EP. 333 — The Dog Who Saved Christmas LIVE!

Paul Scheer It’s like Home Alone with a dog. We saw The Dog Who Saved Christmas. So you know what that means.

 

Music [Intro Song]

 

Paul Scheer Hello, people of Earth! And hello, people of Chicago! The holiday season is upon us. And what better way to celebrate than the 2009 classic The Dog Who Saved Christmas? A movie that will make you hate the holidays. It is like a really bad episode of The King of Queens. It’s like the stand-ins for the King of Queens shot an episode after hours. That like an audience member wrote. And this movie. Wow. I’ve never taken more notes ever. I had five pages of notes and 40 minutes left. I’m glad that we’re here tonight to talk about it because I need someone to validate that what I saw was real. And you will all do that. But here’s the most important part. I will not be doing it alone. We will not be doing it alone. We’ll be doing it with my co-host. Please welcome to the stage, Mr. Jason Mantzoukas.

 

Jason Mantzoukas What’s up, jerks?! Here we go, Chicago. How we feelin? That’s right. That’s right.

 

Paul Scheer Jason The Dog Who Saved Christmas. Just like a reaction to what you saw. Just a general. Just.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I’ll be honest. I think we need to start the podcast as soon as possible. It is already fading into dust in my mind.

 

Paul Scheer And the roar of the crowd that you just heard is for to get started. June Diane Raphael. Give it up for June!

 

June Diane Raphael We have to get started.

 

Paul Scheer Welcome, June. How are you?

 

June Diane Raphael I’m okay. Paul I’m okay.

 

Paul Scheer I knew that we were on limited time because I knew you had to get out here too.

 

June Diane Raphael What’s that?

 

Paul Scheer I said I knew we were on limited time because I knew you had to get out here to talk about this movie.

 

June Diane Raphael Thank you. I was waiting backstage.

 

Paul Scheer I just wanted to give a nice, clean, you know, introduction to you, that’s all.

 

June Diane Raphael So, Paul, when we were watching the movie, he stopped it at one point.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Just out of curiosity were you watching it together? Because it’s important to. Okay, thank you.

 

June Diane Raphael We were. But as we were watching the movie, he said, this movie is about dog trauma. And I said, it really is. And I, Paul and I have both experienced a lot of dog trauma in the last, I would say like honestly a year.

 

Paul Scheer We had a lot of dog trauma.

 

June Diane Raphael A lot of dog trauma, and yet I could not emotionally connect to a thing that was happening in this movie. It was like I was dead. Like I kept on asking myself, Do you feel do you bleed? Do you?

 

Jason Mantzoukas That’s I.

 

June Diane Raphael Like nothing.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I would believe it if you told me that wasn’t a real dog.

 

June Diane Raphael I don’t feel anything.

 

Jason Mantzoukas That was a sack of potatoes.

 

June Diane Raphael I didn’t feel anything for the dog. I didn’t feel anything for Bobo Kevin James.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I wrote. I wrote it, I wrote it. I have the same note. Holy shit.

 

Paul Scheer I was like, This is trying to be Kevin James. Guess what I found out?

 

Jason Mantzoukas It’s his brother.

 

Paul Scheer It’s his real life brother.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Really?

 

Paul Scheer Yes. Who was also on the King of Queens for 9 years.

 

Jason Mantzoukas This feels like a movie that the Russians made that’s like that somehow is tricking us, you know? I mean, it feels like somehow it’s anti-American propaganda that they’re showing there to people to be like, this is what they’re doing.

 

Paul Scheer It’s it’s like it’s like one of those like, the videos that you see on like Tik Tok where like five minute, like hobbies are way, you know, like five minute crafts. It’s like someone, like, saw Christmas movies, like, Oh, I can do that.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Here’s the thing I felt watching this movie, having just now spent however many months inside of myriad work stoppages for all these use unions and all of this discussion, let A.I. Make these movies. A.I. Could do a better job. Let A.I. The A.I. that Saved Christmas. Do it, please.

 

Paul Scheer What I will say. This is your point like like the Russian propaganda you’re talking about this is the uncanny valley.

 

Jason Mantzoukas The bloopers almost made me kill myself. And I’m not kidding. The bloopers pushed me to a breaking point.

 

June Diane Raphael I know because.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I was like, none of this is funny. None of this is funny. This is forced.

 

Paul Scheer I disagree that a human fart.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Okay, Joey Coco Diaz, give it up for Joey Coco Diaz, who is doing the Lord’s work in this. The Lord’s work in a movie that I wish A.I. had created because that real fart was funny. But the rest of the bloopers honestly gave me a panic attack.

 

June Diane Raphael Me too. Because, you know, and sometimes I have found this in my own experience working as an actress in Hollywood, that the more fun people are having on set, like the less funny a movie is going to be. Like the more good times we’re having. And I did say this to Paul because we kept on going to The League, Shout out the league. We can talk about it now.

 

Paul Scheer Chicago! Gibsons!

 

June Diane Raphael We can start going to the league wrap parties and at the wrap parties every year. I don’t know if you remember this, Jason, but they would show a blooper reel of all the actors just cut, giggling each other, laugh, going off on riffs, improvising together and just making each other laugh. And in every year I’d watch. I watched this reel and Paul would never be in it. Like he wouldn’t have him. He would always people would be breaking and he’d be.

 

Paul Scheer Waiting, waiting to get back to work, waiting.

 

June Diane Raphael And I said, I said, Paul, this this wrap party is for the crew to remind. And for the other actors like to remind ourselves what a good time we have together. And you look like you hate being there.

 

Paul Scheer And I said, No, I just don’t break up on set that much and and June’s like well you have to do better. So if you look at the DVDs or whatever the extras seasons five, six and seven, I fake laugh in all the bloopers.

 

June Diane Raphael He had to. I was like, you have to.

 

Paul Scheer I’m like, I guess I have to.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Wait a minute. We’re in bloopers together. That’s a fake laugh?

 

June Diane Raphael It’s all fake.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Even breaking? I’ll put you back on the list. I will break you.

 

Paul Scheer Like. It wasn’t to me. Like, this isn’t funny. I just never like, we also, we performed on stage a bunch, and it’s like I’m just built to be.

 

Jason Mantzoukas And I don’t make you laugh there either?

 

June Diane Raphael No.

 

Paul Scheer No.

 

Jason Mantzoukas No wonder I haven’t been on Unspooled.

 

June Diane Raphael So the movie is about dog trauma. And yet, like, none of us could connect emotionally to it.

 

Jason Mantzoukas It’s a PTSDD.

 

June Diane Raphael It is. Well, but what’s so hard is I never understood. Why doesn’t she want a dog? Why does he want a dog? Why can’t the dog stay here? Why do they want a dog to bark?

 

Jason Mantzoukas Why is that the sum total? Why is that the sum total of its value?

 

Paul Scheer But also, why are we creating a problem that does not exist? Right. It’s like it’s an impossibility. It’s like, oh, they get the perfect dog, but it doesn’t bark.

 

Jason Mantzoukas But here’s the thing. They’re nervous about the rash of wet bandits style robberies. Midday. Midday robberies in the same neighborhood. They live in a quote unquote, mansion. I was they I loved every minute of Dean Cain. Right. Dean Cain and Joey Coco Diaz are the wet bandits.

 

Paul Scheer And I mean truly the wet bandits.

 

Jason Mantzoukas When they are turned into Home Alone starring a dog, I was like, okay, I guess I’ll jump out the window of this hotel when I realize the police surrounded all of this city. And I was like, Uh oh, they know. What do they know?

 

Paul Scheer Here’s what I will say about those wet bandits. And again, that’s the plot of the movie, is that they’re convinced it has to be a child, but it’s a dog. At one point. You know, Joey, Coco Diaz says Look, they’re leaving. They’re going somewhere. Okay. They’re going somewhere. And then Dean Cain’s, like, this will make it so much easier. Which was the most. Oh, fuck. Like, is it supposed to be like a home invasion?

