EP. 335 — Wedding Season (Live from Michigan)

Chris [00:00:05] Hello, Grand Rapids. It’s Beautiful/ Anonymous. One hour. One phone call. No names. No holds barred. Hi, everybody. Chris Gethard here. Welcome to another episode of Beautiful/ Anonymous. So lucky that I get to do this show and I want to thank everybody who listens, tells their friends, who leave reviews on whatever device or platform you’re listening on, people who hit the subscribe button and help us out. You’re the reason I get to do this show for seven years, where we try to spread stories and compassion and some empathy, and we all try to just expand our worldview one story at a time. Last week’s episode was really tough. The nerd that becomes the bully, and it was really hard to see the comments. We have our Facebook community, Beautiful/Anonymous, the community on Facebook, really chill, relaxed place where people discuss episodes and the site, it’s, I tell you, this group, it’s it’s kind people discussing episodes. It was heartbreaking last week. Saw people saying stuff like, I could have nearly told this exact story minus the barking at dogs and tripping. That was comment one. Comment two said, again, This was so similar to my life for four years. The part where the caller says something about still working through some of the things her ex used to tell her that make her second guess who she is. It’s so validating to me. It was. It’s hard. Hard to see how many comments came in from people. It was surreal to hear someone else who dealt with the same sorts of things I did in my nine year marriage. It’s really hard to see how how how much of a chord this one struck. This one struck. And yeah. Much love to everyone out there dealing with similar things. Under- rejecting similar notions about themselves suggested by others. It’s a brutal thing. And I’m glad the episode created some sense of catharsis or community for others. And caller, kudos again to you. This week’s episode is much more laid back. This was a live episode from Grand Rapids, Michigan. And I tell you, we had a very stressful one this last week. And this one, a little more chitchat, a little more warm, celebratory. The car is planning a wedding. Stressed out. We bond over that. I tell some funny stories about what it was like to plan my wedding. I we we make fun of Ohio. We we talk about drums, and I tell a story that I probably shouldn’t be sharing publicly because everyone’s going to want to know who I’m talking bad about, about a wedding crashing situation. And please don’t guess who I’m talking about, everybody. Just let it be. Either way, this call is old school chitchat. It bounces around. Positive. I think we need that after last week. And I hope the caller has a great wedding. And I hope you all enjoy the episode.

Voicemail Robot [00:03:30] Thank you for calling Beautiful/ Anonymous. A beeping noise will indicate when you are on the show with the host.

Caller [00:03:38] Hello?

Chris [00:03:39] Hi.

Caller [00:03:41] Hi. How’s it going?

Chris [00:03:43] It’s good. I’m here with a bunch of nice people in Michigan.

Caller [00:03:46] Hi, Michigan. (CROWD CHEERS) That’s exciting.

Chris [00:03:51] Yeah. Yeah. How are you doing?

Caller [00:03:54] I am doing great. How are you doing- so well, okay. We already did that. See? Off to a great start, Chris.

Chris [00:04:00] That’s okay. We’re just being nice to each other. I’m good. Yeah. I’m good. I get to go home and see my my my wife and my son tomorrow. That’s really nice. And then I was just backstage, and there’s a place. There’s a place right across the street that has vegan chicken wings and they’re very, very good. And I ate a bunch of them, and then I shotgunned some chocolate. So I got a good energy going right now.

Caller [00:04:21] Oh, man, that sounds great. All I’ve had to eat today are literally three cannolis. So you’re you’re probably doing better than me there.

Chris [00:04:28] Three cannolis? What are you been hanging out on some sort of a street fair or something?

Caller [00:04:34] I don’t know. I just. I ran out of food, and all I had were cannolis. So I don’t know what else to say.

Chris [00:04:41] That’s fair. I’m not going to judge. I’ve had a three cannoli day in my life.

Caller [00:04:47] Yeah. Fair enough.

Chris [00:04:48] Cannolis are good. Yeah.

Caller [00:04:50] Oh man. Well, cool. When I, I was just saying, when I saw your tweet come by, I was working on my wedding registry, and I was just thinking about how crazy it is to plan a wedding. And I thought you might have some insight on it, as you are married, as I assume.

Chris [00:05:11] Yeah. Coming up coming up on eight years of marriage over here. So I’m an expert. No, I’m not an expert at all. Congrats. Congrats on the wedding. That’s very cool.

Caller [00:05:21] Thank you. I am excited, but I feel like everyone in my life has lied to me about what it’s like to throw a wedding.

Chris [00:05:28] Yeah, it’s. It’s really stressful, right?

Caller [00:05:32] It’s the worst, but also the best. It’s very weird to explain.

Chris [00:05:37] Okay, try. Try. How is it the worst, but also the best?

Caller [00:05:41] Well, okay, it’s the best because at the end of the day, I’m planning a big party with all of my friends and family and I get to like spend the rest of my life legally with the person I love the most.

Chris [00:05:53] Yeah. Yeah.

Caller [00:05:54] That’s a pretty good thing about weddings.

Chris [00:05:56] Yeah. What about the worst?

Caller [00:05:59] But it’s also the worst because I’m the first person in my friend group to get married. And so I feel like I can’t like talk to anyone about how stressful it is because I don’t want to be like the friend who gets engaged and it’s like the only thing I talk about.

Chris [00:06:16] Yeah. Yeah. Okay, well, here’s some things I’ll say is when you get to the wedding day, everything’s going to be fine because everybody’s going to help. Like, you’ll be shocked at how many people just want to find a thing to do to help. So keep that in mind when you stress.

Caller [00:06:30] That’s good to know.

Chris [00:06:32] And the other thing is, there’s going to be like people in your life where you pray for them to say no to the invite. And it’s so weird. Your wedding is one of your weird moments in life where you get to reevaluate all your friendships and now is a chance where if you want to drop a friend, now the time that you get to do it. If there’s anybody else in here married, you, you know what I’m saying. Like there’s some- you’re going to be holding one invite that’s about to go out in the mail and you’re like, If I don’t ever want to talk to this person again, I could just throw this shit in the shredder and never talk to that person again. I had a couple. I had a couple.

Caller [00:07:07] I know exactly how that is. When we were getting our list together for the Save the Dates a few months ago, we were like, All right, let’s write down anyone we could ever imagine inviting to This thing. And then we just ruthlessly cut people off that thing.

Chris [00:07:20] Yeah, it kind of feels good, right?

Caller [00:07:23] It feels so good. People have, no see, that’s one of the things I can’t talk to my friends about, you know?

Chris [00:07:28] Yeah.

Caller [00:07:29] You were, you were close. You were close, man, to getting cut. But you made it just by, just by a thread.

Chris [00:07:34] Oh yeah. If you tell them that. If you’re like, you were barely invited to this wedding.

Caller [00:07:40] Maybe if I get in a fight with someone, that’ll, that’ll come up. Oh, God, I hope not.

Chris [00:07:44] I had one one of my college roommates who we always we were always tight in college, but then we’d always butt heads. And then for years after college, I got married, how old was I? I was 34? 35 when I got married? Is that right? Oh, my God. Yeah, around that. So we were much older and I’d been dealing with him for years and there had been a running thing where, like, I never heard from him. I never I’d see him like once every three or four years at like, group things with other friends. And then there was a thing where anytime I would like put up comedy stuff on Facebook when I was a young buck trying to get my name out there, do my stuff, he’d like leave shitty comments on Facebook. Like he once left one that was like, This is an excuse for comedy now? Man, American comedy sucks. I’m like, Dude, we lived in the same house together. And then his brother would always text me like, Sorry, he’s been having a tough time. And I’m like, I don’t give a shit, man. Like, I’m tired of this with the comments. And I get I have to tell you, when I just said to myself, I ain’t inviting him, it was one of the best feelings I can think of in regards to my wedding. I was like, He’s done! He’s done. I’m going to burn this relationship down. I can’t have this guy in my life anymore and I have a chance now. Throw that one in the trash. He ain’t coming. We’ve never spoken since. He’s left a couple other shitty comments on Facebook and now I just message him and I’m like, What the fuck is your problem now, man? Like, we don’t even pretend anymore. And I got to tell you, I hate that this is one of the first things I’m bringing up, because I’d like to tell you there’s- but there were so many happy memories involving my wife and my family and all those things, but oh yeah, the planning phase, cutting out the cutting out the negative influences. That was a good one.

