EP. 236 — Sasheer is Excited to Travel to Africa

SASHEER: Hi.

NICOLE: Hi.

SASHEER: How are you?

NICOLE: I’m good. Did you get any socks or bucket hats?

SASHEER: Thank you for remembering my Christmas list. I’m gonna say maybe. Probably.

NICOLE: I’m still waiting on my Christmas wishes to come true.

SASHEER: Which was world peace, true love, and socks.

NICOLE: The most attainable thing–I ain’t got no socks.

SASHEER: Damn. I mean, I’m so sorry.

NICOLE: It’s okay. The dog is just living.

SASHEER: I know. Maybe when she’s full of water, she’ll chill out.

NICOLE: Maybe. Maybe she was just thirsty.

SASHEER: Maybe.

NICOLE: How funny. She’s like, “I will finish this bowl right now.”

SASHEER: She’s still looking.

NICOLE: So, there’s a dog where you are, Sasheer.

SASHEER: There is a dog where I am.

NICOLE: And that’s okay. Dogs have to live. And this dog is dehydrated.

SASHEER: Oh, yeah. We have to wait for this dog to stop drinking. Okay, now she’s stopped. Yeah. Get on that couch. Okay.

NICOLE: How funny. Sometimes I will forget to, like, fill Clyde’s water in the morning. And then in the afternoon, I’m like, “Oh, fuck. I’m so sorry, Clyde.” And I’ll fill it up, and then he’ll drink for so long. And I’m like, “Uh oh. Hey, buddy, you got to slow down,” because sometimes he’ll drink so fast, look at me so happy like, “You finally gave me water, I’m so pleased,” and then vomit on the floor. He drank the water too fast. And it’s just clear. The first time it happened was like, “Oh, it’s just water. He just drank it too fast.” So, like, anytime I forget, I have to, like, take him away from the water and then be like, “Hey, buddy. I promise. I just forgot. You’ll get more water. I’m so sorry. “Oh, golly.

SASHEER: That’s very funny. How is Clyde?

NICOLE: He’s good. Right now, he’s with John–my old roommate, John Milhiser. And I had to, like, berate him yesterday. I was like, “Give me a picture of my dog. Please send me a picture of my dog.” And he finally sent a very, very cute picture of him. I did think he looked a little sad in the eyes, and I like to think it’s because he misses me.

SASHEER: Probably. Definitely. Absolutely.

NICOLE: I really miss him.

SASHEER: But you go back soon, right?

NICOLE: Yeah, I go back, uh, Saturday. And I wish I could bring him places, but he bites people.

SASHEER: Yeah. That does suck because he is the size of a dog that you could bring places.

NICOLE: Yes! He’s a travel pup. But he’s bad to the bone. Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo. Oh, golly. What was I going to say to you? Shit. Man, I don’t remember.

SASHEER: Come on.

NICOLE: It’s so annoying having this mind. It’s a prison. I’ll think of things to say, and then they slip right out, like a loose pussy.

SASHEER: Oh, my goodness! Should we talk about our upcoming Africa trip?

NICOLE: Yes. We are going back home. We’re finally listening to what white people have said for years. “Go back to where you came from!” So, we’re doing it. We’re going to Africa. I’m excited.

SASHEER: I’m so excited. Yes. This will be very fun.

NICOLE: I’ve never been to Africa! We’re getting on a train. We’re going to go see waterfalls. I’m going to meet elephants. I mean, you’ll be with me. So, you’ll meet one, too.

SASHEER: It’s mostly you meeting them. Yeah. I feel like most of our vacations are you meeting animals and me watching you meet animals.

NICOLE: It is funny, I don’t consider myself an animal person, but, like, I really like animals.

SASHEER: You do! I remember when I first texted you, I was like, “What kinds of things do you want to do in Africa?” You were like, “Giraffes.” And I was like, “Oh. Do you want to see a giraffe?” And you’re like, “Yes.”

NICOLE: Wait, what is our full itinerary? You have been really wonderful in handling all of the emails. And the voracity at which they were coming was overwhelming. And I was dealing with a couple other things. And I was like, “I simply cannot.” If it was just me planning, we would be here in the United States.

SASHEER: This is true. Yeah, it was overwhelming. There’s a lot. I guess–yeah–traveling to Africa from the States is not an easy jaunt. You have to, like, map out all these different flights, all these vaccines–so many things. But yes, we’re going on a train for, like, a few days. There’s different game drives, which I guess is just going to see animals. So, we’re going to see animals while on the train. And then we’re going to see that waterfall that’s, like, the Devil’s Pool.

NICOLE: And then, then we’re going to the Seychelles Islands.

SASHEER: And I don’t actually think we have activities there yet. But we’re just going to relax, I think.

NICOLE: Yeah, because we’re going to have action-packed– See, I’m getting a new phone for this trip because my camera’s been buggy, and I don’t want to miss a single animal. I was trying to take a picture the other day and I was like, “What if this happens in Africa and I miss America?” I would be so sad.

SASHEER: Yeah, that would be really sad. That’s smart! So, you are planning for the trip?

NICOLE: Yeah, just for myself. I truly did nothing. Nothing. I was so unhelpful except in an email. I saw “economy,” and I was like, “We’re traveling economy?” And then I found that we have to get new passports. I was just like, “Wow. You really did it. You were truly doing things, and I was not.”

SASHEER: Yeah, it was overwhelming. I do understand. But–yeah–someone had to look at those emails and parse through the information.

NICOLE: You did it. And we are going back to where we came from. And I can’t wait to report to people if it’s good or bad.