 

Jason Mantzoukas Like if they were there it’s a funny games.

 

Paul Scheer Yeah.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Dean Cain is ready to funny games Kevin James’ brother. Straight up.

 

Paul Scheer That’s what was so scary. And then when they get to the house and the front door, they seemingly have no plan. It’s like big pipe to rob.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I’m going to say this. When they’re in the house they have no plan. They’re not stealing. They’re in the house for hours. And Joey, Coco Diaz steals two sandwiches, two bites of two sandwiches. Not even full sandwiches.

 

Paul Scheer They. They seem like they’re aspirational criminals. Cause at one point, they go. We have been casing this house for days. But why? Because when you look in that house, there’s nothing of value in there.

 

June Diane Raphael It is a shithole.

 

Paul Scheer It’s absolutely the worst Airbnb rental you could possibly get.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I feel like the movie was decorated from a yard sale or a flea market. Everything in there was disgusting.

 

June Diane Raphael Disgusting. There’s. There’s mice. It’s disgusting.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I’m sorry. There are white mice. There are laboratory mice living in the house. White mice I don’t think exist out in the wild.

 

June Diane Raphael I’ve never seen them.  I hope I never do.

 

Jason Mantzoukas There’s a white mouse.

 

June Diane Raphael Two of them.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Cut that out, though.

 

June Diane Raphael Cut it out. That’s a cut point.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Cut that out. I don’t want people knowing what I said about white mice.

 

June Diane Raphael First of all, Mindy Sterling’s in this movie and I love her so much. She is you know, she’s so incredible. And I saw her in this movie and I and then I saw her in the blooper reels and she seemed like she was having a good time. So but I was so distressed to see her.

 

Paul Scheer If that check cashes, you’re having a great time.

 

June Diane Raphael So distressed to see her. But when we go to grandma’s house, Mindy Sterling. And we’re going to talk about like the age ranges of like that age.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I looked it up. Everyone’s 37. From the youngest kid to the oldest adult. They’re all 37.

 

June Diane Raphael What I will say about this perform, first of all, never have a brother and sister together that are that far apart in age and are seemingly like always together, engaging and interested in the same stuff.

 

Paul Scheer But also what they also have that kind of weird childhood thing. I wrote this down and this is something I wrote down. And I was like Paul, don’t say this. It’s not going to get a laugh, but I’m going to say it. And this is like he says to his parents when they’re driving, when are we going to get there? Which is an odd thing to say. It’s like, are we there yet? How long till we get there? But when are we going to get there. It’s like it’s just like a weird translations. It’s like that’s the right, right question for a kid, but I’ve never heard him. When are we going to get there?

 

Jason Mantzoukas Well then I’d believe it if you said the screen play was written in a different language and then Google translated it.

 

June Diane Raphael That’s what it felt like.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Actually the movie would make a lot more sense. The movie would make more sense if in any way, shape or form, it was built off of A.I. Generated from a different language from another world, part of a part of a part of a sentence that these people are forced to carry out.

 

Paul Scheer This is like that movie, The Specialist.

 

Jason Mantzoukas They are under duress.

 

Paul Scheer I think the reason why this movie gets stirred on the wrong foot and the reason why we have a hard time connecting is because we start off with the dog in voiceover and Mario Lopez is the dog.

 

Jason Mantzoukas The king of Christmas.

 

June Diane Raphael Paul, Mario Lopez is all the dogs.

 

Paul Scheer What? Did not realize that.

 

Jason Mantzoukas What do you mean?

 

June Diane Raphael Well, I don’t know. I didn’t look it up, but I think. I’m almost positive. I think he’s doing the voice of all of those dogs.

 

Paul Scheer Wait a second. Can you play clip five?

 

Movie Audio Hey, boys, What’s happening?

 

Movie Audio Look what we got here, fellers. A newbie.

 

June Diane Raphael That’s Mario Lopez.

 

Movie Audio Like a Greek god. Wow.

 

Movie Audio Fancy name for a street dog.

 

Movie Audio Yeah, fancy name.

 

June Diane Raphael That’s Mario Lopez.

 

Paul Scheer That’s not Mario Lopez.

 

June Diane Raphael Yes, it is. It’s Mario Lopez.

 

Paul Scheer Mario Lopez is not.

 

Movie Audio You find things to occupy yourself with?

 

Movie Audio Don’t worry about me, sweetie. I’ll be fine. I used to be a cop.

 

Movie Audio Yeah. Right.

 

Movie Audio I used to save people’s lives for a living.

 

Movie Audio Really? Tell us. Tell us.

 

Movie Audio One time I rescued the steel mill worker from a fiery inferno. And he told me. Thank you. You saved my life.

 

Movie Audio So what are you doing here, then?

 

Movie Audio That’s a long story. I’m just waiting for a family to take me home and give me a chance.

 

Movie Audio Oh, sure. And my new owner is going to ride in on his white horse and whisk me away to a place where milk bones are gold plated.

 

Paul Scheer It’s not Mario Lopez. June. Cut it.

 

Jason Mantzoukas We’re now just watching the movie together. And I’ll be honest. I mean, mere hours ago, I was watching this. None of this is familiar. Zero. I already gone.

 

Paul Scheer I was surprised at how much I forgot. But here’s what I’ll say my point again is that our lead in and if you played all the dogs or not, which I don’t think he did.

 

June Diane Raphael Well, let’s at least check.

 

Paul Scheer Okay. Our lead in.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I feel like one of these nerds would know. Is Mario Lopez the voice of all the dogs?

 

Paul Scheer No.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Thank you, nerds.

 

Paul Scheer There’s a couple of people who said yes and I appreciate you, but you’re wrong. And I like that you support June so wholeheartedly.

 

Jason Mantzoukas But here’s the challenge. If we are, if June, you are, in fact wrong. Mario Lopez, do the right thing and send us a clip of all of the voices done by you.

 

Paul Scheer Give us the Snyder cut of The Dog Who Saved Christmas.

 

June Diane Raphael When I watched this, I was like, oh, that’s fun. They had him in the booth for Zeus, obviously, and then they let him just look around and do all the rest.

 

Paul Scheer Let me just say one thing. That’s one thing about him and this voice. I again, I think the reason why we don’t connect is because when you open this movie, Mario Lopez is screaming voiceover And it was shocking that he was a dog is like, Hey, what’s going on? Anyway? Christmas is the best time of year. Oh, okay. And there was a dog was like a dog. It it unnerved me because, first of all, I think I’ve never heard anyone yell voiceover. Voiceover normally it’s more contemplative, it’s quiet. It’s not like it’s not like proscenium acting.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I strongly disagree, but okay.

 

Paul Scheer But I felt like that beginning put me on the wrong foot.

 

Jason Mantzoukas It also sets up a much different movie.

 

Paul Scheer Yes.

 

Jason Mantzoukas It sets up a much different movie. The bombast of this character. It also felt to me jarringly like a movie I barely remember, but which is Eric Roberts voicing a cat that we did.

 

Paul Scheer A talking cat.

 

June Diane Raphael No memory of that.

 

Jason Mantzoukas But here’s the thing. So here’s Mario Lopez is he’s loose and he’s just wandering around the streets and he’s like, Well, I guess I’ll turn myself in. So, like, he turns himself into the pound in hopes that a family will find him and rescue him. Meanwhile, what’s really fascinating to me is that the guy who runs the pound or the animal shelter or whatever is able to know all of the dogs, actual names, Zeus, The Bronx, and they identify as Zues and the Bronx. So does he understand dog?

 

Paul Scheer Not only does he know their name.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Does he speak dog?

 

Paul Scheer Their backstory too.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Does he speak Dog at one point? Who speaks dog?

 

Paul Scheer He that okay that is. I believe that that guy and this is my fanfic.

