EP. 249 — Sasheer Caught a Neighbor Throwing Leaves in Her Driveway!

SASHEER: Hi, Nicole.

NICOLE: Hi, Sasheer.

SASHEER: Ooh, she’s already bobbing and weaving.

NICOLE: Bobbing, bobbing, and weaving! Having a nice time on this beautiful Wednesday!

SASHEER: What are you doing after this?

NICOLE: After this, I have to watch a movie. Oh, wait, I don’t think I can– We haven’t announced… I don’t know.

SASHEER: You don’t have to say it. It’s fine.

NICOLE: There’s a movie that I have to watch. I can’t really talk about it, so–yes–my eyes will be open on a TV.

SASHEER: On a TV?

NICOLE: They’ll be open, looking at a TV, consuming a movie.

SASHEER: Got it. All right.

NICOLE: What are you doing after this?

SASHEER: Our friend has pimped out her husband to be a handyman for anyone who needs it. So he’s coming over to hang a ton of pictures. And I also got rid of a chair and had to take the door off the hinges, and I didn’t wanna put it back on the hinges. So he’s doing that, too. And what else? There’s, like, a lot. At first I was like, “Just come over and hang pictures.” And now I have a whole list of things to do, which is very exciting.

NICOLE: That is exciting. It’s nice getting shit done in your house. And I used to think, “I can’t hang a picture. Little old me? Nicole?” But I now can hang a picture. Are they straight? Kind of. Are they where I want them to actually hang? Sort of, you know? They’re on the wall is what I’ll say.

SASHEER: And that’s the goal.

NICOLE: That’s the goal. I hung a picture over, like, a little box on my wall. And I thought I measured it enough. I was like, “Oh, this is good.” But I didn’t put it up high enough. So now it, like, rests on the little box and leans forward a little bit, and I’m like, “The next earthquake–this thing’s coming down.” And I could rectify the situation. But little old me? How do you get a nail out of a wall? Who am I, Bob the Builder? I can’t!

SASHEER: You can. You can use the hammer that you used.

NICOLE: Oh, use the–?

SASHEER: The, like, back prongs or whatever.

NICOLE: The legs?

SASHEER: Yeah. Put the legs on the nail and then you, like, roll the top part of the hammer on the wall. And it’s supposed to come right out.

NICOLE: All right. Maybe I’ll give it a go.

SASHEER: And then the good part is you only have to go slightly higher. So the picture will still cover the hole that you had previously. You can fix that.

NICOLE: You are right. I don’t need any spackle. I don’t need any paint. Discovering that that’s all you need to patch a hole–I don’t know. I’m so lost on, like, DIY TikTok– Or not TikTok. I’m not on TikTok. I’m on Instagram. And all these people be doing shit themselves. And I’m like, “What the heck? How do you learn? How do you saw at your house? You went to Home Depot and said, ‘Get me a saw,’ and then you knew which one they were going to sell you to use? What?”

SASHEER: I have no desire to learn any of that or do any of it. I just know that there’s professionals who can do that. I don’t want to do it.

NICOLE: You are right. I do wish that I had it in me to, like, build a shelf. Imagine how amazing to be like, “I made this shelf. I whittled this.”

SASHEER: If I could make a thing, I think I would be proud. I mean, I just adjusted these curtains, and I’m very proud of them. I just put a different rod up there ,and it makes the curtains glide better. And I’m like, “Hell yeah, I did.”

NICOLE: I mean, pat yourself on the back. That’s incredible. I tried hanging curtain rods, and I failed miserably. There’s still a hole in my wall from where I fucked it up. But you know me. I can’t be getting that spackle–that paint.

JORDAN: And you need sandpaper.

SASHEER: Sandpaper?

NICOLE: Oh, I guess to sand down the spackle, so it’s the same level as the wall.

JORDAN: Should I come over and help you guys with your homes?

SASHEER: I mean maybe. You just added that whole element that we weren’t aware. Where’s sandpaper come from? Why would I need that?

NICOLE: I think Home Depot. I think Home Depot is anything you need. It’s kind of crazy. They got hammers and nails and stuff, and then they also have, like, laundry sauce. You know? Like, they have everything. It’s wild. Anything in your home that depot has.

SASHEER: Wow. That’s pretty accurate. I never thought of it like that. It is really everything in your home.

NICOLE: Yeah. Isn’t it crazy? They don’t have hot food. They have snacks because snacks are found in your house. But so is hot food, so…

SASHEER: Okay. So it’s not everything, but most things.

NICOLE: Yeah, it can keep you going for a while.

SASHEER: Also, while I was trying to figure out where pictures go in the house, I still haven’t hung that woven wall hanging that you gave me. But I like it so much, and it’s been so long. And I was like, “What wall do I put it on?” I think I figured it out. I think I’m going to move a bull’s head–one of my bull’s heads–and put it, like, above this door. We’ll see. Thankfully, this man’s coming over to help figure that out.

NICOLE: It is funny that you’re like, “One of my bull’s heads.” I hope people listening are like, “What the fuck kind of place she live in?”

