EP. 197 — Sasheer Would Let a Whale Take Nicole

 

[00:00:12] Nicole: Sasheer!

 

[00:00:13] Sasheer: Nicole. How are you?

 

[00:00:15] Nicole: Confused. Bewildered. Okay. I had a dream. I woke up and I was like, “Do I have another house?” And then I was going to call you to be like, “Do I have another house that I never go to?” And I guess I don’t remember having these dreams. But when I woke up, I was like, “Oh, I’ve had this dream before.” And that’s why I think I have this other house–because it’s identical to this house. The only difference is my garage is twisted on the house and not directly on it. And it’s on a busy street. And if you go through my backyard and you keep going, you go through a forest, and then there’s another secret house. But you have to, like, walk and walk and walk. And everyone’s always like, “We’re never going to make it.” But then we make it, and there’s a TV and a couch in there and nothing really fun. And I don’t know why I keep having this dream. Oh, and a man broke in.

 

[00:01:19] Sasheer: Oh no. To the secret house?

 

[00:01:21] Nicole: No, to the main house.

 

[00:01:23] Sasheer: Oh no!

 

[00:01:23] Nicole: And then I was like, “Better get these doors checked and locked.” And that was one dream that I had, like, a while, while, while ago. But I don’t have another house, right?

 

[00:01:35] Sasheer: Not that I know of. Well, I’ve read that homes represent you. And then if you have, like, a secret room or a secret house or something, it’s something that you have not tapped into in yourself.

 

[00:01:55] Nicole: Oh, my God.

 

[00:01:56] Sasheer: Yeah. So maybe this secret house… Let’s see. It’s on a busy street.

 

[00:02:06] Nicole: Yes. The driveway faces a very busy street.

 

[00:02:10] Sasheer: And then the backyard leads to the woods?

 

[00:02:13] Nicole: Yes. Deep, deep, deep woods. And then I drove a car through it once. And honestly, looking at my backyard–pretty hard.

 

[00:02:23] Sasheer: You drove a car through the backyard?

 

[00:02:25] Nicole: Yes, to get to the house.

 

[00:02:28] Sasheer: Yeah, I don’t know. But it seems like there is a part of you that you haven’t explored.

 

[00:02:35] Nicole: Oh my God. I wonder if it’s anal sex.

 

[00:02:40] Sasheer: You got to go through the woods. Your backyard is untouched.

 

[00:02:45] Nicole: My backyard is untouched. I wonder. I wonder what it is. It was such a vivid dream. Also, the bathrooms in this house are really nice. They’re really big. They’re, like, huge. But I always have to wear shower shoes because I’m not sure what’s on the floor. Yeah. And my bed is catty-cornered. It’s against, like, two walls, and I really hate that.

 

[00:03:17] Sasheer: Okay, so it’s got some nice features and some features that we don’t like.

 

[00:03:20] Nicole: Yeah. And it is the exact same color as my current house and looks almost identical to my current house. It’s just the driveway.

 

[00:03:29] Sasheer: So maybe it’s like whatever you need to tap into is not unfamiliar territory. It’s not, like, completely unfamiliar to you. It’s, like, just little aspects of it that are different.

 

[00:03:39] Nicole: This is very interesting.

 

[00:03:41] Sasheer: Yeah. Especially if it’s, like, a multi–

 

[00:03:47] Nicole: Just like in Doctor Strange?

 

[00:03:48] Sasheer: Yeah, it’s, like, the same but slightly off.

 

[00:03:49] Nicole: Oh my God! What if I’m tapping into the multiverse and the multiverse is just me in houses? You know what’s funny? It’s funny if you think about, like, normal people multiverses, it’s boring. Do you know what I mean? Like, all the superheroes are superheroes in other multiverses. But, like, if you’re a teacher in the multiverse, maybe you’re a high school teacher, maybe you’re a preschool teacher, maybe you tutor, maybe you teach people how to ride a motorcycle. That’s as exciting as it gets. Isn’t that crazy to think about?

 

[00:04:31] Sasheer: That is crazy to think about.

 

[00:04:32] Nicole: Oh my God.

 

[00:04:35] Sasheer: Well, I feel like science people had just released something saying that there are multiverses. There are, like, multiple universes.

 

[00:04:45] Nicole: I believe it, but I don’t know if we are doubled. You know what I mean?

 

[00:04:51] Sasheer: Yeah, I don’t know. I didn’t read the article, so I have no idea what the actual explanation is. Isn’t that funny? I saw that topic and was like, “Interesting,” and kept moving on with my life.

 

[00:05:04] Nicole: “Better go make breakfast!”

 

[00:05:05] Sasheer: I wasn’t like, “What the fuck?” I wasn’t, like, digging deep, diving into this topic. I was like, “Oh, interesting. Well, better go on with my universe.”

 

[00:05:16] Nicole: I like that about you. I do that too. I’ll see a very hot topic and go, “Mustn’t read about it.” Couldn’t possibly want to learn today. Oh, can I update you about my house?

 

[00:05:32] Sasheer: Is this the current house or the one with the woods in the backyard?

 

[00:05:36] Nicole: The one in the woods in the backyard–the only issue I have is I can’t seem to change the locks, and people keep breaking in. But my house that I know that I live in… My office–full… of… guess what… mold!

 

[00:05:58] Sasheer: Oh no.

 

[00:06:01] Nicole: So, they’re taking down, like, the drywall and stuff. For whatever reason, there’s, like, no beams on one side of the wall.  It just doesn’t make sense. It’s, like, pure drywall. No support beams. And it’s not waterproof. So, we’re hoping that if we do all the waterproofing, that’ll be fine. And then in the garage, the space is really tight. So, my contractor was like, “I had to wait for one of my little guys to come in.” I was like, “That doesn’t sound politically correct, but, like, if you have a little person that goes into little spaces, I guess that is okay.” I don’t know.

