EP. 172 — Nicole Just Discovered Smoothies

BF-172-20220911-JDv02-DYN.mp3

Nicole [00:00:11] Hi, Sasheer.

Sasheer [00:00:12] Hi, Nicole. You’re never gonna guess what I did this morning.

Nicole [00:00:17] What? What did you do?

Sasheer [00:00:20] I… your friend…

Nicole [00:00:23] Yes.

Sasheer [00:00:23] Sasheer Zamata…

Nicole [00:00:24] Yes.

Sasheer [00:00:26] Took a swim class.

Nicole [00:00:30] Ohhhhh! Where?! What?! Oh! What time did this happen?!

Sasheer [00:00:44] 10:15.

Nicole [00:00:45] Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Was it a private class? Was it a group class?

Sasheer [00:00:51] A group class at a community pool nearby. And it was from ages 16 to 100.

Nicole [00:00:59] Yes!

Sasheer [00:01:01] But everyone’s, like… Let’s see. I would say I’m probably the youngest. And then there’s, like, people in their forties and then one woman who’s maybe 172.

Nicole [00:01:15] Oh, my God. And you went alone?

Sasheer [00:01:19] I went alone. Yeah.

Nicole [00:01:21] Wow. Wow. I’m so fucking proud of you. Did you learn a breaststroke? Or freestyle? Or a backstroke?

Sasheer [00:01:34] No. So far, we’re just learning to swim.

Nicole [00:01:43] Okay.

Sasheer [00:01:44] We’re not getting into different strokes yet. But my first one was yesterday. It’s, like, Saturdays and Sundays.

Nicole [00:01:51] Okay.

Sasheer [00:01:51] And there’s six classes. It’s very funny–I know how to swim. I knew how to swim this whole time. I just needed time. I just needed confidence and time to do it. There’s a good 20 minutes where I was like, “I don’t know what I’m doing!” And then she was like, “Do this.” And I was like, “Oh, I know what I’m doing. I can definitely swim back and forth on my own.”

Nicole [00:02:19] How funny. I love that you took a class to learn how to swim and then you discover you can swim.

Sasheer [00:02:27] I can swim. I do feel like I can’t float. And I think that’s what was freaking me out before because–

Nicole [00:02:33] Oh.

Sasheer [00:02:35] I can’t just, like, be in the water and exist. I have to move. Or else I sink. I sink to the bottom. So, I think I was like, “I don’t know how to swim!” But if I swim, I can be on the top. If I just am stationary? Uh-uh.

Nicole [00:02:53] Can you float on your back?

Sasheer [00:02:55] No, I cannot.

Nicole [00:02:57] Oh. Can you tread water?

Sasheer [00:03:01] I… It’s very hard for me to tread water.

Nicole [00:03:03] Oh.

Sasheer [00:03:05] You and I tried to tread at Barton Springs and–boy, oh boy–was I dying.

Nicole [00:03:10] You in your shower cap, trying to tread water? A very good memory of mine. So, wait. What happens when you try to float?

Sasheer [00:03:23] My lower half just takes me down.

Nicole [00:03:28] Oh. Hmm.

Sasheer [00:03:31] And I looked it up–and I tried to save the website–but it was just, like, talking about how some people just genuinely don’t float.

Nicole [00:03:37] Interesting.

Sasheer [00:03:39] And I think I might be one of those people.

Nicole [00:03:42] I just– I– For me? I think you can.

Sasheer [00:03:47] I don’t think I can. I have never been able to.

Nicole [00:03:49] I really think you can. So, with your teacher–did your teacher try to help you with it?

Sasheer [00:03:54] Yes. She did. And I was explaining–I was like, “I feel like my body just wants to sink.” And she’s like, “Yeah…” And that was kind of it! She was like, “Yeah.” And then, like, she was helping me, and she was lifting my back and she was like, “Lift your hips more.” And I would. And then they would immediately start going down, and she’s like, “Yeah, sometimes that happens.” And she’s like, “But if you move, it’ll be fine.” And I was like, “Yes. But my problem is floating.” And she’s like, “Sure. But just swim.” And I was like, “All right, I guess I’ll just do laps.”

Nicole [00:04:24] I just– Okay. Because yeah–like, I’ll sink too. But I just, like… Yeah, I just push my butt out and, like, lift my feet a little bit.

Sasheer [00:04:37] Jordan, will you look up if there’s people who cannot float? ‘Cause I really feel like it’s just me.

Jordan [00:04:47] One of my best friends–he was actually, like, on the swim team, like on the varsity team in high school. He can’t float either, but I’m going to do some more research.

Nicole [00:04:55] Wait, that is so wild to me.

Jordan [00:04:59] And I said the same thing. I was like, “You have to float.” And he was like, “No, I will show you. I was on the swim team. I cannot float.”

Sasheer [00:05:07] Yeah.

Nicole [00:05:07] Wild. I just feel like everyone could float.

Sasheer [00:05:14] I don’t think so.

Nicole [00:05:17] And I want everyone to float. It’s nice. It’s, like, really nice to just, like, be on your back and, like, head up to the sun and just being like– Okay. “Generally speaking, people that are muscular, lean, or thin will tend to sink. And those that have a wider surface area…”

Sasheer [00:05:43] Oh boy. Oh boy.

Nicole [00:05:43] “Or a larger body fat percentage will usually remain afloat for longer.” So, I float because I’m fat. You know, that’s not what I thought I was going to hear as to how I float.

Jordan [00:05:56] I’m going to do more research.

Nicole [00:06:02] They’re like, “You’re basically an inflatable raft. That’s why you float.”.

Sasheer [00:06:10] You’re a buoy.

Nicole [00:06:11] “You’re a buoy. Everyone, jump aboard. The raft is leaving the pool.” That is very interesting to me.

Sasheer [00:06:22] Yeah. I’m too lean.

Nicole [00:06:26] Too lean; too muscular. So, I wonder if the rock can float. If anyone is close to the rock and has access to him, I’d love to know if he could float.

Sasheer [00:06:38] Just based on the name, I think he would sink.

Nicole [00:06:44] Ooh–that got me good. I am really proud of you.

Sasheer [00:06:49] Thank you. Yeah, I was nervous. Honestly? I signed up right after I saw Mike Birbiglia’s show, Old Man in the Pool. He did a run here in L.A., and he’s talking about his health in general and then swimming. And I’d already been thinking about taking swimming classes because literally everybody in my life wants me to swim.

Nicole [00:07:13] It’s all I want. And you don’t even have hair to get wet now, so I just want you to get in it.

Sasheer [00:07:18] I know. I have no excuse. And I had looked at this pool that was nearby that had classes, but they were, like, under construction. And then I saw that show and I was like, “I should just sign up.” And I looked at the website and they had classes open. So, I signed up right then and there, and it’s only, like, six classes. They’re very short. I was like, “I can do this.” And then I went, and… I’m not so scared.

Nicole [00:07:43] Did you have fun?

