EP. 247 — Sasheer Learns About Destroy Dick December

NICOLE: Hi.

SASHEER: Hi.

NICOLE: How are you?

SASHEER: Good. How are you?

NICOLE: Listen. I’m good if it’s not raining today.

SASHEER: It’s not raining today. Thank goodness.

NICOLE: I can’t take it anymore.

SASHEER: It’s not great.

NICOLE: I don’t like it. I don’t like the rain. I did not move to Seattle. That’s where the rain is. It

SASHEER: No, you did not move to Seattle.

NICOLE: No. I live in California, and I just don’t get it. It affects my mood. It affects my overall life. I don’t like it.

SASHEER: Yeah. I’m so sorry.

NICOLE: It’s not okay.

SASHEER: I do like it a little bit because I just sleep and listen to it. I like sleeping to the rain and waking up to the rain. But I also have the luxury of not needing to go anywhere right now. And I’m calling it a luxury and not a dearth of work.

NICOLE: I mean, I do have the luxury to be at home–work from home, but I just… It’s bad. And my house keeps leaking, and I have to deal with that. So now I have a wall that’s just open and fans running on it. And then I bought a wet vacuum. I don’t know how to fucking use it. And I looked at the instructions, and I read them with my good eyes. I had contacts in.

SASHEER: Oh, so those were the good eyes.

NICOLE: Those were my good eyes. And I, like, simply can’t figure it out. And then I had to buy more baking soda because that absorbs water. And I don’t want to get rid of this rug because I love this rug. It’s just tough in these streets.

SASHEER: This is a shop vac? I have one. Sometimes, there’s two switches. One makes it blow out, and one sucks it in.

NICOLE: I’m going to be so mad if I was blowing out and not in. But, like, I think– No, I was blowing in. I was sucking, not blowing. And it wasn’t sucking up the water. But then I was like, “Is the rug just damp? So will it not suck up damp?” But it should.

SASHEER: Yeah, it should.

NICOLE: There’s so much baking soda on my carpet because that allegedly absorbs moisture. And it ain’t stinking.

SASHEER: And then what do you do? Do you vacuum the baking soda out of it?

NICOLE: Yeah. That’s what the internet told me. And right now I just have towels to soak up the water. It’s tough. It’s not fun. I don’t like it. Also, yay, I have a place. But I don’t want to deal with this every time it fucking rains.

SASHEER: I found a website that says– I guess there’s a company that can detect where leaks happen. They have, like, a machine that says where water is coming from. And they’re like, “Before you call us, do these steps to even see if you have a leak.” And it’s, like, shutting off all the water in your home and then seeing if the water meter is still going. Then you know you have a leak. I need to do that because my stairs outside my house are just wet all the time. It’s mysterious, and it doesn’t make sense to me. And I’m like, “It’s not raining today. Why are just the stairs wet?”

NICOLE: Is it soaking?

SASHEER: It’s, like, evident. It’s a darker color than the rest of the floor of the house.

NICOLE: Is it a lot? Do you think it could be an animal who’s, like, peeing?

SASHEER: I think it’s too much. That animal is sick. Unless a bunch of animals are lining up at the top of the stairs and pissing at the same time and leaving.

NICOLE: Imagine. They’re like, “Gotta make it to the piss time!”

SASHEER: I think I talked about it on the show. There was this morning where crows surrounded my home and all started screeching at the same time. And I was like, “Do you need me?” They were like, “Wake up!” And I had a friend who said that sometimes that happens when they see a fellow crow being attacked or something–something that they don’t like. So they surround it and, like, use noise to harass the attackers or something. So I don’t know what was happening out in the yard.

NICOLE: I don’t know. You can go look at them cameras.

SASHEER: This is true.

NICOLE: You can figure it out really easily.

SASHEER: But I really felt like they were, like, on top of the house.

NICOLE: I hope they were just trying to wake you up. They’re like, “This bitch is going to be late! Get up!”

SASHEER: And I was like, “Huh? Don’t they know I have the luxury of not needing to be anywhere right now?”

NICOLE: There was a cat in my backyard–a light orange cat.