 

[00:06:42] Sasheer: I hope it’s like Ratatouille. Like, really little.

 

[00:06:48] Nicole: Just so small and not even human.

 

[00:06:53] Sasheer: “My little guys got up in there.”

 

[00:06:54] Nicole: And I’m like, “Oh, let me meet him.” And he’s like, “Squeak, squeak.” That would be very, very funny. But I think it’s just a very short man who can get into tight spaces. And he’s waiting for him to be free because a lot of people are having problems with, like, water and stuff. And I guess he’s a little guy who could get in there and fix it.

 

[00:07:15] Sasheer: Interesting.

 

[00:07:17] Nicole: Uh huh. And then in his multiverse, I wonder if he’s still the little guy that gets into different spaces. Like, he’s a bank robber…

 

[00:07:26] Sasheer: I mean, that was a whole role for someone in Ocean’s Eleven.

 

[00:07:30] Nicole: It sure was. Ocean’s Eleven–a movie for the ages. Very upset that more people don’t talk about it.

 

[00:07:38] Sasheer: It was a very fun heist movie.

 

[00:07:39] Nicole: It’s so good. Ocean’s Twelve was, like, you know, not as good, but very good. Bernie Mac in it is so funny.

 

[00:07:48] Sasheer: I think I forgot that Bernie Mac was in it.

 

[00:07:49] Nicole: We don’t talk enough about Bernie Mac. I just started rewatching The Bernie Mac Show from the beginning. It is so funny.

 

[00:07:57] Sasheer: Yeah, I watched it when it was on. It was so funny.

 

[00:08:00] Nicole: Same. Oh, I love him. The hatred and love he has for those kids is so funny. And his milk and cookies bit? I mean, granted, now, you know, people might get mad because of the language he uses, but it is still very funny.

 

[00:08:20] Sasheer: He’s very funny.

 

[00:08:22] Nicole: “Milk and cookies.” Sasheer, I had no idea… Talking about our vacation on Kimmel. Have we talked about this on the podcast?

 

[00:08:45] Sasheer: No, we have not.

 

[00:08:46] Nicole: A lot of people from the Bahamas really dislike me.

 

[00:08:53] Sasheer: I’m so sorry about that.

 

[00:08:54] Nicole: It’s okay. I mean, it doesn’t quite bother me because people are like, “You didn’t fall off a jet ski.” And I was like, “Actually, I did. Sasheer was there. Three children were there. And a man off the beach all saw it happen. So, I mean, they know it happened.” And then they’re like, “Jet skis don’t run out of gas.” And I was like, “What world are you living on? They do.” And then they were like, “You were too cheap that you used a hook up.” And I was like, “You’ve never used a hook up for anything? You’ve never wanted to do something just slightly cheaper?” Also, we couldn’t figure out where to get the jet skis from.

 

[00:09:41] Sasheer: Yeah. And it’s also like we get more perks that way. Maybe we get to be on a jet ski longer. Also, we were not supervised, which ended up being a problem. We thought that was a good thing at first. We were like, “Woo! We get to do whatever we want.” And then it was like, “Oh, no. No one’s out here to help us.”

 

[00:10:03] Nicole: I don’t know. I still had a really good time on that jet ski. Even when I ran out of gas, I had so much time to think of, like, maybe a whale was going to take me, you know, home with them or whatever. Honestly, if I was gone and a whale took me, I would hope you would be happy for me.

 

[00:10:22] Sasheer: She’s living her dream.

 

[00:10:24] Nicole: I’m living with the whale. I love the ocean. Okay, so all of them–I don’t want to generalize–but the people from the Bahamas were mad at me, have been calling me broke, a “Peppa the Pig slut,” which is very funny. And I changed my Twitter name to that because you told me to. And that’s about it. Just, like, broke and fat. And I was like, “Only one of them is true. And you’re projecting the other one on me. And that’s not my life.”

 

[00:11:01] Sasheer: I mean, yeah, those are the only insults they can come up with. And if one of them isn’t true then…

 

[00:11:05] Nicole:  Yeah. And then I’m a liar. I’m like, “Oh my God, guys. I’m not a liar.” And then I was like, “Should I go on Seth Meyers and apologize to the owners of Atlantis, who’s a white man, and the owner of the Comfort Suite, who is a white man, and the owner of Margaritaville, who is a white man?” And then I was like, “I think they’ll just get angry with me and not get that joke either.”

 

[00:11:30] Sasheer: Yeah. It’s the people of the Bahamas that are upset, not the actual organizations that you mentioned.

 

[00:11:38] Nicole: Yeah, but they’re mad. They’re like, “We go to that Atlantis, too!”

 

[00:11:48] Sasheer: It looked like mostly tourists. I really don’t know if I saw any Bahamians frequenting Atlantis as a patron.

 

[00:12:00] Nicole: That’s what I felt like. But then they were like, “We go and walk around!” And I’m like, “But why? You have a beautiful beach.” Oh well. Maybe I won’t bring it up again. Maybe I’ll just let it die.

 

[00:12:14] Sasheer: I think, you know, they’ll phase out, something else will happen, people forget it.

 

[00:12:19] Nicole: You would think, but they re-aired that episode of Kimmel two nights ago. I was like, “I truly can’t believe this.”

 

[00:12:30] Sasheer: They’re like, “Oh, they’re gonna love this. We’ve gotten so many comments about this episode, we got to re-air for the people.”

