EP. 226 — Sasheer Is Fiddling with Her Sprinkler with Amber Ruffin & Lacey Lamar

Nicole: Let me know when you’re fucking starting another and you’re ready to go. Can’t believe…

Sasheer: I’m ready.

Nicole: Poor Jordan. For this episode you have two tracks for Sasheer? One for me, the professional who remembered how to do the fucking episode this time. That was wild when I was like, “How do we do this?”

Sasheer: Yeah. You always forget how to do this episode.

Nicole: L.O.L. Hi, Sasheer!

Sasheer: Hi, Nicole!

Nicole: How are you?

Sasheer: I’m good. I spent a lot of time outside fiddling with my sprinkler system like the old man that I’ve become.

Nicole: I like this. Fiddle, fiddle, fiddle. You’ve had some issues with those sprinklers.

Sasheer: I know. I don’t know what to do. I had someone, like, change the whole thing, and now I can control it on my phone. But also, sometimes zones don’t go off, and I don’t understand why. And I’m like, “Did I just fuck up my yard? Should I have left it alone?”

Nicole: Oh no.

Sasheer: It’ll get there. But I don’t know.

Nicole: My sprinklers go off at, like, 3:00 a.m. Sometimes 2:00 p.m. Sometimes 6:00. I’ve decided that my sprinklers are a living thing, and they can do what they want to do.

Sasheer: It’s just when they feel like it. Whenever they’re moved.

Nicole: Whenever the fuck they’re moved, they can go off. But it is funny that sometimes I’ll be in my room, and I’ll be like, “It’s 4:00 a.m.” And there’s just, like, water happening.

Sasheer: Yeah. I mean, I think it is better at night or early in the morning because it’s not getting immediately dried by the sun, so it’s settling into the soil.

Nicole: It’s like that song. “I’m gonna soak up the sun. I’m gonna tell everyone that you like me?”

Sasheer: Okay. You don’t know it.

Nicole: But that is the song, right? “I’m going to soak up the sun?”

Sasheer: Yeah, that’s Sheryl Crow, I’m pretty sure, who I saw at Bonnaroo a few years ago. And she was… It was an early slot–like 3:00 p.m. or something–it wasn’t one of the prime-time slots. And everyone was loving every minute of it, singing her songs back to her. And she was like, “You guys know my songs? Aren’t you, like, 19?” And everyone was like, “Yeah, but we still know it!” It was very cute.

Nicole: That is nice. Can I tell you about something that happened to me today?

Sasheer: Sure.

Nicole: I think my air conditioning is too cold. I got it fixed. And today I turned it on, and my nipple hurts because it’s so cold.

Sasheer: Oh, my God. That’s very cold.

Nicole: But it’s set to 70.

Sasheer: I have the same problem. You were with my house last week, and in the dining room it got so cold. And they can’t be adjusted and then I turned it off and then it gets hot again. There’s no in-between.

Nicole: What was it set to?

Sasheer: Like, 74 or something.

Nicole: It’s that cold at 74?

Sasheer: Exactly. But I don’t even think it’s adjusting. I think it just is that temperature, no matter what I’m setting it to.

Nicole: Oh, interesting.

Sasheer: But the people who fix my air conditioning, I think, were your recommendation. So, it’s those people.

Nicole: It’s those people. They said, “We want you to be so cold.” You know what else is cold? A segment called Best Friends Each Other Having. Just kidding. I know what it’s called. It’s called Besting Each Other. And today we have Amber Ruffin and Lacey Lamar on the show. Amber Ruffin is a writer, executive producer, the host of The Amber Ruffin Show, and a writer on Late Night with Seth Meyers. And she’s bringing back a reimagined version of the beloved musical The Wiz, which is going to come to Broadway in 2024.

Sasheer: And her sister Lacey, is a New York Times best-selling author. She wrote the book You’ll Never Believe What Happened to Lacey: Crazy Stories of Racism, along with her best friend and sister, Amber Ruffin. Together, they just launched their new podcast from iHeart Media and Will Ferrell’s Big Money Players network, the Amber & Lacey, Lacey & Amber Show! Check it out on the iHeartRadio app or anywhere you get your podcasts. All right, let’s start playing Besting Each Other. First up, Amber.

Nicole: Amber. We heard a rumor that your best friend is your sister, Lacey.

Amber: That’s true. Yay.

Nicole: That’s very sweet. And I like it. And we’re going to actually see if you two know each other in a segment we call How Well Do You Know Your Friend? So, the first question is, how did you two meet?

Amber: I had just come out of my mother. And she had come home with me and was probably in the living room.

Sasheer: Great. Love that,

Nicole: Do you remember your first interaction? Do you remember your first, like, memory of “This is my sister, and I love her”?

Amber: My first memory of Lacey is probably when I was mashing up grasshoppers because I could just read earlier than I could make sense of what I was reading. So, I had read there was a drink called Grasshopper. So, I didn’t read, like, ingredients. And you have to make a thing. I just was like, “Grasshoppers are drinkable.” So, I went outside and I caught a bunch of grasshoppers and I mushed them all together. I’m, like, three–four. I’m a baby baby. Lacey comes out. This is one of my first memories. She goes, “It’s okay. Go inside. Go inside.” She’s worried I’m a murderer.

Sasheer: Yeah. I mean, that’s a ride or die right there. She’s like, “I’ll take care of it. Don’t worry. I’ll cover it up. We can bury everything. It’s fine.”

Amber: And if I killed a man tomorrow–the same thing–she would do the same thing.

Sasheer: That’s so sweet.

Amber: It’s sweet, and it’s horrible.

Sasheer: Oh no. I did something similar when I was younger because I thought, like… There was obviously different types of fruit juices and vegetable juices, like carrot juice, pineapple juice, apple juice, etc. And I was very confused that there was no cheese juice. So, I thought I could blend some slices of American cheese.