Caller [00:09:30] It feels kind of like a good spring cleaning de-clutter. You know what I mean? Where you’re, like, reprioritizing everyone you’ve ever known and you’re like, Do I care enough to pay $60 for them to eat at this thing?

Chris [00:09:46] Yes. Exactly.

Caller [00:09:47] You know what I mean? And ultimately, at the end of the day, I have like a dozen people where it was like, no, I don’t. I straight up don’t.

Chris [00:09:54] And then you got those members of your family who you have to invite because they’re related by blood. And you sit there and you’re like, Please say no. Just say no. We don’t talk. You’re my weird second cousin. We don’t talk. When we’re around each other, it’s uncomfortable. Come on, say no. Say no! And you’re waiting for that card to come back so you can use the slot on someone who you’re tighter with. Have you had that experience?

Caller [00:10:13] Oh yeah, we totally have a B-list. But like, the thing is, I just straight up didn’t invite those family members. And my fiance thinks I’m crazy because my parents are just like, Yeah, we support you. Invite whoever you want. I don’t care. There’s some weirdos in our family. Versus my fiance’s family is like gigantic. And they’re like, if we don’t- if I don’t invite literally everyone who’s related to me, there will be, like, political issue for the rest of my life as a result. It’s bananas.

Chris [00:10:43] Yeah. Now where are you doing it? Where. Where’s the wedding going down?

Caller [00:10:48] Oh, at my aunt’s house, actually. Okay. It sounds like it’s a backyard wedding, and it sounds like it’s like teeny, teeny, tiny, but she’s, like, filthy rich, and they have, like, a whole estate, and they got horses and shit. Like, it’ll be like a fun, like, farm, and we’re calling it like, elevated farm. I don’t know if that’s actually going to work, but that’s what we’re doing for, for now.

Chris [00:11:08] You got a rich aunt. That’s nice that you’re going to owe this aunt forever. Okay, I like that. I feel like I’m coming off as extraordinarily negative towards weddings. But yeah, they’re good, they’re fine. I like them.

Caller [00:11:24] No, I’m here for it because I feel like I can’t complain about it. Right? And I’m just like, yeah, I mean, of course, like, yes, yes, yes. Very excited. But it’s like a whole part time job that you have to do to get everything together. It’s wild. I didn’t like- that’s what I feel like people lied to me about. They’re like, Oh yeah, it’s going to be a great day. It’s a little bit stressful, but it’ll be fun. And I’m sitting here, I’m like, What do you mean like a little bit stressful? There’s a lot of moving parts here. It’s crazy.

Chris [00:11:50] My wife entered our wedding on a zip line.

Caller [00:11:55] Okay, that’s pretty bad ass. I need to figure out a cool entrance.

Chris [00:11:58] Yeah, you should get a zip line. It went great. Well, it was over a lake. We got married at a summer camp. But the thing was, her dress was weighing down more than during the practice run, and it hit the water. And then this really hot Australian guy who is in charge of the zip line- we weren’t in Australia, he was just an Australian guy. He’s like this jacked hot Australian dude he had- at my wedding, I was standing there and I watched a man rescue my wife. And I was like, Well, if she wants one more chance to get the fuck out, this is her chance. She could just run away with that hunk because he got a great accent and he was one of the, you know, one of these guys whose job he’s like a rock climbing pothead. And then he runs the zip line at this summer camp for cash. Just the hottest dude ever. I like saw that my young cousin- my cousin was like 16 or 17 at the time and her and her friend were at the wedding and they were like in love with this dude. And I was like, Oh yeah, he’s a good looking dude. And then when I said hi to him, he was like, Hi, how you doin’, mate? And I was like, Oh, fuck, man. Like this, this guy might steal my fiancee on my wedding weekend. That could be bad.

Caller [00:12:57] He’s got the accent.

Chris [00:12:59] That could be bad.

Caller [00:12:59] Wait. So was this, like, at a summer camp so she like came in over a lake?

Chris [00:13:03] Yes, she came in over a lake on a zip line. She’s very cool. She’s very cool.

Caller [00:13:09] There’s a body of water at our venue, and I’m, like, terrified someone’s going to get too drunk and, like, drown. It’s going to be. I’m sure it’ll be fine.

Chris [00:13:18] That went, like, 0 to 100 right there.

Caller [00:13:21] Oh, my God, Chris, I’m like, in like, I’m an anxious person, which probably doesn’t help things in terms of, like, wedding planning.

Chris [00:13:29] Yeah. Yeah. Now, have you and your fiance gotten into any fights over stuff that you don’t care about yet? I just heard a bunch of guys laugh and no women laugh in the room.

Caller [00:13:42] Is this stuff he doesn’t care about that I think he should care about or?

Chris [00:13:47] Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, yes. Stuff he doesn’t care about that you think he should care about. Have you had any of those fights yet?

Caller [00:13:56] I wanted him to have an opinion on what his groomsmen should wear. And he did not give me an opinion. He’s like, you’re like you’re you’re in charge of the color scheme. And I’m like, When did we establish that I was in charge of the color scheme? That’s another annoying thing about weddings is that I feel like it’s all like the bride plans it all, but like, dude, like, pull your weight.

Chris [00:14:18] Oh, boy. We’re going to pause right there. Because I tell you, I have experience with this one when it comes to being a dummy about color schemes and not carrying my weight when it comes to planning a wedding. I have I have things to admit and to talk about. We’ll be back and we’ll do all of that. Thanks so much to all of our advertisers who allow this show to happen. Now let’s get back to the phone call.

Caller [00:14:45] And he does not give me an opinion. He’s like you’re like you’re you’re in charge of the color scheme. And I’m like, when did we establish that I was in charge of the color scheme? That’s another annoying thing about weddings is that I feel like it’s all like the bride plans it all, but like, dude, like pull your weight, you know? Pick a color for your suits.

Chris [00:15:02] Okay, counter point. Counter point from my end. I will never forget, we had one discussion where we had to decide if the napkins were going to be aqua or teal. And I’m slightly colorblind, so I was looking at these two colors and I was going, I cannot tell the difference. It’s very hard for me to choose between aqua and teal. And Hallie was like, I can’t be the only one who cares about stuff like this. What do you think, aqua or teal? And I was like, okay, let’s go with aqua. And she was like, Why? And I was like, And then I had to just come up with it. I was like, Well, we’re getting married at the summer camp, so it’s very childlike, but the aqua is like a little more grown up feeling. So maybe like we want that as a balance. And she was like, I agree. But that’s why I think teal. We go all in. Like if we’re having the fun wedding, let’s go with teal. It’s slightly more fun than aqua. And I was like, Well, are we taking ourselves seriously at all with it? And we like started like actually getting in a fight where and I- at some point in the fight, it was getting really heated and I was like, I just want to remind you, my beginning was I don’t care. Like I don’t- I made up this opinion and now I’m defending it tooth and fucking nail and you’re not talking to me anymore, like…

Caller [00:16:12] Oh, no.

Chris [00:16:13] Like we’re going to bed angry because we’re fighting over napkins, when my starting point was, Whatever you want is fine. And then we got in a big fight about it. And now I’m in the doghouse. It was a bummer.

Caller [00:16:26] Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. That’s fair. But, like, maybe I would pull that. I don’t know. Because I feel like I don’t care. But then at the same time, like, if he picks the wrong color, I’m going to be a little mad.

Chris [00:16:39] That’s pressure.

Caller [00:16:40] So maybe you got something there.

Chris [00:16:42] Caller, I just checked our hashtag for the first time because the crowd here in Michigan can contribute to the show. Happy to tell you that the one that just came in is making me so happy. Katie just said, Hearing about straight people planning weddings makes me extra happy to be gay. Thank you so much, Katie. That’s a hell of a.

Caller [00:17:03] Wonderful insight, Katie.

Chris [00:17:06] Absolutely. Apparently Keegan’s informed me, apparently at some point I described the plot of Along came Polly, which I don’t even know what part of what I said was that. Another Katie, a lot of Katie’s here tonight, said, Can identify, just got married. It’s feeling relatable. And then our our original friend said, 2020 bride here. Second wedding. If I haven’t talked to you since my first wedding, you don’t get an invite to the next. I like that. I like that. Keegan is saying the real flex is just eloping. Save all your money. If everyone’s mad, nobody’s mad. I like that.

Caller [00:17:41] That was the first fight we had. I always wanted to elope and I’m like here trying to give my husband the wedding his dreams.

