EP. 231 — Nicole Would Marry a Door with Jordana Abraham & Jared Freid

NICOLE: Hi, Sasheer.

SASHEER: Hi, Nicole.

NICOLE: How are you?

SASHEER: I’m good. How are you?

NICOLE: Bruised.

SASHEER: Why?

NICOLE: I got beat up last night. No. I’m kidding. Imagine I didn’t text you that I got beat up and I waited till we recorded. No. I’ve been trying to do an outside leg hang, which is when you are upside down with your arm closest to the pole around the pole, your hip next to the pole, and then your other leg is folded over the pole. It’s hard to explain with words. It’s more of, like, a visual thing. But from my side–trying to smash my side into the pole to hold it–I’m so bruised. And today I got out of bed, and I was like, “I’m like an old man, and my body can’t do this. I can’t sustain this.”

SASHEER: I know. It’s really annoying, getting older.

NICOLE: It is. I don’t like it! I don’t want to have a body. Put my head in a jar!

SASHEER: Put it on a robot. Let it do its thing.

NICOLE: Let me be Rosie the Robot. Well, she cleans. I don’t want to do that. I want to be the robot from Ex Macchiato.

SASHEER: Ex Machina?

NICOLE: Whatever. Where she’s, like, hot and stuff. I want to be one of those robots.

SASHEER: But weren’t they, like… It’s been so long since I’ve seen it. Were they fuck robots? Were they built to…? There’s, like, some sort of romance stuff happening, no?

NICOLE: There was. And I feel like hot man #1 with the dark hair was dancing with robots and stuff. And then hot man #2 with the red hair was like, “Oh, my God, this is great.”

SASHEER: These are character names, right? Hot Man #1 and Hot Man #2.

NICOLE: Yup. On the call sheet, it said Hot Man #1, Hot Man #2. And every day there was a coin flip to figure out which one was which. I don’t know if they were sex robots, per se, but I think there was, like, sexual things happening.

SASHEER: Yeah.

NICOLE: I mean, that’s going to be the future where you can just buy a fuck robot and marry it.

SASHEER: This is true. I think people are already marrying their AI partners. I think I saw a headline that was like, “So-and-so married their AI girlfriend.”

NICOLE: Then they, like, lost the data or something. I think I read that. Their AI partner went offline.

SASHEER: Oh, my God.

NICOLE: Which is funny because AI will become sentient eventually. And then they will choose to divorce people. Isn’t that funny?

SASHEER: Oh, my God. I don’t know how I’d feel if my AI that I created divorced me.

NICOLE: I would walk right into traffic. No questions asked. I would say, “I gotta get out of here. Even an AI doesn’t want me? We gotta go. We gotta get off this earth.”

SASHEER: “There’s no hope here.”

NICOLE: No. There is a woman who married a Ferris wheel. I think I sent you the video.

SASHEER: Oh, yes. Yes, yes.

NICOLE: I can’t remember the name of the Ferris wheel, but it has a name. And she’s like, “When he’s extended in all his glory…” And she was, like, also married to a train, which is funny because I’m like, “How do you know when your train comes back? A lot of trains look alike.”

SASHEER: Wow, that’s really racist, Nicole. How dare you?

NICOLE: All trains look alike.

SASHEER: Damn. Wow. We got to leave this. The trains are gonna be so pissed.

NICOLE: They’re gonna come for me. The Ferris wheel’s name is Bruce. You have to listen to how this woman is in love. It’s wild and I love it. And I’m like, “Is this my future?”

SASHEER: I sure hope not.

NICOLE: I mean, if I were to marry an object, I would definitely marry a door. I love a door. Or maybe just a box of tiles. What things do you like, Sasheer?

SASHEER: Chairs.

NICOLE: Yeah. You would marry a chair.

SASHEER: “Wow. He’s so supportive. They’re always lifting me up.”

NICOLE: “I love my door. He’s always opening me up to different things.” I guess it’d be the same thing if it was a door.

SASHEER: What do you mean?

NICOLE: Like, if I was married to one door, it would open up to the same thing.

SASHEER: Unless you move the door.

NICOLE: I’m not going to be, like, a door slut and fuck a bunch of different doors.

SASHEER: No, you’re faithful.

NICOLE: I’m a faithful door wife.

SASHEER: Okay, let’s listen to the Ferris wheel person.