SASHEER: I think it’ll be good. I’m really excited. Yeah, I want to see animals and I want to eat good food and I want to be in the water. Yeah, I guess those are all the things I want to do.

NICOLE: Yeah, those are all the things. And I just want to see Africa. It’s a huge continent, and we’re only going to see, like, a glimpse of it.

SASHEER: Truly a tiny glimpse.

NICOLE: Yeah, I’m excited though because we’re doing south and north.

SASHEER: Southeast.

NICOLE: Oh. Southeast. Yes. well, isn’t Seychelles–isn’t that north?

SASHEER: I think it’s just more east. I mean, I don’t know technically. But when I visualize the map, it feels pretty close to the southern tip.

NICOLE: You know what I’m thinking of? I’m thinking of Cape Verde, which is North Africa off the coast of Portugal? I think you’re right about the Seychelles Islands.

JUDITH: Yeah. Seychelles is considered East Africa.

NICOLE: Yes! East Africa! Yeah, yeah. Boy, I’m excited. I can’t wait!

SASHEER: Have you done a 23andMe? We know that your people are from Barbados.

NICOLE: No. Have you done a 23andMe?

SASHEER: I have. And I actually did a couple, and I got mixed things. But I do have a chunk from Ghana and then a little chunk from Nigeria. And what else was in there? Cameroon.

NICOLE: Cameroon!

SASHEER: And then, like, I think it was 5% European or something like that. But, yeah, it’s, like, mostly that area.

NICOLE: Maybe I’ll do one before I go, so I could be like, “Where my people at?” I knew a man from Ghana. Maybe I’ve told you about him. His name is Mr. Henry, and he worked at Lane Bryant with me. He was a security guard, and he was this older man who was the only nice person to me when I first started working there because everyone thought I was weird because I would do things like Ballerina Day and not tell anyone and just wear a tutu and be like, “It’s Ballerina Day.”

SASHEER: Aww.

NICOLE: I’m weird! And he was like, “You’re creative. There’s something about you that’s magical.” And I was like, “Thank you, Mr. Henry!” And he was my only friend.

SASHEER: That’s so nice! I like Mr. Henry.

NICOLE: Yeah, he was really, really sweet. And he would tell me stories about Ghana. And I wonder where he is. Guys, if you’re listening and you have a Mr. Henry in your life who used to work at Lane Bryant, who lives in New York City from Ghana, let me know how he’s doing! I hope this isn’t like the time I was like, “What’s my old pediatrician up to?” And we found out he was dead. That was sad.

SASHEER: That is sad.

NICOLE: But I think Mr. Henry’s living. He’s having a nice time.

SASHEER: He’s thriving somewhere.

NICOLE: Yeah. God, those girls are so mean to me.

SASHEER: That’s not good.

NICOLE: No! And that was, like, the first time I’ve ever been, like, bullied. I was like, “What is this?” But then they finally came around to me, and they’re like, “You’re not weird. Well, actually, you are weird, but you’re, like, funny, too.”

SASHEER: Yeah. Were they older than you?

NICOLE: No. We were all kind of the same age.

SASHEER: I mean, I guess that’s better. I guess older people bullying you would be, like, worse.

NICOLE: Yeah, that would be so mean. If older women who worked at Lane Bryant bullied me, I’d be like, “No, you can’t do that.” And then there was two older women who worked there. And one–when I used to come in and smell like alcohol–she would rub me down with lotion. I can’t remember her name. Scented lotions. I didn’t smell like booze. She was really nice.

SASHEER: That’s very nice–very considerate.

NICOLE: Yeah. People really took care of me there after they were like, “This is her.”

SASHEER: “All right, well, we may as well work with her.”

NICOLE: “Gotta work with her. It’s not going to get any better.”

SASHEER: Yeah. I worked at a Starbucks after college. And it was a mix of people–young people and older people–and it was so fun because you just hear crazy stories from older people’s lives or regulars’ lives or whatever. And I was like, “Oh, I like this! I like this intergenerational workplace setting because I’m just hanging out with, like, other young 20-year-old people who haven’t lived life yet.”

NICOLE: Yeah, I liked jobs with mixed age people because it was, like, interesting. That’s why I like working on sets and being an actor because you meet people of all different backgrounds and stuff and it’s really enriching for your life. But yeah, like, working at a restaurant, you have the old, grizzled person who’s, like, been working in restaurants for years, a young girl who, like, made a lot of money with tips because she was pretty and she’s, like, going to NYU… Yeah. You just, like, meet all sorts of fun people. I think I’ve talked about Booba on this podcast. Have I ever talked about Booba?

SASHEER: This does not sound familiar at all.

NICOLE: When I worked at Chat ‘N Chew in Union Square, my manager’s name was Booba. He was shaped like Grimace, and he would make fat jokes at me. And I was like, “But does he not know? Or is it, like, a mutual thing? Like, am I allowed to do it back?” But when he was mad at you, you’d be like, “Booba, I’m not on the schedule.” He’d be like, “No? Okay. Look again next week.” And you’d be like, “Okay, am I fired?” He’d be like, “I don’t know.” He would never give you a straight answer, and he would just take you off the schedule for a week. And then you’d have to show back up and look at the schedule and see if you were put back on. And sometimes he would take you off the schedule for, like, two weeks if he was really mad at you.

SASHEER: Ooh. That’s not nice.

NICOLE: No. He was terrible. And he wouldn’t let me wait tables. He was like, “You’re too big. You’ll knock into the tables.” So, I was a hostess, and I was like, “I still have to walk around the tables to see people. Your theory doesn’t hold up.”