Nicole: Oh no.

Sasheer: And add sugar and water and make cheese juice. And my parents let me do it. They’re like, “Hey, if this is an experiment you want to try, go for it.” And then they let me have the first sip. And I was like, “Oh, this is nasty.” And they’re like, “Yeah, yeah, it is nasty. If that’s what you think, we agree.”

Nicole: That’s really funny that your parents are like, “All right. Let’s spin up some cheese juice.”

Amber: The girl’s got to find out.

Sasheer: Yeah. I explained this to somebody else, and they’re like, “Isn’t that milk?” I was like, “I guess.”

Nicole: Interesting. Cheese juice is milk. But I’m really glad they went with milk and not cheese juice.

Sasheer: Me too. Okay, next question I’m going to ask is what is your favorite memory of traveling with Lacey?

Amber: My favorite memory of traveling with Lacey… Was Lacey on the trip…? You guys will know. Was Lacey on the trip when we drove to Virginia, and the only CD we had in the car was “Where my girls at? From the front to back…”? No one thought to bring any music. And my dad can still sing every “Where, where, where, where…”

Sasheer: Oh, that’s cute.

Amber: Was she in the car? Was she there that trip, or was she not? I don’t know.

Nicole: Where would she be?

Amber: But she was old enough to not have to go. So maybe she didn’t go. Let’s think.

Sasheer: Where were you going?

Amber: What’s that?

Sasheer: Where were you going? What was the road trip to?

Amber: To Virginia. To Mom and Dad’s family’s… Oh, shit! I know what the best trip is! When we went to Tortuga Bay and fucking… You didn’t say road trip, did you?

Sasheer: No, just any memory of traveling together.

Amber: Me and Lacey went on a train. A plane I mean. Not a train because Tortuga Bay is an island. But we went, we stayed at this resort, and it was so fun. And in Lacey’s room, there was a lizard. And then we cried because we couldn’t catch him, but you know he’s in there. This is one minute ago. We went on this trip. How could I not remember? Tortuga Bay. Funnest trip.

Sasheer: Oh, that’s fun.

Nicole: That’s nice. Where is Tortuga Bay?

Amber: I was scared you would ask that. And I know the answer.

Sasheer: Phones are coming out.

Amber: It’s not even a question… “Tortuga Bay.” Punta Cana. I knew that.

Nicole: Oh, okay. Where’s Punta Cana?

Amber: Punta Cana is that island. It’s the capital of the Dominican Republic. Is it the capital? It’s the only city I know in the Dominican Republic.

Sasheer: I think. Well, listen, we are not geographers. We are not explorers. We don’t need to know this stuff.

Amber: We’re journeymen.

Sasheer: We’re journeymen. Just go–have a nice time–try to catch a lizard. What is your favorite thing about Lacey?

Amber: My favorite thing about Lacey is that she is really nice and, like, kind. You know, in my family work, I mean, we’re very nice, but we’re not like, “Oh, you’re crying. Oh, come here.” Not really. But Lacey’s got that from somewhere and then brought it into the house. So, then I got treated like that. And I don’t know that my brother and sisters got that. But Lacey, I guess, saw Diff’rent Strokes or whatever and then was also gentle with me. But it wasn’t like… I mean, it was a lovely household, but no one was babying a person.

Sasheer: Did she baby everyone–all the other siblings–or just you?

Amber: No. I’m the baby. I get babied. If I see someone else getting babied, I will hit them.

Nicole: That’s what babies do! I’m the baby!

Amber: Do you bite?

Nicole: I’ll hit somebody. I bite.

Amber: I’ll still bite a person. It’s in there.

Sasheer: You’re either a biter or the one that gets bitten.

Amber: Put that on a T-shirt.

Sasheer: All right. If you had to guess, what would you say Lacey’s favorite thing is about you?

Amber: Lacey’s favorite thing about me is how loud and bad I am.

Sasheer: “Loud and bad?”

Nicole: I like it.

Amber: I’m both loud and bad. Y’all know. Don’t act like we’re just meeting.

Sasheer: I guess I don’t know about the bad part.

Nicole: Yeah. I’ve seen you loud. And I’ve seen you have a nice time. But I’ve never seen you sneaky and being bad. Like, I’ve never seen you bite anyone in person.

Amber: I’m just bad as more of a vibe. What we think is bad is, like, having three drinks? That’s bad.

Nicole: Okay. Like, a bad bitch vibe? Okay. Three drinks?

Sasheer: “She’s being so bad! Look at her!”

Amber: You got to be touching your face when you say “bad,” but it’s that kind of bad.

Nicole: When you have three drinks, what are the three drinks you’re having?

Amber: Vodka and sprite.

Nicole: Ooh. Yum, yum, yum! Ooh, she’s bad. She gotta get her sugars and her grain alcohol.

Amber: And also, like, Belvedere vodka, which is, like, the expensive shit. I’ll roll up into the nicest spot-on earth and be like, “Belvedere vodka.” And their face will be like… But then they won’t say anything. But what they want to say is, “Why would you do that?”

Sasheer: Yeah. “You’re ruining it.”

Nicole: Hey, to each their own. You can’t yuck somebody’s yum. That’s not nice. What is something you do–zip, zip, zip–that drives Lacey crazy?

Amber: I insist that she gives every date she has four more chances.

Sasheer: Oh.

Amber: She could be like, “He farted, and then he blamed me,” and I’d be like, “People make mistakes. You have to forgive you. You have to try to make something out of it.” I do that a lot.

Nicole: Why?

Amber: Because you have to try. Everybody acts crazy sometimes. And you have to just assume that you saw the one time they’re ever going to get crazy and give them a couple more chances.