 

[00:12:38] Nicole: “We gotta let the people see this again. They were so happy the first time.” Lord. Oh, do you want to see… Oh no. I guess if I show it to you, people will then be like, “I wanna see it, too.” But I want to show you the wallpaper I’m going to do in my guest bedroom.

 

[00:12:58] Sasheer: Ooh. That’s pretty.

 

[00:13:00] Nicole: Dark. Moody.

 

[00:13:03] Sasheer: Moody leaves. Big ass leaves. And they’re different colors. Green, purple, blue, orange… A little bit of yellow?

 

[00:13:14] Nicole: Yeah. And then I’m going to paint the walls this color.

 

[00:13:21] Sasheer: Mauve?

 

[00:13:22] Nicole: It is like a light mauve. And I’m going to do lime wash. You know what limewash is?

 

[00:13:28] Sasheer: I really don’t.

 

[00:13:30] Nicole: Okay. Lime wash is a natural paint. And you can, like, see the brush strokes, and it gives it texture.

 

[00:13:39] Sasheer: Oh, fun. I like that.

 

[00:13:41] Nicole: I’m very excited because forever I’m like, “I don’t know what to do with this room.” It’s just been, like, a room for junk, a room for storage. Oh, and then I’m going to do the crown molding this color.

 

[00:14:01] Sasheer: It’s, like, a burgundy?

 

[00:14:02] Nicole: Yes, queen! It’s a burgundy! And if you would like to know what it’s called, it is Farrow & Ball. And the color is “Sample Pot.” No, that’s not it. What is it? Oh, it says right on there. “Preference Red. Number 297.”

 

[00:14:31] Sasheer: “Sample Pot.”

 

[00:14:32] Nicole: That’s what it said on the bottom. I said, “That’s not it.”

 

[00:14:36] Sasheer: That’s just the sample.

 

[00:14:38] Nicole: Are you going to be painting anytime soon in your home?

 

[00:14:43] Sasheer: I don’t have any plans to, but I do want to go home. Full stop. I would like to go home. It’s important. I feel like I’ve been away for so long.

 

[00:14:56] Nicole: Yeah, you’ve been away for three months.

 

[00:14:58] Sasheer: Yeah. And Patti LuPone is on the show as well. And yesterday she was like, “Well, I’m going to be off at the end of the month.” And we were all like, “What? How are you off? This is an ensemble show. If you’re off, I’m off. Who told you that?” She has dates to do; she’s singing places. So, I was like, “Well, I would love to know that because I want to go home.”

 

[00:15:25] Nicole: Yeah, if she is off and you don’t have to work, you should ask if you could go home.

 

[00:15:33] Sasheer: Yes. 100%. I just want to see my stuff, touch my wall, lay in my bed.

 

[00:15:41] Nicole: I mean, you might come home, and it might be a different house. You might return to a different multiverse.

 

[00:15:49] Sasheer: I mean, actually, kind of. I had a friend staying there, and she moved the furniture in my living room and did not put it back the way it was–the way she found it–when she left. I mean, it’s things that can be easily moved. But it’s just like, “This chair’s over here. And now this chair is over here. And this daybed is over there.” And then she left.

 

[00:16:11] Nicole: That’s rude.

 

[00:16:13] Sasheer: It’s strange. I think she does have really great housing taste and judgment. So maybe she thought she was doing me a favor. But that’s not how I want my stuff laid out.

 

[00:16:26] Nicole: I’m going to stand by. I think it’s really rude. You don’t go to somebody else’s house and move their shit around. I try to be a quiet, little church mouse when I go to someone’s home. And if I move something, I try to remember how it was positioned so I can put it right back. And if I take a shower in someone’s house, I’m like, “Okay, was the rug hanging over the tub, or was it just in front of the tub?” I try to remember all of that and truly, truly leave no footprint in someone’s home. But that might be me.

 

[00:17:02] Sasheer: That is also me. And that feels correct. But, you know, some people do a little differently.

 

[00:17:09] Nicole: Some people live by the… Some people live by the beat of their drum. Oh no. That’s not it.

 

[00:17:26] Sasheer: “Some people march to the beat of their own drum?”

 

[00:17:28] Nicole: Yeah, but that’s not what I was going for. Like, they live a lawless life. But then I was like, “That seems to mean.” I don’t know. Like, okay, here’s what happened. “They live by their…” And I was like, “Seat of their own pants?” That’s wrong. “They live by the beat of their…” It was all bad.

 

[00:17:53] Sasheer: “Skin of their own teeth?”

 

[00:17:55] Nicole: Maybe that’s what I was going for. They live by the skin of their own teeth.

 

[00:17:59] Sasheer: No, that’s actually cats. Is that cats? No. Oh, shit. I thought of a different thing. “By the skin of their teeth.” What’s the cat one? “Skin a cat.”

 

[00:18:15] Nicole: Skin a cat and go to jail.

 

[00:18:21] Sasheer: I think I read a book one time of sayings like that and where they came from, like, when I was a kid. Skin of their teeth was, I think, like a circus act or some sort of, like, sideshow act where people would spin plates on their teeth. Oh, “There’s more than one way to skin a cat.” That’s what that thing is. “It means there are many ways to do something or achieve a goal. The oldest known use of the phrase dates to 1854.”

 

[00:18:53] Nicole: I’m not trying to skin a cat.

 

[00:18:55] Sasheer: And why would anyone ever?

 

[00:18:58] Nicole: For their fur? What cat fur is keeping you warm, you freak. Cat fur can’t keep you warm. No. Sheep.

 

[00:19:15] Sasheer: It should be, “More than one way to skin a sheep.”

 

[00:19:18] Nicole: But sheep don’t die or anything, right? When you skin them? When you take their fur? Okay, good.