Chris [00:17:49] Really? You want to elope? And he’s the one who wants the wedding of his dreams?

Caller [00:17:53] Yeah, like, honest to God, we were- so we started dating, like, maybe, like, four, no like, six months before the pandemic. And during the pandemic, we lived in, like, a city with a large park, but not the one you’re thinking of. And we saw people getting married in the park one day, and I was like, Man, I am envious of these, like, 20, 21 people who are just like, Fuck it, we’re we’re going to elope because it takes away so much of the pressure and there’s like an excuse to elope without it being kind of weird. And he was like, It really hurts my feelings when you say that because I really want to have a wedding. And I was like, Oh, no.

Chris [00:18:34] Wow, wow. And now you’re stuck planning a wedding.

Caller [00:18:39] Exactly! No, but I’ve come around to it because, like, the thing that stressed me out was it’s like it feels like a lot of pressure to have this day and, like, be in front of everyone. And I, like, feel weird about being, like, overly romantic in public. And this is like the most overly romantic in public I have to be. And like, that just all makes me feel kind of uncomfortable. But I’ve come around to it because it’s like, you know, people pointed out to me, that it’s like the only time in your life for a happy reason all of your friends and family are going to get together, like likely, is your wedding. And I was like, That’s a really good point. And I see the merit in it.

Chris [00:19:18] That’s true. A lot of these people might be all in the same room again until you’re dead.

Caller [00:19:24] Exactly.

Chris [00:19:25] That’s a bummber.

Caller [00:19:27] It’s the only happy reason they’re all going to be here. I mean, yeah, like, until I die or like something tragic happens. I don’t know. Not saying when I die, it’s gonna be a happy reason.

Chris [00:19:37] Yeah, like. Big giant, like what would be a what would be a happy reason to die? You drown in a bunch of silly string?

Caller [00:19:45] I don’t know I don’t know if there would be a happy reason to die. I haven’t thought it through. I haven’t thought it through how I’m gonna die.

Chris [00:19:50] Now, you started dating six months before the pandemic, you said?

Caller [00:19:56] Yeah.

Chris [00:19:57] And then did you move in together during the pandemic?

Caller [00:20:01] We did. We moved in together almost a year ago now.

Chris [00:20:04] Wow.

Caller [00:20:05] And we got engaged in January. And we’re getting married in October.

Chris [00:20:09] Do you feel like the pandemic had any effect on the at the pace at which you worked? Because that is not the longest amount of time to date before getting engaged.

Caller [00:20:19] Yeah, we dated like, over two years, a little over two years before getting engaged. But I do I joke when people ask me that, I joke that we’re like trauma bonded now, so it’s like a thing. But really it’s- the way we talk about it is we had a lot of fun for the first like six months when we started dating, and then this like huge thing happened in our world. And like, like I previously mentioned, I, I have anxiety. I’m like a really anxious person. And like, the beginning of the pandemic really threw me. And like, I was like, having a really hard time, and he was there for me, like, every step of the way when, like, in an early relationship, it’d be like, all right, like we’re going to kind of deal with this on our, on our own or whatever. And like, I started hanging out like it was- the only options were like his apartment or mine or like his family. And so I started spending a lot of time with his family. And then like when you’re just like inside watching TV and talking and eating takeout together for two years, you really have a lot of conversations about like what you’re really looking for and what you really want out of, like your life and your future, like forever partner. And I think that really like, I think the pandemic was really make or break for a lot of people. And for us, thankfully, it was really like, make. If that makes sense.

Chris [00:21:44] It does. It does. And what’s your life when you’re not planning a wedding? Like, what do you do? Who are you outside of someone planning a wedding?

Caller [00:21:55] I’m. I’m. I am a project manager at an advertising agency. For a career. For actual, like, hobbies… I don’t I never know what to answer for that. Like, I feel like I haven’t been doing anything. And now I’m starting to do stuff which involves just like going out for drinks with my friends and maybe playing some board games.

Chris [00:22:20] Uh huh. What games do you like? What? What are the hot games these days? I was just at Grand Rapids. They got this whole board game bar. You can you can get fucked up and play board games. It was pretty fun.

Caller [00:22:32] We put a lot of board games on our registry, actually, which hopefully we get some of them. We’ve been playing a lot of- okay, on my Switch, there’s a Wheel of Fortune game that I have locked like 100 hours on. It’s a lot of fun. You literally just play Wheel of Fortune. It’s terribly designed. It’s wonderful. Um, Monopoly has been one. I like the classics. Settlers of Catan, we’ve been playing a lot of. And there’s this game, this card game called canasta, which is like an old people game, like, my parents are really into it, that my fiancee and I started playing with his parents during the pandemic. And now we’re, like, all obsessed. So it’s been a lot of fun.

Chris [00:23:17] I have to say, and I say this is great love, when I’m like, So who are you when you’re not planning your wedding? And you’re like, I’m a project manager. I’m very into canasta. I’m like, Holy shit. That is a funny answer to me.

Caller [00:23:32] I’m a project manager. I like to organize things unless it’s my wedding. And I like canasta, which is a game where you organize things. What can I say?

Chris [00:23:40] You’re really into organizing.

Caller [00:23:43] Yeah, which is weird cause I have ADHD and I’m terrible at it. I don’t know why I have this job, frankly.

Chris [00:23:50] How did you get into this job if it’s not built for your personality? Project managing at an advertising firm. Do you like it?

Caller [00:23:57] I like it I guess when I’m being paid for it like. I think it’s a good challenge. And like, I like that this job is different every day and I like that there’s depth to it. There’s like a process. So there’s nothing that I have to like self motivate for. It’s mostly I wait for like emails and then I do the next step in the process, type of thing. Which I feel like some people find boring, but I like that it’s predictable and problem solving. I like to problem solve and I do very well under pressure. So that’s what I like about it.

Chris [00:24:31] And what is it? I’ve never played canasta. I’ve only heard canasta referenced in like sketch comedy as an old person thing.

Caller [00:24:41] I mean. Okay, fair enough. So you so you get cards, right? Like two decks of cards. It has to be two decks. And it’s a four player game and you sit down at the table and your partner like it’s so it’s like a partner game. You’re on a team. And so your partner sits across from you, diagonally across from you. And then so you’re facing your opponent and your opponent’s next to you, the opposing team. And you deal what is it like 12 cards out to each person and then there’s like a huge deck of cards in the middle because it’s two decks and you basically just try to collect sets of three or more cards. That’s it.

Chris [00:25:20] Okay.

Caller [00:25:23] I’m very bad at it.

Chris [00:25:24] I love that we just had a roomful of people in Michigan sitting quietly as you explain the broad overview of canasta. It’s making me very happy.

Caller [00:25:35] I’m so sorry. This must be extremely boring, Michigan. I apologize.

Chris [00:25:39] I will say the crowd is tossing out some very it’s they’re all tossing out suggestions of rides that should be on your registry. Lauren wants to make sure that you’ve got Ticket to Ride on there.

Caller [00:25:49] Oh, hell yeah. I love ticket. I play that. That’s my that’s like my favorite game with a bunch of friends. Great, great suggestion.

Chris [00:25:56] Fluttering Read says I’ve heard canasta referenced in classic Looney Tunes shorts. Like, that’s how long we’ve been making fun of canasta. That Bugs Bunny makes fun of it.

Caller [00:26:07] It’s a classic for a reason, Chris.

Chris [00:26:09] Joshua says play Monopoly Deal. You won’t be disappointed. It might end your engagement though. I wish I could play a Dungeons and Dragons type game is on there. Kathleen is saying, Learning to play cribbage with my grandma right now. And oh, this one I like. Sarah said, Caller, have you tried Hunt a Killer? And at first I thought Sarah was asking if you’ve hunted down a killer. And then I realized there must be a game called Hunt a Killer. I don’t know if you’re familiar with that one.

Caller [00:26:38] Is that the one, I think I’ve seen ads for it on social media, where they, like, send you a box and like it has like case files and you have to, like, pretend you’re a detective and then, like, figure out who the killer is. It’s like Clue?

Chris [00:26:51] Sarah says, that’s it. Yes, Sarah says, That’s it.

Caller [00:26:55] Okay, I maybe I’ll be influenced to check it out now.

Chris [00:26:58] People are asking if you play euchre. People are just naming the other hilariously old timey games.

Caller [00:27:06] My fiance’s from Ohio and apparently in Ohio they love euchre. It’s like a midwestern thing.