Sasheer: Now, do you think this across the board, or do you think Lacey in particular is a hard judge of character?

Amber: I do think everyone judges their dates too harshly because we’ve all said something stupid on a date. But I do think Lacey is quite harsh. Lacey does not suffer fools–not even a little bit. How she has ever been in a relationship I don’t fucking know. Her requirements are many…

Sasheer: Do you feel like you had to push through and give many chances in relationships in the past?

Amber: No. I was not handing out chances at all. Lacey is right. And I’m wrong. And I never gave it any thought until you just said that to be honest. I cannot think back to one second chance a motherfucker. Not one. So, yeah. Don’t tell Lacey I said that.

Sasheer: We’re going to.

Nicole: We’re going to tell her everything you said.

Amber: What? I thought the crux of the show was I tell you secrets and then you never tell the second person.

Nicole: No. Sorry. We tricked you. You tell us secrets, and then we tell the other person after they tell us their secrets. And then we tell your secrets together.

Sasheer: And then the public gets to hear your secrets.

Nicole: It’s recorded, did you know?

Amber: Oh no. I’m going to get in trouble.

Sasheer: Okay. What is something that Lacey does that drives you crazy?

Amber: What is something Lacey does that drives me crazy? She does do this thing… I mean, this is not a good answer, but it is the first thing that came to my mind. In my office I have, like, a little toy xylophone. And, you know, it just looks like a cute, little thing. And any time I get a little too scared or angry, Lacey takes the thing on the xylophone and goes, “I don’t like your attitude!” Then I have to stop being mad. But I was really mad. You know, I have real things to do and work and stuff. She marches around and goes, “I don’t like her attitude!” So, I guess it’s bad a little bit, but it’s also good.

Sasheer: Yeah, it diffuses things very quickly.

Nicole: Yes. That’s very funny. “I don’t like your attitude!” Oh, God. Okay. Which of you would do better on the CBS long running television series Survivor?

Amber: Fuck. And we would both die instantly. Now, I know no one has ever died on Survivor, but once we step outside and, like, that far away from running water–dead. 100%. I guess I would say I would last longer because I would at least see how it could be fun. But Lacey would be furious from the minute she stepped outside of the indoors. And then that there were other people there? On Survivor, do you have to eat a bug? Is that Survivor?

Sasheer: That sounds like Fear Factor to me.

Nicole: Here’s the thing. Neither one of us have seen Survivor. I just know that there’s alliances and they put your tiki torch out when you gotta go home, and everyone looks kind of vaguely sweaty and dirty.

Sasheer: I think there are challenges in teams. I don’t think you have to, like, eat a bug. But also, I don’t know.

Nicole: I don’t know. Maybe that’s one of the challenges. “Eat a bug. See what happens.”

Amber: If the challenge is eat a bug, I can’t make it. Wait. So, they’re sleeping indoors?

Sasheer: No. They do sleep outdoors.

Nicole: Yeah, I think they sleep outdoors.

Sasheer: We gotta watch an episode. We need to do some research.

Nicole: We ask people all the time who would do better, but we don’t know anything about it.

Amber: You’re saying Survivor, and you’re thinking, like, “Who would do better at singing the Destiny’s Child song?”

Nicole: I went to the Wikipedia page. So “Survivor places a group of strangers on an isolated location where they must provide food, fire, and shelter for themselves. The contestants compete in challenges, including testing the contestants’ physical abilities, like running, swimming or their mental abilities, like puzzles and endurance, for rewards and immunity from elimination. And then they’re eliminated, and they’re voted out by their fellow contestants until one is given the title of Sole Survivor and is awarded $1,000,000.” Damn, that’s a lot of money.

Amber: We got to watch this show. It sounds great!

Nicole: It does sound fun!

Sasheer: People are onto something!

Amber: What is this, the 20th season?

Sasheer: Yeah. I’ll start now.

Nicole: Right now. This is for me.

Amber: I can last longer than Lacey, I think. But both of us are out. She’s out the first round. I’m out the second round.

Sasheer: Fair.

Nicole: Or is it double elimination, but you’re just named last?

Sasheer: Lastly, what do you hope you’re both doing 20 years from now?

Amber: I really think we’re going to be Patty and Selmaing it. We’re just going to be holed up together. She’s going to have an iguana. And I’m going to start smoking again. And we’re going to have the time of our lives.

Sasheer: Cigarettes or weed?

Amber: Cigarettes. I never smoke weed.

Sasheer: Well, I didn’t know how bad you got.

Amber: But. Yeah. Gosh. Did you guys used to smoke?

Nicole: Yeah, I still– I quit, and I started again. It’s a tough cycle. What brand do you smoke or did you smoke?

Amber: I used to smoke Marlboro Lights and I smoked a pack a day for 14 years.

Nicole: Oh, my God.

Amber: And it’s been eight?

Nicole: Congratulations.

Sasheer: I love that you’re looking forward to down the road when you start smoking again.

Amber: Yeah.

Sasheer: This is the thing about when you’re a smoker. You’re a smoker for life. You will always want one. It will always be a nice thing that you used to do. The smell will be like, “Mmm. When I used to do it…”

Amber: I feel like every once in a while, I’ll have a nightmare that I smoked. I’ll wake up and be like, “Why did I–? Oh, it was a dream. Yay!” When I used to have that nightmare, it was real, and I was really scared. But now when I wake up, I know it was a dream because my body can’t make the feeling of having had a cigarette. You know what I mean? But it used to remember. But now it’s completely forgotten. So, I have no idea why I loved it so much. I just know that I did. But I can’t conjure the physical goodness. I know there was some good feeling, but who knows what it was?

Nicole: I don’t know.

Amber: So, if you quit, you’ll get to that point.

Nicole: I mean, if I ever quit for more than a year. Does Lacey want an iguana, or do you want her to have an iguana?