 

[00:19:25] Sasheer: You’re just shaving them.

 

[00:19:26] Nicole: Okay. But then I guess they’re cold. I wonder if the farmers give them blankets. That’d be really funny. Cotton or, like, wool blankets. I mean, if I was a sheep, I would want a blanket. That’s definitely what I would want.

 

[00:19:49] Sasheer: Or maybe they’re put in warm climates. Maybe they’re in a farmland that’s really warm all the time.

 

[00:19:56] Nicole: You think? But I feel like, to me, sheep all come from Ireland.

 

[00:20:02] Sasheer: You know, I actually have never thought about where sheep are.

 

[00:20:06] Nicole: Kimmie, will you look up where sheep are? What a dumb conversation.

 

[00:20:10] Sasheer: “Where are sheep?”

 

[00:20:13] Nicole: Oh! John Milhiser. He scared me.

 

[00:20:23] Sasheer: He just walked into your house?

 

[00:20:24] Nicole: He came to get Clyde, and he found my phone. So, he came in, and I wasn’t expecting that. And he threw my phone at me!

 

[00:20:36] Sasheer: Oh my God, Nicole. This is your dream. Someone invaded your home.

 

[00:20:41] Nicole: Oh my God, this is my dream! John Milhiser is the old, scary homeless man who broke into my home. And he didn’t really do anything either except scare me. And then that’s what John did. Lord Jesus. John, you want to say hi to Sasheer? Okay. Hold on. John’s going to say hi to you.

 

[00:21:08] John: Hi, Sasheer.

 

[00:21:09] Sasheer: Hi, John.

 

[00:21:11] John: I was just going to text you today. I was on a run, and I was like, “I haven’t talked to Sasheer in a while. I’m going to text her to say hi.” I miss you.

 

[00:21:15] Sasheer: Yes! I miss you, too. It’s good to see your face.

 

[00:21:20] John: Good to see your face. Bye, ladies! Okay.

 

[00:21:27] Nicole: Sasheer’s like, “We have a podcast to record. So, I guess I’ll just see you later.” Bye, John. Thank you.

 

[00:21:36] Sasheer: Bye, John.

 

[00:21:38] Nicole: He’s taking Clyde since I’m going to New York! Concrete jungles where streets are made of! Big lights will inspire you! I am not saying it good.

 

[00:21:58] Sasheer: That’s okay. And we understand.

 

[00:22:00] Nicole: I’m not saying it good.

 

[00:22:02] Sasheer: I think some of the lyrics got jumbled.

 

[00:22:05] Nicole: Well, what is it?

 

[00:22:08] Sasheer: “Concrete jungle where dreams are made of. There’s nothing you can’t do. Now, you’re in New York. These streets will make you feel brand new. These lights will inspire you. Let’s hear it for New York.”

 

[00:22:26] Nicole: And you’re sure that’s not what I was saying?

 

[00:22:29] Sasheer: I think some of the words were the same. I think the order was a bit jumbled.

 

[00:22:35] Nicole: Okay. All right.

 

[00:22:39] Sasheer: But maybe that is what you were saying.

 

[00:22:41] Nicole: Probably not. I never sing the right lyrics. I don’t know any songs. Any songs front to back. What’s that song? “From the front to back? Feeling that. When your left hand’s back.”

 

[00:23:03] Sasheer: “Where my girls at? From the front to back gets you feeling that. Put one hand up. Can you repeat that? Trying to take my man.”

 

[00:23:16] Nicole: See, you know all those words. Wait. What song is that?

 

[00:23:27] Sasheer: Is it 3LW?

 

[00:23:28] Nicole: I think it might be 3LW.

 

[00:23:28] Jordan: Hi, this is engineer Jordan. Just wanting to step in because I wasn’t at this record. This is actually Where My Girls At by 702–the group 702. Just want to make that minor correction.

 

[00:23:43] Nicole: That’s crazy that you knew all of it.

 

[00:23:46] Sasheer: I wasn’t expecting it. It’s deep in there somewhere.

 

[00:23:51] Nicole: I wish I knew lyrics. I certainly don’t ever.

 

[00:23:55] Sasheer: It’s okay.

 

[00:23:56] Nicole: It’s not okay. I always feel so bad. Sasheer, I’m really upset. I think I have to check luggage today.

 

[00:24:04] Sasheer: Oh God. The worst.

 

[00:24:06] Nicole: And here’s the thing about checking luggage. One, airlines lose them, and they don’t give a shit about you. Two, I have to get to the airport even earlier to drop it off.

 

[00:24:22] Sasheer: Did you already pack?

 

[00:24:22] Nicole: No! You know I didn’t.

 

[00:24:25] Sasheer: You know what you’re taking?

 

[00:24:27] Nicole: No, you know I don’t. I have no idea what I’m taking. I have no idea what I’m going to pack. I was going to pack my Hot Wheels sweater, but I wore that last time I was in New York.

 

[00:24:40] Sasheer: Yeah. You don’t want New York to think that you don’t have other clothing.

 

[00:24:45] Nicole: I don’t want them thinking I’m some Hot Wheels freak.

 

[00:24:50] Sasheer: “There’s that Hot Wheels bitch again.”

 

[00:24:52] Nicole: I’ve been trying to find a short sleeve Hot Wheels shirt, and I can’t find one. But I did find… Guess what I found? Guess what I found? Guess what I found?

 

[00:25:03] Sasheer: A Hess Truck shirt?