Sasheer [00:07:45] I had fun. I’m excited. I’m looking forward to the next one.

Nicole [00:07:48] Really?

Sasheer [00:07:50] Yeah.

Nicole [00:07:51] Oh, my God. Okay. As a graduation gift, we got to get on a yacht, and we got to jump off the yacht.

Sasheer [00:07:58] Oh, my goodness. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hold up. Hold your horses.

Nicole [00:08:07] I have two very visceral memories of swim classes, and then, like, maybe just a swim club I went to. But in the class–I was, like, a very small child–and we were wearing… Maybe we weren’t wearing floaties? I don’t remember that. But I remember looking in the water, being like, “I got to get in this. Why are just my feet in the water? Bitch, let me in.” And the instructor was doing something with another kid, and I was like, “Fuck that kid.” And then I, like, leaned over and was splashing in the water, and then I toppled in. And then I remember looking up, being like, “I’ll never get out of this. I don’t think I’m okay. Oh, no.” And then she snatched me out of the water, and she was like, “Don’t do that. Don’t lean over like that.” And I said, “Okay.” And I did it again. And that’s, like, my first memory of water–of being like, “I think I’m going to be down here for a very long time.”.

Sasheer [00:09:03] Oh no!

Nicole [00:09:03] And then my second memory is jumping off the highest diving board in my favorite bathing suit from Bradley’s, which was the store on the East Coast that I love. I believe the brand was No Boundaries. And it was black. It had two white stripes going up either side of, like, the titty side and then a zipper–a big chunky zipper in the middle. And it was too small, and I refused to get a bigger one. And I jumped right off that diving board. And the impact from hitting the water split that zipper wide open. And then I was freaking out in the water because I was like, “My boobs are out!” And I did get it re-zipped. And yeah, that’s, like, two very, very loud memories in my brain.

Sasheer [00:09:53] Yeah. I have a memory where I was in a pool and I felt like I was pushed down too far. And then I do feel like someone, like, put their hands under my arms and lifted me up to where the ladder was. And I looked around, and there was no one there.

Nicole [00:10:13] A ghost saved you?

Sasheer [00:10:17] Or an angel.

Nicole [00:10:17] Oh, my God. An angel saved you?

Sasheer [00:10:23] I was touched by an angel.

Nicole [00:10:24] I love it. “When you walk down the road. Heavy burden–” That song–the theme song to Touched by an Angel–stays in my head. I’ll be doing any old thing, and I’ll just be like, “When you walk–” And I don’t know why.

Sasheer [00:10:48] It’s a good song. It’s very soulful.

Nicole [00:10:51] Very. Della Reese, I believe, sang it. And she was one of the angels on the show with Roma. Downey.

Sasheer [00:10:58] Wow. Wow. The more you know.

Nicole [00:11:02] Isn’t it wild–the things that are in my head? I recently– I told you the other day, but I finally figured out what I think the inside of my head is like. And I think it’s exactly like the It’s a Small World ride at Disney where it’s like things are covered in glitter. There’s weird little baby dolls shaking their butts. There’s, like, palm trees that were cut out of construction paper. Oh, I could have ridden that ride forever. I felt at home in a way that I cannot describe to you. It was, like, very calming. I was like, “Mm.”

Sasheer [00:11:45] I gotta see this ride now.

Nicole [00:11:46] Yeah. We gotta go to Disneyland. Apparently, I’m a Disney person. I promised Tess–she wants to take me to some park. I can’t remember. I don’t know. But she was like, “So you’ll go to the amusement park now?” And I was like, “I guess they’re not as bad as I thought they were. I’ll go. I’ll go anywhere.”

Sasheer [00:12:04] Oh, fun!

Nicole [00:12:05] Yeah. Yeah.

Sasheer [00:12:07] Yeah. They can be fun.

Nicole [00:12:08] But not right now. It’s a lot of walking.

Sasheer [00:12:12] It is a lot of walking.

Nicole [00:12:13] Sasheer, too much walking. And… I don’t know why they haven’t thought of a way to make it so you don’t have to walk so much.

Sasheer [00:12:25] It is surprising that they don’t have moving walkways everywhere.

Nicole [00:12:27] Right?

Sasheer [00:12:28] Be an airport.

Nicole [00:12:29] Yeah. Be an airport.

Sasheer [00:12:32] Just be an airport.

Nicole [00:12:34] Oh, my God, Sasheer. I was just at the freaking airport. Oh, my God. First of all… United?

Sasheer [00:12:43] Uh oh.

Nicole [00:12:44] Yuck!

Sasheer [00:12:45] Oh boy.

Nicole [00:12:45] I had to fly United on my initial leg and… Disgusting. Nasty. No TVs. I’ll never understand planes. American Airlines is the same way. No TVs. You expect me to use my own fucking device? You expect me to remember to pack wireless fucking headphones so I can charge my phone as I’m wasting the battery because you don’t have a TV?

Sasheer [00:13:13] Rude.

Nicole [00:13:15] Rude! Flew back on Delta. Thank God. Diamond Divas. I spent time in the lounge. I had a great time.

Sasheer [00:13:21] Thank God.

Nicole [00:13:22] But!

Sasheer [00:13:24] Uh oh.

Nicole [00:13:24] Sasheer.

Sasheer [00:13:24] Oh no.

Nicole [00:13:25] I had to pay for a Ketel One and Club Soda because now it’s a premium spirit. You have to pay for premium spirits. And then I said, “All right. Well, I paid for one.” Tipped them because I didn’t have any cash. So, I was like, “I’ll tip them by paying for this.” And then I was like,” Oh, can I have another? But also, I want just the normal vodka–the free one.” They were out of it. So, if you were out of the free one, why didn’t you get me the premium one for free?

Sasheer [00:13:55] Interesting. Interesting.

Nicole [00:13:57] I was so mad. And then I had to show my credit card–my Delta Card–to get in. I said, “I’m a Diamond Diva, so why am I showing you a card?” And then she said, “Well, did you go online and pick your perks?” And I was like, “You know I didn’t, ma’am.

Sasheer [00:14:14] I feel like they’re changing the rules all the time.

Nicole [00:14:17] Yes! They’re trying to keep people out, and you know what? You will not keep Nicole Byer out of the Delta Lounge. You cannot. You will not.

Sasheer [00:14:32] “As I live and breathe.”.

Nicole [00:14:31] You will not keep me out of the Delta Lounge, nooo! I had a time at the airport. Okay. So, Delta Lounge? I had my problem with the cocktails. The food? Terrible. Everything was very bad. They had macaroni and cheese. Please. That was not macaroni and cheese. It was nasty. And they put vegetables in it. I said, “Who is this for?” No. And then the lady next to me–she had a backpack. I loved it. I said, “Ma’am, where’s that backpack from?” She said, “Walmart.” So, I went on the website, and I found it at Walmart.com, but they won’t ship it to me. They said, “No, we cannot ship it to you.” So, then I had my assistant go on the hunt for it. She has not found it yet. And then I found a child with a purple leopard print backpack, and I walked very fast up to that child. I’m sure– It looked like I was trying to steal the child. I was like, “Excuse me! Where’s your backpack from?” And the mother went, “Excuse me?” And I said, “I’m sorry. Where’s your child’s backpack from?” She was like, “Walmart.” Or no, not Walmart. “Target.” And I said, “Thank you. Okay, goodbye.” And then I found it on Target. And then I sent my assistant to go get that. Gotta say: I do have her do strange things. And I’ll explain to her why I have her– I was like, “I chased the child. I want this backpack.”