Amber: I want her to have an iguana, so she’s more like Selma, I want to say. I don’t know which one is which, but one of them has one. But Lacey has too many animals. Fuck. That’s what I should have said. What gets on my nerves about Lacey? That bitch got a million animals, and I hate that shit. She has too many animals.

Sasheer: Wait, how many?

Amber: Okay. If you look at the amount of animals she has had, it’s too many. She had, like, two ducks.

Nicole: Wait! A duck?

Amber: She still has a Great Dane. She used to have another Great Dane. She has a little, fluffy puff dog. And she keeps threatening to get a miniature cow. It has to stop. No more.

Sasheer: Does she have a farm or, like, land for the cow?

Amber: Yeah. She lives in Omaha. She got land. She could.

Nicole: I don’t know why you’re stifling this. A duck?

Amber: The duck was good.

Sasheer: That’s Nicole’s dream.

Nicole: I love a duck. And a miniature cow? Oh, what a cutie!

Amber: The duck would come up to you… If you let him out of the duck house, he would come up to you. He would hug you with his wings. It made me want to have a duck real bad.

Nicole: And you’re complaining about this duck?

Amber: Too many ducks!

Nicole: I want a little pig. I want a duck and a pig.

Amber: So, they got those pigs so tiny now that it’s really hard to resist. They’re really small. What if he lived in your purse?

Sasheer: A purse pig?

Amber: A purse pig.

Nicole: I would love a purse pig. It would be so incredible. Wait, who’s Patty and Selma?

Amber: Patty and Selma are Marge Bouvier Simpson’s sisters on The Simpsons. You know how Marge has twin sisters?

Nicole: Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Oh, and “they sound like this?”

Amber: “They sound like this, and they live together.”

Nicole: And that’s why you want to start smoking, I guess. So, you can get that voice going.

Amber: Guys, my voice used to be so sexy. Just kidding. It never was and never will be.

Sasheer: Hey, I think it’s sexy to someone. I think it’s sexy to me. I like it. It’s a good voice.

Amber: I like your voice.

Sasheer: What about mine?

Amber: It’s fine.

Sasheer: Okay. I won’t worry about it. Anyway, we have to bring Lacey back. Thank you so much, Amber.

Amber: I’m just kidding. I love it very badly.

Sasheer: Thank you.

Nicole: I like the way you use “bad” and “badly.” “I love it very badly.”

Amber: I do. And it has to stop. But you know what happened? Fucking I met Maxwell at something. And Maxwell came up to me and said, “Amber! Hi! I saw the this and that, and it was great.” And I said, “Wait! Oh, shut up! Oh, my God! Fricking Maxwell! God, I love you so bad!” And he laughed so hard and said, “Oh, my God. You talk how you talk.”

Sasheer: “You talk how you talk.”

Nicole: That’s very funny. That’s so funny. “You talk how you talk.”

Amber: “You talk how you talk.” I do.

Nicole: I love it.

Sasheer: Okay, now we are going to bring your sister back and ask the same questions and see if you guys really do know each other.

Amber: Yay!

Nicole: Okay. Oh, did you want to start, Sasheer?

Sasheer: I can.

Nicole: Do it. Your mouth was open. And I just started.

Sasheer: All right. We’re back with the second half of Besting Each Other. We just talked to Amber, and now we’re going to talk to her sister, Lacey.

Lacey: Hello.

Nicole: Hi.

Sasheer: Hello. Thank you for doing this. We have a bunch of hard-hitting questions for you to see how well you know your sister/best friend. Are you ready?

Lacey: I’m ready. I’m ready. I got this.

Sasheer: The first question might sound ridiculous. We ask everybody this. But how did you two meet?

Lacey: My mom brought Amber home, and we were happy. I thought it was a little doll. I loved that little thing. And I was just glad she wasn’t a boy. And that’s how it happened. Before that it was a boy. Yuck. So, we were so excited that it was a girl. He’s the only boy, so it’s all girls.

Nicole: It’s all girls and just one boy?

Lacey: Yeah. Yeah. Four girls. One boy.

Nicole: Do you remember your first interaction with Amber?

Lacey: Unwrapping her because, you know, she was all swaddled. Just unwrapping her like a toy–making sure she was a girl.

Sasheer: Take her back if she’s not.

Nicole: You gotta make sure. You gotta put her right back inside. “I don’t want this.”

Lacey:  I just remember unwrapping her, like a little toy, on my mom’s bed. I lay her down, and we were all like, “Aw, look at the baby.”

Sasheer: And how old were you when she was born?

Lacey: Five.

Nicole: So, you were a person?

Lacey: I was a whole person. Yeah. Brought home a little burrito.

Sasheer: Do you have a memory of when you, like, felt like, “Oh, she’s a human and we’re sisters and we’re interacting and, like, actually having fun together.”

Lacey: From the start, I would walk her around. And I would put her on my hip, and I was like, “This is my baby,” like she was my baby. And Amber was a little genius. I mean, so was I. But she could read at, like, three. So, her friends would come over and, like, have her read anything. And she would be like, “Backwards identification!” And we loved doing that. It was like Amber was a little toy and she did little tricks.

Sasheer: That’s fun.

Lacey: She could spell anything. She could read.

Nicole: “Come over and look at my trick, baby.”

Amber: That’s what we did. “Look at this thing! Look what she can do.”

Nicole: What is your favorite memory from traveling together?