 

Jason Mantzoukas This is your head canon?

 

Paul Scheer In another lifetime movie he is a dog who becomes a dog catcher And so we’re watching like a little MCU of like, oh, if you know the backstory, he’s actually a dog because no human would be as weird as he is. Yeah, he is like, and this is an old reference.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I love this pitch.

 

Paul Scheer Oh, I mean, I’m ready.

 

Jason Mantzoukas He was a dog and he’s the dog who became the dog catcher. And now he’s like trying to get all the dogs that are in dog prison to find good homes.

 

Paul Scheer And to a certain point, he’s a terrible dog catcher because like, would you take two for one? Like they’re cans of soup and of course not. Would you take two for one? And then in the outtakes, he said, Would you take a half a dog with two legs?

 

June Diane Raphael I thought he was funny.

 

Paul Scheer I mean, look.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I will say the majority of this movie seemed largely poorly improvised. Yes. In a way that as and it seemed to get more so as it went on. So much so that I was like at the end of the movie, I was like, I feel like they’re just loose improvising half takes and they’re printing that and that’s it.

 

Paul Scheer Well, like that line where Joey Coco Diaz says, You got that? He got he said, No, I don’t need a I don’t need a nose job, which seemed like an improvised moment. Right. Because Dean Cain, attractive man. On the outside. On the inside, not too much. But. He says you need a nose job. That’s a joke. Right? Okay. And he’s like, No, no, I don’t need a nose job. I have a deviated septum. And then he says, And in your living room or something about your house. And then Dean Cain says, Yes.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Yeah. Yep. I wrote that one too.

 

June Diane Raphael Improv is about saying yes, we’ve all heard that.

 

Jason Mantzoukas The other one. I wrote was.

 

June Diane Raphael Yes.

 

Jason Mantzoukas At the end of the movie, they come into the house, the robbers have been caught and everything. And and I can’t remember what the the main woman’s name is, but she comes in and says Oh, George, what is it?

 

June Diane Raphael Belinda.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Belinda Thank you. Belinda comes in and says, Oh, George, look at this mess. And he says, Well, you know, we got robbed. So this is what it’s going to look like. These are the lines?

 

Paul Scheer And then I’m going to go back. I’m going to go back to the beginning and we can unpack this moment as much as we want. But when Goldman’s Chinese food comes in.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Wow. This this was some wild stuff.

 

Paul Scheer The Jewish deliveryman. This is a commentary on. There’s so much to unpack.

 

Jason Mantzoukas What is it a commentary on? I actually I would love to try to figure outwhat is this?

 

Paul Scheer First of all, I think that this movie, this movie does not like anyone or understand anyone who doesn’t celebrate Christmas because the man was like, why does that woman not have Christmas lights up? And the only reason is that she’s a Scrooge.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Also.

 

Paul Scheer Not that she doesn’t celebrate Christmas. That’s not even in the equation. It’s like she must hate Christmas.

 

Jason Mantzoukas And also, every single person in the movie, including the robbers, believes in Santa. Full stop. Adults alone with each other speak with absolute certainty as to the existence and scheduling of Santas arrival, at which point I was like, No, no, this isn’t a world that exists.

 

June Diane Raphael I didn’t have a problem with that part.

 

Paul Scheer I think that is done because they know that kids are going to sneak in to watch these like, you know, these moments.

 

Jason Mantzoukas It’s like, well, what if Santa comes? Well, he doesn’t come in till later. I was like, Hang on, guys. I have an update. This guy’s not coming at all. These poor robbers think Santa is real.

 

Paul Scheer I will say this, that that opening. We’re talking about the poor improv in the film. An improv is hard, you know, whatever.

 

Jason Mantzoukas No it’s not. Chicago, where improv started. The Annoyance. Second City. Improv Olympic. Yeah, that’s right. Yes. So cool.

 

Paul Scheer So when when Goldman’s.

 

Jason Mantzoukas DJ and Dave.

 

Paul Scheer Jack McBrayer.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Boo.

 

Paul Scheer When. When that man comes in and I don’t even want to. I don’t even want to deal with that just yet. But when that man comes in and goes, you know, nice woman and you know. Oh, yeah, I’m talking about your wife. The immediate response from Bobo Kevin James is she’s kosher. Which was another disturbing. What does that mean?

 

June Diane Raphael I didn’t understand any of it.

 

Paul Scheer He was offering her to him?

 

June Diane Raphael She’s kosher.

 

Paul Scheer She’s kosher? Yeah. It did feel like he was branding her like meat. Not like.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Not dairy.

 

Paul Scheer Oh, sorry. Yes.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Or I guess it’s not a mix of the two?

 

Paul Scheer I just felt like he wasn’t saying like. It’s like it’s kosher. Like when you say like, all. Okay. I felt like he was like, No, no, you can eat her. Like, and that’s why that’s what I took it as. It wasn’t like she’s cool. It was like, you can eat her as a Jewish man.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Yeah, it would have been worse if he was like, Don’t. Don’t even go there, bro. She’s traif. Okay. Okay. Okay. Jews of Chicago.

 

Paul Scheer Okay. And this is my other issue with this movie. Ultimately, it’s a Christmas movie, clearly shot in California. They are forcing these people into hats and jackets. And on the sunniest of all days and in the most like it like it is beautiful foliage is out. You know, and this means nothing to most people. But this was shot in Los Angeles and the opening sequence was shot in a mall that is very known in L.A. It’s called the Grove, but it’s also really badly shot. Like it felt like they were like oh shit. Send that intern out with his iPhone and just grab a bunch of shots from the mall. We’ll use it in something. It’s too dark. And then when they shot stuff like there’s just like an empty chair and like, two dudes standing around a chair and there’s like a candy cane near them. It doesn’t really connote Christmas to me. It just feels like you shot an abandoned shopping mall.

 

June Diane Raphael That’s what’s so upsetting about this movie in general. Like two things that I love dogs and Christmas I now hate. Like, I don’t. I hated all of the Christmas lights, the Christmas ornaments, things that bring me so much comfort and joy.

 

Jason Mantzoukas The spirit of Christmas was not present in this movie.

 

June Diane Raphael By the way, for a movie where adults believe in Santa and everybody believes in Santa. Where the fuck was Santa?

 

Paul Scheer You don’t need Santa when the dog Zeus is there saving Christmas.

 

June Diane Raphael There were okay, but there were footsteps at one point on the roof.

 

Jason Mantzoukas There were.

 

June Diane Raphael Was that Zeus?

 

Jason Mantzoukas I believe so.

 

Paul Scheer How did Zeus get on the roof?

 

Jason Mantzoukas I don’t know. I think he was. That’s when he was putting the bowling balls in action. I don’t know. Zeus is up to some straight craziness in this movie.

 

Paul Scheer I don’t mean to be.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Oh, boy.

 

Paul Scheer A dog pervert.

 

June Diane Raphael Okay, Please don’t be, Paul.

 

Paul Scheer But.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Is this something only a dog pervert says. I will say, I will say the most chemistry in the movie is not quite Kevin James and the dog having a bath together.

 

Paul Scheer Oh, wait.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Like that is the most compelling romantic narrative in the movie, and the presumption is the married couple fuck.

 

Paul Scheer There’s so much I just want to just. But I want to get everyone’s opinion here. I don’t mean to be a dog pervert. Like I said that. So we’re cool. Zues is a lady. And almost aggressively so, like. Like even just an eye check. I don’t need to check underneath. I’m like, I got it.

 

June Diane Raphael Put your finger down, first of all.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Yeah. Why like that? Because you know what? I believed you when you said I don’t mean to be a dog pervert until every physical motion. Like these are the physical motions of a dog pervert. That’s the T-shirt. It’s Paul Scheer doing this and it says, I’m not a dog pervert. Chicago. How Did This Get Made 2023. That’s the shirt. I don’t like that at all.

 

June Diane Raphael I didn’t care for that one.