Sasheer [00:15:48] And she just has to be like, “Okay.”

Nicole [00:15:51] “Okay.” Oh, my God. Okay. So, someone was in my house, and I thought I was texting them to get me water from the kitchen. Did I tell you about this?

Sasheer [00:16:04] No.

Nicole [00:16:05] And I texted, “Can I have water from the kitchen?” And then the response was: “In your house?” And I was like, “Yeah.” And then I texted again–I was like, “Uh, can I have water?” And they said, “Oh, yeah, sorry. Okay.” And then they brought me the water. And then I see in the doorway my assistant Lyndsey with a glass of water. And I was like, “What happened?” And she said, “You texted me to bring you a glass of water from your kitchen.” And I was like, “No. Oh, no.”

Sasheer [00:16:35] Wait. Was Lyndsey already in your house?

Nicole [00:16:37] No. She left her home. She parked her door. She came into the house. She poured water out of the faucet and brought it to me because I asked for it, but I was asking the person in my house.

Sasheer [00:16:55] Wow. Oh boy.

Nicole [00:16:55] And I was deeply embarrassed. I said, “I am so sorry.” But that’s when I knew. She’s a keeper. I mean, I knew she was before that, but I was so embarrassed. She also had to drop something else off. So, she was like, “Oh, I didn’t mind. I had to drop off that thing you needed for something.” Like a parking pass or whatever. But I was like, “Lyndsey, I am so embarrassed. Next time, please call me because I don’t ever want you to leave your home to bring me a glass of water.”

Sasheer [00:17:21] But you know what? There probably are people like that. You know?

Nicole [00:17:25] You think?

Sasheer [00:17:27] I’m sure people ask their assistants–be like, “Can you get this?” And, like, they’ll just come and do that because that’s what their job is.

Nicole [00:17:35] Oh, my God. I was so deeply embarrassed. And now when I ask her to do things, I’m like, “Do you mind doing this? I’m so sorry.” Because, like, I just think about it a lot.

Sasheer [00:17:47] Aww.

Nicole [00:17:47] I couldn’t believe I did that.

Sasheer [00:17:51] “From your house?”

Nicole [00:17:53] She was like, “Let me clarify. You want a glass of water from your house?” And she could have been like, “That you’re in?” I’m like, “Yeah…”

Sasheer [00:18:05] “The one you’re currently in? The kitchen that you’re near?”

Nicole [00:18:10] “The kitchen that you’re basically in! Like, you’re six steps away from it!” Boy, oh, boy. And I was truly bewildered. I was like, “Why is she holding a cup of water?” I was like, “Oh, she helped herself for some water, and she’s giving me something.” And then she handed it to me, and I was like, “Whaaat?” Oh, goodness gracious.

Sasheer [00:18:31] She’s helping me out, too.

Nicole [00:18:33] She is?

Sasheer [00:18:34] Yeah. ‘Cause I was asking her stuff about Amy’s prep, and I was like, “Hey, where do I go for anything?” And she’s like, “Here’s your itinerary.” I was like, “Oh, my God. Thank you.” And she’s like, “Did Nicole tell you about this party that you’re going to do?” And I was like, “She sure didn’t. Thank you for letting me know.”

Nicole [00:18:56] Hell yeah, man! I’ll keep you in the dark forever! I’m sorry. I can’t believe that I didn’t tell you anything. I told production for Grand Crew–I was like, “I’m so sorry. God bless. If you need me to do anything or want me to do a single thing, you have to tell Lyndsey. Because Lyndsey will just text me until it gets done. God bless. Also, she knows that if I have something before noon, she has to call me to wake me up. So, I asked her–I was like, “I’m bad at waking up in the mornings. I hate mornings. Will you call me an hour before I’m supposed to be somewhere? Because I can get ready–easy breezy–if I wake up an hour before. And then the two weeks where I was working, like, night shoots into day shoots, I got in the habit of waking up and then being like, “Five more minutes,” and going right back to sleep and then not being on time. So, now she knows if it’s early enough–she calls me to wake me up, I wake up, and then she calls 30 minutes later to be like, “Have you fallen back asleep?”.

Sasheer [00:20:07] Wow.

Nicole [00:20:09] I’ll tell you, I was in San Francisco the other day doing a job, and I had to be awake at 7:15 to be in the lobby at 8:25. She called me at 7:15 and I said, “Mm.” And I stood up out of the bed, and then I said, “Better sit down again.” And then I don’t remember laying back down–and fell right back asleep.

Sasheer [00:20:30] Wow.

Nicole [00:20:31] Got another call half hour later–she’s like, “Hey, did you fall back asleep?” And I said, “You know it.” I was like, “Tell them I’ll be 15 minutes late.”

Sasheer [00:20:39] Thank goodness.

Nicole [00:20:41] Yeah. And I know talking about it, it seems like I’m an infant or like dumb or child.

Sasheer [00:20:49] No. No, no, no, no. No.

Nicole [00:20:50] But, like, I am so busy that, like… I just need sleep sometimes.

Sasheer [00:20:56] Yeah.

Nicole [00:20:56] I can’t believe I did all this by myself for so long.

Sasheer [00:20:59] I can’t either. Yeah.

Nicole [00:21:02] It’s wild.

Sasheer [00:21:04] Thank goodness.

Nicole [00:21:05] It’s crazy. Now? I don’t answer a single email. It’s lovely. I don’t. I don’t. Lyndsey does it. It’s great. And then sometimes people be like, “We need this answer.” And I forward it to Lyndsey. And then she reads it, and then she goes, “They need an answer.”

Sasheer [00:21:24] Yeah. An answer from you. You’re like, “Lyndsey, what do you think?”

Nicole [00:21:28] “Lyndsey, what’s going on?”

Sasheer [00:21:30] “You tell me.”

Nicole [00:21:31] I love her so much. Also, she, like… So, I asked her to do research for Why Won’t You Date Me? guests. I just asked for, like, a one-pager in case I get stuck and I’m like, “Oh, I don’t know what question I want to do. Let me have something to refer to.” She sends me like three or four pages. And one time I asked a question–they went, “How do you know that?” And I was like, “My assistant did research.” And they were like, “Wow. She deep dived. She’s great. I fucking love her.

Sasheer [00:21:58] Aww. Yeah, I’m so glad.