SASHEER: Your wall hanging is now one of many macrame things that I have. And I was like, “Oh, should I move this macrame thing to make room for this other thing?”

NICOLE: Listen, when you like something, you like something.

SASHEER: Yeah, I like it.

NICOLE: Yeah. I have a whole herd of giraffes in my house. That doesn’t make any sense. I have bronze giraffes in my home. I have a flamingo lamp. None of this makes sense. What?

SASHEER: But we like it.

NICOLE: Yeah. You know what you like, and you like it. I have this haunted piggy bank in my house that makes me laugh every time I come home.

SASHEER: And it brings me joy, too. I do like it.

NICOLE: You were like, “Put flowers in the slot.” And I did it. And boy, oh boy, does it jazz her up. Her eyes are like quarters. But they’re black, and they’re vacant. And she’s a pig, so she’s, like, chunky. And then she’s got, like, decoration on her. And she’s just smiling every time I come home. And then my duck next to her– Yeah, my house sounds insane. My duck vase next to her looks surprised. So it feels like this haunted pig is scaring my duck. Oh, boy. You know, you gotta fill your house with joyful things, which ain’t got to be that expensive. That pig was free because I took it from somewhere.

SASHEER: This is true. And maybe they’re unloading it because it is haunted. They’re like, “Please take this haunted pig from us.”

NICOLE: I think she’s going to bring me good tidings. I think she’s a good haunting. She’s too cute to be, like, a spooky haunting.

SASHEER: Yeah. And maybe she’ll be, like, your protector. She’ll haunt intruders and other people that don’t belong there.

NICOLE: Yes! Yes, my little piggy!

SASHEER: “This little piggy went to hell…”

NICOLE: “And came back to protect Nicole!” Oh my God. Speaking of protect, you have to see The Beekeeper.

SASHEER: Do I?

NICOLE: Yes. The Beekeeper, starring our very own Jason Statham, is–

SASHEER: “Our?”

NICOLE: Yup. You didn’t know he was ours? It is the movie of 2024, okay? So, Jason Statham–I’m not giving anything away–plays a man who is a literal beekeeper. He makes honey. He is also part of a secret society called the Beekeepers. And in order to be a beekeeper–who’s, like, a killer–I think you actually have to keep bees in real life, which makes zero sense. And then there’s a scene where a truck explodes, and the only thing not exploded in the truck is a book on bees. Like, the amount of bee stuff in here is so incredible. And then Jason Statham literally being like, “I’ve got to protect the Hive,” as he’s, like, killing people was iconic. This man–give him an Oscar. Or at least the People’s Choice Award! Come on! He’s so good. I want to meet him so bad. I love him. Also, the last two minutes of the movie are just incredible. And also Peter from The Hunger Games is in it, and he’s great. Minnie Driver! They got Minnie Driver. They got Jeremy Irons. They got Phylicia fucking Rashad! Can you believe? The Beekeeper’s star-studded motherfucking cast!

SASHEER: Is there a line in there that, like, explains the correlation between bees and everyone in the beekeeper society?

NICOLE: No!

SASHEER: They’re not like, “Just like bees who sting when bothered…”? There’s nothing?

NICOLE: Well, I mean, they’re like, “Bees protect the hive.” But there’s no correlation as to why the secret society of murderous people is called Beekeepers. And there’s only one at a time. And Jason Statham was a beekeeper, and then he retired. And then a crazy lady replaced him, who nobody seems to like. But no, they don’t explain why the murderous beekeepers are allowed to do the things that they do. They don’t explain how they get to the level that they get to. They don’t explain why they have to keep actual bees or learn about bees.

SASHEER: That part is very funny to me. It’s not like beekeeping is not time-consuming. Like, you have to be a killer and keep bees? How do you have time?

NICOLE: You make the time. That’s what happens. You make the time. And then sometimes you gotta leave your bees alone to go avenge things. It’s perfect. It’s a perfect movie. And some of the plot holes? I said “forgiven” because everything else was so fun. It was, like, the most fun I’ve had in a while at a movie.

SASHEER: Oh, that’s nice.

NICOLE: It was great. God, Jason Statham. He’s for the people.

SASHEER: I guess I’ll watch. I’ll get into it.

NICOLE: You got to get into it. I just really hope we get another Hobbs & Shaw. I love Jason Statham.

SASHEER: I loved Hobbs & Shaw. I have seen none of the Fast and Furious movies. But I did see this one-off, and I loved it. I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was funny.

NICOLE: I took you. You were kind of reluctant. And then we left, and you were like, “That was so much fun!” I was like, “I know!” Fast and the Furious is so fun. Gabrus was telling me that when he saw Fast X, the film went out. They were like, “Sorry about that. We’re going to start off where the film dropped off.” And everyone started chanting, “Start it over!” So then they started it over, and then he was like, “It was like Rocky Horror where everyone knew what was happening.” And then he was like, “The minute it got back to where it went out–dead silent.”

SASHEER: It’s like, “Yeah, we gotta know what’s happening now.”