 

Jason Mantzoukas It’s really trying to get the dog’s G-spot. I don’t know what you’re up to, but that’s what that is. This dog’s going to squirt. So hear me out, Chicago.

 

Paul Scheer That’s the shirt.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Hear me out.

 

Paul Scheer This dog’s going to squirt.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Chicago.

 

Paul Scheer All right. You brought up the bath scene, which I think is one of the most disturbing sequences in this film.

 

Jason Mantzoukas In cinema history. In cinema history?

 

Paul Scheer Let’s take a look at scene six.

 

June Diane Raphael I don’t want to.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Watch it you creeps.

 

Movie Audio You’re going to take it one step at a time.

 

Movie Audio This is a little awkward, George, don’t you think?

 

Paul Scheer The dog does not want to be there.

 

June Diane Raphael The dog is looking away.

 

Paul Scheer The most damning moment comes in just a second. When the dog puts its head down.

 

Movie Audio Man of the house. Here it goes. Right.

 

Movie Audio You don’t talk about food.

 

Jason Mantzoukas He’s trying to hold his arm up so he can get the dog’s head in frame.

 

Paul Scheer Dog does not want to be in that tub.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Dog is like I’m going to drown myself. The dog is trying to drown itself.

 

Movie Audio You can be able to bark. I couldn’t talk like six, which is like 42 in your years.

 

Paul Scheer Okay.

 

Jason Mantzoukas In this scene, he’s talked to the dog more than he’s talked to his wife in the entire movie.

 

Paul Scheer Has anyone been like, okay, you kill that? Has anyone ever taken all their clothes off and gotten in a bath with their dog?

 

June Diane Raphael Now, I’m not going to lie. When I saw that, I was like, hmm, like that. I was like, Oh, I’ve never.

 

Jason Mantzoukas What though? What does that mean?

 

June Diane Raphael I was like, That would be a nice experience to have with a dog.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Oh, okay. But so you’re saying that seems attractive? Not like that looks good.

 

June Diane Raphael Not at all. Okay. Just like. Oh, if I had to give a dog a bath, I only given dog’s baths outside in our driveway. But that’s.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Well, what you do every Saturday. You just give dogs baths.

 

June Diane Raphael Any dog that’s walking by out for a bath.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Hey, Hey. C Ian give that dog a bath?

 

Paul Scheer Free dog baths! But I will say this. Not as a dog pervert, but you have too much valuable bits there that I feel like a paw can stomp on or like I need some more protection. I mean, look, I don’t expect the dog not to understand that. So I expect, you know, it’s like I just feel like, why are you subjecting your own body to scratches and everything? You’re too vulnerable. Like, I mean, to put them in a little tub. We had a little tub in our driveway. Do it up. You can. You can wash them down.

 

Jason Mantzoukas You don’t need to be. That is a choice of desire not necessity. Yeah, that isn’t. It would make sense to be there so that I can wash the dog. Okay. No, that is, I want to be in tub with dog. I am, me too with dog. We are both tub. Now I’m talking to that dog.

 

June Diane Raphael And I will say there is something about Zeus where I didn’t connect those Zeus on screen. I didn’t.

 

Jason Mantzoukas The dog itself?

 

June Diane Raphael The dog itself. I didn’t feel what Zeus was feeling. And except for this scene where I was like, get Zeus out. Zeus doesn’t want to be there. Zeus is not looking Bobo Kevin James in the eye. Zeus is looking away. Zeus is trying to kindly relay that she wants to go now.

 

Paul Scheer This guy is forcing himself on a lot of people and I don’t even like. I felt like he was trying to lip kiss this wife multiple times and she’s like cheek.

 

June Diane Raphael I did too. Please.

 

Jason Mantzoukas He’s also I think either it’s improvising or maybe it is part of the script, but he’s improvising and trying to put onto the dog the traumas of his character’s youth.

 

June Diane Raphael Which, by the way, though, Jason, what happened to him?

 

Jason Mantzoukas Who knows?

 

June Diane Raphael Did the dog, did Duke?

 

Paul Scheer He had to put his dog down.

 

June Diane Raphael But why? Because when we see that scene where he says he’s playing with Duke or whatever that dog’s name is, and in the flashback, and then his mom calls for dinner and says, Stop playing with Duke. I’m like, Well, what did Duke run out and get hit by a car? What happened?

 

Jason Mantzoukas Zeus is like he says, he’s the spitting image of my dog. And in this scene, we weren’t listening to it, but he’s having some sort of, like, heart to heart with, like, his own. Both of them are traumatized. And we are to believe through the events of this movie, healed. They are healed? And they’re whole?

 

Paul Scheer Their backstories are fuzzy. It’s like this dog doesn’t bark because he blew a six year or.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Five year operation and his partner’s trigger finger was injured and he can’t shoot straight any more. Now, why do I know that? Why do I know that? Why do I care?

 

June Diane Raphael I had so many feelings about that. I like the fact that they didn’t kill a cop was it felt like very strategic and pointed. Like, why was that back story so neutral?

 

Paul Scheer I also don’t understand how a dog could blow a five year.

 

June Diane Raphael By barking.

 

Paul Scheer But like. But like the dog isn’t. Okay. How? How?

 

Jason Mantzoukas Internal Affairs is investigating the dog. I.A. Is on it.

 

June Diane Raphael And first of all, I thought German shepherds are police dogs. Yes. Okay. So I have not I would not.

 

Jason Mantzoukas This dog is straight up dumb and is absolutely not a police dog.

 

June Diane Raphael I don’t think golden retrievers are appropriate for this task, but. But yeah, the dog barked.

 

Paul Scheer But what was going on? But what was going on? Was the five year undercover operation simply that they were behind a wall the entire time with a live dog and then the dog by barking?

 

Jason Mantzoukas You got to read the expose in Canine Quarterly. They blew it. They blew this whole thing wide open.

 

June Diane Raphael What I wanted to see was one of those cops get killed and our dog have to, like, lap up the blood.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Absolutely.

 

June Diane Raphael A badge.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Absolutely.

 

June Diane Raphael And really understand why this was so traumatizing.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Everybody should get killed except the dog.

 

June Diane Raphael Honestly, Zeus should have been shot, too.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Yes.

 

June Diane Raphael I’m sorry but for that to work.

 

Paul Scheer In the throat.

 

Jason Mantzoukas But in a movie, a movie, a movie. Think about how good the movie would have been if it started with that shootout. And Zeus barked. All the cops are dying. And as they’re dying, they’re saying. “But will Santa know where I am this year? Because I believe in Santa, even though I’m a police officer dying in the line of duty, I still believe in Santa.”

 

Paul Scheer And he goes, “Ho ho ho, you get coal for Christmas.”

 

Jason Mantzoukas Joey Diaz says I don’t want coal in my stocking again this year.

 

Paul Scheer Again?

 

Jason Mantzoukas He got it last year from Santa?

 

Paul Scheer I also had an issue with the dogs behavior because this shows us no bad behavior. He seemed like a perfect dog. This mom does not really want around. Then he makes one fatal mistake, which I would argue was a blessing. Destroying that disgusting gingerbread house. That was terrible. Normally when I see a movie, I’m like, Oh my God, how do they make that gingerbread house? I could never do that. Here am I could do a better job. It was structurally unsound to begin with. You don’t put a giant Hershey kiss on such a narrow footing. It was doomed to break. And yes, the dog may have just gotten that. But for him to be given away because he just moved in the house and then that seems like it set off a chain of events where he just became a bad dog.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I have a question for you, because the whole family seems to genuinely fall immediately in love with the dog.

 

Paul Scheer Except the mom.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Grudgingly, the mom begrudgingly. And and she’s a bit better. You know, she still, I think, has a real love for the dog, but it needs to bark, blah, blah, blah anyway. So they hire a man to, in the middle of the day, break into the house. You see what I can only describe as Looney Toons techniques for using the old steak over there. Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo. And he’s like, Well, she failed the test. Who is this? What is this service?

