EP. 233 — Nicole Needs More Protein, Baby!

 

NICOLE: Hi, Sasheer.

 

SASHEER: What did you slam?

 

NICOLE: Pure protein. Complete protein shake and strawberry milkshake.

 

SASHEER: Oh, my goodness. So much protein.

 

NICOLE: I don’t get enough protein. So, I started drinking protein shakes.

 

SASHEER: Smart. Very smart.

 

NICOLE: I’ve learned I don’t get enough of a lot of stuff.

 

SASHEER: Okay. All right. Is this, like, food specific, or is this something else?

 

NICOLE: I’m talking about love, affection, protein– No, I’m kidding. Just protein. Yeah. Yeah. Like, my doctor was like, “Get more protein, baby.” She didn’t say “baby.” She has no bedside manner. She was just like, “Eat more–consume more–protein. Goodbye.”

 

SASHEER: If she did say “baby,” I think that would also be bad bedside manner.

 

NICOLE: I would love it. I would love it so much. She’s like, “Get more protein, baby.”

 

SASHEER: Get baby.

 

NICOLE: “Baby, you gotta get your nutrients here. Yeah.”

 

SASHEER: “Yes. You got to.”

 

NICOLE: How are you today?

 

SASHEER: I’m good. Actually, “baby” reminded me of this Twitter thread that I saw–I can’t remember if we talked about it or not–where a woman was talking about her friend who had an IUD. And then… Wait, is that it? No, no, no. Her friend’s husband got a vasectomy. And then the friend got pregnant and was like, “How did this happen?” And so, the person who tweeted it was like, “Thoughts? What do you think happened?” and then wrote, “Update: He didn’t go to the follow-up appointment.” He just didn’t get it. And, like, I feel like a punishment is needed in that kind of regard. Right?

 

NICOLE: Yeah. Take his dick. Cut the dick off. He can’t be doing that. You absolutely can’t say, “I got a vasectomy,” not get the vasectomy, and then start shooting up the club. You can’t do that. That’s wild. Did you–? I sent you this on Instagram. It was a woman who was like, “I was adopted. Here’s my backstory. My mom was married to a white man and had an affair with a Black man.” The white man forgave her, but they wanted to cover up her pregnancy. So, they told their friends and family that she was pregnant. And then when the baby came, she told all her friends and family that the baby died. And in the meantime, she went to this, like, support group, I guess, of other women who have cheated and they’re having babies. I don’t know what kind of support group that is. So, then the people went to the support group, and they were like, “I want to adopt a baby.” So, then she gave the couple and the support group the baby.

 

SASHEER: Oh. I mean, that’s kind of handy.

 

NICOLE: Isn’t that wild?

 

SASHEER: Automatic couple that wants your baby. But that is wild. Also, to tell everyone that your baby died.

 

NICOLE: Right? Isn’t that grim?

 

SASHEER: Very grim. And now you have to fake mourn for a real baby.

 

NICOLE: Yeah. And that’s nuts. You can’t do that.

 

SASHEER: Yeah, I saw a different tweet because we stay on the internet…

 

NICOLE: All we do is be on the internet.

 

SASHEER: And this woman is a wedding planner. And she was telling a story about how she was planning a wedding for this couple. And then the day before the wedding–the day of the rehearsal dinner–the groom called the wedding planner and was like, “Hey. Don’t freak out. We’re at the hospital. Everyone’s fine.” And the wedding planner was like, “Okay, what happened?” And he’s like, “So the bride had a baby.” And the wedding planner’s like, “Okay, weird that you guys didn’t tell me she was pregnant.” He was like, “We didn’t know. We didn’t know she was pregnant. She just had a baby.”

 

NICOLE: What?

 

SASHEER: Yeah, it was one of those, like, bathroom stories where she, like, went to the bathroom and then out came a baby.

 

NICOLE: Shit out a baby.

 

SASHEER: Yes. And apparently, she was 42 weeks pregnant, so she was overdue. And she was like, “I was still getting my period. I had an IUD and, like, truly felt no symptoms of a pregnancy leading up to this.” And she only gained 8 pounds, and she was like, “I thought it was wedding stress.” Turned out it was a baby.

 

NICOLE: Oh, my word. How wild? I would be livid if I was secret pregnant and shot out a baby.

 

SASHEER: I know because you’re not even prepared for it!

 

NICOLE: No, I didn’t buy a bassinet. I don’t have any suits for Deuteronomy. I don’t have anything.

 

SASHEER: “We need to stock up on suits! Stat!”

 

NICOLE: “I got to get white suits for Deuteronomy!” Remember we went to this wild thrift store a little bit ago. And they had white suits, and you turned around. You’re like, “Deuteronomy?”

 

SASHEER: You’re like, “Yes. A million of those for Deuteronomy.”

 

NICOLE: Please! I mean, it’s the only choice to dress up a baby in a suit.

 

SASHEER: You must. It is funny.

 

NICOLE: It’s so funny. It’s so funny! Again, we stay on the internet. I didn’t send this to you, but there was this woman who was, like, 90 lbs soaking wet. And it was one of those TikToks where it, like, said the words and she’s dancing. She was like, “I thought since I only gained six pounds from my pregnancy, I’d have a tiny baby.” And then she brings out the baby. And the baby is, like, half her fucking size. It is wild. It’s upsetting. Imagine lugging around something that’s half your size and you can’t just leave it. You gotta bring it with you. Hold on. I know her TikTok. I’m going to tell you what her fucking TikTok is. It’s sick. And then a bunch of people, I guess, were telling her that her baby was too big. And she was like, “You are body shaming a one-year-old!” And I was like, “Yup, I sure am ’cause it’s too big!” Okay, hold on. Let me find this huge baby. Okay. It’s thatmomkayla on TikTok. Look at this gigantic child.

 

SASHEER: That’s a one-year-old?

 

NICOLE: Yes.

 

SASHEER: That looks like a four-year-old or older.

 

NICOLE: It’s such a big baby. But I don’t know what the dad looks like. The dad has to be, like, a basketball player or a part of the Amazon kingdom. Right? Those are the big bitches.

 

SASHEER: Yeah. Amazonian?

 

NICOLE: Isn’t Wonder Woman an Amazon?

 

SASHEER: I think so, or something like that. Or, like, it’s like some sort of, you know, fake society of gladiator type women or something like that.

 

NICOLE: They should have gotten a bigger girl. Gal Gadot is not Amazonian. Dare I say regular?

 

SASHEER: Who is a big girl who could have done it?

 

NICOLE: I would have gone through the WWE and see what was up there–found me a lady rock or a pebble.