SASHEER: That’s very funny. It is funny because, like, obviously some training happens at places like restaurants or… I feel like anyone can just work there. And humans are crazy. You have a bunch of people just working there and being like, “Oh, right this way,” but they’re, like, insane back behind the scenes.

NICOLE: Yeah, I would be, like, in the front waiting for people to come in to seat them. And then a girl would come up behind me and be like, “We stole mac and cheese. Do you want some?” And then I’d be like, “Yes, I do.” I’d, like, sneak away from the front, and shovel mac and cheese in my mouth.

SASHEER: Oh, that’s funny.

NICOLE: And then sometimes for a family meal, we would get, like, quesadillas. And you’d open them up and be like, “This chicken’s kind of gray.” And they’d be like, “Yeah, we’re trying to get rid of it.” And it’s like, “Through me? I don’t want this.” They would give us, like, rotten food. It was disgusting. It’s closed, so I can speak ill of it. But I did have a good time working there. It was wild.

SASHEER: I was a caterer in college, and I catered the, like, sporting events. And there would always be so much food left over because rich people would buy all the food for their suite, not eat it, and go home. And so, it was great because all the college students would just, like, eat it or bag it up and take it home. And then, like, we weren’t allowed to save the wine. Like, if they opened a bottle of wine and there was, like, half a bottle left, we had to pour it down the drain. And we were like, “That’s so wasteful.” And so, we’d just drink while we’re cleaning up. And it was really the best job I could have as a college student. It was great.

NICOLE: That sounds good. Remember when we saw Janelle Monae and your cousin got that suite and I took food home?

SASHEER: You wrapped little burgers in napkins. And you’re like, “For later.”

NICOLE: And boy, did I have a nice time eating them later.

SASHEER: Oh, good.

NICOLE: It was funny leaving because a couple people were like, “Oh, I like your work.” And I was like, “I’m holding food I’m taking home from this suite I didn’t pay for.” Life humbles you at every turn.

SASHEER: Hey, you can like free food no matter what your status is in life. Free food is great.

NICOLE: I love free food. On planes, I always take that food whether I want it or not. I guess it’s not free. I paid for it.

SASHEER: This is true. And so, it’d be a waste otherwise. You’d be losing money if you didn’t eat it.

NICOLE: Can I talk about something?

SASHEER: Sure.

NICOLE: What time do you think lunch starts?

SASHEER: Noon.

NICOLE: Judith? Jordan? What time do you think lunch starts? When should the eggs be swept away, the pancakes be flocked out, the waffles be… filed away? I don’t know.

SASHEER: “Filed away?” In a filing cabinet?

NICOLE: Yeah. When do the waffles go to sleep in the filing cabinet?

JORDAN: So, I am, like, a breakfast all-day type of person. So, in that scenario, I’m concerned that you just want breakfast to end at some point. But to answer the main question. For me, lunch is, like, 12:00 or 1:00. That’s when lunch is.

JUDITH: Yeah. Same here. 12:00 or 1:00. And I love breakfast for any type of meal. Like, it’s one of my favorites.

NICOLE: Breakfast is so fun. I have a bone to pick with the Delta Lounge. I had a flight at noon, I believe. So, I was in that lounge at 11:30–magically early for my flight. Can you even? I said, “Let me go get a bagel–fuel for the air.” I wanted me a bagel with some cream cheese–a plain bagel. I was so excited. I step right up to the buffet. It’s lunch. At 11:30 a.m., they want me to be eating chicken and sauce and rice and shit. “Where my eggs at? Where my bagels at? Where’s the fruit? Where are the waffles? Why are they in the filing cabinet? Pull them out.” I was so mad. I was like, “Noon? Noon is afternoon. Lunch is an afternoon delight.” We’re not lunching in the morning. That’s brunch. And brunch–you get lunch and breakfast. That’s why it’s called “brunch.” I was so mad.

SASHEER: I can tell. You’re all riled up.

NICOLE: I couldn’t believe it. And I was this close to being, like, “Can I see a manager?” I couldn’t believe it.

SASHEER: What would they even do at that point? The breakfast is gone. They’re not going to make breakfast.

NICOLE: I know. I know. But it just really is insane to me that anyone wants to eat anything but a breakfast thing until noon. Noon is the flip. And, like, it’s so crazy.

SASHEER: It’s so crazy.

NICOLE: I mean, for me, 1:00 is even better. Noon? A bagel at noon? That’s nice.

SASHEER: Yeah, I still kind of want breakfast at noon. I’m not ready for, like, a meal–a hearty lunch meal–at that point.

NICOLE: Give me a little egg. Give me a frittata. Give me some fruit. I will say my next flight out was a little earlier. I again was early–couldn’t believe it. Their watermelon was banging–slapping even. I love a melon. Should we do a quiz or something? I just got so angry.

SASHEER: You did. It was a lot of energy.

NICOLE: I’m, like, wiped out.

SASHEER: Yeah. Let’s try to cool down with a quiz.

NICOLE: Ooh! “I’ll Reveal Your Most Toxic Trait, But First You Have To Eat Some Breakfast.”

SASHEER: Oh, that seems appropriate.

NICOLE: It does.

SASHEER: Yeah, let’s do that.

NICOLE: This is too much information for this podcast, but I’ve had my period for too long.

SASHEER: What’s too long?

NICOLE: I think it’s going on two weeks.

SASHEER: Whoa.

NICOLE: But I didn’t get it last month, so I feel like it’s like, “Oh, shit. We forgot.” It’s, like, making up for last month, but I’m like, “Bodies don’t work like that.”