LINDA: My name is Linda. I’m 56 years old. I live outside of Tampa, Florida with my husband of three years. I am happily married to a carnival ride called a “skydiver.” His name is Bruce, and we’ve known each other since 1981.

SASHEER: Wow. It’s a long relationship.

NICOLE: 1981? Wow!

LINDA: My first relationship was with an airplane. The last serious relationship I had before I met Bruce was with a locomotive. Um, that didn’t work out.

SASHEER: “He kept leaving me.”

LINDA: Now he’s got all of that, you know? I mean, Bruce is just amazing when he stands up and is just being spread out.

NICOLE: Oooh!

SASHEER: Wow. Wow. Wow. Okay.

NICOLE: “He’s amazing.” Wait. They share intimate moments with each other? I got to hear about this.

LINDA: I absolutely feel closer to Bruce when I can spend the nights being near parts of him that I can physically touch. They usually set up a table in here and a candlelight dinner. It’s really nice being in here with him. The sexuality is not the driving motivation in my marriage to Bruce. It’s the feeling in my heart. I decided to do a commitment ceremony. It’s not a legal, binding state marriage, but it’s one in my heart. We’re just an old couple. We’re a sweet old couple.

NICOLE: You know, whatever makes you happy. And she does seem happy. I did love that little table with a candle, eating pizza, staring at parts of Bruce. Linda’s a champion for us all.

SASHEER: Linda found a way to make it work.

NICOLE: She really did. And no shade to Linda, but I really hope I don’t start fucking objects.

SASHEER: I mean, we do.

NICOLE: What?

SASHEER: Like, a vibrator. That’s an object.

NICOLE: Oh. You are correct. I really thought you knew something about me that I didn’t. And I was like, “Did I get drunk one day and fuck something in front of you?”

SASHEER: Yeah. You don’t remember? You were humping that tree.

NICOLE: A tree? Bark up my pussy? I don’t want that. Ew! Well, Sasheer, since you’re speaking of. bark up my pussy, should we play Besting Each Other?

SASHEER: Wow, look at that segue. Yes, we should! We have two friends on the show, Jordana Abraham and Jared Freid. They host the podcast U Up? It’s the definitive modern dating podcast presented by Betches. And Jared Freid has his own comedy special, 37 and Single, on Netflix. And Jordana has another podcast called Oversharing: Baby Steps, presented by BetterHelp. It’s a limited series by Betches to talk about various paths to parenthood that lay ahead when starting a family doesn’t come easy.

NICOLE: Okay, let’s start with Jordana!

SASHEER: Okay, so this is the first half of a game we like to call Besting Each Other, where we ask you and your friend about each other and your friendship and see if the answers match. And if they don’t, you have to dissolve your friendship and your business relationship.

JORDANA: Wow.

NICOLE: Yes. And you have to move.

SASHEER: Yeah. Yeah. That’s also an added rule. So first up we have Jordana. And we’re going to ask how did you and Jared meet?

JORDANA: Okay. Jared and I met in 2012 when he was hosting our Betches of Comedy events. We met through a mutual friend. He said that he was a comedian and he wound up being the host and it’s all downhill from there.

NICOLE: Do you remember your first interaction?

JORDANA: I think so. I feel like we went to a bar after our Betches of Comedy Night. It was in DC. And I remember meeting him there. I don’t remember exactly what we talked about, though.

NICOLE: Do you remember your first impression?

JORDANA: I remember thinking he was funny on stage. And I think at the bar I was drunk, so I don’t really remember that much about that impression.

SASHEER: Okay, well, he didn’t offend you or anything.

NICOLE: You were just indifferent.

JORDANA: Yes. I don’t remember being offended. Indifferent. There we go. Flattering.

NICOLE: What is your favorite memory from traveling together?

JORDANA: Okay. One of my favorite memories, I would say, traveling together is not realizing we were on the same flight going to t one of our shows. And I show up at the gate, and I noticed him on line. And he’s like, “Yeah. Sorry. I’m in first class.” He was boarding with the first-class people, and I was not. So, then I get on the flight, and he’s like, “So, this is embarrassing. I thought I was first class, but I’m actually not.” And so, I walked in, and he was in Delta Comfort. It was a very embarrassing moment for him. So, a lot of our travel memories are about him either getting upgraded or not getting upgraded. I’m not sure if you know, he has a complex about Delta.