 

SASHEER: Jordan said, “Wonder Woman’s origin story is from the Golden to Bronze Age. It relates that she was sculpted from clay by her mother, Queen Hippolyta, and was given a life as an Amazon, along with superhuman powers as gifts by the Greek gods.”

 

NICOLE: Okay, her mom is Hippolyta? That’s a big bitch. She’s a hippo.

 

SASHEER: “Hippo” is in there.

 

NICOLE: Let’s see some big bitches stomping around.

 

SASHEER: I feel like back in the day– Not that I ever pay attention to her wrestling. But I do remember there was one woman–I think her name was Chyna or something–who was, like, massive, muscles galore, truly as big as the men, and kicking ass all the time.

 

NICOLE: She has since passed away.

 

SASHEER: I think I did know that. I think I remember that. Oh, yeah. There’s pictures. Oh, yeah. Chyna with a Y.

 

NICOLE: Who’s a current–? Maybe the Rock has a kid in the WWE? Let’s look at “big lady WWE.”

 

SASHEER: Hulk Hogan has a daughter. Brooke?

 

NICOLE: Yeah. Brooke Hogan. She’s probably big. Wait. These ladies don’t seem as big as I want them to be.

 

SASHEER: I know, I think everyone, like, got smaller because they want women to be smaller. They want to shrink us.

 

NICOLE: I don’t want that.

 

SASHEER: I mean, they still look buff as hell but not like Chyna.

 

NICOLE: I want big. I want a big, big, big one. That’s how I’m going to describe it and leave it at that.

 

SASHEER: “Charlotte?”

 

NICOLE: Ric Flair’s daughter?

 

SASHEER: Charlotte Flair. She does look really tall.

 

NICOLE: She does look huge. Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. Yeah. Give me some broad shoulders, muscles… Maybe I’ll start training to be a WWE superstar.

 

SASHEER: I would really love it. That’d be very cool.

 

NICOLE: Well, I’ve already got the protein.

 

SASHEER: Just ask John Cena to use his connections to get you in there!

 

NICOLE: “John, let me be a WWE superstar! Please!”

 

SASHEER: He would be happy to help me with your journey.

 

NICOLE: What a wild phone call that would be. He would be like, “What?” Ooh, look at this cutie.

 

SASHEER: “Bianca Belair.” She’s cute.

 

NICOLE: She’s pretty. But again, I’m looking for bigger. That belt looks like a watch on her.

 

SASHEER: It really does.

 

NICOLE: Yeah. “Big women.” Thank you, Judith. Ooh! Kharma! I like her. She looks tough. Oh, yeah. Nia Jax. She was a big girl. I think she has left the WWE. “Doudrop?” Do I need to get into wrestling?

 

SASHEER: I mean, that’d be a fun journey for you–a fun side journey for you.

 

NICOLE: I just become a wrestler. I feel like Ron Funches was wrestling at one point.

 

SASHEER: Maybe. I know he’s, like, a huge wrestling fan. You could ask Ron how to get in there, too.

 

NICOLE: I mean, wrestling is just fun. For a hot second in high school, I was into wrestling, and I would watch matches on the phone with my friend. And they would have to explain everything to me because I was like, “I don’t get who’s the bad guy. I don’t get this.” But it is theater. It is, like, fun.

 

SASHEER: Oh, yeah. It’s a soap opera. It’s whole decades-long storylines and then nemeses and alliances.

 

NICOLE: And catchphrases. “Can you smell what The Rock is cooking?” Did we ever figure out what he was cooking?

 

SASHEER: Wow. He never told us what he was cooking.

 

NICOLE: Wait, can you Google, “What was The Rock cooking?”

 

SASHEER: Wait, what was The Rock cooking? And the issue is we never did smell it.

 

NICOLE: No because we were at a wrestling match. So, did you bring it in Tupperware? And if so, we don’t know because there’s a lid on it.

 

SASHEER: Or were you cooking backstage?

 

JUDITH: This article says it’s pancakes.

 

NICOLE: He was making pancakes the whole time? This is a GQ article by the way.

 

SASHEER: That’s really funny. Yeah.

 

NICOLE: What? If I went to someone’s house and they’re like, “Do you smell what I’m cooking?” and I’m like, “Yes,” and it smelled delicious and it was fucking pancakes, I would lose my shit. I would be like, “That’s it? Pancakes? There’s no bacon? There’s no eggs? There’s nothing?”

 

SASHEER: I mean, I do love a good pancake.

 

NICOLE: How many bad pancakes have you had?

 

SASHEER: I have had bad pancakes before. Sometimes they’re burnt–too crispy.

 

NICOLE: I make the best pancakes because I deep fry them.

 

SASHEER: What? Oh, my goodness.

 

NICOLE: I’m a professional fat, okay? I have figured out ways to make things even fatter. So, you take the pan… You know how you put, like, vegetable oil in? Mine don’t look like that. So, you put vegetable oil in the pan, you put extra vegetable oil in it, tilt it to the side, pour the mix in so the, like, pancake is not fully covered in the oil–just the bottom part–and then you flip it. And then it gets so crispy on the outside, and it’s so fucking good. Oh, my God. I discovered it when I was little. And my mom is like, “Here, you can try making a pancake by yourself.” And I said, “Bet. I’ll make them worse for myself.”

 

SASHEER: I want to try those pancakes.

 

NICOLE: I’ll make them for you. They’re really fucking good.

 

SASHEER: They sound delicious. Okay, Judith. What does this mean? You’re just showing us, like, delicious looking pastries right now. And I can’t have them.

 

JUDITH: It looks so good.

 

NICOLE: I guess I do love a pancake. They are delish.

 

SASHEER: They are delish, and sometimes that’s all I need. Sometimes I don’t need, like, the other stuff, too.

 

NICOLE: I went to the Delta Lounge and… Where was I? I was in Minneapolis. And Delta–I have a bone to pick with you. This lounge was subpar. There wasn’t as many treats to choose from. Here were the choices I had. I had sausage. No vegan option for my brethren who don’t eat the swine. There were scrambled eggs. And then there was a cheddar omelet. And I was like, “This is double.” I mean, one is cheesy, one is not. But, like, why not have some vegetables in the scrambies for my, you know, vegan brethren and people who are just trying to get some more colors and veggies inside themselves. And that was it, Sasheer. That was fucking it. I mean, they had bagels and maybe a muffin or two. But I said, “What?” It was, like, half a table worth of stuff. And I said, “Delta, we gotta feed the people. What are we doing?” I was so upset.

 

SASHEER: I love you grabbing your glasses while you’re saying this, too. I was like, “What? Delta, come on. What are you doing to me?”

