EP. 337 — Pole Dancing & A Talking Bird (Live from Portland)

Chris [00:00:05] Hello, Portland, Oregon. It’s Beautiful/ Anonymous. One hour. One phone call. No names. No holds barred. Hey, everybody, Chris Gethard here. Welcome to another episode of Beautiful/ Anonymous. And I got to say, we are on something of a streak with this show, going from lighter ones to heavier ones to silly ones to this one today that’s just- it gets pulled in 19 different directions. And I think you’re gonna I like it. And I think for the people who like it when this show devolves into some chaotic, some chaotic vibes, it’s got some chaos. I’m never quite sure where it’s going to go. And there’s a live crowd and they’re never quite sure where it’s going to go. I don’t think the caller was ever quite sure where it was going to go, and there’s a lot to do with it. Sometimes I get modest, but if I’m being honest, I think the show has been on a streak for seven years, a seven year hot streak. And people come, people go. I’ve been seeing- I’ve been getting a bunch of messages lately from people saying like, Hey, I love Beautiful/ Anonymous, but I stopped listening a while ago. No real reason. Maybe I’ll jump back into it. And I see those messages and I go, You know what? We are always here for you. And I think the people who have dived into it can say, in a way that I’d like to think is very pleasant, I’m not out here trying to shake things up. I’m not out here trying to create new pizzazz so we get more buzz and press as an old dog show at this point. No. What I’m doing is I’m staying the course and I’m saying we are having conversations with people. Those people are putting it out there. They’re putting honesty out there into the world. And I’m giving it a platform and a big thumbs up and we’re allowing it to exist. So we will always be here for you, everybody. And if you- all I’ll say is this, if you’re a fan of the show, you’ve been liking the show, maybe now is a good time to put out a tweet or a thing on Facebook or an Instagram message and just say like, Hey, if you have you if you used to like this show, I tell you, I still listen and it’s still good. That goes a long way. But don’t feel bound to it. Who cares? What am I even talking about? I love that I get to do this. I want to see it survive. That’s all. That’s all. Survive forever. I want to. I would love it if it survived and outlasted me. I would love if I did this until I’m dead and then I pass it on to a new host someday. How cool would that be? That’s how long I would like to do it because I love this show. Anyway, today’s show, like I said, all over the map. I mean, we talked about birds a lot. We talk about pole dancing. Yeah. I think a lot of people are going to agree with me, it’s baffling to not know what a Canadian accent is when you have one. We’re going to talk about some crazy stories from this caller’s life in a fun way, and then some stories that are not fun at all. It goes in all different directions, including pizza. Okay, everybody, enjoy the call. Thanks for supporting the show. It means the world to me. I’m excited for you to hear this one.

Voicemail Robot [00:03:20] Thank you for calling Beautiful/ Anonymous. A beeping noise will indicate when you are on the show with the host.

Chris [00:03:27] Hello, Caller.

Caller [00:03:29] Hello?

Chris [00:03:30] There you are. How’s it going? (CROWD CHEERS)

Caller [00:03:33] Oh, my goodness. This is crazy.

Chris [00:03:36] It’s really good to talk to you.

Caller [00:03:39] I have literally been trying to call in for three or four years, Chris. I, wow.

Chris [00:03:45] Well, I’ll tell you, not only did you get through, you got through in a good night, cause we’re doing a live show in Portland, and I’m telling you, it is a real good vibe at the Doug Fir Lounge tonight. So all these people got your back. (CROWD CHEERS)

Caller [00:03:57] Woo! How’s everything doing tonight? (CHEERS) You guys happy to see Chris? (CHEERS)

Chris [00:04:09] You’re really workin the room, caller.

Caller [00:04:13] Well, it can’t be all about me. I mean, you’re the one who’s on stage.

Chris [00:04:16] It’s true. If this goes poorly, you get to hang up and I have to face this angry mob.

Caller [00:04:22] Okay, well, have fun. See you later.

Chris [00:04:23] Oh, ha ha. I would love it if you did. A sick part of me would actually enjoy it. Just like, thanks, everybody. Good night. No refunds. And then I skedaddled. Caller, what’s on your mind tonight?

Caller [00:04:41] Um, okay. Well, we could talk about a lot of things. Okay, I’ll give you two things to choose between. We can either talk about my talking budgie or my pole dancing.

Chris [00:04:52] Wait, talking budgie. Is that a type of bird?

Caller [00:04:55] Yes. Like a little parakeet.

Chris [00:04:56] Oh, you’re- I mean, we are in Portland, home of the empowered dancer, I believe. Right? Notoriously. So I’ll leave it up to the crowd though. Clap if you want to talk about the talking budgie. Clap if you would like to talk about pole dancing. It seems that pole dancing has won the initial debate.

Caller [00:05:23] Okay, that’s exciting.

Chris [00:05:25] So are you someone who pole dances in professionally or someone who does it for like aerobic exercise, which I know is popular?

Caller [00:05:33] Recreationally. So I don’t like dance in a club or anything like that.

Chris [00:05:36] You don’t? Okay.

Caller [00:05:37] But I do have really high heels that I dance in. They’re really fun.

Chris [00:05:41] And do you go to, like, a studio where you do this with an instructor?

Caller [00:05:45] Yes, I do.

Chris [00:05:46] Now, and they tell you to wear the big heels.

Caller [00:05:49] I don’t have to. There are certain classes that have the heels and certain ones that don’t. But yeah, most of my classes are either me dancing in heels or me flipping upside down or climbing two feet- or sorry, two stories, not two feet. That’s not much of a crazy thing.

Chris [00:06:05] Two stories?

Caller [00:06:07] Yeah.

Chris [00:06:07] That’s like 20 feet.

Caller [00:06:08] The poles are really tall.

Chris [00:06:10] Wow. How did you get into that?

Caller [00:06:13] I used to do powerlifting and I got really, I don’t know. I wasn’t really into it as much as I used to. And I was debating between horseback riding and pole dancing. So pole dancing won.

Chris [00:06:29] Horseback riding or pole dancing. What? And what? What clinched it for pole dancing?

Caller [00:06:36] I’m sorry?

Chris [00:06:37] What was the clincher that made you go- what made you say, yeah, horses shmorses. Let’s dance on poles.

Caller [00:06:44] It was closer.

Chris [00:06:45] It was closer. Okay, that’s fair. And how long have you been doing it?

Caller [00:06:52] I’ve been doing it since August.

Chris [00:06:53] Since August. So you’re coming up on a year?

Caller [00:06:57] Yeah, which is crazy.

Chris [00:06:58] Enjoying it?

Caller [00:07:00] Oh, very much so. My body hurts a lot of the time, and I pulled my hamstring cause I was being dumb. But, yeah. I am not flexible at all. So when my instructor gets us to do a flexi move, she’ll say, Okay, (BLEEP) so you’re not going to do this one. And I go, But I can do it. And I pulled my hamstring.

Chris [00:07:16] Pole dancing. It sounds like it’s effected you physically in some tremendous ways. Were you expecting it to be that much of a workout?

Caller [00:07:24] Um, I mean, physically, yes. I wasn’t expecting as many bruises.

Chris [00:07:31] And how about mentality wise? I do know that a lot of people hear about pole dancing workouts and hear that you’re wearing big heels and they go, well, we associate this with exotic dancing and there is some sexuality to that. Do you feel like it has affected your mentality or that side of your life at all?

Caller [00:07:52] I think a little bit. Like it’s definitely made me more confident and like made me feel more, I don’t know how to explain it, almost more like, in tune with myself.

Chris [00:08:04] Mm hmm. I like that you said the word confident, and then you knew you were talking to me so you’re like, How do I explain this to Chris? This idea of confidence. Confidence is like, you know, it’s like when you believe in yourself.

Caller [00:08:20] I didn’t know what that meant a year ago either. So it’s all good.

Chris [00:08:22] That’s fair. That well, that’s cool that it brings out the confidence. And it’s I also have to imagine too, hearing that you’re like covered in bruises and blown out hamstrings, well, I mean, I think, you know, we are in a city where it’s very funny that you’re calling and speaking to this in Portland, because this is a city where- and I don’t know all the facts, but I am smart enough to know that I believe dancers have unionized here, if that’s correct? And there’s a lot of empowerment in the clubs here and a lot of respect that there were a lot of lines drawn in the sand that say we’re going to demand respect and we’re going to get it. And it sounds like physically you have come to respect what goes into this type of dancing. Because it sounds like it really beat the shit out of you, huh?