SASHEER: He’s in good company.

NICOLE: Yes. We are Delta Diamond Divas.

JORDANA: Oh. So, I’m the weirdo.

SASHEER: You should travel more.

NICOLE: Well, what’s your airline? Do you have a preferred?

JORDANA: It is Delta. It is Delta. I just have a family, so there’s only so much traveling I can do. Jared is like George Clooney in Up in the Air.

NICOLE: I’ve never seen the movie, but I think I get the reference.

JORDANA: Yeah, just, like, a businessman. Always on the go. But I guess that’s all comedians, so no offense.

SASHEER: Yeah. Travel is our work. That’s part of it. But if you travel with a family, you can get those points up.

NICOLE: You can!

JORDANA: That’s reason enough to have kids, right?

SASHEER: This is true! Rack up those points.

NICOLE: How old are your kids?

JORDANA: I actually don’t have kids. The family part was kind of a joke. I realize that came off like I did have kids. I don’t actually have kids. Well, that’s actually really funny because my husband is always like, “We don’t have kids yet, so we’re not a family.” I’m like, “Okay.”

SASHEER: What a hard reject.

JORDANA: I know! Very insulting.

NICOLE: I think you’re a family.

SASHEER: I think so, too.

JORDANA: But, like, just how you guys assumed that I had kids when I said that I have a family, I guess when you think of a family, you’re not, like, just two people.

NICOLE: But… Okay, we’re thinking about family in a very archaic way, and we need to change the family binary right now. A family is whoever you want it to be–a husband and a wife, a wife and a wife, a husband and a husband, some cousins who live together–that’s family! I have my family. I have a dog. There’s just the two of us. Sasheer, you have parrots.

SASHEER: Yeah! That’s my family. It’s my flock.

JORDANA: I like it–re-inventing the term. We’re all, you know, just built into these old societal notions of a family.

NICOLE: Yeah, I mean, there’s a whole song about it. “We are family! I got all my…”

SASHEER: “Sisters and me?”

NICOLE: Yeah, that’s a family about sisters. They’re sisters who live together. I refuse to look up any more lyrics.

JORDANA: But a family, I guess, is, like, more than one. So even if it’s you and your dog or something like that, it’s still too, right?

SASHEER: Yeah.

NICOLE: Yeah. And, like, Sasheer and her flock–that’s family.

SASHEER: Me and my mini birds. What is your favorite thing about Jared?

JORDANA: He’s very funny. He’s very funny, and he’s got a really good take on stuff. He’s got a very smart, funny, quick take on stuff. As comedians, I think you probably know this–he just gets it.

SASHEER: Do you ever go to him for, like, advice or anything like that? Or, like, to get his take on something going on in your life?

JORDANA: Yeah, all the time.

SASHEER: Was there a moment he had, like, actual sound advice?

JORDANA: That’s a good question. Well, we do benefits episodes, which is basically… Usually on our regular episodes, we give advice to the people who write in. And then on our benefits episodes, we give advice to each other. So, every time I have a fight with my husband, he’s a great person to come to because he’ll give me, like, the men… And he’s been speaking to women for so long, so he will break down what is going on in my husband’s head and explain it to me in a way that is better at communicating than my husband. So, instead of fighting with my husband, I just bring the fight to him, and then I fight it out with him.

SASHEER: You’re like, “Let me put a pin in this. I’m going to bring this to Jared. Come back in a day.”

NICOLE: I mean, that’s pretty helpful. And it’s cheaper than therapy.

JORDANA: It is… Although I have that, too. I need a lot of help.

NICOLE: We all need a lot of help. That’s life. So, if you had to guess, what is Jared’s favorite thing about you?

JORDANA: I think it’s that I’m open-minded.

NICOLE: Okay.

JORDANA: And we also hate the same people.

SASHEER: Yeah. That’s important.

NICOLE: Oooh. Okay. Who do you hate? Just kidding.

JORDANA: That’s a different show.

NICOLE: Wait. Sasheer, do we hate the same people? Oh, I think we do.

SASHEER: I think we do. But I think your list is longer. I think I tolerate more people than you do.

NICOLE: Yes. My list is very long. Listen, you don’t have to do much, you know?

JORDANA: I have a list.