Chris [00:27:14] The guy who just clapped for Ohio, are they really? This is one of the weirdest calls we’ve ever had in the show, just discussing which card games are popular in Ohio at a show in Michigan. I’ll tell you here, Lauren puts up a thing now that I like, and I wonder your reaction to that. Lauren says, Caller has a predictable job in hobbies. She’s got to be hiding something. Caller, what are you hiding? What are you hiding? Lonzo also says your husband is from Ohio? Wedding denied.

Caller [00:27:50] Wedding denied. That’s- okay, everyone gives me shit for him being from Ohio and I’m like, I get it. But now he doesn’t live in Ohio. He lives with me, so it’s fine.

Chris [00:28:00] But has he actively disavowed Ohio in a way that would please Michigan?

Caller [00:28:05] No. My mother in law is forcing me to go to a second reception in Ohio. That’s a whole thing.

Chris [00:28:12] Ohio getting resoundingly booed here in Michigan. So sorry to the Ohio people who already admitted, came out as Ohio people. And what part of Ohio is he from? I want to see if it’s a particularly egregious part to them.

Caller [00:28:25] It’s like a Cleveland suburb.

Chris [00:28:28] A Cleveland suburb. Oh, wow. Anger. Anger in the room here at the Pyramids Cave in Grand Rapids. Someone just went, Oh, come on! And then the whole crowd started booing. The idea of Cleveland having suburbs.

Caller [00:28:39] I’m sorry.

Chris [00:28:40] Did he go to Ohio State?

Caller [00:28:43] He went to Case Western.

Chris [00:28:49] Well, apparently, Michigan is cool with Case Western.

Caller [00:28:54] Great. It’s a good school, I think.

Chris [00:28:56] It was like that scene in Half Baked where it’s like, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you’re cool, fuck you. But for some reason, everybody is like, oh Case Western. Then he’s fine.

Caller [00:29:06] Oh, yeah, see? There’s a redeeming quality.

Chris [00:29:09] Sure. Okay. Husband from Ohio. We want to know, what are you hiding, Caller. Because you seem like a pretty together person with a happy stuff going on.

Caller [00:29:19] I don’t know. I really don’t feel that together. Everyone says that, but I feel like I’m not. But like, I don’t know. I feel like maybe I should become more interesting because, like, my mom- well, I was such a boring teenager that my mom was convinced I had a double life and was really good at lying to her. But like, no, I like genuinely just went and I hung out with my friends in like the youth group room because there was nowhere else to go in my small town. And like we like ate cheetos. Like that was it like, I’m, I’m so boring. I’m sorry.

Chris [00:29:56] So in high school to cause trouble, you’d hang out with your youth group eating Cheetos? That was your teenage?

Caller [00:30:01] It wasn’t even to cause trouble. That was all I did. And my mom was like, I think she was hoping I was more rebellious. She’s like, What? Like, are you sure you don’t want to, like, go out? And I was like, No, I’m cool. I’m like, I want to hang out, you know, do whatever, like have Starbucks and go to the movies.

Chris [00:30:22] And what instrument did you play in the marching band?

Caller [00:30:27] I was not in marching band. I did play the steel pan. I was in a steel pan orchestra back in the day. I played it for like six years.

Chris [00:30:36] Wait, did you say a steel pan orchestra?

Caller [00:30:39] Yeah. Like steel drums, you know, like the Caribbean.

Chris [00:30:43] Like calypso?

Caller [00:30:45] Yeah!

Chris [00:30:46] I have to say, based on you telling me how you’re really into canasta and settlers of catan with your white bread Ohio fiancee, I did not expect you to bust out that you used to play in a calypso music steel drum outfit.

Caller [00:31:04] Yeah, well, yeah. So I guess you pulled it out of me because that’s like, that’s usually my fun fact. And people are like, What’s your fun fact? I’m like, I played the steel drums for like six or seven years.

Chris [00:31:14] How did you get into the steel drums? It does seem out of character based on everything else.

Caller [00:31:20] Okay. So my mom, as I’ve mentioned, was like, please find a hobby. You either have to do a sport or a musical instrument. And I was like, Fine. And there was this guy who I went to like this, like weird hippie dippy, private middle school. And there was this guy who, like, put up fliers. I guess he had, like, a school of music. And one of the and he did like weird music. He did like taiko drums and marimbas and steel pan. He did like kind of like non-mainstream instruments at the School of Music. And I was like, I’ll try this steel drum thing. And then I did it for six years because I can’t quit anything. Well, it also it was fun.

Chris [00:32:01] Also you had fun. Okay. Here’s some comments that have come back. I just want you to know Tom has a message for your fiancee, presumably. Maybe you. Tom just simply says, Ohio is the asshole of the world. So that’s a thing that’s come up in the room. Also, and then a different person named Tom says, Toledo belongs to Michigan. Screw Ohio. It does seem like there’s a lot of anti Ohio feedback to the call thus far.

Caller [00:32:33] Yeah, everyone hates Ohio and I feel like I have to defend it, but I’m not going to bother.

Chris [00:32:38] And what part of the world are you from?

Caller [00:32:42] So I’m originally from Virginia and now I live in Massachusetts.

Chris [00:32:47] Okay, those are two places that I don’t have much of a problem with. That’s good.

Caller [00:32:52] Yeah, it’s pretty neutral.

Chris [00:32:55] Yeah. Yeah. I didn’t realize that there was so much Ohio hate, but I guess when you’re in Michigan, that’s bound to happen, right?

Caller [00:33:02] Oh, no, everyone hates Ohio, Chris. Have you- like everyone hates Ohio. Like people joke that like the reason like all of the astronauts have gone to space are from Ohio is because they don’t want to be there.

Chris [00:33:16] I didn’t realize this. I guess I’m from New Jersey and New Jersey gets shitted on so hard that I haven’t noticed all the anti Ohio stuff, but this is a national thing to pick on Ohio?

Audience [00:33:25] Yeah.

Caller [00:33:26] Yeah. Yeah people shit on it.

Chris [00:33:29] Yeah. You and Michigan are in agreement on that thus far. It’s pretty universal. Yeah, I’ve had good times in Ohio. I’ve had good shows. Cleveland. Dayton.

Caller [00:33:40] I had to spend a month in Ohio one time to go to my fiance’s friends’ weddings and they were all like back to back weekends, so we were like, fuck it, we’ll just got an Airbnb in Ohio for a month. And like it was fine. That’s all I have to say about it. It’s a fine place.

Chris [00:33:58] Okay. Okay. So steel drums. So Lonzo wants to know, How many times have you run into Matt Damon and Ben Affleck? Is that because she lives in Massachusetts now? I don’t think they live there anymore.

Caller [00:34:12] Oh, yeah, because they’re from Boston. But they did film a Christmas movie that’s coming out next year in my office, which is kind of fun. I don’t know who that was. It was Will Smith and what’s the what’s the Ryan guy from Deadpool?

Chris [00:34:27] Ryan Reynolds?

Caller [00:34:29] Yeah. That one. That Ryan.

Chris [00:34:31] Wait. What is this about Will Smith and Ryan Reynolds? I missed it.

Caller [00:34:35] Didn’t like, no, not Will Smith. Oh, shoot, who’s Buddy the Elf? I’m so bad at celebrity names.

Chris [00:34:41] Who’s who?

Caller [00:34:44] Buddy the Elf.

Audience [00:34:46] Will Ferrell!

Chris [00:34:48] Will Ferrell.

Caller [00:34:49] Will Ferrell!

Chris [00:34:50] You just mixed up Will Ferrell and Will Smith. Imagine if Will Ferrell slapped the shit out of Chris Rock at the Oscars? That would have been so heartbreaking. That would have been even worse somehow. Let’s let’s pause here. Let’s just pause here so I can allow everyone to just take a deep breath and visualize Will Ferrell smacking Chris Rock. And you can have a chuckle, much like the one I had. Hey, we’ll be right back, everybody. Thank you to all the advertisers who allow this show to exist. And now we’re going to finish off the phone call. Imagine if Will Ferrell slapped the shit out of Chris Rock at the Oscars? That would have been so heartbreaking for- that would have been even worse somehow. Imagine that? I’ve met Will Ferrell a bunch of times. He’s a large man. Wouldn’t want him slapping the shit out of me. Now, what is this about Will Ferrell and Ryan Reynolds? I missed how they came up.