SASHEER: I have an orange cat in my yard. I wonder if it’s making the rounds.

NICOLE: Maybe. He’s like, “Gotta go on a trip.” And I was trying to get it inside because I just didn’t know if it was someone’s cat or a street cat that needed saving. And it was like, coming towards me. It was like, “Oh, I think you’re going to help me.” And I was going to help it home. And then I didn’t close the door all the way. And then Clyde came flying out and was like, “Who are you?” and then chased the cat away. And I’m sad.

SASHEER: So is the cat.

NICOLE: Yeah, that cat was like, “I almost got saved, and then this damned dog…”

SASHEER: Well, Clyde was just doing his job.

NICOLE: I know. I know. He’s protecting the house–protecting me. But sometimes I’m just like, “Chill out, sir. I don’t need to be protected in this moment.”

SASHEER: “I’m inviting the cat in.” He can’t tell.

NICOLE: But then I really thought about it. I was like, “I don’t have a litter box. I don’t have anything for this cat.” But I guess I would put it in the bathroom and then go get things until I figured out where it belonged.

SASHEER: Did it have a collar?

NICOLE: See, I couldn’t really tell. It was a little dark. I hope it’s okay.

SASHEER: Probably. The orange cat in my yard is doing just fine. I’ve watched the Ring cameras on it because I’ve had the thought of like, “Does this cat need a home? Is it safe just roaming around on the same night that coyotes are also roaming around?” But I think this cat, like, maybe scratched one of them on the nose or something. I like to think the coyotes respect this cat.

NICOLE: I like this. This cat is king of the coyotes.

SASHEER: Yeah. They’re like, “Oh, the boss is here.”

NICOLE: There’s also a skunk that roams the neighborhood. And I was on a walk, and I was like, “A skunk!” And they move so fast. They’re huge! And then I watched it go into my backyard, and I was like, “Well, I can’t do anything. You’re just going to be in my backyard.” And then sometimes I’ll see it move across the window in the back. And then I’ll turn on the light, and it’ll stop and stare at me because he knows I can’t do anything.

SASHEER: “I dare you.”

NICOLE: “I dare you to come outside. I’ll stink you up.”

SASHEER: Has Clyde ever got skunked?

NICOLE: Thank God no. It would be awful. Charlie got skunked. My former roommate, John Milhiser… I can’t remember what Charlie– Oh, Charlie ran after a skunk and got skunked, and then we had to put him in the garage because he was stinky. And then I think John gave him a tomato bath or something. It was bad.

SASHEER: I also feel like I, like, saw that tomato baths don’t work, or, like, that’s a myth or something. Maybe it worked if he did it.

NICOLE: I think it worked. And then we bathed him in something else. I can’t remember what we did, but we did leave him in the garage for a little bit because he was really stinky. And I was like, “You can’t come in the house.” But someone stayed with him. It wasn’t like we put him in the garage and, like, shut the door and was like, “See ya!”

SASHEER: “We’ll worry about this tomorrow.”

NICOLE: Lord, it’s wild in these streets. Also, houses be falling. It really makes you think.

SASHEER: About?

NICOLE: The way houses are fucking built. Like, I have broached this topic before–I don’t think on the podcast–but I’m like, “Sticks fall in dirt. How do you put the foundation of a house in dirt? It’s going to move.” And the earth be moving and showing us the houses be moving. Houses are falling off their foundation. That’s crazy.

SASHEER: Well, we build houses pretty poorly here. It’s just, like, really thin walls and sticks and stuff. I mean, the fact that, at one point, I had mice going in between my walls in my home. Why is there even space for them? Why isn’t it just, like, concrete? Why is there a gap large enough for rodents even to crawl through?

NICOLE: Insulation.

SASHEER: Yeah, but they’re going through some empty spaces, too. They had too much ease.

NICOLE: Yes. You are correct. On 100 Day Home, which is a show on HGTV. I wonder what HGTV stands for.

SASHEER: Home Garden Television.