 

Paul Scheer I thought that that was the burglar doing a first attempt.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Is this a service that someone provides?

 

June Diane Raphael Let me tell you that Paul had sort of checked out at that point in the movie, and he was just on his phone responding to emails and stuff. And that scene happened and then Paul’s just wasn’t watching and he was like, Who was that? And I was like And I was watching. And I said, I don’t know.

 

Paul Scheer To June’s point. She’s right. I was confused. But this is a weird movie where nothing is happening. But if you turn away for a second, so much goes on. And it’s a weird thing. I’m like, How did so much happen? Because so much is just dropped in. You’re like, Why do they not want it? How did they get this house? What’s going on? Like, they want the dog out by Christmas Eve. Bring it back by Christmas Eve. Like decisions are made quick.

 

Jason Mantzoukas They also decide we’re getting rid of the dog and then they’re like, We got to go to grandma’s, leave the dog here. We’ll go to Grandma’s. Then the dog is home alone so they can have a home alone plot. But then they come home and the dogs captured the things. But when were they getting rid of the dog? Why even say you’re getting rid of the dog? None of that even seems to matter whatsoever. Well, there are also we haven’t discussed at all. There are so many point of view shots from the dog and also from the inside of the toilet, from inside the fridge. The dog POV shots are themselves so crazy because they’re all just everybody reacting just to the camera like. And touching around the camera’s lens, but not quite the camera as if like I think the dog and the humans were only worked for four hours one day. Everything else is human shots. Dog shot. Human shot. Dog shot.

 

Paul Scheer They they had to do something weird. And. And to me, you understand how hard it is to work with a dog when you see what they have to do later in the movie, which is it’s Christmas Eve, the family is gathered. Okay. I want to just go through this slowly at the grandma’s house. And he is reading Canine Quarterly or Canine Monthly.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Which he has brought from home. Right. A magazine that is established in the other house.

 

Paul Scheer So he’s brought that home.

 

June Diane Raphael When did he order it? Because it seems like the movie takes place over the course of two days.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I also want to say, and this is really weird, the magazine seems real because the back page has an advertisement for like, wall clippers. Yeah, I was like, Is it possible this is a real magazine? And I had a crisis of faith.

 

Paul Scheer Well, I was dealing with that, but everything left my mind when I saw the TV show that the two kids were watching. Those two kids on Christmas Eve are watching a black and white TV show called Chappie, which is like a Lassie rip off. And it just is so and I was like, Chappie and everyone knows oh, Chappie’s on like and they’re watching it.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Wait you didn’t spend every Christmas Eve watching Chappie? Are you saying Chappie?

 

Paul Scheer Chappie.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Chappie and not the Neill Blomkamp movie?

 

Paul Scheer I know. Well, that’s what I thought. But no it’s a black and white dog show called Chappie and I felt like they were like, We can’t shoot any fucking more dogs. Like, can you find some black and white footage?

 

Jason Mantzoukas It’s got to be a free like a royalty free public domain.

 

Paul Scheer It’s like reefer madness in this.

 

Jason Mantzoukas What do they sing? What Christmas carol do they sing? They sing? No, nothing but the chorus.

 

June Diane Raphael Merry Christmas.

 

Jason Mantzoukas We wish you a merry Christmas. And none of the rest.

 

June Diane Raphael Christmas and a happy New Year again.

 

Paul Scheer We wish you a merry Christmas.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I was like.

 

June Diane Raphael Honestly that the family singing that to the townspeople and them singing it back and then the family singing it back to them truly was one of the most frightening things I’ve ever seen. I was like, This is terrifying.

 

Jason Mantzoukas It feels like a prompt that is meant to further put you into a hypnotic state. Because you have been captured by Russia.

 

Paul Scheer You know what? There’s so much here to unpack. But I think it’s unfair that.

 

Jason Mantzoukas We can’t go to the audience. Really?

 

June Diane Raphael Already?

 

Jason Mantzoukas I mean, I have like 700,000 more notes, but but absolutely. We can get to the audience. You don’t have to ask your question about the Clapper. We know they made Clapper jokes in this movie.

 

Paul Scheer It’s 2009 and they lead with a clapper joke. The clapper here. What I was impressed with, it was hooked up to Christmas lights, the dirtiest, most disgusting headboard. Again, it reminded me of every terrible AirBNB.

 

June Diane Raphael Paul, I’ll never forget the stains on that headboard as long as I live.

 

Jason Mantzoukas They shot this in an abandoned hoarder’s house.

 

June Diane Raphael So upset. And also after seeing the grandma’s house, which looks nice, why didn’t they shoot the whole movie there?

 

Jason Mantzoukas That’s interesting.

 

Paul Scheer That house they lived in was so big.

 

June Diane Raphael Shit hole.

 

Jason Mantzoukas What with the little bridge over the moat in the front yard. Why did this house have a moat?

 

June Diane Raphael Show it.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Show it. Answer me, Chicago. Why did this house have a moat?

 

Paul Scheer I’ll show you something that I found in the house. Can you pull up the picture of the bookcase? Bookcase one. Okay, so I was wondering, how did this guy have this money for this house? And I started to think about it. Right. So there is a scene where the dog is looking at the owner Bookcase one, We’re going to pop up the picture of Bookcase one.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I’m just now seeing Dean Cain and Joey Diaz.

 

Paul Scheer Okay, so look, that’s Bookcase one, right? And I did a little zooming and go into a bookcase two. Thoracic surgery. What?

 

June Diane Raphael By the way, it brings up such a good point, Paul. What is Bobo Kevin James’s job?

 

Jason Mantzoukas The only answer. The only answer, I think, is that the son is a thoracic surgeon. Because I neither of those adults are thoracic surgeons. The kid’s a Doogie Howser? I don’t know.

 

Paul Scheer But isn’t it interesting that the son is a thoracic surgeon but the dog doesn’t have a voice?

 

Jason Mantzoukas Wow, wow, wow, wow. That’s really interesting.

 

Paul Scheer Alright, who raised your hand? I forgot. We got so lost. Okay. Hi. Your name and your question. I’ll hold the mic.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Do not be grabby, Dave.

 

Audience Member I just want to talk about the. My favorite character, the. The cat lady.

 

June Diane Raphael So glad you brought her up.

 

Paul Scheer Thank you.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Thank you, Dave.

 

Audience Member The craziest thing about the cat lady, in my opinion, is the fact that not only did she know the grandma at the very end of the movie, I think they had a little thing going like.

 

Paul Scheer Oh. I like this.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Do you mean the connection they made at the town’s karaoke night where they duetted on Hava Nagila? Well, sorry, what?

 

June Diane Raphael That’s not a song that’s available in karaoke.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Come on. How many people here is their Karaoke song?

 

Paul Scheer That was. That was Usher. Now we got to. Who’s up? Okay. Hava Nagila.

 

June Diane Raphael Paul and I. We watched the cat lady monologue, and we were. It was the only point in the movie. There are two points in the movie where I really. I connected. I dropped in. One was when our one of our robbers, not Dean Cain. What’s his what’s that actor’s name?

 

Jason Mantzoukas Joey Diaz.

 

June Diane Raphael Thank you. Yes. When he said when he started talking about basement fridges and what was in the basement fridge as opposed to a kitchen fridge, I was like, that’s really funny and interesting. And then the other moment was Cat Lady’s monologue.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Yeah.

 

June Diane Raphael And it was beautifully delivered. It was heartbreaking. Heartbreaking.

 

Jason Mantzoukas And the only reason her house isn’t decorated is because she got too old to be able to do it herself.

 

June Diane Raphael But here’s my question, though, Jason. But I did question it.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Do you think she’s lying?

 

June Diane Raphael Well, while she’s delivering that and again, she does it beautifully and I loved everything about it. But while she is delivering that monologue? We can see behind her every inch of that wall is decorated.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Oh, I think she means the exterior.