SASHEER: I don’t think so either.

NICOLE: Oh no. Do I gotta get my tires rotated–checked up under the hood?

SASHEER: I think someone should check under the hood. Yeah.

NICOLE: I don’t wanna.

SASHEER: I feel like I’ve definitely had my period longer than usual, but I don’t know about two straight weeks.

NICOLE: Okay, here’s the other thing. I could have entered it into my period app wrong. That’s always a possibility. And yesterday I was like, “But where was I when I started?” And I was like, “I know I was home and then left.” But then I was home and then left twice in the last two weeks. So, I don’t know if it’s been two weeks or a week.

SASHEER: That is very interesting. It’s tough. That’s really funny because your app is supposed to, like, help you track it. But if you yourself enter it wrong–

NICOLE: If you’re a dizzy idiot, it can’t help you.

SASHEER: That’s very funny. One time I did have my period for, like, 15 days, but it’s also because I took a Plan B, so… Well, I don’t know if it was because I took a Plan B. I took a Plan B sometime earlier that month. I don’t think anything happened really then. And then I had my period and bled the rest of the month. And I was like, “Interesting.”

NICOLE: I need to go get some Ellas. I think that’s the fat lady one. It’s wild that they came out with Plan B, and they were like, “It’s for everybody.” And then you have to read the small print that’s like, “Not if you’re over 160. That’s the weight limit,” which is crazy.

SASHEER: 160? That’s not– Whoa.

NICOLE: I feel like very few people know about this. But I think Ella is what we have to use. And then I think Jane might be a new one that is for everybody.

SASHEER: Oh, great.

JORDAN: I was going to say, “Even some birth controls–you have to read the weight limit.” I can’t use more than half of the birth controls. And I’m like, “cool, I don’t want to fucking be on it anyways.”

NICOLE: That’s wild. That’s nuts because the average woman is not 160. She’s heavier than that. So, the fats have to have babies? Like, what is that about? What? Why are we forcing the fats to have the babies? The thins can have a choice?

SASHEER: “Well, we don’t want the thins to ruin their body.”

NICOLE: That’s funny, Sasheer. Ooh, that got me good.

SASHEER: “Gotta keep them thin!”

NICOLE: “Gotta keep ’em trim and thin!” Ella, I believe… So, Plan B is over the counter, I think. I think you can get it, like, in an aisle. Ella–you have to announce to the pharmacist that you’re fat because you have to get it from the pharmacy. So, it’s like, “You’re fat and you fuck? You better announce it. We’ve never seen it. You better tell us.”

SASHEER: “I don’t believe it. I need to know.”

NICOLE: That’s funny.

SASHEER: That’s funny. “I’ll Reveal Your Most Toxic Trait, But First You Have To Eat Some Breakfast.”

NICOLE: “Pick something.”

SASHEER: “Pancakes.”

NICOLE: “Breakfast burrito.”

SASHEER: “Banana bread.”

NICOLE: “Eggs Benedict.” I don’t know what’s in hollandaise sauce.

SASHEER: I don’t either. I mostly don’t like Eggs Benedict because I don’t like English muffins.

NICOLE: Whoa. I’m also not an English muffin head. My dad used to love an English muffin. And I was like, “Get real, grow up. Just eat bread, man. Just eat bread.” I don’t like the bumps and the bubbles in the middle. It’s so weird to me. “Egg yolks, lemon juice, Dijon…” And for that reason, I’m out. I’m just not a mustard girl. It’s nasty to me. Pancakes.

SASHEER: I’m gonna do a breakfast burrito.

NICOLE: You love a burrito. I feel like you like handheld food.

SASHEER: I think that’s a fair assessment.

NICOLE: Well, you really like to pick things up. And then you hold it with, like… Your fingers are together.

SASHEER: Like a squirrel or something?

NICOLE: Kind of. Next time you eat, I’ll be sure to snap a pic. You’ll hate that. Remember when I tried to take a picture of you eating barbecue and you wouldn’t let me?

SASHEER: Oh, yeah because I was really, really hungry. And I was like, “This is gonna be messy and nasty, and I don’t want any evidence of this. Please don’t do that.”

NICOLE: But you looked so joyful and serene.

SASHEER: I really was. And I was like, “You’re going to ruin it if you take a picture of me.”

NICOLE: And I didn’t.

SASHEER: “What’s next?”

NICOLE: “Fruit bowl.”

SASHEER: “Bagels.”

NICOLE: Aw, shit. BLT?

SASHEER: “Chilaquiles.”

NICOLE: These are my items. If I started my day with a fruit bowl and a bagel and then, like, slapped into a BLT, I would be so happy. And that BLT looks good.

SASHEER: It does look good.

NICOLE: I’m hungry again.

SASHEER: I think I would do chilaquiles. I like them.

NICOLE: Oh, man, I think I’m gonna have to go with that BLT because it looks so dang good. I love BLTs and nobody ever makes them. They’re hard to find.

SASHEER: Really? I feel like they’re always on menus. No?

NICOLE: Name a restaurant, and I’ll tell you if it’s there.

SASHEER: Oh. Uh…

NICOLE: Exactly.

SASHEER: Hold on! Give me a chance. Are they at Chili’s? Probably.

NICOLE: I don’t think so.

SASHEER: No?

NICOLE: Okay, Judith, can you look up the Chili’s menu because I really don’t think it’s at Chili’s? You have to remember that Chili’s is southwest cuisine.

