EP. 241 — Sasheer Learns That Nicole Loves Nuts

NICOLE: Hola, Sasheer.

SASHEER: Hola, Nicole.

NICOLE: ¿Cómo estás?

SASHEER: Bien. ¿Y tú?

NICOLE: Oh, muy bien. Mucho, mucho bien. I also want to learn French because I watched a French show on the airplane. Yeah. And I learned “cloche” which means “bell.”

SASHEER: What is it?

NICOLE: Bell. Cloche. Bell. That’s what I learned. It means bell in French.

SASHEER: I don’t need you to say “bell” anymore. It’s the French word that I had the issue with.

NICOLE: Cloche.

SASHEER: In what context are they saying “bell.”

NICOLE: I think they were just like, “Oh, they rang the bell.” And I was like, “Oh, they rang the ‘cloche.’”

SASHEER: Like, for class? In what context?

NICOLE: I don’t know! Why am I being hassled? I don’t know.

SASHEER: I just want to know why they’re using a bell.

NICOLE: I don’t know, and I also don’t know why that’s the only word I remember. Let’s see. “Bonjour.” “Comment vas-tu?” that means “how are you?” “Oui.” “Yes.” “Un. Deux. Trois.” “One. Two. Three. “Zéro.” “Zero.”

SASHEER: Nice.

NICOLE: Thank you. And then– Okay, so as I was watching this show, I was like… You know how people are like, “Oh, before I moved to the States, I learned how to speak English watching Friends or whatever”? And I was like, “But how? Were the subtitles on?” Or did they, like, have to decipher what was happening?

SASHEER: I also don’t know how that happens. When we were in South Africa, we were talking to people who were like, “I know 11 languages.” And we were like, “How did that happen?” And they’re like, “Oh, you know, because people from different countries go to your school and you just try to, like, piece together things and you learn each other’s language.” And I’m like, “I absolutely went to school with people who spoke different languages. And I did not learn their language from talking to them.”

NICOLE: Me either. I think it’s because they kept it at home, and they didn’t bring it to school.

SASHEER: “You keep that in your own house!”

NICOLE: And I’m like, “Come on! Bring it from home! Bring it in! Check it out!”

SASHEER: There was that video of that girl who went to Lyon in France and was upset because she was like, “It’s not friendly here. No one is trying to help me. And whenever I speak French, people are mad at me and don’t want me to continue speaking French. I’ve made no friends.” I think she was there for, like, a week or two. And she was like, “I’m having a horrible time.” People were like, “Oh, girl, like, don’t go to France for that.” If you’re trying to make friends abroad, don’t go to France. She didn’t even go to Paris. She went to Lyon. That’s not even a touristy place.

NICOLE: Yeah. When I was in Paris for a day, people were pretty angry when I tried to speak French to them. They were like, “Stop it. Just speak English.” And I was like, “Bo– Bonjour!” And they were like, “No! Shut up!” Oh. When we were in South Africa–we were in Johannesburg–our driver… Sasheer fell asleep. She left me alone with this man. But this man said to us, “Don’t trust anyone in South Africa because you’re going to go to a restaurant with all of your luggage and you’re going to meet people who also have luggage. But their luggage is going to be empty. And they’re going to take you to get drinks. You’re going to have wine. You’re going to be laughing. You’re going to go, ‘I have to go to the bathroom.’ And you’re going to trust them with your luggage. And the woman…” There’s a man and a woman. And the woman is going to go, “I have to go to the bathroom, too.” And she’s going to go to the bathroom with me. And then you would go, “I also have to go to the bathroom.” So, all three women were going in the bathroom–tee-hee-hee–put on lipstick, root stuff out of our pussies, and show each other what we have up in there. I don’t know what kind of fun he thought we were going to have. And then he was like, “And then you’re going to get back to the table, and she’s going to leave the bathroom first. Your luggage will be gone–and so will him and so will her.” And then he’s like, “And then what do you do?” And I was like, “Go to the cops?” And he’s like, “What are you going to tell the cops?” And I was like, “That these people stole our luggage.” And he was like, “No, they’re going to say you were having a fun time. You were drinking wine. Tell them they pulled a gun on you!”

SASHEER: It was such a specific long story or, like, scenario of what could happen to us in Johannesburg if we take our luggage to a restaurant. I was like, “What? You’re driving us to a hotel right now. Why do you think we’re taking our luggage to a restaurant?” And it sounds like maybe this happened to him and he’s like, “This is what happens to everybody here. You gotta watch out. You gotta have your head on the swivel. Make sure you’re not just hanging out with strangers when you’re, like, with all of your luggage. And then they take it. And if they do, you have to say they pulled a gun on you.”

NICOLE: It was so wild.

SASHEER: It was pretty wild.