 

June Diane Raphael She did mean the exterior, but I just felt like she could have done it. I’ll say it.

 

Paul Scheer Wow.

 

June Diane Raphael She could have done it.

 

Jason Mantzoukas So your note is Adrian Barbeau. Do the work.

 

June Diane Raphael Honestly, like, I don’t want you to have this experience of being perceived as like, a Christmas Grinch, but put some lights on your outside. Like.

 

Paul Scheer Maybe sometimes it’s not the actual note, but the note under the note. And, you know, and I thought that was what it was for her. You know, just don’t. Yeah. That’s a good one. Thank you, June, for bringing that up. Do better. Old lady whose husband died. All right. Let’s get back to the audience here. Who had their and who had their. Okay. What’s your name and your question.

 

Audience Member Shawn. Cut this, please. So it seems like the option between their security is a dog or an alarm system. Either or. Why can’t there be both?

 

June Diane Raphael Well, it’s a great question. I mean, Paul, I’ll never forget, we did experience a series of break ins and we did speak to someone in law enforcement.

 

Paul Scheer But we didn’t get a series of break ins. There was a series.

 

June Diane Raphael Our car was stolen from our driveway.

 

Paul Scheer Well, our car was stolen because we left the keys inside the car.

 

June Diane Raphael It just happened to happen that way.

 

Paul Scheer And I think we in the most general way.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Your car was donated from your driveway.

 

Paul Scheer When you watch the security footage of this guy getting in our car and seeing the keys, He’s like. It was like watching someone win the lotto. I was happy for him.

 

June Diane Raphael Just because because I left the keys in the car. Did not mean I was asking for it to be stolen.

 

Jason Mantzoukas The guy on camera is like, Wait a minute, it’s too good to be true.

 

Paul Scheer He his face lit up like a Christmas tree. And I will say it was the night after we got our Christmas tree. So there was a little.

 

June Diane Raphael There was a lot happening while I was walking inside. And yes, I left the keys in the car.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Here’s the thing.

 

June Diane Raphael But we were told by the police officer at the time. Don’t worry about alarms. The biggest deterrent is a dog.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Yeah, I think that’s true. But I think for this family, they’re missing out on a third option, which is drawbridge. They’ve got a moat already there. They’ve got a permanent bridge. Huge mistake. Put in a drawbridge. Nobody’s getting in.

 

Paul Scheer Unless you get unless you have like a Trojan dog. Where.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Trojan dog.

 

Paul Scheer Right. All right. Your name. Your question.

 

Audience Member My name is K.R.. And my question is, after they adopted Zeus, how did they get his canine plaques?

 

Paul Scheer Okay, good question.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I mean, all of it. How do they know his name is Zeus? Does this have his own stuff with him wherever he goes? This makes no sense.

 

Paul Scheer I am up in the balcony.

 

June Diane Raphael Oh, God. Be careful, Paul.

 

Paul Scheer Once again with our balcony monsters.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Give it up for the balcony.

 

Paul Scheer And I will ask this. I said.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Chicago balcony, Lawless.

 

Paul Scheer I said to the audience, is anyone here in costume? Okay. I’m going to you first. I reward costume.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Chicago balcony monsters, a.k.a. the untouchables.

 

Paul Scheer You’re in costume. You are? Okay. I love it. What is this costume?

 

Audience Member I’m one of the robbers as their utility plumber outfits.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Great work.

 

June Diane Raphael Fantastic.

 

Paul Scheer Amazing. Okay. What’s your name?

 

Audience Member Sierra.

 

Paul Scheer Sierra. And what is your question?

 

Audience Member So I wanted to look up to see because the music was so home Alone-esque. Who the composer is. And that led me down to a rabbit hole on Wikipedia. The music composer Andreas Bolton has like a mixed filmography of being with dog Christmas movies and serial killer murder movies. And then I decided. Who else is there? So the director, Michael Phifer, I think, has a bunch of serial killer movies like Ed Gean, the BTK Killer, The Boston Strangler.

 

Paul Scheer Wow.

 

Audience Member And more dog Christmas movies mixed in.

 

Paul Scheer So basically, he’s summers with the Christmas and he winters with a serial killer.

 

Audience Member It continues. This cinematographer also has this set up of a mix of dog Christmas movies and murder serial killer movies. And also early in his career, porn films.

 

Paul Scheer Which is kind of a mix of both, really. You know.

 

Jason Mantzoukas It’s a classic one for me, one for them scenario.

 

Paul Scheer And then both of them for me. Yeah.

 

Jason Mantzoukas And then them on me and me on them.

 

Audience Member They apparently didn’t like a bunch of the same movies together. But the overall question that I have is because of their filmography, is doing the Christmas Dog movies as a way of trying to have like a enlightened, like a relief from all of the dark tension that they have for the serious movies. Or is it just another way of them to stall time and get a paycheck until they go back to their real passion of murders?

 

Paul Scheer Wow, This is a great, great.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Great, great, great.

 

Paul Scheer Sierra.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I mean, it seems like these guys, they it’s probably a group of folks who all work together and they just plug now in either dog Christmas movies or murder movies.

 

Paul Scheer But I do believe that if you work this circuit like this Lifetime Hallmark Channel circuits like we got, we got to do one holiday and one killer. That we will cover, we will give.

 

Jason Mantzoukas You basically just described the lifetime network.

 

Paul Scheer Right. June and I were watching. I think it was Killer week. We were on tour. We were watching it every night. We came home and would watch two back to back serial killer movies. It was like the homecoming killer. Then it was like my principal killed the homecoming queen. And then afterwards it was like my best friend was the killing homecoming queen. It was like they all were tied loosely, but it was like, yeah, they they have so many of them.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Oh, there’s that. That is an industry that is almost bottomless. When there was a period during the pandemic when I was recording two Magnum P.I. and one Columbo a day. That’s right on my DVR.

 

Paul Scheer Good old Tivo.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I’m 50.

 

Paul Scheer First of all, I just want to give a shout out to TiVos, the original DVR.

 

Jason Mantzoukas The best.

 

June Diane Raphael It’s important to put some respect on their name.

 

Paul Scheer Yeah, I had a TiVo that I sent away so they could put an extra hard drive in it.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I did the same thing. I did the same thing.

 

June Diane Raphael I remember when Paul and I first started dating. I remember your apartment in New York. Going there and seeing that you had TiVo and being like, Wow.Like, wow. All right.

 

Paul Scheer I could have every episode of Buffy that I wanted at a moment’s notice.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I mean, what a luxury. What a luxury to be like. You know, I’ve got 20 gigs of Preston Sturges movies on here.

 

Paul Scheer Okay. I am admiring this gentleman’s small notebook. It’s a very tiny, very tiny notebook.

 

June Diane Raphael Oh, my gosh.

 

Paul Scheer Tiny notebook with a lot of notes.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Tiny notebook.

 

Paul Scheer All right. So I’m predicting this to be good, but I want to put pressure on you. Your name and your question.

 

Audience Member My name is Jamie. My question is, when we finally learn why the dog can’t bark, it’s told in a flashback. And then the evil cat lady responds to that flashback. So my question is, can the cat lady understand the dog?

 

Jason Mantzoukas Yes, they are having a conversation. That is. That presumes she knows what the dog is saying. I feel I wrote that down, too. Jamie, I fully agree with you. And it is shocking that someone that far back in the balcony had a cogent thought. So I really want to give it up for Jamie. Everyone around him is passed out.

 

Paul Scheer You know what? I can’t. I can’t beat that. I feel like we’re just go downhill from here. All right. Obviously. People out there have questions. They have feelings. But you know what? Some people out there think this movie might be their favorite Christmas film. And we’re going to hear from them right now because now it’s time for second opinions.