NICOLE: “We have to respect the franchise.” And that’s what I love about people who like these movies. They know it’s silly. They’re like, “But I’m still invested.” And The Beekeeper–I can’t say enough about it. No.

SASHEER: I don’t know what the last, like, big, flashy action movie I saw was. I guess maybe Aquaman, but it was not great.

NICOLE: It was Aquadam.

SASHEER: Aquadam. I mean, because I saw it with my family around Christmas and we saw the first one years ago when it came out for Christmas, I guess it just felt right–even though that one, I was like, “This is also not great.” And I was like, “I have a feeling this will also still not be great.” And I was right. But–you know–there were funnier moments. It did feel like they were like, “The least we could do is make you laugh.”

NICOLE: My favorite thing about Aquaman was that man’s French twist in the ocean–Aquaman’s half brother–that little French roll. Come on. That was nice. That reminded me of, like, grade school. My mom tried to do that for me, and I’d be like, “I don’t want this.”

SASHEER: It also was weird because, like, their hair would just be, like, flowing so much around their head while they’re talking in the water. And I don’t know anything about computer graphics or anything like that, but I have seen things in the water. Like, Wakanda Forever did it. But I believe they were in the water, and it looked really, really good. And yet with the same abilities and technology we still are able to make movies that look crazy.

NICOLE: It is funny when you see a movie now and you’re like, “Wait, why don’t you guys just try harder?” I’ve seen movies now that are in the same location as this one and look better. So, how come y’all didn’t try?

SASHEER: What’s the difference?

NICOLE: What happened? What is this?

SASHEER: And sometimes it’s, like, time or money. Who knows? I don’t know. Hard to say what the thing was, but something was up.

NICOLE: It is hard to say. Also, with the first Aquaman, I was like, “Nicole Kidman is in this? And she be fucking on the land and the sea?”

SASHEER: Yeah. And she was fighting in the second one. Was it her? Probably not. And maybe that’s where the budget went. It’s to create a whole new Nicole Kidman to fight a whale or whatever.

NICOLE: A whale?

SASHEER: I can’t remember what it was.

NICOLE: No offense–if Nicole Kidman is fighting a whale, I cannot suspend my disbelief that that tall, thin lady isn’t just getting knocked the fuck out. Like, no shade to her. A whale?

SASHEER: She probably wasn’t fighting a whale. She is of the ocean, so she probably was, like, riding a whale and maybe fought a machine. I really can’t remember.

NICOLE: It’s interesting. Water movies are interesting. So, like, Avatar: Way of the Water–the first Avatar was not set in the sea, and I have a hard time with change. But I think that’s the genius of James Cameron. So much time passed that I was like, “Oh, yeah, I forgot that the Na’vis were in trees. Yeah, sure. They’re in water now.” I was fine with it.

SASHEER: Oh, good. Yeah.

NICOLE: I had trouble with Wakanda Forever because I said, “No. These folks are in Africa, above water. They’re on the ground with me, and now they’re under the water? I said, “No me oh my.”

SASHEER: Yeah, yeah, I get that. It was quite a change.

NICOLE: Yeah. A lot of it was under the water. I didn’t finish it, unfortunately. Maybe I should. Maybe I should give Wakanda Forever another chance.

SASHEER: I think so. I really enjoyed it. And I also liked Way of the Water–Avatar–but I was like, “Now I feel like I’m in an aquarium, watching a movie about whales.” Like, there was a good 30 minutes where I was like, “I love that they’re getting along with all these animals, but I don’t need to see them swimming and learning about these whales anymore.”

NICOLE: Guess what. I loved it. When people asked me about it, I was like, “There’s chunks of the movie where no story is happening and people are hugging on whales and being like, ‘This whale just told me a joke.’ And I loved it because I didn’t know the joke the whale told, but I could use my imagination.” Imagine it was like, “I’m drowning. Just kidding! I’m a whale!”

SASHEER: And that is a good joke. You know what? That’s the comedian of the whole herd. But yeah, that’s not far off from what happened in the movie, where they’re like, “This whale is the poet of the community!”

NICOLE: I would love to hear a haiku from a whale. I would pay good money for it. I just want to know what animals are thinking. Like, what does my dog think? Is he, like, happy with me? Is he mad sometimes?

SASHEER: That’d be so surprising if he was mad at you because he seems obsessed with you. He’s, like, so happy when you come home, following you around, like, just at your heels. If he was mad, then I’d be like, “Clyde, you’re lying.”

NICOLE: “You’re really leading me on, sir.” Yeah, I guess he is happy. I know he wants me to pay more attention to him, but sometimes I just need to, like, decompress when I get home, and I’m not ready to play. I just need to sit for, like, ten seconds. And then sometimes I’m like, “Can you give me ten seconds?” And then he’ll, like, mope about it. And then I feel bad. And then I’m like, “Okay, well, let’s play.” And then he’s like, “You don’t want to play with me.” And I’m like, “Yes, I do.” So then I have to, like, pick him up, and I have to, like, scratch his little belly and then shake him around a little bit in a kind way. And then we’ll play. And then I’m like, “I can’t believe I had to do all this work to, like, get you back on my side.” But then I’m like, “Maybe I don’t have to do all this work because he’s a dog.”