NICOLE: Okay. So I’m glad we figured that one out. So Mika and Brian will build you a home in 100 days in Florida. And they always seem to build the frame with, like, cinder blocks, which is something I’ve never seen. Usually it’s sticks and more sticks and then walls. But they do it differently. And I was like, “Well, why don’t we build all houses with cinder blocks?” But I guess if the cinder block house slid down a hill, you going to kill people.

SASHEER: But isn’t there less of a chance of it doing that.

NICOLE: Because it’s heavier? Maybe. I don’t know. Houses are crazy!

SASHEER: They’re crazy.

NICOLE: Whenever I’m driving, like, on the 101 and see those houses all the way up, I’m like, “Is there a day where I’m stuck in traffic and there’s a house sliding towards me?” What do you do? Get out of the car? Dodge the house?

SASHEER: But I don’t think it’s like the house is just on top of the foundation. I think it’s, like–

NICOLE: Sasheer, what do you do when a house looking like a gingerbread house is sliding towards you?

SASHEER: I guess I’m the Wicked Witch. I guess I get slammed and someone steals my shoes.

NICOLE: Oh my God. Could you imagine? If I die and someone steals my shoes, I’m going to be livid.

SASHEER: That would suck.

NICOLE: That’s so rude.

SASHEER: “I’m already dead!”

NICOLE: Yeah. “Keep my dogs covered!”

SASHEER: “I don’t leave my dogs out. Who let the dogs out?”

NICOLE: “Dorothy.”

SASHEER: Did you see that someone stole–I guess maybe it happened a while ago–the ruby slippers from, like, the Academy Museum.

NICOLE: How? There’s not cameras everywhere?

SASHEER: I think it was decades ago. I really didn’t read the article. I read, like, the highlights. But I think it was someone stole the shoes on a dare. “Terry Martin was spared prison and sentenced instead to one year of supervised release for stealing the slippers from the Judy Garland Museum in Minnesota in 2005.”

NICOLE: Oh my God. Wait, Minnesota has the museums because isn’t Paisley Park in there? Yeah, Paisley Park is in Minnesota. So you go to the Judy Garland Museum in Minnesota, Paisley Park…

SASHEER: You can see what’s happened there.

NICOLE: I almost just said, “The two Js,” but Prince doesn’t start with a J. Fucking idiot over here.

SASHEER: There’s two Ps in Paisley Park. But they’re there.

NICOLE: They are. They are both there. They’re iconic. Sometimes I wish I could sing like Judy Garland.

SASHEER: Yeah. Great voice.

NICOLE: Beautiful voice. Or Liza Minnelli. I went into a little hole and was watching just clips from Cabaret. So good. So, so good.

SASHEER: So, so good.

NICOLE: Is there a favorite song that you like to sing?

SASHEER: I mean, if we’re doing karaoke, I usually pick Valerie by Amy Winehouse, who I think covered it from someone else. But I don’t know. Yeah.

NICOLE: It’s interesting how many covers there are out there.

SASHEER: Isn’t it?

NICOLE: Fast Car was covered. Tracy Chapman’s monster hit, Fast Car, was covered by a man.

SASHEER: Is it Luke Combs?

NICOLE: I think it’s Luke Combs.

SASHEER: Yeah, the country singer.

NICOLE: And they had a really great performance at the Grammys.

SASHEER: It was nice to see her.

NICOLE: Oh, my God, she looks great. The booty’s fat. Oh, my God, the hair is right. It felt like she wasn’t wearing any makeup. She looked great! And you could just see how much he revered her and how excited he was to perform with her. I love seeing shit like that.

SASHEER: Yeah. You pointed out there’s this moment where he was just looking at her from the side when she was singing to him, and he’s still mouthing the words.

NICOLE: Like, truly in love with her.

SASHEER: If you’re singing with someone you looked up to, that’s gotta be cool.

NICOLE: My favorite thing to come out of the Grammys… Well, I learned I love an award show. Not watching it live but after the fact if I can skip through things? Oh, boy. I’m having a great time. My favorite thing to come out of it was Meryl Streep grabbing on to Beyoncé for dear fucking life with a cocktail in her hand. And then–oh boy–everybody on Twitter… Well, it’s just so funny. It’s like America does have a problem, where I take the plastic off my sofa, too. Also, why was Meryl Streep there?