 

NICOLE: I was so mad. And then in the bathroom, there was just hand wash–no lotion. I said, “We’re in the Midwest. It’s cold. I get ashy.” Then I go outside the bathroom. There was a bottle of lotion to be shared between the bathrooms. I said, “What is this, Delta? We deserve our own in this one. And what’s going on in Minneapolis?”

 

SASHEER: I blame Tom Brady.

 

NICOLE: I blame Tom Brady, too. He talked. He got into my man’s ear. Let me talk to you, Ed.

 

SASHEER: Tom’s out here making too many changes.

 

NICOLE: Too many changes. And then I went to Salt Lake City. I think that’s a Delta hub. It’s a huge airport. Have you been to the Salt Lake City airport?

 

SASHEER: Not that I can recall.

 

NICOLE: Very large and in charge.

 

SASHEER: Yeah?

 

NICOLE: It’s big. It’s nice.

 

SASHEER: Is it easy to navigate?

 

NICOLE: Yeah, but it’s really big. But I didn’t get a chance to visit the lounge because I only had a 30-minute layover. Oh, Lord.

 

SASHEER: Lord. Do you want to do a quiz?

 

NICOLE: I would love to do a little quizzy-poo.

 

SASHEER: Let’s do it.

 

NICOLE: Ooh! “Eat At a Buffet and Reveal Which Disney Family You Belong To.” I think I’m hungry.

 

SASHEER: I like that, and I think I’m hungry.

 

NICOLE: Let’s see. “Buy Some Pastries and I’ll Tell You Which 2023 Heartthrob is Your Soulmate.” “Make a Meal, I’ll Tell You What Element You Are.” What are you feeling like, Sasheer?

 

SASHEER: I like the buffet.

 

NICOLE: Yeah. I’ve been trying to get you to a buffet for a minute now. And you, like, won’t go to a buffet with me.

 

SASHEER: It’s just the hygienic aspect of it–or lack thereof. Just, like, the idea of these open… Like, that’s a food the people can stand in front of and, like, breathe over and, like, put their hands on top of. I’m just not jazzed about that post-COVID.

 

NICOLE: What if I light a candle beforehand for our health and, you know, put some vibes out in the air that we’re not going to get sick from the buffet? Also, germs do not live on food. That’s a thing we learned during COVID.

 

SASHEER: I don’t know if I learned that. Germs don’t live on food?

 

NICOLE: No.

 

SASHEER: But, like, what about salmonella or–?

 

NICOLE: Oh. Salmonella–that can happen. But they have to keep the food at a certain temperature at a buffet, so that keeps you from not getting sick.

 

SASHEER: Really? Are you lying to me?

 

NICOLE: No. I’m not lying to you.

 

SASHEER: It’s just the way you’re saying it really feels like you’re making this up.

 

NICOLE: Look up, “Can germs spread to food?”

 

SASHEER: “Usually, germs are transmitted from unclean hands to food by an infected food preparer who didn’t wash his or her hands after using the toilet.”

 

NICOLE: So that’s the only thing you got to worry about.

 

SASHEER: Oh, good.

 

NICOLE: And you know, all those restaurants–they have in the bathroom, “If you work here, you gotta wash your hands so we’re safe.”

 

SASHEER: Yeah. Everyone reads those signs.

 

NICOLE: But I promise you, like, if someone sneezes on food, all that goes away.

 

SASHEER: But I kind of still don’t want to eat it after someone sneezed on it.

 

NICOLE: How do you know they didn’t sneeze on it in the kitchen before they bring it out to you on a plate at a non-buffet?

 

SASHEER: You know, I don’t know that. But I guess it just feels better because there’s less contact with humans before it gets to my table. Whereas at a buffet, hundreds of people could have encountered that food before I got there.

 

NICOLE: We’re not going to, like, a popping buffet where there’s hundreds of people there. We’re going to go at a nice time where the food comes out fresh. And we’re going to eat before everybody. Let me just curate this. I will figure out a restaurant. I’ll go beforehand, and I will figure out what time they put all the new food out. And that’s when we’re going to go.

 

SASHEER: Okay.

 

NICOLE: Oh, my God. Imagine you get sick after that. Oh, my God. I can’t be responsible for this. We’re not going. I can’t be held responsible. In the off chance that you do get sick or something, I’ll never fucking hear the end of it. And then buffets will be ruined for me. And it’s just a thing I want to experience with a friend. I want to take my friend to a Golden Corral. Okay? Or a Chinese buffet. Okay? That’s all I fucking want.

 

SASHEER: Okay, we can go. And if I get sick, I won’t say anything, but you’ll know. Just know that’s what it was. But I won’t say anything. But just know, all right?

 

NICOLE: I can take that. Okay. “Eat At a Buffet and We’ll Reveal Which Disney Family You Belong In.”

 

SASHEER: “Let’s start with drinks. What are you choosing?”

 

NICOLE: “Lemonade.”

 

SASHEER: “Soda.”

 

NICOLE: Wait, can you go up? Can I see that soda? What kind of sodas are those? Those are not American.

 

SASHEER: They do look like they’re from different countries.

 

NICOLE: That’s fun. I want to try the one that’s next to the Sprite. What’s that? No, the green one next to the Sprite. I wonder if that’s Surge. Remember Surge?

 

SASHEER: I do and remember Surge. It was an energy drink, kind of?

 

NICOLE: It was soda, but it was, like, green. It looked like fucking–

 

SASHEER: Like Mountain Dew?

 

NICOLE: I think it looks sicker than Mountain Dew if I remember correctly.

 

SASHEER: Have you been to the Coca-Cola Museum?

 

NICOLE: No. Where is that?

 

SASHEER: It’s in Georgia. I’ve been maybe three times. I really like it.

 

NICOLE: You love Coca-Cola. You love capitalism. You love big business. Why have you been into the Coca-Cola Museum three times? And have you learned anything new?

 

SASHEER: Of course not. But I’ve shot in Georgia at least three times. And I think the first time, I went with my reps who came to visit me. Second time, I went with my cousin to do something. And the third time, I took my partner. And I was, like, having a genuine good time each time I went. I like it because everyone seems to be really happy there. And the person who introduces you to the museum is usually a teenager. And they’re, like, so excited for the job. And they’re always doing a really good job presenting the facts. And they do little quizzes with everybody before we get in there. And I’m like, “Oh, my God! Look at them!” And then we get in there.

 

NICOLE: “Oh, my God! Look at them!”

 

SASHEER: “Look at them public speaking at such a young age!” And then you go in, and there’s, like, little movies where you can learn stuff about Coca-Cola.