 

[00:25:05] Nicole: Oh, I want one! No! I feel dumb. Oh, I wish I had a Hess Truck shirt. Well, now I have to go find one. No, I got a Bratz shirt. A Bratz doll shirt. She’s a Black Bratz doll. I found only white Bratz dolls, but I was like, “I need to find a Black one.” And she’s real cute. She’s wearing a hat. She’s got braids. But now all I want is a Hess Truck shirt.

 

[00:25:40] Sasheer: Yeah. We’ll find you one.

 

[00:25:43] Nicole: What if they don’t exist?

 

[00:25:46] Sasheer: They must. I’m sure.

 

[00:25:47] Nicole: Now, I have to get on my phone while we’re recording. I want one so bad now. Okay. I gotta see if they make them. They do! But they don’t have trucks on– This one has a truck on it! Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. There’s so many to choose from. I’m genuinely really excited about this.

 

[00:26:16] Sasheer: I’m excited for you.

 

[00:26:19] Nicole: Thank you. Are you wearing a sweatshirt, or are you wearing a onesie?

 

[00:26:24] Sasheer: A onesie.

 

[00:26:24] Nicole: That must be so comfy cozy. I was walking Clyde earlier, and I ran into a neighbor. Okay, it was, like, before noon. I feel like there should be a rule that if you see your neighbor before noon, you don’t have to talk to them. I wasn’t wearing a bra, and my titties was sliding. I was wearing pajama pants. I was wearing a hat. I had maybe some sweat stains from where my titties hit my tummy, and it was bleeding through my gray shirt. And then he stopped talking for a long time, and I spent, like, a while just, like, crossing and uncrossing my arms because I was like, “I don’t want him to see my loose titties.” And I don’t know, should I put a letter in everyone’s mailbox being like, “Don’t talk to anyone before noon.”

 

[00:27:14] Sasheer: Or just walk out your house with headphones.

 

[00:27:21] Nicole: He was wearing headphones, and he took them out to talk to me.

 

[00:27:24] Sasheer: I see.

 

[00:27:25] Nicole: I think what I gotta do is put a letter in everyone’s mailbox.

 

[00:27:32] Sasheer: That’s just a lot of effort.

 

[00:27:33] Nicole: “Let’s not talk to each other until after noon.” I mean, who wants to talk to anybody in the morning?

 

[00:27:39] Sasheer: Some people have been up for a long time. He could have gotten up at, like, 6:00 a.m., and he had a full day before he saw you.

 

[00:27:46] Nicole: Freak. It’s Sunday. Who does that?

 

[00:27:49] Sasheer: I know. I don’t. I have a chatty neighbor, too, but I just, like, walk away.

 

[00:27:55] Nicole: I truly thought you said, “I have an Italian neighbor, too, and I just walk away.” And I was like, “Sasheer.” But then I realized you said “chatty.” And then I was like, “Where did I get Italian from?”

 

[00:28:07] Sasheer: Yeah. “Chatty.” “Italian.”

 

[00:28:11] Nicole: “Chatty.” Yeah, they don’t really flow, but for a hot second, I was like, “Sasheer, you can’t say that on this podcast. The Italians will come for you.”

 

[00:28:20] Sasheer: “If any Italian walks up to me, I will walk away.”

 

[00:28:26] Nicole: You just walk away from your chatty neighbor?

 

[00:28:29] Sasheer:  I, like, drift away. It’s not an abrupt, like, turn and then walk away. But it’s like, “Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, okay. It was so good to see you.” And then, like, you know, walk into my house.

 

[00:28:44] Nicole: He always catches me so far from my home, too. But, like, not far enough that I can’t see it, but I’m like, “It’s pretty far.” Ooh, Kimmie brought up a sweatshirt that says, “Don’t talk to me.”

 

[00:29:00] Kimmie: Is this your answer?

 

[00:29:02] Nicole: I don’t know because I feel like he’s the type of person to go, “That’s funny,” and then start a conversation. And then I feel kind of bad wearing a sweatshirt that says, “Don’t talk to me,” because it’s like, “Yeah, I really don’t want to talk to you, but, like, I know you want to talk to me.”

 

[00:29:20] Sasheer: I think you should try to wear it ’cause then you’re only wearing it for those moments where you don’t want people to talk to you. And then you can change to something else, and people will be like, “Okay, now she’s ready to talk.”

 

[00:29:30] Nicole: I just don’t want to offend the neighborhood. I think I should anonymously write letters.

 

[00:29:33] Sasheer: You think that’s not offensive?

 

[00:29:38] Nicole: If I got a letter in my mailbox that was like, “Hey, guys. As a neighborhood, I don’t think we should talk to each other until after 12:00 p.m.,” I would go, “Wow, this person’s going through it. I can do that.”

 

[00:29:49] Sasheer: No, I think that could send people spinning. And they’d be like, “Wait. Who is this person? I talk to people before noon. Is it my fault? Which one of my neighbors put this in my mailbox? Did everyone get this, or is it just me?”

 

[00:30:05] Nicole: “P.S. Every single person in the neighborhood has gotten this. It is no single individual. It’s been many of you talking to me before I’m ready. And I want to be ready and happy and, like, ready to talk.”

 

[00:30:22] Sasheer: But then what if the other neighbors talk to each other, try to figure out who it is, and they all realize it’s you.

 

[00:30:29] Nicole: How? How will they realize it’s me?

 

[00:30:30] Sasheer: Because they’re like, “I didn’t do it,” “Well, I didn’t do it,” “Well, I didn’t do it.”

 

[00:30:33] Nicole: And then I’ll be like, “And I didn’t do it.” I’ll lie to all them motherfuckers. They’re not my friends. I’ll lie! Ooh, Kimmie says, “I’ve written anonymous notes to neighbors. They immediately knew it was me.”

 

[00:30:54] Sasheer: Wait, Kimmie, what was the note?