Lacey: Oh. Oh. If she didn’t say this story, I’m gonna be mad. My favorite traveling story is we went to a crazy church when we were younger, and we had to do this… It was called a “weeklong retreat.” And every year we did the weeklong retreat. And Amber is a really bad sleeper. And so, we rode on, like, a big old school bus. And I remember all of our friends–I was like, “Gather around. Look at Amber.” And Amber was, like, sleeping. And we’re like, “Amber! Amber!” And she woke up, and she’s like, “Show me your hands. Show me your hands.” And then she went back to sleep. That’s my favorite travel story. She probably didn’t say that story because she’s embarrassed, but she’s crazy. Sleepwalker. She’s crazy sleeping. But I was like, “Everybody, look at this. My sister is asleep. Look at her.”

Sasheer: Did you ask later what that meant?

Lacey: She has an excuse for why she said it, but she don’t know. She’s just trying to make herself look sane. She’s a crazy sleeper. So that’s my favorite travel story. I don’t know what she told, but that’s one of the best ones. It’s my favorite.

Sasheer: That is funny.

Nicole: That is very funny.

Lacey: I can tell she did not say that one, but that’s what it is.

Nicole: You know, we’ll find out later when we bring you two together.

Lacey: Okay.

Sasheer: What is your favorite thing about Amber?

Lacey: My favorite thing about Amber is she’s just a silly bear. She’s funny. If I am in a bad mood and I call Amber, we are going to laugh. And I know people don’t understand this and they think we’re so wrong. I could call Amber and be like, “My house burned down.” In 5 minutes, I would be laughing. She’d be like, “Girl, you didn’t need that house! That raggedy porch? You didn’t want that.” I mean, that’s Amber. We will always find a reason to laugh in the worst–and I mean the worst–moments. But we share that with ourselves. When other people are around, we’re like, “Oh, that’s terrible.” And then when we leave, we laugh and laugh. We’re terrible. But we like to laugh. That is my favorite thing about Amber. I don’t know what she said about me, but that is my absolute favorite thing. We laugh on everything and probably when we shouldn’t, but we’ve always done it.

Sasheer: I love that.

Nicole: I love that, too. I always love laughing at things that you’re not supposed to but it’s pretty funny.

Lacey: And she would always get in trouble at church because… I think she’d been kicked out twice for giggling. You can’t keep giggling. She’s a giggler. She can’t hide it.

Sasheer: Do you guys feel like you have a sister, like, unspoken language?

Lacey: Of course! We speak with our eyebrows. We have hand gestures that mean stuff. When everyone in our family knows… Let’s say someone’s like, “This is my girlfriend, Sally.” And Sally. Don’t look right. We do it to my mom. My mom has no filter. We can just speak with a look–have a whole conversation.

Sasheer: If you had to guess, what is Amber his favorite thing about you?

Lacey: There’s a lot. Number one, I’m beautiful. Number one, I’m the most beautiful in the family. I’m going to say that I am the one that will, I think, tell the truth the most. I’ll be like, “Don’t do that. No.” I don’t sugarcoat stuff. And I think sometimes that makes her mad. But I’m like, “Girl, don’t do that.” So, I’m the “don’t do that” person. And I told her… We were just– If she doesn’t remember this conversation– I swear it was yesterday. I feel like I am the mean one that’s like, “No. If you need someone to tell you don’t do it–no–that’s a terrible idea.” Call me. I will not be like, “Let’s just try.” No, don’t do that. That’s a bad idea. I will tell you something is a bad idea. I will not tell you to try. “Save your money, Amber. Don’t do that. That’s stupid. Don’t do it.”

Nicole: I think we all need someone like that in our lives.

Sasheer: Definitely. That’s a very important role.

Lacey: I think I’m that person.

Sasheer: What is something that you do that drives Amber crazy?

Lacey: I think she hates… Oh, man, there’s a lot. I am a sci-fi nerd, and she does not care for my sci-fi. So maybe that? And also, I love animals. And Amber does not love animals. And she knows that I can have my own farm. If I could just have one small cow. I am not joking. If I could have a miniature cow where I’m at right now, I would have one. Well, I would have two. Steve gonna need a friend. Steve and DeMarcus. It’s animals and my sci-fi. She does not care for any of it. Yeah. I’m going to go with that.

Nicole: I heard you had a duck. What was it like having a duck?

Lacey: First of all, R.I.P. Pete. Pete passed away. It was great. Pete would hug you. You would hold him, and his little neck would go around like this. It was more my daughter’s thing. But I fell in love with Pete. He had his own house. There was a pool on the other side. I’m not kidding. He had a little duck house with a little hang nest. And then on the other side was a pool. This duck was living his best.

Nicole: In-ground or above ground?

Lacey: It was kind of in-ground because it was built up and then…! He had an in-ground pool.

Sasheer: Now, is there a place where you can adopt a duck, or did this duck just come to you?

Lacey: Omaha, Nebraska. I can stick my head out and be like, “Anybody got a duck?” And you will get a tractor supply. So, we were going to do chickens. And so, we went to go get chickens. And my daughter went. And she called me and said, “Ma, they don’t have chickens. They only have ducks.” I said, “Hold on a second.” So, I Googled. And they were like, “Ducks are easier than chickens.” And I was like, “Get two ducks. We got it.”

Sasheer: Wow.

Nicole: That’s so nice.

Lacey: Yeah. Pete was great.

Nicole: What is something that Amber does that drives you crazy?

Lacey: Oh, my goodness. Amber, first of all, doesn’t like clothing. That sounded bad. She just has three things in her closet. She has two pairs of pants and a shirt. And they drive me crazy. And if we’re going somewhere, I’m like, “Is that what you got on? That’s what you’re going to wear? This is what we’re doing? You have a job. Your job is better than mine.” She doesn’t have any clothes. And she doesn’t like things. You want to talk about a minimalist? She’s beyond that. She has nothing. Whatever is behind you–that is too much for Amber. She wouldn’t be able to handle anything in a room. No. No. She’s just nothing. I don’t know how she lives like that. She doesn’t like to shop for stuff. She doesn’t have anything.