 

NICOLE: I think I would like to go. My mother loved Coca-Cola. She had a stash of Coke in the house that we were not allowed to drink. And I’m, like, an opposite person, so I’m surprised I don’t love Coke and drink it. But every time I see it, I’m like, “My mom wouldn’t want me to drink it. That’s hers.” And she’s been dead for so long.

 

SASHEER: It’s still hers, though. She claims it.

 

NICOLE: Yeah, it’s still hers.

 

SASHEER: I actually don’t even drink Coca-Cola.

 

NICOLE: But you love it? Wait, do you love Diet Coke?

 

SASHEER: I don’t drink any soda.

 

NICOLE: When did that happen for you? As a teen or an adult? Or child?

 

SASHEER: I guess as a child because my mom… I remember I played a lot of sports when I was younger, and my mom was like, “There was a kid at a different school who drank Coke or Pepsi or something after every soccer practice, and she died.” And I was like, “Okay, well, then I guess I’ll never drink it.” And I’m sure there are other reasons why this person died–

 

NICOLE: Nope. That’s it. That’s why my mom died, too. After soccer practice, she drank Coke. And she would pick me up after her soccer practice, guzzling a Coke.

 

SASHEER: Maybe it was like she was drinking that instead of water. I don’t know. And my mom may not have even been trying to get me to never drink soda. But I really took that to heart and was like, “I will never drink it.” And so, I don’t. I’ll drink a ginger ale. As far as, like, a fizzy thing?

 

NICOLE: Not for you.

 

SASHEER: Not for me.

 

NICOLE: And it’s really interesting. Like, there’s Coke and there’s Pepsi people. I’m a Coke person. I don’t love Pepsi. But if forced to drink it, I will.

 

SASHEER: I don’t know if you’ll ever be forced.

 

NICOLE: Yeah. I mean, if someone put a gun to my head and said, “Drink this Pepsi,” I would. I don’t think my mother would, though. I think she’d be like, “No. Go get me a Coke, and I’ll drink that.” That’s how diehard she was.

 

SASHEER: Damn.

 

NICOLE: But you know what I love?

 

SASHEER: What?

 

NICOLE: Welch’s Grape Soda mixed with vanilla ice cream.

 

SASHEER: Whoa.

 

NICOLE: It is a fucking treat, my dude. It’s so good. Also, strawberry soda is really good. And for whatever reason, my mother told me that they didn’t make it in New Jersey. I think they did. So, I was only allowed to drink it when we were on vacation in Chicago.

 

SASHEER: That’s fun, though. A nice little treat.

 

NICOLE: And I’d bring back a little six pack with me. And I ration them out.

 

SASHEER: From exotic Chicago.

 

NICOLE: “Tea.”

 

SASHEER: Oh, yeah. “Smoothie.”

 

NICOLE: “Wine.”

 

SASHEER: “Sparkling water.”

 

NICOLE: Ooh. Okay. This is tough because I love sparkling water, but I also love wine. And I love a specific smoothie from one place in Studio City.

 

SASHEER: So then…?

 

NICOLE: It’s called a “Date Smoothie.” It’s, like, peanut butter, banana, and, like, dates and maybe, like, almond milk. And it’s so fucking good. It’s from this place in Studio City called Whata Peach. I hope they never go out of business. I choose wine.

 

SASHEER: I will choose tea. I like a tea.

 

NICOLE: You know, I like tea more and more. I had a tea over the weekend because I was so cold. And it warmed me up.

 

SASHEER: Yeah. It’s really good to warm you up from the inside out.

 

NICOLE: “Pick an appetizer.”

 

SASHEER: “Guacamole and chips.”

 

NICOLE: That doesn’t look like no guacamole I’ve ever seen.

 

SASHEER: Yeah. It looks like cucumbers.

 

NICOLE: Yeah. It’s not for me. “Hummus and bread.”

 

SASHEER: “Charcuterie board.”

 

NICOLE: “Spring rolls.”

 

SASHEER: “Calamari.”

 

NICOLE: “Nachos!”

 

SASHEER: I know what you’re going to pick.

 

NICOLE: Nachos!

 

SASHEER: Yeah, nachos.

 

NICOLE: I fucking love nachos. And I was promised nachos the other day, and it didn’t happen. And I was irate. I couldn’t believe it. I was like, “What? You can’t promise somebody nachos and then not give them nachos.”

 

SASHEER: Yeah. I’m sorry.

 

NICOLE: It’s okay. What are you picking?

 

SASHEER: Hummus and bread.

 

NICOLE: Oh! A Greek delicacy. Is hummus Greek? No. Uh oh.

 

SASHEER: I think so. I feel like yes. It’s always on the plate when I order a meal from a Greek place.

 

NICOLE: It is. Yeah. But also, it might be a Middle Eastern dish.

 

SASHEER: “Hummus was likely created in the Middle East and eventually found its way to Greece.” Okay.

 

NICOLE: Cancel me, I was wrong.

 

SASHEER: Wow. You gotta learn. Educate yourself.

 

NICOLE: I know. Educate myself. Ugh. “Pick another appetizer!” Oh, my God. “Appetizer.” I said that so strangely. I’m having trouble.

 

SASHEER: It’s okay. “Bruschetta.”

 

NICOLE: “Mozzarella sticks.”

 

SASHEER: “Kebabs.”

 

NICOLE: “Pizza pinwheels.”

 

SASHEER: You okay? We can take a minute if you need anything.

 

NICOLE: I think I’m hungry. I think I’m getting excited.

 

SASHEER: You’re just salivating. The words aren’t coming out.

 

NICOLE: I’m just so excited to see pictures of food.

 

SASHEER: “Brie and puff pastry bites.”

 

NICOLE: “Mini burgers.” Normally I think I would go for a mini burger, but I gotta say mini burgers–sliders–are usually so dry.

 

SASHEER: That is true.

 

NICOLE: And it’s so upsetting. You’re like, “Ooh, I’m getting a tiny hamburger.” But then it’s just dry and you’re like, “Well, that wasn’t worth it.” Sure, it was cute, but it wasn’t satisfying.

 

SASHEER: I’m not here for aesthetic.

 

NICOLE: No, I’m here to fucking fill up. I’m going to say a kebab.

 

SASHEER: I’m gonna say… I Actually might do a mini burger.

 

NICOLE: Wow. And you’re going to take a chance?

 

SASHEER: I’m going to take a chance, make a change, and break away. Hopefully it’s the moist mini burger. We’ll see.

 

NICOLE: I really hope so. Why don’t people like the word “moist”? I think it adequately describes things.