NICOLE: It was truly so funny. And you went to sleep immediately after that. And he did ask me, “Do you have any questions you want to ask?” And I was like, “Yeah, do y’all have a Chicken Inn? When we were in Zimbabwe, there was a franchise called the Chicken Inn, the Pizza Inn, and the Creamy Inn.” And I wanted to go to Creamy Inn because they seemed to have soft serve. And he was like, “I don’t know. I only eat what they prepare me, but at home I choose what I eat.” And I was like, “Who’s they? What’s going on?”

SASHEER: This man took so much, and I think I fell asleep because my body was like, “We don’t want to participate anymore. We have to self-destruct.”

NICOLE: I had to get my best traveler reward, so I stayed awake, and I talked to him. And it was mind numbing. And at one point I wanted to scream because he wouldn’t stop talking. It was just a thing after thing after thing. I will say, one of my favorite things about not being in the States is all the different cars in different countries. Toyota has so many different models. In South Africa, they have this really cute, little buggy-looking one. It looked like a Volkswagen Beetle, but it wasn’t. It was Toyota. And all the cars are so much smaller. And I was like, “Wait, the States should adopt that.” We should get smaller cars. Who’s carting things around at all times? No one. I’m usually alone in my car or I have Clyde in there. We don’t need much space. I just need room for my basketball, my roller skates, my stripper shoes, and me and my dog.

SASHEER: Yeah. I don’t know. I guess we’re just, like, a country of abundance. We like space. There was a moment where we were stuck in Kenya at the hotel. They were like, “Sit at a table for breakfast.” I sat at a table, and then this stranger sat at my table and was like, “Can I sit here?” And it was a room full of empty tables. And I was like, “Why?” Actually, that happened a different day or a different… I don’t know how long we were there.

NICOLE: We were there for two years.

SASHEER: For a different meal, this man sat at our table. And I was like, “Did they seat you here?” And he’s like, “Yeah.” And I was like, “Why are you sitting here?” And he’s like, “I just am.” And I was like, “Okay.” But I was like, “You don’t want to sit somewhere else?”

NICOLE: You were a real Karen about it. You were like, “Can’t sit here!”

SASHEER: But I was like, “Now we all have to pretend. We’re so tired. We haven’t, like, slept in a bed in a while. We just want to, like, not have social graces. And now there’s a stranger sitting here that’s like, ‘Where are you from?’ I don’t I don’t want to have this conversation! I want to eat my pancakes sloppily and go to bed.”

NICOLE: Why sloppily, Sasheer?

SASHEER: I’m going to grab it with my hand.

NICOLE: All right.

SASHEER: Shove it in my face. But then, it happened again with that woman. And I was like, “Oh, maybe here they’re just, like, less concerned with having your own space.” In America, I feel like you go to Starbucks, and you’re like, “I want to sit at this four-person table by myself. Don’t you dare join me.”

NICOLE: “Don’t you dare. If anything, I’ll ask you to get up and leave so I can have this table for me. Yeah. That was a very curious thing about it. Another curious thing about that hotel is that they had butter sculptures. They had an alligator and, like, some sort of big cat butter sculpture.”

SASHEER: But it had red eyes. So, I was like, “Is it a rat?”

NICOLE: It was pretty wild. It didn’t make any sort of sense. Truly disconcerting.

SASHEER: Really disconcerting. I was like, “Is it for us to use?” Who’s going to take a scoop out of this rat?

NICOLE: Yeah, I’m not buttering my rolls with a rat.

SASHEER: No, ma’am.

NICOLE: Also, when we were checking into that hotel, we had been at the airport for so fucking long. The lady checking us in–her name was Nicole. And I went, “Oh! I am Nicole, too!” But she just stared at me.

SASHEER: And you were like, “She’s tired.”

NICOLE: Also, they tell you, “If you’re not dating anyone here, go abroad.” And I did it. I went abroad for 18 years, and I didn’t meet nobody.

SASHEER: Well, that’s not true. We went to the Zimbabwe immigration office. And there was a man who said, “Because you’re very rich in America, you should take me home with you.”

NICOLE: You’re right. Okay. And when we were leaving Kenya, this man asked me when I was coming back. And I said, “Why? Are you trying to take me somewhere?” And he said, “Yeah. I am.” And then he shook my hand. And I was like, “Oh, my God. Okay.” So, border control–when I’m leaving a country is where I’ll find somebody where I simply can’t go on a date with them. And one of our hotels had zoo nuts–nuts that you could buy at the zoo.

SASHEER: You have to explain that.

NICOLE: The Los Angeles Zoo has these nuts–these almonds–that are so good. They’re just, like, sweet almonds.

SASHEER: Candied almonds. They’re not, like, exclusive to the zoo.