Nicole [00:22:00] Scripts? Don’t read scripts. You know I don’t read scripts. Famously don’t read a script. Famously agreed to do things I have no idea what’s going on. But I’ll read it, like, afterwards. After–you know–after the time I’m supposed to have read it. But she’ll give me a synopsis. So, then I go, “Oh my God. That’s what this is about.” And then I can read it because I already know what’s going on and it makes it so much easier.

Sasheer [00:22:22] I’m sure.

Nicole [00:22:22] I’ll tell ya, I’m thriving in this year, 2020 of our Lord– Nope! 2022 of our Lord. Oh no.

Sasheer [00:22:32] Maybe not thriving.

Nicole [00:22:37] I cannot believe I just said “2020.” It hasn’t been 2020 in a minute.

Sasheer [00:22:41] Two years past.

Nicole [00:22:44] Oh, God. Time is flying, Sasheer.

Sasheer [00:22:47] I know.

Nicole [00:22:48] I know.

Sasheer [00:22:59] Should we take a quiz?

Nicole [00:23:00] Yeah. Hell, yeah.

Sasheer [00:23:01] Yeah.

Nicole [00:23:02] I saw a meme, and I meant to send it to you, but I fell asleep. But it was just, like, this lady being like, “It’s over for you hoes when I finally put on my matching pajama set.” And I was like, “There is someone else out there who thinks a mark of maturity is wearing a matching pajama set.” Oh man, I wish I had saved it.

Sasheer [00:23:32] Oh, since it’s, like, October and spooky time, should we do:

Sasheer & Nicole [00:23:34] Are You a Girl, a Ghoul, or God?

Nicole [00:23:38] Yes! I love it.

Sasheer [00:23:44] “All that stands in the way of you figuring out if you’re a girl, ghoul, or God. Are these simple questions.”

Nicole [00:23:49] Yes. Okay. “What is your dream home style?”

Sasheer [00:23:57] “Modern.”

Nicole [00:23:59] “Rustic.”

Sasheer [00:24:01] “Minimalist.”

Nicole [00:24:03] “Colorful.” Well, minimalist is so upsetting to me. When people have a white room with, like, a chair, I’m like, “Eww.” Um, I’m going to go colorful.

Sasheer [00:24:19] Yeah, yours is definitely colorful. Mine’s rustic? Hm, rustic is like a barn.

Nicole [00:24:25] Yeah, I mean, it’s not. So, you’re–I would say–boho?

Sasheer [00:24:31] Yeah.

Nicole [00:24:33] But that’s not here. So, I guess rustic is the next best.

Sasheer [00:24:37] Yeah.

Nicole [00:24:38] Because you’re certainly not modern, you old timey bitch.

Sasheer [00:24:46] I am an old timey bitch.

Nicole [00:24:49] And you’re not minimalist; you’ve got a thousand chairs.

Sasheer [00:24:52] Yes, I have more chairs than I need. So, that’s true. I guess rustic.

Nicole [00:24:56] I love that you love chairs. It’s one of my favorite things about you.

Sasheer [00:25:02] Yeah. I like to sit.

Nicole [00:25:04] Yeah.

Sasheer [00:25:05] Yeah. I love me a chair.

Nicole [00:25:09] Gotta take a load off. Mmmm.

Sasheer [00:25:14] “What’s your go to Friday night meal?”

Nicole [00:25:17] “A salad?” Uch.

Sasheer [00:25:28] “Burrito.”.

Nicole [00:25:29] “Pizza.”.

Sasheer [00:25:30] “Shrimp.”

Nicole [00:25:32] I mean, I once ate pizza for a month straight, so obviously pizza.

Sasheer [00:25:37] I’m also going to say pizza. I love a burrito, but that’s more, like, morning time, lunch time. Friday night at the end of the week, I’m trying to get into that pizza.

Nicole [00:25:47] Me too. I’m trying to toot my way to heaven. I took Lactaid the other day. Oh, my God–who was I with? Oh, I can’t remember who I was with. They gave me a Lactaid. And–boy, oh boy–did it change my dang life.

Sasheer [00:26:05] Oh! Did you eat it before or after the meal?

Nicole [00:26:11] Before the meal.

Sasheer [00:26:12] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Nicole [00:26:13] And I didn’t toot anywhere; I stayed right on the ground.

Sasheer [00:26:16] Oh, my goodness.

Nicole [00:26:17] No, toots.

Sasheer [00:26:19] No toots?

Nicole [00:26:20] No toots. It was really nice. I think I need to get some and just really embrace that I am not tolerant of lactose.

Sasheer [00:26:28] Yeah.

Nicole [00:26:29] Also, Sasheer, I had fish the other day that I liked.

Sasheer [00:26:33] What fish?

Nicole [00:26:34] It was called a branzino.

Sasheer [00:26:37] Oooh. I’ve seen it on the menu a bunch, and I think I’ve tried it, and I don’t think I like it. But I’m glad you like it.

Nicole [00:26:42] I think you might like it from this place. Mother Wolf.

Sasheer [00:26:46] Oh. Not to be confused with Mama Shelter?

Nicole [00:26:50] No. Not Mama Shelter. Mother Wolf.

Sasheer [00:26:52] Mother Wolf?

Nicole [00:26:53] And then there is this other place I need to take you to called Ka’teen. They serve you a quesadilla, and it’s open, and then you have to fold it. I was livid. I said, “I have to finish the cooking?” But then I ate it; it was the most delicious quesadilla I’ve ever had in my whole dang life.

Sasheer [00:27:09] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Nicole [00:27:11] Okay. “What’s your work desk setup?”

Sasheer [00:27:14] There’s one laptop flat on the table, and it’s, like, a dimly lit office space with, like, a plant.

Nicole [00:27:25] Okay. This one has two monitors. Don’t know why you’d need it. There’s a teeny, little plant, there’s a water bottle, and there’s a mouse. I don’t have a mouse.

Sasheer [00:27:38] That looked like an editor’s desktop. There’s one that’s got a big sign that says, “Get shit done!” and then, like a little globe light fixture, another light fixture that’s like one of those Pixar lamps, and then a plant, and a clock, and a camera.

Nicole [00:27:58] Speaking of Pixar, did you ever think about how that lamp smashes the “I?”

Sasheer [00:28:04] Did I ever think about it? Like how?

Nicole [00:28:08] Have you ever thought about how that lamp murders a letter? And we all smile about it?

Sasheer [00:28:13] Oh.

Nicole [00:28:15] Murder. Smushes it out of existence.

Sasheer [00:28:19] I guess I never thought about that.

Nicole [00:28:21] And then they go, “Tee-hee-hee–here’s a children’s movie.”

Sasheer [00:28:29] And we’re positive that the “I” was animate?

Nicole [00:28:33] I don’t know. If that lamp can hop around, those letters–they were hitting their mark and they were just trying to, you know, film for the opening–what they were hired to do. And then a lamp– Imagine! Imagine you hit your mark and you’re waiting to have your picture taken or like them to go action–and then a big lamp comes and stomps you out.

Sasheer [00:28:58] They’re just day players. They just came in to do their little thing for the opening and leave. And then this lamp comes out of its trailer.