 

SASHEER: I don’t know. I guess… “Moist.”

 

NICOLE: People are like, “Ugh! Don’t say it!” Grow up.

 

SASHEER: Yeah. Is it slightly wet?

 

NICOLE: Yeah. Do you want me to say that? “How’s your burger? Is it slightly wet?”

 

SASHEER: Yeah, that’s way worse. Let me say “moist.”

 

NICOLE: Ooh. This bread is slightly wet.

 

SASHEER: Also, the mozzarella sticks reminded me of this tweet because, again, stay online. And there was a tweet that said, “Hey, do you want 12 cheese sticks?” I was like, “Ew! Gross. No way.” And they’re like, “What if we covered it in bread?” “Oh, absolutely. Yes, please.”

 

NICOLE: I mean, yeah, if you think about mozzarella sticks, they’re wild.

 

SASHEER: It’s just breaded string cheese.

 

NICOLE: And then deep fried, and then they’re like, “Hey, dip it in some tomato. Have a nice time.”

 

SASHEER: Yeah, it’s pretty funny.

 

NICOLE: I once did a scene. I think it was me and Jacob Wysocki. And the prop person Charlie came out and was like, “Hey, I need you guys not to eat any more mozzarella sticks. You guys have eaten 36, and I just don’t have that many more.” And we were like, “Oh no. Oopsie.”

 

SASHEER: Maybe the boxes each had 18. So maybe you went through two boxes and he’s like, “36 are gone.”

 

NICOLE: I’d like to think that he was like, “40 is too many for any human.”

 

SASHEER: “I have to stop them before that.”

 

NICOLE: We were like, “Nah. We’re going to do it. We’re going to finish it.”

 

SASHEER: “Pick a salad.”

 

NICOLE: “Strawberry balsamic.”

 

SASHEER: “Garden salad.”

 

NICOLE: “Shrimp salad.” What’s a shrimp salad?

 

SASHEER: I guess it’s just salad with shrimp in it. Y

 

NICOLE: Yeah. But, like, is there cheese? What kind of salad is it? I’ve never heard of a shrimp salad. Wait, go up. I know what a strawberry balsamic is. There’s strawberries in there and cheese and stuff and balsamic. A garden salad is, like, a normal salad. What the fuck is a shrimp salad? Is it like potato salad? Is there mayonnaise in it?

 

SASHEER: From this picture, it looks like a Caesar salad with shrimp on top of it.

 

NICOLE: No, it doesn’t. There’s tomatoes in it. There’s no tomatoes in a Caesar salad. Sasheer, come on.

 

SASHEER: Well, this is a shrimp salad.

 

NICOLE: Okay, so maybe a shrimp salad is a Caesar salad with just tomatoes and shrimp.

 

SASHEER: Maybe?

 

NICOLE: I mean, have you ever heard of a shrimp salad?

 

SASHEER: No.

 

JORDAN: From what I can find, it says, “A shrimp salad is usually made of perfectly cooked or chilled shrimp, crunchy celery and scallions, and a flavor packed, creamy dressing.” And then you scoop it with, like… You can put it in a croissant, or you can, like, scoop it with a chip or something like that. But it’s almost like the chicken salad version of shrimp, maybe.

 

NICOLE: Oh. Okay.

 

SASHEER: Okay. Does that answer your question?

 

NICOLE: I guess. But this doesn’t look like I’m scooping it with a cracker.

 

SASHEER: No, this does look like a salad with shrimp on top.

 

NICOLE: Yeah. Okay.

 

SASHEER: “Caesar salad.”

 

NICOLE: A “Caprese salad.”

 

SASHEER: “Cobb salad.”

 

NICOLE: I want to love a Cobb salad, but I do not like the hardboiled egg in it. And I do not like blue cheese.

 

SASHEER: So, you don’t like a Cobb salad.

 

NICOLE: You’re right, I think I don’t. I love a Caprese salad because it’s not a salad.

 

SASHEER: No, it’s not.

 

NICOLE: It’s cheese and tomatoes. A little basil. It’s so good. What are you going to pack?

 

SASHEER: I think I’m going to pick the strawberry balsamic.

 

NICOLE: Whoa! With the feta cheese?

 

SASHEER: Yeah, I like feta.

 

NICOLE: I don’t think I like feta.

 

SASHEER: It’s bettah.

 

NICOLE: No. Boo!

 

SASHEER: “Pick a main dish.”

 

NICOLE: “Spaghetti and meatballs.”

 

SASHEER: “Veggie burger.”

 

NICOLE: Oh, I know what you’re picking. “Salmon dish.”

 

SASHEER: “Cold noodle bowl with tofu.”

 

NICOLE: “Mushroom pizza?”

 

SASHEER: “Teriyaki chicken Bento box.”

 

NICOLE: What are you gonna pick, Sasheer?

 

SASHEER: It’s really tough for me, but I think I’m gonna go with the salmon dish. Judith’s already hovering over it. Yes, I’m gonna take the salmon dish.

 

NICOLE: You love salmon!

 

SASHEER: I do. I love salmon.

 

NICOLE: I like teriyaki chicken, and that’s what I’m gonna pick. Oh, I love teriyaki chicken. Did you know that about me?

 

SASHEER: I don’t think I did actually.

 

NICOLE: It’s good. “Pick another main dish.”

 

SASHEER: “Steak and fries.”

 

NICOLE: “Tomato soup as a main.”

 

SASHEER: “Chicken Alfredo.”

 

NICOLE: “Ramen.”

 

SASHEER: “Enchiladas.”

 

NICOLE: “Carnitas tacos.” Ooh, this is tough. I love a taco. I’m new to ramen–love ramen. Chicken Alfredo? Yum, yum, yum. Don’t mind if I do. Steak and fries? Well, that’s a classic.

 

SASHEER: So then…?

 

NICOLE: Gee whiz.

 

SASHEER: Golly gee.

 

NICOLE: Gosh darn. I think I’m going to pick the steak and fries.

 

SASHEER: Of course, you are! I can’t believe that wasn’t a quick decision.

 

NICOLE: Well, I really love ramen.

 

SASHEER: Wow. I’m so glad!

 

NICOLE: I love it. It’s so good. Emily Heller introduced me to ramen because I was like, “I don’t like soup.” She’s like, “You might like ramen.” And then I was like, “Wow, this is soup, but there’s chunkems. Lots of chunkems.”

 

SASHEER: “Lots of chunkems.”

 

NICOLE: And I love me a chunk.

 

SASHEER: I will do… I think I’ll do ramen.

 

NICOLE: Can I have some?