 

[00:30:55] Nicole: That’s really funny.

 

[00:30:56] Kimmie: I should say, my roommate did it, but they knew it was us. Our neighbor–his dog died, and he was sad. And so, his brother gave him not one, not two, not three, but four roosters. It was going off in the middle of the day and the night.

 

[00:31:12] Nicole: His dog died, so he got roosters?

 

[00:31:14] Kimmie: That’s what we found out because I thought there was one rooster, and it was going off constantly. And so, we wrote an anonymous note saying, “Hey, it’s kind of illegal to have a rooster here, and he’s keeping us all awake.” And he immediately approached me on the street and said, “So we got your note.” And it was, like, a fully anonymous note. He immediately knew it was us. And he was like, “So sorry. My dog died. My kids are upset. Someone gave us these four roosters, so my kids are really attached to them.” And so, I immediately backed off because I didn’t want to be that person who took away roosters from children.

 

[00:31:46] Nicole: I would call the cops. To jail. These roosters would go to jail.

 

[00:31:50] Sasheer: Yes!

 

[00:31:51] Kimmie: It was not a great situation. There was more to it. I won’t get into it. But this was a very crowded neighborhood, and they immediately knew it was us. So that is my warning to you. It’s hard to be anonymous.

 

[00:32:02] Nicole: God, that’s really funny. Maybe they saw you putting the note in their mailbox. Whereas I can hire someone to do that. I can get a little TaskRabbit to do my bidding and then tell the TaskRabbit, “If anybody asks who you are or who hired you, you say, ‘Someone from on top of the hill.’” ‘Cause I live at the bottom of the hill.

 

[00:32:29] Sasheer: Smart, smart, smart.

 

[00:32:30] Nicole: They’ll never find out it’s me. But they probably will. Kimmie, you’re probably right. My God. Everyone’s so sleuthy these days. Everyone’s a Harriet the Spy.

 

[00:32:40] Sasheer: This is true. Neighbors be nosy.

 

[00:32:41] Nicole: Neighbors be nosy, and that’s why I don’t want to talk to them until after noon, when I’m on defense. When it’s early, I can’t think of things to be, like… I just tell people the truth. They don’t need to know the truth.

 

[00:32:57] Sasheer: No!

 

[00:32:59] Nicole: He was like, “What are you doing this week?” Who asks? Who asks somebody that? And I was like, “Going to New York.” He was like, “For what?” And then I told him. This man doesn’t need to know my business. And then he was like, “Do you have someone who’s going to be at the house, watching the house?” And I said, “Yes,” even though I don’t really. Is he going to break into my home? He shouldn’t; he has so much money. He has real money.

 

[00:33:26] Sasheer: Yeah. He doesn’t need to break into your house.

 

[00:33:29] Nicole: Yeah. He’d be so upset if he found things in here. He’d be like, “Ew. Is she a pauper?”

 

[00:33:36] Sasheer: “I feel dirty in this house.”

 

[00:33:40] Nicole: A little bit. Little bit. Not broke, but a pauper. Wait, should we answer queries?

 

[00:33:56] Sasheer: Yes!

 

[00:33:59] Nicole: Or a quiz? Which one?

 

[00:34:02] Sasheer: I think queries.

 

[00:34:05] Nicole: Help. Kimmie.

 

[00:34:06] Kimmie: Well, for the queries, would you like updates on the sheep situation?

 

[00:34:09] Nicole: Ooh, yes!

 

[00:34:10] Kimmie: Oh, and the Girl Scout Cookies. Well, first I’ll say to your sheep questions, I looked, and it seems like just about everywhere there are sheep–cold places, hot places, all the places. I will say, they shear them–which is when you cut the fur off–they shear them in spring. So, it’s heading into a warmer season, so they are not going to be uncomfortable. And then I wanted to show you… There was a sheep that famously escaped and then got found seven years later. I don’t know if you’ve seen this image, but this is what happens if you don’t get sheared!

 

[00:34:44] Sasheer: It looks like broccoli.

 

[00:34:46] Nicole: It’s really funny.

 

[00:34:49] Sasheer: It’s fluffy and hard at the same time.

 

[00:34:51] Nicole: I wonder if it was living, like, a good life or he was like, “This is heavy.”

 

[00:34:57] Kimmie: It’s, like many pounds of wool. It was very heavy and gross because you can’t use the bathroom–like, it sticks to you.

 

[00:35:06] Nicole: Oh no. So, this dirty-ass sheep just had shit on him?

 

[00:35:09] Kimmie: Yeah, I think so.

 

[00:35:11] Sasheer: So that means that sheep just can’t, like, be out in the wild on their own? Someone has to come shear them?

 

[00:35:17] Kimmie: I think in the same way that we don’t have a ton of, like, wild cows, they’ve been domesticated and bred to grow this wool. And so now it grows really quickly. And so, this is what happens. So, I imagine there are some versions of wild sheep that don’t do this, but our sheep do this.

 

[00:35:36] Nicole: Oh my God, this poor little sheep. Is it a shep or is it a sheep? What’s the plural and the singular sheep?

 

[00:35:48] Kimmie: Sheep and sheep.

 

[00:35:49] Nicole: It’s just sheep?

 

[00:35:50] Kimmie: It’s just sheep.

 

[00:35:51] Nicole: I think we should call them “shep.” One shep, two sheep.

 

[00:36:00] Sasheer: Shep sounds like the past tense of sheep.

 

[00:36:05] Nicole: “The sheep shep.”

 

[00:36:08] Sasheer: “That shep has sailed.”

 

[00:36:10] Nicole: I just feel like we should have a singular and a plural for sheep. You don’t think so?