Nicole [00:29:09] Kills you.

Sasheer [00:29:10] Stomp, stomp, stomping.

Nicole [00:29:12] Imagine all those little lowercase “i’s” at home waiting for Daddy to come back.

Sasheer [00:29:16] Oh, no! Oh, no.

Nicole [00:29:21] And he never comes back. And then they have to deliver the news. “A lamp murdered your big ‘I’ dad.”.

Sasheer [00:29:30] And a cursive “I”–the mom–she’s crying.

Nicole [00:29:42] Okay, this last desk is a desk with a bunch of papers on it.

Sasheer [00:29:46] It’s very messy.

Nicole [00:29:49] That one’s mine. I’m looking at my desk right now, and I’m like, “Boy. Lots of bottles. Lots of papers.” Yeah.

Sasheer [00:30:00] I guess mine would be… Maybe the “Get Shit Done?” I’m surrounded by lamps right now, and I love putting motivational stickers around me to ignore them.

Nicole [00:30:16] That’s really funny.

Sasheer [00:30:19] It’s like, “We’re gonna get to work today!” And there’s a calendar next to me that’s like, “Write your plan for today!” It’s empty.

Nicole [00:30:30] I have this notebook next to me that I’m like, “When ideas come, I’m gonna write them down.” And then I’ve drawn a face, a wave, and a heart in the last couple of days. That’s about it. Okay. “What’s your coffee order?”.

Sasheer [00:30:51] “Black.”

Nicole [00:30:53] “Just cream.”

Sasheer [00:30:54] “Cream and sugar.”

Nicole [00:30:56] “I don’t like coffee.”

Sasheer [00:30:59] I’m the “I don’t like coffee.”

Nicole [00:31:00] You don’t like coffee. But you do like tea.

Sasheer [00:31:03] This is true. I’ll drink tea.

Nicole [00:31:05] And I stole some tea for you.

Sasheer [00:31:08] For me?

Nicole [00:31:09] Yeah, the next time you come to my house, I’m going to have three options for you.

Sasheer [00:31:13] Oh, my goodness.

Nicole [00:31:14] That I stole from a voiceover session. I said, “Excuse me. Can I have these?” They were like, “Sure.”

Sasheer [00:31:22] It’s like, “We don’t pay you enough?”

Nicole [00:31:25] It is funny. I walk around this earth like no one ever gives me a penny. I take things from people; I’m like, “Can I have this pen? Can I have this notebook? Can I have this mug?” I drink my coffee black. Have you ever drank coffee?

Sasheer [00:31:45] I worked at Starbucks, believe it or not, for a few months.

Nicole [00:31:48] Oh, I did know that. Okay.

Sasheer [00:31:49] You knew this. And you had to taste the coffee to know how to describe it to the customers. And I would taste something–and you had to write it down for your manager–and I’d be like, “Well, this tastes like dirt. And this tastes like burnt dirt. This tastes like dirt on fire.” And they’re like, “You should be a tea master.” And I was like, “Great. I’ll do that.”

Nicole [00:32:13] A tea master? That’s pretty funny. “This tastes like dirt. Dirt on fire. Burnt dirt.” To be fair, Starbucks’ coffee to me tastes burnt. I don’t think it’s good, but I’ll drink it because “Why not?”

Sasheer [00:32:29] I still served coffee, even though I didn’t know what it tastes like. And maybe I was the reason it was tasting like burnt dirt. I’m like, “I think this is right. I don’t know.”

Nicole [00:32:38] “I think. I don’t know.” I couldn’t work at Starbucks. People have such specific orders.

Sasheer [00:32:42] Very. Extremely. They’ll, like, tell you the degree of, like, heat they want on it.

Nicole [00:32:50] Which is insane! How do you figure that the fuck out?

Sasheer [00:32:53] I don’t know. I guess maybe they’re like, “I have a long drive, so I need it to be super hot. So, by the time I get there, it’s still hot.”

Nicole [00:33:02] Yeah, but how do you figure out the degree? Did a barista accidentally be like, “Yeah, it says 80 degrees.” And then you’re like, “Yes, that’s what I want at all times.” Also, how do you tell? You fucking put a thermometer in there?

Jordan [00:33:15] That’s exactly what you do.

Nicole [00:33:16] Oh.

Jordan [00:33:18] No, you’re correct. There’s a thermometer that we put in. There’s also certain buttons on the machine–you can do most times. (Because I also worked at Starbucks for years.) I just hit “Extra, Extra Hot.” Because if you go past a certain temperature, you then curdle the milk. So, you can’t go past it. So, you have so many people who would be like, “I want this extra hot.” And I’d be like, “Well, you’re going to get it like this, or else it’s going to have chunks in it, buddy.”

Nicole [00:33:47] Eww. I remember one of the first times I went to Starbucks, I got, like, a caramel Frappuccino and I sucked it right up and I said, “This is coffee? Oh, my God! I love it so much. I love coffee!” And then I had, like, a strawberry fucking smoothie or– I don’t know. Do you know what that’s called, Jordan? Or maybe it’s just a strawberry Frappuccino.

Jordan [00:34:10] There’s a Strawberries and Cream Frappuccino. But years ago, there used to be a strawberry smoothie.

Nicole [00:34:17] Oh. Maybe it was a strawberry smoothie or a strawberries and cream Frappuccino. And then I was like, “I love coffee!” But there’s no coffee in that one, right?

Jordan [00:34:24] Not in that one. The caramel one that you’re getting–it does have an espresso… Well, I forget what it’s called. But there is coffee in the caramel, the mocha one. There’s a vanilla one. But anything that’s, like, strawberry or fruit? No.

Sasheer [00:34:47] You’re like, “I love coffee.”

Nicole [00:34:49] “I love coffee! Yum!”.

Jordan [00:34:52] You just like the sugar high.

Nicole [00:34:54] I think so. But guess what I just discovered you guys.

Sasheer [00:34:58] What’s that?

Nicole [00:34:59] Smoothies. So–

Sasheer [00:34:59] Like–?

Nicole [00:35:06] Yeah, you can ask a question.

Sasheer [00:35:06] No, no, go ahead.

Nicole [00:35:08] Smoothies. Okay. Smoothies are delicious. I didn’t know. So, the only smoothie I have ever really had in my life was one from Jamba Juice–and I thought it was trash. Two: I used to get a smoothie from Smoothie King, but it was just a chocolate milkshake. So, I wasn’t really doing a smoothie. And it was specifically the one in Penn Station. That Smoothie King–I hope it’s still, you know, thriving. It was delicious. And the dude who would make my smoothie–or milkshake–he would just be like, “Do you want extra chocolate in it?” And I’d be like, “Yes, Queen! Yes!” And I’d get it, and he loved me. So, I was like, “I’m not, like, a real smoothie person.” But then I had a voiceover in Burbank, and I was like, “I’m hungry.” And then I was like, “What is this smoothie place?” It’s called Whata Peach. And I pulled over, I parked my car right in front, I stormed right up, and I said, “What’s your favorite one?” And the man said, “People really like the peanut butter banana one.” I said, “Give me that–and avocado toast. I’ll have it,” and then got in my car, punctured the top because you have to puncture the top. There’s no hole for you to follow. So, I punctured the top, took a sip, and I said, “I love smoothies.”.