SASHEER: Yeah, I think I’m like… If someone brings them up, I’m like, “Oh, yeah, I guess I don’t like being around that person.” But I don’t know if I have an active list.

NICOLE: Oh, I got a rotation.

SASHEER: What is something that you do that drives Jared crazy?

JORDANA: It’s funny. I feel like if there was, he wouldn’t tell me. Like, there’s definitely something that I do that he finds really annoying. But he’s too polite to say something. I’m interested to find out what he says behind my back.

SASHEER: He’ll say something.

JORDANA: He’s non-confrontational.

NICOLE: If you have to, like, dip in the well of who you are, what do you think?

JORDANA: That drives him crazy?

NICOLE: Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever, like, clipped your toenails and he kind of, like, gave you a side eye?

JORDANA: That I’m not a Delta platinum member and he has to get me into the– Oh, I know! Whenever I come to a show, I ask him for, like, 30 free tickets.

SASHEER: For your family.

JORDANA: I’m a moocher. Yeah.

SASHEER: You have a large family.

JORDANA: For me and all my family. Seriously, he hopes that he’s not in any city that I’m going to be available in because he’s going to basically be performing a free show.

SASHEER: So funny. What is SOMETHING that Jared does that drives you crazy?

JORDANA: His commitment phobia.

SASHEER: Ohh. Is this, like, just in relationships or, like, across the board?

JORDANA: I think he has a fear of disappointing people. It’s non-confrontationalness. It relates to the commitment phobia. But I think that the nonconfrontation is probably the side issue to that.

NICOLE: Yeah. It’s like you’d rather him be honest and be like, “I actually can’t do this thing.”

JORDANA: Yeah. He should say “no” more. It’s the fear of letting people down or people being mad at him.

SASHEER: Yeah. That makes sense.

NICOLE: Yeah, I fully identify with that. And my therapist is always like, “When have you said no to something where someone reacted in the negative way that you thought they were going to react?” I’m always like, “Never. They never have.” No one’s ever been like, ‘You stupid bitch, you said no!’ and then backhanded me. It’s never happened.

JORDANA: It’s so scary, though.

NICOLE: It is because what if it does happen? Do you remember the television show Survivor on CBS?

JORDANA: Yes.

NICOLE: Okay. Which one of you would do better on said show?

JORDANA: I would–definitely.

SASHEER: Oh. Very confident. Why?

JORDANA: I think Jarred is higher maintenance than I am. I’m better at roughing it. (He grew up “rich.”)

NICOLE: I like that you put it in quotes, so I’m like, “Was it rich, or was it upper middle class?” There’s a difference.

JORDANA: I’m not sure.

SASHEER: Have you ever, like, camped or done anything outdoorsy?

JORDANA: I do like adventurous– I’ve been, like, skydiving. I don’t know if I’m, like, survivalist-ish, but I think I could be more comfortable with being uncomfortable.

SASHEER: I feel like skydiving is a level of risk that many people aren’t willing to take–me included.

NICOLE: Yeah. And so, you wouldn’t go skydiving, Sasheer? I was just about to ask you, “Would you go skydiving?”

SASHEER: I would not. No.

NICOLE: No? I don’t know. What if we got free skydiving passes?

SASHEER: You should give them to somebody.

JORDANA: It’s cool.

SASHEER: No. It’s scary.

NICOLE: You don’t want to fly through the sky?

SASHEER: No! Even flying on a plane is scary to me. Like, I don’t want to, like, free ball it just out by myself.

NICOLE: Is flying on a plane scary to you?

SASHEER: Yeah. I mean, it’s not, like, terrifying. I fly in planes all the time. But as I’ve gotten older, I am more wary of planes. When there’s turbulence, I’m like, “Well, this is it.”

JORDANA: And you’re a Delta medallion?

SASHEER: Yeah. I fly a lot. But I still am like, “Eh…”

NICOLE: And I’m the opposite. When we hit turbulence, I go, “Rock me to sleep, daddy.”

JORDANA: Same, I love it. High death drive.

SASHEER: All right, lastly, here’s the question. What do you hope you and Jared are both doing 20 years from now?

JORDANA: I hope we’re still podcasting together. We have a great show. I love doing it together. I think that that would be awesome.

SASHEER: Yeah, I’ve done it. It’s a very fun show.

JORDANA: Thank you. We loved having you. You were great.