Caller [00:09:06] Yeah, it’s fun.

Chris [00:09:08] That’s cool. So what’s up with this talking bird?

Caller [00:09:12] Um, so he. Yeah, he says some fun phrases. I’ll start first before I get into him. I’ll start with my disabled bird. So I actually have three of them. And one of them is flightless. So she has a stumpy foot, a sideways foot, and a crooked wing. So she actually can’t fly at all. She kind of just falls with style, I guess?

Chris [00:09:39] Okay. Okay.

Caller [00:09:41] And yeah. So anyway, so she, I had her on her own. And during COVID times, I was home a lot. I’m also a hairstylist, so the salon was shut down a lot of the time. So she got used to me being home. And then when I went back to work, she got really stressed out with me not being there. So she developed a nasty habit of ripping her feathers out. So I had to get her a friend and I got her I got my other little guy and he learned to talk. So I just talked to him a lot. And then now he says some pretty funny phrases.

Chris [00:10:10] Like, what?.. What kind of phrases?…

Caller [00:10:19] Hello?

Chris [00:10:20] Yeah, maybe I was speaking too quietly. What kind of phrases?

Caller [00:10:26] Okay, I’ll start with the not so funny ones and then getting to the best one at the end. So he says he says his name, which I won’t say, because that will really give a lot away. All I will say is that I am a huge marvel nerd. Sorry. And he’s named after something to do with that.

Chris [00:10:47] Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Okay.

Caller [00:10:49] So he says his name. He also says, whatcha doin? He says, Baby bird, pretty bird, give me a kiss. He makes kissing noises so mwa mwa mwa. And he’s learned how to say beep. And he learned that because I would bop him on the beak and say beep. And now, when he wants my attention, he flies on my shoulder and whacks me on the cheek and goes, beep.

Chris [00:11:09] Very cute. Very cute.

Caller [00:11:10] My favorite phrase he says right now is, Did you poopy?

Chris [00:11:13] Did you poopy?

Caller [00:11:15] Yep. That’s my favorite thing he says right now.

Chris [00:11:17] Can I ask? I don’t want to be too crass. Does he ever ask you that after you have in fact poopy’ed?

Caller [00:11:23] Not me, but sometimes after the other birds.

Chris [00:11:25] Oh, he’ll say it to the other birds after they poopy?

Caller [00:11:29] When I got my third one, he’s, he’s, he’s named after the Legend of Zelda. Again. Can’t say the name or else it will give too much away. But he. So my Marvel bird will look at him through the cage bars and bob his head up and down and go, Did you poopy, baby bird? And this one, he’s only two months old, the the one that’s named from Zelda, so it’s it fits context that my other bird has no idea what he’s saying, and it’s just wonderful.

Chris [00:11:57] Wow. Wow. Okay, here’s my first question. So you have your original bird who is sadly injured and unable to fly. Crooked feet, crooked wings. You bring in this other bird to keep that bird company, and this new bird turns out to be like a super genius bird. Has this made the original bird feel insecure at all?

Caller [00:12:20] I wouldn’t go so far to say super genius. I just would say really lucky.

Chris [00:12:24] Lucky. Okay.

Caller [00:12:26] He is by no means a genius.

Chris [00:12:28] Oh, sure. Great. He sounded like a genius. He’s asking other birds if they defecated. That’s pretty smart to me.

Caller [00:12:37] So the other bird, she is the grumpiest thing you will ever meet. We actually call her grumpy chicken as a nickname. Yeah, she’s a she’s super grumpy. She hates mornings, hates them. Like, I have a blanket that I put over the cage, and she is not a morning bird. Like, early bird gets the worm, that is not her. And then my other bird, the one that talks, he hates nighttime, so he gets really grumpy at nighttime.

Chris [00:13:01] Mm hmm.

Caller [00:13:03] But, yeah, no, he, the two of them are actually really bonded. They they. Yeah, they they’re really close to each other, and they pretty well cuddle every night when they go to sleep. So definitely no animosity from her to him.

Chris [00:13:16] Adorable. Do you want to hear?

Caller [00:13:18] Unless she gets grumpy, then she’ll go and bite him.

Chris [00:13:22] Caller, would you like to hear our first round of questions and reactions from tonight’s audience?

Caller [00:13:26] Sure. Throw ’em at me.

Chris [00:13:27] Okay, Depresso Banana wants to know if your bird also has a Canadian accent.

Caller [00:13:35] Do I actually have a Canadian accent? Cause it’s a thing that I’ve never even really heard before.

Chris [00:13:40] But we nailed it, right?

Caller [00:13:43] Well, okay. What does a Canadian accent even sound like?

Chris [00:13:46] It sounds like how you’re talking right now. Boom. Sometimes I tell it like it is. Right? You- That’s- that’s the Canadian accent. Anyway. Okay, we got ads. Let’s go do ’em. Thank you to all of our advertisers. Now let’s get back to the phone call.

Caller [00:14:20] Okay. What does a Canadian accent even sound like?

Chris [00:14:23] It sounds like how you’re talking right now.

Caller [00:14:26] The funny thing was, I just, so I went to Mexico a little while ago and there was someone there and they’re like, wow, you have a really strong Canadian accent. And I’m like, What is he? I don’t even know. Like, I, I hear other accents, but I don’t know.

Chris [00:14:38] Even there when you just said and a bunch of people in the in the crowd did react and they said you went like “a while ago” and that that that’s a tell to us. And there’s been a few other things. Let’s see. Ryan wants to know, when you fall off a pole from two stories high, does your bird ask you if you poopied?

Caller [00:14:58] I mean, if he was in the studio, probably. He’d probably say, what you doing? Did you poopy?

Chris [00:15:03] And I will say there are multiple people, mighty, woofer, Jonah, Christina, Drexler, Black, all want you to put the bird on the phone.

Caller [00:15:15] I don’t know that he’ll talk on here because he gets really camera shy. Well, I guess audio shy. But I’ll bring him over. He will be very loud if he does get going. So I apologize.

Chris [00:15:27] Okay. Okay.

Caller [00:15:28] Actually, you know, I’ll just bring everything into where they are because they’re in a different room. Hold on one sec. And you might hear more than one of them. Sorry. We’re just going through the house right now.

Chris [00:15:40] People are also guessing that you’re birds names. Let’s see. Johnny is guessing that their names are Link and Loki.

Caller [00:15:47] All right. Oh, oh, oh. He’s grumpy right now. It is night time, so he is not happy. Remember how I said he doesn’t like nighttime?

Chris [00:15:56] Yeah.

Caller [00:15:58] Hello?

Chris [00:15:59] Hello?

Caller [00:16:01] Oh, I can’t hear anything.

Chris [00:16:02] Yo, no, I’m here, I promise.

Caller [00:16:05] Okay. There we go. I hear you now.

Chris [00:16:06] I’m just being quiet to see if I can hear the birds.

Caller [00:16:09] So I’m going to bring him over into the other room and see if he makes any noises along the way but we’ll continue the call long anyway. And if you hear the bird, you got to hear the bird.

Chris [00:16:18] Yeah. Okay. Okay. I won’t bank on it then.

Caller [00:16:23] But like I said, he’s grumpy right now because it’s nighttime and he does not like nighttime.

Chris [00:16:26] Hey, I get it. I’m three hours in the- I have jet lag.

Caller [00:16:29] For me, right now it’s 11:00 where I am.

Chris [00:16:31] Me and the bird are both grumpy about time stuff, but god damn, do I want to hear that bird right now. I want to hear that bird. Okay. I’m being told too, Lily has informed me that Portland has the highest number of strip clubs per capita in the United States.

Caller [00:16:50] That’s exciting.

Chris [00:16:51] Yeah, it’s cool stuff. I know where we’re all going after the show! I’m going to another show right after this. Caller, you have a great vibe, a great energy. And. Was that the bird?

Caller [00:17:12] Yes. I don’t know if you can hear him right now, but right now he’s looking at his reflection in the mirror and he’s trying to sweet talk it. He likes to try to get it on with his reflection, if you know what I mean.