SASHEER: I have no idea. It was really funny. Glad she was there, I guess.

NICOLE: It was great.

SASHEER: But I guess she was doing that Record of the Year or something?

NICOLE: Yeah, they were like, “Would you like to present the last award of the night?” It’s so funny. And Beyoncé is leaning back.

SASHEER: And holding her back, too.

NICOLE: Yes. Also, I wonder if Beyoncé every time leaves the house, gets home, and goes, “We can’t do that again. I don’t want to see people anymore.”

SASHEER: It must be exhausting. People just keep coming to her table.

NICOLE: Honestly, it’s like the Beyoncé meet and greet when she goes anywhere.

SASHEER: Yeah! I saw her at the SNL 40th Anniversary. Same thing. Like, there’s a room full of people–including Prince–and people were like, “Beyonceé is here?” And then there was, like, a line of people–of celebrities–waiting to take a picture with her.

NICOLE: I mean, she really is the, like… Who’s bigger? Well, I guess Taylor Swift’s up there with her.

SASHEER: I don’t know if I would say either is bigger. But they both have huge fan bases.

NICOLE: Yes, I love the fashion at the Grammys.

SASHEER: It happened a month ago at this point–when this comes out?

NICOLE: Is it not Black History Month anymore?

SASHEER: No. March.

NICOLE: That’s it. Black History Month is done. That’s a wrap. Did you have a good Black History Month?

SASHEER: I feel like I had a good Black History Month. I was Black.

NICOLE: Now you’re not.

SASHEER: That’s in the past.

NICOLE: Well, now we’re in Women’s history Month?

SASHEER: Yes, so still our month.

NICOLE: It’s still our month. We should have a Black Women’s History Month.

SASHEER: Ooh, I like that.

NICOLE: Okay, that’s in April.

SASHEER: Okay, great.

NICOLE: So we’ll have three months in a row.

SASHEER: Wow. Look at this.

NICOLE: The other night, I was really having trouble. I was like, “August, September, October…” And then I was like, “Wait, October comes right after September?” I was, like, having trouble with the months. Isn’t that silly?

SASHEER: Just that you can’t believe that October comes after September?

NICOLE: Yeah. I was like, “Wow. Fall hits hard. It comes at you fast. Summer’s dune? Fall, fall, fall!”

SASHEER: I guess so, yeah.

NICOLE: And how will you celebrate this Women’s History Month this year?

SASHEER: You know, probably by, like, being a woman and supporting women.

NICOLE: What is April, officially? Is that a month? What are the rest of the month?

SASHEER: It is definitely a month. “April is Black Women’s History Month!”

NICOLE: Whoa! That’s crazy!

SASHEER: Since when?

NICOLE: Yeah! When did that happen, and how come nobody told anybody?

SASHEER: Why have we not been doing things about this?

NICOLE: This is crazy. Oh. We gotta write essays and shit?

SASHEER: This is from a university.

NICOLE: Oh, okay. Can you look up what the other months of the year are if every month has a thing?

JORDAN: I thought you were just asking, “What are the other months of the year?” T

SASHEER: “I’m just curious.”

NICOLE: “List of month-long observances.” Oh, January could be Dry January.

SASHEER: Veganuary.

NICOLE: National Mentoring Month.

SASHEER: Slavery and Human Trafficking Prevention Month.

NICOLE: Start that year strong!

SASHEER: That should be all year.

NICOLE: So February is American Heart Month.

SASHEER: Black History Month.

NICOLE: LGBT History Month? Oh, that’s in the United Kingdom.

SASHEER: Okay. National Bird Feeding Month? I wanna celebrate National Bird Feeding Month.

NICOLE: March is the Brain Tumor Awareness Month in the UK.

SASHEER: Irish American Heritage Month.

NICOLE: Mustache Month. Oh, sorry. Mustache March.

SASHEER: You maybe grow a mustache?

NICOLE: Or ride a mustache?