 

SASHEER: Yeah, we can share.

 

NICOLE: Okay. Thank you.

 

SASHEER: “Pick another main dish.”

 

NICOLE: Yes! We’re getting filled! Well, Sasheer, remember, we’re at a buffet. Buffets have multiple mains.

 

SASHEER: Oh, that’s so true.

 

NICOLE: That’s the glory of a buffet. You don’t have to choose one man. You can keep going back and getting exactly what you want. Okay?

 

SASHEER: That’s true.

 

NICOLE: “Pepperoni pizza.”

 

SASHEER: “Pho.”

 

NICOLE: I’ve never had pho, but that looks fun.

 

SASHEER: It does.

 

NICOLE: “Butter chicken.”

 

SASHEER: I just had that.

 

NICOLE: It’s so good.

 

SASHEER: It’s so good. “Dumplings.”

 

NICOLE: Dumplings are also so good. “Burrito.”

 

SASHEER: “Roast chicken with roasted veggies.”

 

NICOLE: I feel like it should be “roasted chicken.” What’s a “roast chicken.”

 

SASHEER: That’s why I had trouble reading that.

 

NICOLE: Oh, my God. Defund BuzzFeed. Okay. I think I’m going to go with that butter chicken, baby.

 

SASHEER: Nice. I’m gonna do the pepperoni pizza.

 

NICOLE: I knew you were. You love pizza!

 

SASHEER: I love pizza! There was a… Have you ever been to a Cici’s Pizza?

 

NICOLE: Is that–? That’s a buffet.

 

SASHEER: That is a buffet. That’s a pizza buffet with all kinds of pizza.

 

NICOLE: I think I went one time, and I don’t know why my mother wouldn’t bring me back there. And if I remember correctly– Oh, no, Pizza Hut just had a salad bar. And they had this blueberry pizza dessert that was delicious.

 

SASHEER: Now, this one’s a different Cici’s. We’re looking for “Cici” with an “I.” “Anything is pizzable.” Oh, I love this place.

 

NICOLE: Should we go to a Cici’s Pizza?

 

SASHEER: Yeah. Are they even in LA? I thought it was just a Midwest thing.

 

NICOLE: “Find your Cici’s.”

 

SASHEER: Let’s find our Cici’s!

 

NICOLE: Ooh, they have a lot. Oh, they don’t have none in California. That’s crazy. Well, what state Is closest to us? Arizona?

 

SASHEER: Yeah. Well, no, it looks like no, actually.

 

NICOLE: Where’s New Vegas? No. Where’s Las Vegas? Oh, my God.

 

SASHEER: Nevada? Not in Nevada.

 

JORDAN: The closest might be New Mexico or Colorado.

 

NICOLE: Colorado?

 

JORDAN: Yeah, that’s just a skip away.

 

NICOLE: Oh my God.

 

SASHEER: For a pizza buffet?

 

NICOLE: For a pizza buffet. Well, that’s wild. I guess we’re not going to go to a Cici’s.

 

SASHEER: Not any time soon.

 

NICOLE: Sorry about that. Pizza Hut used to have this, like, pizza dessert at the salad bar. It was, like, a blueberry pizza dessert. Am I making this up? Judith, do you mind? “Did Pizza Hut used to have a pizza dessert? There were several different topping options that you could find, including Apple AND cherry. The dessert pizza was often featured with a streusel, making them even more delectable. Sadly, you won’t find dessert pizzas on the Pizza Hut menu anymore.”

 

SASHEER: That is sad.

 

NICOLE: I mean, bring it back! Pizza Hut, bring that back. Applebee’s, bring back the Apple Chimicheesecake. Please!

 

SASHEER: The people want it!

 

NICOLE: This person wants it! “Pick a side dish.”

 

SASHEER: “Coleslaw.”

 

NICOLE: “Beans?”

 

SASHEER: “Mac and cheese.”

 

NICOLE: That looks dry as fuck. “Miso soup.”

 

SASHEER: “Cabbage roll.”

 

NICOLE: What the fuck is a cabbage roll? “Kimchi.”

 

SASHEER: I thought you were answering your own question. “What is a cabbage roll? Kimchi?” No. Kimchi is another option.

 

NICOLE: That cabbage roll looks sick.

 

SASHEER: “Cabbage roll. Ground pork or beef is mixed with sauteed caramelized onion and rice stuffed in a cabbage leaf, pickled sauerkraut, kraut leaf, or a grape leaf.” Okay.

 

NICOLE: That’s not for me.

 

SASHEER: Yeah, and that’s okay.

 

NICOLE: Yeah. That’s for other people. I’m gonna pick that dry ass mac and cheese. Do you like beans? Are you a bean girl?

 

SASHEER: I’ll eat a bean. Yeah.

 

NICOLE: So, you fuck with legumes?

 

SASHEER: Yeah, I like legumes. Maybe I’ll have beans.

 

NICOLE: Ew. If I ever saw you slopping up beans, you wouldn’t hear the end of it. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you slop a bean.

 

SASHEER: What about a barbecue? Baked beans.

 

NICOLE: I’ve been to a barbecue with you, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen you slop up beans.

 

SASHEER: I think maybe at the barbecues we’re going to people aren’t really making beans like that. But I feel like I eat beans when my family makes beans for different holidays or whatever.

 

NICOLE: Your family be making beans for the holidays?

 

SASHEER: We’re a legume family.

 

NICOLE: I’ve never had holiday beans.

 

SASHEER: Never? Baked beans.

 

NICOLE: I’ve never had holiday beans.

 

SASHEER: With, like, pork in it or something?

 

NICOLE: No, I’ve never had holiday beans.

 

SASHEER: What about black eyed peas, which are peas, I guess, technically?

 

NICOLE: Yeah. You have them on New Year’s.

 

SASHEER: Yeah, exactly.

 

NICOLE: My mother would make them every New Year’s. Maybe I’ll make them. No, I won’t be home. Are you going to pick beans?

 

SASHEER: I think I’ll pick beans.

 

NICOLE: Bean freak.

 

SASHEER: Oh, my God. I’m not going to take this.

 

NICOLE: “Pick another side dish.”

 

SASHEER: “Fries.”

 

NICOLE: “Rice.”

 

SASHEER: “Egg rolls.”

 

NICOLE: “Buffalo cauliflower.”

 

SASHEER: “Edamame.”

 

NICOLE: “Potato salad.” I haven’t thought about buffalo cauliflower in a while. It really took the fast casual dining scene by storm.

 

SASHEER: Yeah, it sure did. Are you reporting this to somewhere? Is this, like, a new segment? “It really took the fast casual scene by storm.”