Sasheer: Have you ever gifted her, like, clothing or something?

Lacey: All the time. When I go over there, she’s like, “Whose sweater is that?” I’ll leave something out. And I’m like, “That’s your sweater. Take it.” Everything Amber has is probably mine. I leave her stuff all the time. She doesn’t want to wear anything. No. Then that really does drive me crazy. Sometimes I’m in New York. I’m like, “Oh, what can I steal from Amber’s closet?” Nothing. I leave things for her. “I’m in Omaha, Nebraska, and I’m shopping for my sister? You’re in New York. I should open up your closet and be like, ‘Oh, my God.’” Nothing. And she’ll wear it till it falls apart. One of the times when I was there, I took a picture of her feet. Texted her. We’re in the same room. Her toes were sticking out of her slippers. Okay. I’m not ashamed to say it. She should be ashamed. And so, I immediately went to Amazon, and some new slippers came the next day. I was like, “When was that going to be too much for you? When your feet were just touching the ground?” Amber does not care. She’s a little, sloppy baby! And she’s always been that way.

Sasheer: Well, thank goodness you’re here to take care of her.

Lacey: Somebody has to!

Nicole: That’s so funny.

Lacey: I’ll send you that picture later.

Nicole: Please. I would truly love to see it.

Lacey: Amber’s toes sticking out of a slipper.

Sasheer: Okay. Which one of you would do better on the television show Survivor?

Lacey: Oh no. I’m going to say me. I wouldn’t want to do it, but I know how to survive. Amber would lay down and die. Amber would lay down and refuse to run. Now she better have said me because she knows I will survive. I will survive the zombie apocalypse. I’m quizzing her because she lives in New York. That’s ground zero for the zombies and aliens and the diseases! And my dad has raised us like, “If this happens, do this.” He was really big on that. So, I’m still telling Amber, “Do you know how to survive if something happens?” So, it is me. Hands down, I would survive.

Sasheer: That makes sense.

Lacey: Hands down. Yeah.

Nicole: That makes sense. I love it.

Lacey: “I will survive!”

Nicole: “I’m going to make it! We’re going to survive…” Okay. What do you hope you’re both doing in 20 years?

Lacey: Oh, in 20 years? Amber and I want to be doing nothing. In 20 years, I’m going to be almost 70. I want to be doing nothing. We’re going to be sitting around, hopefully with my baby cows on my small farm. I don’t know if Amber is going to be with me. But we are going to be sitting around doing nothing–maybe talking to each other on a Zoom. But we are going to be doing nothing. I feel like Amber wants to be sitting on an island somewhere–somewhere where it’s warm. But I need winter, so I’m going to be somewhere–probably Nebraska–not sure. But I’m just going to be sitting on my couch watching Netflix and ordering food.

Sasheer: That sounds nice.

Lacey: We’re going to be doing nothing and chitchatting.

Sasheer: Yeah. I like that.

Lacey: If she said we’re going to be working, I’m going to be mad.

Sasheer: You’re like, “Please don’t wish that upon me.”

Nicole: I love that you need winter. I feel like most people are like, “No winter.”

Lacey: I’m the only Black person that says that. Yeah. My Black heart has been snatched so many times. But I love the snow, and I love Christmas. And I can’t be without it. I’m sorry. I need that snow. I ain’t running around in it. I’m going to be in my house, looking.

Sasheer: You just want it around you.

Lacey: Oh, and a fire? The fireplace? I need it. I need it. Absolutely need it every year.

Nicole: All right.

Sasheer: Well, that’s the end of our questions. We’re going to bring Amber back–compare.

Lacey: Bring her back.

Nicole: We’re going to see if you’re actually sisters or friends.

Lacey: Or imposters. I don’t know.

Sasheer: Yeah. If not, you have to disown each other.

Nicole: Yeah.

Lacey: I’m okay with that. I told her, “I’m okay to walk away from this and never see you again.” I’ll do it.

Sasheer: That’s the risk. Yeah.

Lacey: “We were on this show, and our answers didn’t match. I never spoke to Amber again. “You guys could be responsible for breaking us apart.

Sasheer: Breaking up a whole family.

Nicole: I take full responsibility for breaking up a family of sisterhood. Okay. We asked you, “How did you meet?” Amber said, “I’d just come out of my mother. Probably in the living room. My first memory of Lacey is probably when I was mashing up grasshoppers because I could read early but I didn’t really understand things. But I read that Grasshopper was a drink. Didn’t read the ingredients, so I caught a bunch and mushed them all together because I’m, like, three or four. And Lacey says, ‘Oh, no, it’s okay. Go inside.’ Meanwhile, I’m a murderer. But if I kill a man tomorrow, she’d do the same thing.”

Lacey: I would help cover that up.

Nicole: Lacey said, “My mom brought Amber home, and we were happy. I thought it was a doll, but I was happy she wasn’t a boy. There’s only one boy. Yuck. My first memory is unwrapping her, making sure she was a girl,” which is a ha ha joke–fun time. You were five. You were a whole person when you got to meet Amber. And from the start, you would just put her on your hip and be like, “This is my baby.” “Also, Amber was a genius, so I would invite people over to have her spell and read things.”

Lacey: Kind of close. Because you read about the grasshoppers. And you weren’t even in school then. Reading how to kill things.

Sasheer: Very advanced. Reading and murder.

Lacey: We had no business having that book.

Sasheer: Yeah! Why is this book just laying around your house? We asked, “What is your favorite memory of traveling together?” Amber said, “Was Lacey the trip to Virginia, and the only song in the car was ‘Where my girls at? From the front to back.’” And then she goes, “Wait. I remember we went to Tortuga Bay. And we went to this resort. And it was so fun. And in Lacey’s room there was a lizard, and we cried because we couldn’t catch it.” And then Lacey said, “We went to a crazy church, and we did a weeklong retreat. And Amber is a crazy sleeper. And we rode on a school bus, fell asleep. She woke up and said, ‘Show me your hands. Show me your hands.’ And we laughed at her.”