SASHEER: I have to remember? I actually had no clue what Chili’s served. If someone was like, “You win $1 million if you tell me what cuisine Chili’s is,” I would lose. I don’t know what they serve!

NICOLE: It’s southwestern Tex-Mex! Scroll, scroll. I can’t believe you didn’t know that.

SASHEER: I thought it was like a Ruby Tuesdays.

NICOLE: No, it’s not a Ruby Tuesdays! Yeah, they do not have a BLT, Sasheer.

SASHEER: Damn. All right!

NICOLE: And I want a BLT like that where it’s, like, bread from a bag.

SASHEER: “I like that pre-bagged bread.”

NICOLE: You know what I mean, where it’s sliced up in a bag.

SASHEER: I guess. Yeah. Sure.

NICOLE: Well, sometimes they try to serve it to you, like, on a bun. And I’m not trying to have a bun. I want bagged bread.

SASHEER: Got it.

NICOLE: “Choose your fave.”

SASHEER: “Croissants.”

NICOLE: “Sausages.”

SASHEER: “Overnight oats.”

NICOLE: “Omelet.” Can I tell you about what happened to me and overnight oats?

SASHEER: Yeah.

NICOLE: Okay. Bought the oats. Bought the yogurt. Bought the almond milk. Bought little containers to make the overnight oats. Followed the whole recipe. Got chia seeds. Got it all. I don’t know how to make overnight oats.

SASHEER: Hmm.

NICOLE: They were, like, concrete. They were thick, and I, like, couldn’t spoon it out. It was a brick. And I don’t know how people do it. I don’t know how people cook for themselves. I don’t understand anything. I’m gonna pick sausages.

SASHEER: I love a croissant. It’s just so nice and flaky.

NICOLE: They are, but sometimes it gets all over my shirt.

SASHEER: Yeah, they’re a messy food. It’s a messy pastry.

NICOLE: It’s a deceptively messy pastry because it looks like it has it together. And then it falls right apart in your hands, like me sometimes.

SASHEER: “What looks good?”

NICOLE: “Waffles.”

SASHEER: “Avocado toast.”

NICOLE: “Muffins.”

SASHEER: “Bacon.”

NICOLE: Boy, oh, boy. That bacon looks raw as hell.

SASHEER: Yeah, it came straight out of the pack, and it’s in the process of cooking, but they didn’t want to give us a picture of finished bacon.

NICOLE: What are you choosing?

SASHEER: Bacon.

NICOLE: I think I’m going to go with a waffle because I had a BLT earlier.

SASHEER: Oh, that makes sense. Yeah.

NICOLE: When I was little, I used to love filling up those squares with syrup and then trying to cut right on the line so the syrup wouldn’t fall out, so I’d have a full bite with syrup. Oh, my God. I’ve been fat my whole life.

SASHEER: I actually have a friend who has a waffle maker. Do you have a waffle maker?

NICOLE: No.

SASHEER: It feels like such a, like… It’s like, “I know that I’m going to make waffles enough that I need to have a waffle maker.” It’s such a decisive product to have in your house. And we made both waffles, and then it was time to clean it. I’m sure there’s waffle makers that have removable trays, but maybe not. It was all, like, one thing. So, I had to, like, clean the little squares individually. And I was like, “Well, this kind of sucks.”

NICOLE: Oh, you gotta get real. No.

SASHEER: I was like, “You can’t just lift that up and put it in the sink?”

NICOLE: That’s tough for me. That’s a “no” for me, dog. Well, that makes me wonder, “At a hotel continental breakfast, how often are they cleaning their waffle makers?”

SASHEER: That’s a really good question.

NICOLE: If it’s each individual square, I don’t think that’s getting done every day.

SASHEER: Although those look like you can maybe… Because they’re, like, the ones that you flip, right? Maybe those, like, unscrew and you can wash it in a sink or throw the whole thing in the washer.

NICOLE: Maybe. Okay. You’re restoring my faith in hotel continental breakfasts.

SASHEER: “I don’t want to stop eating waffles at hotels!”

NICOLE: “It’s the best place to eat a waffle! In a hotel! In a hotel lobby!” Isn’t that funny–that the hotel is literally like, “In the morning, come downstairs with everybody else, sit in the lobby, and we’ll feed you lukewarm food. And it’s free! Do you love it?” And we’re all like, “Yes.”

SASHEER: And we do love it. And we will do it. Although I feel like continental breakfast is beginning earlier and earlier, where they’re like, “It’s from 7:00 a.m. to 8:00 a.m.!”

NICOLE: Yes. Yes. They don’t want you to go. They’re like, “It’s from 4:30 to 6:00.”

SASHEER: And you’re like, “I’m never going to be awake. Why are you doing that to me?”

NICOLE: And it’s wild. They don’t want you.

SASHEER: They don’t want you to have breakfast.

NICOLE: They don’t want you to eat breakfast. They don’t want you to have a waffle. They don’t want you to sit with strangers you don’t know in your pajamas. They don’t want you to look at a screaming child with snot coming down their nose and being like, “Am I still hungry?”

SASHEER: Yeah. This is true.

NICOLE: I love DJ Khaled’s videos where he’s like, “They don’t want you to eat a cheeseburger. They don’t want you to swim in water that looks like Listerine,” because I’m like, “Who is ‘they’? Is this man paranoid, and we’re not treating the symptoms that he is saying out loud?”

SASHEER: That’s very funny. We just think he’s motivational. He’s like, “I’m scared.”

NICOLE: “They don’t want me to go swimming. And I’m doing it despite them not wanting me to.”

SASHEER: “They are following me.”