NICOLE: They’re zoo nuts! I’ve only had them in the zoo. And they have them in the Seychelles. So, I was eating these nuts. Also, everywhere we went, I had nuts. I love nuts. And that’s the thing Sasheer didn’t know about me.

SASHEER: I didn’t know! But everywhere we went, you’re like, “Ooh! Nuts.” And then I turn around–you’re just, like, sitting on the bed, kicking your feet in the air, and eating nuts.

NICOLE: And one time you were so mean to me. You were like, “Are you going to dinner? Or are you going to sit in the bed and eat your nuts?” I was like, “Oh! I can finish these nuts and go to dinner at any point!”

SASHEER: Well, because we were, like, getting ready for dinner and we had to, like, get dressed, shower, or something like that. And you’re just in pajamas, kicking your feet, and eating nuts. And I was like, “Are you coming to dinner, or are you just going to sit on the bed and eat nuts?”

NICOLE: I was coming. I was getting ready. I was pregaming dinner with my nuts. Okay, so I ate all the zoo nuts, and they hadn’t refilled them the next day. And I was like, “I guess no more zoo nuts for me.” And then you were at a massage and the, like, someone knocked on the door. And this man goes, “I have your nuts.” And I was like, “Oh!” And he’s like, “I came to refill your nuts.” And I was like, “Oh… Thank you.” And it was, like, real sexual. I was like, “Is this man going to fuck me over zoo nuts?” And I wish he had. I wish I got to grip my zoo nuts as he blew my back out.

SASHEER: He just pours them onto the bed and leads you on top of all of them.

NICOLE: Oh, I would have loved it. It would have been sticky, but it would have been fun. Also, we got a massage in Zimbabwe, and the lady who did my massage did not speak very much English. And she whispered something at me, and I said, “Oh, I’m sorry, can you say that again?” And she said, “No. We are finished.” I think she thought I was asking for a massage again.

SASHEER: “Can I get that again?” “No. We are finished.” Yeah. I also had a bruise on my shin that I probably got in the Devil’s Pool because fish were biting my legs. And I probably jerked my leg into a rock or something. And so, I get to the massage, and I was like, “Hey, just so you know, I have a bruise on my shin. But, like, everywhere around it is fair game.” And she’s like, “Got it.” And then she didn’t have it and just massaged my full leg. And I was like, “Oh. Ow. It actually hurts in this spot.” And I kept pointing, and I was like, “This spot hurts.: And she’s like, “Got it.” And then she started massaging just that spot. And I was like, “No. I really just don’t want you to touch it at all because it hurts.” And she’s like, “Okay.” And I was like, “You know what? Just move to the other leg.” She just moved. But I was like, “I don’t know how I could have explained that better.”

NICOLE: Maybe she was like, “Oh, it hurts, so I’ll massage the hurt out of it.”

SASHEER: I guess, but no. It’s a bruise.

NICOLE: We also went to a spa in Johannesburg. And to me, spas are, like, serene and relaxing. But Sasheer was like, “What time does the spa close?” And they were like, “6:00 or 7:00.” She was like, “All right! We gotta get to the spa!” We, like, threw our shit down. And then she’s like, “I’m ready! Are you ready?” And we rushed down to the spa, and she was like, “We gotta get in the hot tub!”

SASHEER: Because we only had an hour after we checked in. I was like, “We only have an hour! We have to go!” I was dying to get in some heat. We were all on a bunch of planes. I was cold and frigid and felt gross. And then we got in the steam room, which felt very good to me–not so good to you.

NICOLE: It was too hot.

SASHEER: Yeah, but I like it really too hot. And then we went into the hot tub, which was not as hot as we like.

NICOLE: It was not a hot tub. I would say it’s a lukewarm tub. And we were like, “Oh, can we turn this up?” And they were like, “No.” I was like, “Okay. Got it. Thank you. Thank you so much.” Also, when we did the game drives at the Safari, I watched a monkey shit in our pool. And it was really upsetting because it looked me in the eyes and took a shit–couldn’t believe it.

SASHEER: It was making a statement.

NICOLE: It really was. It was like, “You shouldn’t be here.” And I was like, “All right, but I am.”

SASHEER: “This is my home.”

NICOLE: They did clean the pool, but I was like, “I don’t know if I’ll get back into that again.”

SASHEER: Yeah. I watched someone shit in it, and I just…

NICOLE: And I knew they were after my nuts, so, like, we were just…

SASHEER: Enemies. That’s why they shit in the pool. They were like, “We want your nuts.”

NICOLE: “Not my nuts!” God. And I’ve been eating nuts since I got back. I always have a can of peanuts. And I’ve just been munching on them. It’s been nice.

SASHEER: I just don’t know how I didn’t know this about you–that you’re a nut head.

NICOLE: I’m a nut head! I’m a nutty bitch! I don’t know how you didn’t know. On the flight there, they kept giving us nuts. And you kept saying you didn’t want them. And I was like, “Take the nuts and give them to your nut friend!”