SASHEER: National Colon Cancer Awareness Month.

NICOLE: Women’s History Month.

SASHEER: Youth Art Month.

NICOLE: They don’t need a month. April is Arab American Heritage Month.

SASHEER: Autism Awareness Month.

NICOLE: Cancer Control Month. Get it under control.

SASHEER: Confederate History–

NICOLE: Whoa! Why? Dalit History Month.

SASHEER: Financial Literacy Month.

NICOLE: April has too much going on. Jazz, Math, Child Abuse Prevention–

SASHEER: Pet Month.

NICOLE: Poetry Writing, Volunteer, Library Month–

SASHEER: Second Chance Month? Second chance for what?

NICOLE: I guess if you break up with someone, April is the month to get back with them.

SASHEER: Oh, I was thinking, like, if the first part of the year was bad for you, you’re like, “I’m starting the year over today. This is my January.”

NICOLE: Sexual Assault Awareness Month. When it rains, it pours, right? Isn’t April a rainy month? May.

SASHEER: ALS Awareness Month.

NICOLE: Asian Pacific Islander Heritage Month.

SASHEER: Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month.

NICOLE: I mean, okay! So we just know it’s going so. Oh. Brain Tumor Awareness Month excluding the United Kingdom. This is wild.

SASHEER: National Flag Month?

NICOLE: There’s just so much.

SASHEER: Wait, there’s another Pet Month? I thought we just had Pet Month.

NICOLE: I thought we had Pet Month, too.

SASHEER: National Smile Month?

NICOLE: Zombie Awareness Month.

JORDAN: Why is there so much happening in May?

NICOLE: The weather is good.

SASHEER: Yeah. You can have festivals and whatnot.

NICOLE: Yeah. Foster Care Month.

SASHEER: June is African American Music Appreciation Month.

NICOLE: Okay, Caribbean American Heritage Month.

SASHEER: Pride Month. LGBT. Yeah.

NICOLE: Okay. Nothing’s really happening in July. National Ice Cream Month.

SASHEER: Disability Pride Month.

NICOLE: South Asian Heritage Month.

SASHEER: August is Language Month.

NICOLE: South Asian Heritage Month again but in the United Kingdom. Wow. That’s my birthday month. Nothing’s happening, so we should just call it Nicole Month.

SASHEER: This is true. It’s up for grabs. Not a lot is happening. Gospel Music.

NICOLE: Yoga Month in September.

SASHEER: Bourbon Heritage Month. Honey Month?

NICOLE: Suicide Prevention Awareness Month is in September. I guess they’re like, “All right. It was a tough nine months. We’ll get in there and tell you.”

SASHEER: “It’s getting darker.” October…

NICOLE: Oh! Black History Month is in October in the United Kingdom, Ireland, and the Netherlands. Interesting. And November has Black Catholic History Month.

SASHEER: October is Pizza Month? Wow.

NICOLE: Okay. No Nut November. Wow.

SASHEER: Destroy Dick December?

NICOLE: Click on it. Oh, so Destroy Dick December is also No Nut November. And that’s when you don’t masturbate. And it’s an internet challenge of sexual abstinence.

SASHEER: And I guess Destroy Dick December is a counterbalance so now you fuck like crazy.

NICOLE: Oh, I see. I see. Interesting. All right. I think I’ll celebrate Destroy Dick December.

SASHEER: Yeah. That sounds good.

JORDAN: I have a question. Is this No Nut November only for those who have dicks?

NICOLE: Interesting. I think anyone who nuts can participate in No Nut November. And that includes people without penises. Everyone who nuts.

SASHEER: Let’s answer some questions.

NICOLE: Let’s do that.

SASHEER: Let’s do that.