NICOLE: What if 20 years from now, we find out he wouldn’t eat his wife out because “they” told him that “they” didn’t want him to do it.

SASHEER: But that’s the one thing he obeyed.

NICOLE: He was like, “They said they would kill me.”

SASHEER: Or they did tell him. “They want you to eat your wife out, but don’t.”

NICOLE: “I’m not gonna.” Speaking of which, “Eat one last thing.” “DJ Khaled’s wife.” No. I’m kidding.

SASHEER: “Cereal.”

NICOLE: “Crepes.”

SASHEER: “Egg tarts.”

NICOLE: What the fuck is an egg tart?

SASHEER: I really have never heard of that.

NICOLE: “A yogurt bowl.”

SASHEER: “Tart” sounds, like, sweet. But the “egg” part is throwing me. This is, like, an egg pastry? Like, a quiche?

NICOLE: It doesn’t look like a quiche. It looks like a tart with an egg in the middle.

SASHEER: Yeah, it’s, like, bready on the bottom.

NICOLE: Yeah. Let’s see. It looked like a “Portuguese egg tart.” That’s what that looked like.

SASHEER: I mean, it does kind of look good.

NICOLE: Yeah. So, it’s puff pastry. What’s in it? What are the main ingredients? Okay. So, we have butter, flour, water, salt, sugar, more water, cinnamon stick, milk, flour, eggs, and cinnamon? So, it’s egg and cinnamon?

SASHEER: That’s interesting.

NICOLE: Eggs, cinnamon, and sugar? I don’t know about that.

SASHEER: I don’t know about that.

NICOLE: No, we’re not going to do that.

SASHEER: We’re not going to have that tart.

NICOLE: No, no, no, no. What are you picking?

SASHEER: I’m gonna have cereal.

NICOLE: You love cereal.

SASHEER: It’s such an easy thing to fill your belly.

NICOLE: It really is. And I’ve been eating a lot of cereal lately. But I think I’m gonna finish off with something sweet and strong. I’m gonna go with crepes.

SASHEER: Crepes are good.

JUDITH: This is Nicole’s.

NICOLE: Oh, my fucking God.

SASHEER: Oh no.

NICOLE: “Lazy. There’s nothing wrong with a little rest and relaxation. But sometimes you’ve got to actually earn it. You’re the type of person who simply never puts effort into anything they do. And you always seem to have an excuse for why you didn’t do something. Focus on prioritizing your tasks and setting some realistic goals. You might feel better at the end of the day.” Wow, BuzzFeed. Wow.

SASHEER: Wow. They really roasted you.

NICOLE: They really did.

SASHEER: “Stubborn?” I don’t agree with this at all. I mean, I guess this is like, “What’s your most toxic trait?” Fine. “You take strong-willed to a whole different level. Once you decide you’re going to do something or not do something, you simply won’t give up even when it’s to your detriment. You think your ideas are the best.” Well, because they are. “And you never, ever compromise. But if you listened more and tried to hear people out, you might just find life gets a little easier and more peaceful.”

NICOLE: Wow. BuzzFeed is ableist. I’m not lazy, I have ADHD. Okay? I have the mentees. All right? I am mentally ill, and that’s not kind. I can’t do things because my brain won’t allow it.

SASHEER: Yes. And I am strong-willed–

NICOLE: Also, mentally ill.

SASHEER: Because I’m dealing with childhood trauma. And I’m trying to stand up for myself and speak up for myself and choose me. So…

NICOLE: So BuzzFeed, we don’t have toxic traits. We have mental illness. Yeah. Get that. Let’s help people.

SASHEER: Yeah. Now let’s help people.

CALLER: Hi, Nicole and Sasheer. This is Nicole, and I am just calling first to say how much I really enjoy your podcast. I like to pretend that Sasheer is talking to me when she says “Nicole,” even though I know that’s not true. But you’re also my best friends. You don’t know that yet, but that’s okay. So, I am just calling because I have a group of friends who we have been friends for almost 20 years. And we want to celebrate that somehow–someway–by taking a trip. We’re all the same age, but we’re all at different stages in our life. And so, we have, like… I have one friend that’s married, one friend that’s unmarried, and I’m married with two kids. So, we’re all kind of, like, at different stages. So, it feels like it’s hard for me to want to plan things simply because I know it’s going to be a lot for me and my family. And, like, finances aren’t super great with us. We have just, like, a lot of debt because we both went to college and I’m in grad school and doing all these things. So, like, my one single friend is like, “Let’s go to this place.” And I’m like, “I don’t have the money to spend to go to that place.” I want to. I want to do all these things. It also doesn’t help that I live two states away from them, and they live, like, down the street. And so, they’re always planning and plotting, which is so great. But I feel a little left out, and I don’t know how to come across in saying that I want to do these things. It’s not for lack of want. It’s because I don’t think I can afford to do these things. But also coming up to see my family is, like, kind of a boring thing now. And same thing for us. It’s hard for us to go eight hours away to visit with them. So, I don’t know. Any tips or tricks that you can help with that, like… I don’t know how to say, “I want to go on this trip so badly, but I can’t afford it” without that coming across in a weird way that would be stressful.” So anyway, thank you! Bye, bye.

NICOLE: I think it’s okay to say that you can’t afford something. I think that’s… I would rather know that my friend is, like, not coming because they can’t afford it and not for, like, they just don’t want to hang out with me or whatever. I think it’s very easy to just– Or not easy. I think the best course of action would be like, “Hey guys, I can’t afford a trip like that.” But also, you can suggest a freer trip where you plan free activities, where you paint in the park or roller skate in the park or go to a skate park or whatever. Just go to a park. Like, go to a drag show where maybe the cover is not so high. And then maybe if you meet in the middle, the only thing you pay for really is, like, a hotel or something. But, yeah, like, think of ways to, like, see your friends in a cheap way that’s also still fun.