SASHEER: Yeah, but, like, before this trip, I don’t recall you pounding nuts this much.

NICOLE: What do nuts have in them? Potassium?

SASHEER: I don’t know.

NICOLE: Maybe I’m potassium deficient, and that’s why I need the nuts.

SASHEER: Maybe.

NICOLE: I don’t want to be deficient.

SASHEER: Well, I don’t know how you can be. You had so many.

NICOLE: I really did. And I really made a mistake when we were in Seychelles. Our new friends who were moving to Cincinnati–they were like… Ooh. Okay, so nuts– “Protein.” So, I’m deficient in “protein, healthy fats, fiber, vitamins, and minerals.”

SASHEER: I don’t think–because you like nuts and eat them often–that’s enough proof to say that you are deficient in all of these things.

NICOLE: I’m deficient in protein. And I don’t have healthy fat–bad fat only. And I need more nuts.

SASHEER: I still don’t think there’s enough evidence.

NICOLE: Oh, man. I can’t believe this is how I’m finding out I don’t have protein and healthy fats.

SASHEER: Yeah, there’s, like, actually more official tests you can take to figure out what you’re deficient in.

NICOLE: The results are in! Oh no, this is terrible. But anyway, our new friends were in Cincinnati–they didn’t judge me for being deficient in protein. But they were like, “You should eat fish because it’s local, it’s fresh, and it’s so good.” So, I ordered fish, and the chef served me a fish full of bones and with a head still on and an eyeball looking at me. And the juice–it was a juicy eyeball, too. And it was good fish, but the bones made it too hard. And I don’t know about you, but I eat food that I don’t have to work for.

SASHEER: That’s not true. You like shelling shrimp and stuff.

NICOLE: Yeah. But I don’t like when the head is on.

SASHEER: Okay.

NICOLE: Yeah. I mean, it’s pretty easy to just peel them, but I’d rather not. I’d love to pick up food and put it in my mouth without having to work.

SASHEER: Is that too much to ask?

NICOLE: Is it? I mean, I will work for peanuts because peanuts are a magical thing to eat because, like, you shell them, and you have them in a bowl. And when you root around, when you think you’re done, there’s always more peanuts at the bottom.

SASHEER: Yeah. One time you were eating peanuts, and I think you said something like, “This is why I like eating peanuts. There’s always a surprise.” You were referring to one peanut that you missed on the bottom of the bowl.

NICOLE: Yeah! It’s great! And it’s an activity. Oh boy. I had such a nice time. but I’m not enjoying doing my dang laundry.

SASHEER: I haven’t even started.

NICOLE: I started. And… It’s not great. I’ll tell you that. It’s really not great. I don’t think you’re going to have a good time doing it. I think you’re going to be like, “Oh, God, I hate it.” I don’t think you’re going to scream about it, but I think you’re just gonna be like, “Grumble, grumble.”

SASHEER: Yeah, probably.

NICOLE: Yeah. Boy, oh, boy. I’m trying to think if I should order Burger King again tonight because it wasn’t optimal tasting last night. And I’m hoping it tastes better tonight.

SASHEER: I think you should wait maybe, like, 48 hours because maybe your taste buds will adjust a little bit.

NICOLE: Okay, that makes sense because I’ve been craving Burger King. I feel like that’s another thing you didn’t know about me–how much I love Burger King.

SASHEER: This is true. You mentioned it a few times. And I was like, “Oh wait, you sincerely like Burger King?” And you’re like, “Yes.”

NICOLE: I crave Whoppers.

SASHEER: I don’t think we’ve gotten Burger King together.

NICOLE: I mean, yeah, Burger King is not a thing you share with your friends.

SASHEER: What?

NICOLE: How would you feel, Sasheer, if I called you up one day, I was like, “Hey, do you want to go out to eat–my treat?” you said, “Yes,” and I picked you up and took you to Burger King? You would be so mad at me.

SASHEER: This is true.

NICOLE: Or if I was like, “Sasheer, let’s go to Burger King,” you would go, “No.” There is no world where I’m sharing my love of Whoppers with you as unfortunate as that is.

SASHEER: This is a very good point. I would be confused. I’d be like, “Why is this even a suggestion? Are you for real?

NICOLE: But I will say this, their soft serve machine? Always works. Always. Not like some other places I know that begin with an “M” and end with an “S.” McDonald’s.

SASHEER: Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

NICOLE: I didn’t know if you got it.

SASHEER: I did get it.

NICOLE: Okay.

SASHEER: But I was trying to remember if McDonald’s was suing the soft serve machine company or if the machine company… I think the machine company was suing McDonald’s because they’re like, “Oh, our machines never work.” And then the company was like, “Our machines work perfectly. I don’t know what y’all are doing, but you are giving our brand a bad name because you keep saying our machines don’t work.”