Caller [00:35:51] Well, I almost met them because they filmed a Christmas movie in in our office building, so we couldn’t be there all of like August. Last summer.

Chris [00:36:03] I have to say, caller, some people might hear like, oh, you said like your mom wished you were more exciting growing up and more rebellious. And you talked about how you’re very into canasta right now. And some people might say, oh, this caller is a little milquetoast. And but to hear that you almost met Ryan Reynolds. Now that’s-

Caller [00:36:23] It’s more milquetoast.

Chris [00:36:24] That’s that’s- slow down. I don’t know if I can handle that much momentum.

Caller [00:36:31] Oh, my God. Do you guys have advice for something I could do to be more interesting?

Chris [00:36:36] No. You’re doing great. Stop. You’re doing great.

Caller [00:36:39] I tried improv. That was interesting. But then the pandemic shut down the theater, which was rough. But whatever.

Chris [00:36:46] As is the way. As is the way. People are now tweeting videos on the hashtag of steel drum orchestras in action. Thank you for that.

Caller [00:36:56] Yeah, they’re are a lot of fun. People don’t realize that. We played, like, shows and everything.

Chris [00:37:01] Did you have a name? What was the name of your steel drum group?

Caller [00:37:06] I don’t remember? Like all pan band maybe? I don’t know.

Chris [00:37:10] Fair. Goldie says that Will Smith is going to track you down and slap you for mixing him up with Will Ferrell.

Caller [00:37:17] I’m the worst. I’m so bad at celebrity names.

Chris [00:37:20] It’s fine. Now, who’s the person you’re most excited to see at your wedding? Are there any people there where you’re like, That person better show up because I’d be so thrilled to see them? Because I went negative and talked about cutting out my ex roommate.

Caller [00:37:33] I’m really excited to see some of my friends from college who I haven’t seen in five years, like since we graduated.

Chris [00:37:38] That’s cool.

Caller [00:37:40] That’s going to be really, really nice. Like some of my, like, really, really close friends that I haven’t seen in so long. And like, you know, we have a group chat and stuff that’s like periodically active, but I’m like really excited to see them and hang out and catch up. It’s going to be really nice. I’m just hoping, like, we don’t get a crasher. I’m sure we won’t. But who’s to say?

Chris [00:38:02] I had a crasher.

Caller [00:38:06] No! Who?

Chris [00:38:08] Okay. How do I tell this story? Oh boy. So. I had a very strange situation at my wedding, caller. I don’t know if I should air it out, but I will. So there was someone at my wedding who came without a date. And they had not. They had not asked for a plus one. And my wedding was in a very hard to get to area of upstate New York. So it wasn’t a place where you would randomly be meeting people. And there was someone involved- and I’m not trying to sound like a big shot. This person at my wedding is someone who was in the entertainment industry, who people recognized and who, you know, relatives of mine and friends of mine who weren’t in the entertainment industry were like, Oh, cool, that guy’s here. That’s cool. And it was fine. People know what I do professionally. And then all of a sudden, we were on my honeymoon, and my mom called me and said, Hey, blank, who was blank’s date? And why did you sit them at the table with all my brothers and sisters? And I was like, I did not seat that television personality with like my Uncle Paul and Aunt Rose. And he didn’t.

Caller [00:39:22] Oh, my God.

Chris [00:39:22] And he didn’t have a date. What are you talking about? And he’s like, Well, your Uncle Paul told me that he had a date and she wasn’t really dressed for a wedding. She was dressed for. She seemed like maybe dressed like a little more sexy than you would dress for a wedding. And he was wondering who she was. And then they kind of like left and left the table and then nobody really saw them again. I was like, What the? What is going on here? And I asked around. I realized that my my dad’s friend Sam threw his back out and him and his wife didn’t make the wedding last minute, and there were two empty seats at the table. So I was like, he just randomly grabbed the one table that had two empty seats and then was just like awkwardly sitting with my mom siblings. And I was scared to reach out to my friend because I was like, What’s going on? So then we start thinking, did he hook up with like another guest there? And my mom described the person as, Oh, maybe it was Hallie’s friend, blah, blah, blah. We asked her. No, it wasn’t her. Hey, did any of this? And then we finally found a friend who was like, Yeah, I got in a fight with him about that. And I was like, What happened? He was like, he picked up a girl on Instagram and convinced her to get on a train and come to your wedding. And I was like, what? He found an Instagram- he found a person on instagram? And he was like, Yeah. And then they got really high. They ate pot cookies and just went to bed. And then she left in the morning. I was like, there was a human at my wedding trying to hook up with this celebrity friend, and I never met them? I was like, That’s bad, that’s- so I had that happen at my wedding.

Caller [00:40:52] Wow. Well, now you have a cool story. I’m just worried my like crazy aunt who I didn’t invite because as I mentioned, I didn’t invite some of my family, is going to crash.

Chris [00:41:00] You had a you have a crazy aunt you didn’t invite? What makes her so crazy?

Caller [00:41:05] It’s just like it’s actually a little bit sad. She’s just like super fundamentalist Christian brainwashed. And like, I was like, I can’t invite her because I’m just going to be worried she’s going to, like, scream at my gay friends all night. Like, that’s not going to happen. But, like, she’s, like, but my dad told her that she’s not invited. And then she got, like, she got, like, weird about it. So I’m like, oh, geez. Hopefully he doesn’t find out the address.

Chris [00:41:33] Oh, wow. What if she showed up and became best pals with your gay friends and it turned her whole life around?

Caller [00:41:40] That would be really nice. That would be the best outcome. Maybe I should invite her.

Chris [00:41:45] What would you say the percentage chance is that your aunt has so much fun with your gay friends at your wedding that she radically re-alters her fundamental approach to life and human beings?

Caller [00:41:58] 3% chance. Pretty low.

Chris [00:41:59] Yeah. Not worth it. Not worth it.

Caller [00:42:03] No. Yeah. She, when I was, like, four years old, she told me I was going to burn in hell forever. Like, that kind of person.

Chris [00:42:08] As a four year old? She told you when you were four?

Caller [00:42:11] I was like four years old and my mom told her not to talk to me again.

Chris [00:42:14] What did you do? What did you do at the age of four that caused your aunt to say you’re going to burn in hell? Four year olds don’t even have the capacity to do anything.

Caller [00:42:22] I don’t know! I would probably I was probably doing normal four year old shit, like, like drawing a block or something. I don’t know. I told you, she’s crazy.

Chris [00:42:31] She told a four year old child, you’re going to burn in hell. Oh, my God. Oh, my goodness.

Caller [00:42:36] Yeah. Yeah. One of those types. So no offense to anyone in the audience who’s one of those types. Well, maybe offense.

Chris [00:42:44] No. I’ve got nothing against people if they’re religious. But if you’re telling toddlers they’re going to burn in hell, then I have no problem if you get offended in the audience. If you’re like, not all people who tell toddlers they’re going to burn in hell are bad, I might agree to disagree on that. You tell a toddler they’re going to burn in hell, yeah, that’s really bad. That’s pretty bad.

Caller [00:43:04] It’s so bad. It’s so bad. But like I only have to see her, like, maybe once a year for 10 minutes. So it’s fine. It’s doable.

Chris [00:43:12] Does she still think you’re going to burn in hell? What do you think deep down?

Caller [00:43:17] Probably. Because she, like, sends me, like, bible verses for, and like, chicken soup for the Christian soul or whatever for Christmas every year. So she’s probably trying to save me from a distance.

Chris [00:43:26] I can’t deal with that. That’s why I was a pretty smart kid, man. And I fundamentally like when I remember being in third grade, they had us do the confession with the priest growing up Catholic, where you got to go and tell the priest all the bad stuff you’ve done. And I did it one time, and I never did it again. I kept- all my brother and all our friends in the neighborhood were altar boys. I was like, I don’t want to do it, man. This whole idea that kids are bad and we got to confess to weird grown ups in a booth, I was like, I’m not into that, man. I don’t think I’m bad. Like, I’m sorry. I don’t think kids are bad. Like, I knew from the start. I was like, Who is this fuck? What’s up with these weird priests who are old men who want to go to a box with an eight year old and hear all the bad shit they did? I was like, That’s so fucked up. When I was eight years old, I was like, I’m pretty much done with this shit already. And I rode it out until Communion, but I knew in the back of my head the whole time. I was like, Fuck this. This feels weird. I don’t like this. I don’t like all the- all of it, man. And I mean, my grandmother taught at that Catholic school where I took my Sunday school classes. My parents met because they were both students at that elementary school back in the day. And I was like, I’m not into it. Something feels weird. Something feels off. And then guess what, man? When you Google in New Jersey, they released the name of all the priests who pulled shit, and one of them was my fucking neighborhood church priest. He was the cool priest. Big surprise. He was the one who was taking kids down the Jersey Shore, getting them drunk. Like these priests are fucked up, man. I can’t do it. So I got no problem with religious people. Just don’t be fucking weird and don’t tell kids they’re bad. And even if part of your doctrine is telling kids that they’re bad, I’m going to call bullshit on that right away, man. I’m not into it. I’m never going to tell my son he’s bad. My son’s not bad. He’s good. With all dogma and religion convincing him he’s bad just because he was born. Nah, that’s not his problem. It’s fine.