Chris [00:17:24] We heard the bird, and I think Portland is pretty psyched about it.

Caller [00:17:30] Yeah, he he he’s very much obsessed with himself. He sees his reflection and he’s like, yep, that’s a pretty bird. That’s, that’s a bird I wouldn’t mind getting to know.

Chris [00:17:38] Wow. So that’s like your go to if you need to get this bird talking?

Caller [00:17:43] Yeah. Well, see if he talks. I don’t know if he will.

Chris [00:17:47] Ok. Depresso Banana just called the bird a narcissist bird.

Caller [00:17:51] He very much is. But he’s also very, very sweet when he wants to be. But, yes, he’s very, very, very self-involved.

Chris [00:18:00] That’s fair.

Caller [00:18:00] Oh, he’s going to get really loud now because the other birds are going.

Chris [00:18:03] Mm hmm. I love it.

Caller [00:18:05] I apologize.

Chris [00:18:06] You have nothing to apologize for. A roomful of people in Portland has paid money to quietly sit and listen while your Canadian birds make noise. Why would you ever apologize for that?

Caller [00:18:20] I’m hoping he says something, but I don’t know that he will. I’ve tried to get it on video so many times. I think I’ve only had it happen once. But. Yeah.

Chris [00:18:29] All good.

Caller [00:18:30] I’m sorry if he doesn’t, he’s selfish. Oh buddy. Yes, hello.

Chris [00:18:36] You’re serious no one’s ever told you you have a Canadian accent before?

Caller [00:18:41] Is it seriously that strong? No. No one’s ever told me that before. Well, the one person in Mexico did.

Chris [00:18:47] Okay. Okay. Fair. Caller, we have about 45 minutes left. This one’s flying by. And that was not a bird pun.

Caller [00:18:58] We can talk about lots of stuff. I’m also a hairstylist. I work at a really well-known coffee shop. Their sizes are grande, venti and tall.

Chris [00:19:08] You do? I’m performing in Seattle tomorrow.

Caller [00:19:15] I’m sorry. I didn’t hear you.

Chris [00:19:16] When you. When you’re working there.

Caller [00:19:19] Yeah.

Chris [00:19:20] How is that gig?

Caller [00:19:22] I actually love it.

Chris [00:19:23] Okay, good.

Caller [00:19:24] Believe it or not, I actually love it. I am a huge chatterbox, so that job works really well. Oh, he’s flying now. Come here, buddy.

Chris [00:19:33] I was about to say, I hear that they give you insurance, but then I remember you live in a sane country that just gives you insurance.

Caller [00:19:40] Oh, yeah. Yes and no. Like, we get- technically, like, we can go to the doctor when we want, but dental and vision is not a thing.

Chris [00:19:52] Someone in the crowd just yelled, Boo hoo!

Caller [00:19:57] Yeah. If we want to go see a doctor though, sometimes I’m waiting like three months just to go get something checked out on my knee.

Chris [00:20:02] I hear you. I hear you. I know it’s not perfect, but we are still jealous down here. We’re still jealous.

Caller [00:20:08] I can understand that.

Chris [00:20:09] That’s good that you deal with people. I’ve never once, you know, traditionally, for people who do what I do, you have- you work in the service and a lot of people who are, are servers or baristas or things like that, but I always knew that that would- the idea of dealing with that many people would fill me with endless amounts of stress, and I’ve never done it.

Caller [00:20:30] Honestly, it’s more comedic than anything else because sometimes people will just get upset about the weirdest thing. So I’m like, guy, it’s just coffee. Calm down.

Chris [00:20:38] Yeah. Yeah. Do you ever intentionally misspell a person’s name if they’ve been rude to you when they order?

Caller [00:20:47] So we actually don’t write the names on the cups. We write it on the till. And now that it’s done through the rewards program and everything, they actually just scan their card and their name comes up from their phone now. So I can’t even really do that too much.

Chris [00:21:00] Oh, that’s a bummer. That’s like a tradition to get a copy and be like, this is not even close to my name.

Caller [00:21:04] We just have one guy, though, because you can choose your name on the Starbucks app. So this one guy, he he put his name is Seymour Butts. And whenever we can, we put out a mobile order, we always have to call the name. So we’d say mobile for Seymour Butts.

Chris [00:21:18] He really makes you do that?

Caller [00:21:22] Yep. It’s wonderful.

Chris [00:21:25] See, that’s the New Jersey in me. That’s how I know you’re from Canada. You’re like, it’s wonderful. He makes me do the same joke again and again. Whereas the New Jersey in me is like, I would, I would- he’d catch a venti to the fucking grill if he tried that.

Caller [00:21:40] No we look at and we’re like, That’s frickin hilarious. This is great.

Chris [00:21:43] Yeah, not bad. Not bad. Not bad at all. Um caller, how old are you?

Caller [00:21:50] I’m 26.

Chris [00:21:52] That’s a good age.

Caller [00:21:55] That’s what they tell me.

Chris [00:22:00] That is.

Caller [00:22:02] Hello?

Chris [00:22:03] Hello?

Caller [00:22:03] Hello?

Chris [00:22:04] Hi.

Chris [00:22:05] Marco.

Audience [00:22:05] Polo!

Chris [00:22:08] Did that really just work? Caller, did you say Marco for a reason, or were you hoping the crowd would just instinctively say, Polo, back to you?

Chris [00:22:16] It was really hoping the crowd would say polo and I’m so glad that worked.

Chris [00:22:19] Did you hear them?

Caller [00:22:19] Barely.

Chris [00:22:23] Okay, wait. Try it again.

Caller [00:22:25] Marco.

Audience [00:22:26] Polo!

Caller [00:22:26] Oh, that’s great. I heard everyone. That was awesome.

Chris [00:22:30] I got to say, we’ve been doing these live shows for years, and I think this marks a first where the caller starts trying to manipulate the crowd into saying certain stuff. This could be very dangerous when we air this one.

Caller [00:22:42] That’s us Canadians. You know, we seem sweet and everything, but we’re actually quite spiteful and sassy.

Chris [00:22:46] Really? Do you think that’s true?

Caller [00:22:49] I mean, if I told you, then you’d be in our secret. So I don’t know. Maybe I’m telling the truth, or maybe I’m lying. You’ll never know.

Chris [00:22:54] I have had Canadian people angry at me, and I once had a Canadian flight attendant rude be rude to me. And it was still one of the more pleasant experiences I’ve ever had.

Caller [00:23:05] Please tell me they were smiling the entire time.

Chris [00:23:08] She kept saying thank you and I couldn’t figure out why. And then I realized she was trying to tell me like, you need to sit the fuck down. The seatbelt light is on.

Caller [00:23:17] Oh, yes, we’re very like that.

Chris [00:23:18] She kept saying, thank you.

Caller [00:23:20] We’re passive aggressive.

Chris [00:23:20] Yeah, I was getting very upset. I was like, Why are you thanking me? I’m not doing anything.

Caller [00:23:26] And if we say sorry, usually it’s because you said you did something. But we’re too polite to say it.

Chris [00:23:31] Mm mm. And what is that word that you say again?

Caller [00:23:35] Sorry. I am having too much fun with this Canadian accent that I can’t even hear.

Chris [00:23:44] What if, at the very end, it turns out you were from Texas and faking it?

Caller [00:23:49] No. I did work with a girl from Texas, though.

Chris [00:23:52] Okay. Okay.

Caller [00:23:54] So I used to ask her too. I’m like, do hear a Canadian accent? And she said no. So I’m like, okay, well then obviously it doesn’t exist.

Chris [00:24:00] Yeah, she was definitely lying. I don’t know her motives behind it, but she was lying. So, caller, what else? What else is on your mind? What else do I need to know? We’ve covered pole dancing. We’ve covered birds.

Caller [00:24:17] What do you want to know? Ask me any random question and anything first thing that comes to your mind.

Chris [00:24:22] I’m going to open this up to the crowd. Let’s get some random questions on the on the Twitter feed, please. I’m going to go ahead. Okay. First one that came in is from my new favorite person, Depresso Banana, who wants to- can you ask the caller to explain shipping carts and beanies?