NICOLE: That’s pretty intense. The neglect on McDonald’s part is affecting another company. You know what we talked about a little bit? Franchises. Franchising is interesting. I could open my very own Burger King if I wanted to. And it would be my Burger King. But then I have to give Burger King a percentage of the money I earn, even though it’s my Burger King?

SASHEER: Yeah, because it’s still the company. It’s still, like, their name, their logo, and their everything really. Yeah, you run it. But it’s their company still.

NICOLE: But then is franchising worth it?

SASHEER: I really don’t know. I think if you open up your own location–yeah–I think you make money. But I have no idea how it breaks down.

NICOLE: I wonder how much money you make a year franchising. Judith, do you mind looking at how much money you make a year franchising at Burger King?

SASHEER: Are you trying to do it?

NICOLE: I don’t know. I’m thinking… Okay. I mean, wouldn’t it be really cool if I opened a Burger King?

SASHEER: I don’t know if it would be really cool.

NICOLE: You can come through and get a Whopper whenever you want.

SASHEER: Yeah, but I can also do that at any other Burger King, too.

NICOLE: You’re right. Oh, the franchise fee is $50,000 and requires a total investment of $300,000 to $1 million? And then what? And then I have to pay them 4.5% in royalties? Can you click on “How Much Does a Burger King franchise owner Make in a Year?” Oh, I can make $1 million annually? Whoa. Okay.

SASHEER: And at top-performing locations you can make more than 2 million.

NICOLE: Okay. I might open a Burger King. Maybe I’ll be the queen of Burger King.

SASHEER: The Burger Queen?

NICOLE: The Burger Queen of Burger King. And then I’ll have to find my Burger King to rule my burgers with. Yeah. These are all pipe dreams. I don’t think that’s something I’ll actually do, though.

SASHEER: I don’t think you can customize your location. I think it has to look like the rest of the other Burger Kings. And I don’t think you’d be happy with that.

NICOLE: I don’t think I’d be happy with that either because if I were to franchise a McDonald’s, I would want it to be a Grimace McDonald’s, where everything is purple. And we have purple buns. “We’re the Grimace McDonald’s!” Maybe I’ll write a letter and ask.

SASHEER: You should. I feel like that’s a good popup idea.

NICOLE: Right? I told you. I’m filled with great ideas–filled to the brim. Overflowing. My cup runneth over. Sasheer.

SASHEER: Nicole.

NICOLE: What was the most exciting thing you did when you got home?

SASHEER: Like, today?

NICOLE: When you got home from Africa.

SASHEER: I mean, a hot shower felt really good. I texted you after. I was like, “I just took a shower. Highly recommend.” You’re like, “I have taken a shower before.”

NICOLE: I did that immediately. Well, I mean, I had to. I was wearing the same clothes for two days. I was wearing the same underwear for two days. That’s stinky. That’s gross.

SASHEER: But it was extenuating circumstances because our travel got all messed up at the end.

NICOLE: Yeah. I’ll tell you what I loved. I fell asleep in the weirdest way on my couch, and when I woke up, I was like, “That wasn’t comfortable. But I’m home.”

SASHEER: Wow. That’s nice.

NICOLE: Do you want to take a quiz or something?

SASHEER: Yeah, let’s do that.

NICOLE: Let’s do it. Oh! “Eat Nothing But Mexican Food For 24 Hours And I’ll Guess If You’re More Introverted Or Extroverted?”

SASHEER: Great. Let’s do that.

NICOLE: That sounds fun. You want to know what I came home to? Lots of packages. But one of those packages had–guess–what kind of books in there? You get three guesses.

SASHEER: Self-Help?

NICOLE: No.

SASHEER: Erotic?

NICOLE: No.

SASHEER: Cooking?

NICOLE: No, these were all great guesses. Baby-Sitters Club books. Okay. Let’s get into the quiz!

SASHEER: Okay. “Eat Nothing But Mexican Food For 24 Hours And I’ll Guess If You’re More Introverted Or Extroverted.”

NICOLE: Okay. “Pick one.”

SASHEER: “Tacos.”

NICOLE: “Quesadilla.”

SASHEER: “Menudo.”

NICOLE: “Machaca.” I don’t know what a machaca is.

SASHEER: I don’t either.

NICOLE: Looks like a loose taco.

SASHEER: It does.

NICOLE: I’m going to say quesadilla.

SASHEER: I’m gonna say taco.

NICOLE: Ooh! I do love a taco. “Pick one.”

SASHEER: “Burritos.”

NICOLE: “Chilaquiles.”

SASHEER: “Tostadas.”

NICOLE: “Elote.”

SASHEER: I love elote.