Sasheer [00:36:20] Wow.

Nicole [00:36:21] It was thick.

Sasheer [00:36:22] Oh.

Nicole [00:36:22] It was yummy.

Sasheer [00:36:23] Oh.

Nicole [00:36:24] It was good.

Sasheer [00:36:25] Oh.

Nicole [00:36:25] It was sweet.

Sasheer [00:36:27] Ooh.

Nicole [00:36:27] There was dates in there. So, at the end, there was, like, some chunks of date. And I spooned it up with my big straw, and it was so good. So then yesterday–or two days ago–I don’t remember which day, I said, “I’ll have some smoothies delivered to my house because I love smoothies.” These ones were not good. These ones were thin, dribbly, nasty smoothies.

Sasheer [00:36:50] Oh!

Nicole [00:36:51] I couldn’t believe it.

Sasheer [00:36:52] Oh my gosh.

Nicole [00:36:52] So now, I just have to keep going back to Whata Peach. I’ve ordered it three times to my home. They’re not as thick because I think on the drive, they get thin. But I don’t want to leave my house. I love a smoothie. Anyway…

Jordan [00:37:05] Have you ever thought of making them at home?

Nicole [00:37:08] What the fuck, bitch? What? Well, I guess– Okay. So, I have made smoothies at home, but growing up, I would put ice cream in them. So, that’s a milkshake. And then I did a disgusting thing when I was little–I used to put ice cream, strawberries, and then a ton of sugar in the blender.

Sasheer [00:37:28] Oooh.

Nicole [00:37:29] Were they tasty. Very sweet.

Sasheer [00:37:33] Very.

Nicole [00:37:37] Oh. When I first moved to L.A., John Milhiser would make smoothies, and I didn’t like his. They were nasty–too many blueberries. So, then I discovered he put strawberries, almond milk, half a thing of peanut butter, and then sugar free vanilla syrup. That’s a yummy smoothie. Again, pretty milkshaky–and not healthy. But yeah, I’ve discovered you could buy a good smoothie.

Sasheer [00:38:06] Okay!

Nicole [00:38:07] Anyway–

Sasheer [00:38:07] Yeah. I don’t think you can be trusted to make your own smoothie, because you will just make a milkshake.

Nicole [00:38:12] No. I love milkshakes. Okay, listen. “It’s raining outside, and you have to get to your car. What do you do?”

Sasheer [00:38:20] Oh, yeah. The quiz. Uh… “You had already checked the weather and brought an umbrella with you.”

Nicole [00:38:29] “You just run for it.”

Sasheer [00:38:30] “The rain already ruined your day. So, how could getting wet make it any worse?”

Nicole [00:38:36] “You will not let rain ruin your day or on your parade. You manifest it to stop.”

Sasheer [00:38:42] Here’s the thing–I can’t remember what this quiz was.

Nicole [00:38:45] Sure can’t!

Sasheer [00:38:47] I don’t understand what this question is related to.

Nicole [00:38:52] I don’t know either.

Sasheer [00:38:54] They’re just asking what we would do if it rains. And I have to get to my car. Okay.

Nicole [00:38:59] Yeah.

Jordan [00:39:00] Remember, the quiz is Are You a Girl, a Girl, or a God?

Sasheer [00:39:05] Oh, my gosh. Wow. I really could not have guessed that.

Nicole [00:39:08] I forgot.

Sasheer [00:39:11] Okay. I probably already had an umbrella with me because I probably did check that.

Nicole [00:39:22] So, okay–I would try to manifest for it to stop. But I would just run for it.

Sasheer [00:39:28] Okay. “Your boss calls you into their office. How do you react?”

Nicole [00:39:32] “You manifest a promotion out of the meeting.”

Sasheer [00:39:35] “You bake cookies for your boss and bring them into their office for the meeting.”

Nicole [00:39:41] Uh, okay. You gotta scroll down, Jordan.

Sasheer [00:39:44] Uh oh, she may have frozen.

Nicole [00:39:46] Oh no.

Sasheer [00:39:47] Come back.

Nicole [00:39:47] Okay. “You quit that day. No questions asked.”

Sasheer [00:39:53] “You show up to the meeting and blame the receptionist for any problems your boss has with you.”

Nicole [00:39:59] That’s pretty funny. I would manifest a promotion out of the meeting. I love to manifest. What would you do, Sasheer?

Sasheer [00:40:06] I think I’d also manifest the promotion. I don’t think I’d blame anyone for any problems. I definitely wouldn’t bake cookies.

Nicole [00:40:13] Yeah, I’m not baking cookies for anybody, and I need this job. I need it! I need money. And finally: “What’s your go to sleepover movie?”

Sasheer [00:40:25] “Legally blond.”

Nicole [00:40:27] “Parasite?”.

Sasheer [00:40:28] Oh boy. “Ghostbusters.”

Nicole [00:40:31] “Zootopia” is pretty funny, but I also really love “Legally Blond.” And Parasite? That’s not a sleepover movie. I did see it on a date with this guy. And there was one point where people were, like, living in the basement, and he lived in a basement. And I was like, “You’re like those people. You’re a basement person.” And he didn’t like that.

Sasheer [00:40:54] Oh boy. Oh no. Yeah. I can see why he wouldn’t.

Nicole [00:40:58] I said a lot of stuff he didn’t like. That’s probably why we’re not dating anymore. I’m going to say Legally Blond. Final answer.

Sasheer [00:41:06] I’m going to say Zootopia. Final answer. It’s fun. And you get a little message out of it.

Nicole [00:41:13] I do love Zootopia.

Jordan [00:41:16] So, this is Nicole.

Nicole [00:41:18] I’m a god? “Congrats. You’re the ultimate energy in the universe. You keep your friends close, but you keep your enemies closer. You’re honest, authentic, and always try to do the right thing, even when it’s tough. You’re also the person everyone looks to for advice.” I don’t know.

Sasheer [00:41:37] I’m a ghoul?

Nicole [00:41:39] Oh, my God!

Sasheer [00:41:42] “Dang, you got the moves, ghoul! You are the ultimate gaslighter, always manipulating your way through any and every sticky situation. Your gaslighting ghosting abilities allow you to ‘help’ your friends.” “Help” is in quotations.

Nicole [00:42:01] Whoa. It says, “Read more.”

Sasheer [00:42:04] Oh. “Help your friends while you secretly mess with them behind their backs?”

Nicole [00:42:09] We have to de-fund BuzzFeed. That is not you.

Sasheer [00:42:13] That’s not me.

Nicole [00:42:13] You are not a ghoul.

Sasheer [00:42:16] I’m not a ghoul.