Caller [00:24:42] I’m sorry. Explain what?

Chris [00:24:45] Shipping carts and beanies. Is this something you know?

Caller [00:24:49] Okay, beanies. I didn’t hear the first one.

Chris [00:24:50] Shipping carts. Not like shopping carts. It says shipping carts.

Caller [00:24:54] Shipping carts? I have no idea what that is.

Chris [00:24:58] Fair.

Caller [00:25:00] Beanies? So you know a took?

Chris [00:25:04] What’s a took? Is that one of the families of hobbits?

Caller [00:25:10] No. Oh, shoot. You know, like, you know, when it’s cold outside, you put a winter hat on.

Chris [00:25:16] Oh, yeah.

Caller [00:25:17] Like a knitted hat?

Chris [00:25:18] Yeah. In Jersey, sometimes we call those goobalimes.

Caller [00:25:22] I’m sure.

Chris [00:25:23] Call it a goobalini.

Caller [00:25:26] Yeah, like a beanie is kind of like that, except it’s like, I don’t know it’s- they’re very similar. Tooks and beanies are almost the same thing.

Chris [00:25:32] Got it.

Caller [00:25:32] Just different styles of winter hats. Sometimes they have a pom pom on the top.

Chris [00:25:37] Oh, Depresso Banana did say it was a typo and they meant shopping carts.

Caller [00:25:44] Oh, shopping carts. Yeah. It’s like you go to the grocery store and you put your groceries in them before you cash out?

Chris [00:25:50] Yeah, everyone knows what those are. We have those in America.

Caller [00:25:54] Yeah. That’s why I’m like, shopping carts?

Chris [00:25:56] Yeah, they’re in every parking lot of every supermarket in every state.

Caller [00:26:00] Do you not call them shopping carts?

Chris [00:26:02] No, we do. We absolutely do call them shopping. We have them. We actively use them. We call them that. I think we all thought that Canada had something called shipping carts that was different and then it was just a typo. And now we’re all confused.

Caller [00:26:18] Depresso Banana, you need to, you need to figure this one out.

Chris [00:26:21] Depresso Banana’s bringin the heat. That was the first misstep all night. Oh, okay. Maddie D referencing something that I don’t know exactly what it refers to, and I hope it’s not something where I’m going to, like, politically put my foot in my mouth. Who were you rooting for in the Battle of Alberta?

Caller [00:26:38] In Battle of Alberta?

Chris [00:26:40] What’s the Battle of Alberta?

Caller [00:26:41] Oh, my goodness. It was Edmonton and Calgary in the NHL.

Chris [00:26:45] What’s that?

Caller [00:26:46] Edmonton and Calgary?

Chris [00:26:48] Edmonton and Calgary. Got it. Calgary, Alberta, Canada.

Caller [00:26:51] Yes, so I am nowhere near there.

Chris [00:26:53] Okay.

Caller [00:26:53] I’m in a completely different province. You guys know them as states. We call them provinces and territories here.

Chris [00:26:58] Yeah, we do know that. We also have two friends from Vancouver in the very front row who burst out laughing at the reference to the Battle of Alberta, and everyone else in America had no idea what it meant.

Caller [00:27:10] But yeah, so Edmonton and Calgary. I honestly didn’t have a favorite. However, my fiance, I think he was, I think he was rooting for Edmonton.

Chris [00:27:20] Okay. Katie wants you to know that the ambient bird noises are quite relaxing.

Caller [00:27:27] I’m glad to hear. Most people find them annoying.

Chris [00:27:28] No, they’re really working for us. Shauna wants you to tell us about your first crush.

Caller [00:27:34] My first crush?

Chris [00:27:35] Your first crush.

Caller [00:27:37] Oh, gosh. Oh, when was that? That was. That was a lifetime ago. Oh, my God. I don’t even know who it was. First crush. You know, I think it was this kid when I was in, like, junior kindergarten. And him and I both dressed up as hillbillies for Halloween. And I think I had a crush on him because he was the other hillbilly in the class. And it made me feel good that I wasn’t the only one.

Chris [00:28:02] Okay. Paul wants to know what you know about Portland.

Caller [00:28:08] About Portland? Ah, next question.

Chris [00:28:11] Okay. Jeff wants to know your favorite Marvel movie and why.

Caller [00:28:18] My favorite Marvel movie and why. I would probably have to say Thor Ragnarok. And the reason why is because it went completely sideways from the other movies and brought in a different comedic style that wasn’t in the other movies. So it was really entertaining. I like that one.

Chris [00:28:33] I’m with you. I like it. Although it’s come to my attention it get it’s now getting backlash. It was so beloved. It’s now getting some backlash. Chalis wants to know, are there any American sports you don’t care about like we don’t care about hockey?

Caller [00:28:48] Football. I watched Super Bowl and that’s it.

Chris [00:28:53] You watch Super Bowl. So you refer to football as Super Bowl. That’s how little you care about it. I think that’s fair.

Caller [00:28:59] No, like, I don’t I don’t watch football. I know about it. My dad’s a 49ers fan, but I only watch Super Bowl and I don’t know what team I’m cheering for until the day of. My dad tells me what team we’re cheering for.

Chris [00:29:10] Just to, you know, traditionally we would say, well, you watch THE Super Bowl.

Caller [00:29:16] I watch Super Bowl.

Chris [00:29:17] I watch Super Bowl. That’s like us saying, I watch Stanley Cup.

Caller [00:29:25] No.

Chris [00:29:28] Tyler wants to know. Do you ever give people decaf when they’re assholes?

Caller [00:29:37] If I answer that question, I might get into a lot of trouble.

Chris [00:29:40] Okay, we won’t ask. Let’s see. Oh, Riley wants to know what Canadian thing do you wish you could bring to America?

Caller [00:29:48] What canadian things? Poutine.

Chris [00:29:51] Pretty good answer. The people are behind you on that.

Caller [00:29:54] Poutine and maple syrup. Like real maple syrup. Oh, fantastic.

Chris [00:29:57] Yeah, I hear you. Bowen asks-

Caller [00:30:00] We actually have not far from where I live, there’s a place where you can actually, it’s like a full maple forest. And at certain times of the year, you can go there and actually get fresh maple syrup. Very Canadian.

Chris [00:30:10] Ooh, sounds lovely.

Caller [00:30:13] It is.

Chris [00:30:13] Bowen wants to know, how do you deal with vacations having all those birds?

Caller [00:30:20] Okay, I got a funny story for you here. So my dad and my brother will usually watch them. So we all live in the same house together, and my birds are in a separate room with mine and my fiances TV. So at my dad’s place, like, we have our own bedroom and a TV room. And so anyway, when they’re home, I’ll have the cage door open, that way the birds can kind of frolic around and get some energy out because they’re crazy. And my one bird, the disabled one who kind of falls with style, she likes to go on little adventures and hide herself. And the only way that we can find her- get this- her favorite sound in the- her favorite noise in the whole world is guns. Why? I don’t know. But all I know is whenever my fiance plays, like, Call of Duty or whatever, she gets so excited. And that’s how we find her.

Chris [00:31:09] Oh no. Not this week. Not this. We’re not. I can’t. I can’t.

Caller [00:31:15] I’m sorry.

Chris [00:31:16] No, it’s okay. It’s okay. Cody wants you to tell us a secret you’ve never told anyone.

Caller [00:31:22] A secret I’ve never told anyone? That I don’t know that those exist.

Chris [00:31:26] You’re an open book, huh?

Caller [00:31:26] I’m a pretty open book, honestly.

Chris [00:31:28] Okay, well, a lot of people are asking about your fiancee and how you met.

Caller [00:31:34] Uh, we met in high school.

Chris [00:31:35] Wow. Did you. Have you been dating since high school?

Caller [00:31:39] Yeah, since 12th grade.

Chris [00:31:43] Wow. So that’s like eight years?

Caller [00:31:47] Yeah. Going on nine.

Chris [00:31:49] How how did you come to be engaged?

Caller [00:31:55] He proposed to me in a hotel bathroom.

Chris [00:31:57] Excuse me?

Caller [00:32:00] Yeah, you heard that right.

Chris [00:32:01] He proposed to you in a hotel bathroom?