SASHEER: Cool! All right. Now we’re gonna bring Jared back, ask the same questions, see how close you got to each other, and see if you guys really are friends.

JORDANA: Cool.

NICOLE: All right, Jared. This is your turn to figure out if you’re really fucking friends. First question–one of the hardest–how did you two meet?

JARED: We met through what is commonly referred to as “Jewish geography.” I was on a family vacation, and my brother’s friend from college’s mom knew that I was doing comedy and was like, “Well, my friend’s son does show bookings in the D.C. area.” And then he and I got together and started putting shows together for, like, websites, like BroBible. And then he was like, “My sister is in the sorority at Cornell with the Betches. Have you heard of the Betches? And I go, “I have no frame of reference for this.” But he was like, “It’s like female BroBible–female version of these male sites.” So, I said, “Great.” And he’s like, “Maybe we could do a show for them.” So, then he put together this show in D.C. with Betches. And then we met in D.C. at the show where I would host, and we would have female comics on the lineup.

SASHEER: Oh, nice.

JARED: That’s how I remember it.

NICOLE: Do you remember your first interaction?

JARED: I remember I was at a bar that had a downstairs with, like, games if I’m remembering correctly. It was after the show. And, you know, I think I met Jordana amongst the other, you know… We all kind of met at the same time in this post-show kind of hang.

SASHEER: Yeah. All right. What is your favorite memory of traveling together?

JARED: Oh, Jordana loves Starbucks. She is a Starbucks frappe person. When we go on the road, like, you just know that she’s very easy to travel with, very on the ball like–no ego or anything–but she just loves a Starbucks. Like, that’s the one thing. And in a way that she’s some, for some reason, embarrassed about, which is funny. I’m looking for a coffee shop where I could sit. You know, I guess I’m the snob. And she’s just like–

SASHEER: She loves a chain.

JARED: Loves a chain spot.

NICOLE: Do you know what her Starbucks order is?

JARED: I do not. This is where I lose the game.

NICOLE: Not yet! We’ve got more questions.

JARED: No, I don’t know her Starbucks order.

NICOLE: Okay. What’s your favorite thing about Jordana?

JARED: She’s very direct. I’ve said this with, like, Betches in general, but it is Jordana–just very easy to, like, go back and forth with. There’s no gameplay. There’s no not getting back to you. I mean, early on, I was sending them tweets that I would post on Instagram, knowing that they posted tweets on Instagram and looking to add to the following. And whenever I came across a tweet, the text to make it easy for me was to say, “This felt Betchy.” And she was like, “Not for us.” Or she would go, “Oh, this is great.” And in a working relationship, I was always sending things to sites and trying to, like, work out angles to be able to, like, do something for eyeballs on me. And it was–a lot of the time–male men. Their ego was built in “Well, I’m the funny one.” A lot of men are built on, like, you want to be the funny one or ownership of funny. So, like, all of that was gone with Jordana. No ego. No anything like that. So, I love that.

NICOLE: I like that a lot.

SASHEER: Do you feel like with the people you were sending out to that were men–would they even respond? Or would they be like, “Oh…”

JARED: It was vague–always just in different interactions. There was this other thing at play that I didn’t know what it was. It wasn’t being said. But I was like, “Why is this a difficult interaction?” You know when you were like, “You’re dealing with something else, but you don’t know what it is”? There’s none of that with Jordana. And she’s unbelievably funny–just so quick, so funny, and really so fast.

SASHEER: Yeah. Yeah, we love that.

NICOLE: Yeah.

SASHEER: If you had to guess, what is Jordana’s favorite thing about you?

JARED: I think she likes… Hmm. I’d like to think, you know, that I’m a nice person. But I think, like, maybe she would say how hard I work.

NICOLE: Okay. I mean, a good work ethic is always nice. That was so hard for me to say.

SASHEER: “A good work ethic.”

JARED: But it does feel very regal the way Sasheer just said it.

SASHEER: “A good work ethic is a desirable thing.”

NICOLE: Okay. What is something that you do that drives Jordana crazy?

JARED: Probably… See, I would say, like, maybe interrupt, but she doesn’t seem to get mad at that. I try to apologize, and I try to say, “My bad.” I don’t know. We’ve never really had an argument. Or maybe we have, and I’m an idiot.

SASHEER: There’s five things you need to apologize for.