Caller [00:45:21] Yeah, right. He didn’t. Yeah, it’s really screwed up. I didn’t grow up Catholic, but I’m, like, fascinated by, like, the whole, like, idea. It’s, like, wild to me. But my fiancee did, and I was like, what did you say during during confession? He was like, I don’t know. I just lied.

Chris [00:45:39] Yeah, I went into that. I remember just being like, Yeah, I cursed. I guess I said some curses. I didn’t listen to my mom. The priest is like, Do this many Hail Marys. I’m like, I’ll think about it. Honestly, dude. Like I’ll take it under consideration. I got to sit here with the rosary beads.

Caller [00:45:53] Yeah, you got to make something up. You cannot tell like a random adult in your life when you’re a child, like all of your deepest, darkest thoughts. That’s probably not safe.

Chris [00:46:03] I also remember I was smart enough as a kid to know, like, like I’m eight years old, like anything- if you’re really interested in anything I’ve done that is bad, that’s so weird. Like, why would you be interested in what I, as an eight year old, have done? Like, oh, I’ve, I’ve fucking snuck some ice cream when my parents weren’t- I ate my dessert before my dinner. Like, why would an adult care? If an adult cares about that, they got bad intentions. I didn’t trust it. I never liked it. Anyway, my point being, your aunt sounds kind of intense. That’s where that anti-Catholicism rant just came from.

Caller [00:46:40] And that’s why she didn’t get an invite. I will say, though, it is kind of fun. I have like a toddler niece and nephew and it is kind of fun watching them squirm when you catch them in a lie, you know? But I mean, I’m not going to make them feel shitty for it.

Chris [00:46:55] People who are bringing up other uh celery dork say, wait till Chris learns about the total depravity of Calvinism. Imagine that if I was like, I’m not into Catholicism any more. I think I might take up Calvinism. I think that sounds like a more- from what I hear, that’s a more laid back option for me. Keegan agreeing you haven’t done anything at for going to hell. Katie says, That is sweet of you to protect your gay friends. Honestly, I love that. Celery dork is mad at me for not naming the celebrity’s name, but I’ll just let everybody guess. Feel free to guess in the hashtag. Fluttering Reid says, What’s a Hail Mary? Hail Mary is a thing, right?

Caller [00:47:34] Yeah.

Chris [00:47:35] Yeah. I was going to say, I don’t think I’m that lapsed as a Catholic. You got the Our Father. You got the Hail Mary. Those are the two big ones. I don’t I don’t do either of them anymore. What’s that, caller?

Caller [00:47:45] It’s just like prayers, you got to say. Right? And then somehow, like, God is keeping a tally and he’s like, yeah, I cashed out. Fair enough.

Chris [00:47:52] Yeah, yeah. Not my thing. Not my thing.

Caller [00:47:55] Yeah.

Chris [00:47:56] Caller, when’s the wedding going down? When’s it happening?

Caller [00:48:00] It’s this October. Again, everyone’s like, short relationship, short engagement. Are you pregnant? And I’m like, No, I’m boring. Remember? But we, again, nothing sounds worse to me than planning a wedding for over a year long where everyone has opinions. It’s the worst. I cannot. I am ready to have it done.

Chris [00:48:22] Let’s write your vows right now. Me and you. Let’s write your vows. Should we do it?

Caller [00:48:27] Okay. How do you write a vow?

Chris [00:48:30] Let’s write some vows.

Caller [00:48:31] I haven’t gotten to this part of my wedding research. Is it just like I promise to do these things?

Chris [00:48:35] Yeah, like, you know, like the tradition. Yeah, like there’s traditional ones, but more often these days, people write their own vows where, like, you’ll tell the story about your fiancee or, you know, something about how they met or, you know, your own version of it. And I think we should write the vows that will be so out of character for you that they’ll shock your whole family and your friend group and no one will see it coming. That’s what I think we should do with the rest of our time.

Caller [00:49:00] Oh. Okay. Let’s do it. Okay. So I need to pick, like, out-of-character things to promise?

Chris [00:49:05] Yeah. Like, I think the first thing that you should say is like, hey, before I even get into the vows, I just want to thank everybody for coming. This wedding fucking rocks ass and I’m so fucking psyched you’re here. Say that word for word and I feel like everyone who knows you would just think you’re having, like, an aneurysm at your wedding. This wedding fucking rocks ass. Thanks, thanks for being here, everybody. Can we start with that?

Caller [00:49:30] Gonna walk down the aisle, turn around to everyone. Hey, guys. Thank you for coming. We’re so excited to share this day. It’s going to rock. It’s going to- what did you say? Rock fucking ass?

Chris [00:49:38] Rock fucking ass. Yeah. It rock’s fucking ass. Yeah, exactly. Thank you, everybody for coming.

Caller [00:49:42] It rocks fucking ass.

Chris [00:49:44] Yeah. How would your family and friends react if you said that?

Caller [00:49:48] Oh, my, my parents would laugh. Like, my parents are really chill.

Chris [00:49:52] Good.

Caller [00:49:52] I’ve been, like, cursing around them for, like, forever.

Chris [00:49:55] Great then we got a lot of room to grow with these vows. Good.

Caller [00:49:58] My future father in law would be taken aback, actually. He hates the F word.

Chris [00:50:02] Well, he’s just. He’s just some. He’s just some stiff from Ohio. He’s just some stiff from Ohio.

Caller [00:50:12] He’s from Ohio.

Chris [00:50:12] Yeah. These Ohio people with their opinions.

Caller [00:50:14] He’s just some guy I got to maintain a relationship with.

Chris [00:50:14] He can take his goddamn opinions back to Ohio as far as I’m concerned. How about you say, how about you say this? You say, I view myself as a simple deck of cards, but when I see you, my fiancee, you shall soon be my husband. And you are a deck of cards. And that will bring us together into a lifelong game of canasta from which we shall never escape.

Caller [00:50:38] Honestly, some canasta games feel lifelong, man. They can go on a while. Yes, I think that’s wonderful. We got to bring in like metaphors. We also play Settlers of Catan together, so.

Chris [00:50:47] So say, I would not trade your love for all the wheat in Settlers of Catan.

Caller [00:50:54] Ohh, that’s actually really cute. I like legitimately might use that.

Chris [00:50:58] That one’s not bad. That one’s not bad. Let’s put that on the list.

Caller [00:51:01] That one’s really cute.

Chris [00:51:02] Let’s put that let’s put a checkmark next to that one under considers. I wouldn’t trade your love for all the wheat in Settlers of Catan. I like that.

Caller [00:51:09] I would. I’m literally writing this down. I wouldn’t trade your love for all the wheat in Settlers of Catan. Well, he is usually the brick hoarder, which is, like, really annoying, but like, it’s fine. We’ll say wheat.

Chris [00:51:20] Okay, why don’t we- Ticket to Ride, is that the one where you like, build roller coasters?

Audience [00:51:26] Trains.

Chris [00:51:27] Trains, okay.

Caller [00:51:27] No, you build trains, Chris.

Chris [00:51:28] Don’t get mad at me. You’ve been the most pleasant person of all time and you get mad because I make the sin of mixing up trains with roller coasters, which I just want to point out, roller coasters technically are a type of train, I think.

Caller [00:51:42] No, they aren’t. Are they reall? They’re not technically part train.

Chris [00:51:47] Roller coasters run on tracks! They’re just fast trains at steep angles!

Caller [00:51:52] Is anything on a track a train? Would you like get on a Hot Wheels track with your, like, son and be like, yeah, let’s play with the train? No, it’s a car.