 

[00:36:17] Sasheer: Yeah, I guess I can’t think of any other animals like that or words like that, where the plural is the same. I’m sure there are.

 

[00:36:29] Kimmie: Fish.

 

[00:36:30] Nicole: School. A school of fish.

 

[00:36:33] Sasheer: Well, correct, but that’s not a different word. You just added words. Isn’t it a flock of sheep or a herd of sheep?

 

[00:36:43] Nicole: Oh. You’re right. Everyone’s right. Okay. Fish are fish. Yeah, why don’t we call them fishes? “Look at all the fishes!”

 

[00:36:57] Sasheer: I don’t know.

 

[00:36:58] Nicole: “I caught so many fishes today.”

 

[00:37:00] Sasheer: The English language is really crazy.

 

[00:37:03] Nicole: It’s rude if you’re trying to learn it.

 

[00:37:07] Sasheer: A lot of illogical stuff.

 

[00:37:09] Nicole: Truly. It’s wild.

 

[00:37:11] Sasheer: Speaking of sharing things, I shaved my armpit here the other day.

 

[00:37:15] Nicole: I know.

 

[00:37:17] Sasheer: I haven’t in years, and I did it for the show because I think my character would not have armpit hair. And I’ve been playing crunchy lesbians for the last four years. I haven’t needed to shave my armpits. I gotta multitask. I worked out and then I did a face mask, and I was like, “I’ll also put Nair on there.” And then as soon as I put Nair on my armpit, I had a flash memory of like, “Oh shit, I’m not supposed to do this after I work out.” But I hadn’t needed that information for years, so I forgot. My pores were all open, and it just burned immediately. And then I took it off, and some of it came off, but some of it didn’t. So, it was patchy and then really read in a lot of spots. It hurt.

 

[00:38:08] Nicole: I think next time you have to shave or something, you should use an Intuition Razor. The razor has soap just built around it, so you can soap it up and then double the soap with the soap around it and then it’s nice. I have sensitive skin and I love my Intuition. I hadn’t shaved my pussy in a really long time because I wouldn’t get none. And I went through two full Intuition Razors. And let me tell you, there’s a lot of soap on them. Just thought you should know.

 

[00:38:49] Sasheer: Yeah. Yeah. Did you do the whole shebang or just–?

 

[00:38:59] Nicole: No. I do the top of the thigh? Does that make sense? Like when the thigh meets the puss. And then I do the lip, so nobody has to, like, really struggle to get in there. And then I do the butt, so there isn’t, like, butt hairs, ’cause I don’t know. There’s something about butt hairs that’s, like, not for me. But then I leave the whole front. The whole front–I leave it nice and patchy.

 

[00:39:29] Sasheer: “Nice and patchy.”

 

[00:39:30] Nicole: Yeah. It’s in my special. I slept with an Irish man who called me “Patchy O’Houlihan.” He said, “Wow, you weren’t kidding about that joke, Patchy O’Houlihan”. And I said, “All right, I think you should go now.”

 

[00:39:44] Sasheer: How did you not marry this man on the spot?

 

[00:39:51] Nicole: Because he lives in Texas. I went so far away. I mean, sometimes we still talk on Instagram. He’s like, “When do I ever see you again?” I was like, “I don’t know.” But I don’t think I can look a man in the eye who called me “Patchy O’Houlihan.” Maybe I can. “Good luck. It’s even patchier now. I do an even worse job now.”

 

[00:40:16] Sasheer: Okay, now should we answer questions?

 

[00:40:17] Nicole: We gotta!

 

[00:40:17] Caller: Hi, Nicole and Sasheer. This is going to be a quick question. It’s no drama. It’s just something that’s on my mind. I am the type of person that when I make friends with someone, I don’t, like, follow up. So, like, if we are meeting on Fridays at 7:00, I’ll be there Friday, 7:00. I’ll never reach back out to say, like, “Oh, confirm, blah blah, blah, blah.” I just won’t do that. And so much so that if I drive somewhere, I’ll just drive somewhere and show up. And I’ve had multiple friends, in different band groups be like, “Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving? Why didn’t you tell me you’re on your way?” And so, I guess my question is: When you’re meeting somebody somewhere or you have to pick somebody up, do you let them know that you’re on your way even if you already agreed upon a time and place? All right. Thank you. Bye!

 

[00:41:16] Nicole: Easy. I let everyone know when I’m on my way because I’m late. But if I’m not running late, I do let people know that I’m on my way just so they can, you know, get ready if they’re running a little bit late. And then I’m not trying to get stood up by anybody. So, I am always like… Or maybe the night before, like– On a date? I always confirm the night before. And if they don’t confirm, the next day, I’m busy because you didn’t take the time to make sure that we were still going out, which is probably bad etiquette. And someone’s going to be like, “Nicole…” You know, words that I don’t want to hear. But yeah, I’m always letting people know when I’m coming.

 

[00:42:03] Sasheer: Yeah, I think it’s a very old-timey way of meeting up with people, like, when people didn’t have cell phones.

 

[00:42:18] Nicole: “I’ll just be there at 7:00.”

 

[00:42:20] Sasheer: “Yeah, I just have to see you here and hope that you show up.” But now, yeah, checking in can be important because little things come up. Maybe someone forgot to write down the plans that you had, or they didn’t hear from you, so they weren’t sure if it was actually happening. And I think more people like not going to do things. Like, I have made plans and then been like, “I really hope that we don’t actually do the thing.” And then I think the other person feels that way, too. And then 7:00 p.m. on Friday shows up, but neither of us have texted, and we’re like, “Great, we don’t have to do the thing.”