Caller [00:32:03] Yes. So I’m a hair stylist, and I, I do his hair whenever we go places. So basically what happened was, was he went into the bathroom and he crouched down in front of the mirror so that way I could style his hair because I’m quite short and he’s quite a bit taller than I am. And so I was styling his hair and then he kind of like shimmied his way over to the bathroom door and like blocked my way out, shifted onto one knee and then pulled out the ring.

Chris [00:32:32] He cornered you in a bathroom and blocked your exit? And proposed to you?

Caller [00:32:35] Yes he did. The funny thing was, though, was when he asked me when he asked me to marry him, I’m like, of course I’m going to marry you. And he goes, okay. And I’m like, Oh, wait, no, you’re actually asking me. It took me a second to figure it out.

Chris [00:32:49] I like that. And then did you did you like finish doing his hair after that?

Caller [00:32:57] No, I’d already finished doing his hair. I, like finished doing his hair. I washed my hands. And when he was in the way, I’m like, are you going to move? And then that’s when he shifted onto one knee.

Chris [00:33:05] I love it. And when’s the big day are you playing in the wedding?

Caller [00:33:08] Next year. In June. So June 2023.

Chris [00:33:11] June 2023. All right. Congratulations.

Caller [00:33:14] Thank you.

Chris [00:33:16] And you said you live with your father?

Caller [00:33:18] Yes.

Chris [00:33:20] Is that a good situation or a bummer?

Caller [00:33:23] No, it’s pretty decent situation.

Chris [00:33:25] Okay. Okay.

Caller [00:33:27] I get along with my dad pretty well.

Chris [00:33:28] That’s good. That’s good. And your dad gets along with your fiance?

Caller [00:33:32] Oh, yes.

Chris [00:33:34] That’s good.

Caller [00:33:35] Yeah. We all get along pretty well. I just need to figure out the dishwasher situation, but other than that, it’s pretty good.

Chris [00:33:41] What’s the dishwasher situation?

Caller [00:33:43] No one seems to like to do it.

Chris [00:33:45] Yeah. Yeah, I hear that. I hear that. I do a lot of dishes, caller. And I’m happy to do it. I’m happy to step up and do my part. But it’s an endless, it’s an endless, insurmountable task. And it makes me like eating less. It makes me mad when we eat. And I like eating. But I get angry about eating because I know I’m going to have to do the dishes.

Caller [00:34:14] Oh, yes. Always more dishes. My fiancee will always say to me like, You don’t need to get another spoon. That’s just more dishes.

Chris [00:34:21] Yeah, I sort of quietly plan my life around avoiding dishes.

Caller [00:34:28] That’s a sad way to live, Chris. I can’t hear. I’m sorry?

Chris [00:34:38] I didn’t say anything. I was just living in the sting of what you said. Because it’s true. Because I wasn’t exaggerating. And then you said something true about it.

Caller [00:34:52] I’m sorry, Chris.

Chris [00:34:54] That’s okay. Anyway. Let’s see what Depresso Banana’s up to.

Caller [00:34:57] So I have a cute story for you. My one bird that’s here with me right now, he, like I said before, can be a huge suck. So right now he’s got his feathers all plucked up. And I’m actually scratching his head and giving him lots of love and attention.

Chris [00:35:19] I like that. How did you know you were a bird person?

Caller [00:35:24] I’m sorry?

Chris [00:35:24] How did you know you were a bird person?

Caller [00:35:27] Oh, I’ve actually had birds for a long time. So we had birds when I was a kid. And yeah, when I was really young, we had two birds and I absolutely loved them. And then I always wanted birds growing up. We had a dove at one point and that dove used to scare the bejesus out of me because it had like a maniacal laugh.

Chris [00:35:48] Really?

Caller [00:35:49] Whenever it would be proud of itself, it would like laugh like an evil clown.

Chris [00:35:55] Can you replicate this laugh?

Caller [00:35:58] Uhhh. No, not really. It’s like, honestly, just, just imagine, like, a creepy clown laughing, and that’s it.

Chris [00:36:04] Okay. You’re bringing back a-

Caller [00:36:06] There was one time, like, I was babysitting one of my younger siblings, and I think I was 14 at the time. And anyway, I heard like and we kept him by the backdoor because he was also a disabled bird. So he couldn’t fly either. So we had no fear of him going out the door or anything. And I heard I heard that laughing noise and I had no idea that he made those noises. And I’m like, oh, my gosh, someone’s someone’s outside the house. They’re going to kill us. What is going on? I was freaking out and I wind up texting my dad and his girlfriend at the time and freaking out about it that there’s someone there like I need to lock the doors, but I’m too afraid to go look. And then they said to me, You know, the dove laughs, right? And I look around the corner and sure enough, the dove, the dove would like hop to a perch and that laughing noise came out of it.

Chris [00:36:52] You just brought back a childhood memory that I really haven’t thought about in decades. Well, my next door neighbor had a cockatoo, if I remember right. It was a rather large cockatoo. And every morning when the sun came up, it screamed and sounded like a woman being murdered. Every morning. That’s how every morning of my childhood started. And I just remember that now.

Caller [00:37:20] That is hilarious. I mean, that’s terrifying, but hilarious.

Chris [00:37:25] It was really bad. Anyway. Anyway, smiley just said, Chris, that cockatoo story explains a lot.

Caller [00:37:43] I mean, I’m glad someone else said it at least.

Chris [00:37:44] What’s that?

Caller [00:37:47] Nothing.

Chris [00:37:52] They all heard it and no one’s going to tell me.

Caller [00:37:58] I got the crowd back on my side again.

Chris [00:38:00] Now, Jeff asked a question that’s interesting, but if it’s if it’s something you don’t want to speak to, we don’t have to. Jeff wants to know if you’re close with your mom?

Caller [00:38:09] No, I am not.

Chris [00:38:11] Let’s pause there, because that sounds, that sounds like a story. Sounds like a story we’re going to get after the break. That and many more stories. We’ll be right back. Thanks again to all the advertisers who help this show exist. Now we’re going to finish off the phone call. Now, Jeff asked a question that’s interesting. But if it’s if it’s something you want to speak to, we don’t have to. Jeff wants to know if you’re close with your mom?

Caller [00:38:45] No, I am not.

Chris [00:38:47] That was a loaded reaction.

Caller [00:38:50] Yeah, that’s, I’d say that’s a story that’s probably a little bit too dark for the vibe that’s going on tonight. But to cut a long story short, I haven’t spoke to her in over a year and it will probably remain that way for the rest of my life.

Chris [00:39:04] Oh, I’m super sorry.

Caller [00:39:05] That’s okay. It’s her loss, not mine.

Chris [00:39:09] Yeah, that’s getting some cheers. That’s getting some cheers from the crowd. That’s a bummer. That’s really hard. Especially when, you know, when you’re so close with your dad that there’s a lot of dots to be connected there. And I’m sorry that you’re dealing with that.

Caller [00:39:24] Oh, it’s all good. No, I’m honestly thankful that I have my dad because he you know, he’s been there through everything and everything that I went through with her and that, he was there to support it. And he was there to remind me that everything’s okay. I guess, too, without getting really into it, I identify as queer and bisexual, and I came out to my mother and her and her husband physically assaulted me. So, yeah, that’s why we don’t speak anymore.

Chris [00:39:54] Yeah, that sounds warranted. That’s really fucked up. I’m so sorry.

Caller [00:39:59] It’s all good. Like I said, their problem. Not mine.

Chris [00:40:01] It’s not all good. You don’t have to say that’s all good. That’s not all good. That’s not all good. That’s not okay. Let alone, we’re kicking off Pride Month and uh.

Caller [00:40:11] Sorry?

Chris [00:40:12] We’re kicking off Pride Month, and what a stark reminder of some people’s bigotry and closed mindedness. I’m so glad that your dad stepped up and provided a counterpoint to that.

Caller [00:40:21] Yeah, he’s been good. Hello, buddy. Sorry, my buddy’s getting a little excited here. Yeah.

Chris [00:40:29] Yeah, that. Well, the bird’s worked up. The bird knows the story, and this bird’s pissed off. He’s pissed at your mom.