 

NICOLE: “This is Nicole from ABC 11.” It did. You can’t escape buffalo cauliflower.

 

SASHEER: Big Cauliflower has taken over.

 

NICOLE: I think I’m gonna do fries.

 

SASHEER: I think I’ll also do fries.

 

NICOLE: I do love a fry.

 

SASHEER: “Finally, pick a dessert.”

 

NICOLE: “Cheesecake.”

 

SASHEER: “Baklava.”

 

NICOLE: “Cupcake.”

 

SASHEER: Those are cute little cupcakes. A “macaroon.”

 

NICOLE: “Donut.”

 

SASHEER: “Ice cream sundae.”

 

NICOLE: Ooh, that looks nasty–that ice cream sundae. That’s what I want.

 

SASHEER: Okay. I think I’m going to do a cute little cupcake.

 

NICOLE: Aww.

 

SASHEER: I like them. You pop them in, and then you’re done.

 

NICOLE: What is it? Oh, we’re in a family.

 

SASHEER: Oh, I totally forgot. “Eat a Buffet and We’ll Reveal Which Disney Family You Belong In.”

 

NICOLE: Pretty funny.

 

JUDITH: This is Sasheer’s.

 

SASHEER: I’m in the Incredibles family! “This is an epic family for an epic person. Are you a brave, confident, fearless, risk taker?” Not really. “Then this family is for you. Boring family functions are not your thing. Dinner? No thank you. Bungee jumping? Bring it on!”

 

NICOLE: I can’t believe her “read more” was just “Bring it on!”

 

SASHEER: That’s very funny.

 

NICOLE: I mean, weren’t you Mrs. Incredible at Disney?

 

SASHEER: I was, yeah. So, I guess they already knew. They could tell. They could read my energy.

 

NICOLE: Okay, so I’m the family from The Lady and the Tramp. I didn’t even know there was a family. Wasn’t it just the two dogs? “This is the perfect family for all those who appreciate the finer things in life,” yes, I do, “and love all things traditional and sophisticated.” I don’t know. “Pasta dinner nightly? Yes, please. Cute holiday decor? Always, of course.”

 

SASHEER: Okay. You love pasta.

 

NICOLE: I do love pasta. I also really do like that they made that dog look like a boy, and they made that dog look like a girl.

 

SASHEER: I know. Her ears are, like, long and wavy, like they’re hair.

 

NICOLE: I mean, like, creating these characters–what were the notes? “Make her ears look more like hair. We gotta make this dog look fuckable.”

 

SASHEER: Yeah. “I don’t wanna fuck this dog, so you got to go back to the drawing board.”

 

NICOLE: And then they come back and there’s tits on her and they’re like, “Too much!”

 

SASHEER: “This is a kids movie!”

 

NICOLE: She kind of does if you look.

 

SASHEER: Yeah. Her chest is very pronounced.

 

NICOLE: Yeah. That’s wild.

 

SASHEER: It is weird.

 

NICOLE: And then the boy dog kind of has a muscle arm.

 

SASHEER: Yeah, he has, like, biceps.

 

NICOLE: Disney. Sick!

 

SASHEER: I mean, I do feel like Disney is solely responsible for, like, kids growing up wanting to, like, sexually objectify animals–not in real life, but, you know, cartoons.

 

NICOLE: I mean, I think most of us think the beast is hotter as a beast and not as a human.

 

SASHEER: Oh, absolutely.

 

NICOLE: And that’s Disney’s fault because they could have made him cuter as a human and they chose not to.

 

SASHEER: Yeah, it was very strange. Like, why did you choose to draw him that way? There must have been so many meetings. Should we answer a question?

 

NICOLE: Jordan has a question.

 

JORDAN: Judith, can I share something really fast? I found the dumbest article. It’s stupid. So, I found Disney’s Hottest Animated Animal Characters Ranked.

 

SASHEER: Oh, my God. “The scientific explanation for thinking they’re sexy.”

 

NICOLE: That scene where Nala and Simba are tumbling–Nala is giving bedroom eyes.

 

SASHEER: She really is. Look at her.

 

NICOLE: She’s like, “Come on.” “Bernard from The Rescuers?” Let’s do the top ten.

 

SASHEER: I’m sorry. Yeah. Like, what? We’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel here.

 

NICOLE: Okay. “#10 Lady from The Lady and the Tramp.”

 

SASHEER: “She is absolutely stunning, has long, curly brown ears that swish when she walks and a shiny, blue and gold collar. Despite her refined upbringing, she has a warm personality that shines through her big, expressive eyes.” Okay. “Hot Tiger from Zootopia.” Oh, he is… Yeah.

 

NICOLE: “He leaves a lasting impression. Hot Tiger is thick and muscular. We only see him traveling on Zootopia’s public transportation for a few seconds. But that’s enough to leave us fantasizing.” Oh my God.

 

SASHEER: “Nick Wilde from Zootopia.” The Fox.

 

NICOLE: I don’t know about that.

 

SASHEER: “He has a sly smile and a mischievous wit.” I can see that.

 

NICOLE: Eh. All right. Nala is #7. “With her regal presence and sleek looks, Nala is a queen long before she takes a seat next to Simba on the throne. “While she’s a beautiful lion with golden fur and hypnotic green eyes, what makes Nala so attractive is her feminine strength and confidence.” Ooh, yes.

 

SASHEER: Simba’s #6. He’s my #1 honestly. “Part-brooding lion Hamlet, part-goofball. Embracing the Hakuna Matata lifestyle, Simba is one of the dreamiest beasts of the African savanna.”

 

NICOLE: Wow. Basil the Great Mouse Detective is #5? “Ride or die for Basil. Sure, he’s only a few inches tall, but he has the sexiest British accent.” Get out of here.

 

SASHEER: Oh, this is for absolutely my crush. Roxanne from A Goofy Movie.

 

NICOLE: Is that Disney, though?

 

SASHEER: Yeah.

 

NICOLE: Oh. She’s hot. She’s thick.

 

SASHEER: “Roxanne is a true girl next door. Even though she’s popular and impossibly gorgeous, her kindhearted demeanor and sporty style make her seem approachable.” That’s all we want is someone who’s hot but approachable.

 

NICOLE: I also like that she has cankles. Like, whoever drew her was like, “Okay, cankles are hot, and I’ll prove it to you.” And they’re hot on her. “Beret Girl from An Extremely Goofy Movie.” I don’t think I’ve seen An Extremely Goofy Movie.

 

JORDAN: That one’s pretty good, too. It’s really funny. It’s when Max goes to college. This is, like, Max’s college girlfriend.