 

Audience Member I’m Casey. This Christmas, I give it five stars. Ex-cop dog saved the day because crime doesn’t pay. Big cheers when Zeus barked out his fears. I give you my second opinion.

 

June Diane Raphael Whoa.

 

Paul Scheer Great job.

 

June Diane Raphael Whoa. What a way to start.

 

Paul Scheer So a little anticlimactic with the second opinions because there are only 360 total reviews. But. 75% are five star. Now, before I even read these, I will let you know there are multiple films in this franchise. Five, five films, The Dog Who Saved. And we’re going to talk about that in a second. But some of these reference, those. E Dubiton in 2019 wrote this “My daughter, three, was obsessed with the dog that saved Halloween. We watched that nightmare of a movie hundreds of times.”

 

Jason Mantzoukas Well, I mean, it is Halloween, So spooky. Kind of a nightmare.

 

Paul Scheer “So you can imagine her excitement and my horror when she discovered that there were multiple movies, including this little gem. Bad acting. Bad plot, bad everything. Dot, dot, dot. And your kids will absolutely love it.” The title, A New Definition of Hate. The Rating five Stars. Amazon customer in 2013 writes this title of the review: love Dogs. “Cute to watch, but not into the talking animals. Five stars.”

 

Jason Mantzoukas Wow.

 

Paul Scheer Now, when we are at the bottom of the barrel of five star reviews, we go to one star reviews. These are first opinions. People who share the same opinion as some of us. Clifford Dawson writes.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Wait, no. Is this Clifford the big Red Dog? Because that is biased. He was considered for the role and was passed on.

 

Paul Scheer Now. This one. The reason I read this is because I don’t think you’ll know where it’s going. Title is, this may be the worst Christmas movie ever. He wrote this the year after it came out in 2010. “Writing, terrible. Acting, even worse. Production value’s cheap and cheesy. Animal voiceovers, Sub idiotic. This is what I get for letting the wife pick the film for the night. But she didn’t even like it. The only question I had after the pain was over. Aside from wanting the 90 minutes back, was. How did such a dead head family afford that house? The father didn’t act like he could possibly do anything that would put him in that income bracket. Perhaps he earned it the old fashioned way. He inherited it. Yet another argument for a family planning. One star.”

 

Jason Mantzoukas Holy shit. Holy shit. That’s I mean, I agree with that review. So shockingly. Wow.

 

Paul Scheer Oh, boy.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Can you imagine just being fucking absolutely livid and jealous at the family in this movie?

 

Paul Scheer That you get on.

 

June Diane Raphael Like. Yeah, it’s a lot of house, but every square foot is a shit hole.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I mean, please host a HGTV show, so please. Please. If it. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Are you watching It’s a shit hole with June Diane Raphael? I love that show. I love at the beginning of every episode where she walks through and tells everybody what a shit hole they live in. And then at the end, it’s so sweet. I cry every time because it’s not a shit hole anymore.

 

Paul Scheer I’m going to just.

 

June Diane Raphael The gate at the front.

 

Jason Mantzoukas The fence, the gate, the moat, the bridge. Every element of the house genuinely felt like it had been dropped from another planet. I’m sorry. Remember when they’re driving in the car and the stone cold genius, Mindy Sterling, who we’ve mentioned before, Groundlings, incredible comedian. She’s singing. She’s annoying everybody in the car and they’re driving full speed. And the son tries to throw himself from the car. Remember? That’s how I felt watching the whole movie.

 

June Diane Raphael Throughout the movie where they keep on referencing the grandma and how she has stale pretzels and like flat soda. We get to her house. I’m like, She seems like she’s fun.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Oh, she’s cool as hell. She’s the only person in this movie, I believe, fucks.

 

Paul Scheer I also believe they don’t get her because they’re not cool.

 

June Diane Raphael I know. I’m like, This lady is awesome.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Her and Adrienne Barbeau are the most interesting characters in this movie. And I wish the family and the dog had all died in a carbon monoxide leak.

 

June Diane Raphael And by the way, just, you know, I know we’re wrapping things up. I know you got your notes Paul. But I just have to say one more thing. I have to say one more thing, because the decision on Christmas Eve. They have they establish that grandma’s house is hours away, hours, not one hour, and probably not two, but probably two and a half to three hours away. And they decide on Christmas Eve to go back and get Zeus. And from what I before they found out that like their house had been robbed, it seemed like they were going to drive, they’d already driven there. That’s three hours they were going to drive back. That’s another three hours. And then they were going to drive back to grandma’s house to just be with the dogs. Yes, that’s nine hours of driving.

 

Jason Mantzoukas And honestly, nobody likes the dog that much.

 

Paul Scheer And no one likes grandma even more.

 

Jason Mantzoukas And they get there. Zeus says captured the criminals and the police try to recruit Zeus. Because the Zeus has done a better job than that town’s police department.

 

June Diane Raphael That was another moment where Paul and I were watching together. Sometimes we rely on each other to keep track of the plot. And I had zoned out for a second. I was just looking out the window or something and I said, Wait, wait, whoa. What hap what just happened? And Paul said, The police are trying to adopt Zeus. And I was like, Oh, okay.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Of course. But wouldn’t it have been so much better if the police were like Zeus? Right. Because he’s a famous K-9 dog. What if they were like Zeus? Oh, my God, Where have you been?

 

Paul Scheer And then they reveal this back story that they didn’t know, but yet they all know the back story because the the man who used to be a dog is now the owner of the town.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Do you even believe that in this town, whatever town these people are in, that there is the need to? Okay, here’s what it is. Here’s what it is. And this is unexamined fully. Do dogs go undercover? I know police officers do, but are dogs, like dogs, have time for identity.

 

Paul Scheer You sometimes you’ll see a dog with a baseball cap on. You’re like cop. I see a dog with his head out of a crown vic, I’m like, cop.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Yeah.

 

Paul Scheer All right, let me drop some. Some stuff on you.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Stuff? Not knowledge, but the stuff.

 

Paul Scheer This movie premiered on ABC Family on November 29th, 2009, during their countdown to 25 Days of Christmas programing block, it was ranked as the number one cable program in its timeslot and the number one cable film in the winter of 2009 with 4 million viewers. It was the cable’s number one program during its period of 8 to 10 p.m. with 4 million viewers. It ranked number one in scripted telecast on cable. During that Sunday, it became that season’s number one cable film. It had a fourteen.

 

Jason Mantzoukas What are you saying?

 

June Diane Raphael Stop. Stop.

 

Paul Scheer It had a 14% increase in viewers from the same timeslot in the previous year. Okay.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I can’t imagine that that is real. That’s 4 million viewers. For context, like every episode of Mad Men got like 1.2 million. Yes. Every episode of 30 Rock got like sub 1 million viewers. You’re saying this had 4 million views.

 

Paul Scheer That dog who saved Christmas won several Yulies.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Ghoulies?

 

Paul Scheer Yule like Yule log. Yulies.

 

Jason Mantzoukas A Loggy?

 

Paul Scheer From the Entertainment Weekly’s website. The categories it won included MVP most valuable pooch and Best Use of Dean Cain.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Woah.

 

June Diane Raphael You know what I don’t disagree with that, though, actually.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Is that a category every year?

 

June Diane Raphael Every award show.

 

Paul Scheer It also was given.

 

Jason Mantzoukas What are you talking about? Absolutely. Okay. Hang on a second. If we for real talk, if we had Dean Cain on the podcast, would we be eligible for a Yulie?

 

Paul Scheer If we televised the show.

 

Jason Mantzoukas We’d have to televise the show? That’s almost worth it. I would love it if we were if we won a Yulie, I would retire. And don’t nominate us for a Yulie, just to get me to retire.

 

Paul Scheer I want to now open you up to one more thing. Five sequels. Let me tell you what it is.

 

Jason Mantzoukas So this was the first.