SASHEER: But dogs have feelings. you do want him to feel loved and provided for, etc. I wonder if there’s some sort of thing you can do when you come home that, like, appeases him enough but does, like, let him go away for a minute, so you have space. Would you teach him to use the dog buttons?

NICOLE: Absolutely not. No. No, I don’t want him to, like, become aware that he’s a dog. I don’t want him to be self-aware that he has no personal autonomy. Imagine discovering, “I can’t leave on my own accord. I also can only communicate via buttons. And I’m solely dependent on this big person who leaves me for hours at a time. And I love them. And I pledge my allegiance to them, but I’ll never be independent.”

SASHEER: For the dogs who can communicate through buttons at home–I wonder what that’s like when they go to, like, the dog park. Are they telling all the other dogs, “Yo, I’m talking to my person. Are you guys?” And they’re like, “No! I didn’t get that choice. I don’t have these options at home.”

NICOLE: I imagine those types of dogs are like people who went to Ivy League, where you know immediately that they went to Harvard. “You know I went to Harvard, right?” “You know I speak to my human.” “We get it, Toot. You speak to your human.”

SASHEER: “Oh, you guys don’t have buttons? Oh…”

NICOLE: “No, Toot. We don’t have buttons.” I don’t know why this dog’s name is Toot.

SASHEER: It’s a good name for a dog.

NICOLE: “Come here, Toot!” Clyde has so many names. I guess not that many. Clyde. Sometimes I call him “Kaleida.” Sometimes I call him “Diva.” Sometimes I call him “Babes.” Yeah. Okay. He does have a lot of names.

SASHEER: And he answers all of them? Wow.

NICOLE: For the most part. Outside, he listens to “Babes” more. He doesn’t listen to “Babes” in the house.

SASHEER: That’s funny.

NICOLE: “Come on, Babes.” Maybe he’s listening to the “come on.”

SASHEER: Probably. That makes sense.

NICOLE: He bit my neighbor for, like, the eighth time. And before he bit her this time, she said, “I know I’m not supposed to put my hand in a little dog’s face.” And then she put her hand in his face, and then he bit her. And she went, “Oh no, he bit me.” And I was like, “Yup because you did the thing you said that you know you shouldn’t do.”

SASHEER: Yeah. That kinda feels like that’s on her.

NICOLE: Yeah. She’s going through it, though.

SASHEER: Oh. Okay. And now it’s even worse. You got bit.

NICOLE: Yeah, I know. Marcy found this cat. Did I tell you this? Marcy found a cat. I said I would take this cat, but then the cat was like, “Raaaaah!” And it scared me. And then my neighbor was walking, and she has a bunch of pets, so I was like, “Hey, neighbor!” I know her name, but I’m not telling you guys. I said, “Hey, neighbor! Do you want a cat?” And she goes, “Let me see if it’s my cat.” And I was like, “Oh, well, it was found not near here.” And then she looked at that cat and said, “That’s not my cat. My cat died two years ago.” And then we were all confused.

SASHEER: It certainly wasn’t her cat.

NICOLE: No because the cat’s not here anymore. And then Marcy stayed at my house because she was dog-sitting. And my neighbor introduced herself to Marcy, and then Marcy said, “Oh, I don’t live here. I’m house-sitting for Nicole.” And then my neighbor said, “Who is Nicole?” Mind you, this lady has knocked on my door at 3:00 a.m. to give me jewels for a party. She yells my name all the time. She says my name every time we interact. And Marcy was like, “The girl who lives here.” And she went, “Huh.” And that was that. So she’s going through it. I don’t really want to get older. Like, I don’t want my neighbors talking about me on a podcast, being like, “She’s going through it.”

SASHEER: That would suck because I guess you wouldn’t know.

NICOLE: No, unless I stumbled upon my cool, youthful neighbor’s podcast, and I was like, “Well, let me see what they’re getting into. Oh, me? They’re talking about me and how I’m going through it.” Do I confront my new, cool neighbors? Like, what do I do?

SASHEER: Well, she doesn’t even know your name, so I don’t know.

NICOLE: She sure doesn’t. She also has a hole in her roof.

SASHEER: Damn.

NICOLE: She was like, “I was laying in bed. And I looked up, and I saw the sky. And I said, “That’s not good.” And I was like, “No.”

SASHEER: The whole sky? That’s a big hole.

NICOLE: It is a big hole. There’s a big old piece of tarp over it.

SASHEER: Oh no.

NICOLE: And she was like, “Do you know anyone who can help me with it?” And I was like, “No, I don’t.” She’s having a great time. Sometimes I’ll just catch her in trees. She’s great.

SASHEER: She’s living free.

NICOLE: Living free. You don’t have any neighbors like that. You’ve never had a neighbor like that, have you?

SASHEER: No. Thankfully, no. I just met some new neighbors that are very nice and, like, normal.