CALLER #1: Hi. I hope you’re all doing well. I love your podcast. It gets me through a lot of bad times and good times. Anyway, I have a friendship question because I’ve kind of ended a friendship with someone that I considered a very close, dear friend for at least the last eight years. She’s always the one that I asked to take care of my dog. And that’s a bit of where the situation comes. This woman is obsessed with dogs, and I love that about it. It’s adorable. I have a dog myself, as I mentioned. And we had a little bit of pet sitter drama because she had to cancel last minute because of some health issues–and fair enough. But then a couple months later, it came to light that she’s been talking mad shit about how I take care of this dog. And I just want to make tell you guys that that dog is not wanting for anything. And she gets so much love and attention, and we take hour-long walks three times a day from me or my husband. But this friend just has no problem talking to friends, my neighbors, or people she’s only met, like, one time about how horrible she thinks my husband and I treat this dog because we live in a city. She’s a border collie–that sort of thing. And she’s entitled to her opinion. But it bugs me that she’s talking a lot of gossip about me behind my back. And this is somebody who knows a lot of my deepest, darkest secrets. So it kind of makes me wonder, “What else is she saying about me?” And I know she talks about a lot of other people as well. And it just really hurt me. And right now I kind of cut off contact because I’m the kind of person where when I’m upset and angry, I can’t talk to you because otherwise I won’t explode. So I’m keeping my distance, but I don’t know how to approach the situation further or if I should even continue this friendship because, at this point, I don’t know if I can trust her with anything. Thank you so much. I really appreciate you guys. I hope you all have a great day.

SASHEER: If this is a friendship you want to keep, I do think the answer is saying something. And I think giving space so you don’t blow up is smart. And then when you feel like you can actually, like, approach this person again and have a conversation that hopefully won’t explode, then do that. And maybe just be honest and like, “This makes me sad. This hurt my feelings. I was talking to Susie down the street, and she said that you said I don’t take care of my dog really well. And that sucks because I think I actually take care of my dog really well. And if you had any thoughts, you could just say them to me as opposed to my whole neighborhood who knows me and I live here and also our friends.” Yeah. And, you know, this friend did do bad. So it’s not like you have to tiptoe around anything. You just be like, “Hey, I know you did this. It made me feel really bad. And I would like to be friends, but it’s kind of hard for me because I don’t want you to keep doing this to me.”

NICOLE: Yeah, I think that that’s tough for me. I would probably talk about it in therapy ad nauseam until it didn’t bother me anymore and then talk to them when I felt like a level head to be like, “Hey.” I think I’d say the same thing as you. “Hey, I heard you, like, have been talking about me and how I treat my dog. Just tell me. Is there something that I can improve upon or whatever?” And then honestly, if you decide to continue a friendship with this person, I wouldn’t tell them any more secrets because there’s people in my life who you can’t tell a secret to. And I just know that about them. Like, they are a good person. I like them. It’s fun to hang out with them, but I’m not telling you anything unless I’m okay with everybody knowing.

SASHEER: That sucks. I also wonder what this person’s standard is for taking care of a dog.

NICOLE: Yeah, three hour-long walks?

SASHEER: Well, I guess I meant the friend who’s gossiping. But also I was surprised to hear that.

NICOLE: But I guess a border collie does need activity. But Clyde does not get three hour-long walks. Yeah. Once we go to the dog park, we’re there for, like, an hour. And he’s running around.

SASHEER: Maybe the owners like to run or they themselves are exercise people.

NICOLE: Maybe. I can’t fathom running with Clyde. It would be so hard. And also he would give up. He’s just as athletic as me. Solved!

SASHEER: Solved.

NICOLE: “Hi, Nicole and Sasheer. I have a sticky friends situation. I have two close friends–one I’ve known for 20 years since grade school, we’ll call her Judy, and the other since high school, we’ll call her Cindy. Judy and I have been best friends forever. Cindy was in a different friend group with me. Judy and Cindy were friends in high school but never kept in touch the way I did with both of them. Me and Judy were roommates. And I would have Cindy come over, and we all started getting close and hanging out. But a year after we became a group of three that hangs out a lot, they tell me that they’ve started dating.”

SASHEER: Oh! “I’m happy for them. But it’s hard for me because now I feel like I’m the odd man out. I’m uncomfortable hanging out with them, and I think I’m still trying to get used to it. Part of me thinks that I’m no longer needed in the friendship because I brought them together to hang out more. And now they have each other and don’t need me. I know I shouldn’t think that way, but that’s what’s going through my mind. I really don’t want to lose either of them because we’ve been friends for so long. Any help is appreciated.”