SASHEER: Yeah, I totally agree. I think there’s a lot of–of course–stigma around talking about money with your friends, but also, we’re adults. And people have different things going on and families and situations and whatnot. And I think it’s totally– I think you’ll be surprised at how accepting your friends will be when you say, “Hey, I would love to do this kind of trip, but I can’t afford it.” People get it. I don’t have kids, so I don’t have to pay the amount of money someone who has kids would have to pay on a yearly basis. So, I think taking those things into account… Some people forget. Like, your friend who’s single and can travel whenever she wants probably forgets, “Oh, I have to consider my friends who don’t have that lifestyle and think of maybe something else that we all could do.” And hopefully when you are like, “Hey, I can’t do this kind of trip. Can we do something that’s more local or something in between?” people will be, like, excited to think of other ideas, too. But I think also when you bring this to the group, have an idea. Like, is there some weird, cutesy resort in your state that could be cute for people to come to? They’re not coming to your house to, like, hang out with your family. But they’re, like, going to this weird resort that’s a mile away from you or whatever. Or is there a kitschy amusement park somewhere in between where they live and where you live or something? It doesn’t have to be expensive, but it will be super fun because there’s, like, so many weird, random things in America or in the States that people don’t know about. But if you just look it up, it’s like, “Oh, that would actually be hilarious for us to do. And it’s not that expensive, but it will be a memory for us.” And I think your friends could be down for that.

NICOLE: Yeah, I think so, too. And who doesn’t like doing a fun, weird thing? I love fun, weird things.

SASHEER: Me too. I love fun, weird things.

NICOLE: And sometimes before I do a fun, weird thing, I go, “I don’t want to fucking do this fun, weird thing.” And then I do the fun, weird thing, and I have so much fun.

SASHEER: Yeah. I really wish you were able to go to House on the Rock while we were in Milwaukee.

NICOLE: Same. I really wanted to go. It’s. You know, it sounds unhinged. Maybe we should just take a trip and do it.

SASHEER: I really would. I actually would take a trip just for this.

NICOLE: Yeah, let’s do it. Let’s go. Let’s do one weekend. Although I feel like the last time I went with you somewhere, it didn’t exist. And I’m just worried about that happening again.

SASHEER: This definitely exists. There are other people there. I swear. We’ll check on it. And, like, yeah, I feel like a specific trip would be in order because you were flying in that day, and we were doing a show that night. And the whole house takes hours to walk through. And I did it, but I was still like, “Oh, I’m exhausted.” But you had a whole hour show to do… Two-hour shows! So, I was like, “That would not be good if we had done that that day.”

NICOLE: No, I would have been exhausted and brain dead because by the end of the second show, I was absolutely brain dead. I couldn’t understand what people were saying.

SASHEER: We need to make a special trip.

NICOLE: Okay. Speaking of that thrift store that didn’t exist. I haven’t been to a big nasty thrift store in a really long time with, like, treasures. Do you remember that video of the lady who thrifted a giant bird and put a necklace on it?

SASHEER: Oh, yes, I do.

NICOLE: So, I started following her, and then she DMed me. And she was like, “Oh, I thrift in this area.” I don’t want to blow up her spot. So, I’m going to ask her, like, if she could put together a little map for us and maybe we’ll go– Could you tell what city I was gonna say?

SASHEER: I really could not.

NICOLE: I almost said it! But, yeah, I’m gonna ask her to put together a couple thrift stores for us to go to.

SASHEER: Yeah! That’d be very fun.

NICOLE: See? That’s cheap and fun. Go to a nice, fun place, and go thrifting. Just put… I almost said, “Just put pedal to the metal and really think of a good idea.” What is happening to me?

SASHEER: “Put that pedal to the metal.”

NICOLE: Oh, my god. Should we do another?

SASHEER: Yeah.

NICOLE: “Hi, Nicole and Sasheer. Love the pod. Love both your stand-ups. Sasheer, I’ve honestly watched your most recent one at least three times. I am obsessive and demanded everyone I know to watch it, too, so I can talk about it with them. Okay, I have this friend who I have been super tight with since ninth grade–currently 34. She helped me get out of my shell and become the person I am today. I credit her for a lot of my self growth and in the most positive ways.”

SASHEER: “Recently, we’ve moved to the same region and live about 20 minutes away from each other. Our hometown and most of our friends are six hours away. It was this incredible, serendipitous moment of getting a friend in my new town. However, over the past few years, I’ve noticed that she’s gone from being blunt and assertive to just being mean. Instead of laughing at a silly thing I did or said, she takes the opportunity to call me out and often seems to be trying to make me feel like an idiot/clumsy, etc.”

NICOLE: “At my birthday dinner a few months ago, she misheard a story someone was telling about me. And instead of ensuring she heard what she thought or just laughing and moving on, she yelled across the table in front of everyone, ‘In what world is Jamie quiet? She’s so loud and annoying.’” That’s mean.

SASHEER: “It was one thing to say that as a joke, I guess. There was another that was across an entire table with ten people. And the kicker was, it was my birthday. This is one of the kinder examples I can give you. Anything else would also give me away, and I do want to be anonymous. I’ve always seen her bluntness as positive, especially because until I was about 12, I did not speak much. So, I always loved meeting women who speak their mind freely. But there is a line between speaking your mind and being unnecessarily rude.”