NICOLE: Oh, cool. Sounds nice. Must be nice.

SASHEER: Yeah. And then… Gosh, I must have had a weird neighbor. I mean, when I lived in an apartment, there was two buildings. One was in front of the other. And you had to, like, go through this tiny driveway to get to the back building. And I was in the back building. And the window to my living room faced the window of this woman’s bedroom. And she didn’t like to close her curtains. So sometimes she would just, like, come out of the shower and be all naked in her room.

NICOLE: You were seeing titties?

SASHEER: Yeah. And butt. I was seeing everything. It was kind of a conundrum because I was like, “Should I tell her that this building can see her?” And it was also like… She’s on a corner. So being behind her, I could see it. And even if you just drove past a window to get to the back house, you could see what was going on. And sometimes she would, like, walk up to the window, fully naked, and close the window. And I’m like, “Is this a kink? Do you want people to see you naked? All my curtains are open because this is the living room.”

NICOLE: Maybe she did want you to see her. Did she have a nice body?

SASHEER: Yeah.

NICOLE: Well, I guess nobody has a bad body. What an awful question for me to ask. I can’t believe I did that. But it was a traditionally nice body?

SASHEER: I guess–yeah–what people would call a traditionally nice body. Sure. Yeah.

NICOLE: Oh, boy. I’ve… I don’t think I’ve had a naked neighbor. But when I lived in an apartment that my friend lives in now, I had a shopping cart war with somebody. So there was a shopping cart in the garage for when you went grocery shopping. You could take everything up in the cart right to your apartment and bring it back down. But my next door neighbor left that cart in front of my door, and I know I didn’t do that. I always bring the cart back because I do that in the grocery store, too. You’re not going to catch me pushing it next to my car for it to roll into somebody else’s car. It is not that far to put it back where it belongs, but my neighbor put it in front of my door, so I pushed it in front of their door. So then they pushed it in front of my door. So when I heard them push it in front of my door the minute they closed the door, I put it in front of their door, and it was a whole thing. And then they screamed at me, “Stop putting it in front of my door!” And I was like, “Stop putting it in front of my door!” And I can’t remember how it was resolved.

SASHEER: I can’t believe it amounted to screaming.

NICOLE: Sasheer, I’ll scream at anybody.

SASHEER: I do know this about you.

NICOLE: If you’re wrong, I’ll let you fucking know.

SASHEER: But, like, why did they think it was okay for them to put it in front of your door?

NICOLE: I don’t know. Maybe they were going to get to it later. And they pushed it in front of my door, so they could get in their door. But that’s when you drag it back in front of your door if you’re going to get to it later. Don’t hinder my ability to leave my home.

SASHEER: Yeah, well, you could’ve tripped right over the basket.

NICOLE: I would be so mad, and I would sue.

SASHEER: Yeah, you should.

NICOLE: But who do I sue? My neighbor? Or my landlord for having the basket in the first place?

SASHEER: I mean, there’s cameras, I guess, to catch a neighbor. This feels very silly.

NICOLE: It does feel silly. To Catch a Neighbor–it’s a new TV show.

SASHEER: I had a neighbor. This person I really don’t like, but… Older woman, very old, walks in front of my garage or just walks down the street, but I guess thinks that it’s her responsibility to sweep up the leaves on that street. And my tree leans over the street, and she’s, like, complaining about the amount of leaves that the tree produces. And one time, I was leaving, and she was, like, screaming about the tree and how it should be cut down because it creates too much stuff for her to sweep up. And I was just like, “Well, that’s not your responsibility. There are street sweepers. I’m sorry you don’t want to wait for the street sweeper to come, but you don’t have to sweep anything. And also it’s a tree. And we’re outside. It’s going to make leaves, and they’re going to fall off.” And then I caught her on my camera, sweeping the leaves and then dumping them in front of my garage. And I happened to be parking one day when she was out there. And I walked up to her, and I was like, “Hi. Did you happen to leave a bunch of leaves in front of my house?” And she’s like, “Huh. No, I don’t think so.” And I was like, “Oh, really?” And then I showed her the video, and I was like, “Is this you?” And she was wearing the exact same shirt in the video as she was wearing on the street that day. And she was like, “I guess I could see how you would think that was me, but I don’t think that’s me.” I was like, “You’re sure? That really looks like you.” And she’s like, “No, I don’t think so.” And I was like, “Okay, well, just so you know, that’s a camera. And I can see everything that’s happening out here. So maybe don’t do that again.” And she’s like, “Oh, well, I’ll make sure to tell whoever that is–”

NICOLE: “It wasn’t me, but I’ll tell whoever it is that they shouldn’t be doing that.” That’s very funny.

SASHEER: But it hasn’t happened since, so I guess the message got to her.

NICOLE: Yeah, because you fucking caught her. That’s so wild. I think I behave well, but what if I get caught on, like, a hidden camera show? Do you ever think about that?

SASHEER: I actually don’t. That’s not really on my mind.

NICOLE: Really?

SASHEER: Well, I guess I’m not often behaving badly, so I guess I’m not thinking about what if I get caught?