NICOLE: You do love corn. Speaking of corn, I had corn soup in Africa, and I now like soup!

SASHEER: Yeah. It changed everything.

NICOLE: I wonder… It’s because of KLM, the Dutch Airways. They served me this soup that was so good. And then I had two more good soups. I’m a soup head. I’m doing a burrito.

SASHEER: I am proud of you for trying new things. You try a lot of new things. You’re like, “I don’t know what this is.” And then you would bite into it, and you’d be like, “Ooh, I like that,” or “No, I don’t like that.” But I feel like pre-Africa Nicole would be like, “I’m not going to try that at all. I already know I don’t like it.”

NICOLE: Well, I was like, “I’m going back to where my people are from! I better taste some of their stuff.”

SASHEER: Corn soup.

NICOLE: “My people ate corn soup. It was passed down through generations. It was taken on the boats. When we were dropped off, we survived on corn soup.” We also had malva pudding, which is one of the most delicious things I’ve ever fucking had.

SASHEER: “Pick one.”

NICOLE: “Enchiladas.”

SASHEER: “Tamales.”

NICOLE: “Huevos rancheros.”

SASHEER: “Conchas.”

NICOLE: I don’t know what a concha is.

SASHEER: It’s like a pastry?

NICOLE: Oh. Okay.

JUDITH: Sweet bread.

NICOLE: Oh, it looks like a seashell. Okay, well, I love a tamale.

SASHEER: I like huevos rancheros.

NICOLE: Ooh. She said, “Give me eggs.”

SASHEER: “Pick one.”

NICOLE: “Chip and guacamole.”

SASHEER: “Birria.”

NICOLE: “Pico de gallo.”

SASHEER: “Ceviche.”

NICOLE: I’m picking chips and guacamole! I fucking love guacamole.

SASHEER: I also will do chips and guacamole.

NICOLE: The first time I had guacamole… I thought I hated avocado because my dad ate it all the time and I was like, “I’m not like that man.” Tess made me guacamole. And I was like, “You can make it yourself?” And she was like, “You can make anything yourself.” And that really opened my eyes. “Pick one more!”

SASHEER: “Horchata.”

NICOLE: “Jarritos.”

SASHEER: “Topo Chico.”

NICOLE: “Mexican hot chocolate.”

SASHEER: I like Jarritos.

NICOLE: I’m going to go with horchata. It’s good. It’s milky and spicy. Who’s that?

JUDITH: That is Sasheer’s.

SASHEER: I’m an introvert. “You tend to stick to yourself, but you still love to socialize and hang out with your friends. Your nights out just look a bit different than most. You love a good night at the movie theater or taking a painting class.” I’ve never done that before.

NICOLE: You haven’t taken a painting class?

SASHEER: No, but I guess I would.

NICOLE: I’m an extrovert! “You’re someone who can’t stand the thought of being left alone or sitting in one place for too long. You’re always on the go, onto the next fun, bright idea or whatever adventure you have in mind.” I think this is dead on!

SASHEER: Yes! And then your picture is SpongeBob with cross eyes. And mine was Daria, who I do associate with.

NICOLE: I’ve never seen Daria.

SASHEER: That was one of my favorite shows when I was younger.

NICOLE: Wow. A lot of people like Daria, from what I understand. I grew up without cable, so, like, I don’t really know Daria. I don’t know Beavis and Butt-Head. I don’t know Dog-Cat.

SASHEER: Cat-Dog.

NICOLE: Oh, okay. I do know Doug Funnie. I got to see him. I saw him the most, I feel like, when I would get cable.

SASHEER: Yeah, I liked Doug.

NICOLE: But I’m big on Arthur because that was a PBS show, and we got PBS. “And I say hey (hey)! It’s a wonderful kind of day where you learn to work and play and get along with each other.” I can’t remember anything in my life, but I’ll never forget the Arthur theme song.

SASHEER: Wasn’t that, like, by Ziggy Marley or something?

NICOLE: I believe so.

SASHEER: One of the Marley men.

NICOLE: I think it was a Marley man. I think it was a Marley son. Bob Marley’s son’s name is Ziggy? Ziggy Marley!

SASHEER: Yeah! There it is.

NICOLE: Ziggy is a great name. I think if I had a kid, I’d name them Ziggy. Nope. I’d name them Deuteronomy.

SASHEER: Yes. We already know what you would do.

NICOLE: Should we answer a world question?

SASHEER: Yeah. Just a world question.

NICOLE: Ooh, this is a world question! “Foreign exchange friendship gone bad. Hi, Nicole and Sasheer et al.” What does that mean?

SASHEER: And everyone else.