 

NICOLE: Wow. She is hot. “I don’t want to just be with Beret Girl, I want to be her. Beret Girl oozes a hip sophistication with her all-black ensemble.” Maybe I’ll watch that tonight.

 

SASHEER: Maybe I will, too. Oh, Kovu’s hot, too. “Kovu from the Lion King II: Simba’s Pride. Kovu is the ultimate bad boy. The tortured emo son of Scar’s disciple, Zira, just wants to be understood.” Yeah.

 

NICOLE: Okay. “Robin Hood from Robin Hood.” People really, really go hard for Robin Hood. And I’m just so-so on him.

 

SASHEER: I think people have something for, like, a sneaky fox. I don’t know.

 

NICOLE: Maybe. “He is a bad boy with good intentions, steals from the rich, and gives to the poor.” I don’t know. Where’s Aladdin? Where is he on that list?

 

SASHEER: Or Jasmine.

 

JORDAN: Well, no, this was just the animal characters.

 

NICOLE: Oh, I forgot. I absolutely forgot.

 

SASHEER: Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

 

JORDAN: We can find another article that ranks all the princesses and princes.

 

NICOLE: Well, I’m glad Flounder wasn’t on there because Flounder is a child.

 

SASHEER: I’m also glad Flounder wasn’t on there.

 

NICOLE: Should we answer a question?

 

SASHEER: Yeah. We probably only have time for one.

 

NICOLE: “Hi, Nicole and Sasheer. I have a friendship question. My pronouns are she/her, as are my friends. I have this friend, Alice. We used to be super close. We spent some holidays with each other’s family when we couldn’t afford to fly home. And I still chat with her mom sometimes. A few years ago, Alice was packing for a cross-country move and we were talking on the phone and I said something that upset her. I honestly don’t remember exactly what it was. I thought it was a joke, but apparently, I hit a nerve. Every time I tried to apologize–call, text, a literal handwritten letter–I got no response, so I figured friendship over, which was rough. But you can’t force someone to be friends with you. I could accept that and move on.”

 

SASHEER: “Except it wasn’t over. After about six months of no contact, Alice started sending me memes on Instagram–just one to two a week. This sounds innocuous, but we used to be really good friends. And I know for a fact that she keeps a mental list of people to keep in touch with to, like, maintain her circle or something. I never really understood it, but it always felt like a sales/political mindset to me, and I’m apparently on that list. The kicker is that I don’t really love animals, which she knows, and nine out of ten of these reels she’ll send are cute animals of some sort. Theoretically, they should be universally beloved, which is why I know she sends the same one to multiple people. But they’re not beloved by me. It’s been about three years of this. And it hurts my feelings every time I get a bunny video because it’s just a reminder that we’re not really friends anymore. I don’t know what to do because it’s literally just a reel in my inbox a few times a week, but I actively hate it. Every notification makes me feel bad. I want to tell her, ‘Just be my friend or don’t. But don’t keep me in this weird acquaintance limbo.’ But we really don’t talk anymore, so that feels insane to do. I also send her reels back. Am I just enabling this by responding? Please help me. Thanks.”

 

NICOLE: So, they’ve been in friendship limbo for three years.

 

SASHEER: Yeah.

 

NICOLE: I know on Instagram you can, like, hide new messages, I think, or, like, block. They send the message, but you just don’t see it. So, you could do that if you really don’t want to have the conversation because if you’ve made your peace not being friends with this person, I guess I’m like, “Why open a can of worms and be like, ‘What’s going on?’”

 

SASHEER: Yeah, that’s true because what would be the goal by having a talk with this person to be like, “Why are you sending me memes but not talking to me about what happened?” Yeah, I think you can mute a conversation.

 

NICOLE: I would just do that. I would just mute it.

 

SASHEER: It also doesn’t sound like this person even needs you to respond. If they’re just sending blanket general bunny videos to everybody they have ever met, it doesn’t sound like they’re waiting for your response. They’re not waiting for, like, a “haha” or a conversation, so if you mute them, maybe they won’t notice.

 

NICOLE: And then maybe if they do notice and they’re like, “Oh, they’re not sending me memes back,” maybe they’ll be the one to be like, “Why aren’t you sending memes back?” And you could be like, “Well, we got into that fight. We’re not really talking anymore.” This one’s a little tough for me because–I mean, honestly, me personally–I would just ignore it. I would just be like, “I don’t want to see this anymore.”

 

SASHEER: I think that’s what I would do, too, unless you genuinely miss this person. But I think I’d also be very confused that she went no contact and then six months later just started sending very generic memes to me.

 

NICOLE: Yeah, that’s a little weird.

 

SASHEER: If I did do something that bothered my friend, I would just want them to tell me, especially after I apologized profusely. Even a handwritten letter? Are you kidding me? I don’t even write things anymore with my hand. It hurts.

 

NICOLE: You know, in the last three years, I’ve never seen Sasheer write a thing down.

 

SASHEER: I can’t! I can’t hold a pen anymore. I’m not dexterious like that anymore. Is that the word?

 

NICOLE: She has no more dexterity.

 

SASHEER: I have no more dexterity.

 

NICOLE: She eats out of a bucket because she can’t even hold a fork.

 

SASHEER: I just put the food right on a plate and then I eat it like a trough.

 

NICOLE: And I hit the bottom of it to help it go in her mouth.

 

SASHEER: So, if I put a pen in my hand and I mold my fingers around it and, in such a painful manner, scribble out a letter for you and you don’t respond to me, it’s done.

 

NICOLE: Yeah, I think that’s a wrap. I think we just mute this conversation. And then in a month, see if they’ve written you something.

 

SASHEER: Yeah.

 

NICOLE: Yeah. You don’t got it.

 

SASHEER: You don’t got it!

 

NICOLE: You don’t got to respond, is what I was trying to say. But my brain just stopped.

 

SASHEER: Yeah. All right.

 

NICOLE: We did it!

 

SASHEER: We did it. Solved. If you have any questions or queries, you can email nicoleandsasheer@gmail.com, or call or text or leave a voice memo at (424) 645-7003.

 

NICOLE: If you want to rep us with merch, we got it at podswag.com/bestfriends.

 

SASHEER: If you want to read instead of listen to our episodes, we got it! Check them out on our show page at earwolf.com.

 

NICOLE: If you think we’re all that and a bag of chips, don’t forget to rate, review ,and subscribe. It’s the easiest way to support these chips.

 

SASHEER: All right, my sistah!

 

NICOLE: Yes, girl! Ooh!

 

SASHEER: Bye.

 

NICOLE: Bye.