NICOLE: Well, I feel like wacky things are always happening to me then. Like, is this a TV show? Why is this happening? Sometimes in serious situations I have to, like, pray to God to be like, “Can something weird not happen? I don’t think the other people will like that.” Weird shit just follows me.

SASHEER: Yeah, this is true.

NICOLE: It’s crazy. Do you ever watch clips of To Catch a Predator?

SASHEER: I haven’t in a very long time.

NICOLE: They’re so wild to me–truly astounding. Because if I’m trying to get some kid, I’m not going to their house. I’m making them meet me at a park.

SASHEER: But why have you thought this out? “If it weren’t me…”

NICOLE: Because I was watching one of these videos. And I was like, “What in God’s–? Why would you go to a house?”

SASHEER: It is rather stupid because it’s like, “You know their parents lived there, too.” So, like, the risk is so high that even if it wasn’t Chris Hansen, their parents could be there or a sister–

NICOLE: George Lewis. The dad of one of these children.

SASHEER: Yeah. George Lewis. Everyone has, like, security– Not everyone. But like, some people have security systems. What if you just get caught on camera walking into this house? Like, what?

NICOLE: Yeah. And then you’re taking a walk later around the neighborhood, and then your neighbor comes up to you and goes, “Hey, were you in my house, trying to get my kid?”

SASHEER: “You’re with the same shirt.” “No, I’ll tell them. I’ll tell the person not to do that again. That’s crazy.”

NICOLE: I just think it’s so wild.

SASHEER: Yeah, it’s pretty dumb. I guess they’re just so horny.

NICOLE: That can’t be.

SASHEER: They’re blinded? Their logic is blinding?

NICOLE: It’s so dumb. And then I was like, “Is it real? Or is it, like, maybe scripted, like a lot of reality television is?”

SASHEER: Is it even still on? I feel like that show is so popular that, if I was a pedophile, I’d be like, “I don’t wanna risk that.”

NICOLE: “I’m not going to someone’s house. What if Chris Hansen’s there.”

SASHEER: Are new people getting caught still?

NICOLE: I think so. For whatever reason, it came up on my Explore page on Instagram.

JUDITH: This is what I found.

NICOLE: It ended in 2007. So wild. But I’m also like, “What does a kid have to say to you that’s interesting?”

SASHEER: I don’t think they’re interested in conversation. They’re like, “Wow. We have so much in common.”

NICOLE: You know what? I think you’re right. And I didn’t really think of it like that. I’m like, “What the fuck are they talking about–what kind of Legos you have? Like, I don’t care. Like, that’s crazy.”

SASHEER: They don’t either. I don’t think that’s the goal.

NICOLE: Okay. Fair. Should we answer queries of the world?

SASHEER: Let’s answer some queries of the world?

NICOLE: Also, we didn’t talk about the Willy Wonka… I know this is gonna come out weeks later, but it made me laugh so hard. Did you see it?

SASHEER: Oh, the AI thing?

NICOLE: Yeah, they sold tickets. And then there was just, like, a sad, little Oompa Loompa and, like, a ball pit with nothing in it. And then I saw… It was, like, on Instagram or something. It was like, “If they sold tickets for this now, it would sell out.”

SASHEER: Yeah, because it’s, like, funny.

NICOLE: It’s so funny.

SASHEER: But also, I saw a comment that was like, “If you fell for this bad AI–if you thought that it was actually going to look like that–and you bought tickets, I don’t feel bad for you.”

NICOLE: I mean it did look like AI, and it was, like, $44.

SASHEER: That’s really funny. Someone called the cops. Like, what do you think the cops will do?

NICOLE: “Hello, officer. This Wonk Land is not good.”

SASHEER: “I’ve been scammed. Arrest them.”

NICOLE: I think they did have to refund everybody’s money. But I genuinely think it’s funny that this is going to happen more and more often. Like, people need to… What is it? Not cognitive dissonance. It’s, like, critical thinking. Like, if something looks too good, it probably is too good.

SASHEER: Yeah. All right, let’s help somebody.

NICOLE: Yeah!

TONY: Hi. Hi, Nicole and Sasheer. My name is Tony, and I have a question/query. So I have a case of a stinky girl at my work. And I’m wondering how we go about telling her she’s stinky. And it’s bad because this has been going on for a while, and it seems to be only getting worse. And my coworkers are all very aware of this. And it sucks because they’re trapped in, like, a ten-foot box because they’re baristas. They’re behind the counter, and it gets very hot and gets very bad. And we’re all very close. And it’s gotten really pungent. And you walk past her, and it’s not only smelly. It, like, waters your eyes, and it’s bad. So we found out that she doesn’t necessarily use the deodorant. And we also found out she doesn’t really smell either. Like, she doesn’t have the sense of smell, I guess, because one of our other coworkers has an abundance of perfume and we brought that up to her and she goes, “Oh, I don’t smell it.” So we’re like, “Oh, so she’s obviously not aware of it.” How do we go about telling her in a nice way that isn’t rude because she’s kind of sensitive. And we don’t want to be mean. You don’t want to be mean to someone. We don’t want that. But how do you go about that? We thought about, when it was Christmas time and we were doing Secret Santa, to put deodorant in or something. But we went against that because that would be bullying. And we don’t want to be bullies, but… So any options will help anyone. Thank you guys so much for being funny and amazing. So yeah, thank you so much.