NICOLE: Oh. “Let me get straight into it. I have a friendship question that’s been on my mind more than I care to admit. So last year, I went on exchange to the U.S. for a semester. I am from Europe.” I wonder where. Europe is pretty big. “In the first couple of weeks I became friends with two other European girls. Let’s call them Annie and Do. Annie and Do were roommates…”

SASHEER: That’s a very funny name to pick.

NICOLE: “Annie and Do were roommates and did everything together. I genuinely liked hanging out with both of them. However, Annie and I got along a little better. That is a little bit of an understatement. Annie and I really connected fast. People started to comment on it and spread rumors that we were dating. We weren’t. She identifies as straight. I do not. Even my best friend from home commented on our chemistry when he first met Annie.”

SASHEER: “This really pissed off Do. And during a party she started an argument with Annie about it. Needless to say, this really upset Annie, and she didn’t want to lose her friend but mainly didn’t want drama in her room. This fight impacted the rest of my exchange as my friend and the person I felt safe with all of a sudden started acting really cold and distant when we were in group settings. When Annie and I were alone, it was fine. But we didn’t get the chance to see each other as much because she often had to do something with Do. The only other time she would act towards me like she did in the beginning, was when we’d have a few drinks, which would often piss off her roommate again because she would be giving me too much attention. This all fucked me up pretty bad, especially when Andy told me about the things Do had said behind my back. Now we’ve been back in Europe for a little bit, and Annie and I have been keeping in touch. We used to text every day and have gone on a couple of trips together. I know she also keeps in touch with Do. Annie always told me that she did not forgive Do for the way she treated me. When I would express my insecurities, she would always reassure me that I wasn’t Do and that things are different with me.”

NICOLE: ‘One of the insecurities that I have is that I don’t want to over-text her. I know that Do does do that. I have always felt a little bad for Do because I felt like Annie was leading her on a bit. Annie would tell me she didn’t want too much contact with Do, yet she wouldn’t tell Do that. Now, I am starting to feel Annie pull away from me a little bit while she’s in full contact with Do. They’re texting every day, calling, and going on trips together. Now my question is what should I do? I respect her boundaries too much to text Annie as much as Do does. But I don’t want to lose my friend. I’m also a little upset at Annie for being this close to someone who hurt me and her as much as Do did. But I also don’t want to come between her and her friend. I tried bringing this up with her multiple times, but every time she’ll just tell me what she thinks I want to hear and maybe stop mentioning Do for a little while, only for me to hear a month later that she has planned two new trips with Do. Thanks for reading my long email. I love the podcast a lot. It gave me some much-needed giggles and familiarity on my long walks on campus during my exchange.” I personally think Do is none of your business. This person is out of your life. And I think Annie will either not respond or tell you that you’re reaching out too much. I think you should text Annie as much as you want because that’s your friend. And I think you got to get Do out of your brain because that person isn’t in your life anymore. And their relationship really isn’t your business. And I know your feelings are hurt, but Annie has said to you that you do mean something to her, and she wishes to continue your friendship. And it’s not nice that she wasn’t nice to you in mixed settings. But also, it sounds like you guys are young. And it sounds like that was maybe a mistake because of age and not realizing that you don’t have to do things like that.

SASHEER: I think that’s really good. Yeah. I have friends who are friends with people that I don’t care for or we’re just not friends or something actually happened. But, like, that is their business. That’s their relationship. And them remaining friends with someone who you don’t get along with doesn’t mean they don’t have your back. They’re just viewing their relationships separately. So, I don’t think you have to bring it up with Annie at all. And you definitely don’t need to keep talking about it with Annie because it probably makes Annie uncomfortable. Yeah. Just enjoy the relationship that you do have. And I also agree with Nicole that you don’t have to worry about over-texting because if this person enjoys talking to you, they will be happy to get your text.

NICOLE: Yeah. Get Do out of your brain because that Do won if they’re just on your brain like that. Don’t let them rent space in your mind room without paying rent!

SASHEER: That’s what they say!

NICOLE: Solved!

SASHEER: Solved.

CALLER: Hi, Nicole and Sasheer. I have listened to your podcast for a really long time. And I love you guys. It’s a great podcast. I moved to a different state about a year and a half ago. And since moving it’s been next to impossible to make new friends. Being an adult is weird with making friends. My husband works from home, too, so he doesn’t have the opportunity to make any. So, I’ve been out and about in the world, trying to find people to hang out with us. I’ve made one friend, which is cool. But I have a few coworkers–they’re human, male coworkers. They are super cool, though, and I feel like I vibe with them more than anyone else at work. They’re my favorite people to hang out with. They’re really funny. I think they think I’m really funny. I’ve gotten one to hang out with me before for a tailgate and then, like, some beers after. He hung out with my husband, too, and they seemed to vibe. But these two I like a lot. I want them to be my friend outside of work. I don’t know how to ask that, though. Like, some people don’t like to be friends with their coworkers outside of work. Also, they have friends here, so they might not be on the market for any. And I also don’t want to… It’s weird for me to ask, I guess, like, someone of the opposite sex, “Be my friend, please.” But I don’t want it to be taken in any way, which I don’t think it will. But basically, I want to know how to try to make these characters be my friend outside of work because I think they like me, too. I get the vibe that they do? I think we’re good. But anyway, thanks for any advice. And I love listening to your podcast, and I love you.