Nicole [00:42:16] You’ve never gaslit me anything.

Sasheer [00:42:21] Thank you. I’ve never gaslit you anything.

Nicole [00:42:23] You haven’t.

Sasheer [00:42:24] And I would never gaslight you anything.

Nicole [00:42:26] I don’t think you would either. I don’t like that quiz. You’re not a ghoul. No. That’s wrong. That’s wrong!

Sasheer [00:42:34] We’re both girls.

Nicole [00:42:35] We’re girls.

Sasheer [00:42:37] “I’m just a girl.”

Nicole [00:42:39] “In the world.” Wait, how does it go? “I’m just a girl in this world. Oh, little old me.”

Sasheer & Nicole [00:42:46] “Look at me!”.

Jordan [00:42:46] This is so great.

Nicole [00:43:11] You know, I often think about No Doubt, and I’m like, “That adult woman sounds like that. And that’s wild.” She has such an interesting voice. And then her speaking voice is nowhere close to her singing voice.

Sasheer [00:43:23] That happens sometimes.

Nicole [00:43:24] Yeah.

Nicole [00:43:35] Okay. Let’s do a quiz.

Sasheer [00:43:39] A question!

Nicole [00:43:41] Oh, my God.

Sasheer [00:43:42] We just did a quiz.

Nicole [00:43:44] Listen, bitch. I got dizzy and confused. “Hello, Nicole, and Sasheer, and Kimmie, and Jordan. I love the podcast. I look forward to it every week. Now for my inquiry. I’m a very timid person who is learning to stand up for my boundaries. It has been mentioned several times that Nicole loves to fight in airports. My question to everyone would be how do you fight someone efficiently when they are acting poorly? Love y’all, and I can’t wait to fight someone after I take the red-eye.

Sasheer [00:44:18] Very funny.

Nicole [00:44:19] I do love to fight at the airport. It’s truly one of my favorite hobbies.

Sasheer [00:44:27] I don’t know if I would say you fight efficiently.

Nicole [00:44:29] Oh, no. No, no, no. Um–

Sasheer [00:44:33] It’s rooted in emotion. It’s passion.

Nicole [00:44:36] It is very passionate. How do I fight at airports? Hmm. I mean, you identify what they did wrong, and then you point at them, and you tell them what they did wrong. Okay. So, here’s a prime example. Yesterday in the bathroom at L.A.X., this woman with a stroller and two kids came barreling towards me and wouldn’t move. And then I had to move. And I said, “You know what? ‘Excuse me’ is a nice word that you could use because you don’t gotta be like that.” And then there was a lady washing her hands at the thing–she’s like, “They do that all day long. People just push into you. They don’t care. They’re rude.” And I said very loudly, “Yeah! Just ’cause you have kids in a stroller doesn’t mean you get to run people over!” And then I said, “I did my job.” And I left. And I know people listening are like, “Be nice to people with children.” No. No. No. I didn’t fuck you. I didn’t make them kids. And also, having children does not give you liberty to be rude. Like, I know I joke about kids crying on planes, and we should put them under the plane or in overhead bins. I stand by it. But, like, you don’t have to be rude. You can say, “excuse me.” I know you’re exhausted and tired, but that doesn’t mean you get to be rude.

Sasheer [00:46:00] Yeah. I hear that. I actually want to get in a fight with one of my neighbors, but I’m not going to.

Nicole [00:46:10] Yes. I’ll come.

Sasheer [00:46:12] Yes. You come fight my neighbor.

Nicole [00:46:14] Okay.

Sasheer [00:46:14] So, I have a tree that is big. And it overarches the street. And I guess leaves blow onto, like, the person across the street’s property. But the tree itself is not over the property line. And this, like, 90-year-old woman now comes in. She sweeps–literally sweeps the street. Doesn’t have to–not her job. That’s the job of the city. But she gets her broom out, sweeps the street, and she’s like, “I’m too old to be doing this.” And I want to be like, “You don’t have to do it. No one asked you to. It’s the street.” And then she’s like, “The leaves always go onto my property.” And last time I saw her, I was like, “Oh, I’ll talk to the tree trimmers.” I’m not going to. But I just said that so she can stop talking to me. And then the next morning, I go to my car–I go to the garage, and there’s a pile of leaves in front of the door. And I was like, “That’s so weird. Did it, like, come out of someone’s trash can or something? Like, it’s such a perfect pile. How did that happen?” And then I look at the ring camera footage; this criminal swept– This hoodlum swept up the leaves in her broom and then chucked them at my garage door. And then she brushed up another pile and threw it over my fence. And I didn’t notice that one because they’re leaves–because I was outside, and I was like, “Well, leaves are everywhere.”.

Nicole [00:47:54] Oh, my God.

Sasheer [00:47:56] I didn’t notice that. But I did notice the pile, and I was like, “That’s a perfect pile. Why is that there?” It’s ’cause this old lady threw the leaves back at my house.

Nicole [00:48:06] Oh, my God. I mean, I would be like, “Throw the leaves back in her house.” But no. No, no, no, no. I think when you see her next, you go, “Do you want to see something?” And then show her the footage and go, “Do you need a hobby or something–to keep you busy and not doing this? Because, ma’am, grow up. I know you don’t have enough time to grow up because you’re so old and you might die being so immature, but… Grow the fuck up. It’s outside.

Sasheer [00:48:48] It’s outside. Yeah. You should move to a desert if you don’t want to be surrounded by trees.

Nicole [00:48:54] I cannot believe that you have footage of an old woman throwing leaves at your house.

Sasheer [00:49:01] It’s really crazy.

Nicole [00:49:03] I cannot believe it.

Sasheer [00:49:06] Jordan, do you have a suggestion?

Nicole [00:49:07] Yeah. Do you have a suggestion?

Jordan [00:49:08] You should take those leaves and make a wreath for her. And then go to the house and then be like, “I made this for you with the leaves that you dumped into my yard.”

Sasheer [00:49:24] Jordan.

Nicole [00:49:24] That’s so funny.

Sasheer [00:49:27] That’s very funny. I do want to point at the cameras and be like, “I can see you. Just so you know–in case you think this is a thing you can do weekly–I can see you. I’m gonna take this to the cops, lady!”

Nicole [00:49:40] That’s why I think you should truly knock on her door. Honestly, bring her a little gift. Like, bring her a little trinket. Go to Marshall’s and find, I don’t know, a leaf dish–like a ceramic leaf dish. Wrap it up. Be like, “Hey. We’re neighbors. I thought about our talk that we had. Here’s a gift. I’m sorry about the leaves, but also, here’s the footage of you being so rude. And if you would like to continue doing that, I know you’re doing that. And you’re being weird.” I honestly would show her the footage of herself and be like, “Look how dumb you look. You could be doing anything else.”

Sasheer [00:50:18] It is quite ridiculous. And I’m also like, “Who do you belong to? Where are your kids?” If I knew my mom was, like, roaming the streets, throwing leaves at people’s homes, I’d be like, “We gotta put you somewhere.”