Amber: Yep, yep, yep. That’s true.

Lacey: We just went to Tortuga Bay. You’re still brown from it. Look at my tan.

Amber: You’re absolutely right.

Lacey: You messed up.

Amber: I messed up big. Were you on the 702 Where My Girls At trip or not?

Lacey: No, I was not on that trip.

Amber: Okay. All right, good.

Lacey: But I know the story. But no, I wasn’t on it.

Amber: So, I get two points for knowing that she was not on that trip.

Nicole: Yes, two points to you.

Lacey: I like that you can add points in.

Nicole: We asked, “What’s your favorite thing about your friend?” Amber said, “My favorite thing about Lacey is she’s really nice and kind. In my family, we’re nice but not that nice. And Lacey has that thing where you’re nice. And then she brought that into the house.” And she’s gentle with Amber. She’s a baby, and nobody was babying her. But Lacey babied her. And then Lacey said, “My favorite thing about Amber is she’s just a silly bear. I know I can call her up, and she’d have me laugh. She’s so funny. We’ll always find a reason to laugh at the worst things and make it funny. We’re terrible, but we love to laugh. She’s always getting kicked out of church because she was giggling. We also have an unspoken language where we speak with our eyebrows and give each other just a look.”

Amber:  Lacey, you were right.

Lacey: Thank you. It’s true! Amber, what does this mean?

Amber: “Fix your face.”

Lacey: Told you. We have hand gestures.

Sasheer: We asked, “What’s your friend’s favorite thing about you?” Amber said, “Lacey’s favorite thing about me is how loud and bad I am. And I mean bad as, like, a vibe. Like when you’re being bad because you had three drinks.” And then Lacey said, “Number one, I’m beautiful–the most beautiful in the family. And I am the one who will tell the truth the most. I feel like I’m the mean one. Or if you need someone to tell you not to do something or that’s a bad idea, I will tell you not to try. I’m the person.”

Amber: That’s true. You know how you’ll never be like… You got friends that you would never end up here being like, “But I love him.” They would be like, “Well, you know, it’s your decision. Do what you want.” Fucking Lacey would be like, “Kill him.”

Sasheer: “We’ll take care of him.”

Nicole: We asked, “What’s something that you do that drives your friend crazy?” Amber said, “I insist she gives every date she has four more chances. She could be like, ‘He farted and blamed me.’ And I’d say, ‘Give him a chance!’ You have to try! Everyone acts crazy.” And then you said, “I do think Lacey gives people a chance. But she has requirements. She suffers no fools.” But then we asked Amber if she’s given someone a second chance, and she said no. Lacey said, “I think she hates that I’m a sci-fi nerd. She doesn’t like my sci-fi. She also doesn’t like my animals. I love animals. She doesn’t like that I have so many animals. But if I could have a farm, I would.” And then we talked about the duck who had a little house and a pool and is living his best life. And honestly, Amber seemed to love this duck as well, even though she thinks you have too many animals.

Amber: Later, Lacey, I did say I hated how many animals you have.

Nicole: We’re getting there! Don’t skip ahead!

Amber: Oh! Oh. Oh. Oh…

Sasheer: We asked, “What is something your friend does that drives you crazy?” Amber said, “Lacey does this thing in her office where she has a cute little xylophone. And any time I get a little too scared or angry, she grabs the xylophone and says, ‘I don’t like your attitude.’”

Lacey: I don’t like your sass mouth.

Sasheer: And Amber also said that Lacey has too many animals! She had two ducks, a great dane, a fluffy, little dog. She wants a miniature cow. But then she was like, “I did like that the duck would come and give you hugs.”

Lacey: The duck would hug you. But you put it down, and it’s going to chase you. But he’ll hug you.

Sasheer: And then Lacey said, “Amber doesn’t like clothing. She only has three things in her closet. And I’ll be like, ‘Are you going to wear that?’ She just doesn’t have enough clothes. She’s a minimalist to the max. She doesn’t like stuff.” And then Lacey will buy things for her, and she’s like, “I’m in Omaha. Why am I buying stuff for you? You’re in New York. You should be buying your own stuff.” And then she said the most egregious thing was that she had slippers where her toes were sticking out from the bottom of them.

Amber: Why did you tell everybody?

Lacey: And then I sent you the picture in the same room!

Amber: Just so I know I look fine. But she’s right because tomorrow I’m going to Baltimore for three weeks. And I packed, you know, one of the big suitcases–the big one that you have to check. And I packed it and filled it up, and it was all of my clothes.

Sasheer: Everything you own.

Lacey: So, this means if there’s a fire and Amber is home, she could literally leave with everything. I couldn’t even begin. And the clothes are the first thing I’m gonna try to save. I wouldn’t make it. I wouldn’t make it.

Nicole: That’s so funny. Three weeks of clothing is all of your clothing.

Sasheer: That’s really funny.

Nicole: I have so much clothing.

Lacey: But it’s sad. It’s not right.

Nicole: Or maybe it’s efficient.

Amber: Everything I wear I like.

Nicole: That’s a good way to live. We asked, “Which of you would do better on Survivor? Amber said we would both die instantly. Once we were far away from the water, we would be dead.” And then she thought back and said, “Well, I guess I would last longer than Lacey.”

Lacey: What?

Nicole: “But Lacey would be furious the moment she steps outside.” Amber said, “I can last longer than Lacey. Lacey would be out in the first round, but I’m out in the second round.” Lacey said, “Oh, no, I’d say me. Amber would lay down and die. I would figure out how to survive. I would quiz her. I used to quiz around how she would survive a zombie apocalypse because New York is the central theme to zombie apocalypse and stuff like that.”