NICOLE: I think since they continue to hang out with you, I think they still want to be your friends. Just because they’re dating, I don’t think that changes how they feel about you as a friend. It’s still two people who are friends with one person. But also, it might be super vulnerable, but you can always say, “Hey, I do feel a little insecure, now that you two are dating, that maybe I am the third wheel and you don’t want to hang out with me anymore?” But if you guys are still hanging out, like, I think you’ve made up something in your brain.

SASHEER: Yeah, because they wouldn’t hang out with you if they didn’t want to. And they probably do want to keep a friendship going because they get to see each other when you’re not there. So if you don’t show up then there’s just the two of them all the time– And I’m sure they have other friends, too. But, like, it’s a nice different dynamic when it’s like, “We’re hanging out as friends, like we have always been!” They just have a separate thing happening on their own. But that’s not excluding you. I mean, I guess it is excluding you because they are in a romantic relationship.

NICOLE: Yes, but I think you got to think of it as your friend has a, like, life without you and it just happens to be another friend that has that life without you. But then you just think about it separately where it’s like, “Oh, they had their life, and they have their life.” And then you just don’t think about it being the same other life. I don’t fucking know.

SASHEER: I mean, honestly, what a gift that your friend is dating a friend. And you’re the friend that’s dating a friend. Like, you already know everyone. Everyone’s already vetted. It’s not like, “Oh, my best friend’s dating a person, and now I have to get to know this person. Does this person even like me?” None of that stuff has happened because you have known these people for most of your life. So how lucky that you, like, get to keep them in your life.

NICOLE: And you brought them together so they’re never getting rid of you.

SASHEER: You’re going to be, like, the officiator of their wedding.

NICOLE: Or the best person. And honestly, a fun thing you could do when you guys hang out is go, “I did this. Don’t forget. Don’t forget.” Every time you leave, just be like, “Don’t forget I brought you together.”

SASHEER: “This is because of me.”

NICOLE: It would never have happened if it wasn’t for me. So when shall we hang out next? Threaten them. That’s my advice. Threaten them!

SASHEER: Yeah. Solved.

NICOLE: Solved!

CALLER #2: Hi, Nicole and Sasheer. I am calling because I feel… Well, because I want to ask you guys, “How do you approach people in the wild?” Like, very literally, when you walk up to someone that you would like to talk to or… Say you guys were just recently on your trip–say you’re sitting at the bar and there are people next to you and you just want to strike a conversation–how do you start that conversation? I am 25 years old, and I feel like so much of my life has been on the phone–on my cell phone–and I don’t know how to just talk to people in real life, which is really sad and embarrassing. But I’m not super embarrassed because I feel like everyone my age is like that. I feel like I’m trying to make friends. I follow the advice of, like, doing hobbies I like, trying to talk to people at work, or whatever. I try new things, I go to class, I go to the gym–but I still just don’t talk to people because I feel awkward and try and, like, everyone is on their phone. And even if I put my phone in my pocket, I don’t talk to people. Okay, anyway, I’m rambling. Just very literally, how do I talk to people without being, like, weird or creepy and, like, to make them actually want to say things back? Okay. Thank you, guys. Much love. Goodbye.

NICOLE: In a bar, you can always just go, “What drink do you have?” That’s, I think, a very easy way into a conversation. And then just have in your pocket, like, what your favorite drink is to continue it. Yeah. That’s my bar one. Also, that works in restaurants. You go, “What is that?!” Yeah.

SASHEER: I like looking at people’s clothes in general, so it is a very easy way to be like, “Where’d you get those shoes? I like this thing that you have.” And then they probably do, too, because they’re wearing it. So they’re like, “Oh my God, I got this from blah, blah, blah.”

NICOLE: Unless they’re like, “My mom made me wear this today.”

SASHEER: Which honestly still opens up a conversation.

NICOLE: “What’s going on with your mom?”

SASHEER: “Oh, what kind of relationship do you have with your mom? Does she often make you wear things?”