Nicole [00:50:29] “We gotta put you in a home. You can’t be in here alone.”

Sasheer [00:50:32] “No. You’re not doing well.”

Nicole [00:50:34] I have to get cameras because my neighbor keeps putting their garbage in my garbage can. And I caught them one time. I was just, like, looking out the window randomly–and I watched him look both ways, scurry across the street, look both ways again, and then put a bunch of shit in my trashcan. And then he scurried back into his home.

Sasheer [00:51:01] Are his cans, like, overflowing? Does he have too much trash?

Nicole [00:51:05] No. No. And I think it was the day after pickup.

Sasheer [00:51:10] How rude!

Nicole [00:51:10] Yeah. So, I was like, “Oh.” And then he has two trash cans. Sometimes there will be two trash cans out. So, they have the room. They have the space. They have the cans. And I want to get cameras– Well, I need cameras anyway, because, you know, safety–but specifically to point at my trash cans, to be like, “Can you not?”.

Sasheer [00:51:29] Yeah.

Nicole [00:51:31] “Can you just not?”

Sasheer [00:51:33] Oof. Do you also need to, like, lock up your trash cans? It’s annoying.

Nicole [00:51:38] Yeah, that’s so annoying.

Jordan [00:51:41] You could put a sticker on the cans saying, “You’re on camera.” “You’re on can-mera.” Sorry.

Sasheer [00:51:51] Jordan!

Nicole [00:51:52] Jordan loved that, and I loved it for Jordan. Yeah. I mean, I might start a fight with them. I don’t know. He has seen my breasts, so I don’t know how well that will go. I was wearing a crop top and I stretched. And then he went, “Good morning.” And I was like, “Good morning.” And then I was in my room, and I stretched in front of the mirror, and I was like, “He saw my titties.”

Sasheer [00:52:17] That’s even more of a reason for him to be respectful; you gave him a show.

Nicole [00:52:21] Right?

Sasheer [00:52:21] This man knows you intimately.

Nicole [00:52:26] He does know me intimately. What a dream!

Sasheer [00:52:29] He shouldn’t be taking advantage of that.

Nicole [00:52:30] No. Boy, oh boy. How wild. Everything is wild. So, yeah, if you want to start a fight, just point out the egregious thing. That’s what I did at the Hollywood Bowl. I’ll talk about the rest of my life. Those fucking kids. That loud woman. Tell them what’s up.

Sasheer [00:52:45] Seems like most of your fights are with kids–or, like, kids are somehow involved.

Nicole [00:52:50] Well, control your fucking kids. Guess what? I was a very well-behaved child. If you could imagine.

Sasheer [00:52:56] I can’t.

Nicole [00:52:57] I truly was. In public? Very well behaved. Behind closed doors? A lunatic. Well, my mother would just be like– There was a look she gave me, and I’d be like, “Oh no.”

Sasheer [00:53:05] Yeah.

Nicole [00:53:06] “I don’t want the wrath of what’s going to happen if I don’t behave.”

Sasheer [00:53:10] Same with my mom. Yeah. You gotta develop that look, so your kids know to zip it up in public.

Nicole [00:53:18] Zip it. Should we do one more?

Sasheer [00:53:20] Okay, let’s do one more.

Nicole [00:53:22] “Hi, Nicole and Sasheer. My husband and I love listening to the podcast together. It really makes us tee-hee-hee. We’ve been together for almost a decade now, and in that time, I’ve gotten to know all his laughs. He’s got a genuine laugh, and his face crinkles up, and it comes from his belly. When he’s on a call with a client, it’s more from his chest. When he completely loses it, he’ll cry. When he laughs when we’re in bed at night–when he’s on his phone–he tries to be quiet, but his laughter shakes the mattress. How would you describe each other’s laugh? Which one is your favorite? Can you tell when they’re laughing to be polite versus laughing for real? Love you lots. Listening to you both laugh at each other always brightens my day. Thank you for all you do.” Oh, that’s nice.

Sasheer [00:54:05] Aw. That is nice. Hmm. You have a laugh where you know you shouldn’t be laughing at it. Like when it’s a bad laugh where it’s like, “Ooh. Oh, boy. We shouldn’t be laughing at this.” It’s kind of like a deep– Like you’re trying to stop yourself, but it keeps coming out.

Nicole [00:54:30] You have a laugh that’s like… It’s, like, very high pitched. I don’t know if I can do it. When something’s, like, really, really funny, you close your eyes, too. Or sometimes there’s a laugh where nothing comes out, and you’re just like… Kind of like that! And you’re smiling really hard, and your eyes are basically closed. And then sometimes it starts like– And then it goes up high. And then there was a time where we were both trying hard not to laugh. It was during a talkback after a play. And this lady was walking around like a ghost, taking questions. I can’t– You had to be there; it’s so hard to describe… And you don’t do a polite laugh.

Sasheer [00:55:46] Yeah. I just won’t laugh.

Nicole [00:55:48] Yeah. I think I have a polite laugh where I go, “Hmm.”

Sasheer [00:55:55] Yeah. It’s more like a “huh.”.

Nicole [00:55:58] “Huh.”.

Sasheer [00:55:58] Like you’re considering it. You’re considering the matter at hand.

Nicole [00:56:02] It was on camera. This lady told a joke, and I went, “Huh.” And nobody laughed. And she went, “Oh, I guess nobody liked it.” And I was like, “Well, to be frank, I truly just didn’t understand it.” And then she explained it, and I said, “Oh, okay. I get it. Would you like to do it again?” And she was like, “Yes.” And I was like, “Oh, yikes.” And then she told it again, I went, “Hoo-hoo-hoo.”

Sasheer [00:56:24] Aww.

Nicole [00:56:25] I hope they don’t keep it because it’s very clear that I was like, “I don’t know. You needed to tell it. You needed a laugh.”

Sasheer [00:56:31] They should keep the whole thing because the end is very funny if you know that she had to explain it to you.

Nicole [00:56:39] Oh, that’s funny. Hey, if you have a question, you can email us at nicoleandsasheer@gmail.com. Or there’s a number: 424-645-7003. And guess what? You can leave a voicemail, or you can text.

Sasheer [00:56:59] We also have merch at podswag.com/bestfriends.

Nicole [00:57:03] Lastly, don’t forget to rate, review, and subscribe. That’s the easiest way to support this show.

Sasheer [00:57:11] Hooray!

Nicole [00:57:13] Hooray! We love you for listening to us! It is a fun– Oh, my God. September 9th was when American Gigolo came out and I didn’t watch.

Sasheer [00:57:30] That’s, like, so long ago by the time this episode comes out.

Nicole [00:57:36] I have got to watch it. I’m so excited.

Sasheer [00:57:40] Alright.

Nicole [00:57:40] Okay. Bye!

Sasheer [00:57:41] Let’s get out of here so you can watch it.

Nicole [00:57:42] I gotta watch it. Bye.