual sin being the sin next to murder. So it’s pretty serious when you screw up and do something you’re not supposed to be doing. And part of that includes being gay.

[01:12:32] CHRIS: That’s next time on Beautiful Anonymous.