NICOLE: Did your mother make you wear things?

SASHEER: Probably.

NICOLE: My mom made me wear this nasty gray sweatsuit that I would wear now that has, like, primary color patches on it. And it just, like, wasn’t in style anymore. And she made me wear it, and I cried. And I was like, “Why are you–?” And I was so mad the whole day.

SASHEER: Yeah. I mean, I guess my mom bought my clothes. I don’t remember a conversation where I had to wear something. I was just like, “These are the options I have because this is what she chose.” So I guess she made me wear those clothes, but I’m hard up on a moment where she was like, “You can’t leave the house unless you wear this thing.”

NICOLE: Fair. But yeah, pointing out an article of clothing is great. Or just being like, “Oh, do you know of any other bars in the area? Is there a good place to get food around here?” I think asking questions is a good way into a conversation.

SASHEER: Yeah. You can start with a compliment. But yeah, the more you keep asking questions… People do like to be asked questions, unless they’re like, “Oh my God, who are you? Why are you asking? What is this, a scam?” But usually they do like being asked questions. And if they are by themselves, they probably are also looking to talk to somebody at a bar or out and about. So yeah, you’d be surprised if you just, like, keep prodding. Something will come up.

NICOLE: Yeah. Also, bringing a friend is a good strategy because I say something, and then you say something to add to the conversation. Now we’re having a nice time.

SASHEER: Yeah. And I also would say maybe to get practice, you can try talking to people you are not necessarily even interested in. You can also just talk to people. And the more people you talk to, the more comfortable you will be. And then when you see someone that you actually are like, “Ooh, I got the hots for that person, I want to talk to them,” you will be more comfortable.

NICOLE: Yeah. Also servers. I talk to servers too much.

SASHEER: And they love it.

NICOLE: Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t. And then when they don’t, I play a game of “Can I win you over? Can I make you love me?” We had a server recently who was great; he showed us a game!

SASHEER: Yeah, that was really fun. What was the name again?

NICOLE: Wait, I have a picture of it. It was a child’s game.

SASHEER: A conversation game. Because someone at the restaurant, like, made a card game. And he’s like, “I bought it. And it’s great.” And he pulled it out.

NICOLE: Rainbow Puppy Poopy Party. We pulled it out. What was yours? And it was a prompt.

SASHEER: Mine said, “It’s nice to be nice. Give someone a compliment.” So I, like, give him a compliment.

NICOLE: And then mine was “Run around the room once,” so I ran around the restaurant. And that got people talking. So yeah, if you want to run around a restaurant.

SASHEER: Real conversation starter.

NICOLE: Oh boy, that was fun.

SASHEER: Yeah. It was very fun. I do want to play that game.

NICOLE: Me too. Solved!

SASHEER: Solved!

NICOLE: You can also bring… I think I’ve said this before. Bring Uno to the bar, and see if someone will play with you.

SASHEER: You have said that before, and I just don’t… It’s a commitment because they’re like, “All right, I’m committed to playing a game of Uno.”

NICOLE: And then you become the Uno lady! If you want to become the Uno lady, you could email nicoleandsasheer@gmail.com, or a Candyland friend, and you could call (424) 645-7003. Have you ever played Candyland?

SASHEER: Yeah, I used to have it.

NICOLE: Me too. What happened? Why did Candyland’s popularity decline?

SASHEER: I think they still sell it.

NICOLE: Do you think board games just in general are having a decline?

SASHEER: No. Board games still exist. You just are not buying them. “I feel like they’re having a decline.” You just aren’t around them. They’re still being sold.

NICOLE: Nobody has them.

SASHEER: If you want to wear our merch to a bar and start a conversation that way, you can go to podswag.com/bestfriends.

NICOLE: If you want to print something out and bring it to a bar, we have transcripts of our new episodes. Check them out on our show page at earwolf.com.

SASHEER: If you’re scrolling on your phone at the bar, you can rate, review, and subscribe! That’s the easiest way to support this show!

NICOLE: See you at the bar, Sasheer.

SASHEER: See you at the bar, Nicole.