 

Paul Scheer First the Dog Who Saved Christmas. Sequel: the Dog Who Saved Christmas Vacation. Aired a year later. Then another sequel, The Dog Who Saved Halloween, September 2011. Third sequel: The Dog Who Saved the Holidays, 2012.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Wait a minute.

 

Paul Scheer A fourth sequel. The Dog Who Saved Easter. Fifth Sequel. The Dog Who Saves Summer, 2015

 

June Diane Raphael Summer?

 

Paul Scheer Yes. Now I’m going to drop this knowledge on you.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Oh, God.

 

Paul Scheer Gary Valentine was in everyone except for Easter.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Who is Gary Valentine?

 

Paul Scheer Kevin James’ brother. The brother.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I was like, Who’s that? I would believe if that was his, maybe Zeus’ name is Gary Valentine. If I’m thinking about it, the dog is probably the most consistent performer. I would love it if the dog’s name was Gary Valentine. Gary Valentine on set. Gary Valentine.

 

Paul Scheer There are only. Okay. I’m trying to figure out how to present this to you. One character, or I should say three characters that are in all the sequels.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Do we get to guess?

 

Paul Scheer Yeah, sure.

 

June Diane Raphael Zeus?

 

Paul Scheer Yes, but with a caveat.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Okay. It’s not always the same dog.

 

Paul Scheer No.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Oh.

 

Paul Scheer Mario Lopez provides this voice for the first three films, drops out for two, then comes back for the final two.

 

June Diane Raphael Wow.

 

Jason Mantzoukas He’s the Vin Diesel of this franchise? Where he’s like, I’m too good for this. Wait a minute. It’s a hit? I’m bad, baby. But it’s always Zeus no matter the voice?

 

Paul Scheer Joey Lawrence replaces him in Halloween and holidays. That is the third and fourth film. And then he comes back for Easter and summer. Belinda Bannister. Okay. Well, you guess. You guess. Who’s in all the movies?

 

Jason Mantzoukas Paul, is Belinda Bannister?

 

June Diane Raphael Yes?

 

Jason Mantzoukas Something tells me it might be Belinda Bannister. Paul. That’s my answer.

 

Paul Scheer Okay. You would be correct. But here’s the other ones that are in all the movies. Dean Cain.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Oh, by the way, thank God.

 

Paul Scheer Joey Coco Diaz. And Mindy Sterling. They’re in all. Gary Valentine is not in all. Dean Cain. Joey. Coco Diaz. Mindy Sterling. And and Elisa Donovan, who plays Belinda Bannister, is in all the films now. The kids change like Griswolds.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I can see that.

 

Paul Scheer Can I just show one more moment here? Scene seven, please. This is the most disturbing image I saw in the film.

 

Movie Audio Belinda always had to brush after every meal.

 

Paul Scheer All right. Yes, He’s brushing. Got it. That. Dog Sauna. Your dog is in the sauna. He put himself in the sauna.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Did he turn the sauna on?

 

Paul Scheer He must have.

 

Movie Audio Drink from my well. Oh, did I?

 

Jason Mantzoukas Okay. I’m so glad we’re showing this.

 

Paul Scheer Yes.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I just thought I understood, I guess, that the mice could talk. That the everything. All the other animals had a voice. But why did the toilet talk? That really turned in, that really fucked with me. Because I. Don’t raise your hand like you know. You know why the toilet talked.

 

Paul Scheer Hold on, hold on.

 

June Diane Raphael The way she’s saying I know is like. Yeah, but it’s also. It’s. There’s a level of confidence that is unnerving. Go ahead. Go ahead.

 

Paul Scheer Hi. What’s your name?

 

Audience Member Rachel.

 

Paul Scheer Rachel. And why does the toilet talk?

 

Audience Member Okay, you’re going to be embarrassed when you didn’t think of this yourself. It’s the dog voicing what he thinks the toilet is saying to him.

 

Paul Scheer Okay.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Wait, but is the dog guessing what the mice are saying to him?

 

Audience Member No, they’re actual animals, so they can talk.

 

Paul Scheer Right. So we talk.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Rachel. Absolutely not. What?

 

Paul Scheer I believe Rachel. I buy it.

 

June Diane Raphael I believe Rachel.

 

Paul Scheer This guy says right here. What do you think? What? Yes, the toilet is sentient because the toilet has a POV shot. Now you. Yes. And you Wait. You say it’s a bidet?

 

Jason Mantzoukas She’s saying. This woman is saying the toilet’s a bidet, the toilet’s a bidet.

 

Paul Scheer Okay. And this one is saying it’s the furnace joke from home alone.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Oh, okay. That makes sense.

 

Paul Scheer Well, there we go.

 

Jason Mantzoukas I love that at the end of the show, everybody’s coming undone trying to figure out why the fucking toilet talks in this absolute dog shit movie. We have suffered through this. Everybody’s like, I would love to make sense of the talking toilet when in reality, this fever dream broke us all and you’re all going home to your kids, sending the sitter home and are like, What the fuck just happened to us?

 

Paul Scheer Well, people. We did it. We did this show. Thank you, Chicago! We will be back. Give it up for Jason Mantzoukas. Give it up for June Diane Raphael. I am Paul Scheer. Thank you.

 

June Diane Raphael Thank you so much.

 

Paul Scheer We love being here. We hated this movie. Good night, everybody.

 

Jason Mantzoukas Eat shit, Chicago.

 

Paul Scheer Yes, the holiday season is here. As a matter of fact, I’m in a holiday movie right now. That’s right. You can check me out in Family Switch on Netflix. The Jen Garner movie with Ed Helms. I’m in it. I play a dick. And you know what? It is really fun. Thank you to everyone in Chicago who made this such a great show. I mean, truly, we love doing shows in Chicago. Unfortunately, you’ll never be able to hear one of the shows that we did in Chicago because the person who was tasked with recording it really messed up. And here’s the thing. Everyone makes mistakes, but that person was a real dick about it. So Riviera theater, a-plus, that dude (fart noise). All right. Well, look, I know that you don’t want to hear me complain about the guy who forgot the hit record on our first show in Chicago, but  you’re probably like, Paul, can I get a shirt that kind of embodies everything that we just talked about? Yeah, you can. We have an amazing shirt. It’s. It’s basically the lead actor of this movie in a bathtub with a dog who’s looking down at his dick, and there’s nothing on it. No quote, no anything. It just says Chicago. How Did This Get Made? Because I couldn’t put dog pervert on a shirt. I just couldn’t. I felt like no one would buy it. Anyway, Teepublic.com/stores/HDTGM. You get that as a sticker and a laptop case, a mug, whatever you want. It’s a great looking image. It’s more questions than answers. You’ve already probably heard me plug our How Did This Get Made ugly holiday sweater collection. There’s still time to order one before the holidays. If you get your order in before December 10th, you will get your delivery before Christmas. These are great. We gave them out at these shows and people went bonkers for them. The Geostorm one is aces. All designs are available at Podswag.com/Bonkers. And you can also get some How Did This Get Made wrapping paper. That’s right. All right, people, get ready because next week is a special supersized Last Looks. That’s right. We’re going to be going over corrections and omissions from both Munchies and the dog to save Christmas. So if you have anything you want us to know about either movie, leave us a voicemail at 619-PAUL-ASK or write a comment on our discord at discord.gg/HDTGM. And of course, as always, Jason will stop by Last Looks for a chat and we will announce our next movie. Remember, you can find us everywhere online. If you love the show, tell your friends. It really does help. I mean, that really is the best way to promote the podcast, word of mouth. Plus, it’s more fun when you can watch these movies with people you know. And last but not least, I got to say thank you to all the listeners who support the show every week and our entire behind the scenes team who keep this show running. I’m talking about our producers Scott Sonne, Molly Reynolds, Avril Halley, our engineers, Casey Holford and Rich Garcia, and our associate producer, Jess Cisneros, who makes those amazing social media videos. That’s all I got, people. Bye for now.