Caller [00:40:33] He does. He’s just like, this is not okay, guys. Yeah, no. He, my dad’s my dad’s great. He when all that happened, he reminded me that, you know, it doesn’t matter what anyone else has to say or what anyone else thinks of me, what, at the end of the day, what matters most is who I am and that I stay true to myself. So. And that no one should ever make me feel bad for who I am. (CROWD CHEERS) Yeah. Have a good dad.

Chris [00:41:07] I love that. That’s good, Dad. That’s good dad-ing right there.

Caller [00:41:11] Mm hm.

Chris [00:41:12] I like it. I like it. I just got really sad thinking about you going through that.

Caller [00:41:19] I’m sorry.

Chris [00:41:20] No, you don’t have to be sorry. Don’t be sorry about anything.

Caller [00:41:27] I will apologize more than most Canadians just because it’s just so in my nature. I am always- ow- my bird just flew into my face. That was not pleasant. Sorry. Yeah, I apologize more than like I guess even a regular Canadian, per se. Like I’m always told by people, stop apologizing. So it’s pretty well just in my nature.

Chris [00:41:53] Can I just tell you, to just hit this point where you opened up and told us this very heart wrenching tale of the severance, the severed relationship with your parent who crossed a line that should not be crossed, who judged you in ways that should never happen, and then a bird flies into your face on the call. I will say it is the reason why I still love doing this show. Moments like that.

Caller [00:42:20] Oh! Alright, I just dropped my laptop.

Chris [00:42:22] You dropped your laptop?

Caller [00:42:24] Yeah. We’re all good.

Chris [00:42:25] Oh, right. Because we’re on Zoom. You’re on Zoom.

Caller [00:42:27] Yes, I am.

Chris [00:42:28] That would have been such a horrible way for this call to end. You tell us the most like, like raw, honest, a hard thing to process, and then a bird flies in your face and breaks your laptop.

Caller [00:42:43] It is just another day in the life, you know?

Chris [00:42:46] Yeah. I cannot believe how consistently that bird is making noises in the background now.

Caller [00:42:52] He’s a he’s trying to make out with himself again in the mirror.

Chris [00:42:55] Really?

Caller [00:42:57] Oh, yes. He’s trying to mack pretty hardcore with himself. It’s pretty funny, actually.

Chris [00:43:01] So. Pole dancing. Bird maintenance.

Caller [00:43:07] Yes.

Chris [00:43:08] Is Starbucks your only gig? And hairdressing.

Caller [00:43:11] No, I’m also a hairstylist.

Chris [00:43:13] Oh right. So talk to me about the hair styling.

Caller [00:43:16] Yeah, it’s great. I really enjoy it. I took a break from it for a year and then I came back to it.

Chris [00:43:23] Did you go to school for it?

Caller [00:43:24] If the bird gets overly annoying, just let me know. I will move them.

Chris [00:43:28] No, that bird is a part of this conversation. And I would never dream of removing the bird.

Caller [00:43:33] I really hope you enjoy hearing him flirt with himself.

Chris [00:43:33] And if anybody listening wants to leave Facebook comments or tweets about the bird being annoying, I’ll just say, this life- this show is all about putting real life on display. And sometimes real life has birds, god damn it! Did you go to school for hairstyling?

Caller [00:43:52] Yes, I did. The program I did was a ten month program. And basically how it works is your first five months is all textbook related. And you do a lot of practice on mannequin heads. And a whole lot of perm sets that made me never want to ever, ever do a perm ever again in my entire life. Never.

Chris [00:44:10] Okay.

Caller [00:44:11] So I don’t do those. And then our last five months were down working with clients that come into the school. Like they know it’s a school and everything, so they’re just kind of like our test dummies.

Chris [00:44:22] Mm hmm. And do you is the goal to go hairstyling full time and leave Starbucks behind?

Caller [00:44:29] No, actually I was doing hair full time pre pandemic stuff. And then pandemic happened and, I don’t know, the salon stuff just got really crazy with constantly being open and closed, open and closed. And the salon I was at, we didn’t know if we were even going to be open the next week or not. And I had plans of maybe returning to school, which I decided not to do. So yeah, I’m doing Starbucks and and the salon because I’m saving for a wedding in a house. And trust me, it ain’t cheap up here.

Chris [00:45:01] And when you, when you, yeah. Wow. So the pandemic kind of rattled you as far as the industry as a whole, even even though you went to school for it. That’s so daunting to me. Right? That’s one of the things that bums me out is like you spend all this money on school and then you go, well, what if I wind up not wanting to do that? And then you spent all that, right? That bums me out. School’s a bummer. I never liked school.

Caller [00:45:25] I also went to school for photography and I don’t really do that anymore.

Chris [00:45:29] You went to school for photography as well?

Caller [00:45:31] Yeah, I’m a jack of all trades. I probably, you name it, I’ve probably done it.

Chris [00:45:35] Yeah. How many- names some of the other jobs you’ve had.

Caller [00:45:40] I’ve worked in kitchens. I worked at a variety store. I worked at Burger King. Pizza Pizza. If you guys have a Pizza Pizza there? I don’t know.

Chris [00:45:50] I’ve never had pizza pizza. Isn’t that little, wait, that’s Little Caesar’s catchphrase.

Caller [00:45:56] We have Little Caesars here, but we actually have a thing like a place called Pizza Pizza.

Chris [00:46:00] Wait, but you also have Little Caesars?

Caller [00:46:03] Yes, we have Little Caesars as well. Hot and ready’s.

Chris [00:46:06] Hold on. This is getting me this is the thing that has made me second most angry, this whole phone call. The first is your mother’s unforgivable behavior. And the second is the idea that you have Little Caesars. But then there’s a secondary pizza place called Pizza Pizza, which is un fucking acceptable to me. That’s the well-known catchphrase of Little Caesars.

Caller [00:46:27] Pizza Pizza I think was here before Little Caesars was, I think.

Chris [00:46:30] Goddamn it, that makes me mad. Don’t you have copyright laws up in Canada?

Caller [00:46:37] Like when I was a kid- I don’t do this anymore, but when I was a kid, my password to everything was pizza pizza.

Chris [00:46:47] How are they going to rip off Little Caesars like that and just get away with it and coexist?

Caller [00:46:52] I’ve never even heard Little Caesars associated with that before.

Chris [00:46:55] Little Caesars catchphrase is pizza pizza! That would be like if you had Domino’s and then you also had a separate pizza place called The Noids. Remember the Noid? Caller, do you remember the Noid? Because I just remembered the Noid and started giggling that Domino’s had an ad campaign called Avoid the Noid. And all I remember about it is that the Noid was just like a weird little creep and you had to avoid him. But I have no idea how it tied into pizza at all. And I just thought about it for the first time since I was maybe seven years old.

Caller [00:47:37] Here’s here’s one for you. Have you ever heard of the house hippo?

Chris [00:47:41] The house hippo?

Caller [00:47:42] Yeah. The house hippo.

Chris [00:47:43] Like hippopotamus? The people in Vancouver in the front row are yelling, yes. But the Americans are all confused. What’s the house hippo?

Caller [00:47:52] So when, when I was younger, there was a TV commercial on TV and it would talk about the North American House Hippo, and it was like the smallest little hippo and it lived in your house. And they would they would eat crumbs off the floor and everything. And then at the end, they would say that don’t trust everything you see on TV. And then we all wish that house hippos were actually real. So basically they don’t exist, but we wish they did.

Chris [00:48:16] We would never have that in America. The television industry would never put something out that’s like, Hey, just be careful of us because we often lie to you. They’d never admit that. The house hippo. Some people do remember that? Wait, in the bakc, but are you American or Canadian?

Caller [00:48:40] I wanted to have a pet one when I was a kid. I’m like, I want to, I want a house hippo.

Chris [00:48:43] There’s only there’s a few Americans that remember the house hippo.

Caller [00:48:47] My bird could ride that thing like a horse. It would be amazing.

Chris [00:48:50] Now I’m going to be up all night watching YouTube videos about the house hippo and researching this.

Caller [00:48:56] Search North American host hippo. You’ll find it right away.

Chris [00:48:59] Okay. There’s one person in the back of the room who is so enthusiastic about this, caller.

Caller [00:49:04] You are now my best friend, person the back of the room.

Chris [00:49:09] She yelled, thank you.