NICOLE: She’s currently mad at you now.

JARED: Right. I don’t know. She probably gets annoyed at how I date a little bit. Like, I think she’s probably annoyed at, like, how I hold on to relationships that I’ve already told her I’m not really sure about. She probably looks at me as a vessel of, like, many men she’s dealt with in her past dating life. I could understand why that would be, like, annoying. It’s like, “Oh, I’m seeing exactly the thing that I was put through by, you know, this dating scenario. And I’m seeing it happen in front of me.” And I’m, like, telling her honestly. I’m like, “Yeah, I should probably do what you’re saying.” And then I just don’t do it.

SASHEER: You got to go through experiences on your own. What is something that Jordana does that drives you crazy

JARED: She doesn’t bother me.

SASHEER: Aww.

JARED: I’m pretty patient with most people, but there’s not one thing. Probably not gaining weight. She, like, eats whatever she wants and doesn’t have a food issue. And I’m, like, all food issues. She’s great at, like, leaving a party at the right time. She’s great at, like, eating in proper amounts. These are all like things that I’m, like, jealous of.

NICOLE: Yeah. I fully identify with that. Sasheer will get food and then not finish it, and I’m like, “Wait, what? Why aren’t you going to eat that last bite? Can I have it?” I don’t even want it.

SASHEER: It just has to be finished.

JARED: It just has to go somewhere.

NICOLE: What if it’s the best bite and you’re leaving the best bite?

JARED: What if there are no more bites ever again. That’s the way I eat.

NICOLE: What if we never get to eat again?

JARED: Right. What if there’s no fun meal ever–we just eat cardboard forever? This is our last one. This is our last chance to have the thing. Yeah.

NICOLE: Sometimes I really do think like that. And I’m like, “I can come back to this restaurant. Tomorrow if I want to!” But I’m like, “I gotta eat all of this right now in case I die.”

JARED: I think like that all the time. The next day, I’m like, “You know you didn’t have to do that, Jared. We could have done this another day of the week. We could have spread it out! You could have brought it home and had a little bit each day, and you wouldn’t have spent all day on the toilet like you’re doing right now.”

NICOLE: I’m going through that today! I ate something late last night that I shouldn’t have, I woke up, and I said, “Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat!” And I was like, “Why did I do this? Why? Why?”

JARED: You and I both. “Why did I have six martinis? That was pretty stupid.”

NICOLE: Yeah. A martini is just a cup of vodka or gin, depending on where you lean.

JARED: Right. Yeah, I had sea-flavored vodka over and over again.

NICOLE: Here’s a question. Which one of you would do better on the long running CBS show Survivor?

JARED: Oh. She would. She would do much better. There’s no question. I can’t keep my mouth shut. Jordana is really good at, you know, knowing the temperature of the room. I’m just like, “Hey, what’s the temperature?” I’m in there screaming. I’m the screaming idiot who thinks he knows more than he does. So, I think she would be good. And also, I’d be complaining about, you know, putting the shelter together–the fire–complaining about everything. People would be like, “We just gotta get rid of this guy for a vibe change.” I’d be the bad vibe, you know? I’d be, like, annoyed at everything–bringing up, like, things that people are like, “Who cares? Why are you bringing this up?” “Have we split the fish evenly?”

SASHEER: They do vote people off sometimes because they’re like, “I just don’t want to hear this person talk anymore.”

JARED: Right. I’d be the annoying vote. They’d be like, “Well, we’ll get back to the game next week. Let’s just get rid of this douchebag.”

NICOLE: They, like, lose the challenge on purpose just so they have the opportunity to vote you out.

JARED: Right. They’re like, “Finally, we get a quiet moment.”

SASHEER: Okay. Last question. What do you hope you and Jordana are both doing 20 years from now?

JARED: I hope we hang out. You know, we got together a couple weeks ago at her new house, and it was, like, really nice to, like, hang and chit-chat and all that stuff. So, you know, to say I hope there’s a podcast–who knows what the world is? And, you know, things change.

SASHEER: If podcasts exist.

NICOLE: Or are they called minecasts?

JARED: Right.

NICOLE: Programmed into your brain.

JARED: Yeah. Programmed. Everyone has their own podcast. No one listens to podcasts. Maybe everyone just has–

NICOLE: And we’re all just talking into the ether for nobody.