Lacey: I’ve watched The Walking Dead. I’m well versed on how to survive.

Sasheer: Did you tell these people what happened when you went to the pumpkin patch?

Lacey: But I’m not trying to survive.

Sasheer: Wait, the pumpkin patch? What happened?

Lacey: Girl, these people try to invite me… And every year this happens, where they try to get me to do outside fall things. I mean, it’s almost fall. But they want you to go to a pumpkin patch, which has a maze. Children running around. You got to walk on dirt–sit outside. There’s bugs. I wore sandals so my feet looked like a slave at the end of all this. I had dust and dirt all over it. It was terrible. And then they want you to pick stuff. Pick? You want me to pick apples? Sir. Ma’am. No. Not picking.

Amber: This is why she’s going to die instantly in Survivor.

Lacey: That wasn’t a survival thing. That was for fun. Survivor is not fun.

Amber: I mean, I guess we’ll just take some more points for that answer.

Sasheer: And lastly, we asked, “What do you hope you’re both doing 20 years from now?” Amber said, “I think we will be like Patty and Selma. We’ll be holed up together, and she’ll have an iguana. I’ll be smoking again.” And Lacey said, “Amber and I should be doing nothing–sitting around with baby cows. I’m not even sure if Amber is going to be with me. Maybe we’ll be on Zoom, talking to each other. She’ll probably be on an island somewhere. But I need winter, so I’ll probably be in Nebraska, sitting down and watching Netflix. And I definitely need a fireplace.”

Amber: Lacey, we have to go to an island when we get old.

Lacey: No because there’s hurricanes and I’m not trying to die.

Sasheer: There’s also tornadoes in the Midwest.

Lacey: I’ll vacation, but I’m not going to live there.

Amber: You have to live there.

Lacey: No.

Amber: Say you’re open to negotiations.

Lacey: Okay, I’m open to negotiate.

Amber: Yay!

Nicole: Yay!

Sasheer: Well, this might be the first time ever that none of the answers even matched. Not one question.

Nicole: Wait, there was one. It was too many animals.

Sasheer: Oh, they both did say Lacey has too many animals.

Nicole: And that’s it. That’s the only thing that lined up. I don’t think your sisters. I don’t think you’ve ever met.

Sasheer: You don’t know each other at all.

Lacey: I said if we failed this, it’s over. “Good day, sir! I said good day! I don’t know you anymore!” That is so funny.

Sasheer: No, but I do believe you’re sisters. I could tell by the energy, even though you do not have the same stories or ideas of each other at all.

Lacey: No, I don’t know her. We just have too many stories. We have too many.

Amber: That’s true. Yeah. Friends only have so many stories.

Nicole: You’re like, “And we will share none of them today.”

Lacey: Yeah. Friends only got five stories. We’ve been together for 45 years.

Amber: A thousand stories.

Nicole: Thank you for doing this. You guys are truly delightful.

Amber: You guys, thanks for having you. Next time, can it just be, like, math problems? Or, like, a spelling bee?

Lacey: We need a plaque behind you saying, “We failed miserably.”

Sasheer: Yeah. We’re going to get one made. Just for you. We’ve never given anyone a plaque, but we will get one.

Nicole: We’re going to get one made for you. Wait, you are good at spelling. I’m going to look up a good spelling bee word. But here’s the hard thing about saying a hard word. They’re hard for me to say. Okay, I found a word. Okay. Voracious. Vorocious? Voracious.

Lacey: Voracious. Like, a very voracious reader.

Nicole: Yes.

Amber: I think it’s–and this sounds wrong–V.O.U.R.A.C.I.O.U.S.

Nicole:  I’m so sorry. V.O.R.A.C.I.O.U.S. Not only have you failed the Besting Each Other segment, but you have failed the spelling bee portion.

Amber: I failed the segment I insisted on having!

Sasheer: Yes. You asked for this.

Amber: Okay. Okay. Just one more. But it’s, like, what are the heaviest things you can lift.

Nicole: Okay. I’m going to look up a word. “Heavy to lift.”

Amber: No! I just want a feat of strength. But I will spell something that is heavy lift. W.E.I.G.H.T.S. Weights.

Nicole: Okay. Yes. And that’s a funny way to do a spelling bee, where you go, “In fact, I won’t spell the word you’re asking me to. I’ll bring my own word.”

Sasheer: “I’ll bring my own category.”

Amber: You guys. I lost the sixth-grade spelling bee–maybe it was fourth grade–instantly because my word was diamond. And my best friend’s name was Dymond Washington. D.Y.M.O.N.D.

Sasheer: That’s tricky. You’re like, “But it is the D.Y. There she is! Ask her!”

Lacey: “Dymond, come up on stage!”

Sasheer: Well, thank you two for doing this. This has been very fun.

Lacey: Thank you for having us.

Amber: We made it!

Nicole: Ooh, okay. We didn’t answer any questions today. Sorry about that, everybody. I know you’re pretty disappointed. But there’s other episodes where we do answer questions and future ones where we will answer questions. And if you would like a question answered, you can email nicoleandsasheer@gmail.com. And if you would like a question that’s on your heart to come through with words that somebody hears, we got a phone number. 424-645-7003.

Sasheer: And if you have a question about where to buy merch, you can go to podswag.com/bestfriends.

Nicole: If you’ve got about transcripts, the answers–we got them. Check them out on our show page at earwolf.com.

Sasheer: And if you have any questions about how to support this show, the easiest way is to rate, review, and subscribe.

Nicole: This was brought to you by Big Question.

Sasheer: We love questions!

Nicole: Questions are for everybody. They don’t discriminate.

Sasheer:  All right. Bye-bye.

Nicole: Bye.