 

[00:43:04] Nicole: Yeah, ’cause if nobody’s texting me, I’m not going. You have to confirm. Otherwise, I’m like, “Oh, so we’re not doing this.” And if I do want to do it, I will text you and be like, “Are we doing that?” But yeah, there’s been several occasions where I’m like, “Phew. I don’t want to leave my house tonight. This is lovely.”

 

[00:43:25] Sasheer: Yeah. Dodge that interaction. And if you’re picking someone up, it is nice to let them know that you’re coming so that they can get ready or time out their process. Because if you don’t say anything to them, they might be like, “Oh, maybe she’s not coming, or she’s running late, so I’ll just be running late, too.” And then all of a sudden, you’re outside of the house.

 

[00:43:46] Nicole: I love a good “Be there in ten,” so I could finish taking a shower, put on my makeup, put on my clothes, put on my shoes, so you’re only waiting a couple minutes for me.

 

[00:43:58] Sasheer: Yeah. I will say that the caller is not wrong. What you’re doing makes sense logically, but other people don’t behave that way. So unfortunately, you do have to accommodate for other people.

 

[00:44:15] Nicole: Her multiverse is 1942.

 

[00:44:20] Sasheer: She’s like, “You told me last Thursday that we’ll see each other at 8:00 p.m. on Friday. And that’s what we’re doing.”

 

[00:44:27] Nicole: “That’s what we’re doing. That’s what’s in my calendar.”

 

[00:44:29] Sasheer: “I have turned my phone off since then, and I threw it in the river.”

 

[00:44:34] Nicole: “And guess what? I will see you then.”

 

[00:44:37] Sasheer: “I’ll see you then.”

 

[00:44:39] Nicole: Solved!

 

[00:44:40] Sasheer: Solved. Have you seen the movie, Before Sunset?

 

[00:44:44] Nicole: No. Who’s in it?

 

[00:44:46] Sasheer: Ethan Hawke and–

 

[00:44:48] Nicole: Oooh. I had a dream about him.

 

[00:44:50] Sasheer: Yeah. I remember that. I can’t remember her name, but it’s really good. And they, like, spend the day together falling in love in France? It’s, like, a European trip.

 

[00:45:06] Nicole: Oooh. Bonjour.

 

[00:45:06] Sasheer: And they’re like, “You know, if it’s really love, then let’s meet back here a year from now.” And then he does show up. She doesn’t. But it’s one of those things where it’s like, “It could have been solved with cell phones.” You know, if she was just like, “Sorry, I can’t make it this time. I can see you the next day.” But then it brought two more great movies, so…

 

[00:45:30] Nicole: What are the two more great movies? There are sequels?

 

[00:45:33] Sasheer: Yeah. Was it After Sunset?

 

[00:45:38] Nicole: Let’s watch the trailer! This is what people want!

 

[00:45:39] Kimmie: So, the first one is Before Sunrise. Is that the one you’re thinking? Or are you thinking of the sequel, which is Before Sunset?

 

[00:45:53] Sasheer: I was thinking of the first one, Before Sunrise. And then it was Before Sunset. And then what was the third?

 

[00:45:59] Nicole: Who’s in the squeakquel?

 

[00:46:01] Sasheer: It’s the same people. Oh, Before Midnight. Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, Before Midnight.

 

[00:46:06] Nicole: Wow. This trilogy has been going on and on. 1995, 2004, 2013. We’re due for another.

 

[00:46:15] Sasheer: It’s Richard Linklater who does those things–the long term…

 

[00:46:21] Nicole: Oh. Like that Boyhood movie, where we spend too much time on this child’s childhood?

 

[00:46:28] Sasheer: Well, that’s literally what it was about.

 

[00:46:30] Nicole: It was too much. I said, “Can we move on? It’s not going to happen.”

 

[00:46:36] Sasheer: I think that was kind of the thing. It’s, like, vignettes of life.

 

[00:46:39] Nicole: Saw it in theaters and I said, “Nothing’s going to happen.” Ooh, baby. And here’s the trailer for Before Sunrise, 1995.

 

[00:46:51] Jesse: All right. I have an admittedly insane idea. But if I don’t ask you this, it’s just going to haunt me the rest of my life. I have no idea what your situation is, but I feel like we have some kind of a connection, right?

 

[00:47:00] Celine: Yeah, me too. Ring. Ring. Pick up the phone.

 

[00:47:04] Jesse: Hello?

 

[00:47:05] Celine: I don’t think I’m going to be able to make it for lunch today. I’m sorry. Men are lucky we don’t bite off their head after meeting. Certain insects do that, you know, like spiders and stuff. We at least let you live.

 

[00:47:23] Nicole: That looks like a nice movie. And it looks like one of those movies that, like, ruined love for me because, like, nothing like that has ever fucking happened to me. I’ve never once been on a train to anywhere and met somebody anywhere. It does look good, though. I like it. Thank you for sharing, Sasheer.

 

[00:47:46] Sasheer: Yeah, no problem. It’s a fun watch.

 

[00:47:48] Nicole: Let’s help people. Oh, we’re done. We don’t have time. I made us watch that trailer. But if you want to be ignored by us watching a trailer, you can email us at nicoleandsasheer@gmail.com, or you can call us at 424-645-7003.

 

[00:48:08] Sasheer: We also have merch at podswag.com/bestfriends.

 

[00:48:12] Nicole: Do you like to read? We have transcripts of our new episode. Check them out on our show page at earwolf.com.

 

[00:48:20] Sasheer: Lastly, don’t forget to rate, review, and subscribe. That is the easiest way to support this show.

 

[00:48:26] Nicole: Yes!

 

[00:48:28] Sasheer: Woohoo!

 

[00:48:31] Nicole: Woohoo!