Caller [00:49:11] Yay.

Chris [00:49:13] Wow, wow. Okay.

Caller [00:49:16] Whoa. Okay. The bird just flew in my face again. That was great.

Chris [00:49:18] Let’s see. Okay. Dance fleur says, Don’t forget about the guy whose last name was Noid, and he thought the Noid campaign was targeting him specifically. So he held up a Domino’s. Please let that be true and not just an urban legend. Please let that true. Oh, Chelise wants to know, what do you call Canadian bacon?

Caller [00:49:40] Canadian bacon?

Chris [00:49:41] Yeah. We have this thing we call Canadian bacon. What do you call it?

Caller [00:49:45] I don’t know. What does it look like?

Chris [00:49:46] It’s like a round slice of ham.

Caller [00:49:51] Oh, I think we call that peameal bacon.

Chris [00:49:53] What is it?

Caller [00:49:54] Peameal bacon.

Chris [00:49:55] P now bacon? The people from Vancouver are saying it’s back bacon.

Caller [00:50:00] Yeah, peameal bacon.

Chris [00:50:02] P now bacon?

Caller [00:50:06] No, Chris. Replace the N with an m.

Chris [00:50:15] Say it again?

Caller [00:50:16] Replace the N with an M.

Chris [00:50:20] P mow bacon?

Caller [00:50:22] Peameal bacon.

Chris [00:50:27] I, okay. Sometimes you just stay in Portland long enough and you start to feel like you’re high.

Caller [00:50:36] We say that about B.C. here.

Chris [00:50:42] Jeff wants to know what’s the worst thing to order on the on the Burger King menu?

Caller [00:50:49] Worst thing to order on the Burger King menu? Oh, geez. I don’t even know. I don’t even eat Burger King anymore. After working there, I can’t. Like, I saw too much and I can’t.

Chris [00:50:59] That’s fair.

Caller [00:51:00] I’m sorry. I can’t.

Chris [00:51:01] Ryan wants to know, what’s a variety store?

Caller [00:51:05] Oh, that was one of my favorite jobs in the entire world. I loved that job.

Audience [00:51:10] What is it?

Chris [00:51:11] What is it?

Caller [00:51:13] Oh, you don’t know what a variety store is?

Chris [00:51:15] No. Even the, even the people from Vancouver don’t know.

Caller [00:51:20] Like a corner store. Like, you can get, like, candies and people buy cigarettes there. You guys can buy liquor there. We can’t here in Canada.

Chris [00:51:30] Oh, like a convenience store, we would call that.

Caller [00:51:32] A convenience store.

Chris [00:51:33] Okay, got it. Got it.

Caller [00:51:37] Convenience store, corner or corner store, smoke shop, variety store. They have a bunch of different names for it.

Chris [00:51:44] I want to let you know.

Caller [00:51:45] Sometimes it’s just a gas station.

Chris [00:51:47] Faire. Yeah. Got it. Caller, Ryan tweeted, Chris has a wallet in his back pocket so thick it could be a Rubik’s cube. Thank you for making me feel insecure at the end, Ryan.

Caller [00:52:02] My fiane can solve a Rubik’s cube, which is pretty cool.

Chris [00:52:04] And then to get a little serious, Katie put out, Caller, I get it. I haven’t spoken to my dad in over a year either. I’m getting married this weekend, so it’s bringing out a lot of feelings. But I know it’s for the best. I’m sorry you went through what you did.

Caller [00:52:20] Thank you. I wish you the best with your wedding, and I understand how hard that is going to be. But I am sending you good vibes and a hug from far away.

Chris [00:52:30] And, Katie, I’m sorry you went through whatever you went through as well. Oh, Depresso Banana wants to know, Starbucks or Tim Hortons?

Caller [00:52:38] Oh, Starbucks.

Chris [00:52:39] Really? I feel I, I’m shocked. I’m shocked. Oh peameal bacon.

Caller [00:52:45] Oh, well, unless we’re getting Tim bits, then Tim Hortons.

Chris [00:52:49] Peameal bacon. P E A M E A L bacon. Peameal.

Caller [00:52:54] Yeah, peameal bacon. We’re still on this? I thought we left this behind a while ago.

Chris [00:53:00] Peameal bacon. Got it. Anyway, I’m a vegetarian. I’ll never have it.

Caller [00:53:06] I can’t eat pork, so I can’t eat it either.

Chris [00:53:08] Why can’t you eat pork?

Caller [00:53:10] My stomach has decided that pork is not a good option for me anymore. Same with corn. I can’t eat corn either.

Chris [00:53:16] Corn?

Caller [00:53:17] Corn and pork are a no go.

Chris [00:53:19] Those are the two elements of peameal bacon from what I just saw.

Caller [00:53:23] Well, then that’s a definite no go for me.

Chris [00:53:25] Corn and pork are a no go.

Caller [00:53:28] Yeah, since I went into my twenties.

Chris [00:53:30] Okay. Okay. Caller, we’ve got 10 minutes left.

Caller [00:53:36] Exciting.

Chris [00:53:36] Yeah. How do we end this bad boy?

Caller [00:53:41] I don’t know. How do we end this, Chris? You’re the host. I’m just a caller.

Chris [00:53:51] Well, I thought we were in it together. Now that I know it’s adversarial, I guess I’ll turn up the heat.

Caller [00:54:03] My bird is rubbing his face on my nose right now. Just. Just so y’all know.

Chris [00:54:08] What are the other two birds up to?

Caller [00:54:11] Probably sleeping.

Chris [00:54:13] That’s fair.

Caller [00:54:15] One’s probably sleeping. The other one’s- the other one might be going psycho right now in his cage.

Chris [00:54:20] What does that mean?

Caller [00:54:22] He’s. He’s crazy. He’s like an acrobat. He does flips in the air and everything.

Chris [00:54:27] Okay. When’s the next time you’re going pole dancing?

Caller [00:54:32] Tuesday night.

Chris [00:54:33] Are there any moves in particular that you’re trying to conquer that you haven’t been able to yet?

Caller [00:54:38] Oh, any moves. There’s a move called an uno spin that I’ve been trying to get, and it is insanely difficult for me because I’m uncoordinated and I look like a floppy fish half the time.

Chris [00:54:49] Have you thought about going back to horseback riding at any given point? Have you reconsidered horseback riding?

Caller [00:54:56] It’s fun, though, because like, it’s very it’s very much about strength. And that’s something that I really like. Like I like doing strength, hence, my powerlifting background.

Chris [00:55:05] How long were you into powerlifting?

Caller [00:55:08] Uh, about two years.

Chris [00:55:10] How does one get into powerlifting?

Caller [00:55:13] Um, my fiance really liked it, and he built a whole bunch of stuff in the basement for us to have a gym. And I went, eh, sure, let’s give this a go.

Chris [00:55:21] How much weight were you able to max out lifting? Please use pounds. Not kilograms.

Caller [00:55:27] Not a lot. I never really got really high into it. When I started doing powerlifting, I was I was weighing almost 160 pounds. And by the end of it I got down to 125 pounds. So I lost a lot of weight through it. And I am, keep in mind, I’m about five foot two.

Chris [00:55:46] Okay. Okay.

Caller [00:55:48] So yeah, that’s part of the reason why I got into it was because I was really unhealthy at the time too. I wasn’t eating well or anything. I was not in a good place. So yeah, I got into that and oh geez, he’s going everywhere. I wasn’t in a good place at the time, so I just got really crazy into it and I never really got really high up in weight. I’d say like the highest that I got for my deadlift I think was 180 pounds.

Audience [00:56:14] Wow.

Caller [00:56:15] And then my bench press always sucked because I have no upper body strength at all. I do now, now that I’ve been doing pole, that’s really increased my upper body. So I want to see what it would be now. But I think I only got up to 80 pounds.

Chris [00:56:25] Okay. Okay.

Caller [00:56:26] So not a whole lot. And then my squat was I think about 180.

Chris [00:56:31] People are impressed. There’s some chatters of being impressed in the crowd. How do you know- how did you know? You and your you and your fiancee. You start dating when you’re in high school.

Caller [00:56:45] Yeah.

Chris [00:56:47] How did you know at that young age that this was the one?