SASHEER: I think you can be vulnerable and honest. Just be like, “Hey, I’m new here. I like you guys. Can we hang after work? What are you guys doing this weekend? Can I come? What are you doing? Can I do the thing as well?” And as far as the opposite sex thing, I think if you ask maybe both the guys–if it’s a group thing–it’ll be clear you’re not trying to hang one-on-one and there’s no salacious business. I wish it was more… I think it is sometimes normal for people to hang out with the opposite sex friends, but, for some reason, there’s still an underlying, like, “Oh, wait, is this…? Is this going to be…?” I’ve definitely asked men to hang out, and then they’ll be like, “Oh, well, I have a girlfriend.” And I’m like, “Oh. Cool. But that’s not why I was asking you to hang out. And now it’s weird.” But yeah, if it’s in a group setting, they will, I think, understand that you want to be their friend. And it also sounds like they’ve hung out with your husband before, so they should understand that anyway. But yeah, I think you can be like, “I want to, like, hang out with you after work or outside of work because I’m new and in the group of friends.”

NICOLE: Yeah, I agree. I think there’s nothing wrong with being like, “I’m new, and I want a friend, so let me hang out with you guys.” And since you’ve already hung out, they like you. Yeah. So just, like, jump in with open toes, and have a nice time.

SASHEER: Ew. “Open toes?”

NICOLE: “Open toes, full heart.” And hang out with them and have a nice time. Yeah, I guess people do do that. I’ve never had someone be like, “Oh, I have a girlfriend.” I don’t think I’m a threat. So, I don’t think people feel the need to do that. They’re just like, “Oh, okay, let’s hang out.”

SASHEER: But are you hanging out with many straight men?

NICOLE: I mean, all the improv boys I’ve ever hung out with are straight men.

SASHEER: I think that’s different, though, because we’re all, like, just comedians who are at a show or at a bar. You know, we’re all hanging all the time. But I think if it’s like–I don’t know–your coworker…

JORDAN: I was going to say the same thing as Nicole. Like, my two male, straight… I mean, one is bi, and one is straight. But I met them at an improv, and I was truly like, “I want to take this class and go on my merry way–not be friends with anyone because I’m close-minded clearly.” And I instantly connected with these guys, and it became that after improv, we would go to a show and then be on the sidewalk, like, talking for another hour. And something happened. And it took me being like, “hey, like, do you guys want to go out and get dinner sometime?” And they were like, “Yeah! Let’s do this! This will be so fun!” But I have had jobs in the past where I have had male, straight friends before. And I’ve been like, “Hey, I was thinking about going bowling or to the billiards place and grabbing a beer and playing pool. Would anyone want to come?” And I think when you open up the conversation, it’s actually far easier than people realize. It’s just that easy. Just be like, “Hey, I was thinking of doing this this weekend. Would any of you guys want to join?” Nine out of ten times they say yes.

NICOLE: Yeah!

SASHEER: Yeah!

NICOLE: So straight from the horse’s mouth–someone who’s done it.

SASHEER: Are you calling Jordan a horse?

NICOLE: What’s more elegant than a horse? You tell me what’s more elegant than a horse. One thing! You’re having trouble. Name one thing more elegant than a horse. I am calling Jordan majestic. But is a butterfly powerful? No, ma’am. Isn’t that a phrase? “The horse’s mouth?”

SASHEER: Yes, it is. It was just very strange for you to say it directly after Jordan was speaking.

NICOLE: I think you’re right. Jordan, I’m really sorry I called you a horse. I think you’re a really nice friend in person who’s really outgoing and, like, did a really good job of getting more friends and stuff.

JORDAN: It’s okay. Thanks, Nicole. Listen, I’ll take it. You’re right. Horses are majestic.

NICOLE: Can I ride you? Just kidding!

SASHEER: Well, if you have any questions or queries from the horse’s mouth, you can email nicoleandsasheer@gmail.com or call or text or leave a voicemail at (424) 645-7003.

NICOLE: We also have merch at podswag.com/bestfriends.

SASHEER: We have transcripts for our new episodes. You can check them out on our show page at earwolf.com.

NICOLE: Lastly, don’t forget to rate, review, and subscribe. That’s the easiest way to support the show!

SASHEER: Yes!

NICOLE: Well, I have to ride off into the sunset. See you guys.

SASHEER: Giddy up!

NICOLE: Yeehaw!