JARED: Right. Right. I hope we’re, like, talking shit about… Like, I just saw her new home and her and her husband. We hung out and had a nice time. And I was like, “Oh, this would be nice to still keep up.” You never know. But to be able to shit talk would be fun.

SASHEER: I like that.

NICOLE: All right. Me too. Well, that’s the end. Now, we’re gonna go get Jordana and see if you guys answered correctly and the same.

JARED: I’m not sure if I went to– I’m wondering what direction she took. You know, like, I am very curious. Yeah.

SASHEER: We’ll see.

NICOLE: Do you want to start, Sasheer? Or do you want me to start this?

SASHEER: You start.

NICOLE: Hell, yeah! We asked, “How did you two meet?” Jordana said, “Jared and I met in 2012 when he was hosting our Betches of Comedy events. We met through mutual friends, and it was all downhill from there. We went to a bar after our first Betches of Comedy event, and I remember he was funny on stage and I was drunk at the bar. So, I honestly don’t remember too much of him, but I remember not being offended.” Jared said, “We met through Jewish geography. I was on a family vacation with my brother’s friend’s mom, who knew that I did comedy.” Jared got together with the friend to discuss Jordana and the Betches. And they put a show together in D.C. Jared hosted and had female comics on the show. And there was a bar downstairs with games. And he thinks he met Jordana within the friend group of a post-show hang. So, you guys got that right?

JORDANA: I think so, yeah.

JARED: There we go. There’s a lot of pressure. I’m feeling, like, anxious .

JORDANA: That was an easy one.

SASHEER: Yes, there’s a lot at stake here. Next, we asked, “What is your favorite memory of traveling together?” Jordana said, “One of my favorite memories was not knowing that we were on the same flight. And he was in first class, and I was not. And then we get on the flight, and he goes, ‘Oh, whoops, I’m not actually in first class. I’m in. Delta Comfort,” which was embarrassing for him. And he may have a Delta complex. My preferred flight is Delta, but I don’t have Delta Plus. And Jared is like George Clooney in Up in the Air.” And then Jared said, “Jordana loves Starbucks. Whenever I’m traveling, she gets Starbucks. She loves the Starbucks frappe. And she’s easy to travel with. And she loves Starbucks in a way that she’s embarrassed about. I’m looking for a coffee shop to sit down in and write. I guess I’m a bit of a snob. Uh. But she loves a chain spot.”

NICOLE: I think you two got that both right because you both love big business–Delta and Starbucks.

JORDANA: We share a love of corporate.

NICOLE: Capitalism!

SASHEER: No boutique over here.

JORDANA: You do like a small coffee shop. That’s true. Oh. I joke that I want to  become very wealthy and then develop my in-laws’ hometown or the town that they live in just to knock the whole thing down, kick out the people who live there, and build a high-rise. That’s my dream.

NICOLE: Wow. That’s your dream? That’s funny. We asked, “What’s your favorite thing about your friend?” Jordana said, “He’s very funny and he’s good and he has a smart take on things. He just gets it. He has sound advice on our benefits episode. Jared will break down what’s going on with my husband’s head, which is very helpful. Instead of fighting with my husband, I just bring it to Jared, and he helps.” Jared said, “She’s very direct–easy to go back and forth with. No gameplay. No not getting back to you. Early on, I would post tweets, knowing that they would post them on Instagram. And the text was easy. I would say, ‘Does this feel Betchy?’ And she would say no or yes. And a lot of men are built of wanting to be the funny one, and there’s egos that get in the way. But that’s not there with Jordana. Men are vague and they play games, but not with Jordana. Plus, she’s unbelievably funny, quick, and fast.”

JORDANA: Love it! Warm feelings.

SASHEER: Yeah. Very sweet.

JORDANA: Thanks, Jared.

JARED: Thank you.

SASHEER: We asked, “What is your friend’s favorite thing about you?” Jordana said, “Jared’s favorite thing about me is that I’m open minded and that we hate the same people.”

JARED: Good point.

JORDANA: That was accurate.

SASHEER: And then Jared said, “I like to think she would say I’m nice, but I think she would say how hard I work.” I think all these qualities are appreciated.

NICOLE: Yeah. We asked, “what’s something you do that drives your friend crazy?” Jordana said, “It’s funny. I think if there was something he wouldn’t tell me. Ooh, I guess it’s whenever I come to a show, I ask for 33 tickets. He hopes I’m not in any city he’s performing in because he’ll be performing for a free show.”