Caller [00:56:50] We kind of fell into a relationship. So like we were we were friends for about two years before we got together. And at the time, I was really good friends with this other girl. And she she was actually dating my cousin. And my cousin lived far away and he was coming down to visit her and she wanted to go on a double date. I was single at the time, and so she said, Oh, we should get this guy to go on a double date with us. Like you should, you should go out with him. And I knew I was going to be moving about 3 hours away soon so I said, like, that’s not fair to him. I like I can’t do that to him and such. And she went behind my back and asked him anyway. We went on a couple more dates. I told him I was moving and then we found out that where I was moving to was the only city he had applied to go to college to. So it just kind of worked out.

Chris [00:57:35] It worked out. Now, here’s a sensitive question, if I may. And we only have a little over 6 minutes left. So you’ve been dating him since high school?

Caller [00:57:45] Yeah.

Chris [00:57:46] You’re 26. You identify as queer and bi. I believe you said bi. Or pan?

Caller [00:57:52] Bi.

Chris [00:57:53] Bi.

Caller [00:57:53] Bi, pan, really whichever one you feel like using.

Chris [00:57:57] Whichever one you would like me to use. So how, when you are from a young age dating someone where I would imagine from the outside your couple may allow you to present as hetero, how do you discover that side of yourself, explore that side of yourself? And it also makes me realize… When you had this confrontation with your mom, there was a road where you could have just said, I’ll bite my tongue and not let my mom know about this side of myself because she can just look at me dating this guy and getting engaged to this guy and we can let her ignorance be her bliss. But you chose not to do that. And I think there’s something really strong and commendable about that.

Caller [00:58:51] Thank you. I mean honestly, like I knew from a younger age. Like I kind of knew about myself from younger age. I always knew, like watching certain TV shows and that, like, I didn’t just have crushes on the boys, I had crushes on the girls. And, you know, I had different feelings from people around me. I had crushes on girls at school and such. But I come from a background that was more Christian and it was actually on my dad’s side that we’re more Christian, not on my mom’s side. Yet my dad was more accepting. But anyway. So I kind of repressed that for a very, very long time. And eventually I tried coming out when I was a teenager when I was like 16, and I was with a different guy at the time. And he just wasn’t a good person. And yeah, so I kind of just put myself back in the closet for years. And then when I got together with my fiancee a few years later, I kind of I said, you know, I really think this is something you need to know about me since we’re getting more serious, because I don’t want this to alter your opinions of me or our relationship. And clearly it didn’t. And then along the way, I just came out to my dad and he was okay with it. And then my mom was not okay with it. And then ever since then, I’ve just been publicly out. And my mom was the person I was the most afraid to say something to. And yeah, so after that, I’m like, Well, it’s not going to go any worse than that. So everyone may as well know.

Chris [01:00:27] And now when you say you’re publicly out, no one’s ever told you you have a Canadian accent?

Caller [01:00:36] No.

Chris [01:00:38] Never?

Caller [01:00:39] Never. Well, I live with Canadians, Chris. Who’s going to tell me that?

Chris [01:00:48] I’m so, so happy to hear that part of the story and to hear that you knew yourself and it was important for you to be open and important for you to put it out there. And I’m sorry that it didn’t go well with a very, very important relationship. But I think that you got to imagine there’s a lot of people who might take the convenient path of, well, we just won’t tell mom. And it does more damage. In protecting mom’s feelings, you wind up doing more damage to yourself in the long run. I feel like there’s probably been so many thousands of cases of people who do that and have done that and hurt themselves in the process. And I’m glad to hear you didn’t do that.

Caller [01:01:23] I think that’s something that I learned along the way, because it was something I did for a long time. I did kind of hide a lot of myself. And when I started revealing more of who I was, I had more issues with her. And then that’s when I started to realize that the issues were not with me. They were with her. And when that whole event happened, you know, I struggled for a while. And then, like I said, that’s her loss, not mine.

Chris [01:01:45] Indeed. Indeed, indeed. And I’m glad to hear you have that perspective.

Caller [01:01:50] Therapy has been super helpful. So therapy is amazing.

Chris [01:01:53] Yeah. Therapy is not a bad thing. I want to thank Dance Fleur, who has tweeted me a screengrab of the incident where a person went and tried to kill the Noid with a gun. Thank you so much. Can’t wait to read up on that. Paul wants to know if everyone at the taping tonight can be invited to your wedding.

Caller [01:02:14] How about you all can come through Zoom?

Chris [01:02:17] Oh, you’re going to have a zoom element? How about that? How about that?

Caller [01:02:27] I’m just saying, this is the most calm I’ve ever seen my bird. He is usually not this calm.

Chris [01:02:32] I tend to have that effect on birds. Sometimes I make people skittish, but birds…

Caller [01:02:39] I think it’s your voice. Chris, I know that like you- people have said this to you in the past, and I know you say that you don’t see it yourself, but you do have a very, very calming voice.

Chris [01:02:47] No, I have horror. I have a horrible I have the voice of a weak willed coward who’s scared to tell a waiter that he’s been given the wrong order. That’s the type of voice I have.

Caller [01:02:55] I mean, I’m the same. I’ll order chicken and they’ll put down a pork chop. And I’m like, Well, I guess I’m dying tonight. It’s okay.

Chris [01:03:04] Happened to me in Tampa two weeks ago. Have I told that story on the show yet? I think I have. I haven’t? I there were- I was in a restaurant. There was one other human in the whole restaurant. We both ordered. They put down the wrong thing in front of me. I went, I don’t want to get anybody in trouble, and I ate it. They put the wrong thing down in front of him. Like a normal person, he went, I didn’t order this. And then him and the waitress both just quietly turned and looked at me as I was eating his Aloo Gobi, which I had heard him order. Which I knew it was.

Caller [01:03:46] That is definitely something I would do.

Chris [01:03:48] Caller, we got 30 seconds left.

Caller [01:03:51] Oh my goodness, already?

Chris [01:03:51] This was a hell of a call. It was really fun. So much love to you and your dad and your fiancee and your birds and everybody at Starbucks and all the pole dancers of this world.

Caller [01:04:02] Thank you. Much love to all of you. And Chris, I am so glad after three or four years, I finally got to talk to you.

Chris [01:04:08] What was that?

Caller [01:04:10] I’m so glad that after three, four years, I’ve finally been able to talk to you. I’ve listened to the show for so long.

Chris [01:04:13] Oh, it was meant to be. It happened when it was supposed to happen. Let’s hear one more time from that bird.

Caller [01:04:19] If he’ll get up, he’s kind of flying into things.

Chris [01:04:22] Oh, yeah, we hear it. All right, caller, that’s our time. Thank you so much for calling.

Caller [01:04:29] Thank you. Bye, everyone.

Chris [01:04:37] Thank you so much to our caller. Thank you so much to our live crowd. Thank you so much to Andrea Quinn, who comes and does the sound for the live shows. Thank you to Anita Flores, who produces the show. Thanks to the venues for having us. Thank you to Ryan for all of your help in engineering the show, Ryan Connor. Thanks to Shellshag for the theme music. Thanks to you for listening. Go to ChrisGeth.com if you and know more about me, including my upcoming tour dates. I’m doing Beautiful/ Anonymous tapings and stand up shows in Madison, Wisconsin, Milwaukee, Wisconsin and Chicago, Illinois on October sixth, seventh and eighth. Guess what? I’ve never been to Wisconsin. Finally making it to Wisconsin, I hope people come out, say hi. I hear that it’s a great, great state to go throw down and do shows. Can’t wait to see it myself. And then October 14th and 15th I’m in Atlanta and Athens, Georgia. December 2nd and third, I’m in Durham and Asheville, North Carolina. And then Halloween weekend, you know I’ll be at fest down in Gainesville, Florida. Love to see you at any and all of those shows. ChrisGeth.com for tickets and details. And hey, wherever you’re listening, there’s a button that says subscribe, favorite, follow. It helps us so much when you hit that button, so please think about doing so. You can also find our latest merch at PodSwag.com. We got mugs, shirts, posters, and more. If you want your episodes without any ads, you’re going to want to check out Stitcher Premium. You can use the promo code “stories”, get a month free. That’s over at Stitcher.com/premium.