NICOLE: I love the Curious Case of the Stinky Coworker. It sounds like a Nancy Drew. “Nancy Drew and the Curious Case of the Stinky Coworker.” Well, she doesn’t have a sense of smell, so she’s not smelling that she’s funky. I truly think you can pull her aside and be like, “Hey, I know you can’t smell things. But body odor is a thing that happens, you know, when you get older. And I just want you to know you’re a little ripe. So maybe if you start using deodorant, that might help with it. No shade. You can’t smell, girl.”

SASHEER: Yeah. Yeah, I think you can use all the information you have gathered. Like, “Hey, I noticed you couldn’t smell this lady’s perfume, so it makes me feel like you can’t smell. And also, I heard that you don’t use deodorant. That’s cool. I understand people not wanting to use deodorant. But maybe you’re not aware that, you know, we all can smell you. If that’s a thing you don’t want, there’s other alternatives. There’s, like, powder.” I forgot what it’s called. There’s, like, a powder you can put on that does not have, like, parabens or aluminum. If the reason she’s not using deodorant is because she’s, like, au naturel and doesn’t want to, like, have chemicals go inside of her, there are options. So, yeah, I think as long as you’re saying it in a helpful way, hopefully it’ll be heard. I think the worst case scenario is that she’ll be embarrassed. But I would hope she’s not going to be mad because if someone told me, like, you smell, I would want to work on it immediately because that’s embarrassing and I wouldn’t want that to be the case.

NICOLE: Yeah, I think that’s… Yeah. Just talk to her. And then be like, “Also, I like you as a person. This is nothing personal. It’s just a little funky.” And then if she doesn’t change, carry around some Bath and Body Works and just spray her while her back is turned.”

SASHEER: That is bullying.

NICOLE: Is it?

SASHEER: I think so, yeah.

NICOLE: If she doesn’t change?

SASHEER: I mean, it’s up to her to change if she wants to.

NICOLE: But y’all gotta work with her, and she’s stanking.

SASHEER: Yeah, I guess… Well, I don’t know. If it’s, like, a thing where she–

NICOLE: She can’t smell? Spritz her up.

SASHEER: Is it, like, crazy to…? If you bring it up and she doesn’t change and it’s like a thing where it’s, like, affecting the other coworkers, is it crazy to get the boss involved? Be like, “Hey, we approached this person already. Our nose hairs are burning. And she won’t do anything about it. In fact, she pushed me down the stairs when I told her.”

NICOLE: Well, I wonder if, like, corporations have things in place for stinky people. Probably not.

SASHEER: I don’t know.

NICOLE: I’m sure it’s, like, an HR thing.

SASHEER: Yeah, I feel like there’s probably a basic, like, you should have good hygiene thing. But maybe not. I actually have no idea.

NICOLE: Yeah, I guess if she doesn’t change her stinky ways, don’t spray her. Don’t hit her with the moonlit path. But the path you should take is to the manager. And tell her. Be like, “Hey, girl. Since we still be stanking, I gotta talk to Lynnette about this. And I’m really sorry to do that to you, but Lynette has to, like, step in and get involved. And I don’t know what that’s going to entail.”

SASHEER: Lynette is such an HR name. Like, Lynnette definitely is the person you need to talk to.

NICOLE: Lynnette right now is sifting through emails about stinky people and people not showing up on time, being like, “Ugh!” Ooh, Jordan says there are food service protocols, and scent hygiene is a major topic. Interesting. Yeah. So, yeah, if she doesn’t change, get Lynnette involved, and she can pull out a book or something.

SASHEER: Solved.

NICOLE: Solved. When I worked at Lane Bryant, we had this, like, insane dress code. And it was, like, an arbitrary one. Like, I was wearing something that was too tight once, and they were like, “That’s against dress code.” And I was like, “But why?” And they’re like, “It’s too tight–too revealing.” And I was like, “Oh, do you think I’m revealing to the other fat customers that I’m fat?” I was so confused. I was like, “Revealing to who? Titties aren’t out. It’s just skintight.” It was wild. But I guess they didn’t want the Lane Bryant shoppers to know that fat people also work there.

SASHEER: Yeah, that wouldn’t really make sense.

NICOLE: Right? Because you know me. My titties are never out. My butt is never out. It was just very, very tight. And I’ll never forget. My manager’s name was Judith. No shade to Judiths, but this lady… Not great. And she was like, “Nicole, that’s too tight. That’s against dress code.” And I was like, “But can you tell me why?” And she was like, “It’s inappropriate.” I was like, “This is a turtleneck. It was, like, a turtleneck onesie legging thing with, like, a belt on.” And it was just so bizarre.