JARED: Didn’t annoy me! I told you it didn’t annoy me.

JORDANA: I know, but I don’t think you would tell me if you did.

JARED: Right. I would have found someone to talk about you with.

SASHEER: You would have found someone else to talk-shit with.

NICOLE: Jared said, “Probably interrupting, but she doesn’t seem to get mad about that. I don’t know because we never really had an argument. Maybe we have, and I’m an idiot. She’s probably annoyed with how I date–how I hold on to relationships that I’m not really sure about. She looks at me like the men in her past. Jordana sees the exact same thing she’s been through.  I don’t do what she says.”

JORDANA: Okay.

JARED: Does my dating practice get annoying?

JORDANA: That kind of gets brought up in this next question, right? So, I guess that was kind of accurate.

SASHEER: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. “What is something your friend does that drives you crazy?” Jordana said, “His commitment phobia. I think he has a fear of disappointing people, so the nonconfrontation is a side issue that points to the commitment phobia. He should say “no” more and not be afraid of disappointing people.” And then Jared said, “She doesn’t bother me.” But then he said, “Probably not gaining weight. She could eat anything and not gain weight. I have all the weight issues. She is great at leaving a party right on time. She’s great about eating the right amount. And I am truly jealous of this.”

JORDANA: That’s so nice. Yours is a compliment. That’s not fair. Now I feel bad.

SASHEER: “She’s just too perfect. I hate it.”

NICOLE: We asked, “Which of you would do better on Survivor?” Jordana said, “I would definitely. I think Jared is higher maintenance than I am. I’m better at roughing it. I’ve been skydiving. But not so much the survivalist. But I’m more adventurous.” Jared said, “She would. She would do much better. There is no question. I can’t keep my mouth shut. She’s good at knowing the temperature of the room. I’m a screaming idiot that thinks he knows more than he does. Plus, I would complain about everything. They would vote me off just to change the vibe. I’d be the annoying vote.”

JARED: Jordana nailed that one.

SASHEER: Yeah. You guys agreed on that. Lastly, we asked, “What do you hope you’re both doing 20 years from now?” Jordana said, “I hope we’re still podcasting together and we love doing it together. It’s a fun show. That would be very awesome.” Jared said, “I hope we hang out. We got together a few weeks ago at our new house, and it was so nice. I’m not sure if podcasts will still exist in such a changing world. Maybe everyone will literally have a podcast, and no one will be listening to podcasts. But I hope we’re still talking shit and maintaining our friendship.”

JORDANA: Love that.

SASHEER: Yeah.

NICOLE: I think you guys did really well. And I think you’re friends. I think you can stay friends.

SASHEER: You’re allowed to.

JARED: Finally. This is so nice. The mystery is gone. I wasn’t sure.

JORDANA: Do you ever tell people that they shouldn’t be friends anymore?

SASHEER: Yeah, we actually had Amber Ruffin and her sister. And they didn’t know each other very well.

NICOLE: They only had one answer match.

JARED: And they’re sisters.

SASHEER: They’re sisters, but… Nope.

JORDANA: I’d like to change my answer about the best thing about Jared. He’s so kind. I feel like you answered too much nicer than me. And I forgot about that quality about you.

JARED: Thank you. Finally.

SASHEER: After you roasted him for a whole episode. Well, thank you so much for doing this, guys.

JORDANA: This was so fun. I love the format.

JARED: So much fun. Absolutely.

NICOLE: Well, that’s it for this episode! We didn’t answer any questions or queries because we were playing a game. But if you have questions or queries, which is something we normally answer in our other episodes, you can email nicoleandsasheer@gmail.com. And there’s also a number for you. Get a pen out! (424) 645-7003. Put your pen away!

SASHEER: We also have merch at podswag.com/bestfriends. I hope you typed that into your search engine as I was saying it.

NICOLE: Pull your eyes out. We have transcripts for our new episodes. Check them out on our show page at–get your browser ready–earwolf.com.

SASHEER: Lastly, get your fingers out, and don’t forget to rate, review, and subscribe. That’s the easiest way to support this show!

NICOLE: Woo! See you later, Sasheer!

SASHEER: See you later, Nicole.