NICOLE: Recently we were driving together and every time I had an idea or a thought or literally said anything, she said some nasty comeback about why it was wrong or stupid or whatever. I also learned on this car ride that her and her husband talk shit about me and my husband–about how we live our lives–which is just like, ‘Why did she tell me this? What is that?’”

SASHEER: “She has gone from this person who lifts me up and wants me to be the best version of myself to a person who is so mean at times. I am crying just thinking about it. Here’s where things get sticky. We have a big group of mutual friends, and she is absolutely closer to them than I am. And I know if I dump her as a friend, I will lose them all. They won’t mean to, but it’s kind of how these things go.”

NICOLE: “And she is the only friend in this town I have, so to dump her also means I’m here alone. My husband’s amazing, but he cannot be every type of relationship I need. That would be insane. I’ve tried talking to her both about her behavior, but I’m just met with hostility and often cruel comments. I really do not know how to fix this or end this or whatever I should do. It seems like all roads lead to me having to really distance myself, but I don’t even know how to start doing this.”

SASHEER: “Do I just quietly not see her as often? Do I fully tell her she’s become too mean for me to want to hang out with? Do I try to mend this? Literally any advice would be amazing because I’m at a loss and I don’t really want to go to my other friends for advice in fear that it would get back to her. Love you guys and love the podcast.”

NICOLE: I have this problem sometimes because my mouth works faster than my brain or vice versa, and I say a lot of really dumb stuff. So, people sometimes really love to grab on to the dumb stuff and make me feel dumb. But this seems different. This seems like this is an actual mean person. So, I’m thinking maybe instead of addressing her hostility towards you because that’s a way to make her more combative, maybe when she says something mean, you go, “Hey, are you okay? Is there something going on that you want to talk about?” And if she’s like, “No, why would you say that?” it’s like, “I don’t know. That comment just seemed like maybe you’re having a tough time.”

SASHEER: I like that. Yeah, because I was wondering if something is going on with the friend because from the beginning of the email, it sounded like they used to be great–they used to be funny and blunt–but now they’re just straight up mean. We never know what’s going on in someone’s personal life until they tell us, so, like, you know, maybe they actually don’t like the town they’re living in. Maybe they don’t like their job, or they are having issues in their relationship. Who knows? Or they’re just, like, generally unhappy now. And so, it’s coming out in a really bad way. It doesn’t excuse it at all, but I do wonder if there’s an internal thing happening that’s making it come out so ugly on the outside. But I like your strategy, Nicole, of being like, “Is something going on? How are you because that came out really harsh? The way you said that was, like, kind of hurtful. And we’re friends. Why would you want to talk to your friend like that?” Yeah, because I do think it’s worth saying something, especially if this is your only friend in this town. Yeah. And sometimes people just need someone to be like, “Hey, I can see you.” I’m sure she has no idea anyone thinks this of her or, like, she’s like, “I’m the funny one!” You know, who knows what she’s thinking about herself? But maybe if you were just like, “Hey, I can see you are actually attacking me.” And maybe she’s doing this to other people in her life, too. And maybe she hopefully will look at this as an opportunity to reflect and hopefully be more conscious with her words. Or she won’t. But it’s at least worth saying something, so she has the opportunity to change. And if she doesn’t, then you just know, “Okay. This is not a person I want in my life because this negativity doesn’t feel good. And I would like to be around people who make me feel good, as opposed to making me feel stupid.” But I think it’s worth letting them try–giving them the opportunity to change if they can.

NICOLE: Yeah. And then with, like, public things with her being like, “She’s quiet! She’s annoying as hell!” I would just be like, “Yeah! I’m that annoying bitch that everybody hates.” Like, I would just double down on that because that one I really don’t think they meant to be mean. Sasheer, I think you’re onto something where, like, maybe they’re like, “I’m the funny friend.” And, you know, you watch enough TV where people are, like, biting insults at each other that maybe that’s what she really thinks funny is and it’s really just morphed into mean mean. The people in my life who, like, sometimes cling onto me when I say something dumb–I know they love me and they don’t want me to feel like I’m an idiot, but that’s just how they’re making me feel. So, I think–wow–you’re inspiring me to have a conversation with other people. Especially if, like, they say something nasty and you’re like, “Hey, are you okay?” if you keep doing that, hopefully they’ll be like, “They keep asking me if I’m okay when I’m joking.” So maybe the maybe they’ll be like, “Oh, I’m just kidding.” And maybe you’ll get to the bottom of that. That is tough. And I do want an update.

SASHEER: Yeah. Me too because that sucks. And yeah, I would hope that that person would want to take the concerned criticism and adjust. But who knows? They could also just be mean. They could be a mean person.

NICOLE: They could be bad to the bone.

SASHEER: Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo.

NICOLE: Bad to the bone.

SASHEER: Solved!

NICOLE: Solved!

SASHEER: If you have any questions or queries, you can email us at nicoleandsasheer@gmail.com. Or you can call, text, or leave a voice memo at (424) 645-7003.

NICOLE: And if you’re cold and naked, we have merch at podswag.com/bestfriends.

SASHEER: And if you want to read some stuff, we have transcripts for our new episodes. You can check them out on our show page at earwolf.com.

NICOLE: If you’ve got time to spare, don’t forget to rate, review, and subscribe! That’s the easiest way to support this show.

SASHEER: Yes!

NICOLE: Well, Sasheer… Goodbye.

SASHEER: Yes. Well… Goodbye!