SASHEER: I’m sure that was her own thing–her own insecurities that she’s putting on you. Yeah. You’re wearing a turtleneck. It’s not inappropriate.

NICOLE: Yeah. No, it was just tight. And I got little titties and a fat ass and I want to show it off.

SASHEER: Yes! Show off those goods!

NICOLE: I know we have to end this episode, but I just tried to do a bra fit. I followed this thing online. I did the measurements. I put it into a calculator. And it told me I’m a 44 Double D.

SASHEER: A Double D?

NICOLE: I’m not a Double D.

SASHEER: No, I don’t think you’re a Double D.

NICOLE: And I don’t understand why these bra calculators keep telling me I’m a Double D.

JORDAN: They’re horrible–the calculators. They’re so bad. I just did one also funny enough. And mine was like, “You’re a 42 Triple G.” And I was like, “What the fuck? What are you talking about?”

NICOLE: Triple G? Where’s the bra place…? Jordan, I don’t know your titty sitch or your back sitch, but I got a wide back and tiny titties, according to this lady in New York, who really crushed my heart and really scarred me. But where is the bra store for the wide back, tiny titty crew? I feel like there’s stores for big ol’ honkin’ titties and little backs and big backs and big titties, but where are the little titty big back bitches supposed to be going?

SASHEER: That’s a really good question. Listeners, if you know, let us know.

NICOLE: Yeah, let me know where someone specializes in big backs and tiny titties.

SASHEER: Big back! Tiny titties!

NICOLE: Big back! Tiny titties! That’s the way I like to party!

JORDAN: I mean, not to bring up… I just remeasured myself, and I should be, like, a 42 D or like Triple. And I was always taught to like, go to Torrid or Lane Bryant. And they’re so expensive, and I don’t want to go there. Also, to add on to the Lane Bryant cheering what you shouldn’t wear, I worked at a company where the HR was so bad that they had to send out a wide company email. There’s maybe, like, 500 employees here. And they sent out the email being like, “This is what you cannot wear to work.” And I’m not even joking. They attached pictures that were so pornographic. They were like, “You cannot wear these leggings.” And it’s, like, some girl bending over. You can see the underwear through it. And I’m like, “What is happening?” And to be fair, the company was primarily, like, 80% men. And I remember being in a meeting, and they were like, “Well, we love that the HR is sending out porn to us.” And I was like, “This is… I can’t work here anymore. I cannot do this.”

NICOLE: No. Get out.

SASHEER: I guess maybe they were like, “Well, these dummies don’t know what we’re talking about. Let’s show them.”

NICOLE: And they were like, “Oh shit. Oh, porn.” Oh that’s so wild. At Lane Bryant, they wanted us to wear, like, casual workwear. And I was like, “Guys, this is retail. I’m on my feet for eight hours to ten hours a day. What do you mean you want me in a kitten heel and a suit? To sell jeans?”

SASHEER: Yeah. It’s also like where you’re selling is casual.

NICOLE: We weren’t allowed to wear sneakers.

SASHEER: That sucks.

NICOLE: But I did wear almost every day my flat Peter Pan slouchy boots, which I just found a pair because they went so deeply out of style. But I found a pair. They’re coming from Italy.

SASHEER: Oh! Well, well, well! Some Italian Peter Pan boots.

NICOLE: Some Italian Peter Pan boots. I also found gold ones with a little kitten heel. They look disgusting. It’s, like, cracked leather. They’re nasty. I squealed like a little piglet last night. I was like, “Oink, oink oink.” And I was like, “Ship them on over!” I’m excited.

SASHEER: I’m excited for you. I can’t wait to see them.

NICOLE: Oh my God. You better believe I bought some rompers. And I’m going to wear my Peter Pan boots with my rompers. Girl. Girl. I’m about to look nasty. I can’t wait. I also happened to be in a Nordstrom Rack yesterday. I don’t even know how I got there.

SASHEER: “I blacked out. I woke up in a Nordstrom.”

NICOLE: Kind of. And I woke up with my feet in some nine and a half shoes. I’m usually an 11. But my feet slid into these denim, glittered, buckled mules. Nasty. I can’t wait to wear those.

SASHEER: Oh, yeah. These were definitely in, like, the comeback of the 2000s fashion.

NICOLE: I’m here for it.

SASHEER: Well, if you are here for some questions or queries or if you want to send us where any wide back, tiny titty people can get bras, you can email nicoleandsasheer@gmail.com, or call or text or send a voice note to (424) 645-7003.

NICOLE: And if you know how I landed in a Nordstrom Rack last night, we also have merch at podswag.com/bestfriends.

SASHEER: We also transcripts for our new episodes. Check them out on our show page at earwolf.com.

NICOLE: Lastly, if you like Nordstrom Rack, don’t forget to rate, review, and subscribe to us! Not Nordstrom Rack. It’s the easiest way to support this show.

SASHEER: They’re not sponsoring us, but get to Nordstrom Rack.

NICOLE: Goodbye from you and yours from Nordstrom Rack!

SASHEER: Bye.