Chris [00:52:00] No! That’s a car! I know the difference between a train and a car. Why are we mad at each other all of a sudden?

Caller [00:52:09] I don’t know. I’m sorry for yelling. Okay, so Ticket to Ride, real quick. You get like there’s a board, the whole United States, and you pull a ticket and you got to build a train to the place. That’s all. Easy.

Chris [00:52:23] How about this? How how how about you say, like uh… We’ve spent so much time- okay, it would be like, We spent so much time together playing Ticket to Ride, figuring out the best way to lay tracks. And little did I know that whole time, you were laying track directly to my heart.

Caller [00:52:43] Ohh, that’s cute. I thought you were going to make a weird sex joke with that. I like that. Let’s nice.

Chris [00:52:49] Nooo. Like laying pipe? You thought I was going to say laying pipe?

Caller [00:52:53] Yeah. Something like that.

Chris [00:52:54] Okay. And what are other?

Caller [00:52:56] That would shock my family.

Chris [00:52:59] You been layin’ track. We played Ticket to Ride, laying track. Pick up the pace, buddy. Why we layin’ track when we could be laying pipe? This wedding fucking rocks ass! Ohio sucks!

Caller [00:53:08] And my mother in law would be like, yes, grandchildren.

Chris [00:53:11] Okay, what other games? I’m- we’re cooking with- now we’re cooking with fire on these vows. What other games do you play? We got a Settlers of Catan one, a Ticket to Ride. What? What other games do we want to make references to?

Caller [00:53:22] Midwest. Give me something for euchre. Chris, it’s basically you got to match suits, I guess, to like- I never actually learned how to play. I fake my way through it all the time.

Chris [00:53:31] Euchre? You want us to reference euchre in your wedding vows?

Caller [00:53:37] Yeah. We were just talking about it. Okay. Maybe not for my wedding vows.

Chris [00:53:39] Okay. Okay.

Caller [00:53:40] I’m just naming games that I play. Okay. Okay. How about Wheel of Fortune?

Chris [00:53:44] Wheel of Fortune? How about this? Okay. Okay. What’s a good romantic vow? And please write these all down and then organize them in a way where you really feel like you are managing this project. I want you to feel like you’re managing this project to the best of your abilities. Let’s see. Let’s see.

Caller [00:54:02] I don’t know why I just lied to you.I’m literally not writing this down. I’ll just listen to this back.

Chris [00:54:08] I feel actively disrespected by that. How about you say like-

Caller [00:54:13] Oh, no.

Chris [00:54:14] We we share a real love of Wheel of Fortune. And as we all know, with Wheel of Fortune, one of the main goals is you want to figure out which vowels are up there on the board. Well, A E I O U nothing but a lifetime of fidelity and love. No, that’s not that good. There’s something there, but it’s not that good. It’s a little tangled up.

Caller [00:54:34] What about, like, like, um… Oh, I don’t know. Never mind. I’m thinking about, like, isn’t it like the daily double.

Chris [00:54:46] No, that’s Jeopardy!

Caller [00:54:47] No! That’s Jeopardy!

Chris [00:54:48] I got it. Ready? How about this? How about this? We love Wheel of Fortune. We play it all the time together. But if you ask me if I’d like to buy a vowel, there’s only one vowel left I’d like to buy; U.

Caller [00:54:59] Youuu. That’s cute, Chris.

Chris [00:55:03] How about you write that shit down, then! If it’s so cute, write it down so we don’t forget it!

Caller [00:55:08] Okay. Jesus Christ, Chris, let me get some paper over here.

Chris [00:55:13] If you want- I feel like you’ve been picking a fight with me this whole call. And you finally got it, lady.

Caller [00:55:19] This whole call?

Chris [00:55:19] This whole lady- I feel like- This whole call I feel like you’ve been trying to pick a fight with me. And now we’re in a fight. No, we’re not in a fight. We’re not in a fight.

Caller [00:55:26] You want to fight? Let’s fight.

Chris [00:55:30] No. The last thing I want to do is get in a fight with you about wedding planning.

Caller [00:55:32] But I will. I will. By the vowel U. Okay. Got it. I’ll spend the, what is it, like 200 bucks? Expensive for a vowel.

Chris [00:55:41] I’m not sure. I’m not sure.

Caller [00:55:43] Okay. What else do we play? Monopoly.

Chris [00:55:45] Okay, Monopoly. That’s good. Okay, let’s see. Monopoly. What’s a good wedding vow based on Monopoly? Get out of jail free. Someone’s suggesting get out of jail free. A get out of jail free card. I think we nailed it, caller. Someone in the crowd just yelled out, You can park in my place.

Caller [00:56:08] Yes.

Chris [00:56:09] What’s that?

Caller [00:56:10] That’s funny.

Chris [00:56:11] Park it in my place. You specifically wanted to get more sexual with it.

Caller [00:56:16] Okay. Yeah. So we’re just going to do sex jokes for my vows. That, that will go over really well.

Chris [00:56:22] I think it would. I think it sounds to me like people would love it. That’s- how about this, um.

Caller [00:56:30] What’s more games?

Chris [00:56:31] Yeah. What are some more games that we can come up with?

Caller [00:56:33] Wordl. We do the Wordl together every morning.

Chris [00:56:36] I do the wordl. Do you know how- what’s your starter word on Wordl? You got a starter word?

Caller [00:56:41] Oh I pick whatever comes to mind. But if I like, like every day, just the first word that pops into my head. But if I can’t think of one, I do arise.

Chris [00:56:50] Arise. That’s good. You get two vowels and oh, three vowels N, R, and S. Mine is very- I was using the same one every day and didn’t think it meant anything. And then I was like, That’s pretty fucked up that that’s how I start my day every day. My starter word on Wordl is tears.

Caller [00:57:06] Oh, that’s sad, Chris. You gotta like manifest happiness in your mornings.

Chris [00:57:08] It is very sad, right? In my mind I’m like, you get two vowels and you get three popular consonants. I’m like, you get three of the more popular consonants and two vowels. One word. And then I’m like, That’s probably pretty revealing that tears is how I start Wordl every time.

Caller [00:57:23] Yeah, I mean, it’s probably a pretty strong one because like E and A together I think is a common English thing.

Chris [00:57:29] Uh huh. It’s true. And I, even as I say it out loud, I could pronounce it tears, but I choose to say tears.

Caller [00:57:37] When you read the shampoo bottle as a kid and it said no T E A R S, did you read that tears or tears? I read it tears and I was so confused what was tearing.

Chris [00:57:46] I read it as tears.

Caller [00:57:49] Oh yeah. You were correct.

Chris [00:57:51] Yeah. I mean, but I was someone who was very prone to emotion, so.

Caller [00:57:58] Fair enough. Fair enough.

Chris [00:58:00] Yeah. Yeah. Oh. Lonzo says, Here’s a monopoly vow: I promise to never gentrify your heart.

Caller [00:58:10] Good one. Good one.

Chris [00:58:12] Tom says, You have drummed the steel around my heart.

Caller [00:58:17] Ohh drums the steel. Well, I hope I don’t have a steel heart. I think it’s open.

Chris [00:58:23] Do you still-

Caller [00:58:24] But I get the- I get the joke. I get the wordplay. Sorry I shat on your contribution, friend.

Chris [00:58:30] Oh, that’s okay. I don’t think Tom is particularly offended by it. Now you said you do play Hunt a Killer? How do we have a Hunt a Killer themed wedding vow? Or you just were aware of that one because you saw the ads for it?

Caller [00:58:43] I was just aware of it. But like I promise not to hunt and kill him.

Chris [00:58:45] Yeah, let’s not squeeze it in. Your fiance would be like, what are you talking about?

Caller [00:58:50] Well, maybe I need to buy it before the wedding. I need to think of, like, all the other game puns and then buy the games and just organically, organically be like, hey, we need to play all of these games before October. That’s a natural way of doing things.

Chris [00:59:04] That would be, if you force him to learn like 17 new games, then you have the most killer wedding vows of all time but he feels manipulated.

Caller [00:59:12] Yeah, probably not the best way to start, start off?

Chris [00:59:18] That’s fair.

Caller [00:59:19] I’m also very bad at lying to him. He can always tell. So that’s. That’s. That would be no good. Well, it wouldn’t be lying. It would just be so we could manufacture memories for the wedding.

Chris [00:59:30] Now, you said that he is he was raised Catholic, and he’s got a huge family, right?

Caller [00:59:36] Yeah.

Chris [00:59:37] So is he Irish or Italian?

Caller [00:59:42] Greek.

Chris [00:59:43] Greek. And he was raised Catholic, not Greek Orthodox?

Caller [00:59:48] I guess? I don’t know. Okay, so wait. His mom is Greek and Polish and his dad is…

Chris [00:59:53] The Polish side of it is where the Catholicism comes in. Yeah, the Polish side of things is where the Catholicism comes in.

Caller [01:00:00] Oh, yeah. There you go.

Chris [01:00:05] So you’re going to have.

Caller [01:00:06] Hello? Did I lose you?

Chris [01:00:07] No, you never. You didn’t lose me. I’ve been here the whole time. And if you ever get that aggressive again, I swear.

Caller [01:00:16] I literally didn’t hear what you were saying. You’re starting to break up. But that’s fine. I’m sure it was funny. I heard laughter.

Chris [01:00:22] It’s okay. I, what I did was I made a joke as if you were being aggressive and everybody laughed because you’re actually extraordinarily gentle and kind.

Caller [01:00:32] I try. I feel like I want to be more aggressive in my life. I’m too nice.

Chris [01:00:36] In what ways would you like to be more aggressive? With whom?

Caller [01:00:41] Like I feel like I want to, like, stand up for things that I think. I feel like I’m too quick to, like, not want to offend people.

Chris [01:00:49] Okay. Any topics in particular?

Caller [01:00:58] I don’t know, like, like politics. Like, I’m really pissed off about this Roe v Wade situation.

Chris [01:01:03] Yeah.

Caller [01:01:04] But, like, that shouldn’t be partisan. But it is.

Chris [01:01:08] Yeah. I’m with you on that.

Caller [01:01:09] Things like that. Yeah.

Chris [01:01:11] What can I do with you in the remaining 4 minutes of this call to help you unlock this rage that you so desperately crave?

Caller [01:01:21] What can you do with me to unlock the rage?

Chris [01:01:23] Yeah, yeah. Cause I hear it right there under the surface.

Caller [01:01:27] Right there under the surface? I’m, like, mad. I just need permission to be mad. I can grant myself that- my therapist says I can grant myself permission. Like, yeah. I can be mad.

Chris [01:01:39] I just want to be clear. Who says you can grant yourself that permission?

Caller [01:01:43] My therapist.

Chris [01:01:44] Oh, your therapist. I thought you said your grandma.

Caller [01:01:48] Oh, no, my grandma’s dead.

Chris [01:01:51] I’m so sorry for your loss.

Caller [01:01:54] Oh, no. She’s been dead a while. It’s totally fine.

Chris [01:01:59] So your therapist tells you you have to give yourself permission to feel rage?

Caller [01:02:04] Yeah, because, I don’t know. I’m like an oldest sister. I’ve always been just, like, the nice example, and, like, I never rock the boat. I got to, like, feel angry sometimes.

Chris [01:02:16] Yeah. Yeah. Do you ever feel-

Caller [01:02:19] Like about the suit thing. Maybe that’s why blew up about the wedding colors.

Chris [01:02:23] Erica. Erica is in the crowd, says she’s a therapist and she agrees. Ris is scared that this is about to become me versus you. Katie says, We drove through Ohio to get to the show and can confirm Ohio is not great.

Caller [01:02:42] It’s a lot of corn.

Chris [01:02:44] Caroline says this is the most aggressive Beautiful/Anonymous episode I’ve ever heard.

Caller [01:02:51] Fair enough. What are other people saying? Should I be looking at Twitter, too?

Chris [01:03:00] Oh, no, that’s about- I’ve read most of them. I’ve told you most of them.

Caller [01:03:03] Okay, wonderful. Well, I’m glad I could deliver a little bit of rage here at the end. Thank you for listening to me. You know what I’m also mad- I’m gonna tell you what else I’m mad about.

Chris [01:03:09] No one ends their rage by saying thank you for listening. inspiring message. Thank you for listening. Caller, you can’t say I’m happy I gave you the rage. Thank you for listening. You don’t see that that’s getting in the way of the rage? I want some unadulterated rage in this last minute.

Caller [01:03:28] I am mad that my rights are about to be taken away from the fucking Supreme Court. I’m mad that babies don’t have food. I’m mad that I didn’t find anything when I was estate sale shopping to put on my wedding table because I need a cake stand. Like, fuck. Like, agh, I am mad about like silly things, but also serious things. And that’s okay. (CROWD CHEERS) That’s my rage.

Chris [01:03:54] I think that should be your wedding vows. Imagine if that was your wedding vows.

Caller [01:04:01] Sure. Maybe I’ll bring some rage into my wedding vows.

Chris [01:04:04] Oh, I think that would be really good. A bunch of Settlers of Catan puns. And then also you shouting about your rights. And then… I would like that.

Caller [01:04:16] And then. And then he’ll say something sweet about how how much he loves me. And then we’ll kiss. And we’ll dance. And get drunk. And it’ll be great.

Chris [01:04:24] Do you know. Do you know what song your, your first dance is going to be to?

Caller [01:04:29] No, we haven’t picked it. We wanted to do a Beatles song. What’s the- I’m blanking on the name of the Beatles song, but my mom said that that one’s probably too sad and to reevaluate. But, like, I need to, like, we should do what we want to do. See? I’m people pleasing.

Chris [01:04:47] People in the crowd are suggesting songs. Helter Skelter was just- imagine if your wedding dance was Helter Skelter after all that.

Caller [01:04:58] We should come out of left field with that. I think that’s a great idea.

Chris [01:05:02] If you did your wedding dance to Helter Skelter and then if people asked you like, Why did you pick that song? And you’re like, Why? What’s unusual about that song? And you just straight faced it. That would be pure joy for me.

Caller [01:05:15] This is my opportunity to make crazy choices and then play it off like it’s totally normal.

Chris [01:05:21] Our time is up, but I want one last barrage of suggestions on the hashtag for wedding songs. The most out of character wedding song that this- we could pick for this caller. I’m going to say Enter Sandman by Metallica. No one would see it coming.

Caller [01:05:36] Yeah. Yeah.

Chris [01:05:39] Okay. Let’s see what else is coming in. We’ve got someone just saying, Hey, I just want on record that Ohio is not that bad.

Caller [01:05:47] Thank you. I appreciate you.

Chris [01:05:51] Caroline suggests screaming in your car. What’s the funniest song that we could have? Helter Skelter is a very good one. Yellow Submarine is another very funny one if we want to go in a different Beatles direction.

Caller [01:06:03] That would be hilarious. Yes.

Chris [01:06:05] Yes, that one could be interesting. Oh, or I know, caller, I know the number one, the funniest song you with your personality could pick for your wedding dance. But you just have to dance. And if people ask you why, you have to be like, Why? What’s wrong with that song? I’ll give you $100 if you pick Fuck the Police by NWA as your wedding song.

Caller [01:06:28] Okay, I’ll send you the wedding video proof and get my $100.

Chris [01:06:31] Oh, please do. If that comes through, best hundred dollars I ever spent. Caller, it was lovely to talk to you. I hope the wedding planning goes well. I hope the wedding is great and it’s everything you want it to be and that it’s stress free. And that myself and the people of Grand Rapids have helped you with some suggestions tonight.

Caller [01:06:49] Thanks for the tips, Chris, and thank you Grand Rapids.

Chris [01:06:54] We’ve also got last minute suggestions. Caroline suggesting anything by DMX, which also makes me laugh very hard. We got Fruit Salad by The Wiggles coming up from Lauren. Got Party Hard by Andrew W.K. And Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nothin to Fuck With, which if you end on any of those- $100 for any of those. Caller, thank you so much. Have a great night. Caller, thanks again for calling in. I hope the wedding goes great. And thank you for sharing your story with us. Thank you to Andrea Quinn. The great Andrea Quinn comes on the road with me, produces these shows, does all the sound live in the room. Thanks to Anita Flores, who produces the show overall. Thanks to Ryan Connor for engineering the show. Thanks to Shellshag for the theme music. If you wanna know more about me, ChrisGeth.com. That’s the spot. And hey, wherever you’re listening, hit subscribe, favorite, follow. if there’s a button that says something like that, helps us when you hit it. If you want merch, podswag.com. If you want ad free episodes, stitcher.com/premium. Get a month free trial if you use that code.